Friday, May 2, 2014

Batman Eternal #4

This cover makes less sense than people who defend Aquaman.

It's recently been brought to my attention that I don't mock and deride Aquaman enough. I've really let him slide. But we've entered a time and place where there are more defenders of Aquaman than there are detractors. Aquaman fans have grown tired of keeping their love of the King of the Seas to themselves for fear of being ridiculed and wedgied. They were exhausted trying to explain to people why he was such an amazing hero only to have people point out he rides giant seahorses. But in the anti-bullying air of our modern world, they have finally decided enough was enough. They have risen up and shouted, "Enough!" "Aquaman is cool!" they shout! "Aquaman is strong and a king and bullet proof or something!" they passionately yell as they realize they're quickly running out of ways to make him seem interesting. "He talks to fish!" they shout at the same time the Aquaman haters shout, "He talks to fish!" Realizing that talking about Aquaman isn't going to prove that Aquaman is awesome, they have begun to deride those of us that know Aquaman is not awesome. They want to portray people who think of Aquaman as a joke as being outside the comic book fandom. They say people who hate Aquaman only do it to sound cool and to make friends with cool people and to impress good looking people who will want to kiss them after they hear them say Aquaman is dumb. Well, I'm not going to stand for that kind of shit! I am nearly a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader and I am declaring that Aquaman sucks! Now who wants to kiss me?

Oh my god! I just had a great idea! DC should have Scott Lobdell write Aquaman! I wonder if Rob Liefeld has calmed down and is ready to work with DC again because he'd be the perfect artist for the job!

I also realized I have a positive thing to say about Aquaman! He's having sex with possibly one of the best characters in DC Comics, Mera! Also that thing about him riding giant seahorses? That's one of my favorite things about him! If Aquaman fans really wanted to win me over to loving Aquaman, they should point out how silly he was treated back when DC Comics didn't really know what they were doing. I think that was the first sixty years of the company. I like whimsical Aquaman! Also I like hard, dirty, bearded Aquaman by Peter David. Hmm. Maybe I like Aquaman?

I wish Aquaman had a weekly comic book! I would call it Aquaman's Undersea Adventures and Fun Time Sea-Pony Rides!

Enough about Aquaman! Let's point out how stupid Batman is now!

Gordon is still being railroaded by the corrupt legal system of Gotham.

Here's how you can tell the judicial system in Gotham is corrupt: a police officer is actually being treated like a criminal for firing his gun and getting people killed. That never happens! Cops constantly go around shooting people indiscriminately and never wind up paying for it! They might get some paid leave as the situation is investigated but they never wind up in court and they're never held in a jail cell! Ever! So when a police commissioner that's well known for actually doing his job fairly and well winds up in Blackgate Prison, you know it's due to corruption! The corruption that normally would let Gordon go free proves the corruption that's causing Gordon to end up in a cell in Blackgate!

Batgirl is a bit pissed off that her father has been arrested. Also because the judge declared that billions of dollars in damages were done to the city's infrastructure due to the subway accident. There's no way he's going to be able to reimburse the city on his commissioner's salary. So she heads out into the night to beat up on Pyg's thugs knowing that Batman will show up so she can ask him for a loan.

Meanwhile the new Commissioner's Number One Priority is to take down The Batman.

Ho hum. Yes, yes. Crooked cops hate Batman but love gang wars. Batman has never caused any deaths but he must be stopped for vigilantism before gangs filling the streets with drugs and death can be dealt with. Blah blah blah. So bored of this crap.

I guess this is the main story of Batman, whether I like it or not. There's a reason Gotham needs a vigilante. The cops are crooked and they suck and they just want to line their pockets. Sure, there are a few good ones like a bunch I can't name off the top of my head. You know, the fat guy and the brown girl and the lesbian and the new white guy and the ginger sitting in jail. But aside from those cops, the rest are smudgy little dingleberries. It seems like over half of Gotham's problems are committed in the name of stopping the Batman. Maybe Batman would do more good if he became Secret Batman instead of Symbol of Fear Batman! I think he needs less notoriety.

Batman decides to speak with Falcone by crashing through Falcone's skylight instead of ringing the doorbell. And then Batman is surprised when Falcone's thuggish secretaries don't want to let him into the office! Maybe Commissioner Forbes is right! This man is a menace!

For some reason, Batman doesn't smash Falcone's face through a table the way he did to The Penguin's face. I think Batman is playing favorites! Or he's afraid of Falcone. I think I'll go with that one! Batman is a coward!

Meanwhile in the Batcave, Batgirl has decided running around smashing tables with The Penguin's face and kicking in Falcone's skylight is less effective than doing actual research on the Batcomputer.

She's really good with computers. I wonder if she's ever thought about doing it for a living?

Barbara finds a lead using the computer and Batman says, "PSHAW! If I didn't discover it, it won't lead anywhere!" And Batgirl says, "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! YOU AREN'T THE ONLY HERO IN THE DC UNIVERSE!" Then I stand up and applaud.

And then the best part of Batman Eternal happens as Gordon is brought to Blackgate!

An appearance by Warden Agatha Zorbatos! SWOON!

Gordon is thrown into Blackgate's general population because that's exactly what you do with somebody awaiting trial who hasn't been convicted yet! Fuck the county jail cells. Just put him in with murderers and rapists and those guys that sold half a pound of weed in the eighties who are now watching as America increasingly comes to terms with the legalization of the drug while they continue to rot in prison for the rest of their lives. American Justice! It's the best!

Batman Eternal #4 Rating: No change. I think I'm going to stop doing commentaries on Batman Eternal. I think this comic book is going to drive me to hate Batman! He's like a guest that won't fucking take a hint and go home! He's like my old neighbor that used to come over to the window with a beer and stand there trying to talk with me while I was inside playing computer games. Go find somebody else to be friends with, Drunk Batman! Can't you see I'm busy and just want to be left alone?!

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