Monday, May 26, 2014

Harley Quinn #6

Reading and writing about comic books is cutting into my sitting around and doing nothing time.

I'm going to start advertising on my site. The way it will work is people will send me money and I will mention their blog in my commentaries. I will say really good things about them if they give me lots of money and really bad things about them if they don't give me much money at all. But I won't say how much is enough to not get shit upon! Anyway, I've heard that all publicity is good publicity. The first site that I'm advertising, on faith that they'll pay up, is!

Have you ever wanted a truly random number and decided to use your computer because you aren't a huge nerd with a Crown Royal bag full of variously shaped dice? Well then you have been fucking yourself right in the face because most computers can only create pseudo-random sequences of numbers as opposed to truly random sequences of numbers. This is something that you may have never known and would never fucking affect your life ever. But it has been a major consternation to me ever since I was programming on my Vic-20. How come computers can do every fucking thing in the world but they can't duplicate the true randomness of a low quality (although still well balanced!), piece of shit, plastic polyhedron? Fucking computers suck!

But wait! Before you throw your computer into the garbage sack, I've found the answer to the problem you never would have known you've been having!! They've cooked up some ancient Egyptian Druidic Voodoo or some shit with chicken blood and mummy curses and living trees and shit to divine the secret of true random numbers using modern technology! Or maybe they learned it from aliens! Although those other groups I just mentioned got all their secrets from aliens as well, so it's two bits of one and three dimes of the other. Or five dimes. Whatever! doesn't help with actual word problems! They just do perfectly random numbers! Maybe! Anyway, it's the closest you're going to get! So get out there and randomize those numbers!

This is where I'd put up a link to send me money for the advertising except I didn't think the whole process through very well. Fuck it. Time to read Harley Quinn #6!

Last issue ended with an explosion at Ivana Brekemoff's place. This issue begins with everybody escaping the explosion.

I'm going on record saying that this is the most realistic comic book drawing of three people trying to hang on to each other that has ever been put to paper. It also makes my face feel warm and cozy.

Harley lets Ivana drop because killing her was the entire reason they endured the explosion and the edge of the seat of the pants on the face escape!

Next on Harley and Sy's list of elderly communists to kill: The Bear! He lives at the zoo so that's the next place they need to break into.

I think Sy is bragging about how he didn't complain when Harley's butthole was practically in his mouth.

Harley and Sy fail to kill The Bear because one of the bears kills The Bear. But not before The Bear warns some of the other old time communists that Syborg was on their trail. A bunch of them arrive at the zoo to make Harley's job even easier than it has been.

Harley's killing spree has been so easy (and looks so good) that I can't find anything to bitch about. Is it too late to pretend I'm angry about Harley's change of costume? Maybe I can be angry that they changed her accent! Except the text has just enough of her accent to know that's probably not true. And even if it were, my head reads all of her dialogue in her cartoon voice anyway.

Sy kills two more of the Russians with bagel grenades that explode with this sound effect: KO-SHERRR!

Oh! I can complain about that! One of the things I like about this comic book is the high level of cartoon violence. People are forever getting killed and seriously hurt but in ways that don't make the reader cringe because they're on the level of a safe falling on Wile E. Coyote's head. But using Bagel Grenades that explode in a KO-SHERRR bang? That's pushing the cartoon limits too far! And too Jewish!

More discussions involving butts. Oh, and some more violence!

The last Russian left (at least of the Russians that were in the files. I think there is still one more secret one!) is Zena Bendemova. Which means she's the Russian Spy that Sy probably slept with while on his secret agent mission. Hell, maybe he slept with all of them. Isn't that what spies do? Kill and seduce? Mostly not in that order.

This time the killing comes after the kissing but before the fucking. I wonder if Syborg has a cypenis? We won't find out yet because Zena winds up impaled on a rhinoceros horn. Don't be disgusting! It goes through her heart, you sicko perv.

And finally it's off to kill the last member of the Russian gang. I have a feeling this one will be Sy's real lover! Zena may have broken Sy's heart but the last Russian destroyed Sy's soul.

Nope. It's just some guy that sold Sy a junk car forty years ago. Sad trombone noise.

Harley returns home in the morning after saying her goodbyes to her new friend Sy Borgman to find a surprise waiting for her. Is it really a surprise that she finds a surprise waiting for her on the last page? That's actually kind of an expectation, right? Anyway, this is the surprise:

Harley's beaver! And Poison Ivy too!

Harley Quinn #6 Rating: No change. It's whimsical and I like whimsical but it's not quite hitting the right notes for me. I like that Poison Ivy is back and now that I've heard Birds of Prey is cancelled, I think these two need to start the next incarnation of the Birds of Prey. Sure, they don't have a bird themed anything going for them. But I think an amoral group of kind of bad guy women pissed off at some evil organization would make for a fun Birds of Prey book. I think Cheetah and Strix could join the team as well as Punch and Jewelee. Punch could be their token male. He'd be much better than Condor!

No comments:

Post a Comment