Swamp Thing #31

How is Alec supposed to get his mind back in Swamp Thing's body and does it involve a pee hole?

Last issue ended with Alec in Pistil's body on a date with a goopy gross avatar in the body of Miki the Greek Hot Tamale. I thought that maybe Abigail had arranged to do a little Sureening to take advantage of Alec's new penis but it turns out Miki is actually the Avatar of the Grey.

This whole Avatar of the Gray thing is a bit confusing since The Rot is called The Grey over on Earth 2.

Since Fungus plays such a huge role in decomposition and is also kind of a plant (or is it more like an animal? I'm no fungus scholar!), does this mean there are subspecies of Avatar that straddle two realms? Or maybe The Gray simply squats over all three realms? The Red sort of implies creatures with blood, so would smaller creatures like bacteria and viruses fit in somewhere lower on the taxonomic chart of The Red? And do some of these subcategories contain creatures that also exist in the taxonomy of The Green and The Rot? And do they all need separate Avatars based on Kingdom and Phylum and Genus and Species?!

The reason nobody ever talks about The Grey (at least on New Earth!) is that Miki opted out of that whole Avatar life where you're constantly comparing dicks with the other Avatars. Plus she says the smartest thing I've ever heard an Avatar say: "Fungus can take care of itself." You know, I think that's true! Our world is doing just fine without Avatars! I think. We don't have Avatars, do we? I've never seen one! But then I've never seen the Easter Bunny either and I'm not ready to deny that that god exists. I bet none of the Avatars are actually needed. They're probably just a form of entertainment for long dead assholes that made up this stupid Battle of the Realms in the first place.

"I want to fuck it."

Alec is a bit squeamish about how Miki the Fungus had to basically kill every person that volunteered their body for her use. So he's not ready to kill lots of innocent people simply to exit the Avatar game and spend his life with Fungus Face over here. So it looks like he's going to commandeer the Avatar of the Gray and use it to steal back Swamp Thing's body.

Miki used to be a fun guy! Ha ha!

Once Alec transmigrates into Spore, his ex-human host regains consciousness and instantly spills all of his secrets and bowel contents. Now Alec knows where his body is and that they're using it to help people! Although at a premium price, so it's not the kind of help many people can actually use. But Alec will probably stop them anyway. We've already seen in The Seeder story arc that Alec doesn't like people helping other people.

While traveling through the stark desolation of the Fungi Kingdom, Alec senses that the residents of The Grey want some kind of organization. They long for it. This causes him to rethink how he cut The Green off from the Parliament. Damn. He's getting soft! Although if he does bring back The Parliament of Trees, it should be on his terms. So they'll be more like pets than authority figures.

Spore quickly defeats the evil Pharmaceutical Company by inflicting everybody with Athlete's Foot and Crotch Rot.

He gathers up his things and declares that he's going home.

It might be a bit too late though. The company already decimated 40% of the cropland across the world because they were going to use the Swamp Thing body to create seeds resistant to the pretend plague that just decimated grain across the world. Hopefully Swamp Thing will notice before half the population starves. Or maybe it would be better if he only noticed after half the population starved? What do I care? I eat junk food that was never grown in a field ever! I'll be okay!

Once Spore returns to the Sureen, he decides to finally fuck Miki.

Not in a sexy way. Sorry if you thought you were going to get to see Alec spore all over Miki's face.

Swamp Thing convinces Miki to, begrudgingly, take back her old role as Avatar of the Gray. I'm sure she'll be back to try and kill him in a few months. For now, she needs to relearn how to do her job. And Swamp Thing needs to fix the world.

Lastly, two last things happen. So one of them isn't technically last but fuck you. And it's better if I just scan them in instead of pretending something sexy is happening when it actually isn't.

I love that The Wolf was behind this whole mess. Wolf and Lady Weeds are going to be a lot of fun.

And Aquaman stops by to bring the credibility of this comic down a few notches.

Swamp Thing #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. High points: Fungus Avatar, Wolf's Plan. Low points: Aquaman. I was going to give this comic book a +2 Ranking but then I remembered Aquaman interrupted this comic book with his idiotic presence and just couldn't do it. Also, this comic book is quickly rising up the ranks and I need to find reasons to slow it down before it breaks through the top of the chart like a great glass elevator.