Sunday, May 4, 2014

Batwoman Annual #1

Remember when Batwoman and Batman battled each other to an unsatisfying conclusion? Me neither.

This issue begins with Batwoman battling Batman. It's a continuation of the story from Batwoman #24 which means this Annual will be satisfying for nobody who picks it up. Everyone stopped caring about that story six months ago! And anybody picking up this Annual to see if they'd like to read Batwoman regularly are going to be thoroughly confused. I'm not sure how Batman didn't make the cover though. Isn't he DC's only selling point to their comic books? How could DC miss an opportunity to make sure their fans knew that Batman was guest starring in this issue?

Luckily Batwoman reminds everybody why she's battling Batman on the first page. She needs to get Batman's secret identity so she can give it up to Mr. Bones who will then free her sister Alice. Except I think there was a back-up plan in place where Hawkfire and her dad's Black Ops Raven buddies were freeing Alice themselves. That way Alice will still be saved when Batwoman forgets whether or not she learned Batman's secret identity after waking up with a slight case of amnesia after being in a coma for three years due to Batman's beating.

The battle between Batman and Batwoman ends in five pages with Mr. Bones drowning. No wonder Batman wasn't on the cover. DC was too ashamed of the resolution of this huge fight that fans waited six months to read. It amounts to Batwoman saying, "I don't want to do this!" And Batman saying, "I know!" And Mr. Bones saying, "Gluugg glug gluuuggity gluggerton!" Also a fish rubs up against Mr. Bones face making a ZZAPT! sound for some reason. I suppose it was an electric eel? And it somehow saves Mr. Bones from drowning? Because I don't remember his cyanide touch having anything to do with electrical systems.

Seriously! Why is this in here?! Did Andreyko recently read some news story about a person saved from drowning by being shocked by an electric eel?

While Mr. Bones drowns and Batman and Batwoman spoon on the floor of a sinking ship, Hawkfire rescues Alice. It turns out the Black Ops crew she's working with are called The Crows and not The Ravens. I'm impressed with myself that after six months I came that close! Alice is drawn by Moritat so her penchant for evil and chaos is super adorable.

I bet somebody more vulgar than I could make a really nasty sex joke here!

As Alice and Hawkfire board The Crows' escape helicopter, it's hit by a blast of electricity and crashes down on the roof. Did an electric eel just bump into it too?

Meanwhile Batman and Batwoman continue their battle on dry land. And by "battle," I mean Batman holding up his hands saying, "Let's work together," and Batwoman hitting him in the face with a two by four. Turns out Batwoman's strategy works best.

Maggie Sawyer and Harvey Bullock get a minor subplot that I won't go into because nobody gets kissed or anally penetrated. At least not on panel.

Bones is fished out of the water thanks to the electric eel. Maybe. It has to fit into the plot somehow, doesn't it?! WHY WAS THAT THERE?!

Batwoman takes Batman back to the Batwomancave where she ties him up and waits for him to talk her out of working for Bones. He does that and then reveals to Batwoman that she sucks at tying knots.

Batman never jokes about beating up women.

Batman, Batwoman, and Colonel Kane come up with a secret plan to save Alice. I guess they also need to save Hawkfire and The Crows as well now. Why can't sidekicks ever do anything right when let out on their own? It's always, "No! I've been electrocuted in my helicopter somehow!" or "Oh my God, he's got a crowbar!" or "Captain America, I've always loved you in a romantic way but couldn't reveal my true feelings in the face of a zealously homophobic country!"

Mr. Bones should know it's a trap when Batwoman arrives with Batman tied up at her side. As if Batman can be held by something as simple as a common rope! Mr. Bones would normally understand this but his huge ego gets in the way and he believes his plans have gone fairly smoothly, considering. I mean, except for that stupid electric eel.

I called this around Issue #3 or something. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Guess where Batman is? No, go on! Guess! That's right! He's on the roof waiting to crash through the skylight! If I were a criminal in Gotham City, I would booby trap my skylight! Why has nobody thought of this yet?!

Nightwing and Batgirl also make an appearance although I don't think it really matters much. I think it's just to show Batwoman how she's not part of the Batfamily as she watches how well the others work together.

The battle ends with Agent Asaf (some guy I should maybe remember but it's been over six months!) shooting Mr. Bones through the head. That sucks. Hopefully his strange condition allows him to heal from bullets through the brain because he's one of my favorite characters and now I'm sad.

The issue ends with a Congressional Hearing so the reader can learn what happened to all the characters after Blackman and Williams' run on the book. Alice and Colonel Kane head off to their own private island to bond. Mr. Bones is recovering in a hospital at Hellgate Prison. Cameron Chase resigned from the DEO to reopen her Super Person Detective Agency.

The hearing doesn't know anything about Batwoman so she gets her own epilogue where she learns Batman has accepted her as one of the family. Although he does mention she'll need to sign some Franchise Contracts if she wants to keep using the name.

Batwoman Annual #1 Rating: Here is a picture of my dad's father leering lecherously at my mother.

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