Friday, May 16, 2014

Batman Loves Superman #10

I already find this story unbelievable. Bruce only allows two things to enter his body: microscopic Alfred Pennyworth and Catwoman's strap-on.

I see Jeff Lemire has taken over the writing duties on this comic book, at least for one issue. Who does Jeff Lemire think he is? Charles Soule?! How many comic books can he write each month? I mean good comic books! Obviously you can write a lot of comic books each month if you don't give a shit about the quality of your stories. Right, Scott Lobdell?

I've written a lot of commentaries (how many comic books has The New 52 released? That's how many! Plus some Marvel books) over the last two years and gained a lot of bias toward certain writers. Right, Scott Lobdell? So I think it might be time for an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Reboot! Forget everything I've ever written previous to this point (except the stuff I've written for Green Lantern. Green Lantern is impervious to rebooting for some reason)! Forget how many times I cursed Tom Defalco's mother's vagina or Scott Lobdell's father's fertility! From now on, I will forget all of DC's past sins! I'm dying on the cross for these bastards and muttering, "Forgive them, DC Fans. They know not what they've done." Or something. Whatever the quote is. How should I know? I've forgotten everything that happened right up until this period! I mean exclamation point!

My reboot was called by Fleshpoint! That's where I masturbated so fervently that I whacked my head on a coffee table and forgot everything I knew prior to Fleshpoint. Although I somehow retained my memories of everything that has happened in The New 52 so far, I've conveniently forgotten how various writers and artists tried to ruin my experience of it.

The first page of this issue is an advertisement for Jeff Lemire's past and current DC work.

Let's see...this comic is called Batman Loves Superman and Lemire's trying to make me think Superman is on the scene. That means it must be Batman!

Actually, it is Superman. I guess Jeff Lemire is one of those hack writers that depends on comic book cliches! And there's no bigger cliche than saying something about a bird and then something about a plane and then something about Superman. That was already old when my mom was giving blow jobs in her junior high school boy's bathroom.

1960s Junior High School Boy: "Look in my pants, Tess's mom!"
Tess's Mom: "Is it a bird?"
1960s Junior High School Boy: "Nope! It's not a plane either! It's my Superman!"
Tess's Mom: "Ew. Looks like your Superman choked on some yogurt, Barry Allen. Who's next?"

Superman needs Dr. Ray Palmer's help because Batman picked up some deadly something while visiting the Chinese Space Station. That'll teach Batman not to drink the water aboard a foreign space station. You'd think Batman would not have picked up some kind of bug while in space because he was probably wearing a closed system spacesuit. He probably had to take his shoes off before entering the space station. Wait, is that a Japanese thing? It's not that I'm racist and think all Asians are the same! I can tell the difference between Koreans and Indians! It's just that I've forgotten so much due to Fleshpoint!

I forgot to elaborate on why Superman needs Ray Palmer to help Batman get better. Although do I really have to? You've seen the cover! It's time for an Incredible Journey! Superman used his ridiculous sounding "microscopic vision" to scan Batman for Chinese Space Parasites when Batman collapsed into a coma after returning from Chinese Space.

Isn't this how Sue Dibney died?

Dr. Palmer outfits himself in his Shrink Gear and Superman doesn't show any symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder when he sees how much he looks like Atomica. Superman also tries to force Ray Palmer to think up a superhero name right on the spot! Why the fuck can't Ray Palmer just be Ray Palmer, scientist? Why does he have to be a weirdo freakazoid like Superman? Not everybody likes to dress up in skin tight outfits and parade their jiggly bits around town for everyone to gawk at while asking to be called some crazy name like Superjunk or Batmeat.

Ray and Clark shrink down and head into Batman's brain to explore Batman's new Brain City. You know, I've been to China! I wonder if I have a brain city in my brain now! Batman's was erected in the part of the brain that controls sleep which is why he's in a coma. Mine may have been erected in the part of the brain that controls inhibition which is why I write such personal stuff on the internet! Like how I whacked my head while masturbating and how my mother charged two Hostess Cupcakes a pop for blow jobs in the bathroom in junior high!

Once inside Batman's head, Superman loses his Shrink Helmet because nobody wants to read about Superman without being able to look at his masculine jawline and super cute hair curl. Ray Palmer believes the city is actually a spaceship that just looks like a city surrounded by an alien jungle. That makes sense if you live in a comic book, I guess. Who am I to judge what makes sense at this point when I've already bought into the journey into Batman's brain part of the story?!

Once inside the Batman's Brain City, Superman and Ray meet one of the natives.

Such Western propaganda! The white alien always has to solve the problems of the blue, jungle aliens!

And just to prove my point that I'm not overreacting like most people but reacting just right like I always do, the next page confirms that it's all about race!

And since Ray Palmer's universal translator isn't quite translating properly, I'm sure "pink-skin" was really a very nasty word! One so nasty that even grown ass, oversensitive adults can't bear to say it out loud when simply having a normal discussion on the word.

The microscopic super villains attacking Superman are called Dr. Smashammer and Titan Super Gladiator! I think Ray Palmer's translator is only able to translate alien languages into Japanese first and then into other languages.

As Titan Super Gladiator rips the Shrink Belt from Superman's waist, I realize that Karl Kerschl must not have been reading the script as he was doing the art earlier. Superman was looking at a helmet when he was asking Ray Palmer about the shrink technology and Ray explained it was called a Shrink Belt. So I think Superman was never supposed to wear a helmet at all! The Shrink Belt was all he needed. Anyway, when Titan Super Gladiator tears the belt from Superman, it ejects Gladiator from Batman's brain and causes him to grow to regular Earth proportions. It does not cause Superman to do the same though which seems like a fault in the equipment somehow. Now how is Superman supposed to grow big again?! I would expect not wearing the Shrink Belt to cause him to not be shrunk?

Superman takes out Dr. Smashammer after uttering another cliche Superman phrase, "That actually hurt." Is this Lemire guy a total hack or what?!

Anyway, now that the action scene is over, Ray Palmer sets up his P.R.I.M.P. because S.H.A.D.E. loves acronyms. That's why S.H.A.D.E. stands for Super Hero Acronym Definition Entities. I don't know exactly what the P.R.I.M.P. does because Ray is going to explain it as he tells Superman what it stands for. And I want to guess at what it stands for before I read what it stands for! But that's going to be hard since I don't know what it does! It must be something that makes small things larger and extracts them from brains! So it's probably a Portable Restorative Inverse Matter Projector.

I guess inducing reductions can be thought of as primping? At least I got the "portable" part correct!

The P.R.I.M.P. shrinks down the city and places it inside an empty Ant Farm. Superman puts that helmet on that he was wearing previously so that they can speak via radio. Also so Superman doesn't suck down any of Batman's blood which is probably just chock full of Fear Toxin. Batman might be immune to this stuff by now but to Superman, it would be like receiving shitty gifts from the white man.

Meanwhile, Batman wakes up just in time to be called the P-Word.

Reacting violently to a verbal insult is not responding "appropriately." Although reacting violently to the creature violently attacking Batman probably is. I guess I should cut Batman some slack since he did just awaken from a coma.

Batman pounds the shit out of Titan Super Gladiator while insulting his intelligence, his fighting techniques, and his looks. I would say Batman is a huge asshole committing a hate crime except this creature did just try to kill him. I think it's probably acceptable to spew derogatory comments at somebody that's trying to kill you. Of course, that's just what I think! Don't think anybody else in this humorless, reactionary society we live in is going to let a victim off the hook for being mean.

That's Titan Super Gladiator to you, Superdick.

After everything is wrapped up somewhat messily, Superman feels optimistic about Ray Palmer and his possible new super hero name of The Atom and all of his shrinking technology. Batman, on the other hand, feels paranoid and grumpy about it. He also has the nerve to "humph" all over Ray Palmer's choice of the name The Atom when he calls himself The Jeezly Crow Batman. Although the "humph" might be directed more toward the fact that somebody named "Atomica" fucked with Superman's brain using the same kinds of powers. He also might remember, just a little bit, how Sue Dibny died.

Also, Batman is right to be paranoid. He's always right! It's so Goddamned tiresome!

Well there go all the secret identities!

Batman Loves Superman #10 Rating: +2 Ranking. See how this can be done? See, DC? A story that takes place in a single issue of a single comic book series! I didn't think y'all had the technology to do it but this hack writer, Jeff Lemire (whoever he is!), was capable of it! Perhaps he just didn't know that it was impossible and so he was able to do it. Plus, this single issue, self-contained story opens up possibilities for future stories and problems further down the line. Also, it dealt with S.H.A.D.E. because Frankentstein, Agent of S.H.A.D.E., should never have been cancelled. Dumb dumb comic book readers that don't know how to purchase and read the correct comic books!

No comments:

Post a Comment