Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Batman Vs. Bane #1

In a discussion about Batgirl Annual #2, I learned (or perhaps made up) the fact that "vs." is an abbreviation for scissoring. Now I'm about to read this and I'm well fucking excited! Look at how badly they want to squash their man-parts together!

Batman: "BANE!"
Bane: "*unintelligible*"
Batman: "Let's rub tips!"
Bane: "*unintelligible*"
Batman: "Press your testicles against mine, BANE!"
Bane: "*unintelligible*"

Then Batman and Bane scissor for a bit until the air is filled with Venomized Cum and Batsemen.

I probably just nailed the entire plot so I'm not sure I really even need to read this now! Especially since it has that "Forever Evil Aftermath" banner across he top and I don't remember Forever Evil ever reaching its math.

So anyway, this is Part Seven of Arkham War which is now Part One Shot of Batman vs. Bane. It probably begins with Bane sitting around in his Batman Costume enjoying the mediocre life that is ruling Gotham when a Blackgate Inmate runs up to him and says, "Mr. Bane! Mr. Bane! Batman is not dead! And he's coming for you!" And then the next three pages are just filled with shitty fart noises coming from Bane's pants.

Actually it begins with Gordon thinking brain damaged thoughts due to his time as an inmate in Blackgate Prison. Unless that hasn't happened yet. Oh fuck, who cares? I already read it so it happened! I'm declaring right this minute that I don't give a fuck about continuity! If the story came out and I've already read it and an editor isn't giving me a note saying, "This story takes place after Batman Eternal somehow!", then I'm simply going to write as if everything I've read has already happened! DC can't tell me how to interpret their universe! Obviously, since I already have Batman and Bane involved in what has been, historically, a lesbian sex act. Possibly even a fictional lesbian sex act! Do lesbians actually scissor? I bet more high school wrestlers scissor than lesbians!

Gordon isn't actually brain damaged. It's just there's one single typo in his Narration Boxes which I chose to read as not being a typo at all and being how he actually thought the sentence. I'm in control here!

This is how the comic really begins.

I can't believe all the pollen in the air and I'm only on page two! Where are my sniffle papers?!

"Sniffle Papers" are what I call tissues because I refuse to buy into Corporate Branding and call them Kleenex. Although if I bought into Popular Cultural Branding, I'd probably call them Spooge Catchers. Although if you're actually jerking off into sniffle papers, you're probably using the least effective manner of clean up. Unless, for the rest of the day, you want your hands to be covered in the most disgusting Papier Mâché ever composed.

Radio DJs are back on the air in Gotham and reporting that the Forever Evil Crisis (and probably some amount of clean up time) lasted for weeks. I'm fairly certain the actual time between the Justice Leagues disappearing and the end of Forever Evil #7 was just a day or two. I don't have any proof of that time frame because instead of doing research and coming up with facts to support my theory, I've been bitching about how awful David Finch's art has been. Here's a spoiler for Forever Evil #7: Finch's art isn't any better simply because he's taken an extra two months to work on it.

People are in desperate need of supplies and a new super villain, Mr. Charity, has decided to hand out supplies to the needy. Well, the needy with money. But that's the last capitalistic mistake Mr. Charity ever makes! Because Bane is a true savior to the people of Gotham. Not like that jerk Batman who only cares about buying property in high crime areas and then cleaning up the areas as Batman so his property is suddenly worth ten times as much. No, Bane is here to protect the regular folks!

I'm sure this is one of those deal with the devil type situations and these people are going to have to pay Bane back somehow. Probably with their loyalty and adult massages.

Or possibly they're just going to pay because he's an insane monster whose sense of right and wrong is horribly twisted from growing up in a prison.

Do you think he put her out of her misery by breaking her back on his knee?

I don't think Bane understands right and wrong. He only thinks in terms of weak and strong. If you're weak, you're wrong. But he also doesn't want any "strong" people preying on his citizens. Anyway, they're not strong if they can't stand up to Bane. Now everybody needs to go around thinking "What Would Bane Do?" before acting. Although that question probably won't help people in most situations since the answer is most likely "blow something up and/or break somebody's back."

Five minutes after Alfred discovers Batman is back, The Scarecrow and a couple of Talons find out as well. Five minutes after that, the Gotham Police (hereafter referred to as "pig cops") find out. Five minutes after that, Commissioner Gordon learns the good news. Five minutes after that, Bane spends three pages panels shitting himself. Like I mentioned earlier!

If I could level up any higher than Grandmaster Comic Book Reader of Flowers, I would!

Five minutes after the huge dump fills Bane's pants, the rest of Gotham knows Batman is back. Mostly from the smell.

I can't believe this father lets his kids watch such violence and raw, homoerotic sexuality. Not because the sexuality is homoerotic! That was just a statement of fact. Mostly I'm surprised he lets his kids watch because it's so fucking raw! Batman shoving his goo spitting phallus in the face of a Talon and spraying him point blank in the mouth. Jesus Christ, this comic book is fucking hot.

Bane and Batman don't get right to the scissoring. First Bane says how he's going to make Batman kneel before him. Oooh, sexy! See how I added the "oooh, sexy" in case you missed the kneeling as a reference to getting oral sex! After that, they crash through a window because falling heroes and villains always makes for a good comic book panel. It's almost mandatory especially in a special book like this one! The hero has to plummet from a great height at some point because it's a metaphor for losing control and almost exploding on pavement. It's a shitty metaphor but there you have it.

There's a protracted battle that I think involves a little bit of scissoring at one point. It also involves Batman getting bashed in the chest with the "W" from Wayne Towers. I think that's a metaphor about how modern journalism knocks the breath out of me. The "W" stands for journalism because of the five "W"s: Who, What, Why, Where, and Whores.

This is the last shot of the fight in the comic book but judging by the way Batman is checking out Bane's butt, it isn't how the fight actually ends.

The issue ends with Wayne and Gordon having a discussion about getting the city rebuilt. My favorite part is when Wayne mentions that he was locked up in his safe room for weeks. That'll definitely throw Jim off the scent of Wayne being Batman! The fucking coward holed up in a vault eating caviar and drinking Night Train. Or possibly an even more extravagant brand of wine. It's not like Gordon is an intelligent man and in no way would ever think, "Likely excuse, Mr. Batwayne!"

Batman Scissors Bane #1 Rating: There wasn't enough Bane on Batman sex for my tastes.

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