I already find this story unbelievable. Bruce only allows two things to enter his body: microscopic Alfred Pennyworth and Catwoman's strap-on.
I've written a lot of commentaries (how many comic books has The New 52 released? That's how many! Plus some Marvel books) over the last two years and gained a lot of bias toward certain writers. Right, Scott Lobdell? So I think it might be time for an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Reboot! Forget everything I've ever written previous to this point (except the stuff I've written for Green Lantern. Green Lantern is impervious to rebooting for some reason)! Forget how many times I cursed Tom Defalco's mother's vagina or Scott Lobdell's father's fertility! From now on, I will forget all of DC's past sins! I'm dying on the cross for these bastards and muttering, "Forgive them, DC Fans. They know not what they've done." Or something. Whatever the quote is. How should I know? I've forgotten everything that happened right up until this period! I mean exclamation point!
My reboot was called by Fleshpoint! That's where I masturbated so fervently that I whacked my head on a coffee table and forgot everything I knew prior to Fleshpoint. Although I somehow retained my memories of everything that has happened in The New 52 so far, I've conveniently forgotten how various writers and artists tried to ruin my experience of it.
The first page of this issue is an advertisement for Jeff Lemire's past and current DC work.
Let's see...this comic is called Batman Loves Superman and Lemire's trying to make me think Superman is on the scene. That means it must be Batman!
1960s Junior High School Boy: "Look in my pants, Tess's mom!"
Tess's Mom: "Is it a bird?"
1960s Junior High School Boy: "Nope! It's not a plane either! It's my Superman!"
Tess's Mom: "Ew. Looks like your Superman choked on some yogurt, Barry Allen. Who's next?"
Superman needs Dr. Ray Palmer's help because Batman picked up some deadly something while visiting the Chinese Space Station. That'll teach Batman not to drink the water aboard a foreign space station. You'd think Batman would not have picked up some kind of bug while in space because he was probably wearing a closed system spacesuit. He probably had to take his shoes off before entering the space station. Wait, is that a Japanese thing? It's not that I'm racist and think all Asians are the same! I can tell the difference between Koreans and Indians! It's just that I've forgotten so much due to Fleshpoint!
I forgot to elaborate on why Superman needs Ray Palmer to help Batman get better. Although do I really have to? You've seen the cover! It's time for an Incredible Journey! Superman used his ridiculous sounding "microscopic vision" to scan Batman for Chinese Space Parasites when Batman collapsed into a coma after returning from Chinese Space.
Isn't this how Sue Dibney died?
Ray and Clark shrink down and head into Batman's brain to explore Batman's new Brain City. You know, I've been to China! I wonder if I have a brain city in my brain now! Batman's was erected in the part of the brain that controls sleep which is why he's in a coma. Mine may have been erected in the part of the brain that controls inhibition which is why I write such personal stuff on the internet! Like how I whacked my head while masturbating and how my mother charged two Hostess Cupcakes a pop for blow jobs in the bathroom in junior high!
Once inside Batman's head, Superman loses his Shrink Helmet because nobody wants to read about Superman without being able to look at his masculine jawline and super cute hair curl. Ray Palmer believes the city is actually a spaceship that just looks like a city surrounded by an alien jungle. That makes sense if you live in a comic book, I guess. Who am I to judge what makes sense at this point when I've already bought into the journey into Batman's brain part of the story?!
Once inside the Batman's Brain City, Superman and Ray meet one of the natives.
Such Western propaganda! The white alien always has to solve the problems of the blue, jungle aliens!
And since Ray Palmer's universal translator isn't quite translating properly, I'm sure "pink-skin" was really a very nasty word! One so nasty that even grown ass, oversensitive adults can't bear to say it out loud when simply having a normal discussion on the word.
As Titan Super Gladiator rips the Shrink Belt from Superman's waist, I realize that Karl Kerschl must not have been reading the script as he was doing the art earlier. Superman was looking at a helmet when he was asking Ray Palmer about the shrink technology and Ray explained it was called a Shrink Belt. So I think Superman was never supposed to wear a helmet at all! The Shrink Belt was all he needed. Anyway, when Titan Super Gladiator tears the belt from Superman, it ejects Gladiator from Batman's brain and causes him to grow to regular Earth proportions. It does not cause Superman to do the same though which seems like a fault in the equipment somehow. Now how is Superman supposed to grow big again?! I would expect not wearing the Shrink Belt to cause him to not be shrunk?
Superman takes out Dr. Smashammer after uttering another cliche Superman phrase, "That actually hurt." Is this Lemire guy a total hack or what?!
Anyway, now that the action scene is over, Ray Palmer sets up his P.R.I.M.P. because S.H.A.D.E. loves acronyms. That's why S.H.A.D.E. stands for Super Hero Acronym Definition Entities. I don't know exactly what the P.R.I.M.P. does because Ray is going to explain it as he tells Superman what it stands for. And I want to guess at what it stands for before I read what it stands for! But that's going to be hard since I don't know what it does! It must be something that makes small things larger and extracts them from brains! So it's probably a Portable Restorative Inverse Matter Projector.
I guess inducing reductions can be thought of as primping? At least I got the "portable" part correct!
Meanwhile, Batman wakes up just in time to be called the P-Word.
Reacting violently to a verbal insult is not responding "appropriately." Although reacting violently to the creature violently attacking Batman probably is. I guess I should cut Batman some slack since he did just awaken from a coma.
That's Titan Super Gladiator to you, Superdick.
Also, Batman is right to be paranoid. He's always right! It's so Goddamned tiresome!
Well there go all the secret identities!