Supergirl #36

Is it a horrible font? I bet it's a horrible font!

Why am I still reading this comic book? It's obvious that Supergirl has moved on with her life and she's dating that scrotum-beard, Mike-hole. How could she do this to me? I gave her everything and she just goes on with her life as if I don't exist? Or as if she doesn't exist? Hopefully whatever the Menace of the Crucible is, it kills jerks in wheelchairs who go around stealing other people's girlfriends.

Since we last saw Supergirl kissing that fucking piece of shit, she's taken a job at a coffee house where she runs into all kinds of interesting people.

Or totally boring people that aren't interesting in any way at all! *wink wink*

Why is Supergirl working at a coffee house? She should rob a bank and be set for years! Just one measly little bank. Where's the harm in that? Even if she were caught, she could pretend she was mind-controlled by Queen Bee or Hector Hammond or Lex Luthor and she'd never be prosecuted. Lois Lane caused the deaths of thousands of people recently and apparently nobody gave a fuck because she was possessed by Brainiac! I don't know why these super heroes haven't thought of this themselves! "Ohhh shit...um, where am I? Oh fuck, how did I get all this money? Last thing I remember I answered this Craigslist ad from P. Pirate and then nothing! Whoa, I am so sorry! But, you know, wasn't my fault and all. See you later!"

If I were a super hero, I would charge people to touch my penis. That's not breaking any laws, is it? If I were an alien super hero, I'd just tell everybody I didn't know that was wrong on Earth because my people do it all the time! Then if people argued with my culture, I could call them insensitive bastards! And then ask them if they want to touch my penis for $20.

This just doesn't strike me as advice Clark would really give to Kara. He knows the benefit of being around regular people in a civilian identity. At most, I think maybe he'd lecture her to develop a secret identity. You know, maybe hit the Warby Parker homepage.

Kara's nails are totally adorable. Maybe I'm giving up on this relationship too easily! And look at that cute little bum as she heads back into work! Kara! Mike-hole isn't good enough for you!

Superman has been doubting himself because he thinks maybe the fears that he might turn on the world are well founded. If whatever is going on in Batman isn't a dream then I'd say he's right. Superman gets mind controlled and turns on the Earth. Superman contracts Doomsday Herpes and turns on the Earth. Superman gets shot up with Joker Toxin and turns on the Earth. How is he supposed to keep the world safe when he can't even keep his own mind safe? And the world definitely won't be safe from Supergirl unless she's finally learned that punching people in the face is an inappropriate way to greet strangers on Earth.

Kara still misses Siobhan. She hasn't talked to her since that time Kara got upset with her because she didn't care about Kara's vaginal kryptonite poisoning. Which Kara never actually told her about. While she's thinking about having lost her best friend for no reason at all, she's kidnapped by a bunch of aliens and inserted into The Crucible!

Actually, she's inserted into the entrance exams for The Crucible. She passes easily. Just as I knew she would! That's my girl! And by "girl" I mean "person I'd like to stare at naked and possible put my tongue in her various orifices." I don't know why I said that! That's what I always mean by girl!

This college sounds like a scam! Like Carrington College or the University of Phoenix or Oxford.

The "recruiters" are Maxima, Tsavo, and Comet. And apparently The Crucible is where Omniologist Shay Veritas trained. I don't think that's a great recommendation. After graduation, she had to use a cane and could only live in the center of the Earth! Unless those were just results of the after-graduation party.

And finally, a surprise guest on the final page! Thus the "finally!"

Idiot. You exist to be a living weapon! Your purpose is to destroy shit! In all your search, you never once read the first page of any Superboy comic book by Scott Lobdell?

Supergirl #36 Rating: This issue was terrific! Not one sign of Mike-hole! Maybe she dumped him since last issue! Maybe Jason Todd murdered him! Maybe Scout tore out his throat and defecated in his neck stump! Maybe he toppled over in his wheelchair out in the hall of his shitty New York apartment and was torn apart by rats! Maybe he slit his own throat because he knew he could never satisfy Supergirl the way I could satisfy her! I'm pretty sure I could satisfy a Kryptonian woman because she doesn't know what to expect from an Earth male! I'll be all, "Oh yeah! That totally turns on Earth girls when I come in my pants simply because you touched my thigh!"

Batman and Robin #36

Are there people who actively sought out these horrible Lego covers? Fuck Lego!

Last issue, Damian was still dead. He probably doesn't get to come back to life until DC Comics can ask $7.99 for Robin Rises #2. This issue, Batman, Cyborg, Batgirl, Red Robin, Red Hood, and Titus had all made their way to Apokolips to die. Or save Damian. Whichever happens first. Which will obviously be the dying one. Because they're on Apokolips! Maybe they'll survive because this will take place at the same time that the Earth-2 Invasion Force invades! Then all the Apokoliptians will be too distracted to deal with a bunch of kids and their dumb dog.

Oh my god! I bet Glorious Godfrey gets his mask torn off and he's actually Old Man McGrew, the real estate mogul!

The issue begins with Batman knocking out Godfrey and running off to find Damian while ignoring the Apokoliptian skin infection he's contracted. Cyborg and the Bat-Kids (Saturday morning cartoon anyone?) spend a few pages in a confusing battle against multiple Apokoliptian threats. I barely understand how one panel leads to another but I do know one thing.

Batgirl looks sexy in her Robin threads and on all fours atop a pile of skulls and rib cages!

Batman might be unstoppable on Apokolips in his Hellbat outfit but the Hellbat outfit itself is draining his life force and killing him. That's because it's too ridiculously powerful and needs a drawback or else every time a comic book fan reads a Batman story where he's not in the Hellbat suit, they'd ask, "Why isn't Batman in the Hellbat suit?" I suppose if he used the Hellbat suit to stop normal gang members in Gotham City, he'd accidentally kill most of them. But then maybe he'd respect and understand Superman's position a bit more! Superman could accidentally kill every person he ever meets if it weren't for his unlimited patience and self-control.

Hee hee. That was a joke about Superman having unlimited patience and self-control! In reality, he just punches everything until it's out of commission. Of course, he should be written with unlimited patience and self-control since nothing on Earth can kill him. But he enjoys punching people in the jaw too much.

Batman destroys every thing Kalibak's army can throw at him. Which is why Kalibak sends in the Godzilla tanks!

After this day, Batman will be the Apokoliptian bogeyman invoked to scare children into finishing killing the other children.

Cyborg and the Bat-Kids follow the trail and/or swathe of destruction right to the foot of the Hellbat suit. Batgirl's ass continues to look fantastic in those Robin pants. I think I have a BOOM Tube opening up in my pants.

A lot of truly unbelievable comic book stuff has happened so far in this Robin Rises series but I think this takes the cake. Weapons of Apokolips have stun settings?!

Batman, Cyborg, and the Bat-Kids destroy the Chaos Cannon and defeat Kalibak. But everything up until this point was foreplay. You know, terrifically fun for what its worth but mostly because you know its building to a great big orgasm. And that orgasm has finally arrived! You know I mean Darkseid, right?

Batman and Robin #36 Rating: I don't have a lot to say about the story in this. It's a lot of action and it's moving the plot forward to the ultimate confrontation between Batman and Darkseid. Batman needs to confront Darkseid for some reason. Maybe Batman needs the power of Darkseid's Omega Beams to kickstart Robin's resurrection process? I don't know. Whatever. The thing this comic book has shown me is that DC Comics needs a book starring all of the Bat-Kids. Forget all these books with Batman in the title, or the Bat-Kids teaming up with other heroes and Roy Harper. I want a book with Red Hood, Red Robin, Batgirl, and Damian all working together! Dick can stop by for the occasional story and to show Jason Todd where Barbara's heart and secret heart really lie. By secret heart, I mean vagina. That's a book I want to read! Not Secret Vagina Heart! The Bat-Kids!

Okay. Maybe Secret Vagina Heart too.

Wonder Woman #36

Holy shit. David Finch's art is worse than I remember it!

Hopefully I'm writing this late enough after its release that Meredith Finch has gotten past needing to Google her name to read all of the reviews and see how people are enjoying her work. Because I have a feeling that this is not going to be good and I really don't want to hurt her feelings. And if this isn't good, I'm about to say some really mean and nasty things.

You would think that by recognizing the flaws and faults in my own nature that it would make it easier to correct them. But for some reason, instead of making myself a better person, I love to root and wallow in my worst aspects! I love to get that biting nastiness way up in every crack and cover myself in pure venom and hate! It's so refreshing! I love to shove my face deep in a trough freshly filled with garbage and swill, guzzling it down until I'm too bloated to move. And look! Look! My trough is about to be overflowing with the Finch's Wonder Woman! I'm drooling!

The issue begins with Wonder Woman Narration Boxing. You all know what that is, right? Instead of an omniscient narrator setting the scene or instead of a thought bubble coming out of Wonder Woman's head which give us an insight into what she's thinking at the exact moment the panel occurs, we get a mishmash of the two which very rarely make any sense in the medium of comic books. Since we, the reader, are looking at particular panels representing time passing, the modern Narration Boxing reads as if the hero were standing next to you explaining what you're currently watching. The comic book has become a nature show and the hero, Richard Attenborough. It's usually used as a crutch by writers that don't quite feel comfortable letting the art of the comic book carry the load, or by writers with aspirations to write the next Great American Novel. Funny enough, Brian Azzarello employed them maybe—let's see...counting on my fingers...carry the pinky—zero times?

What does the sudden insertion of Narration Boxing into a comic book that has done without them for three years suddenly mean? Well, for one, it's going to allow people who were confused by trying to understand Wonder Woman's motives through her actions and her interactions with her friends and enemies to finally be able to get inside Wonder Woman's head where things will be clearly stated. No more ambiguity! Wonder Woman is going to tell us exactly what she's thinking and why she's doing the things she's doing! Whew! That's a great weight off of my brain because I fucking hate coming to my own conclusions using clues from the artist and the scant, pun-filled dialogue! But then, Meredith might be taking into account that her husband is nowhere near as good an artist as Cliff Chiang, so his pictures might need some Narration Boxing help if the reader is going to understand what's happening.

The first four pages contain Wonder Woman's thoughtful screed on water. It's both good and bad (the water! Not the screed! Well, maybe the screed as well!)! It's life giving and life taking! People drink it and drown in it! It's such a conundrum!

Don't they have fucking washcloths on Paradise Island?! I bet Diana's soap is usually covered in ass pubes!

I bet David kept bugging Meredith all month as she wrote, "Are you writing a shower scene? Is there a shower scene yet? Don't forget the shower scene!" And Meredith was probably all, "Put your dick away, asshole! I'm working here!" And Dave was probably, "So am I! I do my best drawing of teenaged looking girls with my dick in my hand!" And Meredith was all, "Who the fuck did I marry?!" And Dave was all, "Why did you have to age, you hag!" And Meredith was all, "I'm going to my mother's!" And Dave was all, "Your mother is a whore!" And Meredith was all, "You're lucky we don't own a shotgun, you pig!"

I wonder if I can break up their marriage just by the power of my commentaries!

But then the thoughts on water turn into maybe thoughts on something else when Diana looks at a drawing of her with herself (or something?)! Maybe she wasn't talking about water at all! Maybe she was talking about the person in the drawing that looked like a younger (or older?) version of herself in the picture! Somebody Wonder Woman took for granted! Somebody essential to Wonder Woman's well-being! Somebody that could wash away her sorrows in a super sexy sponge bath scene that David probably fought for! Unless that picture was Diana and Hippolyta! Then I'm suddenly kind of disgusted by the thought of the sexy sponge bath. No wait. Sorry, not disgusted. I meant intrigued!

Cyborg Skypes Diana to check her out in her shower towel while pretending there's an emergency somewhere. Unless there really is an emergency at that place that the reader was watching flood while Wonder Woman thought about water. Some bad guys broke a dam and flooded a village. Now Wonder Woman is needed to go hug the survivors and make them feel better.

And the answer to my question, "How long before the next creative team rewrites the thing about men and women living together on Paradise Island from Azzarello's run?", is six pages!

"Wonder Woman is a feminist icon! You can't have a comic book starring a feminist icon be simply about that feminist icon living her life the way she wants to live it and caring about her friends and trying to keep her family from destroying all mankind and teaching people about kindness and caring and love? That isn't feminism! You need conflict between men and women, dammit!" Narration Boxed Meredith Finch as she read Azzarello's run to research Wonder Woman. Maybe she also watched old episodes of the Challenge of the Superfriends. While she watched those, she thought, "Aha! I see! The women fight other women and the men fight other men! Except those two that grow huge. I guess it's okay for Native Americans to punch women in the face because they're close to nature or something."

Wait a second! Clyemne said men stink?! I'm offended! And a little bit stinky. Jesus Christ. How many days in a row have I been wearing this shirt?!

She's talking about feeling horny all the time with all that loose, swinging dick all over the island.

Who is this old crone? The Fox News of Paradise Island?!

Okay, here's the part of the commentary that comes hard to me. We're only seven pages into the first issue by Meredith Finch, so this opinion could change at any time (and it will change quickly as soon as I see an opening! You know it's true! A lot of you have seen me work my magic on Lobdell and DeFalco!) but Meredith's control of this scene and her dialogue, fitting each character so that we know exactly where they stand (maybe a bit one-dimensionally but concerning the topic, I think that's completely fine), seems to show she has some talent at this writing thing. I couldn't assume she got the job because she was a decent writer since DC has also hired Ann Nocenti and Howard Mackie! This scene was entirely too expected after Azzarello left the title with men still all over the island. The dialogue was written well, whether or not anybody agrees with it, seeing as how the old woman is a fear-monger.

And then the Justice League meet for the first time inside the pages of Wonder Woman!

I like how Aquaman has slipped his arm around Superman's waist.

Now is the time where I show off why I call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Take another look at that picture I just scanned in. Look it over. Now read what I wrote during last issue's commentary about the future art of Wonder Woman:

David Finch is only capable of drawing women (and usually drawing them looking fifteen years younger than they really are) and is not capable of drawing men that aren’t in shadowy corners of the room and who don’t have fish lips.

Thank you! Thank you! No need for applause. You are simply sitting in front of a mute computer screen, after all. Although if we ever meet in real life, I'll expect a standing ovation.

On the other half of the Justice League Watchtower Double Splash Page, The Flash makes a comment about how Luthor stinks. I'm not a psychologist or a detective or anything, but I'm starting to believe that Meredith Finch lives with a smelly man.

Cyborg and Batman show the team satellite pictures of the villages wiped out earlier in the comic book. Remember how we saw them wiped out by water as Wonder Woman thought about water? Remember that? How water did this to the villages? Water!

OH MY FUCKING GOD! YOU ARE SO USELESS!

Also on the Case of the Villages Destroyed By Something Other Than Global Capitalism, The Swamp Thing! I'm not sure why he cares though since vegetation was all that survived. Who cares about dead humans? That's Buddy Baker's area of expertise! Humans, I mean. Not dead humans. That's Abby Arcane's area of expertise!

As everybody who reads at least one comic book a month that isn't Futures End knows, Wonder Woman appears on the scene to kick Swamp Thing in the face. But what wasn't in the Channel 52 advert was what Wonder Woman says as she kicks him in the face. Because if it had been printed, I think most of you would have skipped this book.

Whut?

Poor Swamp Thing. He's just a peaceful pile of mulch trying to live the best way he knows how but it's always just a little more than the super heroes will allow. Didn't Aquaman tell the rest of the Justice League how badly he got his ass handed to him by The Swamp Thing? In Aquaman's own book even! I'm sure that was just another failure that he neglected to mention. Now Wonder Woman will get to learn that you can't kick the Earth's ass without kicking your own ass at the same time! I think. Something like that. And even though Diana is also the God of War, I still wouldn't bet on her against The Swamp Thing.

Holy shit! Calm down! Somebody's still a little bit pissed about the alien vagina flower her boyfriend foisted on her.

Wonder Woman winds up tied up in roots as Aquaman stumbles onto the scene and pisses himself with laughter. Swamp Thing lets them know he'll share anything he finds about what happened before shambling off. You know, I don't blame Aquaman at all for this misunderstanding. I blame Superman. He's the closest thing Swamp Thing has to a friend on the Justice League and he hasn't briefed the rest of the crew on him? He hasn't told his girlfriend about the wonderful, gentle, lost man named Alec Holland? Maybe Superman is ashamed to be friends with a monster?

On the ride home, Aquaman asks Wonder Woman why she's suddenly so anti-hugs. Forget that. I want to know why the Justice League allows Aquaman to fly a space ship?

Is this the newest model of Lex-Wayne airbus? You'd think they'd have a method of travel that spews less pollutants. Like flying fish! Or just having Wonder Woman carry Aquaman.

Wonder Woman and Aquaman have a heart-to-heart discussion about responsibilities and letting people down. Aquaman, who just let Mera and Atlantis and all of the readers of DC Comic books everywhere down by teaming up with The Others, gives her this advice: "Just make sure the person you let down isn't you." Normally that's good advice but only when it's me not letting me down. When the advice leads Aquaman to star in the most boring comic book I've ever read, I think it's horrible advice. He should not be letting Mera and Atlantis down even if what he really wants is to bang the fuck out of Ya'wara.

Since Wonder Woman and Aquaman (or Swamp Thing even!) aren't the world's greatest detectives, they give up pretty quickly on figuring out what destroyed the villages. Plus Aquaman said it's okay to let down the people expecting this mystery to be solved! So Wonder Woman, not wanting to let herself down, heads back to Paradise Island to make sure the boys and girls are getting along. Once there, she discovers another mystery: The Case of the Destroyed Clay Mother Statue! See?! Wonder Woman wasn't talking about water at all! She was talking about her mom! Unless she was talking about the water which eroded and destroyed her mom statue. Look, I'm not the world's greatest detective either, okay?!

Wonder Woman #36 Rating: Not even close to as bad as I was expecting it to be! Whether or not you have any problems with the characterization, I think you have to admit that the writing and dialogue is competently handled. Except maybe the vegetative injustice scene. And after the first few pages, the book didn't rely on Narration Boxing at all.

This version of Wonder Woman is much closer to the Justice League version of Wonder Woman than the Azzarello version of Wonder Woman. And even though it's the Justice League version of Wonder Woman that everybody hates when they talk about how wrong the New 52 version of Wonder Woman is, lots of people seem to hate Azzarello's version of Wonder Woman simply because of the story about the Amazons raping and killing sailors. So anti-feminist to criticize the Amazons for living the way they want to live! Also, I heard the sailors were asking for it. You should have seen what they were wearing!

World's End #7

Val-el is getting violent! Earth-2 (and Power Girl! *wink wink*) are rubbing off on him!

Tonight I went to go see Guardians of the Galaxy. It was lots of fun and really well done and made me cry a lot. I wept all the way back to the car. Not for any particularly moving moment in the movie. You see, my cat of fifteen years, Judas, died last month. One of the things I used to call him was Raccoon Boy because his back legs were longer than his front legs and he looked like a raccoon whenever he waddled about the yard. So every time there was a moment when Rocket was sad, it made me sad. And I just about died forever when Drax pet Rocket's head to comfort him. Stupid fucking movie.

I wish World's End would make me feel just a fraction of what Guardians of the Galaxy made me feel. I need some help connecting with these characters! Maybe spend a little more time fleshing out the characters so I might find some kind of emotional bond with one of them. That's probably a huge task to ask of Daniel H. Wilson and Marguerite Bennett since I'm practically a fucking robot and hardly ever connect on an emotional level with anything that isn't an animal. I just don't care about any of these characters! I don't care about Replacement Batman, the deadbeat grandfather hooked on Earth-2 Viagra. I don't care about The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick, the college dropout that was chosen by the gods because...well, I don't know why. Because he had a job as a pizza delivery driver and he always delivered the pies piping hot? I don't care about Queen Lantern, the guy who had a job in television or something and now is the guardian of the Earth or something? I don't care about Hawkcop because she's a fucking cop. I don't care about Doctor Cocoa Puffs, the misunderstood ancient Egyptian God that only cares about his next host. I don't care about Aquawoman because she reminds me of Aquaman. I don't care about Tornado Lane, the journalist turned whirlwind. I kind of care about Power Girl and The Huntress because they were having excellent adventures in friendship in their own title before they were unceremoniously imprisoned in this book.

It's possible I don't care about anybody and the problem isn't just with the characterizations in this comic book!

No she didn't! She outran them to Amazonia!

The Furies decide to go after Earth's "Avatars and its Parliament." Do all planets have parliaments and avatars? Do all planets also have baseball and pornography? I'm glad that they know the course to take so I don't have to read any pages where they stand around deciding the best way to destroy Earth. They're experienced Apocalyptic Horsewomen. No dilly-dallying for these four! Er, three!

I hope they can't find Famine simply because Famine is on Amazonia which is hidden from the world. Otherwise Famine was defeated either between comic books or I simply forgot what happened last issue. I won't be happy with either of those things being what happened.

Meanwhile in the pits of Geneva, the clones of Superman escape. It's all terribly exciting and will probably lead to the end of the world seeing as how one Superman clone (Brutaal aka Bizarro) nearly killed everybody. No way they can defeat this menace. Nope. Not going to happen. They're up against at least fifteen Supermen against an old guy with no more Viagra, a pacifist, a journalist, and Power Girl. I guess if the clones are all about 1/16 the power of the original Superman, Karen mght have a chance. But she won't be able to defeat them before The Huntress is tortured into joining Desaad so she can face off against her best friend. That'll be a terribly exciting cover, won't it?!

Why does being a surgeon help with pulling a huge metal stint out of a clone's head? I guess if you want the clone to live but I don't think that's an issue here.

Val-el is fighting so either the writers forgot he was a pacifist or punching a clone is pretty much just like kicking a refrigerator. Except with less good stuff to eat inside of it when it happens to fall open.

Replacement Batman defeats all of the Superman clones with an electromagnetic pulse. So that was anti-climactic! After staking this issue's reputation on a "Reign of the Supermen" next month tag last month, and a cover that shows a huge brawl, all we get is Replacement Batman shorting their fuses? Whatever. Maybe something exciting is happening in China.

Don't forget he also lacks a penis, Solomon Grumpy!

I like Solomon Grumpy! Laughter is good for the soul! Sam and Alan are uptight jerks. Come on! See the humor in it! Alan and Sam were both going to ask the other to marry them but then they both died in a horrendous train wreck! But then neither of them actually did die and were chosen to protect the Earth in forms that can't engage in coi...wait a second. They can probably still fuck around. Sam is master of the wind and Alan is master of organic matter! I see some pretty magnificent blow jobs and ass play in the future.

According to Sam, there will be no fucking for either of them. Instead, they must seek out the Avatar of the Blue. I hope it's Dolphin.

Back in Amazonia, Doctor Cocoa Puffs' helmet fucks Jimmy's mother box. That's not a figurative statement. This results in Jimmy Olsen becoming a god. I only know this because the Robot Doctor on hand explains it to everybody watching. How he knows what a helmet and a box look like when fucking and what the result must surely be, I have no idea. He's a robot! He just knows stuff!

Constantine will soon have an army of whackjobs.

And finally Apokolips BOOM Tubes onto the moon. Except it's much bigger than the moon so it kind of crushes it and knocks it out of its way. I'm sure Earth will be fine with the loss of one large astronomical body in near orbit since it's being replaced by another. Maybe they're of equal density, right?

World's End #7 Rating: Can we just destroy Earth-2 already? Or better yet, kill a bunch of characters so that there aren't so many story arcs happening each week! One page of characters noting their situation and then noting how it changed doesn't tell me much about the character themselves. Maybe if some of the characters were suddenly transformed into kittens, I might care about them. You can have that plot twist for free, Daniel H. Wilson!

Batman Eternal #33

Does anybody else think it's time we start investigating these district attorneys who don't fight to put police on trial when they've killed an unarmed person in the "line of duty"? Perhaps we should also look into Grand Jury tampering while we're at it because I find it hard believe that nobody on any jury seems to ever think any of these police officers shouldn't at least be tried before a real jury in a real court looking at the real evidence. It seems strange to me that we keep getting people in Grand Juries who don't mind having state sanctioned murderers roaming the streets without any kind of oversight whatsoever. Where is the Super Nanny version of a District Attorney to come along and point out that if you consistently teach children (you know, police officers) that punishment is inconsistent (you know, nonexistent), they will continue to misbehave (you know, murder)?

I wonder if I can start a t-shirt line with images of police officers who have murdered civilians with the word "MURDERER" plastered across them? Is that something legal I can do? Maybe sell them at protests? Of course, the money wouldn't go to help anybody. This is a for profit business idea, jerks! What do I look like? An agent of social change?

Speaking of corrupt cops (is that redundant? I don't mind calling all cops corrupt. Until those fabled good cops begin stepping up and pointing out the corrupt cops and the problems created by an insular group who think they're paid to shepherd the populace, fuck them all), the Gotham Police are still looking to arrest Batman because they're not just corrupt, they're also idiots! Forget the real crooks! Let's go after the guy that catches all the criminals and keeps the city safe and makes us look awful at our jobs. Oh! That's probably why they want to stop him! I guess they think catching Batman is easier than doing better at their jobs. That's another reason why they're idiots because it's not! It would be much easier to just be better police.

Looks like Jason Bard is on the verge of turning into one of those good cops!

Batman and Penny-Two now have to run about Gotham destroying all of Batman's weapon caches because they're full of Semtex and grenades which Hush is running about Gotham blowing up. After each explosion, Batarangs are all over the place so it's obviously Batman's doing. Because Batman is known for leaving evidence of his involvement in crimes and/or investigations all over the place.

While Batman and Julia try to destroy one of seventeen caches, the Gotham Police Anti-Batman Enforcer attacks. He's just a guy in a nutty suit that's about to get his ass kicked by The Batman. The fight might go a few more pages than you would think would be needed by an untrained guy in a bulky suit battling The Batman. But that's because Snyder and his team have to come up with a new stories every week. EVERY WEEK! So you can expect a few padded fight scenes thrown in. Fight scenes are to comics what double spacing and larger fonts are to college papers.

Julia and Batman dispatch the Gotham Police (in a kind and loving way, of course!) and then engage the Acid Protocol. That's where Batman destroys the weapons cache by dousing it in hydrochloric acid. Which means that when Hush explodes these caches, hydrochloric acid is blown all over the place! Batman's hidden weapon caches might the deadliest threat to Gotham City's safety! What was he thinking? By the way, that's exactly what Julia Pennyworth asks him: "What the fuck were you thinking, you right cunt?" She's British!

While she and Batman split up to take out the weapon caches, Alfred monitors their movements. And while he's blah blah blahing to Bruce about his daughter's safety, he's not monitoring his daughter's location! Otherwise he would have noticed that Hush has moved in to confront her!

I think she can kick his ass. She's S.A.S! I know they're badass because they defeated Hitman! Or nearly did. Or something. I forget! I'd better go back and reread my Hitman comic books soon.

Batman Eternal #33 Rating: Another weekly that really focused on one thread of the story. Although I like that trend, this was kind of a boring thread. Batman and Julia disarming locks and spraying weapons with acid? Now I'm wishing the fight scene had actually gone longer than it did!

Futures End #29

Jason Rusch looks totally disgusted with having to merge with a female!

Now I don't know which ex-Firestorm lad is going to merge with Madison Payne! The "Next Time in Futures End" pictures from last issue made it look like Ronnie was terrified of merging with a girl. But now it looks like Jason! Unless it will wind up being Tim Drake! Is that why Tim Drake doesn't exist in the future? Has he become the disembodied head that speaks to Firestorm first popularized by Martin Stein? Then Ronnie and Jason will realize that they can never merge as Firestorm again and they'll have to use the old fashioned butt merging system instead.

On the way to rescue Madison, Tim Drake lets Ronnie Raymond know that they've met before when Firestorm thumbed his nose at an invite to the Teen Titans. Of course he did! Why would Firestorm join the Titans, a rinky-dink organization full of high school drama and constant backbiting, when he could join the Justice League, a big league operation full of high school drama and constant backbiting? Why join the team with the Wanna-be Batman when you can join the team with Real Deal Batman?! Oh wait! I know why! Because joining the Titans gives you more opportunities to get laid!

Jason Rusch makes it to Doctor Yamazake's lab first. He sees Madison in the teleportation tube and yells, "Stop! You can't do this to Ronnie Raymond's beard!" And Madison is all, "Whut? Beard? Fuck. Of course he's gay! Just get it over with and Brundlefly me already." And Doctor Yamazake is all, "I CANNOT BE STOPPED!" or maybe "I'M KING OF THE WORLD!" or possibly "SUCK MY DICK, MOTHERFUCKERS!" Whichever one would sound catchier at the end of a movie trailer.

Oh yeah! Firestorm is going to turn into a three-way! Although that might be a bit awkward for Madison. She'll spend most of her time going, "Um. Hello. Vagina being ignored over here!"

Madison learns that Jason Rusch is Firestorm and she begins to realize that when people keep secrets, it isn't all about her feelings. Or anything about her feelings at all, for that matter. No wait, she doesn't realize that at all. She still thinks that everybody owes her the complete and utter truth about themselves no matter how much they want to leave their past behind them, or how much they're trying to protect the people they're close to, or for whatever fucking reason they have for keeping a secret from her that has nothing to fucking do with her! Now I want Doctor Yamazake to Brundlefly her ass already!

By the power of Gayskull!

It kind of sucks that Firestorm is getting rejiggered here in Futures End (although, how much of this story will become canon anyway? I have a feeling that Madison Payne will become the future Firestorm but how does DC bring that about when this whole Futures End story arc never winds up actually happening? Oh, they'll figure it out in some spectacularly boring and undramatic way, I'm sure!) because I was hoping that Jason and Ronnie would eventually come to terms with their homosexuality and their incredible love and passion for each other. Up until now, Ronnie has been extremely resistant to his true passions because he was raised in the culture of high school football as the star quarterback who was supposed to bang as many cheerleaders as possible. I guess the best we were going to get with Firestorm and a happy ending between Jason and Ronnie took place in The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men #0 where they were married.

No, seriously. Go get your hands on a copy of that issue. They get married. I don't know how that wasn't a huge deal! Was I the only one that wept at their vows?

I know I lie about shit all the time but I'm not lying about the marriage! It happened! It wasn't a hallucination or a wet dream!

I think Ronnie was going to say "...to fuck" but Firestorm should work too. You know, being a symbol of them fucking.

Great! Now Madison is going to be hurt even more! Ronnie and Jason were both lying to her about being Firestorm and about their sexuality?! Don't they know that by not telling her it hurts her feelings? Jerks.

Goddammit! This actually made me tear up. If you haven't read The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men as a story about two gay youths coming to terms with their sexuality and their love for each other, you might not experience the same emotional impact here.

The teleportation sequence finishes and a huge explosion occurs, Brundleflying everybody in the room. Maybe. I don't know. A Firestorm with boobs flies out of the chaos though! Just like on the cover! So thanks again, cover, for spoiling everything! Hopefully this new version of Firestorm is Madison Payne (well, duh! Obviously since nobody else in the explosion had breasts) with Ronnie and Jason both inside the Slash Fiction Matrix in her mind. She screams "Oh, my Gawwwddddd!" when created and maybe that's less about the feeling of flying and the incredible power surging through her body and more about Jason and Ronnie fucking the fuck out of each other in her brain.

So many sads. ROOOOONNNNNNNNIIIIIEEEEE!

Poor Ronnie. He'll never eat another home cooked dinner of dog's dick with his mom again. Granted, his mom has been dead since the Earth-2 War but I wanted to mention that time he once ate a dog's dick with her. I'm not lying! Pick up The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men #1 and look at the dog's dick he's eating on the page where he's eating a dog's dick! Totally not lying. Maybe I'm poorly interpreting what I'm seeing! But I'm not lying!

Tim enters the ruins of the lab where he finds Ronnie's Brundleflied body. Ronnie dies in Tim's arms having never told Jason Rusch how he truly felt.

Futures End #29 Rating: I can't believe this comic book went one full issue concentrating on one single story! Holy shit! Revolutionary! I don't have plot whiplash today! I also thought it was a good origin story for the new Firestorm. Like I said, I've got a feeling Madison and Jason will be the Firestorm of DC's future no matter how this Futures End comic book gets wedged into DC Continuity. I'll be sad not to have the Ronnie/Jason relationship anymore though. But now Madison can go around lying to people and feeling justified about it and realizing she was a total dick for trying to demand that everybody be completely honest with her no matter what the cost to the other person. How dare people keep secrets!

New Suicide Squad #4

Look at Black Manta. So useless on this team. What was he thinking?!

I was thinking about starting a restaurant review magazine called "The Cook's Mother."

Or maybe I should open a hotel chain called "No Vacancy."

Unless I get my band back together: Closed For Renovations.

How about a tropical fish store called "Flush With Success"? No? Am I reaching now?

Anyway, remember how the Suicide Squad was in Russia doing some mission that didn't make any sense with a roster that was completely idiotic and two bosses that have been micromanaging them the whole time with contradictory instructions? I don't know how they're not all dead yet! Those Russians are horrible at stuff. They couldn't even nuke me while I was growing up! Failures!

I do!

I love when the comic book does all the work for me!

The only part of the job Victor Sage wanted was the part where he pushes a button and blows off the heads of villains that won't do everything he says. But that fat bitch Amanda Waller is hogging all the head blowing up fun! Sorry. I was in Vic Sage's head when I said that last line. What I meant was "that well-proportioned ambitious woman that gets shit done." And she gets shit done so well that she doesn't hardly ever have to blow people's heads off! I think Vic Sage is also a little bit pissed about that as well. What good is a Suicide Squad that makes it to Issue #4 without a single death? Ridiculous! It should be called Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad!

Deathstroke is currently torturing Deadshot for some reason. It can't be for information because Deadshot has all of the same information that Deathstroke has. So it must just be for fun. Even with two broken legs, cracked ribs, and a bunch of internal injuries, Deadshot is able to speak coherently and make fun of Deathstroke's handicap multiple times. I would question why Deadshot is mouthing off to one of the most dangerous people on Earth but I know that Deadshot has a death wish so I don't need to ask that question.

See? Just for fun. Also, oh ho! The Suicide Squad has a big secret! It can't be that they're all idiots because that's readily apparent to anybody paying any attention. I hope they're secretly magical elves that cook delicious cookies.

Black Manta and Harley Quinn break into the facility where Deadshot is being held because that's probably the entire plan. Why would Deathstroke turn on the Squad when he's already assured a huge paycheck from the United States Government? He's probably not going to go on any other missions after this anyway since he has his own hit book that will have readers everywhere scratching their heads in consternation when they realize they're not sure what's going on because Tony S. Daniel can't choreograph his own stories. Partly because his books are half splash pages and you can't tell a whole lot of story in a two page spread of Deathstroke leaping through the air with some random city's moonlit skyline behind him.

Harley has to rely on her skinny feet and tiny fists to take out the guards while Black Manta shoots them in the face with a gun. I guess it's funnier to kick and punch people into unconsciousness rather than to end their existence entirely. Although I don't think she learned that from The Joker.

Eventually Harley scavenges some guns from the unconscious guards and begins shooting people in the face as well. But first she distracts them with her vagina.

I was always taught to shoot people in the face with my legs crossed at the ankles.

Outgunned and outnumbered about fifty to two, Harley and Black Manta barely even break a sweat. Was that action scene enough to justify the cost of the comic book? I don't think it was but that's why I'm asking others. I usually like a little bit of plot and characterization to go along with my guns and vaginas.

Oh, I apologize! There is some characterization in the last panel of the battle: Black Manta shoots a harpoon out of his wrist! Oh, that Black Manta! What a silly bear!

Harley and Manta wade through dozens of corpses before they find where Deadshot is being held prisoner. And that's when another fight scene takes place: Black Manta versus Deathstroke. Is that really a fight though? Deathstroke has honed his skills battling the best assassins on Earth. He's jacked up with super powers and healing factors and godlike powers of agility and speed! And Black Manta? He's battled Aquaman a few times. And lost. So, you know, really. How is this a fight?

Deathstroke apparently lost his shins in the war.

Harley and Floyd have to come to Manta's rescue because of those things I pointed out before the picture (mostly the lost to Aquaman thing). Floyd shoots Deathstroke in the chest and Deathstroke falls over and hits his head and loses.

Hmm. After that outcome, I have a new theory! Deathstroke isn't actually Slade Wilson! He's just some guy dressed up like Slade Wilson trying to earn some extra cash. Compare what Deathstroke went through here where he barely hits his head and is out, and what he went through in New Deathstroke #1 where his brains were leaking out all over the place and he still walked fifty blocks to find a shaman to make him young again. Totally not the same guy!

Waller and Sage deal with their power struggle and Amanda wins. No surprise to anybody there. Amanda Waller is a fierce woman and the only person able to earn the respect of most of her team members even without the exploding collars. Sure, she never quite tamed Captain Boomerang although after that Lao thing they pulled on him, he straightened up pretty quick. Of course, he did have the pleasure of hitting Waller in the face with a pie. Such a genius!

That whole "Mystery Pie Thrower" subplot might have been one of the best Suicide Squad subplots ever!

I probably shouldn't be discussing Preboot history. It makes the kids restless and angsty.

See? I knew what I was doing when I called Amanda a bitch while channeling Vic earlier. Not that it's a surprise to anybody that he was thinking it. Everybody thinks it around Waller because they're all so fucking terrified of her.

The issue ends with some Russian getting an offer to be turned into the Sixty Million Rubles Man by a company named MARS Systems. As hooks go, it's not very well baited and kind of rusty and obviously being trolled by an amateur. Every fish continue to go about your business. Nothing exciting happening here.

New Suicide Squad #4 Ranking: I'm glad this first story arc is finished. As Waller said, it was complete chaos. The team was awful. Vic Sage added nothing to the group's dynamic. No real mission was accomplished. Or was it?! Deadshot pointed out the Squad was really something other than it seems to be! And guess what? We, the readers, don't get to fucking know about it yet! Fuck you, Sean Ryan. Nobody is going to be around to find out what your big twist is when you're dropping boring fucking hints like that. These first four issues show a writer that didn't plan shit and then dropped a few bombshell "revelations" (revelations in quotes because they're simply comic book revelations which are unformed plot points that can be used later once the writer figures out how to develop them) to make it feel like something happened. Maybe. I think he just picked the team and thought, "Joker's Daughter interacting with Harley Quinn? Deadshot and Deathstroke together? This story will write itself!" And then the stupid story didn't write itself at all. Anyway, let's forget this bullshit team, put a real team together that fits a real mission, set Sage to making copies, and come up with some exciting and interesting shit to read.