The Flash #30

In this issue of The Flash, The Flash runs.

I'm practically Van Jensen's best friend in all of the world but that won't stop me from criticizing his new take on The Flash if it demands criticism! I'm nothing if not objective even if I hurt the feelings of a really close and personal friend! It's true that I may have been lobbing softballs at Green Lantern Corps but he was new to the industry! I didn't want to discourage him as soon as he began taking his first steps on his own without the loving, guiding, softly stroking hand of Robert Venditti. Sure, Venditti is back to help Van Jensen out with The Flash but I'm sure Venditti's credit will be either "emotional support" or "adult back rubs." I just hope Van Jensen is ready for my unfiltered criticism of this month's Flash! I can be brutal! According to Gail Simone, I'm "mean and hilarious." According to most people in my life, I'm mean and hilarious. Gail is a good judge of character!

This issue begins five years in the future where The Flash is being blamed by a detective for the death of some kid (probably Wally West) because The Flash wasn't there to save him. According to this detective's logic, I'm responsible for every death in the world for the last forty two years. Why the fuck wasn't I there to save them?! Where was I? Why was I playing so much Cyberball at 4th Street Bowl in San Jose?! I'm such an unfeeling bastard!

The portrayal of this detective as an idiot is a masterful display of character creation by Van Jensen. I also sense in it a playful parody of Batgirl #1. He's taking the ridiculous trope of law enforcement blaming the good guys for not stopping all crime and turning it on its head before putting it back on its feet so it looks like he's not parodying it at all. It's so subtle in its elegance! Placing it inside the cliche opening in the far future that presents a situation that The Flash wants to change just magnifies and exposes the crutches that most comic book writers are forced to work with by editorial that demands stories open with a moment that grabs the reader and that they end with a super surprise twist no matter how "Call me One-Face!" dumb they are! Excellent skewering of the medium, Van Jensen! Brava! Err, bravo! Bravura! Or whatever!

Back in the present, Patty and Barry decide not to fuck on work premises and simply talk instead.

How does Patty interject when Barry is speaking at super speed? How does she even understand him?! How does Barry not go fucking insane waiting for everybody else to finish even just one sentence?! "Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..." "WHAT?!" (imagine the letters in "what" all smashed up together and spoken so quickly it just sounds like a fart that blows out eardrums)

Where does Barry buy clothing that can withstand the enormous wear and tear he puts it through when running at super speed? What kinds of shoes does he wear? Imagine slipping or stumbling at super speed! He might bring down a building and kill thousands of people! I once jumped up from a lying position, got dizzy, and stumbled off in the wrong direction in my house bouncing off the walls down a hallway I'd never meant to be in. Why doesn't that ever happen to Barry?! He'd probably run right through people, exploding them into patches of red mist!

Patty bought Barry a watch because he's always "losing time." The name of this issue is called "Lost Time." The watch on Iris five years in the future where she was in an accident is the same watch that Barry is putting on his wrist now. Barry's powers have more to do with time than speed, actually. Or, more to be formulaic and exact, they have to do with speed multiplied by time equaling distance.

So right off the bat, Van Jensen is setting up the theme of Barry and his inability to deal with time properly. Which means Barry doesn't have very good control of his powers. Perhaps he doesn't quite understand his powers either. Also, Patty seems to be trying to control him by attaching a time leash to him, one that will always remind him of her. That seems a bit manipulative! By setting up these themes in the opening pages, Van Jensen is showing that he, unlike Barry, has complete control of his writing powers! Not since Alan Moore have I seen a writer do so much in so few pages! Not since I found my first porn magazine in the bushes of my elementary school have I felt such an overwhelming tingling sensation in my lower abdomen! To call this Flash writing debut impressive would be to shit all over words and the entire human experience in which the concept of language was formed.

I feel kind of ashamed that I can't think of anything bad to say about Van Jensen's writing so far since I'm looking at Brett Booth's terribly cartoony art and Brett Booth is the one that said a real critique uses both good and bad feedback! He says it's an attack when there is only bad feedback. So what if I only have orgasmic, jubilant, intensely positive feedback?! What do you call that? A canonization?!

Don't forget how important time is to this story! Well placed reminder, Van Jensen!

Barry goes to see his shrink but he doesn't stick around to listen to her. Whenever she says anything, he runs off to pick up trash around Central City. I suppose she looks down at her pad and he takes off and he comes back before she can look up. And he's lucky she never looks up while he's gone. I suppose, if I were a tiny child, I could believe that he's in and out of her office before she can even notice he's gone. But to simply leave the office at that speed would cause a sonic boom and hurricane winds! Instead, nothing in the office is ruffled or disturbed. I suppose I could stop looking at it as speed and see it as Barry slowing down time. But since speed times time equals distance, it's all really the same thing. I guess if I can believe a man can run at near light speed, I should be able to believe that he can have a therapy session and clean up his city without the therapist ever noticing. I should be able to. But I can't! Not even for my best friend in all the world!

I might be willing to believe it if Brett Booth wasn't drawing Barry Allen with a tiny pinhead on top of an overly muscled body.

I used to judge The Flash comic on how many running and speed puns it had. But after thirty issues, I think I'm finally sick of them!

I really wanted to fill this commentary with lots of over the top raving and lines to Van Jensen like "Is that my penis in your mouth, or are you just happy to see me?" But I just can't do it when Barry's psychiatrist, an older lady, uses terms like "a buck seventy" when referring to Barry's weight. Also, Brett Booth can't help drawing her like he draws every other person as if they've painted their bodies to look like clothing and then put on a tie or a jacket.

Barry's psychiatrist heads into the bathroom partway through the therapy session because she probably needs to change into her super villain costume. Her name is Dr. Janus and that's a dead giveaway super villain name! She's probably the female version of Two-Face! Oh wait. McKillen is the female version of Two-Face now! I guess Dr. Janus is somebody else then!

Dr. Janus! Your super villain costume is the same as your therapist costume! You obviously don't get the point of a secret identity.

After Barry has run all over town, he notices his watch is two minutes slow. He decides it's broken because he doesn't know about the Theory of Relativity, I guess. The issue ends twenty years in the future where Barry is lamenting how his watch has fallen behind by two years and eight months and some other smaller time units as well. He seems to think he's somehow lost that time somewhere and that he could get it back somehow by saving Wally West's life fifteen years ago. But he didn't lose that time! He didn't lose any time! His watch just ran slower when he was running near the speed of light because time slows down. But he's still running around doing tons of shit across the time that he supposedly lost. Bah. Why am I even thinking about it?! It's all speculation at this point as to how he lost the time he lost anyway. I suppose the Annual will explain it all.

The Flash #30 Rating: No change. Once again, The Flash is fucking around with time! Is he going to be the catalyst for Future's End? It wouldn't surprise me since he's always fucking up continuity forever and ever. If DC really wants to never have continuity issues ever again, they should have kept The Flash character in the grave! I suppose they keep him around so that they can use him to fix up their universe whenever they think it needs to be overhauled. Although they've done the stupid Superboy's punch thing too, so I guess they don't need The Flash.