Clock King! (as seen in Deathstroke Rebirth #1)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: William Tockman
Occupation: Former Clock Repairman, now Professional Criminal [Because apparently, hee hee hee, time isn't actually money! Hee hee hee.]
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: Beverly Tockman (sister, deceased [She ran out of time! Hee hee!]
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Star City
First Appearance: WORLD'S FINEST COMICS #111
Height: 5'10" Weight: 173 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Black

HISTORY
Told by a doctor he had only six months left to live, William Tockman became distraught, worrying about who would take care of his invalid sister after his death. Refusing to have his sister turned over to a state nursing home, yet having no insurance [Which is probably the main reason for not putting her in a nursing home. Although I guess in 1985, the state still operated a few of these generally horrible places.] or savings of his own, Tockman decided to turn to crime to provide money for his sister's future, reasoning that even if he was [Were!] caught, he'd never live long enough to serve any time. Since time was running out for him [And his sister! Although let me guess: he's accidentally responsible for her death! I hope that wasn't a spoiler!], Tockman was determined to make use of every second. Taking the clock, the symbol of time [Holy shit, that's deep!], as his own symbol [and face], Tockman used his expert knowledge of clocks to become the Clock King. [That revelation didn't even warrant an exclamation mark. Seems about right.]

The Clock King's series of time-related crimes quickly brought him to the attention of Star City's resident crimebusters, the Green Arrow and Speedy (see individual listings), and after a series of dangerous encounters, the Ace Archers [That's just...terrible.] finally defeated the Clock King [This makes it sound like it was difficult! You'd think one of the few things arrows wouldn't be outmatched by is a clock!] and turned him over to the authorities [As opposed to putting him in Arrow Jail? Or, you know, a grave?].

While in prison awaiting trial, Tockman suffered the ultimate irony when he learned that he wasn't dying after all [Why wasn't this in Alanis's song? "Thrown in jail for life and found you weren't gonna die! Wanted dessert but all they had was a pie!" I know that's not ironic but what the fuck else in that song is anyway?]; his doctor had accidentally switched Tockman's lab reports with those of another patient [So Tockman got the money he needed after all in the malpractice suit that followed, right? Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? Maybe? You know? A little bit?]. Since Tockman was no longer free to care for his invalid sister, she was placed in a state nursing home where she eventually succumbed to her illness. Tormented by his sister's death, Tockman swore to avenge himself on his incompetent doctor and the Green Arrow, and he has escaped from prison several times over the years in a vain attempt to carry out his threat.

At this writing the Clock King is serving a life term at a state penitentiary [Or, you know, dying in Africa. Whatever.].

POWERS & WEAPONS
An average athlete and hand-to-hand combatant, the Clock King prefers to use his devious mind to accomplish his goals, all based on his predilection for clocks and time. He has no special weapons or powers [or any interesting traits or any personality to speak of whatsoever.].

Harley Quinn #13

Harl E. Quiyote!

Boo! Hiss! Life!

Now that that's out of the way, comic books!

Remember how I ended my commentary on issue #12 by saying be here next issue when The Clock King gets his clock cleaned or The Sportsmaster courts disaster? That was pretty clever! I mean, the clock cleaned line is a gimme. But that "courts disaster" thing is the pizza of the resistance! If a publisher that wanted to purchase some books and they happened to read that line, they would have thought, "I should throw money at this person prompto!" So if any publishers missed it last time, there it was again! So clever! What a way with words that guy (me!) has!

Anyway, this issue begins with the Clock Queen about to get his clock kinged and the Courtsmaster sporting disaster! Gosh! So, so clever!

Shouldn't Sportsmaster be sticking to sports-related weapons? This seems like a cheat.

According to the rules and stipulations of comic book naming etiquette, Sportsmaster really should not be using a nuclear missile. Maybe if he placed a bomb in a badminton birdie or a jart or something, I'd totally be for it! I'd be all, "Oh yeah! Spike that birdie right into Power Girl's bosoms!" Or "Toss that jart way up into the air where it will most likely kill somebody exactly like it must have been designed to do because...hoo boy! Have you ever played that game? And lived to tell the tale somehow?!"

Can you believe kids today (and probably yesterday too!) have to wear helmets whenever they do anything that could possibly result in falling down. Even just standing up now, I think, like if you're in school or somewhere because who wants to get sued by a bunch of asshole parents who think their precious snowflake actually has something in its head that needs protection? But when I was growing up, parents actually purchased Jarts for us to play with. And not with adult supervision! Oh no. They shoved the box into our arms and said, "Get the hell out of my face! I don't want to see you back in this house before dinner is on the table!" And by "on the table," I mean in a McDonald's bag getting cold. Then we would go out to the school field across the street (or fifteen blocks away. Whatever! It was all the same, really!) and proceed to play with the Jarts in any way we could think of except the way the rules said we should play with them.

You know what one of my favorite games was as a wee lad? Kicking beer bottles at other beer bottles in the Redwood lined edges of the junior high school near my house. The mini-woods were full of bags of empty beer bottles left there by drunken teenagers. I probably caused dozens of severe lacerations over the years by littering the undergrowth with busted beer bottles. Not that they were really beer bottles! I mean, they were! But my cousin Jason and I pretended they were ships trying to sink each other by ramming into the other ship's broadside. That game was fun. But Jarts was probably more fun! Although throwing shurikens at each other as we stood against the garage door was fun too! Although nothing beat riding Big Wheels down the steep sides of Steven's Creek!

Helmets! Ha!

I wonder if not being able to remember names or come up with the exact words I'm looking for has anything to do with not having worn a helmet ever? Probably not!

The Clock King can time travel!? At least that's expected form a guy with that name! Take some notes, Sportsmaster!

So now a thermonuclear device has gone off in New York City! J. Jonah Jameson is going to be pissed if Peter Parker didn't snap a picture of it! I hope Superman doesn't find out that Power Girl was at Ground Zero or he might have to come lecture her about not taking the proper steps to stop the blast. He'll be all, "You sure remind me a lot of my irresponsible cousin! Did I mention she's a girl which is why I think she's so irresponsible? Hey, do you want to have sex with me? And if your answer is yes, which I think it might be or why would you be showing me so much bosom, right?, then could you wear this Batman mask?"

Thanks to Clock King's time travel tricks, he and Sportsmaster escape! Which leaves Power Girl and Harley Quinn plenty of free time to go back to their old life (which wasn't really Power Girl's old life but shh! Don't tell her because if we all stay really, really quiet and let Harley and Tony trick her, we might get to read about Power Girl and Harley Quinn having sexual relationships!).

Who ordered the Sex Omelet?! Hmm, probably everybody! Why would there even be anything else on the menu?

While Power Girl puts on her show which involves lots and lots of Spider Monkeys (which also reminds me I'm falling behind on my Friends watching!), Harley Quinn catches a news report on television that Clockmaster and Sports King are looting a sports store in Times Square.

Somehow Harley winds up in Central Park flirting with a mugger. She's all, "Look at my boobs!" And he's all, "Um, what?" And she's all, "Look at my butt!" And he's all, "Um, hokay!" And then he's defeated! After that little trip down tits and ass lane, Power Tits and Ass arrives hauling Sportsmaster and Clock King behind her! But they're not through putting up a fight yet! Sportsmaster still has some cheating tricks up his sleeve!

Although maybe that wrist blaster thing is regulation in Jai Alai?

After the case is wrapped up and Clock King wonders what happened to make him go from super serious character in Green Arrow to big joke in Harley Quinn, Power Girl asks Harley Quinn to fill in the gaps in her memory. Uh oh! That means Harley Quinn is going to have to make up a whole bunch of hysterical lies!

While Harley makes up her lies, a bird poops on Power Girl and she gets her memory back. Is anybody else beginning to think Amanda and Jimmy have some kind of Scheisse fetish? Is anybody else beginning to feel nauseated thinking about their honeymoon?!

But in the end, everything ends! And Chad Hardin says something nasty in French! About your mom!

Harley Quinn #13 Rating: +2 Ranking. Plus one for how much fun I've had adventuring with Harley and Power Girl. And plus one for the art because I really do adore Chad Hardin's style. I said as much when he first began working on Demon Knights! I hope Harley has lots and lots of guest stars! And I hope she even gets to do it to some of them!

Oh Christ, I think I'm going to hurl!

Harley Quinn #12

I'm conflicted! Lego characters are the least sexy characters of any characters ever. And yet, their hands are pre-shaped for giving handies!

Everybody knew a Harley Quinn book would sell like crazy no matter who was writing or drawing it. I'm surprised DC didn't give this series to Ann Nocenti. I would have loved that! Or maybe I would have hated it? It's hard to say. I think I'm just going through Ann Nocenti withdrawals since my comic book store forgot to put Klarion #2 in my pull box last month and I just realized I was missing it. Maybe they were just trying to keep me sane?

Last issue (not the smelly issue! The regular issue!), Harley Quinn and Power Girl had teamed up to defeat The Clock King and Sportsmaster. That doesn't sound like much of a challenge for Power Girl. One guy has a fascination with time pieces and the other commits crime wearing various pieces of sports equipment. They sound like the kind of criminals Adam West's Batman would have battled.

Should Clock King be so casual about referencing oral sex in a Teen Rated comic book? And why is Harley Quinn agreeing with him?!

Clock King has a teleportation device that sends Harley and Karen to another planet ruled by a massive Pug and his four-breasted humanoid queen. I didn't know teleportation came standard on wristwatches! Maybe I should look into wearing one again.

A human chained to a rock identifies Power Girl as a superhero of Earth. But before he can point out that Harley Quinn is a super villain, Harley Quinn blows him to bits with a gun she grabbed off one of the alien guards. Good thing she killed the guy before he could point out she is a killer!

Power Girl doesn't seem too fazed. I wonder how many more people Harley can kill before Power Girl gets upset?

The massive pug really is the four-breasted humanoid's husband. After he sits on Harley's face, King Pug decides to parlay with Power Girl and Harley Quinn instead of enslaving them. Partly because Harley killed his wife's lover but mostly because Power Girl is too powerful to be enslaved. Parlaying with the huge talking Pug reveals a way back home.

Earlier, the dog ate his wife. Power Girl, once again, doesn't seem fazed to be working with a murderer who engages in domestic violence.

Oh wait. Maybe I should have read the next page.

Although I can maintain the integrity of my narrative by believing that Harley is speaking the wife-eating bubbles.

Manos's realm is guarded by a huge sentient slice of pizza. Is that a parody of some Marvel character I don't know? The Cosmic Pepperoni? The Watcher's Dinner? Galactuslice? Maybe the pizza is Manos since it's underside does look like Thanos's chin.

The pizza isn't Manos because it's killed. Now somebody is going to have to explain to me why Manos was being guarded by a monstrous slice of space pizza.

Power Girl's plan was to talk Manos into letting them borrow the Teleportation Ring so they could get back home. But Manos destroys an entire planet while they watch which is just over Power Girl's line of acceptable behavior. Now she's going to have to kick his ass.

Or Harley will accidentally kill him.

Power Girl and Harley Quinn return to Earth roughly one second after they left. But then they get teleported back to another world and then return roughly one second after they left for that one. But since the comic book is only twenty pages, that adventure will have to be left to everybody's imagination. It was probably full of hot, steamy showers, lots and lots of orgies, cupcakes and doughnuts, and explicitly drawn oral sex between all manner of genders.

Anyway, be with us next time for "Clock King Gets His Clock Cleaned," or "Sportsmaster Courts Disaster."

Harley Quinn #12 Rating: Even though we're a full week into December, No Ratings November is still in effect. I've got about one more week left of November issues before my revamped rankings are ready to go. At that point, the rankings off to the side will shuffle around quite a bit to reflect some of the creative team changes in recent months. Harley will probably stay in relatively the same place. Unless she pisses me off with all of these extra issues she keeps starring in that cost way too much fucking money!