Friday, May 30, 2014

Batman Loves Superman #11

Is that Rebis?!

Last issue of Doomed, Superman learned to control his rage. Normally he doesn't have any rage because he was raised by a couple of tea totaling do-gooders who taught him that rage was the devil's lubricant. But ever since Clark tangoed with Doomsday, he's been having a little trouble being happy and knowing it. But Wonder Woman convinced him that he could stop being a major dickhole if he truly believed, and so he believed. He seems better now. I guess that's the end of Doomed!

Superman's next problem is that Lois Lane basically gave the location of ground zero of Wonder Woman's battle with Infected Superman as Clark Kent's apartment. Tongues are going to wag!

This issue is called "Danger Zone" because it was written by Sterling Archer, I guess.

Hooray! The Fortress of Solitude is back in the Arctic!

Batman finds Krypto sick on the doorstep because Superman hasn't installed a doggy door. Wonder Woman and Steel join Batman so they can investigate Clark's secret things. I wonder if Batman's tongue would stick to Steel's armor?

Once inside the Fortress of Solitude, Batman decides to give up on his Master Detective Skills and follow a dog. He thinks Krypto is after Doomsday but what the fuck does Bruce know about Krypto? He could be after Kryptonite Greenies. Krypto dives into the Phantom Zone because that irresponsible Superdick left the fucking portal open. Maybe all the paranoid assholes of Earth are correct! Maybe Superman is a danger to Earth simply because he's an absent-minded asshole filling his home with loads of dangerous items. Just a matter of time before he leaves out a weapon that will wind up destroying the world.

Anyway, even though Batman and Wonder Woman know little about The Phantom Zone, they follow a sickly dog into it. Fuck them. Good riddance. Anybody dumb enough to make that move doesn't deserve to continue living in the DC Universe! Except Krypto! Come on, boy! You can find your way out! Come on! You can do it!

Okay. I guess Superman briefed his fellow Justice League members on this place. That makes stupid logic.

Inside the Phantom Zone, Batman and Wonder Woman discover Mongul and a Kryptonian named Non dry humping a huge crack in the sky. I know this is a prison world but that's some weird behavior. Wonder Woman thinks so too, so she closes the crack so she doesn't have to watch the spectacle.

I wonder where Mongul parked Warworld?

Inside the Phantom Zone, the Super Friends and their little dog make a new friend: Ghost Soldier! I know, you probably don't remember him because it's such a stupid name. Although maybe that's why you'd remember him. Superman kicked his ass in Action Comics a few issues ago. Now he's helping to stop Doomsday because he was part of The Tower that freed Doomsday. It all makes sense if you want it to and you don't have me explaining it in a way that makes it sound like it doesn't make sense.

And after making a new friend, they meet the Evil Mr. Smartypants behind The Phantom Zone's new look and feel.

Oh yeah! I keep forgetting about this jerk.

Currently Superman is sitting around with Lex Luthor staring at him over a cup of coffee. Probably. I don't really know since half of the title characters have yet to appear in this issue.

Xa-Du, being a stereotypical Evil Mr. Smartypants, decides to tell Wonder Woman and Batman how this whole Doomsday mess began. Why not? They're not going to live to escape The Phantom Zone anyway, right? WRONGO BUSTER! That's just the kind of Evil Mr. Smartypants' thinking that gets all Evil Mr. Smartypantses into trouble! When are y'all going to learn to zip your fucking lip and just start killing shit? I'm so disappointed in all of you! ALL OF YOU!

I think that other gift was Doomsday.

While Batman and Wonder Woman and Krypto waste time listening to Xa-Du blab about ancient history, the Kryptonian Non escapes from The Phantom Zone! And since the only person standing in his way is Steel, New Earth is probably fucked.

Except Wonder Woman returns to save the day. They all return! Even Krypto! And especially Batman! And tagging along behind them: Xa-Du! I guess he's supposed to know how to save Superman or something.

Batman Loves Superman #11 Rating: No change. It was a decent enough comic book and it starred Krypto, so I give it a solid pass. The only bad part is how it ended explaining that the next Chapter of [Infected] will take place in Superman #31. I currently have that comic book in my stack of comics to read and it doesn't have the Doomed Chapter 4 text on the cover. So I'm hoping DC changed their minds and kicked Lobdell off the Doomed story arc! Except Superman has bony growths on his face on the cover and Lois Lane is acting like Brainiac. So I think my hope was born dead.

Here is where Pelafina sits and yells at me while I read comic books in my office.

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