Sunday, May 18, 2014

Futures End #0

Thanks to Jenstanfield and her husband, The Angry Hero, for giving up one of their copies so that I can completely make fun of it. It does pay to sleep in on Free Comic Book Day and then beg other people for one of theirs!

The inside front cover of the Free Comic Book has an advertisement for I only mention that because it reminds me of the advertisement they had on the backs of their comic books about a year ago where they had a van with a license plate that read "SADISM" for some reason.

What?! Why?!

Here's what I figure. I'm going to assume they meant for it to say SHAZAM since they have the lightning bolt on the front. But whoever made the phone call explaining what they wanted on the license plate didn't enunciate very well and the person responsible for the picture heard "8" instead of "H". I don't know why they went for ones instead of "A"s though. I guess to be extra cutesy pie?

Anyway, fuck that advertisement. Let's see what's happening in Central City thirty five years from now! It looks like The Flash still has his own costume which is a bit different from what's happening over in The Flash twenty years from now where he has a total Brett Booth Boogie Suit. The Flash and Captain Cold have become old men (and probably lovers) which is totally weird since nobody ever ages in comic books even after thirty five real years pass. This Futures End really is breaking new ground!

"Oh God, Leonard! I broke my hip in twenty eight places and popped six hemorrhoids!"

Brother Eye watches over everything and sends his Bug People to teach them very valuable lessons that they can't learn on their own. Like how death is inevitable and pain sucks.

Brother Eye has decided to assimilate everybody because he once read this comic book called The Third Army and he thought, "They stole that from the Borg!" And then he had a brilliant, unique idea to turn everybody into cyborg bugbots!

Captain Cold is killed by Wonderbot and I suddenly lose interest in the comic book completely. Screw you, DC! How dare you kill the (I won't say coolest I won't say coolest) villain in your universe! Even if it is a fantasy fairy tale that doesn't make any kind of sense whatsoever! Seriously! Take a look at this:

Oh come on. You know he kept her vagina as well.

Oh wait! Speaking of vaginas! Look at how Brother Eye is making use of Batgirl's!

That's disgusting, DC! This was your free comic book for children?!

Frankenstein goes on to tell The Ash (that's The Flash's new name now that he's been disintegrated!) how Brother Eye has fixed the world by destroying all flesh and making everybody into Eyebots. I don't know how that fixes the world. What problem was Brother Eye trying to solve? Why did humans need to be made into robots? I hope we get some actual motivation other than "humans are a disease which must be cured. Beep. Beep. Beep. I am a robot in space!"

Meanwhile in Metropolis, John Stewart is still alive and he's teamed up with Blue Beetle. It might be Jaime or it might just be some other unfortunate sap that wound up in the armor. Like Ted Kord! Since this is a fantasy timeline, I can pretend he's back! He's probably calling this new team up The Blue and The Green even if it sounds totally stupid.

Basically, judging by the characters mentioned and seen so far in this and Futures End #1, this comic book series is where cancelled characters live out their retirement.

Firestorm is powering Brother Eye. That means Brother Eye is powered by the Slash Fiction Matrix! I bet "assimilation" is Brother Eye shorthand for "ass humiliation." Batman and Superman are probably fucking each other hard core with really horrible narration and lengthy descriptions of their throbbing cock veins.

The Blue and The Green fall rather quickly, leaving Amethyst and Grifter with little time to disconnect the Slash Fiction Matrix from Brother Eye. They're receiving orders from Batman though, so I guess Supermans huge, throbbing, Kryptonian Pleasure Sausage is throbbing all over somebody else's tight, lubed up butthole.

I'm not surprised that Batman is leading the resistance because Batman always survives. But according to Justice League International Annual #1, I thought Batman was in cahoots with Brother Eye because he was all jealous about Superman and Wonder Woman plowing the pleasure farm.

Grifter and Amethyst don't make it and, I have to admit, I get a little bit sexually excited about Grifter's death. Sorry but The New 52 Grifter was an awful book. That leaves Batman and Batman left to save the day!

I knew that asshole Bruce Wayne had a hand in this!

Bruce must die before he can go back in time since Futures End #1 begins with Batman Beyond Batman time traveling and missing the mark by seven years because his mass is different from Old Man Wayne's.

As the sixty second countdown to time travel begins, another cancelled comic book breaks into the Batcave: Batman Incorporated! They manage to cut off Batman's arm with thirty seconds left to go. I guess that's the end of everything! Only thirty five more years left and then the DC Universe is done for!

Except I already forgot about Terry Batman! He travels through time and winds up in Futures End #1 where it's already five years too late to kill Mister Terrific and stop all this bullshit from happening. Oh well! I guess another silly attempt at preventing a fake future can't be made!

Futures End #0 Rating: Here's the thing. I love alternate reality comic book stories because you get to see writers do some fucked up shit to their heroes. But here's the other thing: I fucking can't stand stories where the main character's motivations are caused by a glimpse of the future which he or she must prevent. It's just lazy! It was the biggest problem with the television show Heroes. And it's why Scott Lobdell does it so often! Because he's lazy! Anyway, I think Futures End might be some rollicking good fun. Maybe.

Oh! I thought of the other other thing! DC has already done a story about assimilation! Jeezly Crow guys! Come up with some new shit, why don't you? Or at least some shit that seems new because you're not stealing it from stories that you just published last year.

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