Thursday, May 1, 2014

Worlds' Finest #22

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that these two don't actually fight this issue. At most, they might have a minor squabble or inconsequential disagreement.

I was detailing my elementary school achievements during the First Contact storyline but since that only lasted four issues and I managed to stay in school for more than four years, I'll have to continue digging through my past during regularly scheduled episodes of Worlds' Finest. Next up: Third Grade!

My finest award in third grade is also the scariest.

I have no memory of participating in any carnival at all. I was probably forced to do it.

I also received two certificates that seem less like achievements and almost feel a bit insulting. They're fancy certificates for having achieved "basic competency" in math and reading.

Satanic Principal Passarello: "Has this child managed to struggle through our Master's Black Prayer?"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Yes, Dark Lord of Haman Elementary. Well enough, I suppose. He seemed to question the veracity of our Evil Master but he managed to recite the Dark Incantation promising his soul to He That Fulfills Our Desires."
Satanic Principal Passarello: "Good! Good! And has he shown a flair for calculating the proper mix of human blood with rabid dog feces for the Carnival's Punch?"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Enh. Competent, at best."
Satanic Principal Passarello: "Good enough! You may honor him with mediocre awards on shoddy paper stamped with the Unholy Seal of the Santa Clara Unified School District! Go Haman Eagles!"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Go Haman Eagles!"

I also received this outstanding achievement because my Satanic Elementary School was simply obsessed with hooters.

You can see in Woodsy's eyes that he's warning me to run! Run from this evil institution! As fast and as far as I can!

And finally, proof that I excelled in the Dark Arts.

If only I had the work of art here in Portland that was hung in the museum when I was eight. It was of a haunted house, further proof that Darkness and Evil were lauded and awarded at my Satanic Elementary School.

Of the things that could be officially awarded by the school district, those were the extents of my accomplishments in third grade. And what of the Unholy things that could not officially be recognized? Well, those would best go unnamed, wouldn't they?

Last issue of Worlds' Finest left Kara angry at Hel for closing the portal that led back home and, almost assuredly, to pain and torture and near immediate death.

I'm fairly certain that Power Girl lives in a van down by the river.

For this issue, Gamorra will be played by "Gammora." Now please respect our players with silence, turn off your cell phones, and stop tearing open candy bags during the performance.

Kara and Hel stop bickering about the dangers of a now non-existent portal when the last of the ARGUS agents burst into the room to claim all of Kaizen Gamorra Jr's busted up technology. Power Girl decides beating the agents senseless would be better than giving them the technology that she's been looking for for five years.

"Good question"? I guess she's also decided speaking nonsense gives her a tactical advantage.

The Worlds' Finest Girls spend the next few pages beating up ARGUS agents. Speaking of The Huntress as a "girl", she really cannot be seventeen like Batman thought she was a few issues ago (possibly in Batman Loves Superman). Because there is no way she came over to New Earth as a twelve year old. Maybe she was seventeen when she first came over. I'd buy that!

For some reason, The Huntress decides to have a flashback to nearly four years ago. I suppose she could be thirteen in this flashback since the sex slave hunters she's battling refer to her as a kid in a mask. But if she is suddenly that young, it's retroactive! I have a feeling if I reread the older issues of this comic book, I'd feel all oogy by the way they portray her when first coming to New Earth if I'm supposed to believe she was twelve.

However old she is, she defeats the sex slave hunter bad guys and the flashback ends. I don't know why it occurred when it did though! I guess the storyline on New Gamorra was over?

The Huntress heads home to research the technology she stole from Gamorra while Power Girl flies away to think about how hot the bad guy was. There's a lot of that going on in The New 52. Some guy tries to kill a woman. The woman hates him for it but can't stop mentioning how hot and sexy the guy is. Really? Does that really go through someone's mind when thinking about some asshole that just tried to kill you? "Man! If only he hadn't tried to stab me in the face, I'd fuck his brains out!"

While The Huntress discovers whatever I'll find out she discovers on the last page, Kara learns from her lawyers that Starr Industries has been returned to her. She immediately tells them to sell it all, leave her one lab, and get those fat stacks of cash into her bank account as fast as possible. She has a Dimension Tunneler to build!

Are two points of evidence really enough when you're dealing with alternate realities that might differ in only the slightest of ways?

Worlds' Finest #22 Rating: No change. I have only one idea for why that story was shoved in the middle of this comic book. I think some artists couldn't make their deadlines so they split the story into two separate bits and brought in some other artists to finish up the flashback. I don't think the flashback had anything to do with the main story. I suppose it could be setting up a confrontation with the sex traffickers in a future issue. Anyway, as I pointed out, there was no battle between the besties. They bickered a bit and that was it.

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