Sunday, May 18, 2014

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #8

Last issue was "Chapter 1: [Infected]". This issue is "[Infected]: Chapter 2". The only consistency at DC Comics is their lack of consistency.

This issue begins with another article by Lois Lane! Let's hope somebody proofread this one.

As far as I can tell (and I'm no editor because I'm not an unimaginative asshole), Lois avoided any errors in this article. But it was still shit. This just doesn't seem to be up to the standards of an award winning journalist like Lois. I think she may have given this one to an intern to write and just slapped her name on it. It's possible! The photos were credited to Jimmy Olsen and he wasn't anywhere near Smallville during this event. I think the Daily Planet is sketchy.

Since the Fortress of Solitude wouldn't let him in, Superman decided to crash at Clark's place. Wonder Woman finds him sitting in the dark with a horrible attitude. He's also sprouted a few unsightly bony growths.

I hope he didn't eat Jimmy Olsen. That shit needs to happen on-panel!

Meanwhile, suddenly has an office full of employees. Seriously? A shitty little news blog with nothing to interest anybody except one fucking picture of Superman kissing Wonder Woman suddenly has money rolling in? How?! I can understand if they'd accepted GBN Owner Whatshisname's offer of millions of cash bills, but they didn't! They turned that shit down! And the only reason he wanted to buy the place was to shut them up. This is the most unbelievable thing I've read in a comic book so far! If it is believable then I need to figure out what the fuck I'm doing wrong. I've been at this for two and a half years and I haven't seen shit roll in! Where are my offices full of employees doing all the writing for me?! Oh wait! I do know what I'm doing wrong! It's my entire set up! This post shouldn't be called "Superman Loves Wonder Woman #8"! It should be called, "You're heart will fall out of your asshole when you see what happens at the end of these words!" And then I should just make a fucking list. "Five Sex Rituals Wonder Woman Undertakes To Survive Coitus With A Kryptonian!" Fucking average people are shit. You people! You reading this right now? You are the best! You're also a bunch of cheap bastards! You could at least message me and say, "Hey, I could lift my grandma's wedding ring and hock it if you need a little cash to help pay for comic books." But do you? DO YOU?

Cat Grant is such a dumb asshole she can't even tell when she's busy. Here's a hint, Cat: No, you are not. You run a shitty website that nobody would have ever heard about if some mystery person hadn't sent you a picture of Clark fucking Diana. Look at her. I don't think she even knows what she's holding. "Is this my lunch, Beth? Do I eat this?"

Wow. Writing that previous caption was like an epiphany! I'd forgotten how much I loved being angry at comic books! What happened to me? When did I get so nice? I think DC must be drugging my comic book subscriptions. I bet I've been dosed with ecstasy for the last six months! Fuck you, DC! I'm hiring a lawyer! And I've got a good one here in Portland! His commercials show his law office is the Legion of Doom's headquarters rising out of the swamp! At least I think it is. The X might be clouding my judgment.

Beth, the overpaid office assistant of Cat Grant, tells Cat that Clark's girlfriend is in the lobby waiting to see Cat. Cat looks...FOURTEEN! I just counted fourteen Goddamned employees in the offices of! How the fuck can they afford this shit?! has got to be a porn hub.

I thought "Clark's Girlfriend" was going to be Lana Lang just trying to get a meeting but it turns out to be even fucking stupider than that.

Of course, Cat is a complete moron. So I guess the headband that looks like a tiara is a decent enough disguise.

I guess I'm just a little bit confused about Wonder Woman and her secret identity. She never cared about having one when she was with Steve Trevor and didn't even consider one until she began dating Clark. He advised a pair of glasses. I guess Diana decided that was just stupid. I know Diana was already introduced to Clark's Daily Planet friends as his girlfriend but I thought that just meant everybody knew Clark was with Wonder Woman! Are comic book characters blind? Or are they just dumb? I think I already asked all of these questions back in that issue of Superman that was written really poorly!

Anyway, Clark blew up at Cat earlier because she's such an idiot. And then he stormed off wishing they'd taken the deal for thirteen million dollars in small bills. And that's when he went off to hide out in his apartment and turn into Doomsday. And that's just where Wonder Woman found him at the beginning of this comic book and where we're going to go back to now!

Clark is currently feeling a bit unloved.

Just before Diana confronts Clark in his apartment, Diana meets up with Lois Lane and a bunch of soldiers! It's the first time we get a glimpse at some of Diana's God of War powers as she manipulates the military men using telepathy. She also finds out that Lois Lane has a red eye glowing secret of some kind! The best part is that Lois mentions how Clark called her the previous night and mentioned something about the possibility of sticking his winky-doo in her hippy-ho. Diana doesn't get jealous because she knows she has the greatest hippy-ho on Earth but the news does cause her to worry about Clark. He really is acting like a fool ever since he killed Doomsday.

After talking with Lois, Wonder Woman meets up to have a chat with Batman. Batman did the old Batcomputer Analyzes Shit and Does Batman's Detective Work For Him Bit and figured out that Superman is becoming Doomsday. But he also determined that the shit at work in Clark's system can be resisted. Batman points out that it's too bad he hadn't been infected because he'd resist that shit in a heartbeat. But if there's anybody else on Earth that can resist it, it's probably Clark.

I think the X is really starting to kick in again because I'm beginning to think of a lot of great things to say about this comic book.

Diana convinces Clark to stop being a jerk and he reverts back to human form. For now! Next in Superman, we'll probably get a great conclusion to Doomed (if it ends next issue. I have no idea!) because it'll be handled by some writer named Scott Lobdell. Oh boy, I hope he's great since they left him for last! I can't wait!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #8 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wouldn't mind if Charles Soule wrote all of the comic books. The best review I can give Soule is that I would never use the word "contrived" when describing what he's doing. Even though all writing is inherently contrived on some level, Soule never makes it feel like he's pulling any shit out of a magic plot bag. The characters drive the scenes. And he seems to know just which scenes need to go in the story and which ones to leave out (sometimes! I think last issue he might have been a little overworked with all of his books and lawyerings because it was a bit light on the good stuff). He's a fucking natural at this shit.

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