Detective Comics #957

Let's all read a bad comic! Let's all read a bad comic! Let's all read a bad comic! And curse James Tynion V!

That wasn't a typo in the caption. I'm like the Old Testament God. I never fucking waste my time cursing the person who did the terrible thing. Who wants to punish the person who deserves the punishment? No, better to curse the descendants of the jerko who looked at his father naked and drunk, or the jerko who ate the fruit God was saving for himself? I'd rather curse James Tynion's future child. And being that he'll be named James Tynion V, my guess is that the curse will manifest in many, many schoolyard beatings.

Today, I read Action Comics #980 and thought, "Was this written by a robot that has no knowledge of anything past 1986?" Then I read Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #21 and thought, "I totally called that Sarko was Kyle and Soranik's child. I am the greatest comic book reader that ever lived! Is that something that people actually aspire too? Has anybody else that has ever aspired to that been less pretentious than me? I don't mean arrogant! Obviously I'm arrogant since I'm constantly pointing out how I guessed the plot like three pages into the first part of every six part story. But I'm not writing comic books reviews that make me seem like the smartest person on Earth. Quite the opposite, actually!" That was a pretty long thought! I usually don't let them get that long before I lose interest. But later, I had another thought about Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #21! It went like this: "Why is Kyle so fucking sad that his child from a future that will now never happen was killed? Does he cry about every dying sperm whenever he ejaculates outside of a vagina?"

After that, I began reading Detective Comics #957 and I thought, "This is so terrible that I have to express myself!" So I farted onto the comic book. Then I thought, "Oh wait! I have an even better way to express myself! I'll go online!" Then a chorus of angels descended and sang Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah while I retreated to find a flyswatter.

Some of you may not have noticed the trend to portray Batman as complete and utter asshole who does everything wrong because he's ultimately a symbol of the patriarchy. He's been in control of Gotham for far too long and certain mediocre writers (whom I won't name IV!) have decided it's time to make him look bad. Now I've never been a huge Batman fan but I'm still going to try to defend him from the terrible way he's currently being portrayed in this comic book.

This issue begins with Spoiler, a youth (that's important to the story because youths never know as much as they think they know! Oh, sure! They'll argue with me about that and tell me I'm a huge asshole but someday in their mid-thirties while texting their mother an eggplant emoji, they'll suddenly think, "Oh my god. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea was right! I was such an ignorant jerk! And I probably should have worn stronger deodorant!") who thinks she's figured it all out. So she's going to explain it to the reader.

Before we examine her theory, I'd just like to point out that her theory is predicated on James Tynion IV's knowledge of DC comic book history and how comic books are constantly telling the middle of the story (the origin gets told and retold occasionally and sometimes somebody will get to write a "fantasy" final arc story. But generally, it's a middle arc story). So Spoiler's theory of Batman is entirely unfair and unwarranted. Anybody can point to Batman being a complete failure if they look at the comic book pattern and apply it as if it's actual Gotham history. Joker is caught. Joker escapes. Joker challenges Batman. People die. Joker gets caught. Joker escapes. Joker challenges Batman. People die. Joker is caught. Between each "Joker is caught and escapes episode," we get the same arcs but with Penguin or Two-Face or The Riddler. So before Spoiler tells us readers what we already know, I just wanted to point out that it's meta-bullshit that Batman cannot be blamed for. Unless you're a writer with a grudge against the Patriarchy. I mean Batman! Who doesn't have a grudge against the Patriarchy, amirite?! Fucking dudes, man! Pshaw!

Anyway, Spoiler believes every thing is Batman's fault because he's fighting crime all wrong. See, he has become so adept at stopping crime the criminals now think they have to battle Batman first to prove that Gotham City is theirs. Not only is this a stupid theory that assumes all of the villains are delusional idiots who think they're going to beat Batman, it also relies on years of lazy writers completely fucking up the idea of superheroes. Of course Batman is to blame if every single lazy writer has decided that the bad guy isn't going to do anything except try to get revenge on Batman. But again, that's not Batman's fault!

Spoiler believes that the Bat-Signal is at the heart of the problem. People see it in the sky, they know Batman is on the job so they stop being responsible for their own lives. I guess Spoiler just believes in a world where everybody is a stupid piece of shit. "Oh! The Bat-Signal! Well, I guess I don't have to worry about my own safety tonight!" I have yet to see The Spoiler that people were so eager to get back into the DC Universe. If this is her, I hate her and everybody who wanted her back.

This right here is at the heart of what's wrong with the modern age of comic books. Superheroes are supposed to be inspiring! They're supposed to save people. Fuck this cynical bullshit where dozens of people die while the hero saves the day after which their relatives become super villains and blame the heroes. Then they attack the heroes and keep the cycle going because writers are lazy and/or think they're being clever by questioning things like "What if Superman had to fight in the real world instead of a stupid made-up world where he saves the day and makes people happy and causes readers to feel better about their lives and the world around them through the hope and inspiration of their actions?"

If I hadn't read so many James Tynion IV stories in which Batman was portrayed as being wrong while his youthful sidekicks all knew what was right and how to do things better, I might just think, "Spoiler will surely learn a lesson here! At the end, she'll be thinking Batman is the bee's knees!" But I'm fairly certain this will end with Spoiler proving something to Batman while Batman eats crow and admits he could probably be a better person. Because that's what the Patriarchy should be doing, right?! Shutting up and listening! Although I don't know how they can shut up and just listen if the shit they have to listen to is akin to the shit coming out of Spoiler's mouth in this comic book.

By declaring she's no longer a superhero, Spoiler decides that her way is better and it'll allow her to save people from becoming innocent victims of Batman's war on crime.

After Spoiler Narration Boxes her speech to whomever the fuck she's speaking, it's time for Wrath to do the same thing! He's also going to explain how Gotham City works and he's going to agree a bit with Spoiler. He agrees that the first thing you have to do as a super villain is to defeat Batman. You can come up with a criminal plan after that!

Wrath is the anti-Batman. He's usually used in Batman comic books to show what Batman could have become if he allowed himself to use the tragedy in his life as an excuse. I bet this time he'll be used to show that there isn't really any difference between Wrath and Batman at all!

Even as I was typing that, I was thinking, "Don't type that! That's such a stupid conclusion to make! There's not way even James Tynion IV would write that story!"

You mean you attempt to solve the hardest problem first and then you spend the next few years in Arkham Asylum wondering why you just didn't rob a bank on Staten Island.

At the beginning of the Wrath scene, he kills one of his own men. Later, he threatens to kill one at random for every minute they go over a deadline he gives them. Who would work for this asshole? The pay and benefits must be unfathomably generous!

So you constantly lose? Because there's no way you got through the level of Arkham Asylum that I grew bored with and quit because you have to be stealthy or you start over! And I'm fairly certain some levels of Thief, even when playing on the "Oops! I've been noticed and have to now murder an entire castle full of guards!" difficulty still forces you to be stealthy on some levels.

That previous caption was where I exceeded my "This comic isn't too bad!" threshold and decided I needed to vent.

Spoiler continues to mention how so many innocents got hurt due to Batman and his Bat-Family stopping crime. She thinks (or Narration Boxes, actually), "Who's there to stop my friends when they go too far?" Um, you could be, you coward. She continues, "To say how many losses are acceptable?" Have you met Batman? Zero losses are acceptable! I mean, you know, in Bat-Theory! If anybody dies, it's not because Batman did something that caused their death. It's because somebody else did something that caused their death and Batman wasn't able to save them. I suppose in the world I described earlier where lazy writers only ever have villains attack Batman directly, you can, if you want to be a dick about it, put the blame on Batman. But once more: that's not Batman's fault! It's the fault of shitty writers!

Spoiler's conclusion is that super heroes brought about super problems. Fuck you, you idiot. This is the worst hot take in comic books and it has continued to hang around for decades. Writers who continue to use this trope should be shunned from the comic book community.

Spoiler is all, "I'm going to use my super training to prove that Gotham doesn't need superheroes!" And Batman will, hopefully, be all, "Fuck you, dummy!"

The last story arc was to show that Cassandra was better than Batman. This one is to show that Spoiler is better than Batman. How is she better? I'm not exactly sure since she takes out Wrath pretty much exactly how Batman would have taken him out. I mean, if Batman were being written by somebody who didn't have a grudge against the Patriarchy. I mean Batman! I suppose Tynion's Batman would have exploded all of the walls and toppled the building with his raging hard-on to battle Wrath and all of the hostages would have died. Afterward, Batman would have been all, "It's a shame that Wrath killed so many and it wasn't my fault at all! I had to stop him by any means necessary!" Which totally isn't a Batman thing to do so I don't actually know how Spoiler thinks her version of stopping Wrath was better than the way Batman, being written honestly, would have done it.

Spoiler's entirely plan is to save the day and let the police take the credit. So she's trusting that the police will be dishonest bastards who lie about their jobs? That's a great message! Anyway, she somehow thinks that if super villains think the cops are stopping all the crime, they won't want to do crime anymore! Especially since — thanks, again, to the lazy writers — all they actually want to do is beat up super heroes. She'll see how stupid her plan is when super villains continue to do whatever they want (even more so!) when they think all the heroes have left Gotham.

Anarchy shows up at the end to be all, "That was great! What a great idea! This story wasn't stupid at all! Spoiler isn't a terrible character with stupid thoughts after all!" That's when I throw up. The end!

Detective Comics #945

I can't tell if this is going to be a Killer Croc issue or that face is just another member of the Victim Syndicate!

This issue begins with Batman trying to find out what the First Victim said to Spoiler. But Spoiler just points out that if Batman unmasks, nobody will be hurt by the Victim Syndicate. Oh, okay. Is that where we are? We're giving in to terrorist threats now? Because that always works so well! Batman is the answer to terrorist threats! Just like in the first episode of the first season of Black Mirror, nobody should be discussing giving in to the demands no matter what is being threatened! Like when a corporation threatens to move its business out of the country unless it gets a tax break, you can't give in or else it becomes a pattern of behavior that other corporations will exploit! I don't even have children and I understand how this shit works! If you give the stupid bastard a cookie because it won't eat dinner otherwise, it's always going to expect a fucking cookie! And if the kid is smart, the cookie demands will escalate!

Although now that I mentioned Black Mirror, I really wish the First Victim had demanded to see Batman fuck a pig.

Steph points out that the First Victim just wanted to make sure Spoiler was okay. Because they didn't really want to hurt her or anybody else for that matter. They're the good guys here! Anybody they hurt is because of Batman. It's because Batman won't do what they want. How dare Batman not view the world in the way that they view the world and take responsibility for being the terrible person they say he is! What a gross, disgusting, problematic jerko!

In other news, Steph has now been groomed by the Victim Syndicate and she's ready to join the movement! Probably.

Batman just drives around Gotham City in his Batmobile like he's going out on errands. I wonder what insurance company he uses? Does he even need insurance? I bet avoiding tickets from speed cameras, parking tickets, and damages from hit and run accidents are the main reason he has a secret identity. Why bother with insurance when nobody can find you?

Batman begins trying to figure out who The First Victim might be by going over all of the people hurt during his escapades. But so many people have been hurt, he can't remember them all! Unless he can't remember them because the Dionesium that cured his brain also cured his guilt over the victims who he couldn't save. But also, why would Batman want to unmask the First Victim? That seems hypocritical! If he won't unmask, shouldn't he let the First Victim's identity remain secret too?

All of the Batkids are about to have psych evaluations to make sure they're fit for the team. I imagine they only have to score higher than Batman scored on his psych evaluation, right? Do people get scores on these things or is it just a pass/fail kind of thing?

Not a lot of action taking place in this issue as the Bat-Team wait for the Victim Syndicate to attack again. While they're waiting around, everybody contemplates their psychological problems. Batman is guilty and feeling responsible for the collateral damage that takes place when he tries to stop villains from killing and hurting people. Spoiler avoids talking about Tim Drake's death. Clayface deals with his lack of morality caused by using his powers. And Batwoman is having the mother of all Daddy Issues. Kate is also super annoyed that Luke Fox doesn't seem to have any problems. But then she doesn't know about his sister who was fucked up by Ratcatcher. Unless it was something different caused by somebody else!

Meanwhile, The First Victim pays a visit to Thompkins Free Clinic. I hope Jean-Paul Valley gets killed! I've been waiting for that day for so long!

I'm so sick of Batman having to deal with teenagers who think they've got everything figured out!

I don't understand this whole thing about "everybody else's expense." When did Batman become the guy ruining everybody else's lives? If you don't want to work with him because he always lies and has an agenda (an terrible agenda to keep people as safe as possible!), maybe don't work with him! He's not thinking of himself when he takes in young people to try to focus their grief and anger at the world into something positive. If he were thinking of himself, he'd ditch them all. Who needs the headache?! He's not thinking of himself and feeling better by sacrificing his own possibility for a life of happiness just to feel better about himself! Although Spoiler's words might be hitting home a little bit since possibly the only reason Batman took in Tim Drake was to feel better. Because Tim was really the only stable kid who didn't actually need Batman's care and guidance. So why take him in? Probably because it made Batman feel good. So the one selfish act Batman has taken in the past decade or more resulted in Tim's death. That only proves that Batman needs to stop pursuing "feeling better" and get back to kicking the asses of assholes who want to make everybody feel worse.

The Review
No change. Even though technically this feels like an old school Detective Comics book, as I've been saying, it also has signs of bringing Batman closer to the 21st Century. I can feel James Tynion bringing the next generation's beliefs and ideals into the heart of this book. Some of it is super annoying because it's still just young people thinking they know the way of the world while really just being typical young people. But also, it just kind of goes about its business with fitting into a modern sensibility. I mean, sometimes it calls attention to itself like when the word "they" was typed in bold type when Dr. Thompkins references The First Victim, just so, you know, you realize she's using the correct pronoun for describing a person whose gender is unknown. But overall, I don't find myself rolling my eyes at anything other than the way teenagers act. Fucking Spoiler is really getting on my nerves! I don't care if she's mourning! She's making me like Jean-Paul Valley by comparison!

Here's a picture of me with my niece because I look like a fucking superhero here! This must have been taken with some kind of filter!

Swamp Thing Annual #3

Etrigan! Etrigan! Does whatever an Etri is!

I could also have gone with this:

He's a demon named Etrigan!
He lives in Jason Blood's garbage can!
He's strong to the finish!
Cause he eats the Finnish!
He's a demon named Etrigan!

Although I'm not sure rhyming "finish" with "Finnish" is thrilling poetry.

Somebody just commented on my Turds of Prey #15 commentary saying that it was a little disgusting in the beginning. Then another, mysterious person replied to her reply saying, "True." That's so odd! Nobody ever replies to any of my older posts and then two very different and utterly unique people posted one after the other? And they were in agreement that Grunion Guy's "50 Birds of Grey" fiction (which I now realize might have been better as "50 Shades of Prey!" Or just "50 Birds of Prey," I guess) was a little disgusting. And since being the moderator, I get an email telling me the email of the guest who posted (or their IP Address), it didn't take Batman to realize both comments were from the same person! Which is kind of sad since she really didn't need to back up her opinion with another fake person agreeing with her. I agree with her! That story is a little disgusting! It's also quite disturbing! I don't think Grunion Guy should be allowed to write pornography.

The Jason Todd fans were saved by this Eve's comments because I was about to put them over my knee and pull down their sexy little pants and whoop the hell out of them. I'm pretty sure I hate all Jason Todd fans irrationally! Well, the hatred for very specific fans is quite rational. But I don't mind extending my hatred to all of them and then being labeled irrational! What do I care? Those assholes labeling me will be dead one day and then the joke will be on them! Ha ha!

Now I hope they all die before me or I'm going to have some serious egg on my dead face.

I also realized I jumped the gun with all the Etrigan mentions earlier since he isn't on the cover. But he was the one that was supposed to come for Cappuccino, so I've got all of my fingers crossed.

This Annual begins with rhyming demons attacking the swamp and coming up with every word they can think of that near rhymes with "Cappuccino." It's poetry on the level of an eighth grade romantic who has yet to realize he's really just a douchebag!

Good show, Alec! You can rhyme too!

Why are people so impressed with rhyming? Rhyming is not a talent! If you can't rhyme two words together, you're a fucking idiot. I don't mean if you can't make two words that don't rhyme rhyme! If you could do that, you'd be a magician! I mean if you...oh, what am I explaining myself to idiots and morons?! Fuck off!

Because of that "ita" typo, I'm now reading all of Swamp Thing's dialogue as Mario.

While Cappuccino lays dying because her thousand years of life are nearing an end, she asks Swamp Thing to tell her a story. She wants a funny story because dying is always a time of joy and hilarity. So Swamp Thing tells her the Popcorn Story. I hope it's also a little bit sexy.

It's not sexy at all! Or funny! Unless seeing Swamp Thing as a corn on the cob man is funny. But the story does remind Cappuccino that stories should end and the end of her story is coming up quickly.

The hero! The hero of the story!

Since Charles Soule is writing this book, I imagine Swamp Thing and Etrigan are going to have a long, philosophical discussion about corpse's rights rather than engaging in a twenty page bout of fisticuffs. Although I'm sure a little demon fire will blast a few of Swamp Thing's plant bodies before the issue is over. But I can't escape the feeling that Swamp Thing will talk Etrigan out of the deal rather than beating him back with brute force.

Swamp Thing and Cappuccino come up with a ruse that only Gaurav can bring to fruition. Swamp Thing swaps souls with Cappuccino so that she can fight Etrigan for her freedom.

The original width of this panel was 666 pixels before I resized it.

That's one of my predictions down! Now let's dispense with the fighting and get to the talking!

Even if Soule's encounters have become predictable, it's still a refreshing change from the usual comic book battles where whoever punches the most wins.

Etrigan tries to convince Swamp Thing that Cappuccino is evil so that he'll stop the battle and give her up to Etrigan. But Swamp Thing is more human than plant. Why would he be convinced of something so contrary to what he's seen during the time he's known Cappuccino? Only characters in horribly written comic books or on Parenthood believe what horrible strangers say over what they've experienced directly!

Although, I mean, it is Etrigan! And I did point out how he's the hero of the story earlier! And I'd much rather believe everything Etrigan says over anything that stupid, murdering woman named after a highly caffeinated drink would say! He must be telling the truth this time! He's the greatest character in DC Comics' entire history! I can't not trust him simply because he's a devil and a demon and morally corrupt and a murdering monster.

Either way, I'm still rooting for Etrigan! He's the best! (Get it? I said "rooting"!)

Lies! All lies! Finish her, Etrigan! Kill her!

Cappuccino comes back to swap bodies with Alec. Now that she has a connection with The Green, Swamp Thing places her in the Green with Brother Jonah when she dies. She's safe from Etrigan there. But what about the deal she struck with Etrigan before going back to Alec? What of that?! And will we find out before Charles Soule is forever lost to Marvel Comics? Probably not.

Swamp Thing Annual #3 Rating: It was the best annual ever because it starred Etrigan. Why was this a Swamp Thing annual? Shouldn't it have been a The Demon Annual?

Deadshot #1

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.