Justice League United #1

Try not to look so bored, Ollie. You're lucky to be on this team.

This is Issue #1 but it's the second issue of a five part story because the first part took place in Issue #0. This is a really irresponsible use of the Zero Issue format, DC Comics. You can't just start a comic book at Issue Zero! Issue Zero is for rejiggering origins! Or telling origins! Or throwing together a half-assed story simply to seem like you're doing something special. But to make it part of a five part opening story arc? Ludicrous! If I could, I'd take away your Comic Publisher credentials! Sickening.

Issue #0 was a pretty good beginning in a lot of ways. One way it wasn't any good was that it ended with Twat Lobo about to battle Hakwman (the "twat" in front of Hawkman is assumed). That fight doesn't really interest me. Although it might be the first time in the history of reading a DC Comic Book that I found myself rooting for Hawkman.

God dammit! Get up, you loser!

As an atheist, I should probably stop using the terms "God" and "Jesus Christ" and "Allah save me" and "By Joseph Smith's Golden Plates!" Although, truly, it just shows how secular religion has become. It's just part of the cultural landscape. A little tinsel on the zeitgeist of the modern age. I think it's some kind of conspiracy to get atheists used to taking your Lord's name in vain as just another curse when they stub their toe so that when the time finally comes and death is bearing down on one of us, we'll scream out, "Jesus Christ no!" Then at the funeral, some religious family member will be able to stand in front of my casket (closed due to what the hippopotami did to the body) and claim that I had, in the end, finally accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. It's bad enough I'll probably convert to Mormonism after I die; I don't want to also be thought of as a Born Again (Right Before Death) Christian as well!

Actually, I won't fucking care what people think of me when I'm dead. Because I'll be dead. And not thinking anything. In fact, at that point, I'm not even sure I can be considered dead. I'll just no longer exist. My organic husk will be dead. But that's not me. The brain isn't even me. It's the electrical impulses inside the brain that create the illusion of me!

Fuck me. I'm just a Las Vegas Magician's Illusion? Well, I guess there are worse things to be. Like a Las Vegas Magician!

Anyway, the fight continues.

Wrong! Twat Lobo took care of his spineless race! Hawkman is an ignorant mother fucker.

I will apologize to Hawkman if it turns out that Lobo's committing genocide against his own people is not actually a part of Twat Lobo's history. It's possible it's just a delusion of "Imposter" Lobo. I put "imposter" in quotation marks because I really meant to say the real and original and true Lobo. But I'm trying to respect Bennett's Twat History of the DC Universe which she created in Lobo #1 last September.

Meanwhile in Canada, the soon-to-be founding members of Justice League Canada are battling an elemental giant. My favorite thing so far about this team is the way Green Arrow and Animal Man take every opportunity to insult each other. Busting balls is such a time honored tradition, it's hard to think that our society is trying to move us to a place where it's frowned upon! How are you ever going to tell who is the best friend of whom when nobody is insulting the fuck out of each other?

Are you a human without any powers caught up in a battle against alien elemental giants?! Then put on a ridiculous costume!

I guess Adam Strange is smiling because he's a Professor of Alien Fashion and he can see some kind of battle potential in the crazy rocketeer outfit he just found. It just looks like a slightly more stylish than normal space suit! It's especially stylish in the area of not making the wearer look fat. So he'll already be one up on David Zavimbe and his Batwing suit.

By the very next panel, Adam Strange is already suited up and flying around with a laser gun in his hand. Just as I suspected! He is a professor of whatever I said he was a professor of earlier.

Here we get a glimpse of Green Arrow's usefulness.

J'onn reads the Elemental's mind and discovers it was experimented on by a conspiracy of Evil Mr. Smarty Pantses. It's just an innocent victim in all of this! So now he's going to have to convince it to stop fighting and get a real job. It'll probably have to resort to driving a taxi cab because it seems to have a lot of useful skills but it's going to need a work visa and who's going to hire it without any academic proof of its abilities? Instead of choosing that life, it instead chooses to kidnap J'onn and run away with him.

Back in Byth's compound on Thalhalla, Alanna leads an escape attempt by kicking Khund warriors in their Khund testicles. Her escape doesn't last long though because she soon finds herself in a room with Adam Strange. Too bad she doesn't know that Lord Byth is running this show and he has the ability to change into any creature he chooses. Right down to their special abilities. So Alanna isn't going to be able to tell this isn't Adam Strange even if he begins doing that special Canadian thing he does to her butthole that she loves so much.

I would normally thoroughly enjoy Hawkman losing an arm like this but since it's at the hands of Twat Lobo, it loses a little something.

The story keeps jumping back and forth between Canada and super outer space. You know, how comic books always do! Except maybe the Canada part. They rarely ever take place in Canada unless the words "Flight" and "Alpha" are on the cover. I just mention that because the next picture I'm going to scan in is back in Canada! I just didn't want anybody to be too terribly confused about the whole jumping back and forth thing. I suppose it gives the reader the sense that all of this action is happening simultaneously. It's a much better effect than forcing the reader to read both parts at the exact same time.

I've always liked Buddy Baker and never cared about Oliver Queen. But fuck it if Lemire isn't making me love the idea of him in this.

This might be the best Justice League title out there and it's only had two issues so far! I can see Animal Man and Green Arrow quickly becoming my favorite comic book pairing! Look out Booster and Beetle, you've got some competition! Although my real favorite duo is Ambush Bug and Cheeks. But I don't think that counts for some reason that Ambush Bug could probably explain to me.

Before the team can catch up to J'onn and Stargirl, they've turned the elemental into kindling. But even then, it continues to try to form a humanoid shape. As Green Arrow is about to burn it up with a Cigarette Lighter Arrow, the entire team (plus the sentient kindling) is transported to the planet Rann. One of those moons is probably Thalhalla. Maybe I should type the name of the moon correctly so I don't actually think it's called Thalhalla next month. No, fuck it. I can't remember names anyway. I'll just stick with my own!

Lord Byth really, really, really wants to try that special Canadian thing.

After Lord Byth is rejected, he decides to introduce Alanna to the reason he and Twat Lobo are collecting creatures from all over the universe.

Really? Justice League Canada is going to have to battle a baby? That baby is fucked!

I hope Byth gives Ultra the Multi-Alien a real name. Like Ace!

Justice League United #1 Rating: +4 Ranking. Best Justice League so far! If you need more reasons why it's a good read, go read a real review on Comic Vineyard. This comic review site is akin to getting shitfaced while hanging out under the bleachers at the Homecoming Game.