Titans $ell-out! #1 (1992)

I really should have asked because this comic book is terrible.

This issue marks the passing of the baton from editor Jon “I Love To Add Fake Middle Names To My Name To Make Me Seem Cool and This One Will Be ‘The Titans Need to Be More Like the X-Men!’” Peterson to Rob Simpson. This is the actual baton passing and not the first comic book of Rob Simpson since they’re both listed as editors. Maybe Rob was assistant editor all along. How should I know? It’s not like I have the curiosity or passion to take the previous issue out of the mylar and check! And since both are credited, I don’t know who to blame for encouraging Marv Wolfman to go in this Teeny Titans direction. Who wants to read a cartoon drawn by the letterer?!

The Titans have decided that since they’re constantly being sued and their property is constantly blowing up (usually from crashing into buildings in New York which is why they keep getting sued), they need some kind of revenue stream that doesn’t rely on Batman’s mysteriously deep pockets. No wait. I think they all know Batman is Bruce Wayne, right? He wasn’t that paranoid about his identity back then, right? Anyway, they all knew Nightwing was Dick Grayson and I’m pretty sure they’re all geniuses (except for Beast Boy (er, Changeling)), it wouldn’t be hard to figure out that Batman is Bruce Wayne. So to make money, they sign a bunch of contracts so toy companies and cartoon producers and comic book companies can use their names and images. I don’t know why anybody pays the Team Titans for anything. Nobody knows who they are!

Anyway, the Titans soon realize that they’ve given the green light to use their names and images on truly shoddy merchandise and possibly the most terrible cartoon I’ve ever seen/read. It’s calle Teeny Titans and I suspect they were trying to tie it to the popularity of Tiny Toon Adventures. Except the cartoon’s premise is more like Muppet Babies and the writing is horrible. I wonder if Marv and Jon and Rob and John ever even watched an episode of Tiny Toons?

Apparently this goofy ass shit that I’m fairly certain is supposed to be funny continues in the next issue of Deathstroke the Terminator where he is dead. So, um, ha ha?

New Titans Annual #8 (1992)

In this issue, the Titans prove they’re not a threat to the people of New York when they’re targeted by Eclipso and cause a lot of destruction battling him to save their own lives. Hmm, I might have meant the opposite of not a threat.

On the other hand, Councilwoman Alderman decides the best way to stop the destruction of New York by people attacking the Titans on a near constant basis is to attack the Titans and cause a bunch of destruction of New York. Alderman for mayor!

Nightwing is only as smart as the writer writing him. Unfortunately in this scene, that writer is Marv Wolfman.

The New Titans #88 (July 1992)

Nightwing gets a long overdue costume change and it works. Starfire gets a costume change and it’s terrible. Luckily the Starfire in the new horrible costume is actually Mirage. Hopefully Kory won’t keep it when she returns from wherever she’s being held captive . . . again!

Baby Wildebeest continues to be played up as the main draw of the comic book although every scene with him is just Pantha grousing and not killing him as he destroys Steve Dayton’s home. Why Pantha is putting up with all this Titans nonsense, I have no idea. Maybe Dayton is giving her a per diem.

My main question is how long did Jonathan Peterson work on this comic book trying to make into the X-men? I mean, they've fucking living in a mansion now.

The New Titans #87 (June 1992)

Pantha’s tail still looks more like a turd that won’t let go than a tail. Why is it coming out from between her ass cheeks?!

This issue was called “Reflections” which means a lot of people learned things about themselves that they hadn’t realized before. I think. Is that how mirrors work? You look into them and, if you’re ready to change and you’re a deep thinker and you’re not in your teens, you go, “Whoa! I’m like not like I was like at all!” LSD helps. No wait. The opposite of that. Don't look into a mirror while on LSD.

The issue would have been better if the entire thing was just a farce following Baby Wildebeest around. Usually I don’t want a story to embrace the “baby trope” but I’ll make an exception for this one. Mostly because the Titans are uninteresting, selfish assholes who have never once helped humanity who make a Scrappy Doo character seem like a move in the right direction. Plus, this issue devoted far too many pages to some Russian subplot that only fans of Red Star give a damn about. Normally this is where I’d tease fans of Red Star figuring that there really aren’t any but the Internet has shown me that no matter how uninteresting, bland, boring, or mundane a character is, some idiot will declare them their favorite!