Eclipso: The Darkness Within: L.E.G.I.O.N. '92 Annual #3 (August 1992)

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: L.E.G.I.O.N. '92 Annual #3 (August 1992)
By Barry Kitson, Mike McKone, John Dell, Jack Torrance, Peter Gross, Bob Smith, Jimmy Palmiotti, Gaspar, and Lovern Kindzierski
Cover by Mike McKone and Jan Harpes
Edited by Frank Pittarese and Dan Raspler

• Should I make a list of the top ten comic book characters I'd like to fuck or would that make me sound too much like a huge anti-social nerd who too often thinks about having sex with fictional creations? Would a list of fuckable comic book characters be more or less weird than a list of animated insurance characters I'd like to fuck? Maybe if I actually fucked a real person, I'd stop thinking about fucking fictional characters that have no agency? Or would I just become the protagonist of Boxing Helena II: The Boxening?

• Shit! I meant the antagonist! Fuck! Did I just expose too much of my interior squidgy being by accidentally expressing that the main character of Boxing Helena was the guy who cut off Sherilyn Fenn's limbs and not Sherilyn Fenn?! I mean, I was joking! Ha ha! It was a joke! I totally understood Boxing Helena! Probably more than you did because I'm an introvert pervert who has only ever loved women whom I've projected my own thoughts and beliefs onto instead of actually getting to know them. Yuck!

• Anyway, that top ten list of comic book characters I'd like to fuck would include Lobo like seven times so it's probably not worth writing. Lobo drawn by Simon Bisley. Lobo drawn by Val Semeiks. Lobo drawn by Keith Giffen¹. Lobo drawn by Jorge Corona².

• Halo would have made that list when I was in my mid to late teens but now it would be just weird. Also, is she still in a coma? Because that would make it less weird. I mean more weird. Stupid squidgy interior being!

• Also, obviously if I made a list of Insurance Company cartoons, it would be Erin Esurance. I would fuck, marry, and kill her! Wait. Goddammit.

• Are there insurance company cartoons other than Erin Esurance? If they are, are they hot? Should I search them out on Deviant Art?

• The issue sort of begins³ with L.E.G.I.O.N. waiting outside the United Nations for a meeting. Maybe the reason was revealed in the monthly title. Maybe it'll be revealed here. For some reason, even though Lobo was in this series, I never fucking read it.

I don't know who this member is but she's wearing Brother Blood's belt slash loin cover-up.

• How many pages until Lobo defeats everybody and wins at comic books? I'm not sure why there's another annual after this and a final bookend Eclipso issue to finish the story. Once Lobo becomes possessed, Eclipso should have all the power he needs to accomplish whatever he wants to accomplish. Destroying the sun, I'm guessing?

• Lobo had to remain behind because, as you can see on the cover, he's missing a sleeve on his jacket and you can't go in front of the United Nations in a leather jacket missing a sleeve! Also he might kill everybody.

• Back at the hotel room where Vril Dox decided Lobo couldn't cause any trouble other than throwing the television out of the window like any Earth rock star might, Lobo decides to drink himself silly with L.E.G.I.O.N. member Scrawny. Is that her name? Scrawny? It's what Lobo calls her so probably.

Oh, no. It must be Stutters!

• Stutters isn't offering to fuck Lobo. That's just the conclusion that he and all the comic book readers leapt to. She wants to play Settlers of Catan Or whatever the equivalent to Catan was in 1992. Probably Trivial Pursuit.

• Lobo drawn by Mike McKone isn't on my list of Top Ten Comic Book Characters I'd Like to Fuck because it looks like he was using Brett Michaels as a reference. No thank you.

• Oh, Ice would be on my list! Also Supergirl's bum drawn by Mahmud Asrar. That might be on the list twice. I wonder if Mahmud has ever drawn Lobo's bum? Hmm. Be right back. Gotta see if Mahmud does commissions!

• Fire wouldn't have been on my list even before she wasn't being transphobic in this issue.

I don't think it's up to you to decide, Fire.

• I have no idea which member of L.E.G.I.O.N. is Strata she's got to be either the caterpillar, the shiny bald one with the massive shoulder pads, or the red Schmoo. None of them are on my Top Ten List of Comic Book Characters I'd Like to Fuck.

• Vril Dox didn't make it to the United Nations thing because he's out on the town looking to buy a Black Diamond. I'm going to assume he has a solid reason for buying one because he's one of them Brainiacs.

• The guy who has the diamond tells Vril Dox "No" when Vril asks him if he can buy the Black Diamond. Afterward, Vril Dox and his partner beat the shit out of the guy's henchmen.

Um, what? It's you guys who didn't understand the word "No" and then resorted to violence. Am I losing my mind here?!

• Fascism to fascists is when they don't get their way. If other people's agency stands in the way of them getting something they want, they believe their freedoms are being crushed and think that violence against the person not giving them what they want is righteous violence against the oppressor. God, I hate fascists. I know! I can't believe I've gone out on such a long, scrawny, stuttering, dangerous limb to declare such an extreme opinion!

• Also I hate libertarians. They're just authoritarians who don't have the balls to do their own violence. The only State anything they like is State violence. But only if that State violence allows them to keep doing whatever stupid fucking thing they believe they have a right to do without anybody complaining. Creeps.

• Here's a quote from Kurt Vonnegut's Mother Night (1961) that has aged like the finest wine⁴:

"There are plenty of good reasons for fighting," I said, "but no good reason ever to hate without reservation, to imagine that God Almighty Himself hates with you, too. Where's evil? It's that large part of every man that wants to hate without limit, that wants to hate with God on its side. It's that part of every man that finds all kinds of ugliness so attractive. "It's that part of an imbecile," I said, "that punishes and vilifies and makes war gladly."

• Mother Night isn't one of Vonnegut's most memorable works but it should be. I hardly remembered it after reading it in my 20s. But then I just re-read it a few years ago when I turned 50 and it quickly became one of my favorites. Especially in our modern era of fucking Fox News. The thing Mother Night most taught me was that Sean Hannity should be first against the wall in the coming revolution.

• The game Lobo plays with Stutters is Scrabble. Lobo plays "fragulate". Lobo is so smart!

• Vril Dox and his helper (Lady Quark in a wig, maybe?) retrieve the Black Diamond and then leave it in the same hotel room as Lobo. Even without having seen the cover, I know that's a bad idea! Lobo's anger, rage, and violent libido can probably activate the Black Diamond from several feet away! That wasn't a length of Lobo's dick joke but it could be?

• The first page after everybody leaves Lobo and Lady Quark alone with the Black Diamond makes me laugh out loud. Probably because I'm giddy from all the love chemicals spiking through my brain right now. If I knew how to make heart emojis in HTML, every time I typed L♥B♥, the Os would be hearts. Oh look! I do know how!

1992 and Lobo has mastered the manspread.

• Vril Dox was intelligent enough to somehow beat Lobo in one-on-one combat⁵ so we've got to assume that Vril Dox wanted Lobo to get his hands on the Black Diamond and become Eclipsed. He's already said as much by admitting to Lady Quark that their visit to the United Nations is a sham and that if they really wanted to visit Earth peacefully, they wouldn't have brought Lobo. So why bring Lobo? Why pretend to negotiate an Intergalactic peace summit? Because Vril Dox wants to experiment with making Lobo into super weapon!

• Lobo trashes the hotel trying to kill Lady Quark and Stutters. I mean Zena. Apparently her name is Zena. She can absorb light to make things dark and, this is the important bit, release the light she's absorbed. When Eclipso begins bragging about how darkness is his friend and darkness can't stop the God of Vengeance and "I love Darkness's dick, baby!", Zena thinks light might save the day and blasts Lobo in the face with a million, um, Kelvin? Moles? Parsecs? of light!

• Lobo left the diamond upstairs so once Eclipso's been forced out of him, he returns to plain old regular violent Lobo.

• The rest of L.E.G.I.O.N. returns in time to miss all the action. But when Vril Dox patronizes Lady Quark while she's holding the Black Diamond, she gets super pissed and Eclipses. Or she just saw an opportunity to gain a free beatdown and slapped some make-up on so she could blame it on Eclipso.

• Lady Quark easily defeats all of L.E.G.I.O.N. leaving Lobo to save the day. But not because he wants to save the day. Because he wants to get vengeance on the God of Vengeance for using him to get vengeance on Lady Quark who is currently the God of Vengeance. No matter what happens, Vengeance shall be venged this day. Unless the Justice League shows up to fuck it all up.⁶

How could this team manage to constantly out-fail a team made of Vibe, Gypsy, and Aquaman?!

• English isn't Lobo's first language so he probably thinks "buttheads" is a lot filthier than it actually is. I mean, it sounds pretty filthy! A butt? For a head? Gross! Or is that sexy? Damn, I think it might be sexy.

• Lady Quark gets away and Zena goes missing. She was kidnapped by Bruce Gordon and his Ozymandias gang. Nobody apologizes to Lobo for assuming he was the bad guy because he'd beat the shit out of them if they tried.

• Finally having an intelligent person on the side of the good guys means somebody finally comes up with the idea to take the fight to Eclipso on the moon. It took a fucking Coluan to think up that plan!

The Ranking!
This was the best annual yet! That's a weird thing to say because it surmises that I actually likes some of the annuals and then this one was of even superior quality to those. And I hate annuals! Sure, sure. You can't really know if I liked this annual or not because Lobo was in it and I love everything Lobo is in even if it's terrible. I'll never admit to a Lobo comic being bad. You can't make me! Because, um, I don't believe any Lobo comics are bad! If I ever admitted to a Lobo comic not being the best comic, I'd be lying and that would be wrong. Plus this one had a really fucking great ending where it was all, "Only one more annual left and then the conclusion! You're almost done, baby! Celebrate by eating an entire cake!" And I was all, "Rmffleplumfgrr?"⁷


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Weird, sure. But intriguing!
² I mean, probably. We'll find out on Wednesday, March 18th, if I want to fuck that Lobo!
³ If you ignore the actual beginning.
⁴ Most of Vonnegut's quote age that way because when you can see reality clearly and have no agenda other than to communicate the truth of how things are, your words will always sound prophetic and modern. When you're speaking lies to manipulate people toward a selfish agenda, your words will die over time, if they don't immediately fall out of your mouth stillborn.
⁵ Which is why Lobo works for L.E.G.I.O.N. Keeping his word and being honorable is Lobo's biggest flaw!
⁶ I'm pretty sure fucking things up is in their charter.
⁷ That's "Yes, sir! Right on it, sir!" with my mouth full of half of a cake.

New Titans #96 (April 1993)

Red Star’s new haircut is terrible.

The writing and the art which have kept me uninterested in continuing to read New Titans comic books stubbornly refuses to improve. But The New Titans have decided to go all in on the relationship drama overshadowing any actual crime fighting. It’s one thing to have a school of mutants who spend all of their time wondering who likes whom; it’s totally another when the intended reason for the Titans is to make the world a better place. Instead Garfield is involved in a love triangle with Jillian and Tara. Dick is involved in a love triangle with Starfire and Mirage. Red Star and the last descendant of Anastasia of Russia almost fell in love but then she went and killed Red Star’s father right in front of him. Sarah Charles has been pleasuring herself with a much cheaper machine than she normally uses because Cyborg has become a useless hunk of metal. Pantha isn’t worried about any relationships; she’s too busy chasing squirrels, rats, and chipmunks.

I suppose Red Star saves Boris Yeltsin’s life in this issue but who really considers Red Star a Teen Titan? Why didn’t he get his own mini-series for this story? I certainly never cared about his exploits and I certainly don’t care about his transformation to Solar Flare.

The Teen Titans are really limping to their 100 Issue-versary!

New Titans #95 (March 1993)

This art makes me incredibly grateful that Phil Jimenez is writing Superwomans and not drawing it.

The New Titans have had a lot of terrible stories in their nearly 100 issue run so far but nothing as supremely terrible as this three part story. Louise Simonson’s writing is terrible. Phil Jimenez’s art is barely tolerable. Nightwing has a rattail. Gar has a mullet. There’s a mysterious gorilla spying around a corner (you can see him right there on the cover! That’s all he does inside the comic book too!).

Normally, if the writing were at least mediocre and the art wasn’t so consistently terrible, I would say the worst part about this comic book is that Red Star is the main character (sorry, Red Star fans. But, seriously, if he’s your favorite? Maybe read at least one other thing with another character in it? He’ll soon be your second favorite character!). The other main Titan is Cyborg and he’s currently just a remote controlled killing machine (which makes him only slightly less likeable than when he’s an autonomous being responsible for his own decisions and lackluster personality).

The “B” story involves Nightwing trying to use Mirage so that Dick Grayson can become known as a playboy just like Bruce Wayne. This should allow Dick to date Starfire in public without exposing Grayson’s identity as Nightwing. Now newspapers will just print headlines like “Dick Grayson and Starfire Are Total Sluts” by Iris West.

Also in this issue? Gar continues to not fuck Tara because I don’t know. Pantha kills one bird, Wildebeest gets blamed for it, and Gar flips the fuck out about it. It’s not like Baby Wildebeest was found with the corpse of the neighbor’s kid in his arms!

I'm going to assume Red Star just doesn't have a handle on the English language.


Short Sword? Why didn’t he take the name Gladius? Oh wait! I think I get it now. Hee hee.


I think Louise Simonson is trying to let the reader know these guys are dumb and/or she can't write dialogue.

These weird Roman henchmen are so dumb that Nightwing defeats them by farting on them.

Did Batman teach him this?

Previously, I've complained that Pantha's tail comes directly out of her butthole. But she's always been in costume so I'm sure many of you have thought, "Idiot, Tess. Obviously it doesn't come out of her butthole! You're just obsessed with buttholes."

I'll take my apology now!

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #2

Chip Kidd needs to work on measuring out half of each cover. It's his fault my lines don't meet up!

Here we go again! I'm about to shit all over Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes even though I really enjoyed the last issue! I'll never admit to it! Except in that last sentence. So don't read that sentence again! And it would be best for all involved if you forgot all about it.

Last issue ended with 30th Century Metropolis being invaded by Atomic Knights and huge Dalmatians. This issue will probably be 24 pages of Superboy crying about Krypto. I hope it isn't that many. I hope at least a few pages are spent on Superboy and Ayla fucking.

This issue begins quite seriously with the Atomic Knight Gardner reminding his Atomic Wench how the super-heroes failed to save the world from nuclear annihilation and how he huddled in a bunker for 18 whole days waiting for the bombardment to end. Eighteen days?! What a nightmare! I'm not being sarcastic! How did he not go insane? I flip the fuck out when a web page takes a few seconds too long to load! The mood is somber and dark and Gardner accepts that he must go murder these super-heroes to save his world. And the heroes deserve it for failing the world so many years ago. So he dons his armor, marches outside, and climbs onto a gigantic dog.

Why does Stuart Moore hate people who aren't crying?!

This memory of Superboy's will probably tie into the theme later. Or else Stuart Moore is just a jerk and he likes to make readers feel bad. Maybe Ayla's neck will be broken in the upcoming fight and Superman will grab an axe and be all, "We'll, we don't want her to suffer!" WHACK! Then Brainiac 5 will be all, "NO! It's the 30th century, you 4th Level Intellect! Remember what I just told you earlier in the story?! She just needed a Broken Neck Patch!"

Superboy returns from his memory as Gardner the Atomic Knight is all, "Surrender or we release the plague!" And Superboy is all, "We surrender!" But Brainiac 5 is all, "Don't you know anything, you 5th Level Intellect?! They can't kill us with a plague! We've cured everything in the 30th Century!" And Superboy is all, "Those horses remind me of Krypto! Waaaaaah!"

Sunboy or Orange Shirt Lad or Inappropriate Time For Jokes Kid makes a Monty Python crack about the Atomic Knights. That warrants a laser blast to the face and the fight is on!

While the lower level intellects brawl, Brainiac 5 and an Atomic Knight named Sir Smartnerd work together to try to interpret the strange message they both received from Planet Brainiac.

Penetra-vision makes my butt hurt!

The Legion can't figure out how to combine their powers to defeat knights in armor with lasers so they just get their asses handed to them. Gardner threatens to shoot Invisible Kid in the head if Superboy doesn't surrender but Superboy is all, "I don't see any Invisible Kid! Go ahead and pull the trigger! *snicker*" And Invisible Kid is too unconscious to say, "Mon dieu!"

Wildfire shows up to save the day because he's not dead anymore. Once the dome disappeared he was finally able to put his clothes back on so that he can have a human form.

Losing his hostage, Atomic Knight Gardner resorts to a different threat. He's got a jar of Morticoccus! That sounds like a terrible Off-Broadway musical that I really want to go see now.

I make that tough not-killing decision every hour I'm out in the public! I'm a hero!

The Atomic Knights make peace with the Legion of Super-heroes because they're brave or something. Brainiac and Sir Smartnerd arrive to tell everybody that they discovered Planet Brainiac is transitioning from one reality to another. That's when the earthquake hits, signaling the nearing end of this story. And Superboy and Ayla haven't even copulated yet.

Close enough. I guess. I'm so unsatisfied!

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes #2 Rating: This story was more like the Superboy and Legion of Super-heroes that I'm used to: bland! Even the kiss between Superboy and Ayla was disappointing. They're young! They should be grinding their crotches together as they smooch! I wonder if the Legion Flight Rings come with Chastity Fields? This issue scored Five Horse Dogs out of Ten.

Divergence: Teen Titans
"The Titans must uncover the truth behind Superboy's crimes -- or they all might end up serving time with their former teammate."

This issue begins with the Teen Titans sparring with the STAR Labs All-Star Squadron. Kid Flash is back from the future prison planet he and Solstice had been imprisoned on because that plot was dumb and Scott Lobdell fucked everything up. So now Bart is back and we're all just going to forget about what an awful Marvel character Scott Lobdell turned him into in the last Teen Titans run, aren't we? Just like we're going to try to forget the horror of Ann Nocenti's Klarion since he's joined this comic book. I guess Solstice doesn't get a second chance though? Why would Bart leave her in the future?! Weren't they in love?

Oh wait! I'm probably supposed to think that never happened. I'm probably supposed to be super excited about all the new young characters joining this book and ignore all of the past problems Scott Lobdell created by sodomizing the Teen Titans against their will for three long years. Is this New DC Comics spectacular supposed to freshen up the Titans? Are we pretending Scott Lobdell's run never happened? It'll be hard for me to let it all go because it left scars but I can try!

This short story finally has Red Robin realizing that he made a mistake jumping immediately into bed with Manchester Black. Tim wants nothing to do with STAR Labs now because they want to hunt down Superboy and lock him up. Tim and the other Titans want to help Superboy and figure out what happened with all the murders he's being blamed for. Wonder Girl and Power Girl are siding with Black so they've joined the STAR Labs All-Star Squadron with Kid Flash and Klarion and The Guardian and probably the Legion of Newsboys.

So that's the setup for the Titans near future. Two sets of Titans at odds with each other. Genius Manchester Black facing off against Genius Harvest Red Robin. Kid Flash back from the prison planet of Takron-Galtos without Solstice. Skitters still missing in action because her character was an awful idea. And a whole bunch of crap I'll probably lose interest in rather quickly. Teen Titans, you are on notice! Will you be the first DC Comics book I drop when the universe soft reboots? I hope so!