Batgirl #31

I'm completely against this Rag Doll makeover. Everybody seems to just love this version of Rag Doll, probably because he liked to say things that sounded really inappropriate but not inappropriate enough that an editor couldn't tell Gail Simone that she had to change his dialogue. Also because Rag Doll looks modern and people like things that look better than they looked before! Some modern looks don't look better than old fashioned looks, like buildings in the 70s versus Victorian era buildings. But in Rag Doll's case, I think most people probably would choose his new look over his old look. Not me! I'm a fan of his original look!

"What look is that?" you ask, stupefied at how sexy I am.

"Well," I respond, winking seductively with both eyes at the same time, "let me show you!"

I wonder if Steve Leialoha was yelled at by Robert Greenberger or Len Wein for drawing Rag Doll flipping everyone off?

I don't actually know if this Rag Doll has anything to do with the Rag Doll from Secret Six. I do like how this was an exciting character in comics at some point. Also, this Rag Doll fought side by side with Ultra-Humanite. If I were a super hero and I just dropped through a skylight to be confronted by a gigantic living doll hanging out with a huge albino ape, I think I'd just climb back out of the building and retire.

This issue begins with Alysia and her hoodlum friends being stalked by Ragdoll. And possibly being fucked by him?

The only thing Ramon needs help with is putting on the condom.

Too bad Alysia hasn't snooped around Barbara's van enough and discovered she was Batgirl or else she'd know to call her roommate for help. Instead, Barbara is visiting Ricky in a hospital she hates for a variety of reasons. I hate it because it's the place where the last panel of Batgirl #1 took place. I think I'm getting sweaty and sick just thinking of that horrible panel. I'd scan it in to show how bad it was but I've completely filled it in with black magic marker so when I reread Batgirl #1, the comic isn't ruined by that god awful final panel!

A woman with diamond shapes on her clothing has followed Barbara here and is taking candid photos of her. That will probably mean something later! Something bad! I'm pretty good at reading the subtext in stories!

The best part about Barbara's visit is that she receives tamales. Lucky! Nothing better than homemade tamales! Not that tamales are made any other way. I think no matter where you eat a tamale, it was made at somebody's home in a batch of 5,000. The worst part of Barbara's visit is Ricky's surprise news.

Don't worry, Babs. Nothing will come of this. Who has time to hear this lawsuit by one punk kid when your dad is being sued by the families of all two hundred people lost in the subway accident he caused?

Instead of having sex in a hospital bed with Ricky's mother sitting just outside the door, Barbara simply walks out. At least she got to keep the tamales! That's the best part of a relationship with Ricky anyway.

Remember that thing I said earlier about Alysia not snooping enough?

Yeah, I think Alysia's been snooping enough! She knows why she's calling Barbara!

There's a flashback at this point to show that Bleak Michael was the guy that hired Alysia and her friends to stink bomb the Resnick corporation. Bleak Michael really is bleak. He drinks gray martinis!

Stink bombing a corporation is a pretty lousy reason to be killed! If I were assassinated, I'd want it to be for a worthwhile reason. Like stealing somebody's cupcakes. I'd be willing to die for that.

Ragdoll reaches Alysia and her friend Jo before Batgirl arrives to save the day. But since Ragdoll is a total voyeuristic pervdoll, he gives Alysia and Jo a few private moments before he murders them.

That's as far as they go although I'm sure Ragdoll would have allowed them to go all the way. "Going all the way" is a euphemism for "doing it." "Doing it" is a euphemism for "scoring the tying run." "Scoring the tying run" is a euphemism for "pounding the sacred lily." "Pounding the sacred lily" is a euphemism for "picking the locks on your mother's footlocker."

Jo runs off because she wants to live. Also because Alysia's act of bravery wouldn't mean anything if she stayed around and tried to help. But it's okay because Batgirl arrives in the nick of time. And if Alysia didn't know Barbara Barbara Gordon was Batgirl when she made that previous phone call, she'll definitely know now. You know how she'd know? Her smell. Seriously, you don't room with a person and not come to completely recognize their smell, be it the products they use or just the tang of their farts. Also, the hair. The hair is a pretty big giveaway too. I'm sure Alysia has spent time pulling red masses of hair out of the bathtub drain on more than one occasion.

The expected comic book battle scene takes place and Batgirl comes out on top when Ragdoll cries uncle. He explains that he's the good guy in this situation and he hardly murdered Ramon and Terry at all. Ragdoll explains it all himself.

"Happy ending" is a euphemism for "bathing the cheese in cream."

Since Alysia has a concussion, she'll probably forget how she called Barbara and then Batgirl appeared. Also, she's probably smelling all sorts of crazy smells that aren't actually there due to the concussion which means Batgirl can fart around her all she wants and her secret will be safe.

Finally, Nightfell was responsible for trying to kill everyone in the Carter Resnik Foundation building. That's not really much of a surprise because she's a jerk and Bleak Michael works for her. The issue ends with Ragdoll giving a Mr. Travers a happy ending. Let's just say there are fluids, gaping mouths, and plenty of man on man action in the final three panels. Plus a confession about loving monkeys. I'm surprised any of it got past the censors.

Batgirl #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is a good step in the right direction. Fill more and more pages with Alysia and just slowly phase Batgirl right out of her own comic book. She can go sweep floors in The Wounded Duck with Dick.