I had an online writer's group read through a bunch of my reviews so I could get feedback to improve my writing. Here were some of the comments:
"How much dick do you suck faggot?"
"Fucking nigger jew spic asshole dyke."
"where did u learn 2 camp? KOA? hahahahaha"
"Fucking cheater. Reported."
Oh wait! Those are Xbox Live messages I got while playing Call of Duty. These were the comments from the writing site!
"You seem to have a love affair with run-on sentences."
"What is wrong with you? I mean emotionally."
"I stopped reading when you made a derogatory comment about Christianity."
"You are an asshole."
"Why do you think you're so much better than everybody else?"
"You're angry because DC Comics suck. You should read Marvel."
"Do you really masturbate as much as you say you do?"
"You sound like you hate comic books. Why are you reading comic books? Maybe you shouldn't be reading comic books."
"You should try taking things seriously. It would do you good. You might get more out of life."
"Genius. The irrationally angry persona you have created might be one of the greatest characters since Yossarian and, like Yossarian, the reader laughs at your struggle to find a means of escape. And also like Yossarian, the means to escape is right there in your face sharing a tent with you, constantly asking why you won't fly with him. When spiraling out of control due to a mistyped word or an overly contrived plot point, I felt as if I were reading McMurphy struggling against impossible odds. It is as if the reader is Chief Broom and you are teaching us, through your vain struggle, the way to freedom. At other times, it feels as if we, the reader, are lost with you, and you're Johnny Truant struggling through an essay, a house, an imaginary documentary, and a shattered familial history, losing and finding yourself as you stumble from one horribly written comic book to another. Sublime!"
That last one was the only piece of criticism that really made any sense. So I think I don't actually need to change anything! I'm already truly brilliant! Plus I'm really fucking good at Call of Duty which is why people send me horribly racist and misogynist messages. Bastards!
This issue of Constantine begins how I like my issues of Constantine to begin! Some fucked up thing happens and then Constantine happens along as if by coincidence to deal with whatever mystic hullabaloo has come up.
Inside the shack is a table full of dildos and seated around that table are a Muslim, a Christian, and a Rabbi? Yeah, I've heard that one.
My theory is confirmed on the next page! Mostly because I'm too impatient to let the story tell itself and would rather hear my own thoughts on what the story is doing and how it might turn out. I'm so fucking entertaining.
John and his new friend discover the shack again and, this time, John decides to go in. He claims he's going in because he doesn't want the shack to kill some other stranger but we all know that John doesn't give a fuck if other people die. As long as he doesn't die, everything is peachy dory. He probably has a plan! And he can only execute his plans right when it seems like he's about to lose everything! It's his mantis opera Randy.
John's plan is to dispel the illusion of the burning shack. This reveals a pile of burned corpses and a burnt out shell of a teepee. It also summons whatever's behind this mystic trap.
The Indian is killing people that have killed other people in fire because he and his love were both murdered in a fire. Through this, we learn that John accidentally sacrificed his parents in a fire when he was first gaining the gifts of magic. Ha ha! That must be when he first learned that magic always has a price. And most people can't afford to pay it.
John also ends the curse because he knew what he was doing from the very beginning when he picked up the woman in the desert. He always knows what he's doing! Reading a John Constantine story is never about worrying if he'll make it through. It's about seeing how his plans and machinations work out in the end!
Dead love! How sweet!
Constantine #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. If Constantine has to keep putting up with the Cult of the Cold Flame subplot, I prefer it to unveil itself as it did this issue in just a few minor pages. The rest of the story was a one off little tale with bits and pieces of John's overall story. I can't say exactly why but Tannarak and his Cold Flame bore the fuck out of me.