The Terrifics #21

I don't believe Metamorpho could be affected by the Anti-life virus.

I'm four episodes into doing reviews¹ of The Twilight Zone series and I just realized Hulu is also currently airing The Outer Limits and Alfred Hitchock Presents. Should I do reviews of all three series at the same time, episode by episode?! I'm really² conflicted about this. I suppose it would be fairly easy to do all three at the same time since my reviews¹ don't actually take a lot of time to write. I mean, they're still great and worth reading because I only speak the truth³. If you disagree with me, you might want to do some soul searching to figure out why you're such a Goddamned liar.

Last issue, The Terrifics turned into Voltron⁴ so they could travel from the 1980s to 1960s. This is a comic book so that sentence makes sense without having to read it more than once.

Voltron was a syndicated cartoon shown daily on weekdays and not a Saturday Morning Cartoon, Mr. Saturday Morning Cartoon Himself.

I suppose time travel is confusing so I shouldn't be surprised that I'm confused but maybe I'm confused?

Let me preface my rant about this panel with this statement: I know next to fuck to nothing about cars. But, thanks to a few family members' obsessions with them, I do know a little something about Corvettes. I think.

These two panels first struck me odd because the speaker is excited about seeing "an '81 Corvette." Obviously car people know how to tell the difference between the yearly models of many types of cars. But I can't help thinking, "Who the fuck notices, specifically, an '81 'Vette?!" Maybe it's a fault with my severely lacking ability to recognize cars but if I saw an 80s Corvette, I'd probably be able to tell it was from the 80s but that's about it. Then due to time travel, the car, in the next panel, has already changed from an '81 Corvette to what I'm guessing is supposed to be a Sixties Corvette. Because we're traveling from the 80s to the 60s. But that's a fucking '56 or '57⁵! Am I wrong?! Wouldn't a 60s Corvette have the dual headlights? I understand that a 1957 Corvette would still exist in the 60s but that would sort of ruin it as a marker of time travel by turning it from an '81 to a '57. But then again, this is a time travel story! So maybe I should follow the clues that the artist and writer are giving me and just think, "Oh! I guess they're in 1957 now!"

I bet when I turn the page, something somewhere will simply state, "The Terrifics are now in 1957! Whoa!", and all my fucking ranting will be for naught. So, like usual.

Judging by the looks of The Terrifics on the next page, I think I'm supposed to believe they're still in the Eighties and that the Corvette pictured is supposed to be an '81 Corvette? No, no! That's too much to swallow! But I can't stop thinking about it! Is it an error?! Is it a visual representation of the year in which The Terrifics find themselves? Is it....

That's not a monster! That's an insemination machine!

I can't tell what year the insemination machine is from because I've never needed to use one, old or new. Being that it's a giant robot monster, it could be from anytime in the last half of the 20th Century.

During the giant robot battle that's exciting because it's a battle between giant robots, Plastic Man crashes into a venue that definitely pins the time period down to the 80s: a dance club slash arcade slash pizza joint⁶. Just in case you weren't sure that that screamed "EIGHTIES!", there's a poster on the wall that says, "80's!"

The rest of the issue is just a lot of fighting. Lots and lots of fighting. With Rocket Reds and evil Plastic Men instead of giant robots. I think Gene Luen Yang grew bored of writing 80s references and just turned the rest of the issue into filler to get to the 70s. In the 70s, The Terrifics turn into the Scooby Doo Gang and then the Legion of Doom take over the multiverse.

The Terrifics #21 Final Thoughts: I'm still disturbed by the Stephen Segovia's drawing of a 1981 Corvette. I've stopped reading comic books for far slighter errors than that. Luckily for all the creators involved, not reading this comic book means I need to actually remove it from my pull list which means speaking to the local comic book clerks and probably looking them in the eye for a few seconds. I might not be up for that this week and then I'll forget and before you know it, I'm reading the next issue of The Terrifics.

_____________________________________________
¹ I don't actually write reviews. I vomit genius opinions in vulgar language such that people who think they're smart read them and think I'm an idiot and people who aren't smart read them and think I'm a pretentious twat. It's a curse!
² Not really.
³ I only speak the truth! I only speak the truth! I only speak the truth! I only SPEAK THE TRUTH!
⁴ I spent so long trying to find an alt code for a superscript numeral four that would work in HTML that I forgot what this footnote was supposed to be. I could not find one so I'm using the HTML SUP tag instead. That's why the 4 looks like a superscript number with gigantism.
⁵ I'm assuming the two vertical lines coming off of the wheel well are the signature body indentation which is usually painted white and gives that particular Corvette such a distinctive look.
⁶ You know. Just like we spent all of our time at in the 80s. All of us. All the time. It was totally a thing.

The Terrifics #20

Most of Plastic Man is up Mr. Terrific's butthole.

I love the word butthole. Some people think buttholes are gross but I think they're often adorable enough to be called buttholes. I'm not saying all buttholes are cute and adorable because as an Internet denizen, I have seen The Butthole That Shall Not Be Named. You know, goat.se. But I've also seen many, many beautiful and adorable buttholes too! What I'm trying to say is I hope we get to see Phantom Girl's butthole this issue.

Some people think it's weird and immature to be sexually attracted to cartoon and/or comic book characters. But I think it's a totally natural instinct for sophisticated and adult art lovers. Do you think cavemen weren't jacking it to cave art? Please. Half the markings on the wall are probably dried cum. I'm not ashamed of saying I would totally fuck Phantom Girl! I wouldn't say it to somebody I know. Or somebody I don't know. Or anybody in public at all ever. But I'll write it here!

I know what some of you are thinking: you're a gross pedophile. But Phantom Girl is actually quite old. Remember, she spent like seventy years in the Dark Multiverse. Also, even if she wasn't older than I am, she's a fucking cartoon character! I also wanted to fuck Sailor Mars! Unless I wanted to be Sailor Mars. It's hard to fucking tell sometimes! I think it was more that I wanted to be Sailor Mars so I could go around fucking guys like me. Man, to be a hot woman! I'd suck so much dick! I'm not saying I want to suck dick now, as myself. It's weird that that doesn't appeal to me. But being a woman and going around sucking tons of dick totally does appeal to me. That's probably a fairly normal fantasy, right? I bet part of the fantasy stems from the fact that there's nothing more overtly sexual than a rock hard veiny penis straining to be shoved in any opening it can find! So making a bunch of dicks cum has to be like everybody's number one fantasy, right? Also maybe putting two in your butt at the same time while sucking those dicks. Hey, I'm just as normal as the next guy!

All of that is to say I took The Terrifics off of my pull list. This will be my last chance to see Power Girl's butthole. Fingers crossed!

The Terrifics begin this issue by battling their Bizarro opposites, The Terribles. It's terrifically confusing. Or terribly not confusing? Jeez, I used to like Bizarro so much but I hate him more and more as I grow older. That wasn't me speaking like Bizarro. It's how I really feel. I'm speaking seriously. Believe the things I'm writing. I am not doing a Bizarro impression. If I was doing a Bizarro impression, it would sound like this: "Me totally joking when me not say me hate Phantom Girl's butthole." See? You can't even parse that, can you? But at least it's there in writing for everybody to plainly see my true feelings on fucking underage cartoon characters when I appear before a judge on whatever charges can be charged to somebody for that. "See, judge? I'm totally innocent of perversion! As you can see, me was totally joking when me not say me hate Phantom Girl's butthole!" And then when the judge looks confused and says, "Guilty!", I'll say, "Real guilty or Bizarro guilty?"

This is exactly the same sex speech I prepared for my butthole sex with Phantom Girl! Me am not rock hard right now!

It's weird seeing Mr. Terrible acting as if he's Mr. Terrific's opposite. I thought Mrs. Terrific was Mr. Terrific's opposite. He has T-spheres while she has T-cubes and he has T-balls while she has a T-box. Totally opposite!

The Terribles are trying to power a time machine with something from The Terrifics' headquarters. They get away with one of Phantom Girl's trinkets that allows her to contact The Phantom Zone. That's how she accesses her powers. It makes sense because they both have "phantom" in their name.

Is smell the opposite of sight? I would have guessed touch was the opposite of sight and taste was the opposite of hearing while smell was its own opposite.

The Terribles use their time machine to move themselves and everything around them (maybe the entire planet?) back to the Image 90s. The Terrifics wind up in more extreme uniforms with more pouches and tighter, more dynamic buttholes. It's a fucking dream come true!

You might be wondering how I know the buttholes of 90s Image heroes were so tight and dynamic. Just ask Rob Liefeld, Jim Lee, or Todd McFarlane. It was the number one reason they began Image! DC and Marvel were adamant about Batman and Spider-man having totally loose buttholes. But the fan reaction to Todd McFarlane's new and improved Spider-man butthole sent shockwaves through the comic book industry. Who knew fans would be so rabid about heroes with tighter buttholes that they'd crash the entire market years later due to speculation! Everybody thought those foil butthole covers were going to be worth thousands of dollars thirty years later. Of course now we know a comic book will only become valuable if the character introduced in it somehow breaks out of the comic medium and becomes a film superstar, like Deadpool or Donatello Turtle.

Talk about tight buttholes! Those mutant turtles' buttholes were watertight!

The Terrifics spend a few pages reminding everybody how ridiculous life was in the 90s. People watched television on televisions that were totally different and they engaged in physical activities except ridiculous ones like rollerblading and they wore clothes but clothes that can be mocked by people thirty years down the line unlike the clothes we were today which will never be mockable. They also drink sodas out of glass bottles instead of different glass bottles and they said things like "Cowabunga is my butthole tight!" and collected things but dumb and valueless things like Beanie Babies instead of super valuable things like Heroclix and 90s comic books. Man, we were so dumb in the 90s! Ha ha! Idiots!

Look, I'm not saying I came in my pants at this shot of Phantom Girl's butt and her saying, "You want a taste of my dark matter touch." I'm just not saying it. In print.

The Terrifics continue to go back in time with The Terribles where their costumes keep changing by the decade. Phantom Girl is, of course, adorable in her Molly Ringwald look that you can barely see in the background of one panel but which I know by heart for reasons I won't go into but you can probably guess at. Why am I so fucking honest on this blog? Um, that was me being Bizarro! I'm totally not honest at all on this blog! It's all hilarious jokes!

The Terrifics #20 Rating: B+. I love Phantom Girl's butthole but I just don't love this comic book enough to keep paying for it. Even if I kind of want to finish this story. If a future issue does happen to show Phantom Girl's butthole, somebody please contact me and let me know! Thanks!

Justice League #14

"Okay! Everybody smile and look violent!"

Only one thing happens in this comic book that I want to talk about.

What hack writer put this fucking scene together? Let's see...oh, it was James Tynion IV! I suppose the Justice League is all about huge threats and terrible consequences. But does Superman have to be so stupid that he would suggest evacuating the planet as opposed to calling for his portal to the Phantom Zone? Or maybe just flying Starman into space? Or maybe asking a magic-user to send Starman to a dimension where he could cause a ton of destruction and nobody would care, like Gemworld? What about getting on the phone to Plastic Man to encase Starman in a Plastic Man cartoon-powerful invulnerable cocoon? Or maybe just have Batman solve the problem with a bat-thingy? I suppose I could continue to list options that would be much quicker than "evacuating the planet," but why am I over here trying to do James Tynion IV's job for him?!

I get this scene isn't really that important and it's just supposed to tell the reader, "Fucking hell! The Justice League must save the entire world yet again! But not this month! Ha ha! Huge cliffhanger!" But what the scene really does is just make Superman look stupid. And I'm tired of Superman looking stupid.

Grade: Fuck you. Other than that, it was pretty good because Hawkman was revealed to be a huge jerk again. And J'onn J'onzz got a martian boner and had to run from a dance. It was like watching Degrassi Junior High all over again!

Action Comics #974

I have the "Can you spot the hidden Batmobile?" variant cover by Gary Frank.

Superwoman Lana Lang is currently dying. Superman realizes that no doctor on Earth can help her because Earth doctors suck so much. It's like he was rocketed into the fucking stone age! Stupid fucking Earth doctors. But Superman knows how he can save her! He's taking her to the Fortress of Solitude because it's her only hope.

Now wait a Goddamned second, Superman! You have the technology to save people who Earth doctors can't save and you're keeping it just for your friends and family? Shouldn't you be giving away this technology for free?! I'm probably jumping to conclusions. I'm sure Lana's only hope isn't that Superman has a machine that can cure any mortal illness. It's probably just a machine that can cure people dying of having too much super power. So, you know, it wouldn't work on normies anyway. Wink, wink. I mean, I just had something in my eye and wasn't winking at all to make sure you understood that Superman just doesn't want to help regular Earthlings.

Meanwhile in Metropolis, Lois Smith has turned Clark Kent's stalking around on him. So now she's stalking him stalking her. Eventually Lois got tired of walking around the block over and over and over again. So she accepted a dinner date with Clark Kent so she could do some undercover investigations of him. Hopefully literally under the covers, amirite?! It's not cheating if the person is a doppelgänger from another world. Also not cheating: having sex with your own doppelgänger from another world!

Here's my theory explaining the mystery Clark Kent: he's a robot that was built in the eighties and doesn't have any ports to update his memory files, so he's permanently stuck in 1986. No wait. That's my theory explaining Dan Jurgens!

While Clark Kent and Lois Smith check into a seedy motel, Superman decides Lana Lang can be saved by sticking her inside Kryptonian Battle Armor. Is that where he recovered from his battle with Doomsday? Or was he just comatose in a coffin? I might be able to remember it if The Death of Superman hadn't been thirty years ago. And also if I had read it.

Superman is alerted to intruders at the Himalayan Fortress of Solitude but he ignores it. It has automated defenses and it's not like anybody has ever broken in before. At least no more than one or two people, anyway. Things should totally be safe. It's not like there's a history of somebody inside the Fortress being taken over by Blanque who forces them to release him? That was sarcastic. Also, it's happening again!

Back in Metropolis, Clark Kent asks Lois Smith to marry him. When did he suddenly get the idea that Lois was interested in him? He's suddenly obsessed. Which means he's being controlled! Or maybe that photo album that he left at the door of the Smiths in Superman #18 (which I only read up until that point before I realized I should probably read this) was a photo album of Preboot Superman's wedding that fell through time and landed at this Clark Kent's feet. So he, obviously, believed it came from the future and that meant he and Lois were meant to have sex!

When Lois refuses to see things Clark's way, he goes from mild mannered nice guy to obsessed misogynist stalker. You know, just like all the guys who call themselves nice guys wind up doing.

Clark follows Lois back to her home in Hamilton County. She doesn't notice because Metropolis taxis go out to her farm all the time, probably. It's either that or she didn't notice and who the hell would think Lois Lane wouldn't notice being followed?! Not me! Standing outside the house, Clark Kent sees that Lois is married to a look-a-like and they have a kid together. He flips the fuck out and decides he's going to destroy them all. Because that's a thing nice guys do. Just research GamerGate! All those guys who constantly threatened women through all that? Almost assuredly think of themselves as nice guys. Apparently their definition of a not nice guy is an attractive guy with whom women want to have sex. A nice guy is a guy women don't want to have sex with because they're not attractive and they obsess over Magic the Gathering and they live with their parents and they show no outward sign of being responsible for their own lives or future. But they're nice! Up until you refuse to have sex with them, of course. But that's understandable, right?!

The Ranking!
No change! I'm not really enjoying Action Comics much at all. But it's going to hit Issue #1000 some day and I want to be around for that!

Action Comics #973

Is he a pervy stalker with severe anger issues?

• Superman discovers that his Fortress of Solitude (the new one in the Himalayas and not the old one in the Arctic. Or was it Antarctica? You know what? For awhile there, it was both because a lot of the New 52 writers were stupid) has been breached! I also could have used the word probed there because his Fortress looks like a huge butthole in the side of a mountain. I'm feeling a little bit like DC Comics goat.se'd me.

• When did Patrick Zircher begin going by "Patch"? If my name were Patrick and somebody tried to nickname me "Patch," I would be on death row right now.

Move aside, World's Greatest Detective! There's a new challenger in town!

• While searching for the intruder, Superman passes through his illegal prison. Inside are Blanque, The Shaggy Man (who he must have rescued from floating in space), and some super hot woman posing in a window. There are several others but Patch and Steve-o were too lazy to draw any details. Superman's ability to imprison dangerous criminals without any due process has always troubled me. Not a lot! But it just doesn't jibe with his supposed super-ethics. I guess in the same way he learns to control his super-hearing so that it doesn't drive him crazy, he's also able to manifest a certain amount of denial to help keep the world safe. Throwing people into The Phantom Zone and locking them up in his private prison seem like greater good choices. But they also seem like the actions of a man who doesn't really believe humans are capable of handling their own problems.

• Has Superman ever been sued by somebody who escaped The Phantom Zone? That seems like it could have been the plot for one of the 80s Superman movie sequels.

• The person who broke into his Fortress of Ancillary Solitude is Steel. He's super-smart so it makes sense that he could break into Superman's vacation home. He's brought Superwoman Lana Lang because she's dying. She probably has a lethal case of Comic Book About To Be Cancelled.

• You're probably wondering why this story is about Superman when, according to the cover, it's supposed to be concentrating on Clark Kent. I am too! Is that a coincidence or was I just projecting my feelings onto you? Oh who cares?! It probably means we should kiss though!

• Clark Kent is overseeing Lois Lane while she does some kind of investigative journalism shenanigans. She's pretending to be a waitress so she can bug a table with a crooked cop conducting crooked business. You can tell he's a crooked cop because he paws at her and leers at her and suggests she sit on his lap like a big girl. Clark, listening in, is all, "We should go in there and save her before she touches his boner!" That's when everybody is all, "Oh how cute! Clark thinks Lois needs his help destroying creeps!"

• The crooked cop and councilman and paid off witness all conveniently say the things they're guilty of right into Lois's hidden microphone. But then they start to laugh and Clark is all, "They're probably looking at her tits!" as he runs out of the stakeout van to fuck up the entire sting.

• Maggie Sawyer has also been invited along to arrest the bad guys once they conveniently incriminate themselves. When the sting falls apart, she blames Clark Kent for running out of the van and into the bar. But the sting falls apart long before that because Maggie keeps getting Lois to talk into her hidden microphone and one of the bodyguards notices. Who's the real amateur, Maggie?!

Sad trombone.

• After the mostly successful journalistic undercover operation, Lois Lane decides to continue her undercover work. She follows Clark Kent home to try to figure out who this guy really is.

• Some of Lois's early clues to his identity: he says words like "hoosegow," he offers her a ride home even though he's walking, he doesn't notice the rain, he eats only dessert foods, and he still lives in the apartment Clark Smith live in before he and Lois were married. Maybe he's one of Superman's sperm come to life after masturbating on an alien relic that rolled under the bed. Then it grew quickly to adulthood so that it acts like a little kid and also still like a sperm (the not noticing rain and the incessant need to fertilize Lois).

• Lois follows him into the building and the lobby guard acts like he hasn't seen Clark in months. Clark must be paying him off in Big Belly Burger Apple Pies!

• Back to the Alt-Fortress of Solitude, Superman and Steel remain baffled by Lana's sickness. But Superman knows somebody who might be able to help her! He doesn't tell Steel he just says, "Follow me! As best you can since, you know, I'm even faster than The Flash." And Steel is all, "I'll track you but wouldn't it be better to give me an address?! Are we going to the Earth's core to visit Dr. Veritas?"

• As they leave, some mysterious figures are all, "Look! The clues we needed to find the place the clues are coming from! We'll be rich! Probably!" It's just one of those panels setting up a future story that Dan Jurgens may just forget about.

• Remember how Lobdell used to write in plot threads that never went anywhere because he was always just writing whatever came to mind and the best way to make a story seem exciting is to present a mysterious thing that will surely be a great story in the future (but never, ever actually was). Remember when Superman found that door floating in the air? Nothing came of that. Remember when Superman had a zombie Lana Lang living in his head? Nothing ever came of that. Remember when Superman did some thing with H'el that totally went nowhere but then Scott Lobdell remembered he was going to bring back Krypton with that story but he ended it differently for possibly editorial reasons (or boredom (or forgetfulness)) and then like a year later, he just rewrote the story so he could tell it the way he was trying to tell it the first time?

Meanwhile, Sperman has decided it's time to step up his fertilization game.

• Lois agrees to have dinner with Clark. Probably not because fucking him doesn't count as cheating. Does it? I mean, she's probably doing it so she can figure out who he is. Preferably before sleeping with him. But anything for the story, right?

• It turns out the person responsible for tracking flying men in and out of the Himalayas is Doctor Henshaw. He must have left his keys in the Fortress.

The Ranking!
No change! Why does this have to be a mult-part story?! I just want to know who this Clark Kent really is so he can be rubbed out or sprayed with bleach or whatever you do to clean up semen stains.

Action Comics #972

Touching butts is extremely sexual to Kryptonians. And to Earthlings, really.

The Review!
Look, I'm fucking busy. Not busy in the way most people think when they hear the word busy. I'm not busy saving lives or doing work or prioritizing important issues in my life that would probably make me a happier person overall. No, I'm fucking busy fucking around. My days are full of leisure hours because I've decided leisure is better than stress. I endure just enough stress to support maximizing my leisure hours. And I don't just sit there thinking, "Christ. I'm fucking bored. Why do people live so long?" I mean, sometimes I do wonder why people live so long but mostly that's due to the constant erosion of our senses of wonder and our capacity for passion until we're just vapid hunks of intellect that can't be bothered to emote anymore. But mostly, I don't feel boredom because I pack so much time wasting into my leisure time! Even explaining this shit is intruding on all the time wasting I had planned! And since I have so much time wasting to get to, and because it's bugging the fuck out of me that I'm still reading these comic books that came out months ago instead of reading comics the week they come out, I'm going to try my best to stifle my digressive nature! I'm going to get right to the review of the comic book which I'm going to read before even writing the review instead of writing the review as I read it. Even now, I'm stifling the urge to digress about how I just pointed out how I was going to stifle my urge to digress!

Okay. I'm reading now! You just fucking wait until I'm finished. I am not going to interrupt my reading, no matter how many times Superman does something ill-conceived!

I'm not even going to make a pants shitting joke here!

I'm not done reading the comic book yet but I can't just stand by and not mention a stupid plot point. L'call and Zade are hunting Lex Luthor. Even when Superman defends Luthor, they say things like "Out of the way" and "You aren't our target." So presumably, they don't give a shit what happens to Superman. Later, Lex and Superman come up with a plan to evade Zade and L'call: split up! Their reasoning is that it will force Zade and L'call to split up. Wrong. It would just mean Zade and L'call get to hunt down Lex Luthor while Superman hides in a bush.

Of course comic books being what comic books are (generally poorly constructed plots by average writers who have to deal with editorial interference and tight monthly schedules which result in stories that constantly reuse old comic book plots, tropes, and clichés), Zade and L'call split up.

Of course it helps if you have super-cunning, super-speed, and super-agility.

What would have been cunning? L'call and Zade shrugging their shoulders over Lex and Superman splitting up and both just going after Lex!

Okay! So, what is this issue about and what does it attempt to do? Aside from the usual bits where Superman is shown to still be Superman even without his powers, or that other bit where an antagonist isn't killed by the protagonist so it causes the antagonist to completely rethink their entire belief system, it does a nice job reworking the relationship between Lex Luthor and Superman. It reframes New 52 Lex Luthor for the audience. Superman has never known this Lex to be a super-villain. And aside from Lex being in prison with a scar across his face in He Who Shall Not Be Named's run of Superman, DC hasn't given readers any proof that Lex is any more of a criminal than any other ethically challenged corporate CEO. In seeing how some aliens have already convicted Luthor for crimes they suspect he'll commit, Superman realizes how wrong is his assumption that Lex will inevitably do something terrible. So Lex and Superman bro-hug it out and decide to start over. Superman is no longer suspicious of Lex and Lex no longer has an anti-hard-on for super-powered aliens. We'll see how that eventually plays out, of course, but I like the idea of Rebirth starting out with a neutral relationship between Preboot Superman and New 52 Lex Luthor. This is actually doing right what The New 52 should have fucking done previously. Instead of that stupid fucking scar-faced Lex Luthor who was in the only prison that could hold him because Superman dared him to make a prison that he couldn't escape from. You-Know-Who wrote that stupid idea and then never followed up with the obvious reality of that idea: Lex Luthor would have built a prison that seemed like he couldn't get out of but he could leave any time he wanted.

Anyway, no change on the ranking or anything. Because even if I liked some aspects of this, I still hated the oft-used plot devices and the bit with Clark, after having met Jon, storm away thinking that Lois is lying to him (which she is! Surprise!) and the ending where the guy who saw Superman's future is all, "Oho! Superman is going to have a lot of shit to worry about so keep buying this comic, boys and girls!"

Action Comics #971

Superman as executioner! This feels like a cover from the sixties.

This whole setup is perfect! Superman can kill Lex and return to Earth like nothing ever happened.

Lois: *while doing laundry* "So, what happened to Lex?"
Clark: "Oh, um, couldn't find him."
Lois: "That's too...um, why is the inside of your suit covered in dried semen?"

Having discovered Lex Luthor was hiding a Mother Box in his rectum, Superman now believes that Lex Luthor is completely guilty of everything ever. Although if I know Superman (and I'm pretty sure I know Superman. He's not too smart, a little naive, writes editorial pieces as Clark Kent praising the fuck out of himself, punches things in the face constantly, etc.), I have to assume he's faking so he can come up with a plan to shit all over this planet's laws and rescue Lex from the gallows.

After saying that, Superman does this:


Way to fake a whole bunch of stupid tension for two pages, Jurgens!

Superman tries to escape with Lex in a Boom Tube. But L'call manages to hack the Boom Tube and they wind up on a swamp planet with a red sun. See? I knew Superman was going to get careless and fuck himself by leaving Earth! Lex would be better off having relied on Aquaman. Although it would have to be Cullen Bunn's Aquaman since that's the Aquaman that travels through space. If I were Lex, I'd rather die.

L'call and Zade arrive and there's a big fight where Lex has to play the hero because Superman is powerless. The end of the fight doesn't take place before the end of this issue.

Meanwhile on Earth, Lois and Jon are hanging out in New 52 Lois's apartment when Fake Clark Kent drops by with some Chinese food. He's been suspicious that Jon had something to do with Lois and Superman which is why he's been snooping around. Now he's probably killed the takeout delivery guy so he could catch Lois together with Jon.

The Ranking!
Ugh. No change, I suppose. I probably would have dropped this comic a few months ago but I can't drop it before it gets to Issue #1000, can I?! I'm such a sucker! What a dope! I hate myself for my weakness!

Action Comics #966

Did Superman just get done fucking that cloud?

I'm not terribly excited about reading this issue because that header, "Lois Lane, Back at the Planet," doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. Last issue was about that and it had no action in it at all. Maybe that's why Superman is trying to obfuscate the title.

I don't know if the issue begins with Superman throwing Superboy toward the house at hundreds of miles per hour or Lois Lane imagining that her husband thinks that's a good idea. The stupid kid got a concussion falling out of a tree! Should Superman really be throwing Jon at high velocity and hoping his kid doesn't smash into the ground? I'm just going to assume that this is Lois's fantasy and not something that really happened.

Earlier, Preboot Lois broke into Lois's apartment and she was caught by Superwoman. Not Lois Lane Superwoman since she's dead. She was caught by Lana Lang Superwoman.

No, she admitted she is her! Why doesn't anybody listen anymore?! Thanks, Trump!

Before Preboot Lois and Lana get into a super hot fight, Superman shows up to throw cold water on me. I mean them. That's when Superwoman drops her disguise and says, "Surprise! It's me! Clark's first handjob!"

After Lana's revelation that she and Lois Lane received super powers when New 52 Superman died, Preboot Lois logs into Lois's computer and instantly finds a video message from Lois to Preboot Lois. I would complain about how computers don't work like that but I should probably be thankful I didn't have to read two pages of Lois searching through Lois's laptop for pertinent information.

Jeez, Lois! Who said you had the right to reveal Lana Lang's secret identity?! First she nearly destroys Superman by blabbing his secret identity, and now she could have ruined Lana too!

The rest of the message will probably be, "Now that I'm dead, you should take over being me! And when you do that, try to stop mentioning that there was ever another Lois. Pretty soon, everybody will completely forget this dual Lois and Clark nonsense!"

Before Lois gets to the part where Preboot Lois should take over her identity so that nobody is sad, she decides to freak them out by implying that her sickness brought on by her superpowers might be a sickness that could kill anybody with superpowers! Great reporting, Lois! Could you at least wait until you have some evidence or solid sources before you freak everybody out! You probably just got Super-Cancer from inhaling the cremated remains of a Kryptonian. It's probably a lot like inhaling asbestos. Those Superman bits in your lungs are just going to lodge in there forever, and probably just get stronger and bigger the longer you stay in the sun.

How?! I thought Lana was supposed to be a super genius!

Preboot Lois Lane takes over for dead Lois Lane and everything is one step closer to forgetting The New 52 ever happened! Now if Superman can just take care of that extra Clark Kent, he can get back to working for the Daily Planet too! Then in a few years, everybody will be all, "The New Fifty What?"

There's an epilogue that features that guy whose roommate is a miniature Apokolips with Superman's symbol burned onto it. He summons a big beast of a man named Zade. I think they're intergalactic police and they're hunting Superman because he's a murderer. I don't know which Superman they're hunting though. Probably the Lex Luthor one. He seems like the most murdery of them all.

The Review!
If I'm just a reader and I'm completely sick of these stories that are simply packing away any evidence of The New 52, imagine how tired the writers must be! This shit is boring. Dan Jurgens just had to expand the editorial mandate "Put Preboot Lois back at the Daily Planet" into forty pages! I suppose Dan Jurgens could have had fun with it and made some crazy, whimsical, nonsense story reminiscent of Action Comics in the sixties. But instead, he decided to treat it like work and trudge from Point A to Point B in the most boring and obvious way possible. Hopefully he comes up with a more enjoyable story about the death of Clark Kent and Preboot Superman's usurping of his life.

Action Comics #965

That clock is way too flaccid for what's going on here.

The Review!
In boring news for the bored, Lois Smith has decided her best next life course of action is to impersonate Lois Lane and commit serious fraud, breaking and entering, theft, and probably some kind of sodomy. She does such a good job, she even fools the Narration Boxes into putting little LLs into themselves. Everybody is either completely fooled or pretending to be completely fooled since nobody knows Lois Lane was turned into a pile of dust by a female Bizarro. Well, nobody except that other Superwoman, Lana Lang. She guest stars in this comic book along with Perry White, Jimmy Olsen, that Meathead Football Lunk Reporter, and Lex Luthor. Overall, nothing exciting happens and I'm a little bit sorry I spent time reading this issue and a lot sorry I spent time writing this bit that points out that I wasted my time reading it. Lois never even takes any clothes off. So disappointing.

The Ranking!
0! That title, "Action Comics", is seriously misleading.

Action Comics #962

The Review!
The problem with Superman stories where he battles somebody who is physically stronger than he is (because far too many people think that's the only way to make somebody a threat to Superman) is that Superman has only two options of truly dealing with those threats. Kill them or put them in The Phantom Zone. He rarely kills the threats unless they're non-sentient aliens (and sometimes he doesn't even kill those! Wuss!) so it's usually The Phantom Zone answer. Which means any story in which Superman battles a physically superior foe winds up being the same comic book story with the same conclusion. The only difference is the palette used by the colorist for the costume of the bad guy. What I'm trying to say is Superman stories where he beats the shit out of the enemy are boring and say nothing at all about the Man of Steel. I think we already know he'll give his life to save the world. But what else will he do to save the world? Will he cheat on Lois? Will he lie to his son? Will he prank Batman?! Let's explore some other avenues of this motherfucker's personality, please!

The Commentary!
Apparently I never have to listen to Les Misérables ever again because I listened to it in its entirety last week and now all of the fucking songs are stuck in my head and will not get the fuck out. It's like being haunted by a bunch of sad sacks and angry men! At this point, I'd welcome demon possession to simply put an end to this torture!

Maybe reading comic books will distract me in much the same way it distracts me from contemplating the impending grave.

Superman is still battling Doomsday in that particular way which got him killed last time. So you can probably guess how this fight will end! Superman is not a smart man. I guess then he'd be called Smartman. Luckily for Average-Intelligenceman, The O League has arrived to deal with Doomsday. While watching the battle in safety aboard the Watchtower, Wonder Woman calls Doomsday "the ultimate weapon." Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that the "ultimate weapon" wears green cargo shorts?

Too bad the members of The O League are about as smart as Superman.

You have a ranged weapon, idiot! Why did you get within Doomsday's reach?!

By the way, you don't have to answer that question in the comments with some guessed at explanation of how The O League soldier's Shove Gun works. It was simply a rhetorical, jokey question. Not everything you read on the Internet needs a response, especially when it's a joke about a comic book and your answer is nothing more than your own guess at comic book logic. In fact, don't answer any questions I ask in my blog because there is a 99.9% chance that I either already know the actual answer or I am just making a joke, or I just wish I were dead already.

"I am the master of hundreds of workers they all look to me!" SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

Dr. Oz(yman(hattan)dias)'s O League starts getting killed one by one by Doomsday. I bet Doomsday has been killed like this before so now he's immune to it!

Up on the Watchtower, Lois asks Wonder Woman who would be crazy enough to want Doomsday as a weapon and Dr. Oz, watching from his Cockpit of Media Mastery, feels the need to defend himself to nobody by answering her question. That makes me think he actually is crazy! Some person I assume I played on Call of Duty messaged me last week telling me to sell my game. I think the argument was that I was terrible. I have no idea who the person was but it was either one of two things that got his goat: I kicked his ass or he kicked my ass one game and decided to taunt me because my stats make me look amazing (I am!). So I just responded with "Virgin?" because I am an articulate genius who knows the exact right thing to say to somebody to make their head blow up. He responded with "Thanks for the offer, I appreciate it. But I'm married to a gorgeous and sexy woman! I have kids and a great job making over 100k/yr. maybe there is someone out there for you though... Keep searching and I'm sure you'll find HIM!!" Wow! His life is really going great! Although, I mean, sincerely...if your life is that great, do you really need the feel to berate a person on the Internet for no reason and then feel the need to justify your existence to that person when they respond to your nonsense? Although calling me gay at the end was a great burn!

After all of Ozy's soldiers have been killed, Superman goes back to Plan A: punch Doomsday to death and then die as well. Although you would think Dan Jurgens has had enough time now to come up with an ending to this story that doesn't involve merely fisticuffs. Because we've already learned that Doomsday can't be killed by anything that killed him previously. And one of those things was Superman's fists! Unless what really killed Doomsday during The Death of Superman story was Booster Gold's face smashing repeatedly into Doomsday's fists.

Ew. Somebody outside is coughing up both lungs, their liver, a kidney, and possibly their pancreas. I think I'm now sick just from hearing that.

Superman makes mention of his plan in bits and pieces. He points out that Step One is to get Doomsday away from Metropolis. Apparently Step Two is to get Doomsday even further away from Metropolis. Hmm. I wonder what Step Three is going to be?! My guess is it's either "Get Doomsday even further away from further than Metropolis" or "Die while punching Doomsday in the face."

"You're here...that's all I need to know! And you will keep me safe..." SHUT UP! "...and you will keep me close..." SHUT THE FUCK UP! "...I'll sleep in your embrace..." AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!

This issue is called "Path of Doom: Conclusion." It's the "conclusion" part of the title that's my favorite part!

The third part of Superman's plan is to open the door to his Himalayan Fortress and invite Doomsday inside because Superman has anti-Doomsday weaponry inside. I guess activating the deus ex machina is always a better plan than punching yourself to death.

This might be the most passionless and dull I've ever seen Wonder Woman! "Clark say stay! Me stay! Watch die from here!"

Jon convinces Wonder Woman that his name isn't stupid without the "h". It's a totally acceptable version of John! Then he asks her to go help his dad and Diana shrugs and says, "Whatever. Me go, me guess."

Diana teleports into Clark's Himalayan Fortress and begins beating Doomsday with her shield. Is that some kind of metaphor I'm missing out on? "The best offense is a good defense but used as offense"? Hopefully Superman accepts her help and gets his deus ex machina up and running instead of arguing with Wonder Woman about why she left Lois and Jon unsafe miles over the Earth where nobody can harm them.

Superman's ultimate plan--which he eventually pulls off--is to send Doomsday to The Phantom Zone. Damn! It's been so many issues of Superman punching things in the face to quell them that I forgot that his favorite Plan A was to send shit to The Phantom Zone. Can't solve a problem? Send it to The Phantom Zone! I wonder how many loads of dirty dishes and piles of dirty laundry are scattered about The Phantom Zone? I think I if I had a Phantom Zone Gateway Generator, I would probably jerk off into it a lot. I wonder how angry Zod would be after escaping The Bukkake Zone? At least his skin would probably look nice.

Oh damn. You better nip this shit in the bud as soon as possible, Lois.

Back in Metropolis, Lex Luthor is busy saving children. It's a total waste of time because Jimmy Olsen isn't around to snap any photos. But Clark Kent is there with his sleeves ripped off looking super muscular. Ugh. If this Clark Kent isn't actually Superman than I don't accept his massive pecs and rock hard abs and rippling biceps and throbbing cock. Oh wait. That's my throbbing cock.

Superman and Lex leave Clark Hunk to go speak in private on the top of the Daily Planet Building. They decide to call some kind of truce where neither of them really trust the other and both of them are going to dig into each other's backgrounds until they feel a tentative peace with each other. So it's exactly like Batman's relationship with Superman.

The epilogue to the story shows Dr. Oz has captured Doomsday during his transmission to The Phantom Zone. Maybe he's starting a collection of all of DC's villains. Dr. Oz's Who's Who Zoo.

"By the passion and the flame...empty chairs and empty tables where..." HOLY FUCK DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO TREPAN?!

Action Comics #961

Since I called the Superwoman comic book "Superwomans", does that mean I should be calling this "Actions Comics"?

The Review!
This issue is terrible. I say that because Doomsday is boring as fuck and Superman is an idiot. He can't think of one way to deal with Doomsday that doesn't involve punching Doomsday in the face one thousand times until he dies? And the "he" in that previous sentence was a pronoun substitution for Superman. It might be time for DC Comics to kill Doomsday once and for all. Doomsday must be the character approximation of DC Comics getting its prostate massaged. What I mean is that I think they're the only ones getting any pleasure out of this character. Apparently a writer who doesn't have any better ideas can just look at their editor and ask, "Doomsday?" Then after everybody comes in their pants and smokes a cigarette, the editor is all, "Yeah, yeah. Definitely!" Meanwhile DC's audience just yawns as they watch the finger get shoved way in and wriggle around a bit. Watching prostate stimulation doesn't really make for good porn. Doomsday is a really weird choice as their go-to monster when they need an unstoppable force which is too bad because Doomsday has no personality at all. Have they ever tried Gray Hulking Doomsday? Maybe give him a neckbeard and a Fedora and have him act like the smartest guy in the room? I think DC should try that next time! Or, you know, my first suggestion. Just fucking kill him.

The Commentary!
I wonder if Clark and Lois are sorry for having a child yet. They're almost certainly sorry for coming out of hiding because since then, Jon has been targeted by both Eradicator and Doomsday. Also he killed their cat and got their dog killed. He's a little troublemaker.

You might remember that this comic book has been all about battling Doomsday again. Look, DC Comics. I get it. Doomsday killed Superman once so you think he deserves some kind of trophy in the Super Villain Hall of Fame. But he's just not interesting. He beats stuff until it breaks. That's it. I don't care that he has a bio-babble evolutionary background that Dan Jurgens thinks is the smartest origin ever written. It's terrible! Nothing about Doomsday is cool except maybe the way he looks. Except for those green shorts. Does he have to keep the shorts? He'd be cooler swinging around a big pronged dick, don'tcha think? I could understand why you'd want to keep bringing him back if he was missing the shorts but it boggle my mind that he's your go-to character for a big, tense action story. Here's an idea: create some new characters! I guarantee at least half of them will be better than Doomsday.

Currently Doomsday is trying to beat Superman's son until he breaks. But Superman and Wonder Woman will die before that happens. Which, according to how powerful Doomsday supposedly is, should be the statement I make at the end of this fight. Superman and Wonder Woman died before Superman's son was beaten until he broke. If that happened, I'd be impressed! Or at least astounded! Because one thing everybody knows while reading this is that Doomsday is not going to kill Superman again. The audience understands how comic books work and so know that it won't happen on that level alone. But remember when Superman died last time? It was a huge news story! Everybody knew Superman was going to die and in what issue. So if that were going to happen again, we'd already know about it.

Although Damian's death somehow took a lot of people by surprise, didn't it? Oh no! Maybe Superman is going to die!

If Superman thinks the way to defeat Doomsday is the way he tried last time, Superman is in trouble.

Superman continues to not use his brains to defeat Doomsday. He even decides using his brains less and less as the fight goes on is the best course of action. So while he's getting his ass kicked even with Wonder Woman's help, Superman sends Wonder Woman away with his family. He also says there's no time to get the Justice League involved. I'm fairly certain The Flash can be there in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Oh! That should be August Heart's name: Two Shakes of a Lamb's Tail. Although I guess he already went with Godspeed.

Meanwhile, Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) is scheming some scheme about opening a gate. It's either part of his plot against the DC Universe or he's having trouble with his dog getting out of his yard.

Superman finally decides it's time to make a plan!

Weird. He's saying he's doing things different but this still looks a whole lot like punching.

Superman is the worst at plans and realizes he's going to be killed yet again. But then Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias)'s army of Big O's come flying in to save the day! They have weapons that easily control Doomsday (or maybe not so easily but, I mean, they're in one panel and they've pretty much got things under control) and begin shoving him toward some gate. I guess Superman failed the test, whatever it was.

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #5

Kids are the worst. No wait. Parents are the worst and kids just a symptom of their worsitude.

The Review or Whatever!
Poison Ivy's plant daughters have a night on the town in a story that somehow wasn't called "Paint the Town Green"! Or the strip club anyway because the three Poison Ivy Sporelings manage to sneak out of the house to explore Gotham and wind up in a strip club. Everything you want in a female lead comic book is right here in the pages of this comic book! Hot ladies throwing their arms in the air while dancing to music! Adorable ladies screaming things are awesome because they're full of passionate intensity! A man touching a woman without her permission and getting hurt. A riot at a strip club. Police getting bested by six month old girls. And a harsh mother figure demanding that girls lock themselves up in a tower for their own safety! The only thing missing was the kissing!

I think what this issue was actually about was the anxiety of being a parent. The anxiety wasn't quite as anxious as the anxiety in Eraserhead but then that's not a fair comparison. I never wanted kids and Eraserhead made me feel super anxious for something I knew I was never going to have to deal with! Luckily for Poison Ivy, her children were not vomiting potatoes. Unluckily for Ivy, her children have grown into adults in just six months. Somehow they've matured and learned just as much as an eighteen year old would know as well. I guess they binge watched a lot of Netflix in those six months.

By the end of the issue, the girls are back in their locked tower and Ivy is being attacked by an evil scientist who has also been touched by The Green. Isn't that how it always is?! You can't just have one scientist accidentally turned into a walking plant god! You've always got to have another, more jerkier version transformed alongside you. Typical. So this guy Doctor Grimley is Poison Ivy's Floronic Man. Unless it's different somehow. He wants Ivy's daughters (or just the one he made, Thorn) and he plans on having them! I don't think he's going to be successful although I hope Ivy and her daughters get a moment to hug before the girls all die of old age while saving the world at the same time next issue.

Lois and Clark #7

This reminds me of a skin tag story I've yet to tell but probably won't have time to get to in this commentary. So forget I even mentioned it.

The Review!
Are we still pretending that I actually give a damn about reviewing these comic books?! I'm just an old person trying to remember the plot of fifty or more comic books every month and this is how I do it! But some people think review sites should actually review comic books so I keep up the fucking pretense! Here I go. This comic book is about Superman and Lois Lane and their son, Stupidfuck. It is probably not worth spending any amount of your finite life reading but then what actually is? If you like comic books with Superman written by a robot built in 1986 that hasn't been updated since, you may feel this is adequate distraction from your helter-skelter, headlong sprint toward the grave. I do know that I won't regret having read it if I'm given any time to have regrets because I'm languishing with some mortal illness. But that's just because I also read Ann Nocenti's Katana. That will be the thing I'll be regretting on my day of death. That and probably not dropping more LSD.

The Commentary!
My battle with the Weird Science Comics Blog is really heating up now! One of them has come at me really aggressively with all of this "Let's Play Nice" bullshit that I'm totally seeing right through! He saw that my plan was to forget about them and then he followed me on Twitter and commented on some of my Tumblr posts just to remind me that he exists and to pretend that he's a nice guy! And yet he purposefully and consciously foiled my plan of forgetting about them! What an evil genius mastermind of evil! Now I must forget about my plan to forget about them and work to destroy them forever! But first I'm going to read Lois and Clark #7!

Although do I really have time to read comics now that I must work to wipe pure evil off of the face of the Earth? Oh, of course I do! Even the mightiest of paladins must take the occasional break from their righteous quests! And who's a more mighty paladin than me?! So I'll take some really mighty breaks! After I read Lois and Clark #7, I'll probably play some Call of Duty!

Why must parents always lie to their children?

Two of the stupidest things DC has tried to convince their readers are unanswerable questions are who's fastest between Flash and Superman and who would win in a fight between Batman and Superman. We all know that Flash is faster no matter how DC wants to present Superman as the most powerful person ever and in every way imaginable. And we all know that Batman could never actually match Superman. Sure, Batman might reduce his heart rate and respiration and fall to the ground as if dead and Superman will be all "No! I didn't mean to kill you!" as he rushes to Batman's side where Batman proceeds to shove a Kryptonite shiv into Superman's liver. But if it were a life and death battle for Lois Lane's life, Superman might just have to fry Bruce with his heat vision from orbit. Better not to take any chances. And now that I think about it, I suppose if Superman were allowed to run the race against Flash in the same way Dick Dastardly was always allowed to run in the Wacky Races, he could probably beat The Flash. Right before the starter gun goes off, Superman can use his FWASH power to incinerate The Flash. Sure, Superman would lose his powers for 24 hours but at that point, he could just walk to the finish line. Although if The Flash is paying attention, he can outrun the FWASH explosion (by running backwards so he doesn't get a false start and get disqualified) and then run back to beat Superman easily. So I think The Flash would win no matter what. Or he could just time travel after losing, put some Kryptonite Marshmallows in Superman's breakfast before the race, and then beat Superman because Superman is dead.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it depends on the writer and the editor telling the story but if Superman beat Flash or Batman beat Superman, readers that day would set the world record for most people doing the Hand Jive at the same time. Although technically they'd just be making jerking off motions but nobody would have to tell Guinness that.

Jon agrees with me that Flash should be faster but for stupid kid reasons like things being fair and shit. What a little jerk! I hope he's forced to go on a play date with New 52 Danny Chase.

So, Jon discovered he has super powers last issue because he's got to be ready for joining the Teen Titans in Rebirth. He should fit in great because I already hate the little noseminer. Just to be clear, I don't hate him for any actual reason. It's pure bias on my part.

Meanwhile, Superman finally deals with the reality television drama that was only in the plot to delay him so that Jon could show off his powers and he's off to help save his family.

Welp, the Superman is out of the bag.

While Clark and Lois explain where they're from to their son, Clark mentions that their old universe is gone. Well, that can't be right! I thought they went back in time with Parallax and Flash and they stopped the Crisis on Infinite Earths from happening. I figured they chose to live in the New 52 universe because Golden Age Superman, after surviving Crisis thanks to the current retcon, decided to take up living on silver age Superman's Earth. Oh, who can tell! Hopefully Rebirth #1 is just a long note telling the fans that all of the stories ever told by DC are true and if any of them contradict any others then it's the fault of the reader's inability to see how they don't actually contradict.

The issue ends with Hyathis searching for half of the Oblivion Stone which is in Superman's Prison of Semi-Solitude. I guess that fight should end this series and then it's on to Rebirth where bearded, experienced, acts-like-Superman Superman will take over for fresh corpse Superman?

Poison Ivy #3

Poison Ivy is about to breastfeed this man.

Rating: Worth reading if you're a Poison Ivy fan. I think. I mean, obviously Poison Ivy fans are going to pick this book up. And if they love Pam, they'll mostly ignore the plot. I'd say the next issue should be fun because Poison Ivy will be working with Catwoman. But in an earlier issue, Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn hung out and it was a total cock-up. They wound up yelling at each other and deciding to take a break from their relationship. I don't think that's something Poison Ivy fans would find worth reading! It was probably infuriating! I know I hated it when DC decided to make Power Girl and The Huntress enemies in one of those horrible Earth-2 books. And what about that movie at the theaters right now? Where Batman and Superman are battling! Why are so many characters in the DC You not allowed to have a friend?!

• Poison Ivy has recently hatched a few babies from a plant. I would love to say I didn't think there was a market for this but I grew up during the Cabbage Patch Kids craze. I know this market is insatiable.

• Some other stuff was going on but I can't remember what it was because I haven't been finding this story very interesting and I haven't been keeping careful notes on the comic books I've been reading the last couple of months.

• How do you take care of a plant baby? Splash a little water on it and leave it out in the sun?

• Poison Ivy is proud of her hybrid babies instead of disgusted. I find that an odd reaction because I'm disgusted by all babies.

• The babies might not be where Poison Ivy rakes in the cash. She also developed some Plant Nannies to take care of the babies. Now those would probably sell out in minutes! Just shove your baby in a flower and leave it for the day? Who wouldn't want one?

• Poison Ivy murders the guy who's been sexually harassing her at work. Apparently you can't have a female lead in a DC Comic without having her kill or beat the shit out of some sexist pig. Pretty soon there won't be any guys left in the DC You!

• Ivy needs to get into a secret lab at her work because somebody stole her research plans. Somebody is always stealing her research! She should stop working for the man and just start her own business. Catwoman can fund her.

• Speaking of Catwoman, she arrives to help Ivy break into the lab. Too bad she pissed off Harley in a previous issue. The whole gang could have been back together.

Titans Hunt #6

I still hate the title of this comic book.

Rating: The comic remains at 29 of 51 DC Comics. You know who would really enjoy this comic book? Fifty year old or older fans of the Teen Titans! I'm forty-four and I barely know anything about the history they're referencing. But then, I'm also not really a fan of the Teen Titans. I thought I was but then I reread my old Marv Wolfman comics and ugh. I am not a fan at all! Although I still like Joseph Wilson. Probably because he isn't constantly saying stupid shit like the rest of the group. Marv Wolfman figured out the only way he can write a likeable character! Make him a mute!

• I think this comic book is about the Titans gathering together at their old clubhouse and taking peyote.

• You know what? That would be a better comic book than this!

• Not that this is a terrible comic book. It's just unnecessary! I mean, it's totally necessary! But it shouldn't ever have had to have been necessary! If DC hadn't allowed Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco and Howard Mackie and Will Pfeifer to screw up the Titans so horribly, they never would have needed this mystic story of the Titans remembering how there was a universe where they didn't completely suck.

• I'm making a pretty huge assumption about a universe where the Titans never completely sucked. Because I'm rereading Wolfman's eighties revival of them and--hoo boy!--do they stink it up! And they've only gotten worse since the issues hit the 1990s! The editors actually think by taking Jericho's sideburns, they're bringing him into the nineties! He just looks like a right turd without them!

• I just realized that the cover looks like Arsenal and Gronk (or whatever the fuck his caveman name is. I don't care if I'm being insensitive to Caveman Culture!) have actually just taken peyote! I didn't realize that when I claimed that that was what this book was about.

• I recently finished watching the second season of Young Justice and my biggest complaint is that they concentrate on the legacy characters too much.

• That last bullet point is a stupid joke and not evidence of my stupidity. Dum-dum.

• Mal sings a song and the rest of the Titans are all, "Hey! I know that tune! It's awful!"

• Donna Troy doesn't seem to remember that she's supposed to have taken the place of The Fates. I think.

• How is Donna Troy going to remember something that happened five years before she was created from clay? I think it's time for one of DC's traditional Who is Donna Troy/Wonder Girl?! stories!

• A guy with a stupid mustache tells Bumblebee all about the demonic Mister Twister and how the Titans sacrificed their memories and their friendships to stop him five years ago.

• DC should just make Kid Flash time travel to change continuity into something they can live with.

• The guy with the stupid mustache works for some organization called Diablo and he decides they need to kill the Titans to keep Mister Twister from entering their reality.

• Diablo is Team Rocket?

Telos #3

Here's a simple trick for gauging the quality of a comic book: the more creators credited on the cover, the worse the issue is going to be.

I haven't watched it yet but before heading to work last night, I noticed one of the weird non-cable television channels that only shows old movies and commercials about drugs or lawsuits pertaining to drugs was showing Motel Hell so I set the Channelmaster to record it. I probably haven't seen that movie in thirty-five years. And yes that means that I probably saw the movie when I was eight or nine. My mom didn't want me seeing boobies in movies but she didn't mind if people got hacked up and made into jerky. It's probably why I'm so well adjusted. If this movie isn't as exciting as a man wearing a pig's head over his face and hacking up motel guests, I'm going to abandon it and go watch my movie!

Telos had recently made some friends in prison on Colu. They're helping him to overthrow the tyrant Computo and his lapdog Validus because Brainiac wants his planet back. Unless there were other reasons for the conflict. It's hard to keep fifty-two or more different plots straight from month to month, especially for titles I'm not interested in. This is one of those, in case you are bad at reading comprehension.

Validus attacked at the end of the last issue so this one picks up during that battle. Telos also telosgraphs that somebody will die before the issue is over. He actually says "before the day is over" and the day might last more than this issue but I hope not because I'll feel like I was scammed. Here are the characters we have to choose from who might die:

Captain Comet: No way. Even though he's not the most important character in the DC Universe, he's a favorite among really nerdy readers. And you don't piss off the severely nerded.
Captain K'rot: Technically he's not the real Captain Carrot because DC Comics doesn't want to pay any bonus money to Scott Shaw and Roy Thomas but he won't be killed off anyway. Because then they'd have to bring Captain Carrot back from Multiversity world, a place where apparently DC will pay any royalties they must so they can watch Morrison jerk off on nostalgia.
Stealth: Stealth is a possibility because she has such a simple name and an easy power to replicate. Plus she's new as of Threshold. I think. It's so hard to tell which characters have been brought back from Limbo and which ones are freshly minted buttercups.
Techne: It could possibly be Techne because she's just a female version of Brainiac-5. But that's also an argument for keeping her.
Telos: Oh man I hope it's Telos! Then I never have to buy another issue of this idiotic idea of a comic.

After laying out my arguments (were those arguments? Whatever), I've decided it will be Captain Comet. His death will be the easiest to explain away when he reappears later in the story. It'll be some latent power that all super-evolved humans have or something.

Oh wait. Is that a cop out? I think that's a cop out!

Validus isn't dead so now I'm not so sure anybody will actually die. Telos may have just been acting dramatic.

Telos opens a portal and sends Validus into space which, as I read about it happening, causes me to think, "Why didn't he just do that first? And why are they taking the short way to the Super Secret Data Center if Telos can open portals in space? And when will Captain K'rot begin making jokes about being an alcoholic?"

Meanwhile Computo is pissed off that things aren't going his way. Poor dolt should have gone to the Harvest School of Super Villainy! There he would have learned to act as if every thing that ever happened was all part of your plan. Now instead of looking like an undefeatable bad-ass, he just looks like a sorry asshole that has to ask Brainiac for help. Which was part of the plan since the beginning so maybe he did take some classes at Harvest U. He just needs to tone down his temper.

Telos and Friends decide to go destroy some Psions before completing Braniac's plan. I mean Telos's plan. I mean Computo's plan. You know what? I think it's time I admit I don't know what's happening anymore. I know Telos wants to find his family and Techne wants to free Colu and the others probably just want to escape. So that probably means that even though Brainiac manipulated Telos into doing work for him (and maybe Computo?), it doesn't really matter anymore because everybody has their own agendas now.

First agenda: destroy the Psions!

Or startle them into setting the self-destruct sequence and destroying themselves.

This isn't as exciting as cannibalism but I'm almost done with it so I guess I should finish.

Techne injected a virus into Computo (I think?) and now his control over Colu is breaking down (I think?) so the gang must destroy Computo's back-up and Computo's body to save the world (I think?). Unless destroying him just hastens the demise of Colu? I don't know. Whatever's happening, Telos ends this issue facing off against Computo and Brainiac while the rest of the gang get stuck in the same cliffhanger as last issue:

Validus attacks! Again! I think!

Telos #3 Rating: -2 Ranking. Three issues in and I don't see the point of this comic book. Since I don't believe that our lives or the universe has any inherent meaning behind it, I like my art that was actually created on purpose by sentient beings to have some kind of meaning. It's a small pet peeve of mine. I'll accept that life has no greater meaning than to perpetuate itself. I mean, that's already pretty weird in the first place, right? But think about it. The reason life which accidentally was created by complete accident continues to exist is because it was accidentally created with the need to keep existing. If life had been created without that need or drive (and it probably has been created that way billions of times!), it would cease to exist after living its lonely life. Therefore life which continues to exit continues to exist because it needed to be able to continue to exist to continue to exist. It's simple philosophy! Unless it's math. Or science? Um, whatever! Unlike this comic book, I had a point! Oh yeah! I accept that in the greater scheme of things, life is meaningless. But we are sentient beings who desire meaning! Thus we project whatever meaning we think appropriate onto our lives or our existence or the reason sharks have dead eyes. I want to read stories that encourage the illusion of meaning! Why do I want to read something that's a perfect reflection of reality?! Don't give me a story that doesn't matter and has no meaning and then call it Telos! That's just fucking depressing, man!

Titans Hunt #2

Let him go! Bismillah! We will not let him go! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh mamma mia, mamma mia! Mamma mia let me go!

Last night I found the Christmas music channel while driving around for work because I enjoy Christmas music for a limited amount of time. The radio station seems to have a better rotation than most radio stations because even though songs are often repeated, at least they're different versions of the songs. A version of "Here Comes Santa Claus" played last night and the ending really disturbed me: "Hang your stockings and say your prayers cause Santa Clause comes tonight!" Why am I saying my prayers? What the fuck is that old bastard about to do to me?! Is that why I drop into a fetal position whenever I hear sleigh bells?! They also played the Peanuts version of "O Tannenbaum" which might represent perfectly the way I always feel around Christmas. I would go into greater detail but didn't you just see it represents the way I feel "perfectly" so adding more words to explain it would mean that I was lying and the song wasn't a perfect representation at all.

My favorite Christmas movies is About A Boy which I must remember to watch this year so I can continue to tell people that it's my favorite Christmas movie. Some people think it's a lousy pick for a Christmas movie because it doesn't bash you in the face with Santa Claus but it's just as Christmassy as It's a Wonderful Life and jerks choose that as their favorite Christmas movie constantly without getting any side-eye. If too cool for everything guys can pick Die Hard as their favorite Christmas movie then I can pick one where the main character gets to live a life of luxury because of a hit Christmas song. Also, I love the way it opens with the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire question asking "Who said that no man is an island?" Hugh Grant answers "Bon Jovi, of course." And he's right. Bon Jovi did say it in one of the songs I think of as one of my life's theme songs: "Santa Fe."

Anyway, Roy Harper is currently driving while guzzling whisky because he's an asshole. I'm fairly certain that with this depiction of him, I can stop wondering why I never liked him and begin wondering why anybody at all does. I have no sympathy for people driving drunk and even less for people defending their actions because alcoholism is a disease. First off, the reason we have such a problem with drunk driving in this country is because the penalty is always a slap on the wrist unless somebody is killed because of it. Nobody in power is willing to attach hard time to the crime because they all fucking do it themselves. Every person arrested for drunk driving should be slapped with an attempted murder charge as well. Second off, not having enough willpower to not engage in risky and self-harming behavior is not a disease. It's a character flaw. My father is a recovering alcoholic and I've been to plenty of AA Meetings over the years. Yeah, sure, it works (if you work it!). But I can't imagine it works for everybody because recovery through AA is an extroverted way of solving the problem. AA Meetings simply become the new bar where everybody hangs out and supports themselves. Alcoholics who make it to AA are generally needy people. I imagine introverted alcoholics have the decency to just rot away and die in a dark room without bothering anybody. I've never taken a poll but I would guess the majority of people recovering through Alcoholics Anonymous own dogs. Fucking "addictive behavior" is just saying "fuck it!" because you really don't give a shit about the consequences of something you love to do. Recovering from your "disease" is finally accepting responsibility for your actions and deciding to be a fucking adult about it.

We really tiptoe around a lot of shit in this country, don't we? Fuck this "I'd rather be nice than smart" movement used to passive-aggressively insult smart people. I'd rather be honest than nice! Although, seriously, nobody has to choose between "nice" and "everything else." Stop thinking nice trumps everything, you stupid assholes. Being nice is definitely something people should strive to be but not at the cost of lying about reality and letting all of the weak-willed monsters dictate the conversation by screaming that they engage in bad behavior because they're sick. Hey, I'm sick too! I'm sick of all of the idiots bemoaning their lots in life! Buck up, motherfuckers! Walk it off! I mean, "I'd rather be nice than selfish!"

Roy Harper sees somebody fly by the windshield of his truck and then reacts poorly. Maybe because he's been drinking and maybe simply because he's Roy Harper.

One minor slap on the wrist coming up!

I don't mean to say people can't bitch and moan and complain about their lives. What the fuck do I spend 95% of my time on the internet doing?! I'm just saying that the world has so many problems that I don't have time to sympathize with people creating their own problems for themselves. In that panel above, Roy fucking did all of that shit to himself and now he's endangering lives by being drunk with a bow and arrow which could spook the cops into murdering everything. He brought that problem on himself. If the above panel were just a black male with a bow simply on the seat next to him being pulled over by these cops, he'd probably be dead by now. That's a serious problem with the world that everybody can complain about all they want because other people need to change to fix it. You know, while they complain about other stuff that hardly matters as well, if they want. I don't think anybody needs to complain that nobody is complaining about the right stuff. Complain about whatever you want! Just don't expect everybody to care if the source of and the solution to the shit you're complaining about is you.

Richard Grayson is currently in the Batcave. He's also hunting for something. The hunting theme is going to be strong in this comic book! Because after Roy hunting for something and Dick hunting for Atlanteans, the next scene begins with Gnaark's omniscient narrator mentioning how he has to know when to go out and hunt. There's also not arguing with fate. But if you argue with fate, weren't you fated to argue with fate? If we're going to embrace the concept of fate then we have to assume that everything that happens was fated to happen. Thus nobody can deny fate because even the denying of fate was fated to fate. Therefore the concept of fate is useless and should never even be brought up.

This is the ninth time in eight pages (not counting the cover!) where the word "hunt" or a form of the word was used. And that's ignoring all the synonyms!

Back in the Batcave, Alfred has decided that the hunting theme can't be played out yet because this comic book still has ten and a half more issues to go. So he begins to tell Dick about how prehistoric hunters thought about hunting because that's something that cave paintings must be about. Alfred figures the knowledge can help Dick use the Batcomputer more efficiently.

Are anthropologists this good at their job that they can reach these kinds of conclusions about how preliterate cultures prepared for a hunt?

Roy Harper has decided that he doesn't want to be arrested by the police for drinking and driving. And since he's a superhero, he has the ability to beat the cops down and escape. I never thought I could dislike Roy Harper more than when he's written by Scott Lobdell but Dan Abnett has changed my mind. That's not a criticism of Dan Abnett! I don't think. I mean, I'd have to get inside of his head the way Alfred has gotten inside the head of prehistoric hunters to know what Abnett is trying to do. He just seems to be writing Roy Harper as a guy who makes mistakes with which I cannot sympathize. He's acting as horribly as Red Robin in Teen Titans when he decided to go on the run with Superboy simply because he believed Superboy didn't murder anybody so why let the actual law deal with it?

Thankfully, Roy Harper gets tazed. But now he's not only driven drunk, he's also assaulted cops and resisted arrest (really resisted arrest! Not that fake bullshit "resisted arrest" which cops use simply to arrest anybody they don't like the look of). So he's in big trouble! Unless that thing that flew past his windshield decides to beat up the cops to save him. And then Roy can be in big trouble and on the run!

There's a scene with Mal and Bumblebee which almost made me rant again but Malcolm cuts the rant off before it can even begin. See, he starts saying how "the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly" which I'm so fucking tired of hearing nice people talk about because they're too fucking lazy to actually understand anything scientific. But he cuts himself off immediately by saying that it's a myth and I breathe a sigh of relief and my heart wipes its brow and my blood pressure lies back in bed and my asshole unpuckers. Probably. I don't actually have any proof of any of that but especially of the butthole thing.

Dick Grayson heads to the beach to fish for Atlanteans. He gets a bite and winds up battling Garth on the beach. Luckily Donna Troy arrives to make things worse. Lucky for Dick! Because Garth was about to murder and eat him.

Titans Hunt #2 Rating: No change. It's not like I should have expected anything different from a Teen Titans comic book. It's always all about the team. It's all about their fucked up lives and incestual relationships within the group. It's always about their mistakes and how they fix their mistakes and how they completely ignore everything in the world that doesn't begin and end with one of them. It's always about their nemeses who want nothing more than to destroy the Titans and so the Titans are always just fighting for their lives and hardly ever fighting to make the world a better place. It's always simply about themselves. Just like every other fucking teenager that ever lived! Unlike Batman and Superman who are adults and they're always fighting enemies who are trying to get revenge on them for constantly putting them in jail and...well, those were bad examples of adults. Adults usually fight to make the world a better place for themselves. So that's...um...different? I think? Hmm. Can I start over before I have to apologize to teenagers?