Wednesday, May 14, 2014

She-Hulk #4

Fucking Daredevil. We already have enough lawyer shit going on in this comic book! Go back to Hell's Kitten, why don't you?!

Fox programming would be so much better if they had programs called Kitten Nightmares and Hell's Kittens instead of the shows they actually have.

Last issue ended when her client, Doctor Doom Junior, was kidnapped from the courtroom by his father, Doctor Doom. But he never paid his legal bills! So She-Hulk is probably going to have to hunt him down this issue so she can pay her bills, most of which are for cocaine.

She-Hulk decides to take a short vacation in San Francisco because she needs law advice from Daredevil and San Francisco is apparently where Matt Murdock is currently hanging his dick. That's how you do it in The City! If you're a woman, you store your tits! No, no. Don't look it up. It's totally the correct slang for residing in The City. Believe me, I grew up there! Well, nearly there. Kind of close to there. About forty five minutes from there! That's close enough to be a native San Franciscontonian! Apparently Matt Murdock was disbarred for being a douchebag. I wonder why Perry Mason was never disbarred? It's not like he ever won a case! He'd just fart continuously while questioning the witness on the stand until they couldn't breathe and would just admit to doing the crime. That's also why he got fatter and fatter! Because he had to continuously load up on court room ammunition by shoving chili dogs and french fries in his debate trap.

No! If I wanted to read a Daredevil story, I would have purchased a Daredevil comic book!

Murdock's story is about how he and Spider-man broke out one of his clients from jail instead of letting justice fuck it up completely. His client was Felicia Hardy who I think is Black Cat or something. And that's the end of the story. Basically, his story amounted to, "I'm a lawyer but fuck that job because I'm a super hero too and I can do whatever the fuck I want with my buddy Spider-Man!"

Matt's advice is to do whatever she wants to do. And since they still have an entire night to kill after that shitty advice, they hit the town!

To beat up on black white-supremacists? The Marvel Universe is weird.

The next day, She-Hulk flies out to Latveria to get what she's owed. While there, she battles a gigantic version of Doom. Why is Doom so big? Is it just a giant Doombot remote controlled by Doom? Did Doom sit in some Gamma Rays? She breaks the giant Doom a little bit but mostly just talks with it and tells it to stop smothering its son. Doom hears her argument and is satisfied that his son should probably be let off the leash now and again. And then she's told to get the fuck out of Latveria.

I'm sure Matt Murdock can help She-Hulk exchange the Latverian Francs for money that won't make Americans scream, "Treasonous monster!" Although most Americans like to scream that phrase for many other reasons, so that still might happen.

Later, She-Hulk heads home to deal with The Blue File! It's a case in which she was named a Defendant along with a bunch of other super powered people. But Jennifer doesn't remember the case at all. So she's got her monkey and her assistant and drunk Hellcat on the case! Next issue, they'll...well, I don't know. Maybe they'll figure out what it's about or something.

She-Hulk #4 Rating: I once worked for this guy named David. He was a cousin of a cousin which basically made him some asshole I knew. He once hired a lawyer to help him with a drunk driving case and then knowingly bounced a check to the lawyer. I think he was one of those guys who lived life one problem at a time. Drunk driving? Get a lawyer? Pay the lawyer? Bounce a check! Lawyer calling about payment? Don't answer the phone! Sued by the drunk driving lawyer? Bounce another check! Or something. I have no idea what his thought processes were on solving problems. He made and installed kitchen cabinets. He actually did a really good job! And yet, he'd talk to clients and tell them he'd be at their house at a specific time knowing he'd never make that time. I asked him once, "Why don't you just tell them the truth?" And he said, "Doesn't it sound better if I say I'll be there sooner?" Fuck man. Just...just...fuck.

No comments:

Post a Comment