Green Lanterns #7

Jessica looks like she's wearing a waistcoat and Simon looks like an idiot.

The Commentary!
• The issue begins with Jessica battling her anxiety. This is why Narration Boxes are so annoying. With them, I have to read about her struggle to just get the fuck in the other room and deal with Simon's family. I would rather not have to be inside of her head as she did that because I'm really inside of Sam Humphries' head and I don't think he understands what it's like to have anxiety at all! He needs the Narration Boxes so he can keep speaking directly to the reader, saying things like "See? See? She's struggling so hard with her anxiety! That's a thing she has and you can tell because I'm telling you about it! Constantly! See how she's having a tough time being around Simon's family? Oh, but you don't know it's Simon's family yet since you're a big fucking moron dope asshole! You probably think she's trying to work herself up to do some Green Lanterning, right? What a fucking idiot! Ha ha! Dope! I'm such a good writer I bet nobody at all guessed that her anxiety was keeping her from just an every day interaction! Surprise!" I hope that isn't what Sam was actually thinking because I haven't even turned the page yet and I just blatantly put all of my Grandmaster Comic Book Reader Cred on the guess that that's what's happening. You know why? Because I don't think this opening fooled fucking anybody. Maybe it wasn't supposed to! But it's certainly written like it's some big twist cold open!

• Yeah, it turns out Jessica was just getting up the courage to be around Simon's family. It didn't even have anything in particular to do with Rami the Rogue Guardian who is a fucking lunatic.

• Oh, also this story was called "Family Matters". That was probably a big clue too! But I completely forgot it was called that because when I was absorbing every detail on the cover to come up with a caption, I was mostly absorbing Jessica's camel toe.

• Jessica chickens out and teleports out of the house to get away from the family. What does she think she is? An Indigo Lantern?! You can't teleport, you dumb barn owl.

• I get it, Jessica. I can't stand to be around people I don't know either! And this situation is extra bad because you're spending time with a Muslim family. And you know what that means! No alcohol to take the fucking edge off! You, Jessica, are fucked.

• One of the main reasons I hate being around new people is that most of them ask all of the same questions about things I'm not interested in. I don't want to talk about my family. I don't want to talk about my stupid job. I don't want to talk about how good I am at the sexing. I just want to listen until somebody says something dumb, leaving me an opening to tear them the fuck apart.

• Simon promises Jess that she doesn't have to spend any time with his family if she helps him make dessert in the kitchen. She agrees because cookies. That makes her adorable, I guess. I fucking hate all of these "this character is so fucking adorable" shortcuts that get fangenders into a tizzy. Ugh. Fuck you.

Gross. Put a shirt on.

• Simon tastes the dough and finds it lacking, so now he takes off. Dude, you probably got some tit sweat in it. Nobody wants to eat your stank ass shirtless cookies.

• Oh my god! Somebody call the Guinness Book of World Records! It turns out Simon Baz doesn't have Daddy Issues at all! He's a Mommy Issues Boy!

• Jessica talks Simon back into the kitchen and convinces him to make the cookies in his Green Lantern costume. It might look stupid but at least he's got a shirt on.

• Simon hasn't told his mom that he's a Green Lantern yet. So he figures now's the time!

Fucking hell. You couldn't have left the gun off?!

• With Jessica's help, Simon manages to impress his mom with his cookies and his costume and, I guess, his gun. For some reason his mother puts up with his nonsense instead of rushing straight through the house to find her grandson. What kind of grandmother is she?! The worst, that's what kind!

• Her grandson is busy stacking things on Rami the Rogue Lantern. I guess the family doesn't have a cat.

• Rami wakes up and screams that the Dominators are coming before rushing off. I don't know where he's going. Wouldn't his precious Phantom Ring be safer with two Green Lanterns guarding it? Also, if anybody can use the Phantom Ring, why doesn't he use it to protect it? It must have some serious side effects that he isn't willing to deal with. Better to just find some sucker to test out the ring for him.

• The Dominators are those yellow aliens with lots of teeth and big red spots on their heads. I think they're supposed to be super scary.

The Ranking!
+1! I'm giving it a plus one because it's gotten much better now that Simon and Jess are friends. Plus, Sam really isn't relying on Narration Boxes like he did when they had to think opposite thoughts so the reader understood how different they were.

Green Lanterns #2

Bleez always looks like she forgot to put on the skirt before leaving the house.

The Review!
It's the buddy cop Green Lantern mash-up you've all been waiting for! One is a street wise misogynistic rookie! The other is an agoraphobic Islamaphobe who's an even rookier rookie! Together, they're Green Lanterns! Green both because they're rookies and because they're in that Corps whose power is based on willpower! The characters might not actually be as misogynistic and Islamaphobic as I'm pretending they are. Since the basic concept of the comic book revolves around neither one liking the other too much and how they're constantly criticizing the other in their inner monologues, I feel it's more exciting to spice up the mistrust they feel for each other. Plus neither one of them is a white guy, so I think if I write conversations where they criticize each other in ignorant ways, it's punching parallel! Which is okay, right? Or is it still wrong because I'm writing it? What if I scream that it's parody and satire and other stuff that used to be okay but now gets people angry for different reasons!? I think I get a free pass about knowing right from wrong because according to all the Youthsplanations I receive every day, I'm always wrong about everything (except my mistrust of the cops! That just keeps getting proven time and time again! Although I don't want to turn a daily tragedy into about me being right yet again! At least I do but I want to acknowledge that I didn't mean to do that but still do it anyway!) I'm even going to be told I'm wrong by an old white guy when I read Green Arrow next!

The Commentary!
This issue begins on the planet Ysmault which is identified as the "home of the Red Lanterns" instead of explaining which sector it is located. It's Sector 2814, by the way. Don't believe the incorrect information being passed around by Issue #1! I'm not sure why the comic begins on Ysmault since Red Lanterns was cancelled. And I'm fairly confident that "Green" is not a synonym for "Red" so I'm confused. I guess DC Comics just doesn't know how to let the Red Lanterns go. What makes them so special? The Indigo Lanterns have pretty much vanished and all but one of the Blue Lanterns have been killed by bugs and/or Twat Lobo. The only Orange Lantern has been relegated to jokey comic books and the Star Sapphires are pretending to have Tupper Ware parties but they're really having sex with hot space guys behind the Guardians' backs.

I'd hate to sit on a subway next to Atrocitus.

Back in Pima County, Arizona, Sector 2814, Atrocitus's Hell Tower begins erupting. Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz aren't around to help because they weren't Green Lantern enough for ARGUS. ARGUS must have forgotten their Secret Police Tape to close off the crime scene because dozens of citizens are standing around the Hell Tower when it erupts. Now dozens of citizens, along with the ARGUS agents, are really mad for no reason at all! Unless the Hell Tower is the reason. And maybe their dead family members.

Up in Portland, Oregon, a lot of douches are thinking they're cool, especially the one that lives in the apartment beneath me. I wonder how many people reading this are from Portland, living beneath somebody else, and are now wondering if that's Tess up there? Also happening in a Lexmart in Portland, Jessica Cruz is introducing herself to the readers and having a nice little About Me chat with them. It doesn't make any sense. Does she know she's in a comic book and that I just turned the page to see her for the first time this month? I would think she would be too concerned with all of the angry shoppers that were attacking her for no reason at all. Really no reason this time! She's not in the Hell Tower or Dead Family Members Aisle.

Jessica's sister has become the Angriest Shopper in the World and Jess doesn't know how to help her. Oh yeah, Jessica also mentions her anxiety so that readers suffering from anxiety can be all, "Cool! Representation! Except for that part about how she totally hasn't been crippled by her anxiety at all in her Justice League adventures! Probably because Volthoom was controlling her! Also, what did she mean by her sister made her leave her apartment even though she was crippled by anxiety? Fuck saving that cunt! How dare she!?" It's about at the time I thought "Should I include the word 'cunt' in my imaginary reader's thoughts?" when Simon Baz comes crashing through the wall of a store in a Light Construct Humvee to save the day!

When Jess sees Si, she thinks, "Look at how violently he just entered the store? Religion of peace, my big brown ass!" And Simon Baz is thinking:

"Religion of pieces, more like! SMASH! BANG! BOOM!"

Apparently Sam Humphries thematic element tying this series together is explained in this moment as Simon arrives. I said "apparently" when I probably should have said "undoubtedly and without question" because Jess thinks, "I might be all anxiety, but he's all impulse. Somewhere in the middle is where a Green Lantern should be." So that's why they were forced to share a Lantern! Because they're representative of two halves of one mind. So it's like The X-Files but less subtle or interesting!

Not that I'm totally disinterested in this comic book but it is doing a few things I could do without. How about more funny light constructs and less interior monologues about the differences between Si and Jess? Or maybe more interior dialogues between the two but make them more hate-filled and racist! I don't mean because I enjoy those things! I just mean because I would think it was funny if they were both ignorant assholes who eventually learn to not be ignorant because of interacting with each other and space travel! They'll still be assholes though.

Who the fuck is Simon talking to? I hate these kinds of fucking Narration Boxes! HE SHOULD NOT BE AWARE OF ME WATCHING HIM!

Jessica has been having trouble making light constructs because of her anxiety or something. She's so full of self-doubt that she can't even make a butterfly net to catch her sister. A butterfly net is like Green Lanterning 101! It's like the elephant lamp that you pull the trunk and the light comes on of Green Lantern Shop Class! But she's too scared of hurting her sister so impulsive Simon Baz has to swing into action and help out. He puts Sara Cruz in suspended animation that should keep her safe while he and Jess fly into space to fight Red Lanterns. On his way out of the Lexmart, he steals a stuffed animal and crashes through the roof. I want to complain about how irresponsible he is for a peacemaker in a position of authority but how can I when he's at least not killing the people he's supposed to protect. I just can't get angry at a space cop stealing a teddy bear when actual cops are stealing lives.

Simon and Jessica realize the Red Lanterns are invading Earth with their hate. They don't have time to stop them this issue even though Aquaman took care of his first problem in only two issues. Although Black Manta was freed before getting to prison, so once he's done feeling like he wasted his life trying to kill Aquaman, he'll get right back up on that Aquaman killing hobbyhorse, I'm sure. Hopefully next issue begins with Simon and Jessica charging their rings so that they don't wind up in the usual shitty Green Lantern cliffhanger where the ring is running out of power. Although Simon still has the gun strapped to his thigh, so he can at least find out if bullets can kill Atrocitus. I bet they work against the cat!

Red Lanterns #37

Three issues of Godhead and a Tie-In in my immediate comic book reading future. *sob*

Time for Guy Gardner and Simon Baz to save the universe! Don't let that smarmy Hal Jordan manage it! Or that arrogant Sinestro! Or that weak-willed weaselly Kyle Rayner!

Here is a short list of things that have not been touched on since Godhead began but probably should have caused waves somewhere:

1. Larfleeze lost his stuff.
2. Mogo lost the protection of his Lantern Ring and is now adrift in space, far from any warming sun because the Lanterns don't even care enough to share one of their rings with him.
3. What does Darkseid think about Highfather gearing up for war? Is he just too busy razing Earths, collecting Supermen, and fending off Bat-invasions?
4. Guy ditched Ice in Dubai to go beat shit up.

That last one is probably the most important. Although it's possible Ice left on her own when she realized Guy was more interested in the dictator across the sea than in her bikini.

Now on New Genesis, it's about time Malhedron made up with Guy and Simon so they can put an end to Highfather's bullshit.

Right on time. Well, actually a little late since Guy and Simon had to mostly break out of the Miracle Prison all by themselves.

Guy and Simon learn from Malhedron where the stolen rings are being kept. Guy's interest is mostly in the Blue Ring. Probably because it boosts the Green Lantern's power. At normal power, they've had no luck defeating any of the New Gods. But with a Blue Ring backing them, they might have a chance. And Guy will probably be the person that will have to wear the Blue Ring because Saint Walker is being a big baby, pouting about the death of all of his friends and worried about the Spectrum Light destroying the universe.

After Malhedron leads Guy and Simon to the rings, he skins out for the territories. Simon Baz goes full frontal assault on Hyalt because he doesn't want Guy Gardner trying to sacrifice his life in this fight. So Guy heads on in and discovers the rings. He slips on an extra Red Ring and throws the fabled Double Red Punch of Death on Hyalt's robot sentry.

Guy should have put all the rings on! If Kyle can handle it, he can too! And then he'd be unstoppable!

I guess two Red Rings increases a person's vomit levels.

The Star Sapphire Ring flies off on its own to create a new Lantern. Maybe it's John's Violet Ring and it wants him back. After Simon gives Guy a pep talk about how awesome Guy Gardner is, Guy decides that maybe the world wouldn't be better off without him. It's no It's A Wonderful Life. Unless it is? I've never seen it so maybe this is exactly like that movie? Was Jimmy Stewart taught the lesson that his life meant something by a Muslim?

Finally the Bohemian Guardians meet up with Kyle, Stewart, Ferris, and Walker who weren't killed by Highfather like every reader reading New Guardians #37 thought had actually happened. They were just teleported out of Highfather's range of smell. The Bohemian Guardians let them know that they have a plan to end this war but they can't tell them about it until Sinestro #8. So I guess that's next!

Red Lanterns #37 Rating: No change. Ugh! Get Guy out of this Godhead bullshit before his time is up! Not many issues left of Red Lanterns now. And then where will Guy wind up? Since New Guardians and Green Lantern Corps are also ending, I bet a new series begins where the Lanterns create some kind of universal crew that responds to emergencies. It will be composed of Lanterns of all different Spectrums because every emergency in space will need a different response team. Or maybe DC has decided it's time to calm down with all of this Lantern shit. Everybody is burnt out on cosmic crises!

Red Lanterns #36

Guy Gardner should be the next DC character to get a television show.

This would be my pitch for a Guy Gardner television show. Each episode would be two interweaving stories of equal length. One would be about Guy Gardner as a preteen kid growing up in Boston living with his drunk cop father that loves him less than the other kids. The theme of that story will tie in to the theme of the story of Guy Gardner as an adult as he deals with becoming a Green Lantern. The adult Guy Gardner will come off as a complete dick so that if you only had access to the adult part of the story, you couldn't find any reason to like him at all. But the childhood story would reveal why he's acting so angry or cocky or bitter in the face of the current episodic problem he's dealing with as an adult. I think it would be a tough show to write because I'd really want Guy as an adult to be completely unlikable on his own yet his younger self would be irresistibly charming and innocent as he tries to navigate his harsh world. The audience couldn't help but root for his younger self which would, unless they're total monsters, lead them to eventually feel sympathy towards, and maybe even learn to understand and actually like, adult Guy Gardner. And I don't mean some trite shit like showing Guy abused and then we have to realize Guy is abusive because of his childhood trauma. I mean shit like young Guy sees his father constantly take it in the ass (figuratively) by some officious jerks in the department driving his father to drink too much and run over the family dog. So then adult Guy meets up with an officious, bureaucratic alien race which drives him to drink every time he has to deal with them and then purposefully running speeding through one of the alien races dog parks and squashing a bunch of their furry friends. See? You'd hate that Guy! But maybe you'd understand him a little bit through the childhood story!

Guy Gardner has always been one of those characters I've always felt particularly close to. I love that he's got the heart of a true hero and realizes that the bottom line when saving the day isn't that you're well liked. He's got a lot of rough edges that keep people from being close to him and, tragically or not, he seems to be most comfortable within those rough edges. Why else would he be growing out that mustache?

I've been unconsciously wanting a buddy comic with these two guys. Probably! It was unconscious so I can't be totally sure of it.

Simon Baz, peacemaker, and Guy Gardner, Bar Room Brawl Starter, have a short discussion about what to do next. Guy feels like he should die battling gods and Simon Baz thinks Guy should not die battling people that just think they're gods but cannot compare to Allah, true light of mercy and redemption. They'll probably compromise and either not die battling gods, or die battling people that think they're gods.

Over on New Genesis, Malhedron brings up a good point about the cosmic cold war between New Genesis and Apokolips.

Somebody get Highfather a copy of Wargames pronto!

Simon and Guy (they should open a business together. "Simon and Guy's Bagels." Or, um, something) visit Cyborg because Cyborg has the technology to transport them to New Genesis. But Cyborg, being young, is still holding a grudge against Simon Baz for trying to save the world by beating up the Justice League when Superman and Wonder Woman were first starting to get freaky. But he doesn't even know Guy!

How can you not like Guy's response to this?! I hate people that hate Guy Gardner! Hate is a strong word but I think it's called for in this instance.

Hal is a douche, Vic. Don't trust that idiot! Trust Simon and Guy! They're the lanterns you're going to have to deal with on a semi-regular basis from now on. Anyway, when was the last time Hal was around to help the Justice League? That asshole completely abandoned you guys!

Victor wants no part in sending Simon and Guy to New Genesis via his BOOM Tube technology. I think maybe they need to make a call to Alfred Pennyworth! Is this issue going to end with Victor waking up on the floor woozy from the cyber-drugs and thinking, "Not again!"

Simon Baz threatens to shut down STAR Labs and put Vic's dad out on the street. And instead of Vic saying, "Good! Fuck that asshole!" he says, "*grumble mumble rumble* Fine."

Simon and Guy (I can't not type that without picturing them flying down the streets of San Francisco in a gold Chevy Nova) don't trust the Justice League to take care of the Earth while they're gone, so they bring in some outside Lantern help.

Someday, B'dg is going to snap, gather up all the Green Lanterns in his cheeks, and look cute as all hell!

Simon and Guy request that Cyborg BOOM Tube them somewhere out of the way on New Genesis. I think that's the kind of request you make to people that you haven't just threatened. So I don't think it's a mistake or a miscalculation or an accident on Victor's part that he BOOM Tubes Simon and Guy directly on top of Malhedron and Dia. The fact that Mal and Dia were currently naked and about to BOOM Tube their own selves is just a happy coincidence.

The good thing, which Simon and Guy don't realize at the time, is that Malhedron, originally from Apokolips, is beginning to question Highfather's need to defeat Darkseid at the cost of everything else in the universe. I still think a copy of Wargames would help him understand what he's doing is wrong.

In the moment (because Malhedron needs time to recognize allies!), Mal and Dia try to kill Simon and Guy. But Highfather stops them. I guess Highfather likes to watch Mal and Dia fuck so he was alerted to the Lantern invasion as soon as it happened. He orders Mal to put Simon and Guy in a Miracle Prison where they shall be interrogated by Malhedron. That's when he'll realize these guys are his allies!

Red Lanterns #36 Rating: This is one of my favorite comics but it only became so after Charles Soule began writing it. Or after Guy Gardner joined. It's hard to separate the two, really! This comic book had such a hard time finding its voice that I'm nervous about what's going to happen to it once Soule leaves DC for good to go be a stupid dumb dumb head over at Marvel. I like to embrace my bitter, wounded, oft betrayed inner child!

Justice League of America #14

I guess this takes place on an Earth where America formed with twenty three original colonies.

Justice League of America has been the worst incarnation of any Justice League ever. At least that I've read. And I haven't actually read that many. But even if I can't rightly compare it to many past incarnations, basing it on its own merit, it was still awful. Mostly it was terrible because it was just an extension of Trinity War (which went nowhere and merely became a prologue for Forever Evil) and then it took a hiatus during Forever Evil where it told an imaginary adventure starring Stargirl and Martian Manhunter. Way to suck at planning comic books, DC.

I understand that comic book companies like to tie books together so readers feel they need to read the tie-in books and mini-series and other books tied in to those mini-series. But here's a little secret, DC: if you make the characters of a comic book interesting and get the reader emotionally involved with them and their story, they'll want to pick up other books where the characters appear. You don't need to ruin the main book simply because the characters are involved in some other story arc. Justice League of America should have just told stories about the Justice League of America that happened before the Crime Syndicate came to Earth instead of the bullshit story of Stargirl remembering that her parents loved her. Save that shit for the Stargirl mini-series.

I suppose JLA really was just a vehicle to highlight Stargirl anyway. Most of the stories revolved around her and how she was sidelined but she was too perky and eager to remain sidelined so she stepped up to help save the day. And then more of that. And still more of that. With a heaping helping of more of that. And now it looks like the final issue will be about Stargirl!

Stargirl says "literally" too much. And incorrectly. And when it isn't needed. Which it almost always isn't needed.

Apparently Steve Trevor's Justice League of America is being blamed for Earth being invaded by the Crime Syndicate. For some reason. Probably because they tied themselves so closely to the government of the United States and fuck the government of the United States. Amirite?! But mostly nobody gets to know exactly why the Justice League of America is taking responsibility because that shit is classified.

This issue is simply about how everybody went their separate ways. I guess. Whatever. Fuck this comic book! It was never allowed to tell a story! This was simply a place characters went to when they failed elsewhere! Nobody was interested in J'onn on Stormwatch, so he wound up in JLA. Hawkman's comic book was the shit that shit shits out of it, so he wound up on the JLA. Katana had the stink of Ann Nocenti's failure all over her, so she wound up in JLA. Nobody could figure out what the fuck to do with Simon Baz after Johns created him for no good fucking reason, so he wound up in JLA. Green Arrow had the stink of Ann Nocenti's failure all over him, so he wound up in the JLA. Vibe was never interesting ever, so he wound up on the JLA. Catwoman had the stink of Ann Nocenti's failure all over her, so she...oh wait. I already said that. Anyway, the Justice League of America was simply a holding place for characters DC didn't want to disappear from reader's minds. None of the characters (except for maybe Stargirl!) ever had a moment to develop since the plot was mostly about setting up Trinity War. Speaking of Trinity War, it was an idea that got flushed somewhere along the line and replaced by Forever Evil which is why Trinity War wound up in JLA!

"Thank you! Normally I wouldn't go near a brown man in a mask but since you save my child, I guess I'm grateful! And...oh my! Is that a gun in your leotards or are you...oh no. It's a gun. POLICE! HELP!"

Does Simon Baz still carry a gun around with him? That was my favorite thing about him! Fuck trusting some glitchy ring that needs to be shoved in a railroad lantern once per day. At least bullets don't lose power while you're sleeping.

I forgot to mention that Catwoman went back to being Catwoman or something. Anyway, on to what's happening in Green Arrow's life next!

The universe sighs a breath of relief! Green Arrow has been confined to Earth! Um. What?

She said "Arrow" not "Lantern" you idiot! I don't think Steve Trevor properly took care of his head wound after his battle with Grid.

Katana is busy with Outsiders stuff. She'll probably be back when the super hero Outsiders team reforms. I'm sure that'll happen during the Futures End nonsense. Hopefully Halo will turn up around then.

Currently, J'onn is tearing ARGUS Headquarters apart looking for Waller. Which means Waller must have wanted ARGUS's headquarters torn apart by J'onn since she knew he'd eventually get to her anyway. She must be up to something! It looks like ARGUS (and thus the JLA by association) were blamed for the whole Crime Syndicate Invasion thing and Waller once again wound up as the scapegoat. That's probably why she wanted the place destroyed. Just tear the whole fucking thing down and slink away unnoticed.

Stargirl is learning about her ex-teammates because she still wants to put a team together. But Trevor tells her how the government crippled him and that she should think outside of the box. So a light bulb appears over her head and she whispers, "Canada!" Because their government is powerless! Ha ha! Man, it must be nice to live in a country with no desire for power! Since all politicians are corrupt, it would be nice to have politicians that kept their corruption within their own borders! I think growing up in the cold causes you to develop an insulated outlook on the world!

J'onn finally catches up with Courtney and they agree to begin a new team which has already begun in Justice League United because this comic book was so fucking late.

Justice League of America #14 Rating: Good riddance. Hey DC? Can you stop publishing comic books just to take them out at the knees and keep them from going anywhere, leaving them to bleed out, helpless and struggling and pleading for their lives? Can you? No? Enh, fuck you anyway.

Green Lantern #29

I wonder how often Saint Walker fingers his own asshole with his head tail?

Last issue there was some trouble with Red Lantern Supergirl. Also, Hal found out that he accidentally gave up the rights to Sector 2814 to the Red Lanterns. This issue, Hal has decided to take a bit of time off and visit Coast City. Why not? There's only a huge war with the Durlans going on!

Oh! It's because of the war that he stopped by! Also to let Simon Baz know that he's the only Green Lantern allowed on Earth. Also to tell his brother Jim the secret identity of the new Green Lantern, Simon Baz.

My friend Doom Bunny's kid constantly clogs his toilet with his turds. So I'm going to start calling him Minnesota Fat Turds. He's going to despise Uncle Tess's visits!

That had nothing to do with Green Lantern but you're not paying for this so I can fucking write whatever I want to! Go get your Green Lantern jokes somewhere else if you don't want to read about a six year old's stool problems!

So Hal ditches Earth leaving the disappointing Simon Baz in his place. Not that I think Simon Baz is disappointing. I liked what I saw of him when he first appeared with Ch'p or Bd'g or Nu't or wh'tev'r. But then he had to go and join the Justice League of America where nobody but Stargirl is very important even though Amanda Waller won't let her do anything. So Simon hasn't had much of a chance to have any character. He's just been the token Green Lantern in the background. Hopefully he'll get a chance to shine again sometime. But there are so many human Green Lanterns! Did DC really need another one?

Meanwhile Mogo leaves Sector Zero to bring the Green Lanterns closer to the war with the Durlans. Saint Walker mopes. Kilowog fixes. Hal talks to the new recruits. It's all stuff that isn't me finishing Bioshock.

I also manage to earn some Comic Book Reading Experience Points when Hal speaks some truths that I pointed out previously.

Nobody would have believed Superman if he'd said the horrible things that Durlan said. Unless Lobdell was writing the issue and then everybody would have declared, "I knew that alien was up to no good being that he is an alien and very X-Man like! And you can't trust no Goddamn X-Man!"

Hal Jordan puts my girlfriend 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 front and center, giving her a job to run statistical probabilities and complex mathematical formulas. She's such a nerd! And so cute with her little head penises. Does DC put out any pornographic comic books because I think she'd be perfect in one. Maybe I'll start drawing it myself. Let me find my To-Do List of Serious Projects and add this: "Project #233: Pornographic Comic Strip starring Green Lantern 2-6-8-1-7-9-5." Okay! Now if I could just find more hours in the day, I might get around to that project in a decade or so!

Hal leads a small team to the planet Gwottle where the Relic Approved Anti-Light Devices are being manufactured. Even though the Corps has been unable to stand against the Anti-Light Devices up until now, Hal's team has no problem defeating the devices and stopping manufacture.

Bah! That's rumor and speculation and innuendo and hearsay and bad science! If I weren't such an intelligent specimen of the universe, I'd probably resort to derogatory names like Fish Face and Six Arms! Although, really, that would just be stating facts. But if I sneered the names just right, you'd understand I was being a dick!

Meanwhile the Durlan hiding out on Mogo that borrowed Hal's face to tell the entire Universe to suck it has discovered that the fishy Green Lantern stole his radioactive isotopes which allow him to change shape. So he's fucked.

Green Lantern #29 Rating: No change. If I wasn't so eager to get back to playing Bioshock Infinite, I might say some really mean-spirited things about the art in this issue and hurt Coccolo's feelings. But I'm not going to be a jerk today! I'll just say the art wasn't my style. Or maybe Coccolo will improve with time. Or perhaps the art was terrific but I was just in a grumpy mood. Who can say, really? Reality is a fickle bitch. I can tell the art wasn't very good because even though 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 appeared in a number of panels, she didn't really make my heart flutter like she has in the past. So I have to blame the art or else I have to admit that maybe our love is waning.

New Guardians #19

Either this is one of Volthoom's mindfucks, or Simon Baz is the greatest Lantern ever!

Last issue was all about Saint Walker, Carol Ferris, and Larfleeze. I expected this one to be about Munk and Arkillo. But it looks like it might be continuing on from Green Lantern #19 since the first page shows a bunch of exploded purple people parts floating through space. Carol has found Kyle on Earth and they decide to warn the rest of the Guardians.

Excuse me. Indigo-1 is apparently the new best Indigo Lantern. I never liked Munk anyway!

Speaking of Munk, what's going on with the Hal Jordan and the Indigo Lanterns' plan to make Repenting Indigo Rings for the Guardians of the Universe? Is that still going on? By the end of this, will the rings be completed so the Guardians can be subdued and shoved on some Asylum Planet where they can live out the rest of their immortal days without harming anybody ever again? Or is that plan just going to be conveniently forgotten until ten years from now when somebody resurrects it for a new story idea?

Now Carol and Kyle are visiting the ruins of Korugar looking for Sinestro. They don't really care so much about finding Sinestro as finding Hal Jordan who disappeared with Sinestro. I don't think Carol is going to be too happy when she finally finds him. Unless she's suddenly into necrophilia. Or always has been. I always thought Hal Jordan had the personality of a boring corpse.

Carol and Kyle manage to find Sinestro but he's acting like a raving lunatic. Apparently the destruction of his homeworld hasn't changed him at all. He believes that Kyle Rayner has joined with Volthoom because Kyle is wielding the power of the entire emotional spectrum. And cain't nobody nowhere do that nohow 'cept Sinestro and Volthoom!

Sinestro also smashes Carol in the face with a gigantic piece of Korugar, tells her Hal Jordan is good and dead, and then wraps her up in a light-construct condom and blasts her into space.

I think he plans to fire her into a black hole.

Sinestro believes that if he can take the White Ring from Kyle (do white rings need power batteries or can they just charge from any lantern?), he can turn back time and restore Korugar. But B'dg and Simon Baz show up to put a stop to the good guy infighting. After so many years, it still feels weird to think of Sinestro as a good guy. Carol and Kyle don't recognize Simon Baz so B'dg introduces him in the most heartless way possible: as the replacement of Hal Jordan. And you know the only reason a Green Lantern needs a replacement, right Carol Ferris?

Oh Carol. Don't be so small-minded. Life with a Black Lantern can be just as fulfilling.

Sinestro demands that Kyle bring back Korugar but Kyle is just as limited in his thinking as all the other lanterns before him. It takes Simon Baz to tell him it's possible! And he knows it's possible because he brought one man out of a coma! How much harder could it be to restore an entire world and resurrect all of its creatures?!

Kyle fails because he's just a lousy comic book artist. So Sinestro steals the ring from off of Kyle's finger to try himself. Kyle almost dies in deep space because these rings don't have some kind of safeguard to keep them from simply being removed by a thief? Carol wraps him in a love bubble while the ring rejects Sinestro's finger. Instead it decides to throw itself at Simon Baz, the new miracle kid on the Lantern Scene.

Except he fails too and the ring returns to Kyle. I guess that little scene, even though it didn't mean much, was shoved in to justify the surprise cover. But it does show that Simon Baz has some serious Lantern Chops. He's just too inexperienced at this point. Everyone is left pretty much where they were when this comic book began. Except Sinestro has decided to go back to his roots.

I love of it when a comic book ends on a really good joke!

New Guardians #19 Rating: No change. I can't believe Volthoom didn't make an appearance! What a slacker. Although it did make for a much better installment without him.

Green Lantern #19

This must be Volthoom's wet reality for Sinestro.

At the end of last issue, Hal Jordan was about to kill himself so he could become the greatest Black Lantern that ever didn't live. But now he's spending time gabbing with Tomar-Re because he seems to be having second thoughts. Which is odd for Hal Jordan since he so rarely ever has a first thought. I guess Pauline Fleming, the counselor at Westerburg High, really was serious that whether to kill yourself or not is the most important decision a person can make. At least Hal thinks so because he's actually discussing it with Tomar-Re instead of barreling over the cliff and killing himself immediately.

Hal probably would have gone through with it immediately but Tomar-Re is a member of the Grey Lantern Corps which uses Doubt as their weapon. So now Hal is having second thoughts about killing himself to escape the Dead Zone. And outside of the Dead Zone, Sinestro uses his new fake Green Lantern Ring to teleport away to look for Volthoom.

First off, that's a totally inappropriate sound effect for teleportation. Second off, I didn't think Green Lantern's could teleport. Isn't that just an Indigo power? Not that I haven't done my own fanboy reasoning for why Green Lanterns should be able to teleport! I'm just trying to stick to the Lantern Corps Rules DC has made!

Sinestro ends up on Korugar where he asks for help from Arsona. Do all the people of Korugar have menacing names when read in English? Is there a Manslaughteru? How about a Molestron? Sodomolor? Viciousera? Arsona actually decides to help Sinestro gear up to fight the Guardians simply because this is the first time Sinestro has ever reached out and asked for help. She's impressed that he's learned humility and is willing to save the universe with him. Except that's when Volthoom appears and claims Sinestro is going to save the universe with him instead. That claim seems suspect.

For having the greatest turmoil, he has the least amount of detail in his past timeline montage.

I wonder if Volthoom's Korugarian name is Rapethoom? Because now it's time for him to rape Sinestro just like he's raped all of the other main characters in the Green Lantern titles. Except for Atrocitus. For some reason, he didn't want any of that big beast. I wonder if people from Ryutt have teeth lining their anal sphincters? Instead of rearranging Atrocitus's past, he simply told Atrocitus what it might have been like and Atrocitus went, "Oh my god! I'm a monster!" But now it looks like Volthoom is back to his magic of making the person actually experience the new past (as temporary as it might be. Although Volthoom did suck down the Guardian's Heart of Emotion thing in Red Lanterns. So he should be practically filled up with power now). Volthoom sends Sinestro back to a timeline where he never became a Green Lantern. Sinestro will probably find it a pretty good reality since Volthoom's Rape Therapy generally leaves the victim feeling pretty good about his or her choices.

Oh wait. I take it back. Volthoom is simply talking Sinestro through some what could have beens and then he threatens to kill Arsona. And then I think Sinestro is the first of the batch to not take Volthoom's shit.

I know some others have repelled his advances but I think Sinestro is the first to actually take a shot at him.

Volthoom decides to crack open Korugar and fuck the shit out of it since Sinestro is fighting back. But the one thing you don't fuck with if your an intergalactic super rapist from another time and place is Sinestro's homeworld. Sinestro saves his people and fills them with hope. But since Volthoom feeds on Fear and Hope, he feeds off of the Korugarians which give him enough power to change reality so that Sinestro didn't save Korugar. Which means Volthoom never fed off of the Korugarians' Hope and never gained enough power to change reality. Which means he didn't destroy the planet which means the Korugarians were filled with Hope which means Volthoom fed on them and destroyed Korugar. I can do this all day!

Anyway, Korugar is destroyed. Sinestro is a failure. And Volthoom now has the power to alter reality permanently.

Hopefully the first thing Volthoom does is bring back Ted Kord.

Well DC Universe, it was nice knowing you! Now that Volthoom can change reality whenever and however he wants, nothing can stop him. Unless somebody knows some kind of logic riddle that will send him into a paradoxical time loop from which he can never recover. I believe G'nort knows something like that.

Because the Dead Zone is flooded with millions of Korugarians, Hal Jordan realizes he has to act now. He leaps to his death. Meanwhile in space, Sinestro finds his Yellow Lantern Battery floating amidst the rubble of his home and somehow thinks becoming a Yellow Lantern again will enable him to battle somebody that can just change reality so that Sinestro never found the Yellow Lantern Battery.

Green Lantern #19 Rating: +3 Rating. I give out +1 and +2 ratings all of the time for good books and well told stories. But I have to do better for an issue of Green Lantern where Hal Jordan kills himself. I think I might be Volthoom because this is the reality I've always wanted! So now along with Matu Ba and Damian Wayne and Bloody Mary and Tig and Jack Ryder and Cliff Baker and Stormwatch (kind of), Hal Jordan has also died! That's a lot of people dying lately and I'm pretty sure I missed a few.

Justice League of America #2

I believe Catwoman has Katana's sword up her ass.

Now that we've gotten to know all about the members of the Justice League of America, it's time to see them in action! And by "see them in action", I mean punching each other in the face and bickering. I also wonder if Martian Manhunter has a Jones for Oreos in the Reboot.

Issue Two begins by making sure the reader remembers that the Justice League of America's main reason for existence is to defeat the Justice League. And it begins with the Scarecrow locked in a chair. Are they going to get information from a bunch of villains that will help them defeat the Justice League? Because David Graves the cancer-ridden author already did that.

Oh yeah! I forgot it was the bad guys that were hunting down the Scarecrow, not the "good" guys! The mystery man with the cane is interviewing the Scarecrow. I wonder if Super Villains have a website like Linked In where they can tout their skills and attempt to get a sweet Legion of Doom gig.

Mr. Mystery is going to summon Cthulhu?

Green Arrow tried to infiltrate the Secret Society of Super Villains as Dark Hunter but they sussed him out and nearly killed him with Professor Ivo's Justice League robots. Now Green Arrow is in surgery and being saved instead of being put out of his (and the reader's) misery. Trevor wants to know more of what Green Arrow knows before they attempt to stop the Secret Society of Super Villains but Amanda Waller wants him to prep the team and send them out without any information. Hey! That's how she runs the Suicide Squad! And people die all of the time (although they do tend to come back). You'd think she'd want to try something different with a bunch of heroes! But she's more interested in pushing Steve Trevor around than keeping the team safe, so Trevor goes to brief the team on their first mission. I don't know why they don't just bring Martian Manhunter in to read Green Arrow's mind and get the information they need. The leadership on this team sucks. Utilize your members!

Now I sound like a Porn Director!

Who said he was trying to look at your eyes? Sheesh!

At the first meeting of the Justice League of America, they all have chairs with symbols on the back indicating who gets to sit where. I have no fucking idea what Catwoman's symbol is or why Vibe thinks it might be for Captain Atom. It looks like a cotton ball with two lines through it. Maybe it represents a cat playing with a toy. Or a cat having sex with a bat.

Everybody is being prepped for their press conference to be introduced to the public. Except for Catwoman who must remain behind because she didn't dress appropriately. I'm also surprised that Martian Manhunter isn't being kept secret. It's not like anybody will know who he is anyway since he erased everybody's minds. They'll probably all just be afraid of the giant green man with the Oreo crumbs all over his face. Before they leave Catwoman behind, she has one last thing for Trevor.

I think this completes the circuit so that Superman basically kissed Batman. Superman--Wonder Woman--Steve Trevor--Catwoman--Batman.

Steve Trevor is manhandled by a legendary thief and he doesn't check to make sure he still has his wallet after this. Because he doesn't. As I said earlier, the leadership of this team sucks. Does he know what any of the members of the team are capable of? I don't think he actually read all of the files!

Inside the wallet, Catwoman finds a picture of Wonder Woman with Steve Trevor and she grows melancholy because she understands never getting to have sex again with a member of the Justice League. Fucking teases.

At the press conference, Stargirl gives a speech written for her by Waller's goons. The speech talks about Johnny Appleseed and how he was a selfless hero and humanitarian that helped shape our country with his selfless apple planting. I think the speech writer needs to read a fucking biography on Johnny Appleseed and stop spreading ignorant lies! Or it's an apt analogy because the Justice League of America also wants to be seen as heroes even though they have ulterior motives and selfish interests.

Meanwhile, Steve Trevor brings Martian Manhunter in to read Green Arrow's mind. Okay, so maybe the leadership isn't as horrible as I thought. And maybe Steve Trevor allowed Catwoman to steal his wallet so she'd find the picture so she'd feel a connection to him. Perhaps Steve Trevor is a super genius! Martian Manhunter discovers that Green Arrow fought against a robotic Batman. Although he may not have made the connection that this Batman was a robot since he simply tells Steve Trevor that Batman was there. I don't know who's playing whom in this drama!

Once Steve Trevor gets the information, he tells Green Arrow, "You suck!", and tells him he can't be on the team. According to the cover, I'm pretty sure that will change. But for now, the Justice League of America is off on their first mission! I wonder how many of them will die?

By the end of the story, none of them have been killed but several of them have disappeared, Martian Manhunter can't use his telepathy (of course!), and Steve Trevor's neck ends up in Robot Wonder Woman's noose. I guess I'll have to wait until Issue Three to see who dies.

The back-up story is an analogy about the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001. Starring some unnamed assassin as the terrorists, Martian Manhunter as the government, and President Obama as the American Public!

Justice League of America #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. The worst part about this comic is that every time Catwoman is on the page, I picture David Finch's boner as he was drawing her. I feel dirty!

Green Lantern #18

The most powerful weapon in the universe and these chumps use it to make swords and flails.

Hal Jordan and Sinestro have been stuck inside The Black Hand's Black Lantern Ring for a good space of time. That's about as accurate as I can be since I really don't know how much time has passed in the Green Lantern Verse since the Zero Issue. Or whenever they were sucked up. The issue before that? An Annual? Anyway, it's been a long fucking time. And now Simon Baz has joined them. I think that means they're counting on the cosmic squirrel to save their asses.

With Simon Baz now trapped inside The Black Hand's ring, things look pretty bleak for Hal and Sinestro.

Oh Sinestro! You're always so critical! If you're so perfect, why the fuck are you in The Dead Zone too?

From what I've seen, Simon Baz utilizes the ring even better than Sinestro and he's brand new at it. Once Sinestro sees what Simon Baz can do, he'll take all of the credit and forget about the fact that Hal Jordan got his chocolate in Sinestro's Power Ring even though it's the combination of these two Green Lanterns that enabled the ring to pick a person more suited to the job than either of them alone.

Although you'll never convince Sinestro of that fact. Or me, either, really. I never did like Hal Jordan.

Sinestro doesn't believe in the competency of anybody but Sinestro. So as soon as he realizes Simon Baz is wearing his old ring, Sinestro tries to take it. And either Sinestro's willpower is so powerful that he can withstand the blows from any Green Lantern ring or he's just simply unaffected by it due to some changes he made in his ring before he lost it. Sinestro just wades through anything Simon Baz can hit him with. Well, almost anything.

Well, you had to figure the gun would come in handy at some point before Steve Trevor and the JLA took it away from him.

Meanwhile the Space Squirrel B'dg that I keep disrespecting because he's so fuzzy and wuzzy and cute is busy making a bad ass stand against The Black Hand in the hopes of rescuing Simon from Black Hand's ring. How come I can't treat B'dg with the respect he deserves as a Green Lantern? Is it my fault half the Green Lanterns were created during the silliness of the Silver Age? They're never going to fit into the grim and gritty modern age stories! I mean, they will. But I won't accept it without kicking and screaming and pointing out how cute B'dg's widdle bwack eyes are and how fwuffy his widdle tail is!

Back in the ring, Sinestro's will is too strong to be killed by one bullet.

Sinestro's eyeball has some serious trust issues.

Dead Tomar-re graces everyone with a short book report on Volthoom since even Sinestro doesn't know who he is. But Tomar-re knows because millions of the dead people in the Dead Zone were killed by Volthoom and they just can't shut up about it. Volthoom was, of course, a mysterious explorer from an unknown time and an unknown place. He's probably from a time far in the future so that his actual origin never has to really be explained. But he traveled back in time to witness Krona witness the creation of the universe. Why didn't he just go back in time to actually witness the creation of the universe? I don't know! Maybe that was too dangerous! As it was, when he arrived and/or when Krona looked at The Big Goat.se, everything blew up and things went haywire and Volthoom suddenly had the power of the Emotional Spectrum. The Guardians saw his power and said, "Hey! Quit bogarting that fucking power, dude!" And Volthoom looked down on them and said, "No."

That sounds like a whole lotta hogwash!

After the lecture, B'dg's green light reaches in to pull Simon Baz free. But as he's leaving, he creates a duplicate ring for Hal Jordan so that he can escape as well. When did one of the powers of the ring become making duplicate rings? They've used that a number of times in this book and it just seems silly. And dangerous! If I were a Green Lantern, I'd just make thousands of rings to give out so I wouldn't have to patrol my gigantic, enormous, fucking crazy big sector of the universe all by myself. Or, you know, with just the one partner. Whatever the current protocol is.

But the ring doesn't go to Hal Jordan. Sinestro frightens Hal just a smidgen and the ring goes to Sinestro. But since Hal Jordan's destiny is to become the greatest Black Lantern ever, it's fitting that Sinestro escapes along with Simon Baz. But once they're free (thanks to the fuzzy wuzzy space squirrel!), Black Hand disappears into the ring himself. While wearing the ring. Oh shit! RECURSION ALERT!

RECURSRECURSIONALRECURSIONALERRECURSIONALERTTERTIONALERT!

So the ring was sucked inside the ring and the ring was not sucked inside the ring to be able to suck the ring inside the ring which sucked the ring inside the ring which wasn't sucked inside the ring while simultaneously being sucked inside the ring that wasn't sucked inside the ring that was sucked inside the ring.

end recursion alert

Now the only way out of the Dead Zone is for Hal Jordan to use the Black Lantern Ring. But he can't use it because he's still half-alive. Which means he needs to stop willing himself alive and commit suicide. And since he's going to be the best Black Lantern ever, get ta steppin', Hal!

Splat.

Green Lantern #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. It took about a year or so for me to finally feel comfortable with all of the Green Lantern history that was dragged along into the Reboot but now that I am, I'm enjoying this book a lot more. Plus Hal Jordan isn't the star!

Green Lantern #16

Would the inclusion of B'dg make this cover too silly? If you're going to seriously include a space squirrel in your drama, at least allow him on the cover in serious moments.

The very first text box in Green Lantern #16 says, "This takes place before Green Lantern Corps #16." You know what would have been helpful seeing as how both Green Lantern Corps #16 and Green Lantern #16 came out the same week? If Green Lantern Corps had begun with a box saying it took place after Green Lantern #16! At least Green Lantern Corps #16 didn't rely too heavily on plot points that the reader couldn't extrapolate for himself after the events of Green Lantern #15. But this is still an example of the DC Editors fucking up. Very slightly. But still! A fuck up!

What a sassy space squirrel.

For an organization that's millions of years old (unless it's just thousands), you'd think they'd be prepared for recruitment better than they are. B'dg acts like this is the first time a Green Lantern has received a ring without proper training. The way the ring recruits, you would suspect this to be the norm. It's not like the battery goes flying about with the ring on the trip to find a new bearer. How many recruits are killed without realizing the ring can run out of power and decide to take a short flight through space when the power gives out? There are some severe safety issues with this item. And the Guardians are way too pompous to care. Bastards.

Somebody finally believes that Simon Baz is innocent of the terrorism charge and it's a good thing it's an FBI agent. Agent Fed makes a call in to Waller to let her now not to worry about the new Green Lantern while Simon and B'dg head off to find Simon's Battery. And maybe look for Hal Jordan a little bit.

I thought the Green Lanterns stopped shoving their batteries into pocket dimensions? And if they can do that with the ring, why can't they teleport like the Indigo Lanterns? Accessing a single spot in a pocket dimension from anywhere in space seems like just a minor step away from using the ring to teleport?

Because Simon Baz is smart enough to realize this whole Green Lantern Corps has a fuckload of flaws in its system, he decides to carry a gun as well. Because if you really want to feel safe, nothing better than wearing a gun on your hip! Although to truly feel safe, you don't want any guns on anybody else's hips especially if they have brown skin and Arabic tattoos or look like they belong in NWA. I'm pretty sure most hypocrites in the NRA wouldn't feel bad about a law that banned minorities from owning guns. Because whether it's being said or not, you know there is a lot of racial motivation in play for a lot of pro-gun people. Now me? I'm just glad that fucking squirrel isn't packing.

With B'dg's help, Simon Baz finally extricates the two messages from the ring. They don't actually give him any pointers on becoming a Green Lantern. I wonder if there is a third message that usually plays, kind of like one of those old educational films that were often ludicrous and offensive by today's standards. The message from Hal Jordan tells Baz (and B'dg) that the Guardians are fucking cuckoo but Hal thinks he knows how to help them. He also mentions that he and Sinestro were sucked into The Black Hand's ring. Oh? Is that where they went? I had no idea! And then he finishes up with some nonsense about how much he loves Carol Ferris. No, no you don't, Hal Jordan. You just love the idea of having a normal love affair while being allowed to gallivant across the galaxy punching aliens in the face (unless their genitals look like their faces and then Hal punches them in the genitals).

And then Simon taps into Sinestro's message.

Yeah, I don't think Arkillo will be much help anymore. He and his new best friend Saint Walker are doing just fine without Sinestro.

I like Sinestro's plan better than Hal Jordan's plan. I was really hoping that this crossover would obliterate the Guardians of the Universe once and for all. I suppose the core group of Guardians will be defeated or changed by Indigo Power Rings and the normal Guardian Duties will be taken up by the Bohemian group of Guardians that were guarding the first Green Lantern. The other thing I really like about the mix of messages is how Simon Baz is the one guy on Earth most like both Hal and Sinestro. So he has a good mix of their qualities. Hopefully he has all of their bad qualities! Then he'd be an arrogant idiot that demands order at any cost.

Except create F-18 missiles. You have to use it to steal those.

After telling Simon that the ring can do anything he wills it to, B'dg has to quickly backtrack and eat his words after Simon tries to use it to cure his comatose brother-in-law. "Oh, um, yeah. Did I forget to mention it doesn't work to heal things? Kind of need a Blue Lantern for that. Whoops!" But Simon believes with all of his might like no other Green Lantern has ever believed before! Because he's got the best qualities of Hal Jordan and Sinestro. He has the power to truly get the most out of the ring like Sinestro. And he doesn't listen to or believe the rules laid out before him like Hal Jordan. He has the imagination and the ability and could, quite possibly, be the strongest Green Lantern yet.

I like this second panel quite a bit. Earlier, Simon interrupted Sira before she could call B'dg a squirrel and said, "He's a Green Lantern." It's a nice moment to see a group of people that are probably constantly being judged by their race living in Dearborn show respect to a flying space squirrel by acknowledging what he is instead of what he looks like. This is in contrast to Agent Fed calling B'dg a squirrel and a chipmunk. And, um, in contrast to me as well. Fuck you for trying to make me feel guilty, Geoff Johns! It didn't work! I don't know how to feel guilty!

While in the hospital, B'dg catches a news report of Guy Gardner in police custody. What would the world of comic books do without the ever present news program feeding them information? They head off to save Guy Gardner before looking for Hal Jordan.

While I was typing that last paragraph, I'd set the comic book down with it open to the last page which I hadn't read yet. And as I glanced over, I saw the dark hooded figure from last issue that was confronting Hal and Sinestro in the Dead Zone (or inside the Black Ring, apparently). His hood is now off and I just thought, "Tomar-Re?"

I had no idea he was dead.

Green Lantern #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. This whole issue was nicely paced and served well to help establish Simon Baz as the next big deal Green Lantern. I already like him a bajillion times better than I like Hal Jordan.