Thursday, May 1, 2014

Superman #30

Oh goody! Ed Benes is doing the art! You know what that means?! CHEESECAKE JIMMY OLSEN!

This issue begins with Scott Lobdell and Ed Benes both doing what they do best! Lobdell completely Lobdells the first page with twelve Narration Boxes and a static image that screams, "Scott Lobdell doesn't know how to start a fucking story!" And what is that static image drawn by Ed Benes? Boobs! Great big nearly naked titties! These guys are doing their best work here!

Who do the breasts belong to? Who the fuck cares! They aren't Superman's or Lois's or Jimmy Olsen's! Hell, they're not even Perry White's! It's just some woman hanging out with some man on Honeymoon Island which--and I'm quoting the fuck out of that genius writer Scott Lobdell now--"some people insist is one of the most beautiful beaches in the world." He probably meant most beautiful islands but why quibble about that when there's going to be so much more to complain about later!

I'm sure we're not going to need to know anything about these two people because they're probably about to be killed by Doomsday.

This is the best part of the first four pages. When Lobdell uses "choses" instead of "chooses." He also doesn't know the difference between The Arctic and Antarctica, and thinks that a century is 1000 years.

I'm sure Lobdell was proud of his little four page short story about Alistair and Jane. It was a magnificent commentary on dysfunctional relationships and the brevity of happiness. I applaud his talents. But now that the inconsequential introduction is over, Lobdell has to begin his story all over again by introducing Sam Lane and Narration Boxing pertinent facts about his history and his character! Like how he's witnessed strange things! And how he's spent most of his life in the military! And how he survived being in the heart of two suns! And how he was from Tamaran. And how he once visited a village of long dead people that suddenly weren't dead! And how there's this mysterious thing called The Tower! And how his daughter is Lois Lane! And how he witnessed a tear in the time/space Omninuum! But now he's in Smallville and he's stupefied like he's never been stupefied before! He's super stupefied!

Sam Lane is visiting Smallville because all of its residents have fallen into comas. And that means Superman has to make an appearance too! And how does Scott Lobdell introduce him?! You guessed it! Mid-comic Lobdelled opening!

So Superman thinks an assault on Smallville is a compliment to the Man of Steel?

Notice how Scott Lobdell captures the precise attitude of the longtime beloved character of Superman? How Superman is less concerned about his hometown friends and what he can do about it and more concerned with demanding a short and succinct explanation in a very threatening manner. You'd think he'd want accuracy as opposed to brevity! But who am I to know how Superman would react? Scott Lobdell is the professional!

Superman investigates and discovers The Eradicator who challenges him to a game of Squash. If Superman defeats him, he'll get to unmask him! But Superman probably won't defeat him because The Eradicator is made up entirely of Kryptonite. Which Superman fails to notice somehow before flying right up to him and losing all of his powers.

The Eradicator turns out to be a completely apathetic piece of shit. He's been sitting around in a silo just waiting to tell Superman that Earth will be destroyed by Superman. How does he know that? Fuck you! He just knows! He throws Superman into space and then exits stage left.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane is still psychic.

Even when you think Scott Lobdell is writing the worst shit he can possibly write, he goes and writes even worse shit. Bloody shit. Shit with bits of cancerous flesh clinging to it.

Scott Lobdell decides to dedicate a single panel to showing the Fortress of Solitude. But he's horrible at geography, so he decides not to say exactly where the structure is located. Instead he says "atop the world." Since he doesn't know if the Arctic or Antarctica is "atop the world," this is probably his best bet for not looking like a complete asshole. I mean, a bigger, more complete and well-rounded asshole.

Cat contacts Clark about their website because she'd hate to rebrand it after how popular it became due to one big story that just fell in their laps. You know what would have been better than worrying about rebranding a shitty site that will never be visited again? Selling it for thirteen million dollars, you dumb journalist. Journalist is one of the worst words I can think to call a person. Perhaps only Local Newscaster is more insulting.

And then Cyborg reports to Superman that he may have found a lead on Doomsday.

Actually, there are other and, more importantly, more accurate ways to say it. Destroyed. Obliterated. Demolished.

Superman #30 Rating: Minus how ever many ranks it takes to get it to the bottom of the heap. Probably just one rank! It can just fill the vacuum left by the cancellation of the previously worst comic of The New 52, The Teen Titans! Also written by Scott Lobdell. His writing is awful!

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