Monday, May 26, 2014

Pandora #11

Vandal Savage is going to be in this comic book and he didn't make the cover? I guess DC doesn't want to sell very many issues.

Hey Pandora! Are you completely embarrassed about how shitty your story has become? You were like the biggest big deal in The New 52 before this shit even began! You were all making cameo's in Flashpoint when the worlds merged and shit. People were all, "Whoa! Who the fuck is that woman?! What does she have to do with DC fucking up their shit?" And then you made an appearance in every single first issue of The New 52. All the fans were ruining their underwear with sexual juices of the female and male kinds (you know the kinds! The sexy kinds that happen for sex!) and screaming on the internet, "Who is this mysterious person?! What does she have to do with anything?!" Unless they weren't. It's probable that everybody already knew from the solicits and the big mouths at DC that it was Pandora and that she would be an integral part of Flashpoint and The New 52.

But where are you now, Pandora? Is your skull still going to be valuable?! Are you going to fix it and open it again and create the third weekly comic book, Multiversity? I'm not sure anybody else really cares what you do next. DC squandered your potential. They obviously decided the Trinity War wasn't going to work very well and opted for Forever Evil instead. It was a real amateur card trick they pulled there! A real magic boner!

Can you imagine a magic boner? It would be all twinkly and pigeons would fly out of it and then it would disappear only to reappear in a magic consensual vagina!

Last issue, Pandora got beat down hardcore by Giganta. It was thoroughly as entertaining as it sounds and possibly more so. This issue, hopefully she gets beat down hardercore by Vandal Savage. And hopefully it's thoroughlyier more entertaining than that sounds.

It looks like Agent Kincaid wants to do some beating down of her own. Hopefully she doesn't accidentally hit Vandal Savage!

SHADE doesn't want to kill Pandora anymore. I don't know why they wanted to kill her in the first place. I suppose they bought into the same hype that Agent Kincaid has recently purchased. She believes Pandora is the "mother of all evil" and that Forever Evil was her fault. I don't think it's right to continue blaming her for finding the Crime Syndicate's Portal Remote Control and accidentally pressing the open button. If it wasn't her, it would have been the next idiot to come along. Although she still might be to blame for Flashpoint and The New 52, so I suppose she should be killed just for that. Even if the evidence is entirely circumstantial and The Flash may be just as much at fault as Pandora. The amount of people who are still upset by The New 52 probably means somebody should be punished even if it's the wrong person. And if the person punished isn't Dan DiDio then it's almost certainly the wrong person.

This is the romantic part. It takes place after the action part and before the grim death match part. According to Hollywood, it is a necessary evil to keep females engaged in the plot.

After the romantic part, all hell breaks loose as Pandora is shot by the God Killer Gun and Vandal Savage tears into the parking lot in an ambulance and forgets how to open the door. It's always more exciting when doors, walls, and windows are abused by the characters.

What's the matter, Marcus Aurelius? No last words of wisdom?

Pandora battles Kincaid who turns out to be a Werecrow because SHADE Agents are all kinds of monsters. Kincaid is no match for Pandora in hand to hand combat but it doesn't really matter because Pandora's ability to regenerate has been neutralized by the God Killer Gun. That'll make Vandal Savage's job a bit easier.

Pandora previously told Kincaid she could cure her Werecrowism if Kincaid wanted and Kincaid responded, "Do I look like I want to be cured?" But Kincaid doesn't offer Pandora the same choice. Who's the real monster here, hunh? Oh yeah! It's probably the Werecrow.

And this is when Vandal Savage arrives for the beat downings. But it'll have to wait until next issue, dammit.

Pandora #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. That ranking is for the art. It looked fucking sloppy and flat this issue. Pandora's trenchcoat costume didn't even look like it's the best outfit in the DC Universe this issue. So disappointed.

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