Red Hood and the Outlaws #38

Yay! We've all been waiting for the return of Crux, xenophobe that turned himself into a xeno!

Maybe I'll like Red Hood and the Outlaws better if I treat it like a sitcom. I'll just pretend that the world resets every month and then when Lobdell changes things from issue to issue to fit his new version of the story, I won't have an aneurysm!

The issue begins with Crux in Arkham Asylum. He's being treated by a man in a wheelchair with his finger glued to his bald head. It looks like he's thinking really hard about how he's going to help his new patient get over his hatred of aliens! He also looks like he might be using his Charles Xavier mental powers that he probably has since Scotty loves repurposing X-men stuff in his DC Comics. The orderlies even call him "Professor!" Like in Professor Charles Xavier! Although this professor has a goatee making him a totally different character. Oh, and he's got brown skin instead of Charles "never been in the sun" hue.

Surprise! The Professor is actually Jason Todd! Crux realized who he was when he smelled Todd's fart.

Crux tells Red Hood that he's going to kill him but Red Hood tells Crux a joke. Then Crux tries to bite Red Hood while Red Hood is holding two guns in his hand. Luckily one of his guns instantly transforms into a knife so he can stab Crux in the tongue! I bet that's one of those new Wayne Enterprises Gun-to-Knife prototypes. Red Hood is almost killed when he nearly lands on a spiked iron fence but Crux saves him because of that thing where the bad guy always wants to torture the good guy for as long as possible before killing him. That always works out well!

Well, I guess that's why he saved him! He loooooooooves him!

Way back in Issue #5 (or something) when the Outlaws defeated Crux, I was sort of worried that he'd join the team because he was an awful character. But now I hope he's going to join the team because he's an awful character and fits right in! It just took me longer to realize that Jason Todd, Roy Harper, and Starfire were all awful characters as well. I was still under the assumption that they were interesting due to their Preboot incarnations. Who knew the New 52 mandate was to make them all so unlikable?!

Crux spent his time in the Asylum changing shape and walking around acting condescending to the other inmates in order to help them get better. Then he'd pretend to be a raving, psychotic dragon during the day so that he could remain in Arkham because he so enjoyed wandering about at night being a condescending, self-righteous asshole to Two-Face and The Mad Hatter and Bane and The Scarecrow. I'm sure he thoroughly helped them all because he was so much smarter than they were. He is, after all, a Scott Lobdell character which means he's the best at whatever he does. I don't know what that is though. Archaeology? Alien physiology? Genetics of some kind?

Crux becomes the new pilot for the Outlaws since they have been using his ship. And then they rush off to rescue Starfire from doing drugs! Too bad they don't find her first!

Now they have to rescue Starfire from her sister! But that's okay since Starfire had already rescued herself from the drugs by placing herself in Chained To A Tree In The Jungle Rehab.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is so much better when I punch myself in the head eighteen times before reading it! I hope Crux stays on the team. I know I flipped out earlier when I thought Crux was going to join the team way back when they first encountered him, but I think the fact that he didn't join was a missed opportunity. This team needs fresh blood in it. And Starfire needs a new person to fuck.

Batwoman #38

Ratwoman! My favorite!

In this issue, we finally discover the secret origin of the dreaded Cloth Golem!

I haven't taken any time to determine what the circles on each cover represent because I'm lazy and apathetic. Etrigan's cover had some kind of AA symbol thing. Clayface's cover had a splotch of blood. And now Ragman's has the Hebrew word for "Truth." I don't actually read Hebrew! I used Lord Google the Translator to help me out! The only other time I've used Lord Google to help with Hebrew was when I needed to come up with this: מערת הזמן!

Last issue ended with Morgaine being birthed from Clayface. She came out in full armor so the reader could recognize her but when the story continues in this issue, she's naked! Like how Donna Troy emerged from her clay too! Man, I got to get me some clay!

She's a golem too! The best and hottest kind of golem!

Actually, Morgaine doesn't have a thigh gap so I'm finding her utterly repulsive. Ugh! Try to eat less clay, fatty! I guess since she's from a long time ago, she doesn't realize that it's not cool to have inner thighs that touch. Hopefully the head priest will be all, "Don't worry, Morgy. You can cover up that lack of thigh gap with a cute skirt and nobody will be the wiser." Then she'll probably strike him down and be all, "You are a pig! This is how women look, you idiot!"

Morgaine puts on her new robe/skirt/cleavage enhancer and then spices it up with some golden armor and huge horns. And then Batwoman and Etrigan crash through the front window while Ragman crashes through the back window. The gang's all here! Except for Beth! Or Alice. Whatever.

I bet he rhymes "desire" with "hellfire!" He's kind of a one trick poetry pony.

Etrigan finishes his poem with "with a blast of demon fire!" Close enough, enh?

I know! I just pointed that out!

Ragman and Batwoman make introductions and the Alcoholics Anonymous Monks snicker about another couple of heroes that proudly proclaim their gender right there in their name. So unimaginative! And according to the Legion of Super-heroes, the trend only gets worse one thousand years in the future! Ragman also mentions he's a Cloth Golem which I thought I was making up. As my friend Soy Rakelson said over and over and over again throughout our formative years, "I want an original thought!"

The battle commences with Morgaine laughing continuously because how are these idiots going to defeat her? She casts spells! And she's sexy! That's an unbeatable combination.

I think she's less concerned about Etrigan causing a gas explosion than she is about him finishing his rhyme with "bitch."

Beth (or Alice. Whatever) hears about the explosion on her police scanner (listening to police scanners is more of an old guy hobby, isn't it?) and figures her sister will probably be at the scene. So she hops on her Alicecycle and vrooms off to let Kate know she's returned from Get To Know Dad Better Island.

Kate proves she doesn't know anything about poetry when she asks Etrigan to stop with the "limericks from Hell". Last issue she thought he was reciting haikus! She's not very educated!

The crew splits up for now so that Kate can do a little more stalking of Maggie Sawyer when she arrives at the scene. Kate is all, "Have you forgotten how I totally fucked up our relationship for no apparent reason yet?" And Maggie is all, "Go fuck Nocturna!" And Kate is all, "You don't even know her!" And Maggie is all, "She marries and murders men!" And Kate is all, "I'm not a man! I'm a vampire!" And Maggie is all, "Ahhhh!" And Kate is all, "Hiss!" And then they part amicably.

Maybe I should look up the definition of amicably! No, I'm sure that's the right word.

Obligatory underwear ruining panel for the heterosexual men and the homosexual women.

Obligatory underwear ruining panel for the heterosexual women and the homosexual men.

I'm old so I'm not purposefully erasing anybody with different sexual desires than the fairly straightforward ones I mentioned in the captions. I'm just ignorant of all you other deviants! Go ahead and just look at the picture that turns you on best. Or both of them. Sorry that the Ragman/Clayface one doesn't involve tongue or penis or a clay butthole. You'll just have to use your imagination for that one.

Maybe I should look up the definition of deviants! No, I'm sure that's the right word.

Morgaine finds her new Clayface body less useful than it initially seemed so she hunts down a babysitter that shares her bloodline and takes her body for her own. And Beth (Or Alice. Whatever) drops by to catch up with her sister.

Whew! That's finally settled! Red Alice it is!

Batwoman #38 Rating: No change. At 43, can I get away with using the "I'm old! I don't know any better and I'm too old to learn!" excuse for being an asshole? It's charming, right? Like when good old Grandpa goes off on the minorities and how they're ruining the country. He's just a harmless old dinosaur trapped in his comfy chair with no influence over anybody. So when he spouts his racism, everybody just chuckles and shoves another Hamms beer can into his hand. Hmm, that actually doesn't sound very charming at all! I'd better buy myself a dictionary so I don't accidentally use offensive terms. Do dictionaries tell people which terms are offensive? Or do they just not include them because they're too offensive?

Supergirl #38

Lesson Two: Women's inner thighs cannot touch.

Yesterday on Jeopardy, they had one of my dream categories with Through the Looking Glass. And the daily double was in the category! The jerk that hit the daily double had eleven thousand dollars and he barely wagered anything. I would have made it a true daily double because that's what you have to do when it's in one of your dream categories. The questions weren't even very obscure and really could have been figured out by just the clues in the question and most people's general knowledge of the story. I could have answered them in my sleep which is very nearly what I did. I had been napping on the couch when I woke up because I kept hearing the contestants choose from the Alice in Wonderland category. But then Alex would read the answers and they had nothing to do with the book. I woke up enough to realize the category was "Allison Wonderland" and the answers were about people named Allison. But then they went on to the Through the Looking Glass category and proceeded to fuck up all the answers. One guy asked "Who is The Mad Hatter?" when the question was "Who is Humpty Dumpty?" And one woman asked "Who is Tweedledee and Tweedledum?" when the question was "Who is the Mad Hatter and the March Hare?" And none of them even buzzed in on the one about Alice's cat Dinah! The question to the Daily Double was "What is Jabberwocky?" which is what I would have guessed even before hearing the answer given by Alex because duh!

This issue begins with Superboy reminding us who he is because it's been a long time since a comic book began with his introduction. He's busy visiting a comic book convention in Rome where some sicko is cosplaying the insane murderer Harley Quinn. I get cosplaying the fictional insane murderer Harley Quinn. But cosplaying her when she's a real killer in your universe? Seems a bit icky.

But forget about Superboy! He's only interesting when he's being a living weapon! And currently, that's Supergirl's job! Or maybe it's just one of her classes. She and her study group were sent off to Tsavo's world to quell an insurrection. That means she and her friends are fighting for the man! I bet that's the wrong side to be on! Isn't it always?

Uh oh, Tsavo! You'd better stop and listen to your brother!

So the ex-Crucible students were kicked out for not following orders. I bet those orders were about murdering babies! So they were all, "No way! We won't murder babies!" And The Crucible was all, "But they're babies that will grow up to be evil men and women! We got this note from a Future Dean that totally proves those babies are scumbags!" And the smart-ass, soon-to-be-expelled students were all, "Well if you saw they were scumbags in the future then you know we aren't going to murder them for you!" And The Crucible was all, "Oh, you know, that really makes sense. No wonder Future Dean said there was no record of you guys graduating! Um, you're expelled for not following orders!" And the Crucible students were all, "Oh man! My parents are going to be so pissed!"

Tsavo's brother and his rebellious friends flee from Supergirl and her friends even though they had the upper hand. I don't think they actually care about fomenting rebellion on Tsavo's homeworld. I think their primary concern is destroying The Crucible. Probably because it's evil and they're the only ones that know it's evil and nobody will believe them and they're all like, "ARGH! Why won't anybody believe us?! It's so unfair that people are always asking for proof!"

Anyway, Supergirl and her friends (the good guys that are kind of the bad guys because they're tying to stop the good guys (maybe!)) follow Roho (Tsavo's brother, remember?) and his friends to Earth.

Supergirl is lucky Supergirl didn't punch herself in the face.

Supergirl soon discovers that Roho is after Superboy. Supergirl is all, "Superboy?!" And Superboy is all, "Supergirl?!" And everybody else is all, "What fucking unimaginative names!"

Hopefully Roho and his friends are the bad guys because the first thing Comet does when the battle begins is to explode Rock Lobster's head. It's pretty disgusting. And possibly delicious.

Then Maxima puts a mental dagger in Rendll's throat. Then Superboy is all, "I don't need your help!" And Supergirl is all, "Boys!" And then Supergirl bends over.

Hey! No pictures of my sweet girl's bum!

Once again, Roho and his friends flee. Supergirl has begun to doubt Crucible's motives so it's just a matter of time before Comet realizes he killed an innocent Lobster Person. I guess he's going to have to die before this story arc is over. Can't let heroes with blood on their hands live. Unless her name is Lois Lane and she was possessed by Brainiac, that is.

Comet might die sooner than I thought! He's dying right now and Maxima will only transport everybody back to the Crucible if they bring Superboy along. She had a secret mission to get the clone before Roho got the clone. But Supergirl needs more answers before she jumps back onto the wrong side of this conflict, so she'd rather punch Maxima in the tits than give up Superboy and save Comet. I guess Comet should have been cuter.

Oh boy! My penis can't wait for this fight! I mean, I can't wait to see who is the better, um, combatant! P.S. I think Superboy and Comet are going to touch penises. A lot.

Supergirl #38 Rating: No change. I love looking at Emanuela Lupacchino's Supergirl. I think I swooned like eighteen times while reading this. And swooned means exactly what you think it means. My office is a mess!

Wonder Woman #38

Wonder Woman shows off her fancy new penis.

Last issue, Wonder Woman fans everywhere applauded the thoughtful and well-constructed return of Donna Troy! Kudos to the new creative team, the Finches! It's nice to see a Wonder Woman being handled by a writer and artist that know exactly which of her qualities they want to highlight best: her beauty! It's about Goddamned time, I (and all the Wonder Woman fans everywhere, I'm sure!) say! I'm so sick of super hero comics with unattractive female leads who don't even bother to show any skin. It's about time a creative team returned Wonder Woman to William Moulton Marston's initial character concept! Here's a quote from William that I totally didn't make up from an interview a year or so after Wonder Woman first appeared and was growing in popularity as a feminist icon:

William Moulton Marston: "I was just sitting in my office one day reading a Batman comic book and thinking, 'I'm having a really hard time masturbating to this. I sure wish somebody would create a cheesecake female character whose life was more stressful than an attractive female's life should be. Also, she'd have a wry, winking sort of sensibility to feminism.' And that's why I created Wonder Woman! Some people seem to have missed that she was satire and, well, I decided to go with the perceived version of her. Seemed to be popular amongst the girls. But still, I hope that someday a creative team will return Wonder Woman to the original concept which I first imagined sitting in my dark office with my dick in my hands and squinting in just the right way so that Robin looked like a peppy young woman."

The Finches should be celebrated and commended on finally fulfilling William Moulton Marston's dream of Diana!

Why aren't the Amazons' brothers helping battle the gigantic, veiny, biting penises?

I wonder why Meredith Finch doesn't just write a script with all double splash pages for her husband. She must realize how much he loves drawing those! They could be full of women in their twenties or thirties stepping sexily out of showers although they'd all look about fourteen so it would be kind of disturbing when it would give me an erection. I mean disturbing for the other people on the bus with me!

I've occasionally put together completely rational arguments against comic books that I found were written somewhat poorly, and one of those arguments tends to get levied at David Finch and Tony S. Daniel over and over again. They have a problem with pacing comic books that they are both writing and drawing. Since they seem to already know in their head what's happening, they don't quite tell the story coherently from panel to panel. The action skips around strangely, fight scenes make no sense, and older women look thirteen years old. It seems that when your wife is scripting the comic book and you're probably standing over her shoulder constantly asking her if she's written a scene with Diana in the shower yet, it tends to fuck up her pacing as well. Immediately after that double splash page I just scanned where Dessa is asking, "Diana, where are you?" as she battles the penises, we get these three panels:

Well, yes, actually, you fucking asshole. Telling Diana where Dessa was would have taken less words than you used to be a dick!

So Dessa is battling cock and wondering where Diana is, then you turn the page and see Diana standing in the middle of a battlefield saying, "WHA...?" Now, I've got an IQ of 28, so I understand that the battle is over and Wonder Woman arrived late and now everybody is pissed off at her and Wonder Woman was about to tell everybody about "whales" when she noticed the massacre and ended "whales" with an ellipsis and a question mark instead of an "-les." But what about readers with a lesser IQ?! I worry that they won't understand what just happened! It's so confusing! And Wonder Woman isn't even drawn big enough to truly highlight her beauty.

What?! Who the fuck are you?! She said, "Dessa!" You know, the most important Amazon after Diana and Hippolyta and Fox News Lady! Too numerous to remember names?! Everybody knows everybody on Paradise Island! How else can you keep up with all the gossip?!

Anyway, Dessa is dead and it isn't the fault of the Double Dong Dragon at all. It was Wonder Woman's fault for not being there to kill it. Fucking jerk. I'm so sick of Wonder Woman not spending every minute on Paradise Island and protecting all of the other women that need protection! So Wonder Woman decides to fill up a page in David Finch Cheesecake Style and say, "But I promise you, my friend...your sacrifice will not be in vain." Oh, so you're going to give meaning to her sacrifice? Her sacrifice doesn't count even though she helped save all of the injured while she battled the Double Dong Dragon? Only now that Might Diana is here to slay the dragon after Dessa did all of the hard work will Dessa's sacrifice count! Fuck, Diana. You're a cold hearted bitch.

I hope Donna Troy swoops down and kills the dragon and becomes Queen of Everything!

Instead Ares steps out from behind the Shaft #1 and says, "You have no control of your life!" And Diana goes, "What?! NO!" And then she wakes up in a pool of blood in her bed in London.

Well, at least she's not pregnant, I guess.

I guess the theme of this new Wonder Woman run is that it's tough being a career-oriented woman?

Meanwhile on Paradise Island (which may or may not have actually been attacked by a double dicked dragon), Donna Troy gets some clothes.

The next day, Diana has coffee with her other ex-Amazon friend, the one whose name I don't remember. She's a healer? She's, um, got short hair? And she's, you know...um, a...you know...a scarf wearer? She tells Diana that the Amazons are idiots that can't handle change and need somebody to tell them what to do. Diana says, "Well they shouldn't be!" And Hessia says, "I know, right?!" And nobody mentions the males living on Paradise Island because fuck them. It's best if we all just forget they even existed and slowly just write them out of the entire story. Also, maybe Hephaestus should show up and say, "Oh, Diana! Silly girl! You actually bought that lie I told you about the Amazons fucking sailors and then killing them and then throwing them into the ocean where the Atlanteans then fucked them and then killed them again? Ho ho! Silly woman!"

Then Hessia tries to tell Wonder Woman how to be a proper God of War so Diana storms out and stiffs Hessia with the bill.

Please! You didn't choose to become the God of War! You were as surprised as everybody else.

As Wonder Woman steps into yet a third role in her whirlwind career life, Batman begins grilling her on her other job titles. Is she really committed to the Justice League as the God of War? Can she really rule an island paradise while constantly having to answer Cyborg's summons? When is she going to have time to satisfy Clark's needs? What about her relationship with Zeke? That's certainly going to suffer! Batman doesn't think she has the chops to do it all and she's going to overload from stress, especially since she left her teddy bear in Aquaman's jet plane.

I guess when Dave tries to draw a man without lines all over his face or fish lips, he just comes out looking androgynous.

Deep within a volcano, Clark is attacked by a swarm of insects. I guess they're responsible for making villages disappear? It wasn't because of broken dams or active volcanoes? I bet it has something to do with Diana being the God of War!

And finally, back on Amazon where it looks like Dessa is fine and the Double Dildo Dragon was just an awful, bloody dream, the council comes to a decision regarding their Queen.

"She's a working woman, dammit! Cut her some slack!"

Everybody but Dessa has gotten tired of Diana not having constant press conferences and photo shoots. Half of them can't believe she didn't come out and publicly voice her condemnation for the Stymphalian Birds. And she hasn't really considered the problem of all those stinky males on the other side of the island. So they decide she's out and the woman who has yet to say anything but looks fucking hot in her armored skirt is in! All hail Donna Troy! Unless she's just like a clay puppet that has no personality to speak of. Although, really, if she's at least around for photo shoots, she's already doing a better job then Diana.

Wonder Woman #38 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm so happy that Wonder Woman is being turned into a frazzled house wife trying to have a career and a marriage and raise a child because it allows me to be as sexist as I want to be in my commentary and then blame it all on David and Meredith Finch! I wouldn't normally say mean things about Diana and the Amazons! I'm the biggest feminist on the planet! Women should totally not be shamed for wanting lots and lots of sex with guys! What guys thought that was a good idea?! Gay guys, I bet! Goddamn gay guys, always trying to keep women from putting out! Jerks! Probably so they can sidle up to us heterosexuals and say, "Oh, man. That sucks! She doesn't want everybody calling her a slut! Oh, hey! Why is my hand in your pants? You probably want that stiff, succulent mancicle taken care of, right? And since no women will do it for you, how about me, buddy? Yeah? Oh yeah!" Um, if any of that was offensive...David Finch!

Batman and Robin #38

This is Preboot Wally West, right?

This morning while lying in bed, I was busy thinking profound thoughts about comic books and breakfast and I wondered, "Why aren't there more powerful red-headed women in Gotham City?" Shouldn't every female red-head be leveraging the fear and suspicion, engendered by her red hair, that she might be Batgirl or Batwoman? I'd constantly drop hints about needing a "bat-promotion" or maybe getting a "bat-deal" on my "bat-mortgage." Every time the Bat-signal would light up the sky and I was out with a group of people, or at a work function, I'd make a lame excuse to leave. "Oh, um, yeah, I got to go. I forgot my cat puked this morning and I need to go clean it up! Be back in a Bat-jiffy, guys!" Then I'd return with a bunch of bat shaped frosted sugar cookies and be all, "Oh, hey, anybody want to help me finish these off? A, um, friend left them for me at my place!"

I'd probably also use the possibility that I'm Batgirl or Batwoman to fuck as many hot men and/or women as possible!

Okay! Damian is back! And he doesn't have to worry about dying because that jerko Grant Morrison got it out of his system and DC probably won't let him pull that shit again. Unless Grant Morrison makes one of The New 52 Earths full of Robins just so he can kill one every single day. And how would Grant Morrison kill Damian now anyway? Damian has super powers! Which probably means he has a super weakness too! I bet we find out what that is by the end of this issue!

More like the Dynamic Duodenum, amirite?! Has The Joker ever used that one?

Robin seems to forget that he's just ten years old and he doesn't know as much as he thinks he knows, no matter how much time he spends on Tumblr. Tumblr should be renamed "Confirmation Biasblr!"

I just turned to the Title Page where Robin jumps in front of all of the bullets which bounce off of him but destroy his uniform which is probably going to really piss off Alfred and I realized something I'd known but haven't really acknowledged: this comic book has kept the same writer, penciller, and inker on it for nearly three and a half years now. It's so refreshing to have that kind of consistency on a title these days. Sure, Batman has been a Snyder/Capullo jelly for the same period but that's kind of expected from DC's flagship title. Does Batman and Robin get the same kind of love? Because it's been a terrifically consistent book of superb quality since The New 52 launch. I just love it and I'm excited to see how Bruce and Damian's relationship evolves now that all the Talia and Nobody stuff is long in the past. Now it's time for Damian to just have fun while Bruce eats himself up with worry over his newly super powered boy!

Maybe it's time to reconsider taking Venom, Bats. You know, just to keep up!

Should Damian be offended that the guns keep calling him a brat?

Seriously though. Why is this advert still in every fucking issue of The New 52?

Batman really begins to shit himself as Robin starts acting rebellious and petulant. After forgetting all of his training and deciding it's a smart idea to let the bullets hit him, he nearly kills the thug by bashing him into fifteen different cars (not that Batman's never done that!). Then he decides to fly home rather than driving home with his uncool dad. But Batman grabs him by the shoelaces to keep him from flying off. I knew when I looked at the first page that Damian's super loose shoelaces were going to get him into trouble!

Later that night, Damian is haunted by nightmares of his mother and grandfather and baby brothers. It causes him to sleep walk which is trouble when you can fly and have super strength.

Is Alfred reading Bruce's Bat-Diary?

Robin flies off and while Batman's first reaction is to chase him down and rein him in, Alfred continues to play the compassionate father full of sagely advice. I suppose after raising The Batman, he knows a thing or two about what a difficult child needs.

I can't wait until Helena Wayne can extricate herself out of all that Earth-2 crap going on and returns to Earth-Main-Earth to hang out with her Not-Brother some more.

Damian flies back to the lab where he was born and trashes it. Then he decides to pay Aquaman a visit because I guess he was having too much excitement?

Oh shit. And by "my custody," what he really means is "Alfred's custody." Poor Pennyworth!

The Batcave is going to get awfully crowded! I suppose this story is taking place after the events of Batman Eternal whenever Arkham Asylum gets rebuilt. Is Batman going to have to build a dormitory down in the caves?

Damian leaves his brothers on an island and then flies home. I hope he just gave them The Outlaws' island home! Fuck that Jason Todd!

Batman and Robin #38 Rating: No change. It still surprises me every month that a comic book called "Batman and Robin" is one of my favorites. Teenage me would have scoffed and said, "Seriously, dude?" And then he would have put his headphones back on and hit play on the Walkman strapped to his hip and disappear back into the sweet, melodic sounds of Slayer's "Angel of Death."

Batman Loves Superman #18

So romantic!

My second lesson for becoming the World's Greatest Detective is titled "Mystery at Wimpy's." I will present it here so you can try to solve it as well even though there's no way you're going to be the World's Greatest Detective since that's my destiny. You might be the World's Greatest Detective's Secret Lover if you're lucky though! Here is the mystery, copyright Trixie Belden!

Trixie and her brothers Mart and Brian go to Wimpy's with Honey Wheeler and Jim Frayne. What kind of a name is "Mart"? How about solving that mystery first? Did people in the Fifties not know that "Mart" rhymes with "fart" and would be a horrible name with which to saddle your child? Anyway, both of the girls and one of the boys, after kissing in the booth for half an hour and having the waitress threaten to kick them out several times if they didn't order, have hamburgers and the other two boys have cheeseburgers. Two of the three who have hamburgers have chocolate shakes, and the other three have vanilla shakes. Jim has the same kind of burger that Trixie has because after watching Honey bring her to orgasm, he said, "I'll have what she's having!" but he also wanted some of what Honey was giving so he had the same flavor shake as Honey. What does each of the five have to eat and drink?

Hmm. Where is the rest of the mystery? How can you solve a mystery when there isn't a dead body?! Did I miss one of the kids getting killed? If you want to know what everybody ate, just ask them because they are not dead and there is no mystery to be solved at all! And if you don't want the kids to know you're snooping about spying on their caloric intakes, you can just ask the waitress who ate what! Maybe by figuring out that Jim and Honey had hamburgers and chocolate shakes while Trixie had a hamburger and a vanilla shake and Fart and Brian had cheeseburgers and vanilla shakes, you'll have the proper evidence later when the dead body is discovered covered in cheese and vanilla shake! Then you can say, "Aha! This person was murdered by Mart because he called him Mart the Fart one too many times!" And then you will get a medal and a reward!

Now that I solved that case without even finding a body, let's see if Superman and Batman can solve the Mystery of Superman's Joker That Is Probably Shooting Ice Bullets Out of an Ice Gun So As Not To Leave Any Evidence Behind!

Maybe if you knew what he had for lunch!

Superman is consulting the Super-Computer in the Fortress of Solitude because everybody else he has asked has given him biased and bogus answers. Batman thinks Superman has a Joker. Lex thinks Superman has a Superman. Who is the Super-Computer's greatest enemy because that's obviously who it will suggest as the killer! I bet it's greatest enemy is the Bat-Computer.

But the Fortress of Solitude is still rebuilding itself so Supergirl has to sucker punch Superman in the kidneys to make him stop using it. She knows more about Kryptonian technology than Superman because she spent her teen years on Krypton playing Krepyx's Summer Games and Krinfocom's Zork on her Krapp-el IIe Crystal Computer. She's all, "You're going to overload it and destroy everything and then we'll never find the Lost Bottled City of Kandor!" Hey! They're one of my suspects because Superman's enemy knows all about him and the Bottled People of Kandor have heard all Superman's secrets because he probably talks in his sleep.

Supergirl is putting the clues together just like Trixie Belden! I guess knowing what people eat is important.

Batman calls up to let Superman know that he hired Zatanna to cast a spell of silence over their current conversation so Superman's Joker wouldn't be able to hear them speak. He should have had her cast the spell, "Ohw si s'namrepuS rekoJ?" Even though Batman doesn't know who Superman's Joker is or what Superman's Joker likes to eat, he still believes he knows exactly how Superman's Joker is going to act. He figures, "Hey! My Joker would hurt the people closest to me! So that's what Superman's Joker is going to do!" I guess that's logical if you start with like eight thousand assumptions and just assume the assumptions aren't assumptions at all but hard and fast truths!

Batman tells Superman he's figured out who Superman's Joker will go after next: the person Superman most confides in, who understands him best, who he'd miss most if she were gone: Lois Lane!

Oh, I get it! Batman didn't pay Zatanna anything at all! He's just a big fibber!

Hopefully Superman's Joker didn't see the season finale of the second season of Arrow or else he already sees through Batman's plan. Make sure Superman's Joker thinks they can't be heard and then spout a bunch of nonsense that Superman's Joker will act on. Superman almost blows the plan by saying, "This is crazy. I don't get it! I don't..OH! RIGHT! Yes, The Batman, you are correct! I very much love Lois Lane the reporter with all of my heart! Oh I sure do hope that my Joker does not hurt her! Wink, wink."

Superman's Joker fires off a magic bullet headed toward Lois Lane. But when Superman tries to catch it, it ducks and weaves and changes direction, finally hitting the person who truly has Superman's heart and soul: The Batman!

This makes no sense. Does this make any sense at all? I mean, unless you just got done watching the worst move ever made, Passenger 57. Shit, I should really do a critical essay on that movie sometime. It's so bad.

Actually, I made a mistake in that last caption. The worst movie ever made (that I've actually seen. There could be some worse ones out there!) is Boondock Saints. Even The Room and Trolls 2 are better than it!

Before Batman can die, Superman digs the bullet out of his chest.

Okay, that's pretty awesome.

I knew those Kandorians were sick to death of seeing Superman scratch his balls and pick dingleberries out of his ass and sniff them right in front of the Bottled City every night. That must be their motivation, right? It can't have anything to do with feeling betrayed by him or being mind controlled by Non or some other Phantom Zoner, right? I do like how the magic bullet was just a microscopic Kryptonian flying around blasting through crap. Good thing Batman is paranoid and fills his armor with Kryptonite dust! Good job, Bruce!

Using the clues Batman found by using Lois as bait, Doctor Ray Palmer is able to trace the Kandorian's flight path back to a hole in Iceland in which rests the Bottled City of Kandor full of angry little Kandorians sick to death of smelling Superman's morning farts. I guess Superman and Batman are going to have to use The Atom's Shrink R.A.Y. so they can infiltrate Kandor and stop them from telling all the great jokes they've been telling lately.

Batman Loves Superman #18 Rating: +2 Ranking. I said I wanted the reveal of Superman's Joker to be spectacular and I wasn't disappointed (for once!). Sure, I guessed the Kandorians were behind it last issue (which makes me a pretty amazing comic book reader if you ignore the fact that I also guessed Krypto) but the fact that Kandorians were using themselves as the bullets? That was pretty fucking awesome. Kudos on that one, Greg Pak. Unless it's been done before and then shame on you!

Justice League #38

The ability to turn his clothing into peanut brittle?

I'm going to become as great a detective as Batman! It shouldn't take too long because I don't mean to become the greatest martial artist or the greatest thrower of boomerangs or the greatest gravelly voiced, self-righteous asshole. I'm just going to be learn how to detectivate! And to get started, I'm going to read this:

It looks like Trixie Belden's first step in solving any mystery is to drop acid.

I don't currently have any acid so I'll have to learn to solve mysteries straight-edge style! Anyway, if I did drop some acid, the recursion on this cover would fuck me up. "But the girl on the book is reading this book! And it has a picture of herself reading the book that she's on the cover on! How have I not needed to pee for the thirteen straight weeks I've been looking at this cover?"

The inside cover blurb says, "So sharpen your pencils and your wits and join America's favorite girl detective for mystery, adventure—and fun!" Is Trixie Belden really America's favorite girl detective? What about Nancy Drew? Or Velma? Or the gayer Hardy Boy?

Lesson One is about Fingerprints! It's introduced with a cute little scene:

Trixie's "friend" Honey slips comfortably into the chair beside Trixie and hands her a book on fingerprints as she casually strokes Trixie's inner thigh. "Chick this shit out, bitch." Trixie picked up the book and casually, so as not to offend her friend, moved Honey's hand away from her sweetest of spots. "Hey, Honey! Did you know this fact I just learned about identical twins?!" Honey grinned mischievously and said, "You know it, Darling."

Then there's a ten question quiz to see how much you know about fingerprints! I'm no Batman but I want to learn to be like him, and if you do as well, take the test with me!

Answer True or False.
1. Fingerprint patterns are formed before birth. I say that's true! God thinks them up and then stamps them on the baby before he shoves it up the mother's vagina while she's sleeping.
2. Only on the fingertips can we find the ridge designs that make prints. False! Notice the quiz didn't end that sentence with "fingerprints"! It's kind of a trick question! Because my toes make prints too! I'm looking at them right now as I chew off this huge, yellow toenail!
3. Although no two fingerprints are alike, they all follow a few basic patterns of whorls, loops, and arches. False! Are those the technical terms used by detectives? What about rings and spirals, fairy bladders and duck spunk?
4. Identical twins have identical fingerprints. False! Their fingerprints are mirror images of each other! And the one whose fingerprint whorls go counter-clockwise is the evil twin!
5. A print on the left forefinger is the same as the print on the right forefinger of an individual. False! I'm looking at my own fingerprints and they're mirror images of each other! Like with twins! My left hand is evil! I hope it's not cheating looking at your fingerprints during the quiz.
6. If an injury to a fingertip causes a scab to form and fall off, the print always grows back in the same pattern. True! Law enforcement wouldn't even bother taking fingerprints if this were false! And criminals would constantly have bleeding fingertips. If it were true, you could just catalog all of the people that purchased belt sanders!
7. If one finger on a hand has a loop pattern, the other fingers all have loop patterns. False! My index has loops but my middle finger has arches and my third finger has whorls! I guess my pinky has duck spunk.
8. Some persons, unable to write, have "signed" wills and contracts with their fingerprints. Who cares? Why is this question in the quiz? It doesn't help me become a better detective! Unless, I guess, it shows that fingerprints are unique and can easily identify individuals. So, um, true! Don't be mad at me, Trixie Belden!
9. Ridge designs that make the prints have remained on fingers months after the person has died—and they have been used as clues. True! So don't try robbing my house, you dumb zombies.
10. A criminal who has had skin grafted to his fingertips to make them absolutely smooth need never worry again about being arrested on the basis of fingerprint evidence. True! As long as they don't spend hours in the bathtub where they'll get their fingerprints back.

The answers are:

1. True. I knew it!
2. False. Ha ha! Easy peasy!
3. True. I guess I was wrong about the fairy bladders and the duck spunk designs.
4. False. Bingo!
5. False. I got it right by detective work and not cheating!
6. True. Move over Robin!
7. False. Once again, correct by using deduction! Or seduction, maybe?
8. True. Winner, winner, vegan dinner!
9. True. I knew zombies were real!
10. False. What?! No way! The answers have a bogus story about a cop noticing a guy with no fingerprints and investigating him due to his suspicions which uncovered the man's criminal history. Bah! That's not being arrested due to fingerprint evidence! That's due to being arrested because of a cop that is breaking the fucking law and harassing somebody just because he didn't like the cut of his jib!

I'll take another lesson the next time I'm reminded that I want to be like Batman. I got 8 out of 10 right which is like 90%! With that score and an IQ of 28, I'm practically Sherlock Holmes already.

Now that I'm a Detective in Training, I have found a clue that tells me Geoff Johns doesn't know the definition of the word "conversely."

Batman has become infected with the Amazo Virus and can now unleash a Sonic Bat Scream. He uses it to defeat Patient Zero and humiliate Superman and Wonder Woman who were getting nowhere trying to subdue the monster.

Batman now has all the powers that a person would expect from somebody named "Batman" like echo-location. Batman decides that the Amazo Virus must base the super powers on the psychology of the person infected which is why Batman can now echo-locate like a bat. But Batman also says he's now blind so either Batman is dumb or Geoff Johns is because bats aren't blind at all! This is the kind of hooey I'd expect from an Ann Nocenti book! Batman does know bats fly, right? So he should be able to fly! Unless he only gets the one power which we'll call "Bat-Sense" since it seems to include blindness and echo-location which seem like two things to me but what do I know? Also, how did Batman not go deaf when he knocked out Patient Zero with his echo-location blast? Shouldn't it have come back at him?

Oh, maybe that's what's going on in this panel! He's being hit by his bounced back sound waves. Or he drank too much Bat-gin.

On the opposite page is the advertisement for Constantine's season premiere. You know what would have been better than constantly running ads for a show from October 24th, DC? How about running ads of when Constantine was going to return from its mid-season break the way you ran ads for The Flash and Arrow? I just happened to catch Constantine last Friday already on at 8:10 PM because I was getting ready to set up the Channelmaster to record it at 10:00 PM. And it wasn't the second half of the story that ended the season finale, so I guess I missed an episode the week before! You know what that tells me? No advertising for its return and changing the time when it did return? The show isn't getting another season. Fuckers. Just as it seems to be finding its groove! Felix Faust as villain with the Chaz back-story stuff was a good episode!

Batman collapses so Superman and Wonder Woman fly him and Patient Zero back to Luthor so he can save everybody. But speaking of Luthor, he was shot in the head at the end of last issue. But off-panel, of course, which means he wasn't actually dead. My guess was that Captain Cold protected him with an ice shield.

Yawn. Of course.

Just because I guessed that and every other major plot point in The New 52 since it began (probably! I wouldn't bother fact checking that statement because you'd just waste your time realizing it's true. Plus, just because it hasn't yet been revealed that Harvest is actually Vampire Tim Drake from the future, it doesn't mean he isn't), that doesn't mean I still guess everything that will happen in a comic book. Especially silly bullshit like this:

One winter it was so cold in Nebraska, I ran outside my front door and broke my nose on the air. True story!

Luthor needs to find out why people are trying to assassinate him, once over in Batman Loves Superman and twice in Justice League. So he wakes Neutron, the assassin that knocked over the vial containing the Amazo Virus and started this whole mess, from his coma to ask him some questions like, "Why did you try to kill me?" and "Why doesn't anybody love me?"

Before he can get any answers, Superman and Wonder Woman arrive with Patient Zero and Infected Batman. Luthor quickly wipes away his tears and begins working on the cure.

It takes Lex about thirty seconds to admit he can't cure anybody with this guy's blood and that he needs Superman's blood because Superman has already developed antibodies to the virus. He developed them four years ago when Luthor used it against him like a big jerk. Superman wastes more time being upset that Luthor wasted so much time before admitting to his subterfuge.

Who cares if Lex is lying, Superman? He has a completely valid excuse to try to protect the world against Phantom Zone escapees. Why should anybody trust you to take care of it? Especially when we've already seen how well that works out. It's like other countries having to rely on America to defend them as America gives them a big old shit-eating grin and says, "Trust us."

And then everybody comes out of their comas and begins talking like they are Legion because they're all now controlled by the Virus which is apparently some kind of hive mind single entity thing.

Justice League #38 Rating: No change. Oh! I've seen this kind of thing before in Detective Comics where Batman had the antibodies inside him that could save everybody in Gotham so he had to fly above them and pee all over everybody. So that's how Superman can save the world! He can drink a whole bunch of lemonade and then fly super fast all around the world with his cock hanging out and spraying his super urine into everybody's mouths! You probably don't even need to read Issue #39 since my track record of guessing plots is 100%.