Trinity #8

The Truth About Superman? Is the story about Ra's, Circe, and Lex over already? Did I miss it because it was so boring?

The Review!
The best thing about this comic book being written by Cullen Bunn is that I won't mind dropping it.

Nothing happens this issue. Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman discuss a recurring dream Superman has been having and then decide not to tell anybody else about it. Wow. I think I fucking jizzed my pants over that revelation. On top of nothing happening this issue, I didn't even get to find out what's going on with Ra's, Circe, and Lex! I especially wanted to find out why Lex is being included in "the biggest foes of the Trinity" when he's not a fucking villain anymore! Oh well. I guess it doesn't matter since that story just disappeared into the ether. But at least we got a boring story about Superman discussing a dream where he fights himself!

The Ranking!
-5! What a fucking huge waste of time. I hope the anonymous person who totally isn't Cullen Bunn but loves to tell me why Cullen Bunn's comics are super awesome lets me know why this one was so intelligent and well written!

At least, as always, Emanuela's art was nice to look at!

Trinity #7

Since Cullen Bunn blocked me on Twitter because he can't handle the truth, can somebody let me know if he calls me an asshole for this review?

I don't even know if my review is going to be good or bad but, based on experience, it's going to be a shitshow. So I'll probably be called an asshole or some jerk trying to get attention from a famous writer who has little self-esteem and can't handle a few jokes about how terrible he writes. For all I know, he writes a fabulous X-Men story! Although usually Marvel and DC put the shittiest writers on the properties they know will sell well no matter how poorly they're written. Unless the property is Batman or Wolverine. You don't want to dilute Momma's money makers!

I just noticed Cullen Bunn was on the cover of this comic book!

I haven't even opened the cover of this book yet but I can see the great spark of inspiration which generated the story within. Cullen Bunn was probably sitting at the kitchen table listening to one of his frog podcasts when he thought, "This new book DC wants me to write is about the Trinity? What if I take a look at the Trinity through the funhouse mirror of their most dangerous nemeses?! That's probably never been done...oh no! Not again!" His thought was interrupted because he shit himself.

How can I block Cullen Bunn from seeing my reviews of his books so he doesn't get his feelings hurt? I'd like to spare him the psychic pain and self-reflection which might cause him to think, "Maybe I should put a little more effort into my writing?" People criticize my writing all the time but I have no capacity for self-reflection so I don't worry about putting more effort into my writing. No wait. Did I say "more effort"? I mean "any effort"!

This story is called "The New Pandoras." That probably means the story will examine how superheroes are supposed to be inspirations offering hope to mankind but they really just cause a lot of trouble by existing because comic book writers have fucking shit all over the reason superheroes meant anything to anybody in the first place. It also might be about a new group of girls down at the local strip club who all thought using the name "Pandora" would be cool and hilarious. You know, because they have hope in their boxes.

If I were female and a stripper, I would have danced under the name Medea. Although I know an ex-stripper who sometimes used the name Pandora and all the horny idiots watching her dance thought she was Pantera. So I imagine if I used the name Medea, everybody would think I took the name from Tyler Perry's drag character.

The story begins with Lex Luthor and Ra's al Ghul encountering each other in an ancient crypt.

"We're both bad guys so I guess we should fight now?" "Hold on! Let's let the story play out! Sometimes bad guys work together! And we're still missing Wonder Woman's nemesis!"

The pages preceding this moment where Lex boldly says the cue to bring the third player on stage consists of a rambling pissing contest. I suppose it's for the reader's benefit to show that the ego of each of these characters is too large for either to back down from a challenge. Not that there's a challenge here. Ra's had a dream and arrived. Lex hasn't stated why he's here. I'm sure Circe will explain it when she walks out of the shadows on the next page.

Right on cue!

What does she mean, "Yes, that Circe"? The one with the great ass?

Circe explains that she brought them to this cave to take a dunk in the Pandora Pits. They're some pools of filthy water that are supposed to house powerful evil released by Pandora. But this evil was too frightened of mankind and so hid in these pits. How powerful could it have been if it ran and hid? If I were Luthor, I wouldn't set one foot in this muck!

A creature that's half Wonder Woman and half Composite Superman rises from one of the pools to attack. The only way it can be defeated is if the Dark Trinity work together to defeat it! It's a sign that they should work together to defeat Wonder Woman and Composite Superman too! Don't worry about how Lex and Superman have begun trying to understand each other and work together in that other comic book that you should ignore while reading this one. He still hates aliens.

Lex still isn't quite on board with bathing in the pits so Circe decides to show him an ancient mural on a wall. It shows Circe, Ra's, and Lex all standing together. Oh, well then! If an ancient carving provides evidence that they're going to work together, why fight it?

The Ranking!
-1! This story begins with a couple of comic book tropes I've never liked. First, the characters are compelled by a vision or a prophecy to get the plot moving. I'd suggest Circe was manipulating everything for reasons of her own but the whole three pits thing and the half Wonder Woman, half Composite Superman creature, and the mural all seem a bit much to not be the real motivator. Circe could just cast a spell on these guys and force them to help her. Second, I dislike stories where superheroes are specifically targeted by the villains. Those are the types of stories that have created this idea in comic books that heroes are more of a menace than an inspiration. If heroes are constantly being personally attacked, they're more harm to the city where they reside than help. So here's yet another story where the heroes are going to be targeted specifically. How are they helping to save the world or being an inspiration to mankind when all they're really doing is saving their own asses?

Okay, sure, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Maybe Lex, Ra's, and Circe will just begin their plans of world domination while trying to avoid being noticed by the Trinity. You know, the way villains should be acting. When did the sole motivation of so many super villains become vengeance against the hero that constantly kicks their ass and locks them up? Wouldn't you avoid pissing off that person after being beaten by them so many times? The DC Universe is full of idiots.

Trinity #6

Just in case you were wondering who the Trinity were (and you couldn't read more words than "Trinity" (I'm sure that's a thing!)), here they are on the cover!

The Review
Francis Manapul came up with this analogy concerning life and walls. He decided to make it into a story. The analogy went something like this: we build walls around us to keep out dangerous people, probably because our mother was overprotective. Even rock stars do it! But the walls also keep out good and kind people! So they're not really as great as we think they are. Francis thought, "Okay, okay! That's a great start. But what's the lesson?" Then he came up with the lesson after writing six issues. The lesson was that the walls, even though they protect our delicate psyches and fragile bodies, don't need to be knocked down completely. You just need one crack to let in the light! Hooray! Everything is better now and the judge that is actually a giant asshole can no longer tell you that you can't eat your pudding!

I bet Francis was super jazzed about this story idea until walls became associated with idiotic presidential claims. Now people will read Francis's wall analogy and think, "Yeah! Walls keep out the danger and keep us safe! Life is so much better! But I'm not too sure I like that idea about the crack in the wall. Won't some Mexicans get through that?!"

This was a mediocre comic book trying a new riff on the Pinocchio story. White Mercy has become a real girl because she learned all about loyalty from Wonder Woman, joy from Superman, and incapacitating obsession from Batman. Although, since her father is Mongul, it's probably her severe Daddy Issues that enabled her to become real in the DC Universe.

The Ranking!
No change!

Trinity #5

"Hey, has anybody done the thing with Batman in the dark and Superman in the light? Oh, and, um, Wonder Woman like straddling them! The dark and light, not Batman and Superman!" -- Francis Manapul. Probably.

The clerk at my comic book store, while ringing up my comics, picked up this issue and said, "I love this cover." I responded, "Shut the fuck up, you retail monkey." You have to let these comic book clerk nerds know where they stand or, before you know it, they're spoiling every comic book as they ring you up. I admit this guy's comment was benign but if you let them talk, they'll definitely ruin the ending of half your books as they're ringing you out. Or even worse, they'll make faces and fart noises as they look through the books you're reading.

This issue begins with a flashback to how this all started. It began with Poison Ivy tripping her balls off on Black Mercies. While in the Black Mercy dreamworld, she encounters Mongula, Mongul's daughter. That might not actually be her name. Her name could be War-Toddler, for all I know. Poison Ivy adopted her as her own until Mongul shut the door on Pam's Black Mercy hallucinations. Now she's trying to find a way to get her dream daughter back. Is that why she sent Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman into the Black Mercy world? So they can defeat Mongul for her? Also, how did she know that selling the Black Mercy seeds to Jon Smith would catch Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman?

Oh wait. Poison Ivy explains that immediately after I continue reading! I'm so impatient!

Remember how Swamp Thing was attracted to the farm in Superman Annual #1? Same thing here! This soil is the shit!

Back in the Black Mercy Dreamworld, Batman points out that Mongul was last seen buried in Black Mercies. That's probably true! He's been all over the place in The New 52 because DC Comics seems to forget that they have more than six major villains and also that writers are allowed to create new ones. So instead, Mongul attacks and is shunted away to The Phantom Zone. When he's needed again, he appears and then gets shoved under Black Mercies or holed up on Oa or locked in Amanda Waller's Catacombs or whatever. It doesn't really matter as long as there's eventually a plausible reason for him to escape so he can cause more trouble. This plausible reason seems better than most since he's supposedly stuck in the Black Mercy world and attacking from there.

In their fight against Mongul, each of the Trinity points out what Mongul can't stop. Apparently they each mention the thing that most embodies who they are. Superman says, "You can't control our dreams!" Yep, Superman is totally the ideal and the dream of humanity at its best. Batman is all, "Or our actions." Yep, Batman is representative of taking action against those who would abuse others. And Wonder Woman says, "Nor our emotions." Yep, Wonder Woman is a woman.

Mongul explains to the Super Friends how the Black Mercies work and how the plural of Black Mercies is actually Black Mercy but I've been refusing to say that. Also he explains the origin of his daughter.

Such a micro-racism to say Black Mercy are bad and White Mercy is good.

Of course White Mercy isn't 'good' exactly. But she's good for Mongul's ego. I hope White Mercy becomes a major enemy of the Super Sons!

For some reason, the Super Friends' interactions with their younger selves in their dreams have allowed White Mercy to take over the world. It's comic book bad guy logic, so just roll with it. It's usually why super-villains have to monologue their evil plans because they don't usually make a lot of sense.

Clark, Bruce, and Diana awaken but they're being controlled by White Mercy. So once again, fucking Superman is being controlled by a super-villain! This fucker just needs to get off of the Earth because he's the biggest danger to world peace that's ever existed!

The Ranking!
No change!

Trinity #4

This cover is perilously close to an upskirt. It would explain Wonder Woman's stance.

It's time for Wonder Woman's Black Mercy dream where she learns the true power of the uterus! Unless she learns the true weakness of the prostate. Man that thing is weak. It's basically the part of the machine that would have had a factory recall if God fucking gave a shit after Day Six. I mean, God did give a shit after Day Six in that "I'm going to punish the fuck out of these things I've created" kind of way. But it's odd that God never went back to do an edit of Their original work. It's as if God thought They were too perfect to have made any mistakes. That doesn't sound like a perfect God at all! A perfect God would have double-checked Their work a number of times before declaring it was finished.

Although, if you think about Genesis for even half a second more than most Christians who are expressly told what to think about it (which is, coincidentally, exactly half a second), you have an example of God actually having a second go at creating something. First God creates humans and tells them to go forth and multiply. That's all of us non-Jewish heathen monsters (don't believe everybody was killed in Noah's flood! He wasn't the only fucking boat builder in the ancient world)! But then God was all, "You know what? I can make mankind better!" That's when God made Adam and Eve. Notice God didn't tell them to go forth and multiply. God practically told them exactly the opposite! God was all, "Don't learn about fucking, you dum-dums." And they were all, "What's fucking?" And God was all, "That tree wearing all black and smoking over in the corner can tell you. Don't hang out with that tree. Bad influence, that." So, really, the Jewish people are Humans 2.0. They were made from the Earth itself so it's like they're organic humans. All the other humans are like plastic containers.

I don't know how I got from Wonder Woman to gentiles are plastic containers. All I know is that I can't discuss our government trying to burn this country to the ground on this blog anymore. It's fucking killing me (not literally like it's going to be fucking killing minorities, first by not letting refugees into the country, second, possibly, by the government's own hands) but my brain can't be in that space all the time. I have the luxury for it not to be and maybe all this blog can be is be a momentary distraction or a brief respite from the monstrous decisions our "representatives" are making. Also from the idiots who seemingly have no problem with it like this person from my Twitter feed who is only on my Twitter feed because he's a cousin of the Non-Certified Spouse: "If Trump was the fascist dictator some claim, he wouldn't build a wall, he would just invade or annex Mexico". So that seems to be the ground where Trump Defenders are making their stand. "I can't argue logically or rationally about the horrible actions of his first week, so let's get into the semantics of the term 'fascist dictator.'" Go fuck yourself.

Okay, back to the comic books and stupid jokes now. If I feel the need to point out that we civilians will pay the price of our government's actions when the rest of the world has to bomb the shit out of us because we're endangering the world with our terrible anti-everybody-else stance backed by a shit-megaton of nukes, I'll be doing it over on Twitter.

I don't think Diana knows how dreams work.

Dreams have a point of view. And as the protagonist of the dream (whether you're you or somebody else), you are in control of your thoughts and actions. They might not be the same actions you would choose while awake, or they may be stranger thoughts than you're used to having but they all come from your point of view as the protagonist of the dream. What you generally aren't "in control of" is the plot or the locale or the non-player characters. A dream doesn't have to be lucid for the person to be in control of their "character." Lucid just means you're aware that you're dreaming and can then take advantage of dream rules while ignoring the props and backdrop your subconscious has laid out before you. I frequently have sexual dreams where the person I'm about to get intimate with is not the Non-Certified Spouse. Sometimes in the dream, I'll be all, "I can't be doing this! I'm Non-Certifiably Married!" and it ruins the dream. Other times, I think, "Oh wait! This is just a dream! Up periscope, baby!" And sometimes, I'll just not know about my real-life relationships and I'll fuck the vampire until the sun reaches the vampire's head and we climax in a burst of flames!

Shut up. You have weird sex dreams too! Probably!

For some reason, this reminds me of my first sexual experience.

Superman's Black Mercy dream was to see his father live. Batman's Black Mercy dream was to see his father die. And now Wonder Woman's Black Mercy dream is to find out the truth about her home and where she came from and whether or not the Amazons really did rape pirates. Probably not since Greg Rucka is in charge of the Amazon's past now. That guy isn't as keen on rape as Azzarello and Wolfman. I don't actually think Azzarello is keen on rape. Notice I didn't qualify what I think about Wolfman's views.

The Trinity wind up on Themyscira where they're confronted by Amazons.

So it's kind of like some dialect you have heard before? Thanks for the non-information, Batjerk.

Dream Diana saves Real Diana from the Amazons and the Amazons are all, "Fucking kids. You think you're so wise by stopping bloodshed! Pshaw! You'll soon learn!" Then Diana grows up and learns to kill because adults are just tired of dealing with shit. The end.

That wasn't the end of the comic book! That was the end of my side story about growing up! This story continues in the real world where Lois Lane didn't not hit Poison Ivy and her son with the truck when she crashed into the barn. Remember how last issue ended and I was all, "It’s just luck that she doesn’t run them over." Well, um....

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Sort of. I mean, well, you know. I totally thought this is what should have happened!

So now Poison Ivy is probably crippled for life thanks to Lois's reckless driving through barn walls. I wanted to spell reckless as "wreckless" because that just seems more correct. I hope Lois remembers to get Poison Ivy to a hospital after this. I'm sure she has internal injuries and a possible skull fracture. Jon is fine though because Poison Ivy pushed him out of the way. She's a hero! A hero in a permanently vegetative state. That's a plant pun! I think!

Poison Ivy takes a hit from a car as well as I do because she's immediately up and punching Lois Lane in the kisser. I didn't punch the woman who hit me with her car but I did jump immediately back up and stand in front of her car so she didn't take off. Jerko hit-and-run monsters! Portland is full of them.

Back on Dream Themyscira, Queen Hippolyta proposes a challenge for the Super Friends. They must prove themselves in the arena! I don't know what they're trying to prove. That they have a right to be on the island? Because if that's what they're trying to prove, Superman and Batman will fail the Penis Challenge.

Luckily for Batman and Superman, the Penis Challenge doesn't take place. I suppose it's not needed since their costumes leave nothing to the imagination anyway. My guess is Batman is circumcised and Superman had multiple attempted circumcisions which ended up in the Kents having to bury another mohel in the field so he doesn't spread word about their uncuttable superbaby.

Wonder Woman is allowed to stay on the island but the men must go to the Dark Quarters. Hippolyta doesn't even ask them if they're men. She just sees the penises through the tight suits and assumes they're men. How ancient way of thinking of them!

Anyway, Wonder Woman chooses to go with her male allies into the Dark Quarters. That's like her dream subconscious where she'll discover the thing she needs to discover thanks to the Black Mercies. Young Dream Diana also manages to go with them, against the wishes of her mother.

The Super Friends make their way deeper into their subconscious worlds where they're attacked by something that is longer than it is wide. It's a sea serpent, you Freudian pervert!

The Super Friends are swallowed by the sea serpent and taken even deeper! Now they're in the sub-subconscious! It's full of lots and lots of things that are longer than they are wide!

Technically this is Diana's sub-subconscious. Apparently all she thinks about are penises. That's what happens when you're raised in a culture that bans them!

As you can see from the scan above, Batjerk has more thoughts on the dialect. But I guess those will have to wait.

Diana spends the next two pages chopping up the longer than they are wide things. I squirm unpleasantly while reading it.

When Diana hacks her way out of the sea serpent, she finds herself face-to-face with Mongul! What a shock! To nobody who reads comic books. I suppose it was a shock to the fake geek girls and the totally real geek boys who just happen to not know about Mongul's connection to the Black Mercies (which is totally understandable). The real surprise twist ending is that Mongul's daughter has come up with this plan. His daughter!? Mongul has a daughter!

I hope this revelation that Mongul has a daughter is brand new so that I don't look like one of those totally real geek boys who just happens to have a blindspot in my geek knowledge (which is totally forgivable). I suppose Mongul is still in the Phantom Zone so he had to have his daughter's help from the outside. Unless Mongul got out since Warworld got out. I have no idea what is going on anymore! Fucking Rebirth! It's like continuity is whatever anybody wants it to be! As if some naked blue nuclear man were altering reality in whatever way pleases him the most.

The Ranking!
+1! Mostly because I love me some Emanuela Lupacchino art!

Trinity #3

Just fucking get over it already.

Only a rich white boy could live such a privileged life that he can afford to mourn the death of his parents for over twenty years. Don't get me wrong! I know other people aside from me would be saddened by he loss of their parents and continue to miss them until the end of their own lives. But most people wouldn't dedicate every single waking hour of every single day to the grief they feel over the loss. I suppose if you have no other hardships in your life, you have to cling to the one time something bad happened to you so that you can pretend that your rich ass life of power and luxury is more of a curse than a blessing. Stop wallowing in your own self-pity, you dick.

On the other hand, Batman's dedication has caused him to beat the shit out of more petty criminals than all of the police working in the United States (which is a lot!). Although maybe that's not really the other hand. Beating up criminals is simply trying to wipe out the symptoms of a bigger problem. Most criminals aren't insane sociopaths with Alice in Wonderland fetishes. They're criminals because poverty and Republican ways of governing have driven them to a desperate last option. Just breaking their jaw and shunting them off to Blackgate isn't solving anything. You can cover up the buboes with some ridiculously expensive make-up but you still have the plague.

Anyway, Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are all suffering from Black Mercy intoxication so they're hallucinating their pasts. But this time, they have their friends to help them! Superman learned something about his past in the first two issues but I can't remember what it was because it was mushy and emotional and nobody was punched to death. Now it's time for Batman's friends to help him through the most traumatic moment of his life: when he realized his butler would be raising him.

Batman can't find the place where his parents died and he became the Batman. I bet the Court of Owls could find it.

Meanwhile in the non-Black-Mercy world, Jon Smith has been kidnapped by Poison Ivy. Lois is now wondering where her son went although not as much as she's wondering where her husband and Wonder Woman went.

Oh shut up, Diana. Nobody needs your affirmation bullshit right now. Go put it on a blog where a chameleon says it so that everybody can squee over its derivative nonsense.

Through the trip to his past, Batman is allowed to tell himself that it isn't his fault that his parents died. Or that Jason Todd died. Or that Tim Drake died. Or that Barbara Gordon was paralyzed. I mean, of course the last three were his fault! But he gets to tell himself that they weren't his fault at all. Also maybe the Barbara Gordon thing wasn't totally his fault since it happened out of costume. Although The Joker was going after Commissioner Gordon because of The Batman so...well, I guess it's all pretty complicated. Why not let Batman pretend none of the deaths around him were his fault?

Back in reality, Lois Lane drives a truck through a barn wall to save her son from Poison Ivy. It's just luck that she doesn't run them over.

Next month, it's Wonder Woman's chance to forgive her mother! Or herself! Or something.

What Did I Learn?
I've learned that the Republican representatives in the United States government are cowards who care only for getting re-elected by their racist and selfish base of supporters. I can't help it if comic book lessons don't matter enough to mention them in the world we're currently living in! Oh, but I did learn something comic book related! Francis Manapul can't draw more than two monthly comic books in a row before needing fill-in artists!

The Ranking!
No change.

Trinity #2

Batman and Superman seem concerned about Wonder Woman pissing on a skull.

This cover is full of Illuminati symbols, isn't it?! Of course a comic book entitled Trinity would have some kind of occult connection to the mystic ways in which true power is gained! Some of you might be pooh-poohing my statement (unless it's poo-pooing but that sounds gross) as ridiculous and far-fetched! But that's because you've been brainwashed by whatever the Illuminati has allowed to exist in society due to their intense ability to brainwash! Like reading and television and the Internet and religion and food and alcohol and friendship and marriage and having children and mortgages! Oh sure! You may think you wanted all of those things for personal and individual reasons but that's because you've been so brainwashed you don't even know what you really want! All the Illuminati cares about is that you want things that aren't the things they want! And really, who wants power beyond all reason and young children's blood to feed on? Not me because I'm not one of the Illuminated! I can barely stand the taste of the blood of young children! Pee-yuke!

Here on this cover are some of the most powerful symbols the Illuminati use to mark their territory! You have the Upskirting Eagle, the Pooping Scabbard, the Feline Licking the Back of a Head, the Wreath of Weapons, the Judgment of Batman, the Wrong Way Facing Shield, the Divided Breast, and the most mysterious of all of their symbols: the Upside Down Winged M! Truly, this is a feast for the eyes of our lizard kings and queens!

This issue begins with not only Superman being thoroughly confused but every single reader who had to wait a full month for the story to continue. Last issue, everybody was enjoying some after dinner mints out on the porch like people do in the Midwest (or upstate New York (or wherever the stupid Smith farm is now)) when some truly wacky stuff went down. The Trinity began to hallucinate a world within Clark's barn (probably because Jon planted some Black Mercies earlier that day). Now Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman are trying to figure out what to do with the old man and young boy they're hallucinating, especially since the old man just dropped dead of a heart attack.

I know when I hallucinate other people, I just scream at them to fuck off. Also, I'm never quite sure if somebody I'm interacting with is real or a hallucination, so I scream fuck off just in case. I hope none of my neighbors are real.

Superman manages to do CPR on Pa Kent without turning his body into mashed potato farmer. Batman probably should have done the CPR but when has CPR ever struck fear in the hearts of criminals? Practically never! After coming back from the dead, Zombie Pa Kent recognizes Clark and the symbol on his chest and jumps to the conclusion that he's Alien Child Protective Services and he's come for his alien son. This must be a coded story about Illuminati history, right? Aliens and zombies and people with mysterious symbols on their chests! That must be the reason Francis Manapul is the only person working on this book! DC Comics didn't want to endanger the lives of multiple artists and writers by revealing the secrets of our mysterious lords and masters pulling our strings from behind the scenes!

Yeah, but is that really your father? If he's a hallucination, not your father. If he's from the past, not your father. I suppose he could be from the past of an alternate Earth, but at that point, things are getting too ridiculous to believe!

Superman begins to get all nostalgic and maudlin about his love for his father. It's the worst! So boring and in your face and braggy! "Look at me! I had a loving father! My family life was great and full of love and compassion and affection!" What a jerk! Some of us have lives more like Alice Cooper's song, "Lost in America," you dick!

Meanwhile in the real world that isn't some comic book aberration of time and space working as a plot device to tell a story about the love between a father and his son, Lois Lane and Jon Smith don't worry about Clark's disappearance. That usually happens when Batman comes to dinner. Also, it had better never ever happen again when Wonder Woman comes to dinner, that hussy.

Back in the time anomaly slash hallucination, young Clark Kent has run away thinking that aliens killed his father. While off hiding near Devil's Mouth Falls, so aptly named that I can feel the Illuminati breathing down the back of my neck, young Clark hears somebody whispering to him! It's probably just the sound of the water going over the falls and crashing to the ground which is why the place was named Devil's Mouth Falls! Because it sounds like somebody whispering temptations into your ear! Duh! It's just a natural phenomenon and not a supervillain at all!

Pa Kent quickly realizes the Trinity aren't trying to take his dumb kid away from him. In fact, they might be able to answer all of the questions he has about everything! They're probably angels! They're definitely not lizard people from another dimension! Don't be ridiculous!

Batman is in the bitch seat! Um, Wonder Woman is just in the perfect seat for Wonder Woman! An, um, place of honor next to the driver!

Superman is assuming they've gone back in time. I think they're all just lying in a puddle of each other's drool in the barn while Black Mercies grow up around them. If this is an actual time travel story, I will never read another issue! Although if it's another alternate Earth story, I'm fine with it! Because everybody knows time travel is ridiculous but other dimensions are totally the way things work! For sure! It's like practically proven already since some scientists were all, "The math works! I think!" Of course, the math works on lots of different ways in which a billiard shot can resolve but it only ever resolves the one way due to physical laws! So...um, what was my point?

Batman whispers to Wonder Woman about how Clark is making every mistake he could possibly make in a time travel situation. Well, Batman is making every mistake he can make in trying to say something in a way in which a person with super-hearing can't hear him! Who's the super analytical one now, hunh Bruce?! It's me, motherfucker!

Pa Kent begins talking about walls in the way that Lois Lane was talking about walls last issue. They would have really gotten along well if Pa Kent hadn't died from some weird disease he caught in the Caribbean. Unless this Pa Kent died some other way. Maybe this one lived long enough to make it to the wedding! He certainly didn't die in a car crash on Prom Night! That was the other jerko Superman's dad! Why are there so many Pa Kents?! I'm so confused!

I guess when you become a parent, you begin to obsess over walls to keep your children safe. I think if I had a child, I'd obsess over steel cages in dark basements.

At Devil's Mouth Falls, Superman almost drowns because the water is full of Kryptonite. It's probably part of Mongul's trap! It must be Mongul, right? Who else would talk in purple and yellow speech bubbles? Although why would he need to talk to a hallucination brought on by the Black Mercies planted down at the Smith farm?

Anyway, Batman and Wonder Woman rescue Jon and Pa Kent rescues Superman and everybody hugs and spikes the ball and dances in the end zone and gets a personal foul for excessive (and probably early) celebration.

Back in the real world, Jon wanders out to the barn to find it encased in Black Mercies. He's also quickly overcome as the stranger who sold them to him appears. It's Poison Ivy! She must...um...she's probably...well...I mean...what the fuck does she want with Clark Smith and his family?! She does mention that "he'll take care of" the Trinity in the dream, so that must be Mongul. Is he still stuck in the Phantom Zone and this is the only way he can get to Superman? I have no clue how he can attack them in their Black Mercy dream but that seems to be what's going on. And he must have hired Poison Ivy since who better to cultivate Black Mercy seeds for Earth?

The Ranking!
+1! The art is, as usual for Francis Manapul, spectacular. Is this a story we've seen before? Probably! How many times do we need to be told Superman had a huge gay crush on his father?! And how many times have Black Mercies been used to tell a story of emotional inner turmoil? And how many times have we read a story about a dumb boy accepting magic seeds from a stranger (usually not as sexy as this one, though!)? But putting them all together here, I'm enjoying it. Plus I would never think to criticize a comic book put out by The Illuminati!

Trinity #1

Oh, who fucking cares?

The Commentary!
Do comic book writers still want to pitch stories about these assholes? I have a feeling Francis Manapul went into the pitch meeting with an idea for a clever Gypsy, Hawkman, and Congorilla story. Dan Didio was probably all, "I love it! I love the energy! I love your enthusiasm for the story! I love that you didn't ask to write any Kirby characters since I have dibs on them! But do you think maybe the story would still work with characters who can sell a comic book?"

So that's probably how we wound up with yet another fucking comic book starring Batman and, to a lesser extent, his lessers, Wonder Woman and Superman. I can't fucking wait to see the twist on these characters that absolutely demanded this comic book be made!

This issue begins with Lois Lane spouting off like it's the first five minutes of some overblown drama which you know is going to have you crying your eyes out by the end. She begins by talking about parents and their kids. If this were a Stephen King book, I would already be writing off the kid as roadkill. But it's not! It's a comic book and the kid is Jon Smith, Superman's son. So he'll probably be safe for this story. Hell, everybody will probably be safe for this story! I think the major conflict will be Batman insulting Lois Lane in her own home and refusing to apologize.

Wait. Are there wolves in my walls? Did they go in there to catch the rats?

Lois Lane's metaphor about walls being put up to protect children from wolves is making me crazy. Her point is that walls keep the bad stuff out but eventually the bad stuff will find a way in so the best thing to do is to break down the walls so that the wolves can get in but also the non-wolves can get in to help fight the wolves but most people can't tell the difference between wolves and non-wolves. But Lois can because she's a reporter and thus a better mother than most other mothers who just let all the fucking wolves in the house and watch their children get mauled. So now we know that Lois Lane is a narcissist and possibly insane.

Too bad Lois's son is an idiot who is sneaking wolves behind the wall without her knowing. Apparently he was supposed to go get some fertilizer or something and instead of buying the usual stuff, he took some free shit from some weird fucker. That isn't going to bite everybody in the ass now, is it?! I bet the ass biting begins right around when Batman insults Lois's tea by pointing out Alfred's is way better.

Batman and Wonder Woman are making a friendly visit to the Smith farm. Diana even brought a dead wild boar to butcher. Superman is still on his way home so Lois has more time to kill thinking about walls. Oh! I've got a joke about fences which are basically walls: "Why do good fences make good neighbors? Because people are idiots who constantly forget the part of Robert Frost's poem where he says 'Something there is that doesn't love a wall.'" That wasn't a very good joke, was it? Maybe I should build a wall to keep out criticism of my jokes.

Lois has decided Clark's walls need to come down whether he likes it or not. That's marriage! It's where you step all over another person's feelings and just fuck around with their life without first getting their consent! Unless that's just bad marriage? No, no. It's all relationships. Two people can't live one life. Somebody is always going to be getting the poopy end of the stick.

Over dinner, Clark tells a story about the time Batman wore a Rainbow Suit to protect Robin. The real point of the story is how Batman endangers young children. But that's not a pleasant thought and nobody wants to get into that aspect of the Batman and Robin dynamic. It's better to just figure that it can't be helped and Batman is doing the only thing he can for these young kids and, anyway, they do more to save his life than he does to save theirs. They temper him and make him more cautious and give him a future to care about. Batman, of course, denies the Rainbow Suit (but not the endangering children). He can deny it all he wants! I saw proof of it in the Sugar and Spike story in Legends of Tomorrow #1!

Meanwhile outside, the bad stuff is beginning to happen.

Lois's wall metaphor is abandoned because now she's getting to the part where Clark, Bruce, and Diana need to begin forging a friendship. So now instead of building walls, they're growing...um...relationships? At the end of the night as Clark, Bruce, and Diana talk out in the yard, Clark hears something from the barn. So he goes to check it out and he finds Pa Kent harvesting grain with young Clark behind him. Or something. I don't know. Maybe Jon planted some Black Mercies in the yard or something.

The Ranking!
+1. Manapul's art is gorgeous as always. And he seems to write better than a lot of writer-artists. Also, I'm convinced that this comic book is probably needed. Since DC fucked up everything by making a new Superman that everybody needs to get to know again, DC needs a book where everybody can once again get comfortable with him. I hope once Batman and Diana trust him, this book will stop being Trinity and just become a new version of DC Comics Presents!