Wednesday, May 7, 2014

New Guardians Annual #2

Does he suffer from White Lantern Guilt as well?

Apparently Carol and Kyle have decided to come back to Earth for a bit. Carol is busy dealing with a bunch of underlings that seem to think the CEO of a company actually does any work and one smart ass that thinks it's funny to quote Office Space. Making pop culture references is simply lazy writing. Kyle is busy trying to bring to life a girl drawn by a first grader. And he's the first grader.

Maybe the brain boiling destroyed his ability to draw! Although it won't destroy his career since he could always become Marat Mychaels protégé.

Carol turns on Kyle and accuses him of not being Kyle because Carol must suddenly think she's in Marvel or something.

Meanwhile in space, Kyle Rayner and the Bohemian Guardians are battling those pesky space sharks. So I guess Carol Ferris is on to something with the whole "not Kyle" thing. Kyle gets a love hunch that Carol is in trouble and decides to head back to Earth. The Bohemian Guardians try to stop him because they're getting too big for their space britches. Suddenly they think it's okay to manipulate Kyle and tell him what's best for him? I thought it would take at least a few thousand years before they began acting like the previous bunch of little blue assholes.

So Kyle heads back to Earth where he finds a Stephen King Dome over his dad's city where Carol and Not Kyle have come to set things right. Or something. I don't know for sure but aren't visits back home always to set things right? Even if the visits are initiated by your dark doppelganger?

This also happens. Dammit!

Does Carol always have to simply exist as a love interest? Fuck Sinestro getting his own comic book (especially after having read it. BORING!)! Give Carol her own comic book! Every month, she can fly around the universe being somebody else's love interest while never actually living her own life or following her own desires! That's how a woman's life is supposed to play out, right?

After the kiss, Kyle meets Not Kyle. You can tell this isn't the real Kyle because he's fucking horrible at drawing likenesses.

Look! No feet! I think Not Kyle might be Rob Liefeld!

I hate making a "Rob Liefeld can't draw feet" joke. Because in actuality, he draws feet just as well as he draws everything else. Poorly.

Not Kyle seems to be a version of Kyle from a universe that would have been if Kyle hadn't gone around fucking things up. It's possible he's left over from the time Volthoom tried to show Kyle what his life might have been like. It's also possible he's just one of those demon things like John Constantine had. You know, like the one that loved Zatanna more than John did? It's also possible that it's a new suit designed by a fan and purchased for $100 which eventually earned the company millions of dollars. Well, not a suit, actually. But some kind of parasitic alien life form.

Oh. I guess I'm wrong. Not Kyle says it isn't that. It sure looks like that, what with the tongue and all. But I guess it isn't.

It could also be a piece of Relic that escaped after learning everything there was to learn about Kyle Rayner. Or it could be one of Kyle Rayner's pubic hairs which gained sentience from exposure to the White Lantern Light. That one makes the most sense.

Kyle and Not Kyle begin to merge because isn't that the only real ending to meeting one's own doppelganger? First you react in fear and loathing. Then you begin flirting and small talk. Then dinner, maybe a romantic carriage ride. And finally, you're ass fucking yourself into nonexistence.

Kyle names Not Kyle "Oblivion" and remembers that he created him back when he traveled past the Source Wall. Whoops!

When did this become a John Barth novel?

After taking a shortcut through the Funhouse, Kyle winds up in War Games. I guess the equation on the back of the Source Wall was just a cosmic game of Tic Tac Toe because Kyle learned that the only way to win is not to play. Kyle stops fighting and then rewrites the Universal Equation in his mind. And he winks out of existence. Maybe. Or something.

Green Lantern New Guardians Annual #2 Rating: Boy are the people that hate buying Annuals but still buy New Guardians going to be confused when New Guardians #31 comes out and Kyle Rayner doesn't exist anymore!

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