Friday, May 23, 2014

Justice League #30

It looks like Lex Luthor is pooping.

I bet Lex got the job as leader of the Justice League by threatening to expose Batman's secret identity. But why the hell is Captain Cold on the team? Don't get me wrong! I'm all for Captain Cold joining the Justice League! But won't his friends he's leaving behind be upset? What happens if the Justice League is dispatched to Central City to stop a rash of low level street crime? Will he hold back instead of busting The Trickster in the face? Will he pull out all the stops to detain his sister? Did I actually use the verb "pooping" earlier?

The one part of this comic book I'm not looking forward to is where Wonder Woman gets Batman alone in the supply closet to explain to him that she loves Superman and it will never work between them. And Batman will glance about uncomfortably trying to deny his love for her. So Wonder Woman will press her finger to his lips and whisper, "Shh. Shh. We were connected by my lasso, Bruce. I know the truth." Then Batman will get embarrassed and yell, "You don't know anything! I'm the Jeezly Crow Batman!" Then he'll wait uncomfortably for a few seconds until Diana shifts her glance just enough so he can do that thing where he disappears.

This issue is called "Injustice League" because that's fresh and exciting. Ugh. Why do I have to ruin everything I do by being cynical and sarcastic?! When did I lose my childlike sense of wonder and my ability to lose myself in the lives of costumed heroes? Now I just open a comic book and think, "Who are these chumps?" and then "What a boring title" and then "Why is the entire office at the daily planet standing around reading their own fucking newspaper?!"

I have a feeling this is how DC Comics edits their comic books. "Oh shit! Did you see this error on page three? That'll have to be fixed in the trade." It's also possible that DC Editorial simply read Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea to learn about all of the errors.

Meanwhile, Clark Kent is walking down a busy street on his cellphone telling Bruce Wayne about how he's "trained his super-hearing." You really don't give a fuck if anybody learns your true identity, hunh Clark? Seriously though, why should he care? His parents are dead and he doesn't work at the Daily Planet anymore. He's dating Wonder Woman who can take care of herself. Who are the bad guys going to go after to get to Superman? Cat Grant? Please!

After Clark gets sick of hearing people lavish Lex with praise and offers of blow jobs, my childhood sense of wonder and excitement comes back in a single panel!

The Doom Patrol!

What are they doing in Argus? Are they breaking in? Are they working for them? How long until most of the team is dead and Cliff Steele becomes suicidal?! I'm so happy!

But since it's only one panel featuring Negative Man, Robotman, Rita Farr (possibly?), and what looks like Elemental Girl (not to mention The Chief because fuck that asshole), my happiness is gone as soon as I turn the page and find Wonder Woman exclaiming that Lex Luthor deserves a sword in the throat. What the fuck? How come Geoff Johns writes Wonder Woman as some kind of bloodthirsty maniac? It's like his notes for her and how to write her character just say "BERZERKER". Luckily The Flash is there to look her straight in her crotch and say, "No! Bad Amazon!"

I figured that last statement needed actual proof or else everybody would just assume it's me being hyperbolic again.

The Justice League are searching everywhere for Luthor because I guess they want to thank him in person for saving the world and doing amateur brain surgery on Superman. If it's not to thank him (and I get the feeling it's not after all that subtle subtext during the Wonder Woman pages of the story! Don't be too hard on yourself if you missed it. I am a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader of Flowers, after all. I'm specially trained to catch nuances like that), I guess it's to put him in jail for simply outshining them. These heroes and their egos just can't take it if some non-card carrying member of the super hero society saves the world. Anyway, since they can't find Luthor, Luthor finds them.

Is that the way to greet a man who not only just saved your life but the lives of everybody on Earth? A man who just used his own money to create a new Watchtower for the Justice League? A man who brought alcohol?! For shame!

Lex kind of feels like his recent exploits have given him the green light to join the Justice League. Also the fact that he brought the headquarters. Also maybe he might, if they still refuse, point out that he knows Batman's secret life with Dick Grayson. And to sweeten the deal, he's brought along Shazam as a potential new recruit as well. How can they refuse that?!

Doesn't Batman believe in the nonsensical saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer"? I think Batman believes this saying: "Keep your friends in the dark and your enemies in Arkham Asylum." It's very similar.

Whoa there, Billy! I don't think you know the meaning of the word "train"!

Lex isn't ready to take no for an answer. He believes the Justice League needs Lex Luthor on the team to bolster their flagging reputation. Aquaman responds, "We don't worry about approval scores." Of course you don't worry about them, Aquaman! If you did, you'd probably swim straight down a Great White's throat and end it all. Lex decides that the only way Superman is going to trust him is if he wears the Lasso of Truth around his neck while answering questions. The Flash suggests the wrists since there are probably cameras in the room and Lex would immediately go to the media and point out how he was almost lynched by the Justice League. Good thinking, The Flash! You should probably also check the bathrooms for webcams just in case.

I'm glad Billy Batson finds this shit funny. The League can really use somebody with an immature sense of humor on the team. You can't always count on Barry to catch every opportunity to make a fart joke.

The Justice League decide they can't trust Lex and kick him out of his own satellite. Judging by the cover and pages two and three, they're going to change their mind. They're also going to hire Captain Cold! And maybe Superman and The Flash will quit.

Meanwhile Power Ring's ring has located a suitable candidate to destroy the Earth in Portland, Oregon. And it wasn't me? Fuck you, Power Ring's ring! I would be an awesome world-destroyerer!

And since none of Lex Luthor's other reasons for joining the Justice League convinced them, he has to utilize he final argument. He heads to Gotham and presents himself to Alfred Pennyworth to see Batman. Alfred is all, "I don't know what you mean, sir." And Lex is all, "Cut the bullshit, butler! I saw the way Batman hugged Dick Grayson! Exactly the same way my father never hugged me! So I know Dick Grayson was Batman's son! Which means Batman must be Bruce Wayne! And that Robin that died must have been Jason Todd! And Red Robin must be that kid Tim Drake! Holy shit! I bet I can unravel all the secret identities in the super hero community now!"

Justice League #30 Rating: +2 Ranking. What can I say? One panel starring the Doom Patrol makes up for a lot! I can excuse the way Geoff Johns portrayed Wonder Woman simply because he keeps fucking doing it in this series and it doesn't surprise me anymore. And besides, the rest of the issue was pretty solid. I like where this is going. Now if Wonder Woman can just manage to keep a low profile whenever Johns writes something, everything should be okay.

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