New Guardians #31

Carol's vagina is smoking.

Last issue was the Annual and it was important because Kyle Rayner winked out of existence at the end of it. So if you skipped the Annual, you might be a little bit confused when this story begins and Kyle Rayner doesn't exist anymore. He may have never existed. If that's the case, I want my one hundred and two dollars and sixty seven cents back, DC. How dare you sell me stories that never happened!

The first page pretty much tells you everything you need to know if you skipped the $4.99 Annual. So congratulations to all the smart ass motherfuckers that did that! You win! I wonder if DC would just publish one book each year that contained all the editorial notes that remind the reader what happened and in what issues. Could I just buy that every year?

"Red Hood was killed back in that issue where he was killed--Terrific Tom!"
"Remember how G'nort fucked that lot lizard back in issue #22?--Know-it-all Ned!"
"Mister Terrific was circumcised by Mindfuck way back in Issue #0!--Cavortin' Kate!"
"The universe was brought to the brink of destruction by Jimmy Olsen's sentient anal warts in Jimmy Olsen, Superman's Pest #262!--Lovable Lulu LaDanda"
"Kyle Rayner's double, Oblivion, was introduced in GL: New Guardians Annual #2! On sale now! But you don't need to buy it because we just summarized it here in four panels!--Chris the Smart Ass"

But after the summary, this is how the issue really begins:

I don't know what Kyle is trying to catch in his mouth but I have my super gay suspicions.

Kyle Rayner is now on a Lovecraftian journey of fear and self-discovery. Although, in the Lovecraftian sense, self-discovery is really just a journey to find monsters. Nobody ever really learns anything about themselves! They just learn that maybe they should have ignored the weird shit they decided not to ignore which either eventually gets them killed, drives them mad, very nearly gets them killed, or very nearly drives them mad. I don't think there are any other options unless you're lucky enough to be a character in one of his dream cycles. Characters in those fared much better than the other stories.

I think! I've only read like one story by Lovecraft. And I wrote that one myself!

That last paragraph was a lie. But you shouldn't be believing anything I write anyway! It'll only lead you to madness or death or near death or near madness!

Here's some proof as to the Lovecraftian journey thing. See all that narrating?! And a journey to a mysterious city! And unknown powers? All we need now is an ancient god and the Necronomicomicon!

The city Rayner finds is a dead city because I was right! Also the cover kind of was a hint with the "dead world" blurb screaming into my eyeballs. Kyle has a vision of when the world was alive. It was full of flying squirrel people with nuclear technology that they couldn't control! Or maybe they were invaded by alien squirrels. Or perhaps there was a time traveling accident when they went back in time to gather the nuts of the past and got into a war with their past selves which destroyed the world tree. Perhaps they just all got distemper.

Somehow Kyle gets the idea that he needs to burrow deeper into the world. I'm not questioning how he knows this because he has cosmic super powers and I'm just a filthy jerk that needs to hop in the shower. Kyle also has fungus creatures growing out of his footprints. I said also because I'm pretty sure I have fungus creatures growing out of my footsteps too!

Anyway, Kyle realizes this dead planet was once a living planet like Mogo. And he suspects that with his new and amazing abilities, he might be able to resuscitate it.

Oh my god! This is terrifying! Does that mean someone can dig down into Mogo and crush her heart? I remember when he was blown to smithereens. She didn't have a heart floating around! And bones! And intestines! Just a bunch of rocks!

The planet tells a cautionary story of sentient beings and how they'll rape the shit out of you, shit the rape out of you, and generally just engage in completely destructive and dickheaded behavior. This planet had brothers and sisters and they all tried to be good planets where creatures could grow and thrive! And they all learned to regret it when they were killed by the creatures living on them. All of the planets but one David Duchovny planet. It was a David Duchovny planet because it trusted no one and not because it was addicted to fucking other planets. I just wanted to make that clear. Perhaps I should have just called it "mistrustful" instead of calling it "David Duchovny." I think I don't believe in writing clearly and concisely!

Also this planet did not live to regret the horrible behavior of its occupants either.

Because it killed itself to keep them from killing it. Smart move! I sometimes dream about burning down the house just to destroy my noisy downstairs neighbors. But then I realize I can just choke the fuck out of them in a blind rage some day, which is a totally more sane choice.

It's not just the noise that causes intense and very rational anger at the other occupants of my domicile. I occupy the top floor of a house that was turned into four units. Downstairs is split three ways and currently occupied by musicians and jerks. My apartment opens onto the backyard where I spend my time writing when it's warm so I don't have to hear the evil and immoral activities of the other tenants. I have a statue garden in the backyard where five different statues of various things stand in a group. One day, I noticed a ceramic angel that had belonged to my grandmother was in the front yard and the stone, featureless human head had moved to the side of the house (which was creepy because it's the kind of statue that I can see moving itself). I put the statues back and left a note to the property manager which read partly: "I can't believe I even have to broach this subject but could you please explain to the other tenants that stealing my statuary is wrong." The asshole who took the angel's reason for taking it? "I didn't know it belonged to anybody." That's going to be my excuse at my trial for his premeditated murder: "I didn't know his life belonged to anybody."

Anyway, this insane planet (which fulfills the role of the Lovecraftian god and the needed insanity) did not kill itself. So it's not as insane as its actions are making it out to be. It just wanted to take over the universe and make everything think the same way that it thought. But it's brother (MOGO!) decided it should probably die. And he killed it.

This planet's name is Raga and Kyle is beginning to regret bringing it back to life. He also still hasn't learned why he suddenly appeared on it after uncreating himself. I suppose it's part of his inner journey to discover that monsters are real and that the universe is a chaotic mess that doesn't just randomly try to kill you but actively pursues that goal. But by the end of the tragic story (I don't know which parts are tragic but I'm pretty sure I'm having the feelings associated with just having read a tragic story. You know, sexual frustration, disconnected apathy, and a general malaise of the soul?), Kyle has learned a few soul searching things about himself.

I hate when characters learn they can't do things on their own because I'm trying so hard to only do things on my own! I don't want to learn lessons that teach us the human condition is about standing on each others' shoulders and being cordial to strangers and not killing noisy neighbors. So stupid.

New Guardians #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. I actually kind of liked the story of an angry planet that wanted to seed the universe with pieces of its angry self so that the entire universe could become a seething ball of hatred and frustration! That's the kind of universe I believe in!