Batman Eternal #5

Red Robin and Batman share a fun day out in the grey goo.

So far, Batman Eternal hasn't told a new story. I thought this series was going to blow my fucking mind. But it hasn't even blown my sexual organs. It hasn't even glanced at my sexual organs! It's just been sitting in the corner telling stories about its exes.

Batman Eternal: "This one time, Commissioner Gordon was fucking framed and I was all, 'Oh hells no!' But then the entire Gotham Police force was all, 'Batman gots ta be arrested!' And Harvey Bullock was all, 'Give me three foot-long meatball subs, yo!'"
Tess: "Yeah, yeah. I've heard those stories like a billion times. Just shut up and stick your tongue in my asshole."
Batman Eternal: "Hold on, hold on. We gettin' there. Then this tough guy Falcone shows up and everyone is all, 'Hell yeah! Year One is in the house!' And then when we found out Stephanie Brown's dad was Cluemaster? Not one pair of pants could remember what fresh air smelled like! Seriously!"
Tess: "Look, Batman Eternal. My pants are on the floor and I'm spread wide. Just, you know, how about a little pinky. Just lick a pinky and slide it on up in there."
Batman Eternal: "Did I ever tell you about the time a good cop came to Gotham and learned about how corrupt the city and Mayor Hady were? Or what about when Professor Pyg was all, 'Give me some children moth-er-fuck-eeerrrs!'"
Tess: "Oh fuck it. Where'd I put the plug?"

Just like Batgirl, Red Robin is doing some actual detective work while Batman is flipping the fuck out over Falcone coming back to Gotham and eying his pussycat.

Batgirl has discovered the identity of a person that might be behind the framing of her father, Batcommissioner. Now Red Robin has found a connection between the kids Professor Pyg tried to diddle and a building where they all lived in a Wayne Restoration Project in the Narrows. So two of the Batkids are following leads that might actually lead to setting Gordon free while Batman continues to think breaking through doors and windows and kicking people in the face will get him answers. We know that torture doesn't actually work in gathering intel so why does the World's Greatest Detective still think that breaking bones is an effective strategy for hunting down bad guys? Especially when the victims know Batman doesn't kill! Just give him some false leads and catch the first fucking bus out of Gotham!

The building where all the kids have gotten sick is where Harper and her brother, Cullen, live. And Harper's brother is currently suffering from flu-like symptoms! Is having an eyeball that looks like a computer chip a flu-like symptom? Because that's what Harper's brother has!

Meanwhile at the Gotham Gazette, Vicki Vale still thinks journalism is worth fighting for. I suppose she's correct if what she's fighting for is the right to bury the body respectfully. But it's way too late to save.

Everybody can probably spout dozens of different arguments on why socialism or communism doesn't work, but what's happened to journalism is a great example of why capitalism doesn't work either. When dollars are the bottom line for everything, nothing fucking matters but lining pockets. So who cares about truth or knowledge or information when all you care about are eyeballs.

People argue that money provides incentive to do better. But that argument falls apart over time. Eventually, competition is destroyed, laws are paid to be changed to the payer's advantage, and the rich and powerful can stop caring about better. All they wind up caring about is making money. And making money is simply incentive to make more money by any means possible. This is actually an argument toward a mix of socialism and capitalism. There are certain instances where people are better provided for by a dispassionate system that has no money making stake in their end product. Journalism and health care are a couple of these areas. If tons of money wasn't to be made by news outlets, news outlets wouldn't report on only stories that catch the attention of the most average (and worse) amongst us. Without profit, health care would cost what it costs without prices jacked beyond the extreme due to insurance company interference. You know the main reason wealthier people want privatized health care over a national system? Because they want their money to be able to get them to the head of the line should they ever have a serious problem. How can they buy an extra liver if money has no pull?

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is "Fuck the media."

The old guy, Joey Day, tries to teach Vicki Vale about real investigative journalism. You remember that kind, right? No? You're too fucking young? Oh shit. Go watch All The President's Men if you haven't seen it already. It's a good reminder of what journalism should be but very rarely has been and almost never is now. Just don't watch it while on LSD. It'll send you into some really fucked up recursions of reality.

Anyhow, Joey Day gives Vicki the scoop on Falcone being back in town. So now Vicki will be getting in Batman's way along with everybody else.

Notice Red Robin is back to having the Red Robin emblem on his shoulder instead of the stupid "T"s that I guess were for "Teen Titans" even though that's fucking stupid.

Tim points out to Batman that there was once this story called Death of the Family that never really made very many waves so he thought he'd bring it back to the surface, what with Damian and Nightwing dying (I guess? Fuck you, Forever Evil delays (meaning David Finch)) but mostly with Scott Snyder writing this and having written that. Batman doesn't want to talk about it. It's like his signature move or something. So Batman leaves leaving Tim Drake to poke around in the kid's nanobots and piss them off so they're forced to go all sci-fi cliche on him and say, "Eliminate threat."

Since Red Robin is about to die, the scene shifts to Harper saving Vicki Vale's ass from some thugs in the Narrows after which she takes her back to her apartment where Red Robin crashes through the ceiling after the thugs kick in the door. I made that sentence extra long to be able to contain all of the confusion and excitement of the actual scene!

Why? The Titans were awful! Ohhhh. Wait. I get it.

Red Robin figures out how to make the Nanobots go dormant which also causes the Nanobots to flee from Cullen and knock him into a coma.

And meanwhile in Tokyo...

It's the monkey from Batman #22 with the robot leg named Maxwell! Maybe now we'll find out the name of his other leg! Ha ha ha ha!

Batman Eternal #5 Rating: Still no change because I still haven't been blown away by it! Vicki Vale doing some investigative journalism by threatening people didn't do it for me. Seriously, people. Can we stop believing that confessions under threats of physical violence are reliable sources of information? Also, nanobots have attacked Gotham. I've lost interest in nanobots and gray goo. Now, that monkey at the end with the mechanical arm and leg? That has me interested!