Justice League #36

The secret is that it steals super powers from those with super powers and gives those super powers to people without super powers. So a whole lot of infected people are probably going to be seriously disappointed when they realize they can merely speak with fish.

I don't really know what the secret of the Amazo Virus is. But I have to figure it has something to do with Amazo's powers since it was named after him, right? That's the smart guess! The dumb guess would be to think it caused everybody to say that everything was "Amazing!" Actually, I think that virus is already loose on the world.

Last issue, the Amazo Virus was breached and Lex Luthor's warning computer said, "The infection begins now." Or something like that. That's a pretty dramatic warning to program into your security system. Instead of something like, "Risk of Infection now approaching 100%," or something more scientific, the computer simply acts like a stage production of "You're All About To Die" is just beginning.

This issue begins twenty-four hours after the Amazo Virus was set loose in Metropolis. Metropolis is mostly deserted except for a few sick looters. Biohazard Batman and Superman have been tasked with rounding up the infected and putting them in quarantine.

Symptoms of the Amazo Virus are random super powers. So it's like Bloodlines! Or the Terrigen Mist! Or any of the other various bombs, blasts, or airborne illnesses that have turned normal people into super heroes in the past.

Now that normal humans are receiving super powers, the Justice League and other super heroes feel threatened. So they have to quarantine everyone and figure out how to cure them of their super powers because you can't have just anybody gaining super powers. I mean, that's generally how it works. But you can't allow lots and lots and lots of people to gain super powers all at the same time. So the Justice League will probably tell them that they're going to die if they don't take the cure. You know, just so it doesn't seem like the Justice League is being petty and acting like selfish assholes.

Most of the rest of the Justice League have been infected and are dying. Batman seems to think finding Patient Zero is their best effort at curing the virus. Why? I don't know! Isn't that always the way? At least it gives Batman and Superman something to do. Lex Luthor (who, like Batman, was at the center of the exposure and is not infected) is taking care of the sick league members. Wonder Woman is hanging around with him casually threatening him to help her friends. She's immune to the virus because she's a demi-god.

Wait. If the virus wasn't airborne to begin with, did Patient Zero run up into the lab and snort it up his sinus cavity? Inject it into his veins? Dip his herpes-sores covered penis into it?

Maybe Patient Zero is Bizarro! I can see Bizarro doing one of those weird things to the disease. Maybe he ingested it all to try to save Metropolis but then it infected him and then mutated to be airborne. Then he flew around farting Amazo Virus into everybody's faces.

Turns out Neutron was trying to kill Lex Luthor for reasons that will be familiar to all comic book fans: somebody put out a generalized hit on Lex Luthor, payment going to the first super villain that succeeds. The next person in line is some guy named Bullet.

And then Superman and Batman find Patient Zero.

Jimmy? Jimmy Olsen?

Justice League #36 Rating: This is like the worst episode ever of House! A container full of a non-airborne virus is punctured which somehow infects one single person. Then while the virus is inside that single person, it just happens to mutate and become airborne! And from that one person, the contagion spreads across an entire city in less than 24 hours and has somehow moved on to other cities even though Lex and Bruce knew exactly what was happening immediately and got the authorities to stop all travel into and out of the city. So am I supposed to believe that Patient Zero (who I'm just going to assume was Jimmy Olsen) somehow got the virus into an open cut on his body while being nowhere near the breached container. Then he instantly became sick without knowing it and started coughing in everybody's faces? Obviously Patient One must be Lois Lane then because she's the only person that will talk to him. Maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about and it really all makes complete sense! It's not like I know anything about medicine except what I've seen in old reruns of Trapper John, MD. Oh, and House!

Harley Quinn #12

I'm conflicted! Lego characters are the least sexy characters of any characters ever. And yet, their hands are pre-shaped for giving handies!

Everybody knew a Harley Quinn book would sell like crazy no matter who was writing or drawing it. I'm surprised DC didn't give this series to Ann Nocenti. I would have loved that! Or maybe I would have hated it? It's hard to say. I think I'm just going through Ann Nocenti withdrawals since my comic book store forgot to put Klarion #2 in my pull box last month and I just realized I was missing it. Maybe they were just trying to keep me sane?

Last issue (not the smelly issue! The regular issue!), Harley Quinn and Power Girl had teamed up to defeat The Clock King and Sportsmaster. That doesn't sound like much of a challenge for Power Girl. One guy has a fascination with time pieces and the other commits crime wearing various pieces of sports equipment. They sound like the kind of criminals Adam West's Batman would have battled.

Should Clock King be so casual about referencing oral sex in a Teen Rated comic book? And why is Harley Quinn agreeing with him?!

Clock King has a teleportation device that sends Harley and Karen to another planet ruled by a massive Pug and his four-breasted humanoid queen. I didn't know teleportation came standard on wristwatches! Maybe I should look into wearing one again.

A human chained to a rock identifies Power Girl as a superhero of Earth. But before he can point out that Harley Quinn is a super villain, Harley Quinn blows him to bits with a gun she grabbed off one of the alien guards. Good thing she killed the guy before he could point out she is a killer!

Power Girl doesn't seem too fazed. I wonder how many more people Harley can kill before Power Girl gets upset?

The massive pug really is the four-breasted humanoid's husband. After he sits on Harley's face, King Pug decides to parlay with Power Girl and Harley Quinn instead of enslaving them. Partly because Harley killed his wife's lover but mostly because Power Girl is too powerful to be enslaved. Parlaying with the huge talking Pug reveals a way back home.

Earlier, the dog ate his wife. Power Girl, once again, doesn't seem fazed to be working with a murderer who engages in domestic violence.

Oh wait. Maybe I should have read the next page.

Although I can maintain the integrity of my narrative by believing that Harley is speaking the wife-eating bubbles.

Manos's realm is guarded by a huge sentient slice of pizza. Is that a parody of some Marvel character I don't know? The Cosmic Pepperoni? The Watcher's Dinner? Galactuslice? Maybe the pizza is Manos since it's underside does look like Thanos's chin.

The pizza isn't Manos because it's killed. Now somebody is going to have to explain to me why Manos was being guarded by a monstrous slice of space pizza.

Power Girl's plan was to talk Manos into letting them borrow the Teleportation Ring so they could get back home. But Manos destroys an entire planet while they watch which is just over Power Girl's line of acceptable behavior. Now she's going to have to kick his ass.

Or Harley will accidentally kill him.

Power Girl and Harley Quinn return to Earth roughly one second after they left. But then they get teleported back to another world and then return roughly one second after they left for that one. But since the comic book is only twenty pages, that adventure will have to be left to everybody's imagination. It was probably full of hot, steamy showers, lots and lots of orgies, cupcakes and doughnuts, and explicitly drawn oral sex between all manner of genders.

Anyway, be with us next time for "Clock King Gets His Clock Cleaned," or "Sportsmaster Courts Disaster."

Harley Quinn #12 Rating: Even though we're a full week into December, No Ratings November is still in effect. I've got about one more week left of November issues before my revamped rankings are ready to go. At that point, the rankings off to the side will shuffle around quite a bit to reflect some of the creative team changes in recent months. Harley will probably stay in relatively the same place. Unless she pisses me off with all of these extra issues she keeps starring in that cost way too much fucking money!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #36

Yay! I hope all of these fuckers overdose!

Jason Todd injected himself with a used needle containing an unknown drug last issue because he's a motherfucking idiot. Starfire has been fucked up on Space Heroin ever since she decided her friends were controlling assholes. And Roy Harper was burnt to a crisp by Starfire's backblast. The spraying fire everywhere when she flies must be a side effect of the Space Heroin. Unless it's a misinterpretation of her never ending flight hair for flames due to Scott Lobdell's poor reading and writing skills. I suppose, if I wanted to be charitable and not be a complete douchebag, I could interpret the accident in a way that makes sense. Like a side-effect of the Space Heroin. Or maybe Starfire wanting extra lift because she was angry at Roy trying to control her so she blasted the ground (and Roy!) with starbolts as she flew up into the air. But I don't like to be charitable with my interpretations of Scott Lobdell's stories. He has earned nothing from me but hatred and venom. I'm already annoyed that the first page of this comic book is probably going to be wasted with some form of "My name is Jason Todd" bullshit plastered on a boring, full page image that could easily have been done in one panel if Scott Lobdell could be bothered to actually fill twenty pages of comic book with actual story and dialogue.

This page makes me so angry!

Compare this to Batgirl which averaged over nine panels per page last issue. Batgirl is charming and a joy to read and you can tell the writers, Stewart and Fletcher, want to pack as much into each issue as they can. They're overflowing with things to say about the characters and the setting. The artist, Babs Tarr, fills every panel with gorgeous things to look at, colored wonderfully by Maris Wicks. Their enthusiasm for the story gushes messily from the pages and across the eager, expectant face of the reader. And this? This is some asshole kid writing his assignment the night before it's due. This is Scott Lobdell casually slapping the reader across the face with his flaccid penis. While Batgirl has nine panels full of dialogue per page, this first page of Lobdell's book has one panel and a mere six Narration Boxes. Thirty words and one picture for the first page. And Lobdell isn't the only one that isn't trying. Silva and Faucher have drawn an action figure without feet and with maybe five points of articulation.

Anyway, Jason Todd is fucked up on that drug I mentioned earlier. I guess he likes the way it feels as it turns him into a cat. This should be just the initial rush though because even though he was on the drug in Supergirl, he was acting quite normal and even sweet in that appearance.

By the end of the fourth page (six panels total), Jason Todd kills the venom-fueled terrorists easily because he's a better, angrier fighter. The Venom wears off and Jason Todd leaves to find Roy and Kori. The entire time, he's helpfully Narration Boxing so that I don't accidentally interpret the action or his motivations incorrectly. Wouldn't want me not knowing that Roy Harper is practically a "genius in Rockabilly trim." Really? That's his look? Rockabilly? Has anybody ever told that to the artists on this book? Because I've never seen him in cuffed jeans, huge sideburns and a pompadour.

Oh wait! Yeah, yeah. I see the Rockabilly look now.

Jason can't find Starfire and Roy because, as seen above, Starfire has brought Roy to the worst hospital with the most bureaucratic nurses in the country.

"Yeah, hon, you're gonna wanna hurry it up with these forms before yer boyfriend here dies."

Starfire sets fire to the bushes around the hospital so that the nurses will shut the fuck up about procedure and get this horribly burned and probably dying man into the hospital for some emergency care. I guess somebody else will take care of the flames before everybody in the hospital winds up like Roy?

The scene shifts back to the present with Oliver Queen in Roy's hospital room with Jason Todd. And because Jason Todd is a teenaged rebel full of angst and hormones, he tries to pick a fight with Oliver in every panel. Also, Oliver doesn't act much like an adult either because speaking rationally and calmly doesn't lead to conflict and without conflict how do you build character?!

I guess the first order of business in the emergency room was a hair transplant.

I'm not a huge fan of Green Arrow but I hope Oliver kicks Jason Todd's ass. The fucking punk needs to be humbled! But I don't see that happening in a book written by Scott Lobdell. If Jason Todd is to appear weak, it won't be by being beat down by an old man like Green Arrow! It'll be by getting addicted to drugs like a cool, young rock star!

They don't fight because Essence appears and magically heals Arsenal because I guess that's one of the things she does. But he still has to remain in bed for the rest of this story! Or at least this issue. Probably. He might show how stubborn and strong he is by dragging his ass out of bed to demand they go find and help Starfire.

Meanwhile in Poland, Starfire shoots up more Space Heroin because she's just so full of pain from her Space Past. Nobody has known pain like Starfire has known pain! Nobody can understand where she's coming from! It's not like she knows some kid who was killed by a crazed monster and then brought back to life and felt betrayed by the only adult that ever cared for him once he returned. And it's not like she knows some other guy who was known as Speedy for years and years! That's pain you don't just bounce back from.

While Oliver remains at Roy's side, Jason Todd heads off to find Crux because that character wasn't a huge idiot and probably won't want his spaceship back at all. Crux will somehow be able to find Starfire better than anybody else on Earth. Starfire is whacked out on Space Heroin and locked in the back of a truck driven by alien-drug dealers. I'm sure Crux will know immediately that that's where they'll find her! He just knows so much about her!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #36 Rating: Here's how you write a Scott Lobdell interaction between generations of super heroes. The older guy says something condescending. The younger guy snaps back angrily. The older guy points out the younger guy doesn't know anything. The younger guy does a thing that the older guy thought wouldn't work but then it does and the older guy looks stupid. Older guy respects the younger guy. Younger guy still acts like a total and complete asshole.

Batwoman #36

Is that where Jason Blood has been all this time? At an AA meeting?

That symbol has a few more additions to the Alcoholic Anonymous symbol, so maybe this is Demonology Anonymous? Do people wear chains with this symbol around their neck and sometimes run into strangers who will notice the symbol and say, "Oh, are you a friend of Merlin's?" My guess is that Merlin started Demonology Anonymous after years of out of control grafting of demons onto human hosts. He finally realized he was powerless over summoning demons and that his life had become an unmanageable mess of demon summoning. Next, he came to believe that Madame Xanadu could restore him to sanity. Next he promised to turn his life over to Dog as he understood him, be it Terrier or Labradoodle or Cocker Spaniel or, most especially, Pembroke Welsh Corgi. Then he made up a bunch of bullshit steps until he had a list that seemed like he put a lot of work into improving his life and then wrote a book bragging about it which helped a lot of lonely, powerless, incompetent people. One of those people was Jason Blood. The rest of those people were probably all of the other people that fell victim to Merlin's demon summoning shenanigans.

Like last issue, this issue ignores how last issue ended. Although this one might be starting where last issue should have started according to the way the issue before last ended. So Batwoman looks even more vampiric than usual. She's also acting way more obsessive compulsive about cleaning up street crime by threatening to kill some taggers. That's a sign of vampirism as well as the pasty skin and the sharp teeth and the swank clothes.

As Batwoman wastes her time on some teenagers, some Demonology Anonymous members get fried when the girl they're sacrificing explodes. I think sacrificing a hot, young virgin is one of the twelve steps. Female virgin. Nobody wants to see a greasy male nerd tied to a mystic standing stone.

Why is this taking place in Starling City? Have you noticed now that The Flash has aired on The CW, Infantino has become a major thoroughfare as well?

Batwoman comes to her senses just in time to follow the Gotham Police to the accident at the Demonology Anonymous meeting. The Gotham Police seem to have a different attitude to Batwoman than they have with Batman. They simply let her stride about the crime scene making gagging noises and pretending like she knows what she's looking for as she waits around for Maggie Sawyer to show up. When Maggie does, Kate runs up to her and says, "Maggie! Maggie! Pay attention to me! Maggie! Maggie! I still love you! Maggie! Maggie! I didn't mean to fuck that vampire! Maggie! Maggie! I made all of your decisions for you because I wanted you to be happy! Maggie! Maggie! I probably should have trusted you to figure out your own problems but I'm a controlling jerk-off whose life has become unmanageable so I micromanage the lives of others at the expense of my own happiness!" Actually, she doesn't say that last thing because she hasn't made enough progress with her therapist yet.

Maggie smells vampire vagina on Kate's lips and pretty much tells her to fuck off.

One of the burnt-to-hell Demonology Anonymous members survives and recognizes the doctor in the emergency room as Jason Blood! When he touches him, Jason has a flashback to the best comic so far of The New 52.

Um. What is going on in that middle area?

Later, Natalia Mitternacht, secret vampire (only because the people of Gotham are so stupid they can't see what's right in front of their eyes (the only people dumber are the citizens of Metropolis!)), comes by Kate's apartment to take her out on a date. And even though I know it's totally cliche for a heterosexual male to get all worked up over two women kissing and touching, I'm still all worked up over it. Look at them! They're adorable! And fucking sexy! Plus I might be a little bit under their vampire spell.

I suddenly wish this comic book were rated Super Mature!

On their date, they run into Kate's therapist who is a little bit therapissed. Kate hasn't been around to see him ever since she got vampirized because vampires don't need to deal with their pasts. Unless they're one of Anne Rice's vampires and then whole chapters will be devoted to their gnashing of teeth and rending of garments over the mistakes they made across the centuries. Another vampire that constantly worries about his past because he's a huge puss is Angel.

Meanwhile, Ragman buys the mystic doodad used to explode the virgin in the ceremony earlier in the night. He gets it at a steal for seven dollars and fifty cents! Unless he paid seven hundred and fifty dollars for it. Or maybe seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars for it? It's hard to tell with these Goddamned negotiators and their inability to ever actually say the exact dollar amount when making deals.

Later meanwhile elsewhere, Alice returns to Gotham. You know, Kate's sister Beth who calls herself Alice. Unless it's different.

And then we get the scene that makes Kate and Maggie's breakup well worth it! Good decision to not let her get married, Mr. Didio!

Although is it weird that Batman is standing in the room beating off? I mean, probably beating off. Why wouldn't he be? I am! Mostly because all of the blood reminds me of my old sex fantasies with Vampire Tig!

I just completely ruined that last scene, didn't I? It's like, here's a scene portraying a couple of lesbians doing what lesbians do best (other than dark poetry about swamps) and I have to rub my heterosexuality all over it! Now instead of an example of equal media representation of nonheteronormative lust mixed with gore, it's just a cum-covered example of the violent, blood-soaked male gaze of heteronormative media! Such a shame! Although I can't help it if heterosexual interests share a space on the Venn Diagram of Lust with lesbian interests! If my heterosexual cock were at a party and he struck up a conversation with a lesbian vagina, they'd find they have a lot in common! They'd probably become best friends! Platonic best friends, of course! Which would probably confuse my penis to no end.

Anyway, that sexy scene was Kate remembering the night she first fucked Nocturna. And she seems a bit freaked out by it. I don't know if the blood disturbed her more or the fact that Batman was watching.

Here's a sexy scene for the other group that shares a spot on the Venn Diagram of Lust!

Oh yeah! Work that shaft! Tease the head! Tease the head! Now smack those balls roughly on the back stroke! Grip it tight! Tighter! TIGHTE---UNH! Hunh. Hunh. Hunh. Oh yeah. Yeah. Sleepy time.

Etrigan interrupts Jason Blood while he's jerking it in the shower. Apparently they haven't seen each other in a long time although they recognize each other instantly. Will the magic that binds them spark to life now that they're in close proximity to one another and Jason's cock is throbbing wildly in the wind? I suppose they won't be able to resist merging.

Batwoman #36 Rating: Why did that comic book make me so horny?! It was terrific!

Trinity of Sin #2

God is a gigantic Kitten?! Hallelujah! I believe!

Last issue ended with the surprise revelation of Quackers the Cosmic Duck. She might be the most powerful DC Villain not created by Jack Kirby. I say "might be" because I know nothing about Quackers the Cosmic Duck. She might also just be another boring character created and written by J.M. DeMatteis. I wish I knew how to write comic books so I could give J.M. some pointers to help him create believable, likable, and interesting characters. I'd say, "J, bro. Can I call you J? What the audience is looking for is three dimensionality! They want to believe that these characters are feeling the feels forced on them by the situation they're in! You can't just have The Phantom Stranger's entire character be 'He wears a fedora and a trench coat.' You have to think up aspects of their personality which cause them to constantly make poor decisions, or to love too well, or to listen to witches, or to believe gossip from the dumbest and least likable of his three daughters. Here's what I do when I want to make a believable character, J. I make a Master List of Personalty Traits. Then I hang that list on the wall so I can refer back to it when I'm writing a scene containing that character. Let's say it's the nineties and I just created a comic book character named Bloodageddon. I'd list his personality traits like so:

1. Enjoys storing things in pouches.
2. Likes to shoot guns.
3. Has an eyepatch or robot eye or something wrong with one eye.
4. Kills wantonly.
5. Comes from the future. Probably. Maybe the past!
6. Always talks tough. Especially when it seems like he's going to die!
7. Best killer ever.
8. I mentioned the guns right? Lots and lots of guns!
9. Cool hair.
10. Muscles and/or bangs chicks a lot.

See? Now I know what motivates Bloodageddon! And I can write issue after issue without ever forgetting what makes him who he is! Maybe you should try that, J. If you do, you owe me $50 for the lesson. This wasn't free advice!"

She's Quackers the Cosmic Duck! She'll fill your ears with yuck after yuck! She'll philosophize and harmonize and tantalize and eat your fries! Then she'll make you question humanity's ephemeral and insignificant place in the chaotic and ever changing univeeeeeeeerse! Quackers! *QUACK*

Quackers sends Pandora and The Phantom Stranger to a place called the Shadowlands. That's right next door to the place souls go when they lose a game of Yu-Gi-Oh. Waiting for Pandy and Phanty are Quackers, Landminotaur, She-Serpent, and The Dolphin King. I think J.M. DeMatteis was told to write a script for a Saturday Morning Cartoon.

A fight breaks out but since it takes place in the arena of Quackers' mind, Pandora and The Stranger never have a chance. But Quackers still needs The Question if she's to use their powers to turn Earth into Dark Earth. See, Quackers is the last of her kind and she's angry that humans get to have parties and eat cakes and dance and fuck and play and eat more cakes while she's had to sit in the dark alone for billions of years. She'd probably have friends as well but God put up a big sign that says, "Don't feed the ducks. Bread is not, and never has been, a part of their natural diet, you stupid humans."

Quackers easily tricks The Question into coming over to Dark Earth because he can't resist a good mystery. He likes to find out the answers so he can say, "The Question knows!" Unless it's the Shadow that knows! Maybe he just likes answering questions. Who knows?

The Sha...SHUT UP!

The Question makes his saving throw against pseudo-philosophical bullshit.

Quackers catches The Question as well and transports the Trinity of Sin to the Rock of Eternity where they first got railroaded in a sham trial put on by asshole wizards. Quackers uses the Trinity's three artifacts to open up a portal of sin and cover Earth in darkness. Essentially it's the same thing that was happening in Forever Evil: Blight only this time Blight is a Cosmic Duck with hooters.

Trinity of Sin #2 Rating: Who am I? And who am I? But even if you can answer those questions, you still have to wonder: who am I? It's times like these that I wish I knew who I was! Or that there were more questions than just that one so that I could get some fucking answers!

New Guardians #36

Fear or urine? Perhaps both?

Wasn't Kyle Rayner chosen by Ganthet while Rayner was pissing in an alley? Or was that just a weird sex dream I had recently?

Judging by the cover, it doesn't look like Kyle's trip to New Genesis goes very well. Here's how I think this book will go.

Kyle: "Nice planet you have here."
Highfather: "You are a huge puss. Give me the Life Equation."
Kyle: "Chill, dude."
Highfather: "You are less than something that is less than nothing. Give me the Life Equation."
Kyle: "Yo, Carol, let's hit the bricks."
Highfather: "I have tried being polite! Now I must kill you!"
Huge fight breaks out. Just before Kyle almost dies, some New Genesissian whom Highfather once called a ponce saves Kyle and Carol and they escape to the surface of the planet to await the next chapter of Godhead in which they appear.

That's probably way too specific! I should take a page out of Nostradamus's books and be vague and ambiguous when guessing plot points. Now my entire guess will be off the mark and I'll look like one huge fool of a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

This is the nice planet part! We should probably end things here and deem my prognostication entirely accurate!

The rest plays out just a tiny bit differently than I had guessed. Highfather practically calls Kyle a puss and Kyle practically tells Highfather to calm down but in such a polite way that you'd probably never realize they were seconds away from tearing each other's throats out. And in just six pages, Highfather and Kyle have worked out a deal.

I'm sure the fight is still to come!

Now that Highfather has the most powerful cockring in the Omniverse (it hurts so much to type that! Why don't I just use Multiverse like everybody at DC was told to do except Scott Lobdell because nobody actually likes talking to him?), he's going to go defeat Darkseid. Too bad all Highfather will find are a bunch of Batarangs and a pool of Darkseid's tears.

After giving up his ring, Kyle listens to how Highfather is going to use it to change Earth, turn it into a trap, and fight the war to end all multiversity wars upon the face of it. That's when Kyle says to Carol, "Was I too hasty? Should I have maybe asked a few more questions? Shouldn't you have stopped me before making this rash decision, being that you're an experienced business woman and I'm just a lowly comic book artist that gets suckered into horrible contracts all the time?"

This is where Highfather calls Kyle a big puss.

See? I think the narrative is going to play out fairly closely to how I predicted it would except for the part about the ring being given up immediately!

This is where Kyle says, "Chill, dude!" and then Highfather declares Kyle is less than nothing! Or however I said it earlier!

Now all they have to do is fight! Except Kyle has no powers, so I guess it will be Carol versus Highfather. That battle will probably only last a panel longer than if it were Kyle against Highfather alone with no powers. Which is why they're going to have to be saved by some New Gods that have issues with Highfather's controlling ways!

Carol's ring runs out after two pages of lots of pink ink. I think the only way to defeat him now is to start fucking so that Highfather goes, "What...what is that?! What are you...stop that! You're ruining the floor! Oh...oh...I'm going to vomit!" Then while Highfather is dry heaving a new universe into existence, Kyle can kick Highfather in the balls and yell, "I learned that move from Steve-O, bitch!" Then he'll get his White Ring back and save the day! And all thanks to Jackass!

Kyle and Carol get BOOM Tubed down to the surface of the planet. So technically they were saved by a New Genesissian, right? And I'm sure Highfather has, at one time in his life when Darkseid tricked him real good, punched himself in the side of the head and said, "You stupid, bloody ponce!" So I was completely and utterly correct in my prediction!

Highfather tests his new Life Equation Power on the planet Muz (Sector 3502! That's the place Von Daggle was hiding!--Knows Useless Stuff Tess!), turning everybody on the planet into Orion wannabes. That's when the Bohemian Guardians feel a disturbance in the Spectrum and realize Kyle fucked up big time.

New Guardians #36 Rating: Why is this book still called New Guardians? That's the only reason the Bohemain Guardians are in it! Otherwise the stupid title makes no sense! I liked it better when Bleez and that Orange Potato and the Nok Nok guy and Saint Sperm Head and all the other ones were forming a team. What will the next incarnation of the "New Guardians" be once Kyle refuses to hang out with hippie bastards at the end of all this? Are Carol and Kyle alone enough to constitute "New Guardians?"

Supergirl #36

Is it a horrible font? I bet it's a horrible font!

Why am I still reading this comic book? It's obvious that Supergirl has moved on with her life and she's dating that scrotum-beard, Mike-hole. How could she do this to me? I gave her everything and she just goes on with her life as if I don't exist? Or as if she doesn't exist? Hopefully whatever the Menace of the Crucible is, it kills jerks in wheelchairs who go around stealing other people's girlfriends.

Since we last saw Supergirl kissing that fucking piece of shit, she's taken a job at a coffee house where she runs into all kinds of interesting people.

Or totally boring people that aren't interesting in any way at all! *wink wink*

Why is Supergirl working at a coffee house? She should rob a bank and be set for years! Just one measly little bank. Where's the harm in that? Even if she were caught, she could pretend she was mind-controlled by Queen Bee or Hector Hammond or Lex Luthor and she'd never be prosecuted. Lois Lane caused the deaths of thousands of people recently and apparently nobody gave a fuck because she was possessed by Brainiac! I don't know why these super heroes haven't thought of this themselves! "Ohhh shit...um, where am I? Oh fuck, how did I get all this money? Last thing I remember I answered this Craigslist ad from P. Pirate and then nothing! Whoa, I am so sorry! But, you know, wasn't my fault and all. See you later!"

If I were a super hero, I would charge people to touch my penis. That's not breaking any laws, is it? If I were an alien super hero, I'd just tell everybody I didn't know that was wrong on Earth because my people do it all the time! Then if people argued with my culture, I could call them insensitive bastards! And then ask them if they want to touch my penis for $20.

This just doesn't strike me as advice Clark would really give to Kara. He knows the benefit of being around regular people in a civilian identity. At most, I think maybe he'd lecture her to develop a secret identity. You know, maybe hit the Warby Parker homepage.

Kara's nails are totally adorable. Maybe I'm giving up on this relationship too easily! And look at that cute little bum as she heads back into work! Kara! Mike-hole isn't good enough for you!

Superman has been doubting himself because he thinks maybe the fears that he might turn on the world are well founded. If whatever is going on in Batman isn't a dream then I'd say he's right. Superman gets mind controlled and turns on the Earth. Superman contracts Doomsday Herpes and turns on the Earth. Superman gets shot up with Joker Toxin and turns on the Earth. How is he supposed to keep the world safe when he can't even keep his own mind safe? And the world definitely won't be safe from Supergirl unless she's finally learned that punching people in the face is an inappropriate way to greet strangers on Earth.

Kara still misses Siobhan. She hasn't talked to her since that time Kara got upset with her because she didn't care about Kara's vaginal kryptonite poisoning. Which Kara never actually told her about. While she's thinking about having lost her best friend for no reason at all, she's kidnapped by a bunch of aliens and inserted into The Crucible!

Actually, she's inserted into the entrance exams for The Crucible. She passes easily. Just as I knew she would! That's my girl! And by "girl" I mean "person I'd like to stare at naked and possible put my tongue in her various orifices." I don't know why I said that! That's what I always mean by girl!

This college sounds like a scam! Like Carrington College or the University of Phoenix or Oxford.

The "recruiters" are Maxima, Tsavo, and Comet. And apparently The Crucible is where Omniologist Shay Veritas trained. I don't think that's a great recommendation. After graduation, she had to use a cane and could only live in the center of the Earth! Unless those were just results of the after-graduation party.

And finally, a surprise guest on the final page! Thus the "finally!"

Idiot. You exist to be a living weapon! Your purpose is to destroy shit! In all your search, you never once read the first page of any Superboy comic book by Scott Lobdell?

Supergirl #36 Rating: This issue was terrific! Not one sign of Mike-hole! Maybe she dumped him since last issue! Maybe Jason Todd murdered him! Maybe Scout tore out his throat and defecated in his neck stump! Maybe he toppled over in his wheelchair out in the hall of his shitty New York apartment and was torn apart by rats! Maybe he slit his own throat because he knew he could never satisfy Supergirl the way I could satisfy her! I'm pretty sure I could satisfy a Kryptonian woman because she doesn't know what to expect from an Earth male! I'll be all, "Oh yeah! That totally turns on Earth girls when I come in my pants simply because you touched my thigh!"