Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Birds of Prey #31

Batgirl is the magician with the birds up her sleeves. Hopefully she makes Condor disappear.

Issue #31 has got to be the issue where we finally learn the reason that the Birds of Prey exists as a group! It's possible Black Canary brought them together to investigate rumors of that guy that never existed and his invisible henchman although I'm not entirely convinced of that. I feel it's more probable that she brought together all of the people who had suspicions that she killed Kurt Lance so that she could keep an eye on them. If she saw any hint that they were going to sell her out to the police or to Amanda Waller or to some secret government agency that everybody fucking already knows about anyway, she could scream in their faces until their eyes melted and their ears blew out. It's also entirely possible that she was just fucking lonely and the only people that would hang out with her were psychotic killers and Batgirl.

People have been lamenting the end of this comic book, so I guess it's been cancelled. Although I don't know why people are sad because this book has been horrible. It's been better since Christy Marx took over but she committed one glaring error: she never killed off Condor. What DC really should have done was cancel this after Swierczynski's run and then given it to Marx to reboot a few months later. This book just needs some direction and the death of one character and it could be really fun.

This issue is called "Death Jump"?! Do I dare hope that describes the actions of a certain purple headed maroon?!

This Singaporean guy has the ability to teleport like a Blink Dog if you're nerdy enough to know what those are. If you aren't nerdy enough, they're dogs that can teleport like this Singaporean guy! But they're not as mean as he is. This guy is a killer and I think Blink Dogs are friendly unless you take their food or hit them with a souvenir baseball bat.

Jesus Christ, how many more problems is Gordon going to have to deal with? He should fucking retire already.

This takes place before Gordon winds up in Blackgate, so at least Gordon doesn't realize he has a lot of shit to deal with yet. Although he might be dealing with Ricky's lawsuit and now he's going to have to try not to die while not losing hundreds of thousands of dollars as well. Maybe getting killed by Axton is the simple way out. Oh! I know! They can disguise Condor as Jim Gordon and let Condor get killed! That'll solve everybody's problems, especially mine!

Over on Mother Eve's Immortality Cruises, Kurt Lance is pretending he doesn't know Black Canary because he fell in love with somebody else when he woke up from his coma. I forgive him for falling in love with Condor at first sight though. Kurt hasn't had a chance to realize how fucking idiotic the bastard really is.

Or maybe Kurt really does have brain damage. I bet he'd remember Amanda Waller though!

The Birds of Prey become involved in the whole Axton trying to kill Gordon affair (that'll be the name of my first spy thriller: That Whole Axton Trying To Kill Gordon Affair) because Batgirl seems attached to Gordon for some reason. I know he's her dad but is that supposed to mean they have some kind of emotional connection or something? If I had to judge all child/father relationships by my own relationship with my father, I'd say that Batgirl thinks of him as some guy that was never around and now wants to be really close friends for some reason. Stop trying so hard, Dad! Just make sure I'm in the will and we'll be square! Especially if you have some teleporting assassin after you.

Who am I kidding? My father's will can probably fit on a cocktail napkin! He could have been a millionaire and retired on his Intel stocks if he hadn't been a raging alcoholic that decided to sell all of his employee stocks as soon as he got them to fuel his next blackout! Now I have to be responsible for my own person instead of living large on a hefty inheritance? Thanks a lot, jerko!

The Birds of Prey make a plan to capture Axton. Hopefully they remember to pick up Strix since she's their heavy hitter. While they're making plans to stop Axton, Axton is foiling their plans and currently kidnapping Gordon.

Don't worry, Babs! This story takes place before Batman Eternal! So he'll be fine! For now.

Luckily for the Birds of Prey, Axton doesn't kill Gordon immediately. That's also lucky for Gordon! Axton wants to hunt him like a virgin in a labyrinth. Perhaps if this is a Minotaur's Labyrinth analogy, Condor gets to be Icarus!

I think I spend too much time hoping for Condor's death. But I had a really shitty day today, so I'm really fucking hoping for something that would make me extremely happy and put me forever in Christy Marx's debt.

By working together (mostly by Strix just getting stabbed eighteen thousand times), the Birds of Prey manage to subdue Axton without anybody getting hurt! Boo! Hiss! Couldn't just one person have gotten hurt? Seriously hurt? Mortally hurt!

Why don't you just let it drop, Gordon! Your son was a dick!

And then the issue ends with Batgirl worrying about her dad for some reason. He's a grown man. He can take care of himself. Unless your boyfriend sues him for every last cent. That might take the wind out of his sails a bit and send him spiraling into a depression from which he'll never recover.

Birds of Prey #31 Rating: No change. I was so hoping Condor would die. If Christy Marx kills Condor, Birds of Prey will rocket to the top spot on my New 52 Chart! It will deservedly knock Batman and Robin from the top spot. And if it's the final issue, it will retire with a #1 Ranking! That will probably send people out to buy Swierczynski's trades. After which, they'll probably curse me and wonder what the fuck is wrong with my ability to review comic books.

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