Saturday, May 17, 2014

Action Comics #31

Doomsday's penis is actually Clark Kent?

I fucked up. Last issue, I lauded DC for correctly pointing out that Doomsday was in the Arctic when Doomsday was seen strangling Polar Bears in the snow. But I should have known they'd fuck it up eventually because in Doomed #1, Aquaman (I think it was Aquaman) mentions that Doomsday has caused a 300 mile dead-zone in Antarctica. I suppose Doomsday could have also gone to Antarctica since he seems to have appeared all over the Earth for brief moments. But since DC has a history of not being able to tell the difference between the top of the Earth with the bottom of the Earth (decide for yourself which is which since, cosmically, top and bottom are irrelevant terms), I'm going to believe they fucked up. Also, when Aquaman says there is a 300 mile dead-zone in Antarctica, basically he means a lot of penguins are dead.

This issue begins with an article by Lois Lane. It's terrible but I'm going to cut her some slack because she's not in her right mind. Sure, her current mind is thousands of times smarter than her usual mind. But she's not in her right journalistic mind because she's preoccupied with helping Brainiac enslave humanity. So I'll let it slide that she used "effect" when she should have used "affect." Although Perry White isn't currently fucked up on Brainiac juice so I'm not giving him a pass on missing this! Surely he or his staff proofreads Lois's articles, right?

The article also shows the last shot of Superman after having ripped Doomsday in half with a photo credit by Jimmy Olsen. Hey! Guess who wasn't anywhere near Smallville when that happened?!

The issue begins with a few of Superman's friends and one fremesis coming to his aid in Smallville.

Are we just supposed to forget about that time Martian Manhunter turned against the entire Justice League? Will that story ever be told?

Putting Superman into quarantine after sucking down Doomsday's blood and viscera is probably a good idea. But since nobody trusts Lex Luthor or the American Government, Superman flees the scene. Batman, throwing caution to the wind, examines the sight of Doomsday's death without any kind of protective gear or a clean breathing apparatus. He then firebombs the entire sight to make sure nobody else comes into contact with the shit he just sucked up into his lungs. I'm sure he'll be okay. He's the Jeezly Crow Batman!

Superman has fled to Alaska to hang out with Krypto and beat up on some good ole boys flying planes, gettin' drunk, and shootin' wolves. Superman isn't feeling his normal self. Quite frankly, he's turning into an asshole. And, judging by the cover of Superman Loves Wonder Woman #8, he's turning into Doomsday.

Meanwhile, Steel is feeling a bit better after his run-in with Doomsday.

What is organic steel? A steel and carbon alloy? That shit isn't flexible!

General Lane approaches Steel with the task of getting Superman some help since Superman didn't trust Lex Luthor for some reason. Steel doesn't trust Lane but he might help out simply because Superman is his friend. Although bringing Superman back to Steel's Headquarters could be problematic since Metallo is incarcerated there. And Metallo is full of Kryptonite! Unless Ultraman snorted it all.

The issue ends with Superman not able to get into the Fortress of Solitude because he gave his keys away to Batman and Wonder Woman. Also because the Fortress doesn't recognize his DNA anymore. Probably because it's mostly Doomsday DNA at this point. And instead of calling the Justice League for help (because why would Doomsday do that?), Superman heads into Metropolis as Clark Kent and just pretends that everything is okay.

Action Comics #31 Rating: No change. This book needs more Krypto! Probably more Doomsday as well since it is called Doomed! and it is about Doomsday. I hope Lana Lang turns into Doomsdamsel since she stupidly took off her hazmat suit just to prove she believes in Superman.

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