Aquaman! Aquaman! Not as cool as Spider-man! Talks to fish! Can't spin a web! Stoically boring! Wish he were dead! Look out! Let's go read something else!
Last issue, an archaeologist had this pet theory. The theory amounted to his belief that magic was science and science was not magic. It makes sense if you're an idiot. Like the archaeologist. If an advanced civilization from outer space had to judge our professions by our popular entertainment, they would think archaeologists had the most exciting and dangerous job ever conceived on the planet Earth. They would wonder why every depiction of archaeologists on the job omitted the armed security and legions of soldiers that would inevitably be needed to contain whatever mythic or alien or biological disaster was about to be released by the old people and students digging in the dirt. Obviously something was going to go wrong! Why aren't they ever prepared?!
The archaeologist's theory just happened to release the monsters of Greek legend. Duh! Forget advanced civilizations! The archaeologists in comic books should have noticed a pattern by now! You fuck with ancient ruins, you're going to release unspeakable terrors and lots of people are going to die! Fuck fiction! It even happens in our reality! People are still dying every day due to the Curse of the Mummy!
Also released due to the archaeologist's idiocy? Hercules! And he's pissed off! And drunk! But not horny because he had plenty of Gorgons and Harpies and Nagas to fuck while imprisoned in the Atlantean Phantom Zone. Unless he was fucking the satyrs and the centaurs and the big dicked dick monsters. I think Scylla was one of those, if I'm not mistaken. And I rarely am, so you should probably believe me. Remember how I nailed the facts with that Mummy's Curse thing last paragraph?
Meanwhile in Triton Base, Creature King was busy undergoing his Reboot Origin. He'll probably be called Dr. Orson's Monster which will eventually just get shortened to Orson which will piss off all the assholes that can't help pointing out when other people (who aren't worried about appearing stupid) are technically wrong.
Way to go, genius! You actually used observable science to figure out a problem for once! As opposed to the mystic mumbo jumbo you usually use! "Let's see. When I put the trident in the hole, it opened the evil gate. Maybe...maybe...if I remove it...!"
Hercules sees Dr. Dumb Dumb holding the trident and decides to squash him. Aquaman saves him for some reason and then asks him his professional opinion on opening mystic portals.
Yes? How the fuck do you know?! You were merely guessing that putting Aquaman's trident in a trident-shaped hole would do something in the first place! Now you're a fucking expert on opening scientific portals?!
In the Mera sitting as acting Queen on the Throne of Atlantis subplot, Mera is almost assassinated by forces from her home kingdom of Xebel. But she's rescued by Aquagirl! She's simply known as Tula right now because she hasn't been given the vaguely racist name of Aquagirl yet by the landdweller's media outlets.
Back to the main story, Hercules places Aquaman in the sea because Hercules falls for Aquaman's ruse that he doesn't want to drown. Hercules hasn't gotten any smarter over time. He has become more schizophrenic though. He keeps hearing a voice in his head telling him to kill Aquaman. The voice also calls him fat and ugly. It also points out that Frankenstein lasers on the moon built by Jews are controlling his thoughts.
Between the voices and Aquaman's super underwater powers, Hercules begins having a hard time dealing with life.
Notice how Hercules' voices compare Aquaman to the big dick monster? Those green pants are pretty tight.
Oh, I guess later will be in July.