Aquaman and the Others #2

This comic book hasn't been cancelled yet?

If you want non-biased reviews about comic books with Aquaman in them, this is not the place. Although I almost instinctively began liking Aquaman yesterday when I saw a gif set of a scene from The Big Bang Theory where Raj says, "Aquaman sucks." I seriously don't want to agree with anything the so-called nerds on that show say. Although on second thought, I realized I absolutely didn't agree with Raj since his costume was the best Aquaman costume ever and representative of the Aquaman that I love because the suit was Aquaman riding a gigantic sea horse. That's when Aquaman truly shines! When he's involved in truly ridiculous underwater shenanigans! I like my Aquaman silly, not stoic.

I'm not going to recount what was happening in this comic book last month. You should be less concerned about learning what happened last issue and more concerned about my mental health for having to read another Aquaman comic book. Stop being so selfish.

This issue begins with Aquaman and the Others falling out of the sky while they joke about how they're all going to die since none of them can fly.

If this were Silly Aquaman, he would call a bunch of flying fish to save them.

Sky saves them by transporting them into the Land of the Dead. Normally this is where I'd point out that just changing locations does not negate their momentum. But The Operative himself points out that she needs to slow their decent to allow them to survive. Which I guess she is able to do since they don't wind up dead in the Land of the Dead. Although if they had died, they wouldn't have gone to the Land of the Dead since it's only for Native Americans and other people (like eagles and American Flags) who cry when they see litter on the ground or buildings explode.

Since Ya'wara can't stand dead people, the Others leave the Land of the Dead to stand on some floating wreckage in the middle of the sea while Aquaman swims off to find help. Silly Aquaman would just get them a ride back to land on some Sperm Whales.

While in the Land of the Dead, Sky receives a mission from Kahina (an Other previously killed by Black Manta whom Sky replaced) to save Kahina's sister from the clutches of an Evil Mr. Smartypants (that's my super cool version of saying the old hat "Big Bad." Fuck you, Joss Whedon! All the kids are going to be calling the villains "Evil Mr. Smartypantses" from now on!). Also, the Ghost of Vostok appears to reclaim his Golden Helmet of Non-Asphyxiation. You know why he needs it. You know.

Jurgens adds some more war commentary because he wants to make sure this comic book is just as depressing as Justice League International.

Aquaman arrives with a submarine instead of a Sperm Whale because he's become a boring fuck. The reason Aquaman sucks isn't because he's not just as capable of beating the shit out of Evil Mr. Smartypantses as the next guy. He sucks because he distances himself from all the shit that makes him fun! Why does an Atlantean need a submarine?! He has sea creatures to do his bidding! Or else it's the Trench for them!

Somewhere in Trezygstan, Kahina's sister Sayeh is being held captive by somebody named Anton and his sister Darya. The castle they live in has some bas-relief sculptures that look like Black Manta's helmet. Or possibly Court of Owls owl heads! Trezygstan must be another member country in DC's Axis of Evil. These siblings must be descendants of the Atlantean that was screwed by Aquaman's Atlantean descendant. They simply want their Gold Bars of Power back and Sayeh is the bait to lure the Others in.

This means they're battling Cobra!

It's a good thing Anton and Darya can control the weather because their bait isn't going to work very well if The Others have no idea where to look for it. So they use their weather controlling device to create a storm that causes Aquaman and the Others to crash on the shore of Trezygstan where they defeat a bunch of rock creatures. Up until now, Ya'wara has been adamant that their first priority is saving Sayeh. But when they crash, she decides that will have to wait. Which is just as well since this is where Sayeh actually is! Lucky!

Anton and Darya have the most boring Evil Mr. Smartypants outfits Lan Medina could come up with. It's probably important to the plot that they appear so bland and uninteresting.

Aquaman and the Others #2 Rating: -1 Ranking. I was bored when I saw Aquaman was a member of this team. I was more bored when Aquaman refused to use the powers that make him fun and interesting! Talk to a fucking fish once in a while, Kelpdick!