Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #2 (Third Week of December, 2017)

E!TACT! #2
Detective Comics, Justice League of America, Suicide Squad, Action Comics, and Other Assorted Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

Batman Detective Comics #970
by Tynion IV, Bennett, Regla, Loerzer, Jaime, and Wright

I only included the "Batman" part of the title because it's right there on the cover even though Batman is hardly ever in this comic book anymore. Now, I don't mind Batman not being in Detective Comics. But if they're going to stick "Batman" right on the title, I sort of expect him to be a major player. In reality, they should replace "Batman" with "Tumblr's" because Tynion IV seems to be writing this comic book to a quite specific audience.

Following that statement, I feel I need to add this paragraph that doesn't actually need to exist. But people have forgotten that they don't need to exist in a constant state of defensiveness (like the one I'm in right now which is causing me to write this paragraph to defend against the people in a constant state of defensiveness (it's like our current ability to engage in any kind of social dialogue has become a monstrous Ouroboros)). But being that we're all constantly feeling attacked, I can understand that a simple statement of observed reality (such as "Tynion IV is writing to a Tumblr audience") can be construed as judgment. Believe me, I'm not judging the book on its content. By all means, let Detective Comics be about the younger generation trying to fix the older generation's mistakes while uplifting minority viewpoints and calling out bullshit like authoritarianism and ableist memes extant within Batman (and other comic book) tropes. But please, at the very least, make it fucking interesting! It just seems like Tynion IV is incapable of that last bit.

This comic book is simply boring. I suppose if you can't get enough of the Tim Drake/Stephanie Cluemeister drama, you've probably rubbed this comic book against your genitals a half dozen times since it came out. But for those of us who want a compelling story that doesn't rely on the old mainstay of "Batman is bad and everybody thinks so" crutches, it's disappointing. If you want moving and entertaining stories that include all that "Tumblr audience" stuff that everybody probably believes I'm rebelling against because I wrote that line that caused me to write that other paragraph and they're never going to believe the other paragraph over their initial reaction to that one line, tune in to Brooklyn 99 or watch Master of None on Netflix. The writers of those shows are giving us a glimpse into the future. Whenever people complain of a piece of pop culture pandering to a certain audience, it's usually because they're having a difficult time dealing with the transitional phase between "shows with all white and/or male concerns" and "shows that take all perspectives into account." And that response is only amplified when the writing is terrible (or even mediocre. Like in Detective Comics). But the writers of Brooklyn 99 and Master of None (and I'm sure many other shows that I either haven't seen or aren't thinking about right now) develop shows that seem to exist in the post-transitional realm. These are shows that exemplify how stories can exist in a realm where all kinds of people exist. And they do it naturally because that world is just fucking natural (at least to the people living in the bubbles which aren't actually the anomaly bubbles but the bubbles of exemplary social conditions). I'm certain stodgy people who often find themselves saying things like "I'm not [insert difference]-ist!" probably couldn't sit through those shows either. But fucking hell what I wouldn't give for James Tynion IV to write something even half as good as those shows. I might be up for his Detective Comics at that point.

As a final aside (because I mentioned Brooklyn 99), I wanted to mention how I've been rewatching Deadwood and there's that part where Wild Bill is helping Bullock and Star build their shop when two guys stop by to talk to Bill. As I was watching the first guy critique Wild Bill's acting ability, I yelled out, "It's Hitchcock!" I'm so happy that Hitchcock lived in Deadwood and that he didn't seem too far off from his modern version.

As for the story itself, I suppose I could try to push my way past my own boredom to see what Tynion is trying to do. He seems to be examining the problems of Batman as an authoritarian forcing his own beliefs upon not only the social system he feels somehow responsible for but for the "family" he's taken under his wing as well. He is, literally, the Patriarch and Tynion's stories so far have been to expose his weaknesses and failings. Just because he's a white male of the previous generation, it doesn't mean he knows everything and it doesn't make everything he does okay. As a white male of the current generation, Tim Drake is struggling not to fall into the same patterns of patriarchal abuse of the system. He wants to do things differently but he's been failing because his need to control everything mirrors Batman's way exactly. But it isn't just Batman's authoritarian technique that's the main problem.

Enter Anarky. Here, we have another white male who knows best how things should be. It's the complete opposite of the way Batman wants to control Gotham but it's still just another white guy telling everybody how they should live their lives. Caught between these two men (Red Robin and Anarky) is Steph. Not only is she struggling with these two men telling her how she should be, she's also living under the shadow of her supervillain father. She has tried to find her own sense of agency by rebelling against her dad's ways (as we saw in the interminable Batman Eternal) only to later lose that agency in her relationship with Tim (who is so smart, how can he not constantly tell her what to do?!). Rebelling against Batman and the others when Tim seems to have died, she manages to find herself in Anarky's clutches. Eventually Steph will realize that these men never fucking listen to her and she'll figure out her own thing. Maybe. It's hard to hope that it will happen because she's been lost for so long.

The B Story between Cassie and Clayface is more compelling but it's hard to get emotionally invested when Cassie is reduced to speaking in her pidgin language.

The C Story about Kate dealing with her father and Batman I mostly already discussed in that part about Steph, Red Robin, and Anarky. Just replace all the proper nouns.

As for the Victim Syndicate and the city turning on Batman (can I call it "turning on Batman" when they always seem to hate him all the time now anyway?), I'd rather not write about it because I'll hurt my neck falling asleep at the keyboard.

Justice League of America #20

By Orlando, Petrus, and Hi-fi

I haven't mentioned this in quite some time but did y'all know Lobo was in this book? He's right on the cover this issue so I can't imagine anybody passed it by on the shelves. The most typical reaction was probably "HOLY FUCK! A COMIC BOOK WITH LOBO?! I JUST RUINED MY UNDERWEAR IN A SEX WAY, THE SPECIFIC WAY BEING DEPENDENT ON THE GENITALIA INSIDE MY PANTS! EITHER WAY, I'M NOW ALL GOOEY! I THINK. WOMEN GOO TOO, RIGHT?! I HAVE TOO HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH A WOMAN!" That might not have been the most typical reaction unless you're also a closeted virgin who shouts crazy shit in the middle of your comic book shop.

This issue ends another story arc about a villain attacking a super group directly instead of the super group stopping a super villain from doing harm. I suppose Prometheus's plan was to turn everybody against the Justice League of America. And, I suppose as well, attacking a super group and endangering regular people during the attack is a good way to enact that plan. But Prometheus fucks up because this Justice League of America, from the beginning, has stated that they're the Everyperson's Justice League (at least Every Person from America, I guess)! So the civilians don't buy it (even though it seemed like they were buying it last issue) and they help the Justice League to save the day. Because ordinary people are strong as hell!

The story concludes with Lobo exposing Killer Frost's murder of a Null soldier in the last story arc. Instead of everybody going, "Wait. Why are we judging Frost when the person who got us to judge Frost is a well known genocider?! Why are we letting him off the hook?! I guess until he murders his first person while being part of the team, everything is peachy?", they go, "Oh no! Killer Frost! You've completely messed up your life and it's probably our fault for trusting you!" Killer Frost responds by saying, "No, no. It's my fault. Don't everybody get all up in my face with hugs and compassion. I'll take responsibility for my actions and ruin my life to prove that I'm remorseful." And then the JLA goes, "Whew. I can't wait until she's gone so I can stop feeling bad about myself."

The epilogue begins another story about a villain whose only plan is to attack a superhero (this time, it's The Ray's turn). Remember when villains didn't want to come into conflict with heroes?! I mean, I think there was a day like that. It's hard to say when people like The Riddler were constantly leaving clues so that Batman would eventually find him and punch him near to death. That's a fucking weird fetish, Riddler. But, you know, at least The Riddler wasn't just walking up to the Batcave, ringing the doorbell and calling Batman a cunt to his face when he answered. Like all these other villains do these days.

Suicide Squad #31

by Williams, Bagenda, Leisten, and Lucas

Ha ha ha! Hoo boy. That's some hilarious Narration Boxing from Harley Quinn. I don't think anybody has really died in the Squad since New 52 Suicide Squad #18 when Yo Yo was killed. Unless it was when Light was killed? I mean Lime. No wait. That was definitely earlier. Anyway, the people who have died in this comic book recently haven't really. Captain Boomerang. Reverse Flash. Even Rick Flag is simply in the Phantom Zone! I suppose it's good that Harley was the team member to have this thought because she's crazy. She might actually think there's been an extra person on each mission who has died.

Rick Flag Senior Senior dies this issue. I mean, he shouldn't die since he's in The Phantom Zone where time doesn't work. But he dies anyway. Maybe because he's simply in the foyer of The Phantom Zone? Anyway, his death doesn't matter because who the fuck cares about the Suicide Squad from two or three generations ago?! The only one that matters is the one from one or two generations ago! Shit, this one I'm reading now barely matters more than the original one I've never cared about.

Next issue, the Suicide Squad have to run down Karin who is driving a space station into the sun. So I guess the mission isn't an emergency or anything. It'll take her a few months to get there. And I'm sure the Squad has a faster ship than a fucking ginormous space station. Although does size matter in space? Since there's no atmospheric friction, does something being bigger help it to accelerate faster? I never claimed to be a scientist! Or smart even!

Action Comics #993

by Jurgens, Prado, and Hi-fi

Last issue, Dan Jurgens found a way to, once again, bring Booster Gold back into the DC Universe. How much extra money does Dan Jurgens get whenever Booster Gold appears in a comic book? Do "Created by" credits come with a monetary reward?

Last issue, Superman used The Flash's Cosmic Treadmill to go back in time so he could observe Krypton's destruction. I guess the Cosmic Treadmill also allows the user to travel through space? Or did Superman do that separately? Did he account for the amount of time it would take him to fly from Earth to Krypton before running back in time? I only ask that question because we all know Superman isn't as smart as Batman. He might not even be as smart as Hawkman.

I actually feel bad for saying that. I can't believe I'm about to apologize to a fictional character. I'm sorry, Superman. Nobody is as dumb as Hawkman. Except maybe Green Arrow. Although that's only in a figurative sense. And since I'm now speaking figuratively, I should probably point out that Aquaman is pretty dumb too.

Booster Gold joins Superman on a Krypton from an Elseworld's book (or should I say Elsewhen book?! Ha ha! Time travel humor that I totally didn't steal from this issue's Booster Gold since I actually stole it from the one person in every time travel movie who has to say, in response to "Where are we?", "Don't you mean . . . when are we?!"). The main difference on this Krypton is that  Zod and Jor-el are the best of friends. Like super best friends. It's so different and weird! How do writers come up with this stuff?!

Things get crazy on Krypton before Booster Gold ends the comic book by dropping the shoe off the other foot: he reminds Superman that he's powerless on Krypton! Oh man! What a jaw dropping last line! What a crazy twist reveal! I most definitely was not ardently screaming at the comic book the entire time I was reading it about how Superman would be powerless on Krypton so why was he being so stupid going back there and also this whole thing has reminded me of Scott Lobdell's Superman time travel to Krypton barf party so I might be a little bit crazy right now and have forgotten how to put together an understandable sentence. What I'm saying is: what a twist!

Other Assorted Bullshit

I still have a few comics that I'll probably read but that's quite fucking enough already, right? I've already passed my total word count record from the first issue: 2465 words. Is that a lot of words? That's probably two thousand, four hundred, and fifty words past TL;DR.

Judging by my weekly schedule of doing the things I need to do to maintain my existence, this newsletter will most likely go out on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. So I've narrowed it down to less than half the possible days of the week!

If you have the inclination, I believe you can reply directly to these Newsletters and I'll get them. I'll respond to all replies that don't make me think "I don't have time for these stupid questions that I was told don't actually exist but they fucking do! They totally fucking exist! Just like monsters! And drunk fathers who abandon their children to the harsh verities of existence?! Why didn't anybody tell me the truth as a child?!" So join the conversation! And if you want to converse with other followers of this Newsletter, let me know if it's okay to publish your email and a name you'd like to be called that isn't "Fucking degenerate."

The Omega Men #12

I haven't been this melancholy about a last issue since...I don't even have an example to give it's been so long.

The Review!
Entertainment in this day and age is bullshit. It doesn't ask anything of its audience. Hell, it doesn't even want its audience asking questions. It just says, "This is the good guy. This is the bad guy. This is the way the world should be, no questions asked." And what boggles my mind is that 21st century people seem to want it that way. They want their no-friction stories of tepid characters who all get along and stick together against the obvious bad people. The tellers of the tale do not want ambiguity. They do not want people making up their own minds. They want to put a finger in the face of the audience and waggle it around a bit. It's all propaganda and we're all blindingly consuming it so that something, anything, can give us a few moments of warm fuzzies in a shitty gray world of gray decisions and moral ambiguities. We ignore the hard conflicts because there are so many easy ones where we can take a side and feel safely righteous in our exuberant patting of our own backs. We express opinions we know have the support of others and secretly, fiercely, guard those opinions that might bring on a mob of holy crusaders. If we take a stand against the easy, popular opinion, we are sure to fall. And we're all too filled with cowardice for that. So instead, we argue about Doctor Who and Sherlock and comic books and Harry Potter. We attack showrunners and writers and artists when their superficial story choices aren't those we would have made. We take our battles to the popular culture because we have no stomach for a real fight. We're all assholes. Every single one of us.

That might not seem like a review of The Omega Men but I assure you it is. It's the highest praise I could give it.

The Commentary!
Today I'm reading the last issues of the best two series of the Prebirth comic books I have left in the stack: The Omega Men and Grayson. I'm still not sure how I'd like this comic book to end. Should it have a happy ending where the terrorists topple the government putting corporate financial matters ahead of the lives of ordinary people? Or should the violent extremists be gunned down by superior forces better at violence than they ever were? Should Kyle Rayner fail to stop tyranny from succeeding because that's a more realistic outcome? My guess is that The Omega Men who are still alive will be driven from the Vega system so that they can have another uncomfortably true story somewhere else in the Rebirth universe later. Oh! I know! Maybe instead of battling the metaphor, they can actually wind up on Earth and go up against the United States itself!

This issue begins with Kyle and the Omega Men closing in on the Viceroy of The Citadel underneath Kyle's memories of first meeting the Viceroy and getting the Viceroy's version of an imperialist's rationalizations. And then...well, I think I'll just finish reading it in silence. You already read my thoughts up there. In fact, right now, as I type this, you know more about my reaction to this comic book than I do. But two pages in and, once again, I just can't make stupid jokes while I read it. I need to immerse myself in this story. I need to be present. It's rare that a writer of comic books cares this much about a story they want to share with others, and I don't want to taint the experience by being distracted.

The Omega Men #11

There are plenty of reasons why this comic book is so much better than most of its competition. Turning the Green Lantern symbol into the Omega symbol is simply not ignoring the balls.

The Review!
Super hero comic books too often wind up not being about anything except super hero comic books. So now we get stories deconstructing the ideals and myths which were commonly excepted tropes for decades. How would people actually react to a world full of super powered people? What if the super heroes weren't infallible and could be corrupted by their own power? What steps would the government take to control the perceived menace? If we're not getting stories about the negative reaction people would have to the super heroes, we constantly get the story where the heroes teach regular people that they're the actual heroes. Everybody is actually Batman! Everyone is actually Superman! We are in control of our own lives and thank you, super heroes, for giving us that message! It's exhausting! Although not in an intellectually exhausting manner! The stories are never subtle about who is in the right and who is totally fucking wrong. Although sometimes I think Superman is being a complete and utter dick but the story is hitting me over the head with some stupid fucking message about how he's doing the right thing even though he obviously isn't. So maybe I'm just tired of writers who can't write complex stories without having to explain them in long-winded narration boxes that often contradict the actions of the character. Maybe I'm just tired of being told, by the writer and the first person narration of the main character, how I'm supposed to feel and the conclusions I'm supposed to draw.

Sometimes I just want to read a book that can't fucking decide if the hero is inspiring or terrible! I want a book that lets me decide who to support! Although, to be fair, putting "The Omega Men" right on the cover kind of makes me think I'm supposed to agree with their view of the universe. And who is actually reading this book and siding with The Citadel anyway (you know, since politicians and CEOs probably aren't reading it)? So maybe this is a bad example of a comic book with an ambiguous message that doesn't offer any easy answers. This book hasn't really tried to be subtle about the black eye it's intending to give America's foreign policy and America's kowtowing to corporate interests. Maybe I should have begun with an off-topic thought like usual.

Is it bad that I drive around in Grand Theft Auto laughing hysterically as I run people over or would it be worse if I were totally stoic and serious about it?!

This month, The Omega Men gather an army and march into the Citadel's headquarters. That's pretty much the summation of the entire issue. Trying to summarize something so well put together and make stupid dick jokes about it would be an insult to the work. The meat of the story is how the characters go about convincing each world to join the war against the Citadel. The actual action, the war, the battles...they're all skimmed past in a few pages detailing half an Earth year's worth of conflict. Some writers would have made a huge mistake and swapped those ratios and concentrated on huge double splash pages of heroic battle and stupid one liners. I don't know if Tom King would have spent longer on the war if given more than twelve issues of The Omega Men. Whatever the case, it's better this way. Sometimes writers are tempted to fill pages with nonsense or simple action because they have no actual deadline for a story. In fact, it's the exact opposite where the writer knows that the comic just keeps going and going, so why not pad the story as much as possible to fill up as many pages as possible to extend one story for as many issues as possible? I really wouldn't mind if all of DC's comics simply became four, six, or twelve issue mini-series! Because then the writer would be forced to pitch an actual story with a beginning, middle, and end with a fucking reason for existing. Until then, we'll just keep getting pitches for stories for things like "Superman battles the most powerful intergalactic monster he's met to date for five issues until he finally wins in the last issue through sheer force of willpower and heart!"

The Omega Men #10

I'm surprised DC has been competent enough to let Trevor Hutchison do every cover of this series. Best set of covers ever. That's probably not hyperbole.

Rating: This is currently my favorite monthly comic book from DC Comics. Yes, it surprised me too. I remember back in the eighties passing this comic book by on the shelves because it looked boring and the characters all had boring names. Broot was brutish. Demonia looked demonic. Doc was a doctor. Unless he wasn't. But I assumed he was! Felicity was a cat. The Green Man was green. Harpis was harpy-like. Kalista was beautiful. Primus was leader. Tigorr was a tiger. You get the idea! And if pink-clad Lobo seemed too "wolf-like", Giffen made sure to remind everybody that his name meant "He who devours ones entrails and thoroughly enjoys it." I think. That definition is off the top of my head. The characters have the same names in this series but that's to be expected! It wouldn't be The Omega Men without the same characters! This is a Reboot, not a Totally-Forget-Everything-You've-Ever-Known-Boot!

I'm probably not going to comment much on this book because I simply want to read it and take it in and enjoy it. I don't remember being so eager for a story to finish since the SAS story arc in Hitman. And yes, yes, I know. A bunch of you pussies are thinking right now, "But if you like it so much, why would you want it to end?!" Go fuck yourselves.

After the revelation that the Citadel murdered everybody on Voorl for profit, the rest of the Vega System has erupted into chaos and rebellion. Especially Karna because it seems The Citadel has its sights on making Karna their next Stellarium Mine. Which means putting an awful lot of kitty cats in a sack and finding a nice big lake to toss them into. The worlds of the Vega System are on their own because the planets that need Stellarium to prevent going all Krypton don't really give a shit about the Citadel's methods. Unless, of course, The Citadel can't produce any Stellarium. And then they'll remind a galactic court how The Citadel committed genocide.

Karna manages to fight off the Citadel but it's only the beginning of the rebellion. The Viceroy's life is at stake. If he can't manage to turn one planet into a Stellarium Mine, he'll be tried for genocide and executed. It was the Omega Men who won up until this point because they were desperate and had nothing to lose. Now it's the Viceroy's turn.

The Omega Men #6

If you're not reading this comic book, you're missing out on the best DC Comics of the year.

If I owned a comic book shop, I would have the first six issues of Omega Men displayed proudly behind the counter because the covers are fantastic. Then I would point out how everybody should probably be buying The Omega Men from my store. Then I would make fun of all of the other comic books they've purchased. Then they would never shop at my store again. Then I would go bankrupt. Then I would write a note saying, "I regret nothing except the fact that I was too stupid to regret anything and make some serious changes in my life!" Then I would hang myself from the rafters. Then I would be found months later because nobody shopped at my comic book shop anymore because I committed the cardinal sin of critiquing their purchases.

I'm not a great businessman.

Apparently Primus, Tigorr, and Kalista were not killed at the end of the last issue when they were ambushed inside the Church of Changralyn. They've been captured instead which seems like something terrorists don't want to happen. I guess their living suicide bomb Kyle didn't manage to go off when the first responders arrived. It's also possible they have a different plan for Kyle but it doesn't involve drawing comic books so they needed to get into a position to retrieve his ring.

Or the entire movement could just be a viral campaign to sell more breakfast cereal.

Kyle Rayner is currently getting the bomb removed from his throat while the rest of the Omega Men (minus Scrapps and the Doc who escaped, and Broot who died and went to hell (maybe?)) are being questioned as to why they needed him for their terrorist activities. That's probably a mistake. It's possible The Citadel didn't get the memo that this comic book has been allowed to run twelve issues which means letting The Omega Men live for any reason is a bad idea. Although people in power are generally filled with the kind of hubris that makes them think things like, "This comic book is going to last another six issues. So I guess I have six issues to torture the Omega Men before I kill them since they certainly will not escape our clutches at all!" Another likely scenario is that none of the characters actually know they're in a comic book at all.

Scrapps and Doc are headed for the one planet in the Vega System not under the thumb of The Citadel. The planet Hyn'xx has managed to escape well-meaning government occupation which would bring sorely needed supplies, technology, protection, civilization, and a general sense of safety and well-being by erecting a shield around their planet to keep everybody away. No wait. That's the planet Voorl! The planet Hyn'xx is the one where everybody was allowed to do whatever they wanted to do because they knew about bread and buttering the right side and maybe also sucking government cock and showering it with loads of the local currency and precious metals. But the planet isn't what Scrapps and Doc are interested in. They're just following a radio signal being emitted by the locator that was placed in Kyle Rayner's neck. And that signal leads them right to the satellite headquarters of the leader of The Citadel. I forget what he's called. Probably Imperator or Emperor or Perfectly Legitimate Democratically Elected Leader.

I bet Gandhi would have secretly loved this book.

Scrapps invades the space station as Kalista remembers the time she recruited Scrapps, Primus and Tigorr remember when they were recruited by Kalista, and Kyle Rayner prays. It seems as if Kalista's plan for the total destruction of The Citadel began to seriously manifest after she met Scrapps. And it seems Scrapps told her what really happened to Voorl. It's beginning to sound a lot like planetary genocide and less like total resistance. And possibly only Scrapps escaped. Can she be the new Lobo?

Scrapps rescues the Omega Men while murdering a lot of good government soldiers. They need the key and Kyle Rayner to enact their plan (and probably Rayner's White Lantern ring) but Kyle has escaped thanks to the power of prayer. Or maybe the power of struggling with his bonds and breaking free due to increased adrenaline and overloading systems? Whatever. I'm sure either way it was a miracle and the will of God.

I'm actually glad Kalista makes a point of acknowledging that this is all just their plan gone completely fubar as they try to salvage it the best they can. It's kind of refreshing to have a leader without a plan that only an omniscient being could have really pulled off. Tom King understands the crutches of comic book writing tropes and refuses to be a part of the system. He's like...well, I can't think of something to compare him to but I'm sure it's staring me right in the face.

As the space station falls out of orbit, The Omega Men search for Rayner while Rayner, presumably, searches for his ring. He knows it's on the finger of Lord High Dildo. The ring is probably the only thing that will save the terrorists at this point. Do I want the terrorists to survive? I'm not sure I've seen enough violence and destruction to be convinced that their world is better than a world where I'm constantly told that I'm safe as long as I continue to not complain about how shitty the people in authority treat everybody else. Best to just stick my nose in books and video games and pretend the rest of the universe doesn't exist and cannot intrude to damage my perception that everything is perfectly fine.

The space station crashes into the planet's surface. It was a partially controlled descent which is the excuse I'm making up to believe that everybody survived. It might not look like they all survived but Kalista is speaking when Kyle Rayner finds her to explain that it's their chance to get away while the terrorists are unconscious and probably not dead at all because The Omega Men don't have that many members to burn through in the first half of the story. Kyle apparently still buys the whole Kalista is a hostage nonsense. So the bomb comes to Kalista and now she can finish her plan if she doesn't die from internal bleeding first.

The Omega Men #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. I've been reading all of DC's comics for the past four years now and I've come to this conclusion: comic books should stop with the open-ended series business. Giving a writer a job where all they really need is a title or premise or character as the premise for their ongoing book just encourages them to vomit up any old bullshit story they can think of to make their deadlines. Sprinkle in some nonsense hooks that may or may not play out during each story to make the reader believe more is going on than just an overpowered fist fight and a writer thinks they're doing a great fucking job. I'm more than a little bit sick of reading what amounts to writing an essay the night before it's due. I suppose I can choose to read more actual books, or more independent comic books, or just watch movies! But I like mainstream superhero comic books. Unless I just like writing shit about them? No, I think I really like them for some reason I can't quite make up. I just want more mainstream superhero comic books like The Omega Men. I want stories which have been plotted out and which take place in fleshed out worlds with motivated characters. I want less books like Cullen Bunn's Aquaman and more books like Tom King's anything he writes. Or more books like the original twenty issues of Elfquest! Maybe the real problem is that I'm not fangendering correctly. I'm supposed to not give a shit about the story and just love characters so much that I buy whatever they appear in and then bitch and moan constantly when a writer isn't writing them to my perceived notion of the correct way to write the character. I think, maybe, I want too much from the medium. Maybe I should just reread everything by Chris Ware.

The Omega Men #5

In DC Comics' 1985 version of Who's Who, all of the Omega Men are listed as having the occupation of "freedom fighter." That's just a liberal, candy-ass way of saying terrorist! How dare 1985 DC explicitly tell me which side of the conflict I should be on by labeling them as freedom fighters. They're terrorists now and they were terrorists back then and I'm going to believe The Citadel is trying their best to keep the citizens of all the worlds under their protection safe! From what I've read, I can't see any reason to side with a bunch of violent maniacs and flagrant rules violators like The Omega Men! I suppose I could take Starfire's account of The Citadel into my decision of which side to root for but how reliable can her opinion be when she was completely hopped up on drugs?! I hope this is the issue where those Omega Men get what's coming to them! And by that I mean bullets! Lots and lots of bullets!

The Omega Men are currently on Changralyn, Broot's home planet, to return Kalista to her father in exchange for a cube of chocolate. Unless it's a valuable artifact or a key or a puzzle cube. The people on Broot's home planet hate him as much as the Jewish people hated Jesus. That'll happen when you're brutally honest with people's beliefs. They get all bent out of shape and call you arrogant and get pissed at you for climbing up in the pulpit and interrupting the priest's sermon by pointing out how God doesn't actually exist and they throw you out of church and call the police to arrest you for trespassing. Totally unfair.

The cube of chocolate holds within it the Key of Alpha. It's the key to salvation! It's a magic key that allows the bearer a free pass into heaven no matter how many sins they've committed. It's also, apparently, a sham. Hidden inside an unbreakable piece of chocolate, it gives believers something to believe in. It allows them to masturbate frequently while still believing that someday before they die, they'll break that piece of chocolate, take the key, and walk right into heaven with their dicks in their hands! When Omega sees that key, all he'll be able to do is roll his eyes because he'll also see the Key of Alpha dangling from a Prince Albert. Boom! In your face, eternal justice!

Oh, sorry! The chocolate was just payment to attempt the breaking of the stone! The Omega Men couldn't afford the price so they kidnapped Kalista to get her dad to pay it. I totally knew what was going on the whole time like a reasonably intelligent person!

Broot beats at the rock for hours when Doc, in orbit around the planet Changralyn, reports that The Citadel Army has not arrived at the planet. No, they were already on the planet waiting to ambush the Omega Men. That probably means if any dung is left after throwing it at Broot on his way in, it's going to hit the fan. Doc's advice is that they hurry up and finish the ceremony so that everybody can leave while still breathing. The only problem is Broot is having a tough time breaking the unbreakable rock with his bare fists. Wussy.

Broot finally falls to his hands and knees, defeated. But his dad, the Pontifex of Changralyn, decides he proved himself enough to get his old name back and to be forgiven and to be welcomed back home. It sounds like that was part of the deal to trap the Omega Men in the temple. Sort of how Lando Calrissian sold Han Solo to the Empire in exchange for keeping his city. It seems to me that deal didn't work out so well for Lando. I bet the Pontifex winds up fucked too!

Time for the bomb to do its duty!

The Pontifex explains to Broot how the rock is a total trick to keep himself in money, power, and super hot rock pussy. Unless he's into little gravel peens? Whatever. He tells Broot the church is corrupt. But I bet Broot still believes! And he's going to break that fucking rock the church was built on and tear it all fucking down around them!

Which, you know, he totally does. He gives the rock one last smash and discovers the key. It's a little squashed version of the Jesus fish. Or the letter "R". Or an Egyptian eyeball. Whatever it is exactly, The Pontifex wants it! It proves everything! Or something. I don't know. I doubt it's worth much to the Pontifex when all the other people in the temple saw Broot uncover it. Although with all of his newly bribed treasure, he can have them all killed!

Broot tosses the Key of Alpha and Tigorr tosses Scrapps so that she can catch it and break through a window and escape the temple. The rest of the Omega Men are all about to die and Scrapps herself might not survive the fall. It looks like the omega for the freedom fighters! I mean terrorists!

Fuck yeah.

The Omega Men #5 Rating: No change. Spirituality is a single person's experience of the divine. Religion is other people's faith in that one person's experience. I suppose in this case, the initial experience that was the catalyst for the Church of the Omega was based in some kind of fact because Broot just proved at least one piece of the church's religious dogma true by finding the Key of Alpha. Finding the key could break the church since the Pontifex was not a believer and now he must question his place in things now that the religion he used for his own benefit was proven to be true. Even if Broot had not found the Key, it would have meant the destruction of the church. What I've learned is that if you're going to base a major part of your religion on an unbreakable rock, make sure that fucking thing is really unbreakable! And for all those people taking their religion second hand? You're being fucking used. Make up your own mind on the interpretation of your religious texts. Read The Bible yourself. Or the Quran. But not the Book of Mormon. Jesus Christ, please don't read that one.

The Omega Men #3

Save the princess. Save the...why the fuck is Heroes coming back? That show had enough chances that they blew spectacularly.

Last night, I saw an article entitled "Black and Unarmed" on the front page of The Columbian, a Vancouver, Washington, newspaper. The article was by three writers from the Washington Post which means it was perfect for a Washington paper, I guess. I mention that the article wasn't original to The Columbian only because it makes it unclear which ass-sprites were responsible for the subheading between the article's name and the body of the article. The sub-header went like this: "Since Michael Brown died a year ago, police killings of unarmed people have hit black men disproportionately." And people wonder why print media gets no respect anymore. That statement is, at best, poorly constructed, and at worst, racist and ridiculous. First off, Michael Brown did not simply die. Don't fucking construct a passive sentence out of somebody who was murdered. At the very least, if The Columbian (or the Post! Who the fuck knows when one paper relies on articles by other papers to fill space!?) thought the word "murdered" was too controversial for their audience, they should have said he was killed. And the rest of the statement is just preposterous. "Police killings of unarmed people" should not be a casual statement followed by who the killings are "hitting" disproportionately. How about making that proportion zero to zero? Also, stating it as if police have only begun killing more unarmed black men since Michael Brown's departure from the mortal coil suggests that it was Michael Brown's decicion to stop living that has caused the uptick in black men's deaths at the hands of police officers. I'm pretty sure that before Michael Brown's cute naptime shenanigans, police killings of unarmed people was a perfectly proportionate pie chart of black men, white women, Hispanic babies, and Japanese diplomats. A year and a day ago, the header probably would have read "Police killings of unarmed people have hit white men disproportionately," and I mean the good kind of disproportionately in that case!

The media is full of assholes and idiots and failed writers who somehow still consider themselves writers when they're really just glory-holes for their corporate erections.

Enough of Earth propaganda, let's see some of the Citadel's now! I'm more willing to believe The Citadel's propaganda though because those Omega Men are horrible terrorist monsters. Just like the propaganda says!

The issue begins by making sure the reader knows the Princess of Euphorix is a mean jerk with delusions of kindness.

Speaking of mean jerks with delusions of kindness, why did The Beast's curse end when somebody else could learn to love his hideousness? Belle did all the work! I guess somebody loving you is proof that you're, ultimately, not a monster and must have exhibited enough decently shallow traits to fool the other person into sucking your monstrous cock. Not that Belle did that! She's a Disney princess! They only do weird things like shack up with Dwarves and use mice as Ben Wa balls in an innocent and non-sexual fashion.

The Princess is on the planet of Euphorix because The Omega Men had to leave Ogyptu in a hurry. I think leaving Ogyptu is supposed to make them like Moses or something. Now they're going to wander the Vega System for forty years before finally returning to their homeland which will be The Citadel's headquarters. I can't wait for Issue #480 to read about it!

Come to think of it, The Omega Men could use another woman on the team. And I'm disliking this Princess as much as those other terrorist scumbags, so she should fit right in! Plus her name seems to be "Princess" and she's a princess! She's perfect for the team.

The Princess has no love for The Citadel. They transported her and her people to the Vega System and stuck them on Euphorix where her father became king. The earlier scenes showing her trying to be kind in the only way she knows how and trying to erode her vanity even in the face of sycophantic servants suggests that she isn't in any way at fault for being part of these colonial oppressors of Euphorix. She began training in swordplay when she was six which means she's been inculcated to believe a bunch of crappy things. I bet The Omega Men will help her to become a better person and a great big fat terrorist to boot!

Breakfast!

Tigorr has come to save the Princess. This must be the eighth castle he's stormed! Unless he cheated and used a warp. I used to be able to beat the arcade Super Mario Bros. on one quarter without using warps. I spent a lot of my teenage years in a 7-11! My first year of college, I mastered the Willow game and could play it to the end on one quarter as well. My social life rocked and rolled.

The Princess and Tigorr battle across two pages and then the Princess tells a joke and I fall in love with her. Unless I fell in love with Tigorr. Maybe I'm just into them both and only when they're together and bleeding? Lust is weird.

The Princess stabs Tigorr through the neck and he collapses. Doctor Robot is going to have more neck surgery in his future! Well, well, well, Tigorr will be feeling fine. But first The Omega Men need to rescue him from The Princess. The next challenger is Snark. Was that her name? Snark? Or was it Scrappy Doo? I can't remember.

To get to the battlefield, Broot and Scrapps invent this move where the big one throws the smaller one! They should come up with a name for that move! Like the Catapult Special or something.

Scrapps shoots down Princess Kalista (we should just call her "Princess" since what does a "Kalista" do? That name doesn't fit the mold of The Omega Men!) while Princess throws her sword and takes out Scrapps. I hope Doctor Robot has prepared enough LSD for this many patients. The Princess's guards rush in but so do Broot and Primus, so everything works out in the end for somebody. The good guys, I think? Or are they terrorists?! I'm just so torn! I don't know who I'm supposed to root for! Although I guess I should root for whoever's side the Princess joins because she swoons my nether regions.

I have an idea for a new Birds of Prey comic book! Scrapps, Maps, Vampire Tig, and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5! Is that how you pitch a comic book to DC? You just list characters you want to use? Sometimes it seems that way, amirite?

Doctor Robot fixes everyone up so nobody will have to go without cereal tomorrow morning. The Princess is thrown in the brig with Kyle. That's where members of the Omega Men who don't realize they want to be members yet have to sleep. Princess and Kyle have a conversation. It's a really cute conversation. It's one that I'd usually scan and then ruin with a stupid comment. Instead I'm just going to say that the conversation is worth the price of the comic book. And even if it wasn't, you still get all the other great stuff that makes this comic book worth more than the price of the comic book.

After the Princess and Kyle begin to become friends, Primus calls for The Princess so they can have sexual relations. Don't worry, the sexual relations are her idea.

This scene needs less Primus and more Scrapps.

I need to use the term "vulgar" more often! This is why people don't recognize the heroic work I'm doing here! They don't notice the sublime beauty of my thoughts or the terrible justice of my words or the generosity of...well, maybe I'm not that generous in any kind of way at all. But it's because I'm so horribly vulgar! I'm written off as an uncouth, unsubtle, probably misogynist and very possibly racist scumbag! But it's just because everything about my writing is a vulgar fog hiding from most readers the shining light on the hill which my intellect truly is! The poor saps!

The Omega Men #3 Raring: +1 Ranking. Tom King is appropriately named because he is the current Uncle Tom of comics. I mean King! He's the King of Comics! Stupid fingers! Stop listening to the part of my brain that loves whim!

The Omega Men #2

Hasn't anybody told The Citadel what happens when you assure? You make an ass out of you and re.

How come I never learned in school how quickly a healthy metabolism is supposed to turn a meal into a bowel movement?! I had a 7-11 Red Hot Burrito on Friday morning and it exploded out of me on Sunday afternoon. That seems like a long time! And I know that burrito was the culprit because that particular burrito does that to me over 75% of the time! I know, I know! I'm not learning not to eat it! But it's also the only thing I eat that destroys my system. Usually my bowel movements are quick and healthy for some reason! I think it's because I rarely eat meat. Which is probably why that beef burrito with extra spicy chemical poop-loosener beats me every time! I bet the self-loathing generated from eating a meal out of a 7-11 doesn't help.

Oh! I think I know the answer to the question that began the last paragraph! I never learned that fact because I was a stupid literature major! I wish George Eliot just once had a character that specialized in bowel movements! Then I might know what I want to know! Stupid George Eliot!

Last issue, The Omega Men ran away from a fight like a bunch of cowards. Sure, they would have been slaughtered if they'd stayed to fight and some people might think of their decision as wise. But I still would have thought highly of their bravery had they killed themselves in a hopeless battle against an endless host of foes with superior firepower. Now I have to read a comic book about a bunch of scaredy cats (that was a jab at Tigorr! For those not familiar with The Omega Men, Tigorr is a ferocious tiger who may or may not be moonlighting as a spokestiger).

The issue begins with the Viceroy of the Citadel visiting the Governor of Ogyptu, the planet of pleasure and meditation and raking rocks and happy endings. They have a contract between them that sounds like it was written up by the Mafia or an American cell phone company. In exchange for The Citadel's protection, the Pleasure Planet had to agree to certain conditions. One of those conditions was that if a member of the Citadel is killed on the planet, one hundred residents of the planet must be executed in penance. And since thirty-nine Citadel soldiers died in the raid trying to capture The Omega Men last month, 3900 citizens of Ogyptu need to be killed. Yeesh. The planet didn't really look big enough or crowded enough to handle that kind of loss of life! But I suppose as the protectors of the local galaxy, the Americans' Citadel's demands must be met!

Meanwhile the cowardly Omega Men are busy placing a bomb in Kyle Rayner's neck. That'll teach Kyle Rayner! I don't know what it will teach him but I'm sure he'll learn a lesson from it somehow. Like maybe don't start dating the exes of your friends immediately after they break up. Or how about don't go out and find more Guardians after Sinestro took care of your Guardian problem. Or maybe don't be the best Green Lantern ever when there is absolutely no reason you should be better at Lanterning than Guy Gardner who is the best at everything including being an attractive woman.

The negotiation between the Viceroy and the Governor take place in Narration Boxes laid over Kyle Rayner's implantation surgery. It's some of the best stuff I've ever read that I didn't write myself. It has all the hallmarks of great dialogue. Quotation marks. Occasional changes in speaker. Other things that are important to good dialogue. It's so good! You should probably go out and buy this comic book just for the first three pages alone! And then, since you already bought it, go ahead and read the rest. Aside from every character being named after what they do, it'll probably be pretty good.

As Kyle recovers from surgery, he wakes up speaking Spanish. I'm not surprised I didn't know Kyle was Spanish because the only thing I ever knew about Kyle was that he was a comic book artist and that he kept his yogurt next to his girlfriend. But it turns out he's 50% Spanish just like me! Oh my God! I finally have representation in a comic book! Plus I get a chance to translate his Spanish with my half-ability to translate Spanish!

Panel One: "Angel of God. What am I? Your janitor? How about you take these divine goodies of mine and eat them, ha? May the Illuminati's dirigibles protect me!" Panel Two: No Spanish here. Just the governor asking 4000 citizens to surrender themselves to death. Unless, you know, they'd rather join The Omega Men! Panel Three: "In the numbers of the San Diego Padres, the son, and the ghost of Santa Claus. Ramen."

I bet some of the citizens being gathered for execution are named things like Fasty and Piloto and Good Conversationalist. They're the ones that would be good on The Omega Men! And now's the time to join a terrorist group of freedom fighters to overthrow the imperialist colonial dogs! I don't think this comic book has any secret messages about certain countries trying to impose their ideals and their will on certain other countries at the expense of the people within those countries that are already hated by the people in power. It's just a comic book! And we all know comic books are stupid bullpoo meant for kids! Look at the colors!

Primus (the leader of the Omega Men! Nobody else could be chosen when one of the team's name was Primus! It would be ridiculous if he were second in command!) tells Kyle that he must work with the Omega Men now or they'll incessantly call the iWatch they've placed inside of his neck and he'll forever hear that awful Apple ringtone! And everybody around him will constantly be checking their iPhones and iWatches because they're all trained like Pavlov's guinea pigs (which were dogs). Primus needs Kyle's help to rescue the 4000 people about to be slaughtered by the Viceroy and his toadie, the Governor. I'm glad I don't have to try to remember their names! It's easier to just remember their titles. I bet nobody every forgot Father of the Preamble Gouverneur Morris's name! Although nobody could ever spell it correctly.

The Viceroy's ship (shaped like an Omega because, I guess, the Romans were actually from the Vegan system) is piloted by a Changralyn (get it? Like Shangri-La! Whatever that is! I think it's like Neotopia or something) who needs to attend prayers while on the planet. But guess who else is a Changralyn? You'll never guess! It's Brute! I mean Broot!

I don't need your stinking forgiveness if it means I wind up murdered! Which it does! Jerk!

Kyle wants to save the people about to be executed but he had to leave his ring with the Citadel to enter the Vegan System. Primus is trying to teach Kyle the difference between terrorism and rebellion but he's a tough nut to crack having grown up in America where rebellion is only good if you're of America or her interests. Anything else is just monsters killing for no reason whatsoever! And now Primus has to convince Kyle that The Omega Men are on the right side. They're fighting for the rights of the Ogyptuans. They're fighting for freedom. At least that's what he says! He could be a terrorist in which case he's lying!

Broot and Tigorr take the robe of the Viceroy's pilot and try to sneak aboard the Viceroy's ship. Things fall apart but I don't know why because everybody is speaking in a font of gibberish.

They must be discussing nutritious breakfasts.

Scraps is hiding inside the body of Doctor Robot (no one can succeed like Doctor Robot!). She kills some guards while being cute and funny in that way that cute and funny works when people are being murdered. It's a difficult thing to pull off but I hear Napoleon was pretty good at it too. After the fighting, killing, and snappy rejoinders are done, The Omega Men steal the Omega Ship because it's fitting, right?! How could they not own it?!

After stealing the ship and picking up Kyle, The Omega Men do what they do best: flee like cowards! Kyle is all, "Dammit! I can't even check my texts on this watch!" And Primus is all, "We would have died if we had tried to save the 4000 already doomed by The Cita...what? Oh, you don't care about that, hunh?" And Kyle is all, "Hey Doctor Robot? Are you an Omega Man?" And Doctor Robot is all, "Shh. Shh. Of course I am. Stop being so stubborn and accept that you're one of us too." And Kyle is all, "I'll show you! I'll turn my Omega symbol into a Green Lantern symbol! Ha ha! You'll never own me! iWatch or no iWatch!"

The issue ends with a quote by William James about why people pray and I'd say it's pretty apt. It is this: "Many reasons are given why we should not pray. Others give reasons why we should pray. Very little is said of the reason we do pray. The reason is simple: We pray because we cannot help praying." I mean, sure, we can't help praying because we've been acculturated in a world that makes even atheists scream "Jesus Christ no!" just before they're hit by a bus.

The Omega Men #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you are not reading this comic book then you are not reading this comic book. I don't envy that position because it is a very good comic book indeed.

The Omega Men #1

This comic book looks interesting, so it's already better than a large percentage of comic books on the shelf. Although it doesn't look quite as interesting as the Alice In Wonderland comic book with the upskirt shots of the huge breasted Alice.

The Divergence Eight Page Sneak Peek of this comic book seems like it was pretty important to the overall comic book. But I'm going to ignore it for now and just dive in like everybody who bought this comic book because the cover was so cool but hadn't read the terrific eight page Sneak Peek in the pages of Convergence: Batman and Robin #2.

I never read The Omega Men back in the eighties when nobody I knew was reading The Omega Men. I had an aversion to comic books that didn't have any characters that I already recognized from somewhere else. It didn't take long before I stopped feeling that way but back when I first began reading comic books, strange characters on the cover and the issue number being too high were dealbreakers. Now I'm older and my passions and opinions have been worn away by time, experience, heartbreak, and too many Oreo cookies. I'll pick up and read anything as long as it gives me a few moments free from excruciating and unbearable contemplations of my own mortality.

The first thing I notice is that Tom King and Barnaby Bagenda continue the same cinematic style they used in the Sneak Peek (I know! I know! I'm not ignoring it at all!). The sense of movement and time across panels could teach Tony S. Daniel a thing or two or five billion about pacing. The general layout of each page is the old Giffen Brady Bunch layout of nine panels which makes for a lot of room to establish a sense of time and rhythm to the story. I'm sure most artists prefer less panels so they can just get to drawing big, sweeping movements. I can see how this style, and slow pacing across many panels, might bore an artist since they have to draw many similar panels across every page. I rarely mention the art in these commentaries but I just want to acknowledge Bagenda's time and effort here. It's very much appreciated. I'm only three pages in (plus the Sneak Peek!) and it's one of the most cinematic experiences of any comic since The New 52 began. I wish more comic books took advantage of the many paneled page instead of just throwing three page width panels full of disparate actions which the reader has to stitch together in their mind (if they're even able! Remember the initial issues of The New 52 Hawkman?! Those fight scenes were impossible to understand).

The comic begins with The Citadel searching for The Omega Men. They're the bad guy dissident rebel scum! I think I'm supposed to support them but that feels icky and gross because they're vile insurgent terrorists trying to destabilize the status quo! I'm choosing to root for The Citadel because I'm a patriot and a supporter of inculcated regimes that base their system of governance on outdated modes of thought, a pretend concern for the masses, and policy that allows them line their pockets with scads of cash!

The Citadel's troops have landed on Ogyptu, the world of pleasure and contemplation, and have raided a building of worship. They seem to have a lead on The Omega Men's secret headquarters where they filmed the execution of Kyle Rayner (in the Sneak Peek!). The search leads them to a trap door hidden under a carpet in the back room. Now The Omega Men will pay for their crimes! Ha ha!

I've changed my mind! The Omega Men are cooler than the pink faced guy! Go murdering terrorist rebel scum! Defeat America! I mean The Citadel!

Tigorr crawls out of the hole in the floor all bloody and badass which is when the person in the robes pulls some staple guns and blows a hole in the head of Mr. Pink. I flipped back to the first page at this moment and realized what was going on in the first set of panels. Mr. Pink is going through a bunch of flash cards practicing his English (or Interlac or Intergalactic Cosmic Standard or whatever) so he can say things like "Where are the Omega Men?" and "We are friends" and "We will not hurt you." You know, things he wouldn't normally know how to say because he's part of the police force for The Citadel.

In the ensuing, inevitable slaughter, Nick Lachey tells me all about the difference between the two Twix bars. I mean, the reader is introduced to The Omega Men. There is Primus who is probably the leader because he has a beard. But he's a reluctant leader in that he isn't happy about the slaughter; he just knows it's necessary to battling The Citadel. Doc is the robot that can tell whether or not a creature with an exploded head is dead. Tigorr is the big cat that tears people apart. Broot is the big blocky guy who smashes things. I mean, um, maybe not smashes because that could get into a weird copyright or trademark issue with that other company. Maybe he deconstructs people and things in a thoughtfully violent manner. Scraps is the tiny female with the anime hair and the lip piercing who is probably scrappy. And that's it for now. There are probably more because I bet they have an entire squadron of freedom fighters who aren't terrorists at all.

If Primus is nonviolent and this is the first time he's killed (or participated in this kind of killing), then that means Kyle Rayner is definitely still alive somewhere.

Coming to the conclusion that Kyle Rayner isn't dead isn't really going out on a limb. But realizing he's alive through the context and characterizations provided by the writer and artist is more satisfying than just being a comic book nerd and going, "PSHAW! *sputter* Of course Kyle Rayner is alive! Comic book characters don't die! Duh! I could have told you that when I was two!" Ugh. Fuck you, comic book nerds!

The Omega Men realize they need to get the heck out of Alien Dodge before The Citadel send an army after them. They escape through some tunnels with a footlocker that keeps thumping because there is probably somebody secret inside of it! I hope it's a naked lady and not a White Lantern!

Um, forget armies. The Viceroy of The Citadel simply bombs the hell out of the building in which The Omega Men had been hiding. Good thing they had tunnels through which to escape!

As The Omega Men escape through the tunnels, they check on "the bomb" which is the thing in the footlocker. And it isn't a naked lady. It's that stupid Kyler Rayner. Lame! Now I have to ask Lord Google for some naked ladies!

The Omega Men Rating: Ten Non Terrorist Freedom Fighters in the Right and Not Evil At All out of Ten! It's a perfect book! Except for its lack of naked ladies! Although some people might find that a plus! Like maybe heterosexual ladies! Seriously though. Everybody should pick up this book because it is good and will be getting gooder. Perhaps it might even get gooderest!