Friday, May 30, 2014

Red Hood and the Outlaws #31

Lobo's arm is three times thicker than Starfire's waist. And Red Hood's head is about to be flatter than her ass.

Last issue ended with the return of Lobo from the Magenta Timeline. He's recently purchased a gun that can tattoo planets and he has it in mind to tattoo the fuck out of the Earth. But first he might be forced to engage in a civil discourse with Twat Lobo about which one of them is the real Lobo. In comic books, "real" doesn't have any significance. But I assure you, this Lobo is the real Lobo! If you don't agree with me, you're wrong. It doesn't matter that you're wrong since this is a comic book and, as I just said, reality doesn't hold its form very well in the pages of comic books. But you can still be wrong in the manner of having no taste because you enjoy stupid Twat characters with poorly designed looks that say "sorry not sorry" all the time.

I think "stupid Twat characters with poorly designed looks that say 'sorry not sorry' all the time" describes three-fourths of the users on Twitter.

Why should he be scared? There's not white dwarf close enough to our solar system to fuck us if it were turned into a black hole. Perhaps he just meant the radiation from the explosion when he blows the star into fuck all. But then he really wouldn't have to mention the black hole! I don't think Lobo knows how to threaten people correctly.

This is Lobo acting cocky and telling Roy all of his plans because Lobo doesn't remember what his actual role is in comic books anymore: that of a punching bag. When a character comes along and turns out to be the biggest bad-ass in the universe, his only real career choice is to be used to prove how bad-ass the good guys are when they kick his ass. I have a feeling that's going to happen here in a few pages. Speedy is about to take down Lobo! Remember that thing I said earlier about "reality" having no place in comic books?

Speedy brings up the same point I brought up about the black hole being too far from Earth and Lobo says, "Let me finish." Fuck me! I don't want to think like Roy Harper! But then Lobo continues with his plan and it's practically the whole radiation from the explosion deal but more focused and directed through Lobo's own will. It sounds pretty fucking convoluted when he has a gun that will do the same thing to the Earth if he'd just point it at the Earth. Enough with your cosmic death ray trick shots, Lobo! This is why you get defeated! Keep it simple, bastich!

Starfire and Jason Todd arrive in time to save Roy Harper from dying immediately. But they're still going to have to save him from dying slowly since parking a space ship on Lobo isn't the end of the fight.

Why couldn't Lobo have done this to Roy?

I have a feeling a good portion of the rest of his comic book is going to be a big brawl. I'll be back to comment if it gets interesting for some reason. In the meantime, listen to some waiting room music.

Um. You'll have to take care of the music part on your end. Sorry.

Okay I'm back! You should have sat around listening to music for about five minutes if you want to recreate the experience correctly. So the battle ends with Jason Todd and Kori defeated. The only person left to save the day is Speedy! Remember that thing I said earlier about Speedy taking down Lobo? That's probably happening soon, no matter how ludicrous it might seem. Anyway, how does he save everybody?

Nanotech is another word for magic.

Roy saves the day by using his brains to reprogram Lobo's weapons and turn the weapons around on Lobo. The how or why of it doesn't really matter since we all understand technobabble and Nanogods out of machines, right? The real point wasn't how Roy excitingly defeats Lobo (because it wasn't exciting at all). The real point was about that thing you might remember I said earlier. You know, about the punching bag?

Yes, Roy defeated Lobo. He's magnificent. Is there a word that sounds like "hooray" but actually means "yawn"? That's the word I want to use here.

Meanwhile, Lobo and his henchmen were teleported somewhere across the galaxy. Lobo checks out Roy's Roybot and discovers how he pulled off his little trick by doing the same thing to his coworkers. And just like that, Lobo has a weapon to sell thanks to Speedy! That's theft of intellectual property, you jerk!

Which is basically what Twat Lobo says when he finally catches a sign of Lobo. Dammit! First I'm thinking like fucking Roy Harper, and now I'm thinking like that idiot Twat Lobo! I hate myself! Although the last page of the comic book does allow me to say this phrase one more time: remember that thing I said about Lobo and Twat Lobo engaging in civil discourse?

Sorry not sorry.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #31 Rating: No change. This was basically a typical Lobo appearance. The best part was how Lobo just kind of took it all in stride since he still wound up with a piece of technology that he could sell. The worst part was how Roy Harper survived an encounter with Lobo.

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