Constantine #14

I had an online writer's group read through a bunch of my reviews so I could get feedback to improve my writing. Here were some of the comments:

"How much dick do you suck faggot?"
"your garbage"
"Fucking nigger jew spic asshole dyke."
"where did u learn 2 camp? KOA? hahahahaha"
"Fucking cheater. Reported."

Oh wait! Those are Xbox Live messages I got while playing Call of Duty. These were the comments from the writing site!

"You seem to have a love affair with run-on sentences."
"What is wrong with you? I mean emotionally."
"I stopped reading when you made a derogatory comment about Christianity."
"You are an asshole."
"Why do you think you're so much better than everybody else?"
"You're angry because DC Comics suck. You should read Marvel."
"Do you really masturbate as much as you say you do?"
"You sound like you hate comic books. Why are you reading comic books? Maybe you shouldn't be reading comic books."
"You should try taking things seriously. It would do you good. You might get more out of life."
"Genius. The irrationally angry persona you have created might be one of the greatest characters since Yossarian and, like Yossarian, the reader laughs at your struggle to find a means of escape. And also like Yossarian, the means to escape is right there in your face sharing a tent with you, constantly asking why you won't fly with him. When spiraling out of control due to a mistyped word or an overly contrived plot point, I felt as if I were reading McMurphy struggling against impossible odds. It is as if the reader is Chief Broom and you are teaching us, through your vain struggle, the way to freedom. At other times, it feels as if we, the reader, are lost with you, and you're Johnny Truant struggling through an essay, a house, an imaginary documentary, and a shattered familial history, losing and finding yourself as you stumble from one horribly written comic book to another. Sublime!"

That last one was the only piece of criticism that really made any sense. So I think I don't actually need to change anything! I'm already truly brilliant! Plus I'm really fucking good at Call of Duty which is why people send me horribly racist and misogynist messages. Bastards!

This issue of Constantine begins how I like my issues of Constantine to begin! Some fucked up thing happens and then Constantine happens along as if by coincidence to deal with whatever mystic hullabaloo has come up.

Inside the shack is a table full of dildos and seated around that table are a Muslim, a Christian, and a Rabbi? Yeah, I've heard that one.

A shack that loves to burn people to death is trying to burn Constantine to death. He's been following it for a couple of weeks but it keeps not killing him because John is too smart for it. Also, John doesn't want to burn to death. So instead of killing John, it's been killing other random people stupid enough to fall for its flaming embrace. I think most of those people aren't entirely random though. The first woman seen burned to death in this issue burned her own house down years ago. So I think it's trying to kill people who once burned their house down. Which John must have done after he killed his pet cat.

My theory is confirmed on the next page! Mostly because I'm too impatient to let the story tell itself and would rather hear my own thoughts on what the story is doing and how it might turn out. I'm so fucking entertaining.

I think less people would be bored if they were so completely entertained by their own thoughts. I'm never bored! I might sometimes be angry and sad and despondent because life is actually pretty horrible most of the time, but I'm never bored! Also, I like to keep busy because it distracts me from thinking about my own mortality. Talk about a bummer! I mean, you know, if we'd been talking about bummers.

John and his new friend discover the shack again and, this time, John decides to go in. He claims he's going in because he doesn't want the shack to kill some other stranger but we all know that John doesn't give a fuck if other people die. As long as he doesn't die, everything is peachy dory. He probably has a plan! And he can only execute his plans right when it seems like he's about to lose everything! It's his mantis opera Randy.

John's plan is to dispel the illusion of the burning shack. This reveals a pile of burned corpses and a burnt out shell of a teepee. It also summons whatever's behind this mystic trap.

Ooh, insensitive.

I'm trying being offended for other people but I'm not sure if I'm doing it right. Is this an appropriate image of a Native American? Should I be angry for all Native American tribes that a character has been drawn with stereotypical aspects of the Indian caricature? Sure, sure, I admit this could be an accurate representation of a certain tribe of Native Americans. But since I'm actually ignorant of that information, isn't it easier to just be upset at the depiction? It's going to take a little while before I get the hang of being angry over nothing at all!

The Indian is killing people that have killed other people in fire because he and his love were both murdered in a fire. Through this, we learn that John accidentally sacrificed his parents in a fire when he was first gaining the gifts of magic. Ha ha! That must be when he first learned that magic always has a price. And most people can't afford to pay it.

John also ends the curse because he knew what he was doing from the very beginning when he picked up the woman in the desert. He always knows what he's doing! Reading a John Constantine story is never about worrying if he'll make it through. It's about seeing how his plans and machinations work out in the end!

Dead love! How sweet!

After Constantine reunites the dead lovers, the spirit of Foghorn Leghorn that he has trapped in his Soul Sword tells him to visit Hong Kong where he can learn who put him on the path to killing his parents and becoming a mage from yet another caricature that's making me really angry!

Constantine #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. If Constantine has to keep putting up with the Cult of the Cold Flame subplot, I prefer it to unveil itself as it did this issue in just a few minor pages. The rest of the story was a one off little tale with bits and pieces of John's overall story. I can't say exactly why but Tannarak and his Cold Flame bore the fuck out of me.