Friday, May 16, 2014

Earth 2 #23

Was a satisfactory answer ever given as to why Red Tornado had a huge arrow pointing to his face? Did he get drunk at an android frat party? Does it say "Shit Here" on the other side of his head? And by "him", I'm referring to the original which Tornado Lane's look is based off of.

Tornado Lane isn't exactly a powerhouse hero, is she? No way is she going to defeat Flip the Fuck Out Superman in a physical match. I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of "try to remember me" and "I know, deep down, you still love me!" nonsense happening. At least, that's what I would expect in a regular book. But I think Tom Taylor has it in him to pull some wacky shit out of his writing pen.

Tornado Lane: "Superman! It's me, Lois! The greatest reporter the world has ever known! Also your wife!"
FtFO Superman: "WHAT?! Greatest reporter?! Clark Kent could report circles around the circles he was reporting around you!"
Tornado Lane: "Your pieces were nothing more than human interest stories! They were the bellybutton lint of real news! And your shitty opinion pieces were, frankly, shitty!"
FtFO Superman: "Without me, you'd only ever have written one article! And it would have been published posthumously!"
Tornado Lane: "KISS ME!"
FtFO Superman: "FUCK ME!"

Then Flip the Fuck Out Superman puts his dick in Tornado Lane's robotic asshole where her sphincter locks up and the kryptonite bomb stashed in her bowels blows them both into confetti.

I imagine this issue should play out something like that.

I imagine this is where Darkseid meows and then makes a cracking whip sound.

The parademon army nearby should have paid more attention to the message Darkseid was trying to convey because I don't think they would have shot Tornado Lane in the back if they realized how much power she had over Flip the Fuck Out Superman. As soon as Tornado Lane is harmed, Flip the Fuck Out Superman destroys about three thousand parademons with a single blast of heat vision.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman puts the war on hold for a bit so he can go somewhere private and "chat" with Tornado Lane. I put chat in quotation marks because it will probably just wind up being Tornado Lois screaming at Flip the Fuck Out Clark for acting like such a huge douche. They leave Val-el and Hawkcop to escape from three thousand more parademons.

And since Val-el is a pacifist, it doesn't look too good for Hawkcop's chances.

Don't worry! Queen Lantern comes along to save their asses. He says, "Who wants to live forever!" And then the parademons go, "We want to live forever!" And then Queen Lantern sings some other lyrics from that song or just goes right into Another One Bites the Dust. He really does remind me of Flash Gordon though!

Oh! Guess where Flip the Fuck Out Superman and Tornado Lane go to talk? A little farm in Smallville, Indianasksasowa! Flip the Fuck Out Clark wants Flip the Fuck Out Ma and Flip the Fuck Out Pa to see that Lois is still alive! Technically! Ma and Pa Kent seem to be dealing with their son's midlife crisis as well as any parents would. Or at least as well as the parents of that Lost in Space kid in that Twilight Zone episode. "What you done to the world, Clark? That's real good, Clark! Real good!" I bet Lana Lang is out in the fucking cornfield with Lex Luthor!

Meanwhile at the Replacement Batcave, the Not Quite the Justice Society are once again under attack.

If only Alfred were still around, he could have held it up at the front door.

Where is Alfred Pennyworth on Earth 2?! He must exist somewhere. I refuse to believe he's dead. I bet he was buried alive with Batman. But he was probably given a bunch of Batman's rebreathers so he can stay alive and dust the crypt every day.

Before the Not Quite the Justice Society can retreat through Sandman's portal to Themyscira, Red Speedy is bit in the neck by an Apokorat and goes down. Replacement Batman sets a self-destruct system (coded Azrael because Azrael blows) that counts down and blows up the Replacement Batcave after everybody escapes. Except Queen Lantern and Hawkcop don't choose to escape. They'd rather sit in the middle of a nuclear explosion than run away like chumps. I'm sure Queen Lantern kept them (and stupid Red Speedy) safe.

Earth 2 #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can't get enough of DC Comics when they're allowed to do whatever the fuck they want! Fuck having to make sure your comic book's continuity doesn't fuck up ten Batman comic books' continuities! I wish just about every comic book took place on a completely different Earth! That would be so much fun! DC should break away from one world tied together and just do more and more worlds! Crisis on Infinite Earths was the dumbest move the company ever made!

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