Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Superboy #31

Aaron Kuder did write the definitive origin for The Parasite, so I'm not surprised to see him show up here. I mean definitive for The New 52 which is the only thing that currently matters!

Do I mention the time I met Aaron Kuder every time I read a comic book he worked on? Because I did! Let me tell the story again!

It was a day like every other day but unlike no other day ever. Unless those things are the same thing. Then it was better somehow and more different. A kinder day! It was the day of the Portland Comicon. The year was 2000 and something. The month was one of the rainier ones. A woman in a Tank Girl costume nearly ran me over in the lobby. Some other stuff happened and then I got to the part of the day when I met Aaron Kuder. He was sitting lonely at a table, weeping and desolate. The room dimmed about his area and people walked around his table as if he were handing out free injections of an insidious disease. Probably one of the worst ones you can Google if you took the time to Google deadly diseases. Three tumbleweeds bounced off of his pathetic face and I knew I had to approach him or my heart would die of sadness. His table faced the Slushee Stand and millions of people gathered around with green and blue stains all over their joyous faces. "These are so delicious!" they would say! Occasionally one of them would glance at Aaron Kuder and it would ruin their day. They would throw the Slushee into the trash and ask loudly, "Where is the nearest bridge which I can throw myself from, for I have looked into the Heart of Darkness this day and even the deliciousness of my Slushee could not save me!" But I was the hero of this story and I would brave the loneliness matrix created by Aaron Kuder's unpopularity! It would be me that he would remember!

"Hello," I began, trying not to break into tears. He smelled of old people's dying dreams. "Don't you draw Superman?"

"I wish!" he exclaimed and accidentally sprayed me with wailing-from-the-sadness-of-the-soul amounts of snot. I pretended not to notice because I had my brave face on. "No, I just draw stupid Kyle Rayner's stupid face."

"Aha," I continued. "Draw something for me, asshole." I threw my New 52 Big Book of First Issues into his lap where he eagerly pulled it open and found an empty space to draw on. He gasped as he saw the other signatures in the book. "You met Scott Lobdell?!" His eyes looked like run over turtles.

"Yes. Yes I did." I magnanimously looked him in the eye as I answered his question. "He was very impressed."

"I dream of becoming a legend like Mister Lobdell!" he said and I uncomfortably shifted my glance as a bulge began to appear in his pants. "Would you like a drawing?"

"Please," I continued, "Draw me something worthwhile. Perhaps Catwoman riding Superman's face as Batman watches and masturbates in a cup held by Alfred."

"I'm only contracted by DC to draw Kyle Rayner right now. But I've been promised to draw Superman soon! Tyler Kirkham told me so when I was cleaning up his lunch in the DC Cafeteria last week!"

"Fine. You may draw Kyle Rayner, if you must. But I won't be happy about it." Then the part where he drew the picture happened. It was during that part that I noticed hundreds of people gathered around and admiring my bravery for approaching a creator that was so uncool and sad. I nodded casually at them and they exploded into thunderous applause. Then I noticed Aaron was about done, so I snatched my book from him and said, "That's enough! You're welcome!" I then turned and marched away. And I swear, the area around Aaron Kuder became a little warmer after that and far fewer people threw away their Slushees.

I bet Aaron Kuder tells the story exactly the same way! What an amazing day!

Anyway, this comic book story is almost exactly like my story I just told! It's about Superboy (me!) meeting The Parasite (Aaron Kuder!). But first he needs to flirt with the New Newsboy Legion.

I really only scanned this picture because my story took so long and all these words needed a picture to break them up. Plus the story is taking forever to get to the meeting between Superboy and The Parasite!

While Superboy's half-naked body is being ogled by the New Newsboys, The Parasite is being molested by the delivery drivers. One of them has dared the other one to teabag The Parasite. Then The Parasite is going to suddenly have the powers of this guy's nuts. I guess he'll be able to shoot sperm at everyone? Which he apparently does with explosive results because alarms begin going off all over the complex. This looks like a job for Superman! But he's busy turning into Doomsday, so it's probably more of a job for The Guardian! And maybe with a little help from Superboy.

This entrance was so stupid it made me laugh out loud. I'm a connoisseur of stupid!

Superboy and The Parasite fight for a bit. You can probably imagine it. Punches and one-liners (mostly advertising campaigns). And then Superboy sucks out The Parasite's power and slices him into pieces. Then Joke-el realizes that he's been seeing Kon-el in mirrors and shit and that Kon-el is real! He just needs to find him and merge with him and this comic book will finally be cancelled!

Superboy #31 Rating: No change. This comic book has been much better than it previously was. I think Justin Jordan's short run on the book was promising but it got mixed up in more of Lobdell's stupid shit. At least Aaron Kuder has been given permission to write a Superboy story that's finally about Superboy!

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