Green Arrow #31

Worst attributes for an Arrow Clan ever.

I guessed all the attributes for the Arrow Clan incorrectly last commentary. But it's not my fault because I was thinking of attributes that a person would actually use to describe an incredible archer! These attributes are shit. Although I did guess "enlightenment" as one of the Mask Clan attributes, so that's 1/2 Useless Point there. My updated guesses for the Mask Clan attributes on next month's cover are Obfuscation, Secrecy, and Autofellatio. Maybe Sight will be one of them because Magus is blind! That's profound or something, right?

This comic book needs more Aquaman! Especially since it was hinted way back in Justice League that Ollie and Arthur do not get along so well. Where's my Green Arrow and Aquaman stuck together in a tiny submarine story?

Last issue ended with Ollie yelling, "I hate you, Dad! You're stupid!" And then his dad was shot in the heart. This sentence is me resisting finishing the song lyric. This issue begins with Ollie yelling, "I love you, Daddy! I didn't mean it at all! Don't die!" But daddy dies. Ha ha! Serves you right, you ungrateful wretch!

I like seeing Green Arrow in pain because, as a hero, I do not like him at all. Remember how Green Arrow and Green Lantern had those buddy road trip comic books last century? I wish they'd do those again! But instead of Green Lantern, Oliver should be riding around the world on a sailboat with Aquaman. Oh the hijinks and gay sex that would ensue!

Once Ollie's dad dies, he touches his dad's arrow and relives all of the past comic books he's starred in over the last year. Luckily, the Nocenti and Krul days have been edited out for everybody's pleasure.

I've seen a number of complaints about Lady Onyx being whitewashed by DC Comics. But who the fuck can tell what color anybody's skin tone is in an Andrea Sorrentino comic book?

You know which Clan is the stupidest Clan? Just look at that panel again! Fists versus Swords? That sounds like a bad combination! Unless you're the protagonist in a kung fu movie and then you'll be okay. You'll be able to stop blades between the palms of your hands and shit! But if you're just a lowly Fist Clan member that doesn't have a named credit in the final credits roll, you're going to be in the Stumps Clan soon.

This is why I'm such a fan of science! Thinking through the evidence presented to you and taking it to its logical conclusion looks a lot like psychic ability and arcane wizardry!

I've been watching the new Cosmos every Sunday night and I have to admit, I generally wind up crying from the overwhelming feeling of elation brought on by each episode. Why do people believe in second hand ancient fairy tale bullshit when the actual truth of the universe is so moving and engaging and awe inspiring? And this is shit I already know but it's so fucking great to see it told in an engaging manner while taking the occasional potshot at less than curious people that would rather believe their ego will live forever than learn how their world really works.

A few years ago, I went down to Los Angeles to hang out with my friend Bob as he had some appointments with surgeons to see how much more work he needed on rebuilding his body. I think he was getting fitted with a Bionic Eye or something. Anyway, we were staying in adjoining rooms at a hotel with the connecting door left open so we could more easily drink with each other. I was watching some show on black holes or something and he came in and watched for a bit, turned to me, and said, "But how do they know?" That's a great question to ask! That's science! Don't take their fucking word on it! Find out how they know what they know and let your mind reel in amazement at the shit science has figured out. I think my answer was, "Science!" Which I admit, wasn't really very informative. But at least I didn't say, "An ancient text translated across a number of dead languages!" Although he might have accepted that as a fairly decent answer, having become a Christian since he was almost killed in Iraq. He'd been an atheist up until that point, so I think his new Christian family love that one of us saw the light and was redeemed! But he was never a curious learner, never a thinking atheist. He really just loved chanting "Satan" at people when he saw them reading The Bible on the bus. He was ripe for transitioning to their team!

Katana chops up some people and then gets ready to face Onyx, the leader of the Fist Clan. Luckily the Fist Totem isn't a mummified hand like I had been imagining it would be; it's a metal glove which should help in blocking Katana's Soultaker. This is the fight I thought should have taken place last issue with the Sword Clan cover!

Meanwhile, Komodo left Emiko alone with the good guys and loses her after she has one conversation with Shado.

Ungrateful wretch!

By the way, Emiko does kill Komodo.

Katana cuts off Onyx's hand. Then Onyx pulls a Skywalker and yells, "No!", and dives into the water to retrieve the Fist Totem. So I think Katana wins. It would have been really embarrassing for the Sword Clan to be defeated by the Fist Clan.

Green Arrow declines a job opportunity.

These commentaries are so much easier when I simply state the facts! I think I'll trade away a bunch of Followers to lighten my writing load! Hee hee. I said load. I also giggle when somebody says cream.

Emiko chooses to stay with Shado, her mother. But I'm sure she'll occasionally visit her big brother Ollie in Seattle.

Speaking of Seattle, Diggle, Naomi, and Henry are currently trying to stop Dick Dragon, Master of Kung Fu, from taking over the city. It's not really going very well. They'll probably need to be saved by the careful use of just the right trick arrow. You see, Clock King betrayed Diggle because he wanted to join the new Injustice League featuring Dick Dragon (Master of Kung Fu!), Brick, Count Vertigo, Killer Moth, and Red Dart. Seems like a sharper crew than the Injustice League usually goes for. Anyway, they want to kill Green Arrow to prove they have control over Seattle and they want Diggle to arrange the meet up. I guess there isn't going to be a Mask Clan Chapter of The Outsiders War since The Outsiders War is now over! That makes sense since they're a secret clan and shouldn't be exposing themselves to the public on the covers of comic books.

Green Arrow #31 Rating: No change. The Outsiders War's ending was a bit anti-climactic but it's definitely set up a great history and cast of characters for Rebooted Green Arrow to build upon. This was really a six issue Origin Story for the new Green Arrow, something he's been needing badly after how savagely he was abused and molested by Krul and Nocenti. The series also might have been better than I actually thought it was but since I don't care much for Green Arrow, I probably wasn't as engaged as I could have been. Maybe if Aquaman had guest starred?