Sunday, May 18, 2014

Futures End #2

This cover made me smile because it reminded me that Green Arrow was dead.

DC wants to be known as the company that makes its fans sad. I guess everybody aspires to greatness in their own way. Way to pursue your dreams, DC! Nothing more depressing than a comic book called "Futures End"! Unless it's one of those dozens of fucking television commercials which show a person age from child to the elderly in the space of two minutes. Thanks, whatever fucking product was just being advertised! I love to be reminded of my mortality and how quickly life passes us by! If I wasn't so concerned with the panic attack you just gave me, I might actually fucking remember what you were advertising. Assholes.

The issue begins with Jasonstorm giving Ronniestorm a hard time about wanting to get his dick sucked by a woman. He just can't let the fact drop that Ronniestorm trying to get laid might possibly have contributed to Green Arrow's current status as a corpse. I think Jasonstorm keeps bringing it up because he's trying to point out to Ronniestorm that Ronniestorm isn't actually interested in women at all and should be getting his dick sucked by Jasonstorm. Remember when Ronnie and Jason got married? It was so romantic! I hate to see them fighting five years later and Ronniestorm wallowing in his pretend heterosexuality.

Anyway, everybody's headed to Green Arrow's funeral. Except Batman, apparently.

As if Batman would show up in costume. Or to anything Green Arrow themed anyway.

I can see #RIPGreenArrow trending, maybe. But those other stupid hashtags? Not a chance. I've never found Twitter useful for my purposes. I tried to use it as a place to link back to my comic book commentaries but I just got tired of dealing with another site that is essentially just a place to update what I'm doing and point back to the place where I'm actually doing those things. It's not like Twitter is somehow closer to users, some kind of signpost to find my shit. Everything on the internet is as close as everything else! If you want to read my commentaries, you should follow me or bookmark my site where the commentaries are! Besides, who actually reads their Twitter feeds? People follow so many other people, it's unmanageable. It's unthinkable to expect people to actually keep up on the comments of the people they follow. Which means nobody on Twitter actually gives much of a fuck about what anybody else is doing on Twitter. It's all about pretending you have a soapbox and people are standing around listening to the things you say. In actual fact, it's just a bunch of people on soapboxes trying to shout over everybody else on soapboxes. Especially when people are commenting on trending topics. Like your voice thrown into the cacophony of other voices is too important not to share.

Also, why is Mister Terrific wasting his time checking Twitter? He should be inventing a hyper-intelligent satellite which can shut down his other hyper-intelligent satellite if it gets out of control and begins turning heroes into Bugbots! I blame Twitter for humanity's demise in thirty years!


I think Sloan must have taken over Holt's body before Holt was able to return to New Earth.

Meanwhile Batman Beyond is searching for clues in an alley with a Who Watches the Watchmen? tag. His goal was to prevent the creation of Brother Eye. But since he missed that mark by seven years, his new goal is to keep Brother Eye dark since it currently seems to be inoperable. Because of some war. Probably with Daemonites!

But who cares about Batman Beyond saving the world (especially when I said I'd be calling him Terry from now on. Fuck that! That's a stupid name! (Sorry to anybody named Terry out there reading this (Sorry your parents gave you a stupid name!))) because Metamorpho is at Green Arrow's funeral! I believe he also appeared in an issue of Batman Incorporated but those issues don't technically count as being part of The New 52. Except that one little plot point where Damian died.

Animal Man tells some lies about how Green Arrow was a hero during which he drops a few bits of information about that war that everybody keeps mentioning.

Being armed at a protest probably isn't the greatest idea Ollie has ever had. Not that he's had many great ideas. I think his greatest was the Boxing Glove Arrow.

Other stuff that may or may not be happening in Futures End, depending on how accurate my assumptions wind up being: I--Spy, King Faraday, is hunting Grifter (or helping him. Hard to tell!); and Dick Grayson is tending bar at The Wounded Duck (unless that's somebody else with blue eyes and a scruffy beard. Hard to tell!). Also, I may or may not have misused the semicolon in the previous sentence. Hard to tell!

Back to the funeral, Roy Harper decides to blame Firestorm for Green Arrow's death. You know what, Roy? Firestorm wasn't Green Arrow's babysitter. Ollie is the guy that chose to go into dangerous situations armed with just a bow and arrow! I think he'd take responsibility for his own death without feeling the need to throw blame around. As a former addict, you should know that better than anybody else! Recovery demands taking responsibility and to stop assigning blame to others. I think you might be headed for a relapse here, buddy! Maybe you can get Firestorm to transmute some urine into heroin.

Ronniestorm and Arsenal have a fistfight because no funeral is worth being part of a drama unless there is a fistfight during it. Jasonstorm wants to apologize but Ronniestorm doesn't seem willing to let him out of the Slash Fiction Matrix ever again. I think Firestorm might be the one to go on a bit of a drug-fueled bender. And that will lead to him sucking Brother Eye's dick for more and more product.

And just like that, I hate Five Years in the Future Lois Lane!

Five Years in the Future Lois Lane takes herself way too seriously. Also, no way can a blog be both "most read" and a "well-respected source of news." She's either the most successful freelance writer on the planet because she's making fun of celebrities or she's got a backdoor on her site that leads into the biggest source of free porn on the internet. And now she's sitting in her apartment concerned about the words she's going to say about Green Arrow's death because those will be the most important words said by anybody in the world about the event. Fuck you, Five Years in the Future Lois! You're no Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! Now there's a blogger that would have some important shit to say about Green Arrow's death! Most of it would concern his Boxing Glove Arrow and his dick though.

Lois receives a package containing a matchbook from The Wounded Duck, a Green Pyramid, a broken Red Arrow tip, and a note with the numbers "423816 1052010" and the statement to "trust no one." She removes the tape in the shape of an "X" from her window and begins packing. She's got an appointment with Dick!

And that's the end! That came as a surprise because the back half of the comic book is full of advertisements and an excerpt from the new Superman so that everybody knows Lobdell is off the title. Now get to cracking Lois's coded numbers, kids! It's not as easy as the Eli Ellis code from DC Challenge!

Futures End #2 Rating: No change. Firestorm threw a hissy fit and Lois Lane's nose began to twitch. I kind of expected a bit more than this. Although we did get a glimpse of Metamorpho! That was really exciting!

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