Action Comics #51

In this issue, Superman borrows The Atom's technology to learn what it's like to be a spermatozoa.

The Review!
This month's issue is a bit light on story but it gets across everything it needs to before bringing Wonder Woman into the story since the next installment takes place in Superman Loves Wonder Woman. Since Tomasi is handling every aspect of this story, it's been consistent and well-paced which is something the Superman titles have sorely lacked. Although some might argue the "well-paced" part since there wasn't any punches thrown this issue. Which is weird because Supergirl hasn't seen her cousin in some time. You'd think she would have greeted him like she used to with a nice right cross to the jaw.

The Commentary!
Last issue ended with Superman planning a trip to famed National City in search of his cousin, Supergirl. This issue begins with him immediately finding her shoved into an overly complicated La-Z-Boy recliner inside a secret lab of the DEO (Department of Extra-Normal Operations (which is a pretty stupid name, really. And for what? An acronym that doesn't have any kind of wink-wink meaning like ARGUS?)). I know the Supergirl television show decided to go the Martian Manhunter as director route but this being a comic book, can we please get Mister Bones back? He was still running the thing in Batwoman but Batwoman was one of those weird New 52 titles that clung heavily to Preboot history and material. Plus a lot of it seemed to have been scrapped when Blackman and Williams had their falling out with DC.

Superman doesn't ask anybody why Supergirl is in the chair. He doesn't think, "Maybe she's hurt or sick and the DEO are helping?" He just kicks in the door, says, "Fuck you, assholes!", destroys their equipment, and flies off with Supergirl. I suppose I don't blame him since Supergirl has been missing for so long and the DEO doesn't have the best reputation. But he is Superman which means he actually can take a moment to consider that his actions might hurt Supergirl more than help her. Although the DEO is so shitty that that moment could turn into Superman being enveloped in a cloud of Kryptonite dust. Double although, maybe that would cure him? Oh! Or maybe the DEO is curing Supergirl of her Kryptonite poisoning that perhaps was worse than she thought! Maybe she's in some kind of Kryptonite Dialysis machine! I'm not exactly clear on what Dialysis does but I think it takes the pee out of people and puts in not pee. Or something. So it might be analogous to a Kryptonite Removing Machine.

Oh Supergirl's bum, how I've missed you!

Supergirl explains where she's been and how she was losing her powers too and how that led her to team up with Cameron Chase (no relation to Danny Chase. I think? But also played by Charisma Carpenter in the Supergirl television show! I think) and the DEO.

Meanwhile, the Wanna-be Superman decides to also pose as Clark Kent. Well, it's less of a decision and more of a can't help himself from doing it. So he invades the Daily Planet and winds up killing a few security guards before Lois Lane takes him down with a Taser. Perry decides to send the guy to ARGUS to figure out what the hell's going on.

Superman wills the Fortress of Solitude over to Supergirl just before Wonder Woman shows up armed for a fight. She's a bit miffed that Superman found out he was dying and decided to tell Batman first. As if Batman doesn't get to find out everything first!

Batman Loves Superman #18

So romantic!

My second lesson for becoming the World's Greatest Detective is titled "Mystery at Wimpy's." I will present it here so you can try to solve it as well even though there's no way you're going to be the World's Greatest Detective since that's my destiny. You might be the World's Greatest Detective's Secret Lover if you're lucky though! Here is the mystery, copyright Trixie Belden!

Trixie and her brothers Mart and Brian go to Wimpy's with Honey Wheeler and Jim Frayne. What kind of a name is "Mart"? How about solving that mystery first? Did people in the Fifties not know that "Mart" rhymes with "fart" and would be a horrible name with which to saddle your child? Anyway, both of the girls and one of the boys, after kissing in the booth for half an hour and having the waitress threaten to kick them out several times if they didn't order, have hamburgers and the other two boys have cheeseburgers. Two of the three who have hamburgers have chocolate shakes, and the other three have vanilla shakes. Jim has the same kind of burger that Trixie has because after watching Honey bring her to orgasm, he said, "I'll have what she's having!" but he also wanted some of what Honey was giving so he had the same flavor shake as Honey. What does each of the five have to eat and drink?

Hmm. Where is the rest of the mystery? How can you solve a mystery when there isn't a dead body?! Did I miss one of the kids getting killed? If you want to know what everybody ate, just ask them because they are not dead and there is no mystery to be solved at all! And if you don't want the kids to know you're snooping about spying on their caloric intakes, you can just ask the waitress who ate what! Maybe by figuring out that Jim and Honey had hamburgers and chocolate shakes while Trixie had a hamburger and a vanilla shake and Fart and Brian had cheeseburgers and vanilla shakes, you'll have the proper evidence later when the dead body is discovered covered in cheese and vanilla shake! Then you can say, "Aha! This person was murdered by Mart because he called him Mart the Fart one too many times!" And then you will get a medal and a reward!

Now that I solved that case without even finding a body, let's see if Superman and Batman can solve the Mystery of Superman's Joker That Is Probably Shooting Ice Bullets Out of an Ice Gun So As Not To Leave Any Evidence Behind!

Maybe if you knew what he had for lunch!

Superman is consulting the Super-Computer in the Fortress of Solitude because everybody else he has asked has given him biased and bogus answers. Batman thinks Superman has a Joker. Lex thinks Superman has a Superman. Who is the Super-Computer's greatest enemy because that's obviously who it will suggest as the killer! I bet it's greatest enemy is the Bat-Computer.

But the Fortress of Solitude is still rebuilding itself so Supergirl has to sucker punch Superman in the kidneys to make him stop using it. She knows more about Kryptonian technology than Superman because she spent her teen years on Krypton playing Krepyx's Summer Games and Krinfocom's Zork on her Krapp-el IIe Crystal Computer. She's all, "You're going to overload it and destroy everything and then we'll never find the Lost Bottled City of Kandor!" Hey! They're one of my suspects because Superman's enemy knows all about him and the Bottled People of Kandor have heard all Superman's secrets because he probably talks in his sleep.

Supergirl is putting the clues together just like Trixie Belden! I guess knowing what people eat is important.

Batman calls up to let Superman know that he hired Zatanna to cast a spell of silence over their current conversation so Superman's Joker wouldn't be able to hear them speak. He should have had her cast the spell, "Ohw si s'namrepuS rekoJ?" Even though Batman doesn't know who Superman's Joker is or what Superman's Joker likes to eat, he still believes he knows exactly how Superman's Joker is going to act. He figures, "Hey! My Joker would hurt the people closest to me! So that's what Superman's Joker is going to do!" I guess that's logical if you start with like eight thousand assumptions and just assume the assumptions aren't assumptions at all but hard and fast truths!

Batman tells Superman he's figured out who Superman's Joker will go after next: the person Superman most confides in, who understands him best, who he'd miss most if she were gone: Lois Lane!

Oh, I get it! Batman didn't pay Zatanna anything at all! He's just a big fibber!

Hopefully Superman's Joker didn't see the season finale of the second season of Arrow or else he already sees through Batman's plan. Make sure Superman's Joker thinks they can't be heard and then spout a bunch of nonsense that Superman's Joker will act on. Superman almost blows the plan by saying, "This is crazy. I don't get it! I don't..OH! RIGHT! Yes, The Batman, you are correct! I very much love Lois Lane the reporter with all of my heart! Oh I sure do hope that my Joker does not hurt her! Wink, wink."

Superman's Joker fires off a magic bullet headed toward Lois Lane. But when Superman tries to catch it, it ducks and weaves and changes direction, finally hitting the person who truly has Superman's heart and soul: The Batman!

This makes no sense. Does this make any sense at all? I mean, unless you just got done watching the worst move ever made, Passenger 57. Shit, I should really do a critical essay on that movie sometime. It's so bad.

Actually, I made a mistake in that last caption. The worst movie ever made (that I've actually seen. There could be some worse ones out there!) is Boondock Saints. Even The Room and Trolls 2 are better than it!

Before Batman can die, Superman digs the bullet out of his chest.

Okay, that's pretty awesome.

I knew those Kandorians were sick to death of seeing Superman scratch his balls and pick dingleberries out of his ass and sniff them right in front of the Bottled City every night. That must be their motivation, right? It can't have anything to do with feeling betrayed by him or being mind controlled by Non or some other Phantom Zoner, right? I do like how the magic bullet was just a microscopic Kryptonian flying around blasting through crap. Good thing Batman is paranoid and fills his armor with Kryptonite dust! Good job, Bruce!

Using the clues Batman found by using Lois as bait, Doctor Ray Palmer is able to trace the Kandorian's flight path back to a hole in Iceland in which rests the Bottled City of Kandor full of angry little Kandorians sick to death of smelling Superman's morning farts. I guess Superman and Batman are going to have to use The Atom's Shrink R.A.Y. so they can infiltrate Kandor and stop them from telling all the great jokes they've been telling lately.

Batman Loves Superman #18 Rating: +2 Ranking. I said I wanted the reveal of Superman's Joker to be spectacular and I wasn't disappointed (for once!). Sure, I guessed the Kandorians were behind it last issue (which makes me a pretty amazing comic book reader if you ignore the fact that I also guessed Krypto) but the fact that Kandorians were using themselves as the bullets? That was pretty fucking awesome. Kudos on that one, Greg Pak. Unless it's been done before and then shame on you!

Vibe #4

How can you be betrayed by somebody whose trust you've never earned in the first place? Punch him in the throat, Batman!

Vibe has begun to get suspicious of A.R.G.U.S. and Agent Gunn and Amanda Waller. I would say it's about time but he's actually come to the realization much quicker than I would have expected. Perhaps he'll run into Batman as he's investigating the Justice League of America. That pronoun was meant to be ambiguous because I think they'll both be investigating the JLA when they end up sneaking backwards into each other in a dark subbasement hallway.

The issue begins with Agent Gunn's wife starting an argument.

Why do so many strong, young black men got to go for these white bitches?

Casey has no idea what he's arguing for. All Casey wants is for Gunn to wear a stupid ring when he's at work. A lousy ring! Casey really wants to risk his life for a tiny, insignificant, minute little point? Casey! Wake the fuck up, dumb dumb! A.R.G.U.S. fucks with super villains heroes! Somebody is eventually going to get pissed and you think you're going to be able to defend the home with your dish soap soft hands? You're in construction, right? Perhaps you should get busy with the fucking coffin.

Meanwhile I forgot that someone in a strange blue and gold costume had infiltrated Vibe's inner sanctum. That's his bedroom. And he's got half a message to deliver to Vibe and by gum he's going to deliver it!

Success!

Meanwhile Gypsy is busy gathering her super hero uniform and helping the homeless and recovering spilled popcorn. She seems like a very sweet interdimensional devil warrior. Too bad A.R.G.U.S. and Vibe are going to hunt her down and bring her to justice! That'll teach her to try to better her life in another dimension without all of the proper paper work. How dare she take jobs from Prime Dimensionalists! Just because she has a good attitude and a hard work ethic doesn't mean she should be allowed to earn Prime Dimensional Currency! Go back where you came from, you shape-shifting Breachie!

Oh, I once wrote a comic book about aliens coming to America! I'm linking to it instead of posting it here because the font probably won't be readable when I reduce it to 620 pixels. But I assure you that I wrote at least half the shit over there at No Apologies! Press! I'm The Red Lizard King in the Editorials section and I also wrote Dwarflover, Superball!, True American History, Quasi-Thinking (which would be a terrific Tumblr site), Sci-fi Tales, Movie Reviews, and co-wrote Reading Rainbow Outtakes, Future Retard, and Crazy Asian Drinks. The majority of Grunion Guy's stories are posted there as well. But enough about the past, eh? Especially when I didn't provide links to each bit. Like anybody is going to do a few clicks worth of work to read any of that old shit. That stuff is ancient history! Over a decade old! Holy fuck I've been writing shit on the internet for a Goddamn long time.

I really like the first one didn't take line. It just says so much about Gunn's life in such a minimal amount of space. Beautifully subtle, really. In that way that isn't too subtle so that only a few readers get it. It's there for everyone but it doesn't bash anybody over the head with a long explication of his time trying to pass. Plus it leaves us with the knowledge that he has a, probably interesting, story to tell.

So Vibe is off to find Gypsy now. I really don't think those two should work together ever again. I mean, Vibe is already working with Martian Manhunter! Now you're going to throw Gypsy in the mix? What next? Steel and Vixen? Disaster!

The crowd is restless and obviously anti-American the way they keep screaming about how they have rights and shit. Don't they realize the government is just trying to keep them safe by keeping them confined? Sheesh! You want to live until your liver gives out, right people? Then give up your stupid freedoms already so that you can feel safer! Geez. Trouble makers.

Vibe gives chase to Gypsy until he's kicked in the face by Batman. Uh oh! I think the Justice League may have gotten wind of Amanda Waller's stupid plan to kill them.

Except Batman is really Gypsy! Oh man! She's so tricky! But shouldn't she get a new name? I mean, really? Gypsy? Isn't that a little derogatory? Why not Spic? Or Kike? Or Nigger? Or Cunt? Or Honky? Or...man. Honky! Why can't we think up a good derogatory slang word for white men? You know why? Because they've usually been raised in a culture that teaches them they have all the power and everybody else is inferior. So there's no real stigma attached to the word. Unless you're someone like my high school friend Soy Rakelson who was constantly upset when white men were the butt of jokes or the punching bags in essays. He'd flip out and wonder why that wasn't discrimination or why people weren't protesting that piece of writing. Man. He had issues. Oh! I think calling white people racist is the best derogatory term you can come up with. Especially if they aren't! Boy, they turn red and sputter and go into a death spiral of verbiage as they try to defend themselves against the claim. The Honky half of me doesn't give a shit about being called anything but the Spic half of me will fucking gut you if you degrade my Spanish ancestors! And let's not even get into sexual orientation! Heterosexual with Continuous Bouts of Narcissistic Self-Love and College Experimental Tendencies.

I bet the name "Gypsy" was simply less offensive than everything I wrote after bringing that up! For the record, I think football teams with Native American mascots are bullshit. Fuck everyone who thinks that's okay.

Looks like Vibe isn't going to be in the JLA for very long.

By collapsing the ceiling on A.R.G.U.S., Vibe gets a moment to speak privately to Gypsy. He discovers that she was left behind as her tribe moved through this dimension and she simply wants to find a way home to her family. Vibe believes her because she's a pretty girl.

Agent Gunn is getting to know Vibe and he realizes Vibe probably just needs to be talked to about Gypsy and what letting her go could mean. But Amanda is a cold-hearted bitch that wants things done her way no matter what may be wrong or right. Fuck reality. Amanda Waller writes reality, bitches. So she calls up her other team to take care of this mess and capture Vibe and Gypsy alive.

This may be my favorite moment with the Suicide Squad so far in the entire New 52!

Vibe #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic is fun and interesting and I like where things are headed. I apologize to Sterling Gates for continuously calling him a crappy writer. Obviously he was merely writing down to Rob Liefeld's artistic level. Man, that's the worst apology in the world because now I need to apologize to Rob Liefeld too! Fuck that! Once he (or someone in his camp) claimed he was basically as important as Jack Kirby to the world of comics, I was done with him. Just because you created a lot of characters that were exactly alike with no personality whatsoever and all had names like Blooddeath and Deathspew and Killalot and Deathkill and Bloodflow and Deadborn and Smashkill, it doesn't mean you were an amazing creator. And just because you created a character like Deadpool, it doesn't mean you "created" the character! You made a shitty character that other people turned into a hilarious anti-hero. It's kind of like Giffen creating Lobo. The potential may have been there but not until Alan Grant got his grubby little mind on him did the character turn into something hilarious and fantastic. Of course he became an overused punching bag soon after that, but that doesn't erase the peak of his career.

Anyway, what I was trying to say was this: I'm sorry for putting down your writing so often, Mr. Gates. I'm very much enjoying Vibe and it's apparent you know what you're doing. Congratulations!