Green Arrow #36

Does Green Arrow always have to be in the act of shooting an arrow on the cover? I get it! He's an archer!

The last issue ended with Felicity Smoak telling Green Arrow that she had been hired to kill him. We know from the television show that she's the best hacker in the entire universe and would never be caught hacking into whatever she's hacking into. So as soon as Diggle says he's found traces of a hacker, we (the readers! Not the Royal 'We'!) know it's all a setup. Felicity obviously just wanted to meet Green Arrow and get his cock all up in her. That's sexy romance literature language for making love. The only other option is that Felicity is a huge badass mercenary death monster and she's about to kill Oliver Queen!

This issue begins with Mia Deardon pickpocketing people on the streets of Seattle. She's the person some person named Mr. King is trying to hunt down. So I guess she's important somehow. Maybe she has diamonds in her stomach. Her friend Trevor calls her "Speedy" so we know where this is going! Right? Maybe you should tell me.

Anyway, Mia's pursued by some business suited thugs but is saved when some guy who knows her mother murders them all. It's practically a coming of age story by Charles Dickens or maybe Edgar Allen Poe.

Oh look! It really is Felicity! Because Oliver points out she talks a lot! Just like on the television show!

Felicity casually mentions that she knows Green Arrow's secret identity because Kreisberg has to get her onto the team as quickly as possible! We've already watched how she joined the team on the television show and we don't want to rehash all of that! Especially since it took so long. And hopefully Kreisberg will avoid the huge mistake he and his writers made on the television show by making Felicity a love interest of Oliver's. Jesus Christ, television writers. Does Oliver need to have a relationship with every woman on the show that he isn't related to? And that might not even be a limit! I bet Thea puts the moves on him at some point since she's only half related to him!

Felicity tells Oliver that only she and some street girl can help Ollie catch whoever hired her to kill him. And that's that! She's on the team! And I don't mind that they trust her so easily since who wants to read three months worth of comic book stories where they dance around that fact that she's inevitably going to be on the team anyway? I'm sure Diggle or Ollie will eventually whisper to the other one, "Are you sure we can trust her?" And the other will say, "What choice do we have?" And that will be the end of that!

Meanwhile the man that wants Ollie dead is playing John Lithgow's character from Dexter.

Mixed with a little bit of the "Brother" Blood character from the television show. I guess Oliver always has to battle other people that have a vision to save the city. But in the wrong way!

Mister King mentions Bethany Snow and Channel 52 News, so I guess that puts Ambush Bug in current continuity! Ha ha! In your face, DC Comics! Now I know he's out there somewhere!

Mister King tells his henchmen to hire some guy that will be able to kill Ollie and Mia and the guy she was saved by, Mack Morgan. Who will the assassin be?! I doubt Deathstroke will be headed over to this comic book for this job. Maybe it'll be that guy Stillborn that tried to kill Deathstroke when Rob Liefeld was "writing" that series.

See? Talks like she's from Sunnydale! Oh, I, um, mentioned that last commentary, didn't I?

Judging by the arrow, the killer must be Merlyn. Notice how nobody is shocked that this guy was assassinated by an arrow? The whole archer schtick is way overdone in Starling City Seattle.

With Felcity's help, Diggle and Green Arrow track down Mia and rescue her from King's men. But just when they think they're going to get away and gather up the evidence to convict King of whatever horrible things he's been up to, King's assassin arrives so that they have to have another think.

Merlyn's face is probably messed up from that time the oil rig exploderated all over Ollie's wild oil rig party.

Green Arrow #36 Rating: No change. I guess Merlyn wound up on an island adjacent to the island that Oliver washed up on where he learned how to use a bow and arrow but just a little bit better than Oliver did. I don't think Seattle should be full of archers. Its heroes should be fire dancers and Burning Man refugees.

Green Arrow #35

Are Naomi and Henry losing their jobs to Felicty now?

This looks like a really exciting comic book that somebody slapped a Green Arrow sticker on the cover of. I want to see Batman and Lex Luthor battle while Felicity figures out how to shut down Flood Control Dam #3.

While watching the television show that believed Green Arrow would be ridiculous if he was known by anything other than just "Arrow," I noticed that one of the ARGUS agents that was trying to leave ARGUS was named Mark Shaw. My first thought was, "Isn't that Manhunter?" So later I looked through my old Who's Who comic books and Manhunter was never known by the name Mark Shaw. At least before 1983. But earlier today, somebody liked my commentary on Cheetah #1 (which has some typos I have never gone back to correct), so I reread it. In that comic book, Mark Shaw shows up! And he's called Manhunter! So my memory seems to find the worst garbage in the world to remember while I can't remember important, life saving information like the name of my sister-in-common-law when I'm talking to her face to face. It's a good thing she assumes I always know her name and she doesn't randomly quiz me about it! Because then I might die from fingernail poisoning.

Kreisberg completely Lobdells the opening to this first issue.

Just because Kreisberg begins this like Lobdell begins all of his comic books with the character introducing themselves to the reader because Lobdell seems to think people only buy comic books that have had their covers ripped off, it doesn't mean it's bad! This is actually a pretty clever in-joke! Green Arrow has spent the first three-quarters of his New 52 life as a complete jerk because he was written by hacks like J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti.

This story arc is called "Kingdom" and the first chapter is called "Foundation." Yes, that's correct! This isn't "part one"; it's "Chapter One!" That makes it more literary! I bet that's how Kreisberg got the job!

Kreisberg: "I have a pitch for a Green Arrow comic book, lover boy!"
Johns: "*mumblemumblemumble*"
Kreisberg: "What was that? Here, let me move my dick."
Johns: "Let's hear your pitch, Big Cock!"
Kreisberg: "Okay! Picture this!" *Kreisberg spreads out his arms, his erect phallus flopping against his own chin* "The story will be broken into...CHAPTERS!"
Johns: "Wha?! That's so...so...literary!"
Kreisberg: "Oh yeah. That'll get all them bitch boys reading Vonnegut and Salinger to give this medium a second chance!"
Johns: "Great idea! Now if Lemire won't suck me off, the book is yours!"

Maybe that's why Jeff Lemire decided to write a crappy "Save the Future!" story in Justice League United! Because he was pissed that he lost Green Arrow to Kreisberg, he decided to completely tank his Justice League United book. That would teach Geoff "Casting Couch" Johns...well, it would teach him something! Something about ethics or morals or economic decisions based on who is willing to suck off whom.

Whenever Green Arrow does this, does he have to restring his bow when he lands? And why is he carrying so many hotdogs? And should I be referring to him as just Arrow now?

Generally when a new writer comes along, the hero's retinue wind up unemployed and out of a job. Diggle is lucky because he was from the show anyway, so he can stay. But Naomi and Fyff are out on their asses (cute and fat, respectively). Looks like Green Arrow needs to hold an interview for an IT person with a cute face that loves to wear horrible dresses and talks like she's from Sunnydale! That would be Felicity, in case you weren't following my train of thought.

Also, The Glades are now a part of Seattle!

The doctor that removes the bullet from Oliver's arm has a pin on his lapel that is a crescent moon. Do you think he might wind up being Doctor Mid-nite?! I hope not!

Oliver Queen is an hour late for a meeting with some rich assholes that want to get Queen Industries back on its feet after it was lost to some Asian ghost monster, or lost to a business partner while Oliver was fucking triplets, or lost to...oh, I can't remember how he lost it! I'm sure it was stupid though!

Neither of these guys would have waited an hour for Oliver Queen.

I figure Bruce only waited because he didn't want Lex dealing with Oliver alone. And Lex only waited because he knew Batman would have to wait with him which meant he could have some thugs robbing banks in Gotham concurrently.

To convince Oliver to throw Queen Enterprises into the pot with Waynetech and Lexcorps, Lex throws out some numbers. He says the merger between his company and Bruce's has produced an economy "greater than ninety-five percent of the national GDP." So they've basically doubled the amount of money being made in America?! With just their two firms? That's capitalism out of control! Who gave these two assholes so much power to sink the world economy? Now the GDP of the United States is twice as large as it was before. What happens if, say, the CEO of one of these merged companies should...I don't know...try to enslave the world and wind up in prison watching all of his stock shares plummet through the basement?!

You know what? I don't even know what I'm talking about! The only thing I remember from my economics class in high school is that Soylent Green is people.

You tell him, Bruce! What kind of an asshole thinks of a city as their own?!

Meanwhile some guy named Mr. King is looking for some woman named Mia Deardon. The name sounds familiar but it must be one of those things my brain has decided wasn't important enough to remember.

And then Felicity Smoak shows up telling Green Arrow that she was hired to kill him. Which probably means she was hired to kill him but she'll point out next issue how she has no intention of going through with it and she was only caught hacking the Queen Foundation account by Dig because she wanted to be caught and now that she has Green Arrow's attention, how does she get on his payroll?

Green Arrow #35 Rating: No change. Of course Kreisberg and Sokolowski would steer the comic book to being more like the television show. I don't mind that since, at least so far, Ollie seems to be the same guy that just recently took his city back in Lemire's run of the comic book. And what long time comic book fan doesn't expect a change in supporting characters whenever a new writer comes onto a book? It's par for the windmill hole with those stupid blades always trying to knock your ball back at you so you have to chase it down before it falls into a pond.

World's End #5

Solomon Grundy sucks at wearing masks.

This issue is called "Emerald Quest." Is that a pun? I would have called it "Ermahgerd Querst" and Alan Scott would be all, "Ermahgerd! Serlermern Gerndah!" And Solomon Grundy would be all, "Ermahgerd!" And I would keep on cracking up and shouting, "Ermahgerd!"

I wonder if Earth-2's version of Amethyst (Ermahtherst!) will show up since we're going on an Emerald Quest. I bet it turns out the Emeralds are really space travelers and their ancestors had to transform into Emeralds to survive and they lost their magical emerald abilities because they remained too long in their gem form and forgot who they were and had lots and lots of half-emerald children who eventually wanted to learn where they came from so they went on their Emerald Quest and never, ever got a movie even though Marv Wolfman practically promised me right to my face ten years ago that the Elfquest movie was going to happen! I guess I'm just lucky he didn't rewrite the script so that all the elves were raped by a villainous space demon rapist.

As Queen Lantern and Solomon Grumpy try to battle, The Green steps between them and insists they fist and make up.

The Green is a tree with bosoms!

Alan Scott doesn't seem perturbed by the sudden appearance of The Green. But then Alan Scott is gay. Also I might not really know what "perturbed" means.

Three pages are wasted on Mera not revealing what she's going to unleash on the world now that she doesn't care what happens to it. She's all, "Dark things live in dark places! Hungry things live in hungry places!" And then she kneels before a face carved into a rock wall where the cave is the mouth with lots of scary teeth around it. That's probably where the scary thing she's going to unleash lives. I bet her secret weapon is Starro!

Boo! Solomon Grumpy works for no man! Or Earth Spirit! Or woman who has crashed through the glass ceiling in her business skirt and power heels!

The Green mentions that other colors rule Earth-2 with her. The White which represents the living atmosphere. The Blue which represents the hopeful ocean. The Red which represents the angry living things. The Yellow which represents the fearsome dandelions. The Indigo which represents the compassionate future children. The Violet which represents Hallmark. And the Orange which represents the selfish orange.

Master Comic Book Reader!

Sure, sure. Starro hasn't appeared yet! But look at that panel! It's a star fucking someone's face! Totally Starro's modus operandi!

Back in London, The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick, Doctor Cocoa Puffs, and Hawk Cop strip Famine naked and hang a mirror in front of her. The plan is to force her to "experience the same fate" to which she has "already doomed so many." That seems an awful lot like fat shaming!

Over on Amazonia (try not to get whiplash as we ping pong back and forth amongst the various plot threads), Sloan reveals that he's been working on a secret spaceship with technology that even Apokolips has never seen. And Mister Terrific has been working on a contraption called a Boom Sphere which can kill gods. When did these guys have time to create such horrible weapons of war? Isn't it the military who is supposed to twist science into imaginative ways of killing the most people in the quickest amount of time? Shouldn't these science guys simply be working on equations and theories?

Okay, Sloan is an Evil Mr. Smarty Pants, so I expect it from him. But Mister Terrific?! No wonder he winds up dooming Earth-The-Main-One.

And finally in the Geneva Firepit, Replacement Batman and his team stumble upon one of Apokolips's secret experiments.

No! Why bring Superman back? Now Val-el is just going to be some second rate chump that refuses to punch stuff. I mean, that's what he is already! But now it'll be obvious even to stupid readers!

World's End #5 Rating: No change. I thought the Horsewomen of Apokolips were going to be truly terrifying and wreak a ton of havoc and introduce Earth-2 to their dogs of war and kill lots and lots of silver age heroes? But they've barely made any kind of impression at all! Do you think Daniel H. Wilson has a plan for this book? Or do you suppose DC just told him that he has to reach a specific end condition within a certain amount of time and he and Marguerite and Mike can just make up whatever shit they want week to week as long as Earth-2 eventually winds up where DC needs it for their ongoing stories? I think Daniel H. Wilson should tell me what his plan is so that I can tell everybody that he knows what he's doing and to trust him. I promise I won't spoil it for anybody else!

Batman Eternal #31

Best Brave and the Bold Team-up that never was. But is now!

Oh, poor you! Did I hurt your feelings because I said your favorite hero sucked? Get over it! What if Sailor Moon had such thin skin? Would she ever have...wait, she did have really thin skin, the fucking cry baby. But she still saved the world over and over again because she never let assholes like me get her down! Buck up and stop caring about what an idiot on the internet says! You do know about 95% of this blog is facetious irreverence, right? Oh, of course you don't know that! Because everything has to be taken so fucking seriously! You kids have a difficult road to, um, pave if you're going to stop every three feet to lecture someone on not paving the way you think they should pave. And then instead of moving forward, you stand their tapping your toe waiting for an apology?! Jesus fucked! Don't let anybody else define you or what you love or how you pave! Just fucking get....

What the hell am I talking about?! I guess if I don't know, how are you going to know? I think I must have gotten my feelings hurt and decided to take it out on whatever random reader was sensitive enough to think I was talking about them! Ha ha! Take that, you mystery innocent! I sure feel better now!

On to the comic book! And don't worry, Aquaman isn't in it so there's a 50% chance that this commentary won't devolve into pointing out how idiotic he is! Oh stop trying to defend him! We all know he's super strong and dense and bullets bounce off of him and he can smash cars with his testicles! That's not an argument against why he's stupid! Those are just deflections so you don't actually have to think up a reason why he's not stupid! Whoops! Sorry about that! I guess there was only a 20% chance that I wouldn't start bashing Aquaman.

It's about time! I've been jonesing for an all out Arkham breakout!

Too bad Batman cleans up the riot in about one page. What kind of a lame ass version of Knightfall was that?! It's supposed to be a challenge when Batman has to battle all of the escapees from Arkham! I feel cheated by DC! Again!

Forget about Batman beating down the escapees. That's all old hat. And it's especially not interesting being drawn by Fernando Pasarin. I just can't get past how he draws such elongated torsos and squinty, weasel eyes on everybody! Anyway, there's that bestest Brave and the Bold Team-up to read about! And I know I'll love it even with squinty weasel eyes on Alfred!

Ah ha ha ha! You scamp, Bane!

I hope they have a song and dance number! It's not beyond the realm of possibility since Alfred is currently hallucinating. But instead of a gay romp through the sewers, Bane and Alfred are overwhelmed by black hand demon people. It's not as hilarious as the dance would have been.

Batman does some stuff and Hush does some stuff and Spoiler does some stuff and some of the stuff mixes in with some of the other stuff. And then the dance number happens although it's a bit weird without any music.

Now kiss!

Alfred leads Bane to an underground Batman cache and computer room. Bane never realizes it  though because the entrance is trapped and Bane is gassed. Alfred finally gets back in touch with Batman and Penny-Two and a pitiful, whining, nearly dead Batwing. "Help me! Help me!" he moans. Does it always have to be about you, Batwing? This is Alfred's moment!

And that other Hush, Batman, and Spoiler stuff I mentioned earlier? Nothing really happens with it. I guess Batman will have to save Spoiler from Hush next issue.

Batman Eternal #31 Rating: No change. Remember how in the television show, Alfred would occasionally dress up as Batman to fool everybody into thinking that Bruce Wayne and Batman weren't the same person at all even though all of the evidence pointed towards that conclusion? And simply posing as the Batman was all he could really do because he was a frail old man that would probably die immediately if he took one punch, even from Burgess Meredith? Well I think the comic book Alfred can put on the suit and do just as well as the regular Batman! Alfred might even be better at being Batman than Dick Grayson! Why isn't that a comic? Arkham Manor is a comic book! They can do a year's run of Alfred Pennyworth, Batman.

Futures End #27

Lois Lane, you big dumb dumb! Stop doing risky things! Billy Batson isn't in love with you and won't be there to save your ass!

Here's my new Lois Lane web comic idea that I'm sure has never, ever, ever been done before! Ever!

I'll probably never draw another one because you get the idea. She'll continually encounter things that are scoops but not the scoop you'd normally expect Lois to be interested in! Totally hilarious! In the next one, she admires a bulldozer.

This issue begins on the Isle of Can It Get Any More Boringer?! That's the island where Green Arrow trains his army of archers that will be useless against everything. Unless the entire show revolves around him and then arrows are way better than bullets and practically the only thing that ever actually wounds anybody. As opposed to real life where a guy out on the streets shooting arrows might wound one person before he gets his ass maced by some pizza delivery woman just passing by. And especially as opposed to comic books where villains have super powers and should never, ever be brought down by a guy shooting arrows. Ever! My suspension of disbelief can only be bent so far before I scream "Uncle!" And a guy shooting arrows being good enough to join the Justice League? "UNCLE MOTHERFUCKER! UNCLE!"

Although he's still way better than some jerk who can swim well and speaks with fishies.

Speedy needs two quivers because he's not as accurate as Ollie.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane discovers that two people can play that game where you creepily wait for the other person to arrive and then say, "Hello! I've been waiting for you!" And the other person is all, "How the fuck long have you been waiting? You never could have known when I'd be back!" And the first person smiles slowly and puts their dick back in their pants.

This might be my favorite Red Robin moment yet in the entire New 52! I can't stand when people think they can pull weird fucking stalkery shit on you but it's suddenly "call the police time" when you break into their apartment and steal all of their underwear.

Tim tells Lois that Madison left him and Lois says, "Because you were lying to her, right?" Fuck that nonsense! She left because her stupid feelings were hurt because Tim didn't confide in her something that he wanted to leave in his past forever! She's an immature child to feel that her expectations of Tim are more important than Tim's reality. Fuck her! I hope she's currently a Brundlefly!

Tim Drake tells Lois Lane to go parachute into the middle of the ocean and, judging by the cover, she takes his advice! Without Superman around to save her! Or Jimmy Olsen to photograph her bravery! I think her brain was fried from Billy Batson's lightning bolt.

Over on Cadmus Island, Deathstroke tells Grifter that they can't leave the island until he finishes with some unfinished business.

Oh Grifter! Now you're being entertaining? Two years too late to keep your own title alive!

Mister Miracle scouts the island and finds a medical lab where they seem to be grafting Aquawoman onto an OMAC. Or something. Sometimes it's hard to tell what an artist is trying to get across in a scene. Especially if that artist is Tony S. Daniel and he's also the writer. Man, he's horrible at choreographing his own stories so that they make sense!

The Green Arrow Army Featuring Big Barda have finally located Cadmus Island and are moving in to battle the OMACs. And back at the Wounded Duck, Plastique and Terry McBatman are relaxing with some beers and discussing steezes. Which I totally know what they are because I'm down with the hip lingo, daddy-o.

Did Tim hire Alfred to tend bar while he's stalking Lois Lane?

Also, I think I just fell a little bit in love with Plastique.

She should have her own 50s sitcom.

Terry McBatman breaks into Tim's apartment and is immediately caught by The Batman which, I think, is a huge no-no! This has time paradox written all over it! But Plastique saves the day by blowing everybody to smithereens! Yay!

Finally, Lois Lane's pilot and friend Buck allows her to jump out of his plane into the middle of the ocean. What an asshole.

Futures End #27 Rating: +1 Ranking! Plastique is just so dreamy! *SIGH* Stop looking at her, you other readers! Fuck off! She's my crush now! Also, don't tell Tig because she's an evil vampire and she might not like me looking at other comic book women.

Justice League United Annual #1

I don't think it's fair that some comic books have been going for three years with no annual and Justice League United gets one after six months.

Don't you hate it when people tell you that life's not fair? Don't you just want to punch them in the throat?

This is both an annual and a story about the Legion of Super-heroes, so I'm doubly not excited to read it. Hopefully Neil Edwards draws an adorable Supergirl bum. That will at least keep me turning the pages with my free hand.

When will comic books stop using this stupid fucking plot device?!

If the Legion of Super-heroes weren't meant to be, they weren't meant to be, Mon-el. And since you're standing their existing, it looks like they were meant to be! So chill the fuck out, sit down with J'onn and Ace, and have a good laugh about how useless changing the past to ensure a specific future is. After he kills Ace Ultra, will Mon-el have to go to a dance to make sure two specific people fall in love? What if he has to ensure fifty school children die in a horrific fire? Does he start that fire? He's already willing to kill a child to make sure he exists (which he already does so maybe he just likes killing children?), what other monstrous things will he do to make sure his timeline comes to pass? Which it already came to pass since, you know, there he is coming back in time to ensure it comes to pass!

By the way, Mon-el, did you ever think that the Legion of Super-heroes will die because they sent you back in time to kill Ace Ultra? What if it's this memory of one of the Legion of Super-heroes trying to kill Ace Ultra when he was a child which causes Ace Ultra to hate the Legion of Super-heroes and decide they must eventually be put to death? You ever think of that, Mon-el, you big stupid idiot?

And if you can't defeat super old adult Ace Ultra one thousand years in the future, what kind of a dick move is it to travel back in time and kill him as a child? Maybe you should travel back in time to when Legion was first formed and tell them they need to train harder and recruit some tougher members? Why is the choice always to go back in time and kill somebody? That was the plot to Back to the Future, right?

Mon-el tells Martian Manhunter that there is no other way. So I guess he tried the options I suggested already. Of course just letting the Legion die and not traveling back in time is another option. What's so important that the Legion of Super-heroes needs to exist? Do they really have that many die hard fans whose money DC can't stand not having?

This is part one of a five part story called "The Infinitus Saga." So it continues Lemire's bold choice to begin long story arcs in issues that probably should be stand alone stories, like Issue #0 and Annuals.

I was going to scan a panel where Mon-el tells J'onn that there's no time so I could bitch about how there is obviously plenty of time because he can time travel but then a few panels that followed demanded they be scanned instead.

That crazy Zeta Beam! I think it must be tied to Supergirl's vagina!

I should probably footnote that caption but I suspect regular readers deserve some jokes just for them. I should probably footnote "jokes" because I'm obviously using a non-standard definition of the word.

How come Adam Strange was having dinner in his space suit? Don't the Rannians have any clothing that he could borrow? Does he spend all day and night in that heavy suit? Aren't his balls chafing the insides of his thighs, thick with gooey sweat steeping in a bacterial stew? At least they don't mind if he gets drunk with his gun on his hip.

So that situation isn't going to be settled any time soon, so let's see how Supergirl's bum is doing in space with Animal Man, Green Arrow, Stargirl, and the rest of Supergirl.

Nobody briefed Green Arrow on Supergirl's penchant for punching people in the face when she first meets them?

The JLU Away Team learns that Hawkman's body is being held by a cult that follows Byth. And nobody in the Pleasure Station seems to worry about what just happened. I suppose when your clientele are mostly bounty hunters, you expect this kind of destruction every now and again. It's probably why the price of the Alien Anal Bead Bonanza is so high.

Back on Earth, Brainiac 5, Phantom Girl, and Saturn Girl arrive to prove that future heroes have no more imagination when it comes to choosing names than the heroes of the present. Saturn Girl, Supergirl, Phantom Girl, Stargirl. In one thousand years, the biggest innovation in super hero names will be putting a space between the words.

Brainiac tells a sob story about how some jerk named Infinitus destroys the future. I don't see how that's the Justice League United's problem! Take care of your own timeline, Brainiac! I meant that "Brainiac" as an insult and not his name.

Not surprising to anybody listening to Brainiac's long winded whine, Ace Ultra seemingly becomes Infinitus. Is that Infin-I-tus or Infin-it-us? I like the first one because it sounds like a disease!

While Martian Manhunter decides to tell Brainiac to fuck off or to eat shit, the other Justice League United team continues their hunt for the corpse of Hawkman.

The Zeta Beam must run on solar vaginal power. Oh, go read all of my Supergirl commentaries if you must know!

The Away Team runs into Byth again. I bet Byth has something to do with Infinitus! Especially since he had the symbol for infinity scratched into his temple. Infinity. Infinitus. See how similar they are?! It's probably a clue!

And surprise! Hawkman is still alive! "What?" you say, spittle flying across your computer screen. "But he was dead!" Oh ho, my amateur comic book readers! This is something you'll learn soon enough. Nobody stays dead in comic books! It's practically a solidified theory of mathematics. If X is a length of time stretching towards infinity, and Y is a dead character then something equals something else and QED the hero is alive again! I could probably make a more accurate equation if I had gotten a degree in something other than Reading Books.

Level Twelve Intelligence just means you think like other people categorized as Level Twelve Intelligence! It doesn't make you any smarter than anybody else. Unless that's exactly what it makes you. What do I know? I'm only like Level Three! That makes Brainiac 5 three times smarter than me.

Brainiac 5 might have nine levels of intelligence on me but he's a big fat idiot. Wait. Did I just insult myself too?

Why not allow yourself a year? Hell, take two years! The future can wait!

Is it just me or is Brainiac 5 looking a little Cobainian?

Kurt Cobain was really Brainiac 5 saving the future!

Byth starts talking like Harvest so now I get to hate two aspects of this story! The plot dependent on future events that must not come to pass and an antagonist that has planned everything right down to getting punched in the face by Supergirl. Did Lemire come up with this story in his sleep? There must be a twist to it somewhere, right? Maybe Lemire is just overburdened with Futures End, so he decided to write an easy story. Or maybe he just always wanted to write one of these shitty comic book stories! I suppose the least I can do is be supportive of his dream! From here on out, I hope this story pulls in all of the shitty comic book tropes that continue to exist for some reason. Oh wait! I know the reason! Because crappy writers keep using them!

When did a Level Three Intelligence prevent a person from enjoying comic books? Are these things suddenly being written down to Level One Intelligences?! I blame Fandoms! They don't give a shit how horribly Jason Todd is being written as long as his image is on the page.

Byth mentions that the battle between the Justice League United, the Legion of Super-heroes, and himself has happened over and over and over again. It's a time loop that keeps happening and I'm guessing the good guys win every time because Byth mentions he's found a way to break the loop. The problem with a time loop like this is that it isn't experienced over and over and over again! It's just experienced once by each person. Byth doesn't experience it every single time the Legion comes back in time! So that would mean that every time the loop happens (you know, the one single time experienced one single time by all parties at the same exact time), Byth claims he has a way to break the loop. Which means he doesn't and he winds up failing every time (you know, the one time).

Justice League United Annual #1 Rating: It's got nearly everything I hate about comic books! It's practically the television show Heroes it's so bad! But I think it's meant to be bad so I'm going to be all positive about it and like it in a totally ironic way because I'm super cool like that. I totally love stuff that is stupid, dude. You just don't get it.

Swamp Thing Annual #3

Etrigan! Etrigan! Does whatever an Etri is!

I could also have gone with this:

He's a demon named Etrigan!
He lives in Jason Blood's garbage can!
He's strong to the finish!
Cause he eats the Finnish!
He's a demon named Etrigan!

Although I'm not sure rhyming "finish" with "Finnish" is thrilling poetry.

Somebody just commented on my Turds of Prey #15 commentary saying that it was a little disgusting in the beginning. Then another, mysterious person replied to her reply saying, "True." That's so odd! Nobody ever replies to any of my older posts and then two very different and utterly unique people posted one after the other? And they were in agreement that Grunion Guy's "50 Birds of Grey" fiction (which I now realize might have been better as "50 Shades of Prey!" Or just "50 Birds of Prey," I guess) was a little disgusting. And since being the moderator, I get an email telling me the email of the guest who posted (or their IP Address), it didn't take Batman to realize both comments were from the same person! Which is kind of sad since she really didn't need to back up her opinion with another fake person agreeing with her. I agree with her! That story is a little disgusting! It's also quite disturbing! I don't think Grunion Guy should be allowed to write pornography.

The Jason Todd fans were saved by this Eve's comments because I was about to put them over my knee and pull down their sexy little pants and whoop the hell out of them. I'm pretty sure I hate all Jason Todd fans irrationally! Well, the hatred for very specific fans is quite rational. But I don't mind extending my hatred to all of them and then being labeled irrational! What do I care? Those assholes labeling me will be dead one day and then the joke will be on them! Ha ha!

Now I hope they all die before me or I'm going to have some serious egg on my dead face.

I also realized I jumped the gun with all the Etrigan mentions earlier since he isn't on the cover. But he was the one that was supposed to come for Cappuccino, so I've got all of my fingers crossed.

This Annual begins with rhyming demons attacking the swamp and coming up with every word they can think of that near rhymes with "Cappuccino." It's poetry on the level of an eighth grade romantic who has yet to realize he's really just a douchebag!

Good show, Alec! You can rhyme too!

Why are people so impressed with rhyming? Rhyming is not a talent! If you can't rhyme two words together, you're a fucking idiot. I don't mean if you can't make two words that don't rhyme rhyme! If you could do that, you'd be a magician! I mean if you...oh, what am I explaining myself to idiots and morons?! Fuck off!

Because of that "ita" typo, I'm now reading all of Swamp Thing's dialogue as Mario.

While Cappuccino lays dying because her thousand years of life are nearing an end, she asks Swamp Thing to tell her a story. She wants a funny story because dying is always a time of joy and hilarity. So Swamp Thing tells her the Popcorn Story. I hope it's also a little bit sexy.

It's not sexy at all! Or funny! Unless seeing Swamp Thing as a corn on the cob man is funny. But the story does remind Cappuccino that stories should end and the end of her story is coming up quickly.

The hero! The hero of the story!

Since Charles Soule is writing this book, I imagine Swamp Thing and Etrigan are going to have a long, philosophical discussion about corpse's rights rather than engaging in a twenty page bout of fisticuffs. Although I'm sure a little demon fire will blast a few of Swamp Thing's plant bodies before the issue is over. But I can't escape the feeling that Swamp Thing will talk Etrigan out of the deal rather than beating him back with brute force.

Swamp Thing and Cappuccino come up with a ruse that only Gaurav can bring to fruition. Swamp Thing swaps souls with Cappuccino so that she can fight Etrigan for her freedom.

The original width of this panel was 666 pixels before I resized it.

That's one of my predictions down! Now let's dispense with the fighting and get to the talking!

Even if Soule's encounters have become predictable, it's still a refreshing change from the usual comic book battles where whoever punches the most wins.

Etrigan tries to convince Swamp Thing that Cappuccino is evil so that he'll stop the battle and give her up to Etrigan. But Swamp Thing is more human than plant. Why would he be convinced of something so contrary to what he's seen during the time he's known Cappuccino? Only characters in horribly written comic books or on Parenthood believe what horrible strangers say over what they've experienced directly!

Although, I mean, it is Etrigan! And I did point out how he's the hero of the story earlier! And I'd much rather believe everything Etrigan says over anything that stupid, murdering woman named after a highly caffeinated drink would say! He must be telling the truth this time! He's the greatest character in DC Comics' entire history! I can't not trust him simply because he's a devil and a demon and morally corrupt and a murdering monster.

Either way, I'm still rooting for Etrigan! He's the best! (Get it? I said "rooting"!)

Lies! All lies! Finish her, Etrigan! Kill her!

Cappuccino comes back to swap bodies with Alec. Now that she has a connection with The Green, Swamp Thing places her in the Green with Brother Jonah when she dies. She's safe from Etrigan there. But what about the deal she struck with Etrigan before going back to Alec? What of that?! And will we find out before Charles Soule is forever lost to Marvel Comics? Probably not.

Swamp Thing Annual #3 Rating: It was the best annual ever because it starred Etrigan. Why was this a Swamp Thing annual? Shouldn't it have been a The Demon Annual?