Tangent Comics: Nightwing #1 (December 1997)

Did this cover take place in the back of a moving U-haul?

Nightwing #1 (October 1, 1997)
By John Ostrander, Jan Duursema, Gloria Vasquez, and Dave Lanphear
Cover by Jan Duursema
Edited by Frank Berrios, Dana Kurtin, and Eddie Berganza

The moving U-haul theory is the only acceptable reason I can come up with for this cover having all of the characters squished up against the right-hand side except for the one who looks like she's been thrown in that direction by the sudden turn made by the insane driver. The lines even indicate swift movement in that direction. They are a covert organization so maybe in the back of a U-haul is how they get to all of their secret missions? Also the font for the title is fucking ridiculous. It's like somebody dipped their cock in a can of paint and slapped their penis against the wall to make the letters. At least the team looks exciting! A werewolf! A goblin with a magnifying glass! A man who chokes snakes so rat carcasses shoot out of their mouth at people. A woman with tits. The Black guy.

The most exciting part of this cover and the reason I purchased it was this part: John Ostrander. Some people might be thinking, "Like the name of that building in the background of the shitty Suicide Squad movie?" But, I mean, yeah! That guy! He made the Suicide Squad interesting! Plus he, along with his wife Kim Yale (and maybe it was mostly her? Was she the brains behind all of his pre-1997 work (because she died that year. If she was the brains behind his post-1997 work, I would like to hear that story because I don't believe in an afterlife but I'd like to? Please? I don't want to stop existing!)), created Oracle! But, um, yeah. It was the 1988 incarnation of Suicide Squad that made me forever love John Ostrander even if I don't really remember reading much of his work past that. I think he did a run of The Spectre that I collected? But that I don't remember too well? Except that the first issue had a glow-in-the-dark cover! Oh, and he also wrote Gotham Nights!

My local comic book store is having a 50% off sale this weekend so I'm going to go buy more Tangent Comics today! Yay! I get to read more dreck! My brain hates me!

This is the first panel of this issue.

I decided on an explanatory caption instead of a stupid one because there's a lot to process in that first panel. Unless there's only one thing to process in that panel and it's that the fascist cops are named "FIST" and they're chasing a young woman with a smoking bod. Do the kids still say "smoking bod"? Or do they say something I wouldn't understand at all? Something like "Her floobs are smackdacking my powerwasher." "Floobs" are not what you think they are, you pervert. They're her buttcheeks.

See? There wasn't a lot going on, I guess, because I stopped talking about the first panel after the FIST thing. I suppose the other thing I wanted to mention is that Jan Duursema seems to be channeling a modern style for 1997. Kind of an Image thing. Did she always draw like that? Even before 1997, I know I'd read a number of comics with her art. Like her work on DC Challenge. Or The Outsiders. Or, um, Batman and the Outsiders. Or Eclipso. Or Justice League Quarterly. And I don't remember this style. This woman looks bit Gen-13ish. Except less naked.

Oh! I probably also wanted to point out B'wanna Beast's Cookies. They sound delicious! Also, I recognize that name!

On the next page, this Gen-13 style lass suddenly looks like John Romita Jr drew her ass. And by "ass" I mean "face".

Were there secret sneaky uncredited inkers on this issue?!

The only problem with the "Did John Romita Jr do a sneaky ink on this panel?" is that the gun looks too fucking normal for a John Romita Jr gun. But then maybe he can ink a gun without turning it into some weird flat square gun that looks more like a box a gun would come in than a firearm.

Although on a second look, maybe that gun is kind of John Romita Jrish?!

FIST stands for "FIreStormTroopers" (all one word, I guess?) which seems weird because Martin Stein became Firestorm the Nuclear Submarine in this world. Why would a whole fascist military organization name themselves after some pervert professor whose big dream was to be one with a submarine? And why do they have Boom Tube guns? This is only the second Tangent comic book I've read and I'm beginning to suspect that they did less world building in this than in The New 52. Which is disgraceful, really!

This woman whose name is Nikki Faure and who stole something from FIST is rescued by the Black guy member of Nightwing. I guess even though they're so top secret that even the president (Richard Nixon) doesn't know about them, the rank and file members of FIST know about them. Or maybe I'm getting the incredible world-building in these Tangent Comics mixed up because I'm an idiot. This is 1997 which is decades after Nightwing was exposed and purportedly shut down after causing a huge scandal in Nixon's presidency which led to his downfall. So now that everybody knows Nightwing no longer exists, they can go about their business existing and still bossing around all the other fascist cops.

Oh shit! I just realized I'm crapping on John Ostrander's writing! I didn't mean to do that! I'm so sorry! I am now absolutely certain that I don't understand what's going on in this comic book because I'm an idiot!

Does anybody still work for Nightwing? Are they all rogue agents now?

We met Black Orchid in The Superman #1 and she was a rogue agent who used to work for Nightwing. Now we've got Gravedigger and Wildcat (that's Nikki Faure! The werewolf from the cover!) who've abandoned the organization too. When Gravedigger says "Shazam", Nikki wolfs out. Or cats out, I guess. When he says it a second time, she turns into a naked lady. Man, I wish I had that super power! I mean the one where I say a word twice and a lady winds up naked and not the power that Nikki has where some other dude says the word twice and she winds up naked. That sounds like a terrible super power.

I thought she'd be hotter as a cat because she should have more boobs. But somehow she has less.

Wildcat stole some codes from FIST so the rogue Nightwing agents can break into some thing they're not supposed to break into. And that's the end of scene one!

Scene Two begins with Snakechoker speaking with his Skeets who is actually named Nightshade. Snakechoker seems like a cross between Booster Gold and Gambit but since Gambit is a Marvel character, he's probably just the Tangent version of Booster Gold. Especially since on the credits page was this note: Tangent Based On Concepts by Dan Jurgens.

Snakechoker's actual name is Hex but I'm going to forget that immediately because he doesn't remind me of Jonah Hex at all. He's way more Booster Gold what with his own personal Skeets and the way he thinks he's so super fucking cool. Also he knows magic and Jonah Hex doesn't know magic. Booster Gold is from the future with technology that seems like magic so that's a much closer fit! Maybe nobody even realized that naming a magic guy Hex would confuse idiotic comic book readers like me who constantly jerk it over Jonah Hex.

Maybe he's just a grown up version of Klarion the Witch Boy and Nightshade is his Teekl?

So those two guys trying to capture Hex are still active Nightwing agents. But they're not super or cool so nobody cares. Hex refers to them as M.I.B.s so I guess they're Tangent's version of Men in Black. Although they don't look like Alex Trebek and Jesse the Body Ventura. I mean Will Smith and the old white guy. Old what's his name. You know. The guy who was in The Fugitive! Yeah! Him!

Although on a second look, one of them does kind of look like Jesse Ventura.

I don't want to totally shit on Ostrander's writing in this thing but remember how I shit on Mark Millar's writing? And even though that's the norm for me writing about a Millar book, I didn't blame Millar at all for his boring story about Tangent Superman. So I probably shouldn't blame Ostrander for the following page for that reason and also for another reason: Ostrander was already mourning his wife when he wrote this! I'm sure he gave less than two shits about it! And even if he wrote it earlier in the year, or sometime in 1996 (being that comics don't just spontaneously appear as soon as they're written), he would have been going through a fucking hell of a lot during that time! So just try to remember that when you read the following page and it causes you to wonder why sentience even came to exist on this planet.

Was it for this? Was sentience created to put pen to paper to write "Why is Hex so much cooler than I am?" and "I was born that way!"?

The next time somebody tries to debate me about Intelligent Design, I'm just going to show them this panel and say, "This is what God created? Creatures that would write this? And creatures that would accept this as the final script? And creatures that would buy it? And creatures who would actually enjoy it?! If I were God and I saw my creations do this and some of them enjoy this, I would fucking stick my arm in a black hole and do myself like that guard in Firestarter or the P.G.O.A.T.'s mother in Infinite Jest!"

Although I'm sure God-lovers would just fart out their usual argument, "BLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT psssssss Free Will! floop." But even that answer, if I were God, would have me looking for the nearest black hole. Because why did I give these idiotic creatures free will if they were going to come up with embarrassing shit like this?!

Also why doesn't Snakechoker's guns look like snakes?! I'm so confused!

Hex notes that The Creeper seems to be in command of Nightwing cause The Creeper Rogue Nightwing's target. They need Black Orchid for the next step of the mission of the woman with tits is busy kicking guns out of men's hands while showing a ton of cleavage to distract from her flat ass.

Why is this guy looking directly into her sex orifice?

I should probably try to be more specific because isn't every orifice a possible sex orifice?

I guess he was just looking at where he was aiming. Yowch!

Black Orchid's powers are tantric in nature which must be why they're trying to shoot her in the pussy. After she uses up a bunch of her power to restrain all the bad guys, she zips down the front of her bodysuit so she can regain some power either through fucking everybody in the room or just rubbing one out. She makes it clear that she's about to do something sexual in nature but she's interrupted by a call from Gravedigger. So instead of doing some long-winded sexy tantric mumbo-jumbo, she has to have a quickie before heading out.

Is this the normal reaction to being fucked by a beautiful woman?!

Black Orchid loses most of her sex appeal in the next scene because it turns out she's Hex's lover. Ugh. She fell for that whole "I'm so cool!" schtick?!

A lot of the art in this issue just feels like Image shit from the '90s. I'm sure it was so popular it influenced a lot of artists to try their hand at the style.

I think she needs to eat more men during sex.


This looks like every man drawn by an artist at Image in 1993.


I actually really like this panel! See? I can be positive!

Those first two panels really look like Jan was parodying the Image style more than cribbing it. Maybe I should just choose to believe she was mocking it? That makes me feel much better! Especially when I like that third panel so much! Plus notice how in that 3rd panel, her eyes are symmetrical? No Image artist in 1993 could pull off symmetrical eyes! It's why they always had hair hiding one eye or one eye was under an eyepatch or one eye was a cybernetic implant.

Gravedigger and Wildcat arrive to explain the plan to bring down Nightwing. He says the organization relies on secrecy but, I mean, those FIST guys knew all about them? And they just seem like rent-a-cops even if they are the government's fascist military arm. You wouldn't tell some motorcycle riding cop about the most secretest of secret organizations and just trust that he won't tell anybody. How do you keep anything secret when you've told cops?!

Anyway, the plan is to tell a powerful person about Nightwing and then he'll bring Nightwing down. My guess is that powerful person is The Superman. And guess what? He does bring them down! Did I read these in the wrong order?! Probably since The Superman came out in September of 1998! Well now I have a whole bunch of other Tangent Comics to read out of order because I picked some up for $1.50 a piece today!

Turns out the goblin on the front is The Creeper and he seems to run a ring of necromancers who control the leader of Nightwing. The leader of Nightwing is an ex-Metal Man named Moore. I'll be reading the Metal Men comic soon! Also I think The Joker works for Nightwing secretly. But I didn't get The Joker's Tangent Comic because they didn't have it. They did have the entire 12 issue run of The Superman's Reign! But I didn't feel like spending $18 on that. Maybe later?

The Creeper gets high on people's souls.

I guess I was confused at the timeline and was right the first time when it was weird that FIST knew about Nightwing. Because the powerful person that Gravedigger is going to tell about Nightwing is Richard Nixon! So I guess the downfall of Nightwing happens way more recently than I realized before The Superman's whole story.

Moore, the guy with the metal plate in his head, tells The Creeper that they have an informant working within Gravedigger's rogue organization. My guess is it's either Hex or Nightshade even if it turns out to be Gravedigger and his little rebel group actually still works for Nightwing's leader who is the actual leader of the rebel group bringing down Nightwing. Yeah, it's confusing! The Creeper decides the way to stop Gravedigger from destroying Nightwing is to suck Richard Nixon's soul. So he lopes off down his slimy escape tunnel to go suck some Dick. Meanwhile, Gravedigger's group have to break into the White House to tell Nixon their secret. Don't they have phones in the Tangent Universe?

Black Orchid enters Nixon's head to tell him about Nightwing. But how much is he going to remember after he wakes up covered in his own semen? She does explain how it all works and how FIST actually works for Nightwing which is why they know about them. You'd think they'd be more covert about it though. You know, let the FIST soldiers believe they were working for the government while pulling their strings in secret. Instead they're constantly butting in and flashing their Nightwing badges to the FIST foot soldiers. But Black Orchid has a reason how the secret stays secret even still: magic! Oh, yeah! Duh! Why am I always so critical about comic books when they're full of comic book shit?!

See? Total wet dream time. I think I just had a wet dream while awake!

I know the president doesn't look like Richard Nixon but I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be him!

The Creeper climbs out of his tunnel right in the president's bedroom and stabs Black Orchid in the back before Richard Nixon comes in his pajamas. Man, I hate when I wake up on the verge of having sex in a dream! It might be the main thing that pisses me off about life! At least let me fucking orgasm in my pants!

True story: I once had a sex dream where I was fucking a vampire lady. I was holding her down as the sun was rising as I was fucking her. I don't remember if she turned into ash as I came or if she turned into ash and kept me from completing the wet dream. The fact that I remember the dream so vividly makes me think it was a successful wet dream because I tend to remember my wet dreams forever! I still remember my first one!

Anyway, The Creeper is stopped and Gravedigger turns up to use The Creeper's soul stealing bong to steal The Creeper's soul. Which was the plan all along! Because Gravedigger works for Moore and Nightwing still! He's the informant! What a twist!

The Ranking!
You know what? By the end of the issue, it didn't turn out to be so bad! It sort of all came together and that isn't a pun on Dick Nixon coming in his PJs. More characters should have tantric magic powers and also DC should have more Mature Titles and also maybe I should just be buying pornography?

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Detective Comics Annual #5 (June 1992)

If you want to destroy Batman's sweater. . .

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Detective Comics Annual #5 (June 1992)
By Alan Grant, John Wagner, Tom Mandrake, Jan Duursema, Rick Magyar, Bill Oakley, Adrienne Roy
Cover by Sam Keith
Edited by Denny O'Neil

The Cover!
I'm not going to give Sam Keith a hard time about this cover because, I mean, it's fucking great. Did you look at it? Do you have eyeballs? Does your brain function? I suppose I could criticize Keith's vision of how clothing tears and comes apart but that would be an assumption on my part that Batman's costume isn't made of steel wool. And even if I was going to be an uptight prick and moan about the weird curly pasta threads hanging down from Batman's torn shirt, I'd only be doing Keith a disfavor in that I'm ignoring his (as far as I can tell) realistic gun. Did anybody ever think to show John Romita Jr. this cover (or, I don't know, an actual gun)? If I wanted to be a useless, whiny, piece of shit comic book reader, I could ask how the fuck this has anything to do with Eclipso? Oh, sure, there's a moon in the background and you usually (although not always) need the moon for an eclipse. I mean I don't know what those "not always" moments might be. Like, say, Galactus is fucking Venus or something and his great ass blocks out the sun. But I guess, technically, that's a moon as well. And also Galactus doesn't live in the DC Universe. So pretend I said The Authority's Carrier was fucking a space whale and got between the sun and the Earth. So, anyway, that's my ignorance exposed! But I'm telling you, why would I want to criticize this fucking cover? I love it! I bet if this hadn't been an Eclipso tie-in issue, I'd have picked it up anyway. I would have been all, "Hey Brent! Did you see this cover? I didn't know Batman's costume was made of steel wool and pasta noodles! And I think that's Tiny Toons Joker guest starring! That's a weird looking gun though." (Up until 1992, I'd only ever seen guns drawn by John Romita Jr.)

The Story So Far!
Eclipso has eclipsed Valor, Starman, The Creeper, and Star Sapphire. Am I missing any? I don't remember and I'm not bothering to check. Let's see if Batman falls to lovely purple diamonds! I mean Black Diamonds (but they're really purple). I bet Catwoman loses her shit (and not in the appropriate litter box receptacle (Goddammit I think I just developed a new kink)).

The Story
The issue begins with totally legit business-puppet Scarface re-opening his club, The Ventriloquist's Club, while Batman hassles him and his guests by just making himself obvious up on the nearby street buildings. He's purposefully swinging past streetlights so that his scary and terrifying shadow passes across the front of the club and mumbling to himself, "That'll strike terror in the hearts of these people just trying to have a nice time at a totally legal club run by somebody who has served their time for the crimes they've committed but whom I don't like or trust."

I'd sue his ass for trying to tank my business.

Imagine suing Batman and then finding out in the discovery phase of your civil suit that he's Bruce Wayne. The amount of "Cha-Chings!" rattling around in your head would probably send you straight to Arkham.

I don't know anything about law and law terms so I probably got the lingo wrong and I'm not bothering to check but you probably understood what I meant.

Batman ignores the club full of Gotham's most wanted criminals because he's got a robbery to stop down at the Old Egyptian Goods Shoppe. The criminals try to flee in their truck which is, you know, truck-sized. It's drawn truck-sized. I saw it with my own eyes over multiple pages that it was truck-sized. And then when Batman goes to stop them (by making the truck crash which obviously kills the men in the cab because they're criminals and they don't wear seatbelts), the truck becomes a fucking Mini Cooper.

I'm less concerned about the dead criminals than I am about Tom Mandrake's ability to pass off that panel as professional work.

At least I know what Tom Mandrake thinks of me early into the comic book so I won't feel bad at all when I trash all of his actually adequate and not-bad-to-look-at pencils. You don't declare I'm a stupid idiot that will accept any old shit you draw and expect me to act politely about it! If by the end of the book we don't find out that Batman was sipping on some Gingold earlier which is how he reached the steering wheel from outside the passenger door, I'm going to carve Tom Mandrake's name onto the skin of the yearly goat I sacrifice to Baphomet to curse those who have done me ill.

While Batman's engaged in M.C. Escher crime fighting, Scarface busies himself with insulting every major mafia boss in Gotham at his new club. Most of his insults have to do with plastic surgery gone wrong. Look, he's a little thug who shoots a gun, not a comedy writer. Somehow he (and the guy with his hand up his ass) survives the gig, probably because the mob bosses are using all of their brain power trying to figure out what Scarface's scheme is. I'm using all of my brain power trying to figure out what Eclipso's scheme is. Maybe he won't show up in this comic book at all since Batman doesn't have any super powers. Why would Eclipso want to possess him?

Oh no! A threat from a normal criminal who apparently wears his seatbelt while he crimes.

Batman ignores the threat because is any threat actually a threat to Batman? I bet he doesn't even hear the guy because he's too busy trying to figure out how to defeat Superman if he ever winds up mind-controlled or how to fuck Catwoman if she ever winds up mind-controlled. He does notice a Black Diamond earring on the ground near the crash after the cops have gathered up the loot and the criminals and left the scene to go enjoy some paperwork. They'll especially love the extra paperwork they'll be doing later since they just left the smashed truck and didn't cordon off the crime scene. You might be thinking, "How do you know they didn't do any of that? Maybe Al, John, and Tom just decided not to show all the boring procedural work, you fucking douchebag?" Well, they do show us because Batman calls for the cops to stop and take the Black Diamond for evidence but they've already left. And this is the scene as Batman leaves.

The cops: "Enh, leave it. It'll make a great artificial reef when the sea levels rise."

Oh! I didn't mention that tonight, this very night that Scarsfaceman and his fister are eavesdropping on all the good Gotham mafia goss while they serve them tons of free drinks and Batman has found some jewelry that hopefully Tim Drake won't think was a loving present from his second father . . . this night is the anniversary of Babs being shot in the back by the Joker and definitely not raped at all because when has, um, Alan Moore ever, um, written a . . . you know what? She was probably raped. But nobody needs to dwell on that because she's dealing with it in the best way she knows how: help a government black ops organization break tons of laws all over the world and kill loads of people labeled as enemies of the United States. Even in 1992, we understood that the best time to label a person an enemy of the United States was after you've killed them so they can't say on the record, "What the fuck are you talking about? I don't even think of the United States! Like that scene in the elevator in Mad Men that will be written in twenty years or something!" Just like everything else he claims he invented because he knows nobody will fucking say to his face, "You're a delusional narcissist who lies about everything and doesn't actually know any Goddamn facts at all," Trump didn't invent the state killing civilians and then dragging their names through the mud. That's a time honored American tradition that they stole from Great Britain who stole it from, I don't know, The Romans or Christians.

Anyway, The Joker will be broken out of Arkham on this auspicious anniversary by Scarsfaceman because The Joker, supposedly, knows where 25 million dollars has been stashed. At least that's what one of the crime guys thinks because he was a henchman for The Joker and somehow survived the job and is also incredibly credulous if he thinks The Joker actually gives a shit about money.

Cue Tim Drake snooping around the Batcave.

Bruce Gordon shows up because he's tracked a Black Diamond to Gotham. In a previous issue, he mentioned he could only track them while they're in use. The one Batman found is currently safe but there were two others in the loot from the robbery earlier. Those are in the hands of the police and there's nobody angrier than a cop who was just, in his own eyes, disrespected. That means there's probably an Eclipso or two smashing up the evidence room right now.

Commissioner Gordon finds the two gems still on an Egyptian statue. I was trying to give Grant and company the benefit of the doubt for breaking an rule established in an earlier annual. If Bruce Gordon can track the Black Diamonds while they're not active, this whole series is going to get pretty boring. The whole set-up is simply to get Commissioner Gordon's hands on one so that he'll be so angry at The Joker that he'll turn into Eclipso and strip The Joker naked and take loads of photos and also shoot him in the spine and probably almost certainly doesn't at all in any way, shape, or form rape him. That's probably what happens. I can just stop reading now, right?

Of course it's happening! You forgot to tell them the most important rule: don't get angry around the Black Diamonds!

Gordon's Eclipso manifestation, a massive twenty-foot tall monster with huge teeth and claws, smashes its way out of the police precinct and heads for the toy warehouse where the cops have surrounded The Joker and Scarsfaceman's gang. When it gets there, it immediately kills at least three cops which means Commissioner Gordon is a cop killer. Although I think the Comics Code Authority jerks demanded a later panel to make sure Gordon's hands were clean of any cop blood:

I mean, it is a miracle because I saw the way Tom Mandrake drew them all being gutted. But then I also learned not to believe that hack on page three.

While giving chase, Batman drops and breaks Bruce Gordon's solar light gun. That means he can't stop Eclipso now! Except we, the readers, know that some of the toys in The Joker's warehouse are lightsaber knock-offs called "solar lances". Well, they have "solar" in the name so they must have the same power as the sun, right? Not just shitty light enabled by two 'D' batteries.

During the fight, Batman crashes into a crate of solar lances where he reads the label: "Powered by the sun." Well, that's all well and good if only the toy hadn't been stashed in a crate for the last number of years and it was now currently night and there's no way the stupid thing would be charged.

Wait a second. I think I see my problem with this comic book. It can be sorted out with a hammer and three hard whacks to the back of my head. *whack whack whack* Ah! That's better. I'm now dumb enough to enjoy a comic book again!

Batman picks up a Solar Lance which, having been charged by the sun, has the power to defeat Eclipso. So like something out of one of the two good Star Wars movies, Batman strikes Eclipso down!

Jim had to help for psychological health reasons. This was him dealing with his anger at Alan Moore.

Scarface and The Ventriloquist are arrested after everything calms down but The Joker manages to escape in a cloud of smoke, ninja style. An editor's note says that his story will be continued in Robin Annual #1 because of course Tim Drake found that Black Diamond Batman left lying around and was all, "Stupid teenager problems. I hate everybody!" Which will mean he'll have to kill everybody once he Eclipses. The main Eclipso story will continue in Superman Annual #4.

The Ranking!
That was fucking awesome, man! Incredible! What art! What story! And that part where Batman reaches in the truck window to steer the criminals into a streetlight? Phenomenal! The twist ending with the lightsabers? Genius! And I'm all on pins and needles about The Joker escaping! At least I think that's why I'm feeling pins and needles everywhere. Where'd all this blood come from? Whose hammer is that? I think I'm going to go lie down for a spell.

Justice League Quarterly #5 (Winter 1991)

80 pages?! Dear God in Heaven, why? WHY DID YOU LET ME BUY THIS 33 YEARS AGO?!

I should probably do a little research into where the Justice League were in the winter of 1991. Judging by the cover, Silver Sorceress was still alive. Or was she? I don't know. Does it matter? Aren't these quarterlies just any old Justice League tale that never got told but some editor somewhere thought, "That's good enough to gouge readers for another $2.95 every three months!" That's barely hyperbole! Look at the roster down the side. A General Glory story? Who gives a shit? The Global Guardians? Nobody fucking cares! Fire and Ice? Well, okay, I'm here for that one. And also it reminds me I need to read their Smallville series that came out not too long ago that my friend JT keeps punching me in the balls about. That means he keeps telling me I need to read it because I will fucking love it and I believe him but I just haven't made it a priority in my life yet! Maybe in 2025! Life's goal in 2025: read a very specific comic book. I think I can do that!

The first story is by Mark Waid so it can't be too bad, can it? Not that I've read enough by Mark Waid to really have any opinion on his writing but I've heard good things! Although, to be fair, I've also heard people say good things about Scott Lobdell's writing. So I either have to admit that sometimes bad writers write something decent, or maybe other people aren't trustworthy enough to have their own opinions. Having never read anything decent by Scott Lobdell, I'm suspecting the latter half of the previous statement is true. Y'all just don't know what you're fucking talking about. Guys, maybe just leave the observations about reality to me, an expert. I don't want to hear about how you remember some of Lobdell's X-men run fondly. You were probably a stupid kid with an incomplete brain and a hot mom. Just try to forget those obviously false memories and listen to your Uncle (or Aunt? I don't know) Tess. I'll tell you just how terrible Lobdell is. And also how hot your mom is. Does she have an email?

Who is this kid? Why should I care about him? He's a robot, isn't he?

That's how the story begins. The mailman is definitely a robot. I saw the other half of his face and it's like a broken toaster. The cool thing about a broken toaster is that it's like every other mechanical device you can think of: they don't make toast. But there's a downside there somewhere. Also, I could be wrong. Can a Cybertruck make toast? I mean on purpose?

I know everybody is different but I've never had a conversation this long with my mailman. The longest conversation was probably some years back when my good feline buddy Judas was still alive. I had gone two houses down to bring him in from the yard he decided he loved to hang out in as an old man. As I was walking past the neighbor's house between, the mailman was coming down the walk. He saw me carrying Judas lovingly, smiled, and said, "Oh! He hissed at me!" I laughed and said, "Yeah, he doesn't like people." Re-telling that story, I probably should have just hissed at the mailman too.

Something Twilight Zone-esque is taking place in this town as those guys in the suits and crew cuts on the cover go marching down the street to remove somebody from the town. But that's all we get! Time to learn our days of the week! Thanks, Mark Waid! I've been having some trouble with Blurtsday!

Even if I could figure out the memory trick Waid is using to remember the days of the week, how do I remember Thursday?!

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday all collapse, falling into a coma after an encounter with one of the crew cutted men in suits. That's okay though because even by 1991, nobody gave a shit about Geoforce, Valor, and Red Star. Sure, Valor was about to start his own ongoing book that would last for two years. But nobody gave a shit about it. Double sure, I bought it too. But I didn't care about Valor! I was just into buying new comic books! Okay, maybe my assessment of Valor's popularity was wrong. But even if Geoforce wasn't universally regarded as the most boring member of The Outsiders, Red Star was definitely a three hour trip to Snoozeville. Even in Wolfman's Titans, Red Star was more boring than Cyborg when Cyborg lost his personality and was left a broken toaster.

Hey! I know a cool fact about broken toasters!

Back to Thursday, it stars Blue Beetle and Guy Gardner reading DC's version of Weekly World News until they discover the weekday mnemonic for Thursday.

Thursday: Rebis.

No wait. I stand corrected. This is from the Weekly World News (see? It's teaching us about the week!) so I bet Rebis was Sunday. Thursday actually turns out to be Starman who nearly crashes on top of Blue Beetle and Guy Gardner which totally would have killed Blue Beetle. They take him to J'onn so he can examine him and see if he can get his dick hard. Hmm, well, he does examine Starman but he doesn't do the thing where he tries to get his dick hard. Isn't that a standard part in a physical examination?

Oh no. I think I just had a breakthrough.

J'onn believes the culprit behind heroes having their powers stolen is Professor Ivo, the jerk who built Amazo. He calls together a team to investigate: Blue Beetle, Guy Gardner, Elongated Man, Silver Sorceress, Power Girl, Rocket Red, The Flash, Ice, and Metamorpho. So basically Justice League Europe, really. And Blue Beetle winds up being useless because the plan is to use their various super-powered members as bait to lure Amazo's power stealing, suit wearing robots.

Everybody partners up so that nobody gets taken unawares and poor Ice and Power Girl wind up with Guy Gardner. They walk right into one of Amazo's robots who instantly steals Power Girl's power. I guess he probably can't steal Guy's power since it comes from the ring and why would he want Ice's power?

You know what? I feel bad for saying that! One of the main themes of this story that I just skipped over because I thought it was Ice just feeling sorry for herself was how she's decided to head home because nobody respects her power. She's the Aquaman of the current League. J'onn tried to give her a pep talk that was actually a bit insulting because instead of saying, "No, no! Your powers are amazing!", he kept saying things like, "You give the League heart!" and "You give the League soul!" She's not the League's cheerleader, J'onn! I guess you can't expect a Martian to understand how to cheer up a human.

You definitely can't expect Guy Gardner to understand how to cheer up a human. What an asshole!

Ice is the only person on the League who can stand you, you stupid fucking ragehole! Treat her with respect! How the hell did I ever like this guy?! No, no. Don't say that, me! I know exactly why I liked him: because comic books are written by various writers and they all write the characters in slightly different ways. You can't expect every writer to write a character in the manner that you would like! Some writers see Guy Gardner and treat him with respect, trying to understand his anger issues and his brain trauma, like when Charles Soule wrote Guy in Red Lanterns. And some writers see Guy as the raging fucking monster he is and turn him into an abusive boyfriend who should have had his dick torn off by Batman instead of just punched in the face. Like, um, Mark Waid here! When Dan Vado was writing him (that's in the future as far as this issue is concerned!), I hated it because he just made Guy a major sex pest who wouldn't leave any of the women alone. Later, it turned out it was a Guy Gardner robot but I think editorial was all, "Dude. That's not the way Guy is an asshole. Yes, he acts like a womanizer. But he doesn't go around grabbing pussies and hinting that he can't wait to do anal to an Amazon." (I just made that last one up. Don't go looking for it. Although, hell, it might be in there somewhere!) But this might be the worst Guy's ever been Guy'd! The way he shits on Ice here is pure domestic abuse! It's awful! It's so extreme! If Guy's various attitudes were data sets to determine just how much of a dick he is, this one would have to be ignored as an outlier. I'm going to forget I ever read it even!

Guy gets smashed in the back of the head by a hunk of ice when the Amazo robot breaks out of the block. Maybe he'll be nice again when he gains consciousness!

The robot ignores Ice because, well, you know. We don't have to keep saying it. She already feels as bad as she can feel about her shitty powers. Instead of trying to follow the robot by making an ice slide because DC might get sued by Marvel, Ice decides to steal Guy's ring and become a Green Lantern for the day. She can't outright steal it but she does wish she could use it and Guy hears her wish as he passes out and passes the ring on to her. See? Guy's nice again!

This might sound sexist because it is but does Ice really need to be useful with an ass like that? Um, asking for my super sexist friend.

Using the ring when she could have used an ice slide, Ice follows Ivo's robot to an island far off the coast. There she discovers Ivo's home: an idyllic little village full of robots trying to be human and not making any toast at all. Being that Ice has no willpower because she's full of self-loathing exacerbated by people like Guy and Beetle and Booster and even Fire (who is often patronizing), she can't do anything to stop Ivo or his robots. She does manage to make the ring disappear so that Ivo doesn't take it but that's probably because that's kind of a self-loathing power. She winds up getting thrown in a cell and forgotten about.

Meanwhile, Guy Gardner points out that he can track his ring with his power battery which enables the League to follow Ice to Ivo's hideout. See? Ice is helpful! Plus she psychoanalyzes Ivo while the rest of the League bumble around the island.

Ivo wants to kill himself?! But there wasn't a self-harm warning on the cover!

I hope this story ends with J'onn J'onzz speaking directly to the reader and saying, "If you or anybody you know feels like eating a shotgun, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at the following number! Remember, it gets slightly better! Sometimes."

Basically, if the League hadn't gotten involved, Ivo's robots would simply kill him and nobody would have to worry about Ivo ever again. But I guess the world would lose Geoforce, Red Star, Valor, Rebis, Starman, and Power Girl as well. I'd like to say it's worth it but I can't accept the loss of Rebis. So I guess this story did need to be told and the League did need to get involved. So that Rebis can live! Also so that Ice can gain some self-confidence when she saves the day and everybody exclaims, "Yay! Ice's ass is super fantastic!"

The huge battle depicted on the cover finally breaks out which I almost praised as being a cover that didn't lie about the story inside. But I can't do that, can I, friends? Can you see where the cover artist made a mistake? Hmm? Can you? That's right. Guy has his ring on the cover and is using it! Shame on you, DC! Lying to your fans once again. I only purchased this comic book to see Guy use his ring like on the cover and he doesn't even have it.

During the battle, Silver Sorceress and Elongated Man share a joke that I actually enjoy. But then immediately following that humorous moment, Professor Ivo tells Ice all about how his mother died when he was in college and he never visited her because he was afraid of death and now he was so more afraid of death than the average everybody, he became immortal but now because he looks ugly and his organs hurt, he's not afraid of death anymore and he wants mommy. Who hurt you, Mark Waid? Was it your mother? When you were in college? And she died? And you became immortal?

That was my impression of a reader who doesn't understand how fiction writing works! Thank you, thank you! Instead of throwing roses, you can just send cash!

During the fight, Martian Manhunter takes the absolute piss out of Blue Beetle for no fucking reason at all.

Cut to Blue Beetle watching on a monitor in the Bug, tears silently filling up his goggles.

Why would Ivo's Man-in-Black Amazo want to go after Blue Beetle in particular? He has no powers to steal so why focus on him? Martian Manhunter going this hard on a ploy that shouldn't have actually worked just seems cruel. My guess is that Blue Beetle ate so many of J'onn's Oreos when Ted was fat that J'onn still resents him for it.

This story only has seven pages left so I'm going to assume that smashing Ivo's robot with a train destroyed it. Another one gets taken out in an even weaker way by Silver Sorceress, Elongated Man, and Guy Gardner.

Since when does Guy aim to please? Have I been reading the wrong Guy Gardner appearances?

Silver Sorceress could have sent the robot to her old homeworld but I guess she's trying to be more responsible about sending automata to different worlds. So she just teleports it a dozen meters away so that it crashes through a power line and, I guess, shorts out. That's two down! I hope the third one gets taken out by Blue Beetle scrunching up his face and hunching up his back and slicing his dick down the middle while yelling, "Look at me! I'm a Martian freak! Don't you want my power to beat everything except a Bic Lighter and a Toaster Oven!"

I'm assuming J'onn's Martian penis is bifurcated. I don't have any proof of it. It doesn't explicitly describe J'onn's penis in the Who's Who for some reason.

Meanwhile, Immortan Ivo continues his tale of woe to Ice. He explains that he's becoming a living statue and that scares him more than becoming a decaying corpse. Weird. Neither seems ideal but I think I'd try the statue thing for a few million years, see how it pans out.

Ivo jams a screwdriver into his urethra to prove he's hard as iron. Ice fails her Sanity saving throw and now she has a new kink.

Blue Beetle fails to stop a robot which isn't surprising and I'm not even sure why I mentioned it. At least he doesn't die. But I shouldn't be too hard on Beetle because, actually, everybody failed to stop the robots. Hitting them with a train didn't do it. Teleporting them into a power line didn't do it. Capturing them in a lead ball didn't do it. Screaming like a dying rabbit while one pushes a house on top of you didn't do it. They're as immortal as Professor Ivo!

Ivo decides he's had enough explaining why he wants to die and he orders the robots back to him to kill him. The Justice League have to watch them walk away because now they need to save the powerless Blue Beetle and Guy Gardner from the civilian robots about to slaughter them.

The doctors told his mother that? As she was killed by six super-powered robots?!

When somebody's dying of cancer, do people often glibly point out to them that nobody should have to die like that? It's true, I guess. But it presupposes there are ways that people should have to die. But wait! Hear me out! What if nobody ever had to die? Has anybody thought of that yet (aside from Professor Ivo and Victor Frankenstein)?! I bet death already has been cured but probably by racists. So they're all, "If we put this out on the market, we can't just sell it to white people! Every race will become immortal!" And all the racists were all, "We'd rather die." Jerks!

Ivo's plan doesn't work. The robots just wind up killing themselves while he still lives. Ice's prison is destroyed in the blast and she comes out to comfort the man. That's when she accidentally cures him of his immortality with the Green Lantern ring. She doesn't kill him! She just releases him from the pain of his organs hardening. Guy Gardner assures everybody that what she did was impossible and he's never been able to make his ring heal afflictions. Maybe he should let Ice keep the ring? The team needs a Green Lantern bashing heads far less than somebody who could constantly provide medical aid during a fight!

Professor Ivo gladly goes to prison where he'll probably die before getting out again. How is that better than living forever?! Ivo really is nuts. Although I am ignoring the massive amount of pain that he's constantly in. I hear that'll drive people to wish for death. It would drive me to wish for a way to stop feeling pain that also kept me alive though. Like Ice making a wish on a Green Lantern ring. Then I'd be all, "I didn't cause all the trouble! My robots did that on their own! See this community I made? It's gentle and loving and idyllic! Those stupid business robots went crazy the way business people do! I'm innocent!" Then J'onn would have read my mind and been all, "You're coming with me, you monster."

The next story is a Fire and Ice story and it looks like, um, it might be about suicide as well? What the fuck, Justice League Quarterly?!

Or misogynist incel murder. But that probably ends in suicide anyway.

This story asks the burning question of our time: can an old man become a spree killing incel? Bill Loebs seems to think the answer is "Of course! Who wouldn't go nuts with a pistol if Ice refused to fuck you?!"

This issue is really going hard on the idea that Ice has to support everybody emotionally. Stop trauma dumping on my girl!

In this story, we learn that Fire flames on when she orgasms.

I guess editor Brian Augustyn doesn't perform oral sex on women or he never would have let this joke through.

We also learn that Ice's main super power is stopping people from killing themselves.

Are the winter issues always this dark?

What we don't learn is that Ice is irritatingly nice because we already knew that. We aren't reminded that she has a great ass because she's wearing big old shorts the entire time.

Do I even need to mention the final two stories and what we learned from them? Does anybody even want to learn anything more about General Glory and the Global Guardians? Maybe I should just pretend that I read them and scan a few panels and bullshit my way through explaining them! No, no! That wouldn't be right. I'm certainly not going to do that at all.

The main conflict in the Global Guardians is Godiva's front wedgie.

Why would she shave her pubic hair and deny herself the extra fighting power?

After Tuatara helps Godiva pull out the front wedgie, disaster strikes!

A wild back wedgie appears!

Realizing she can't tackle this problem along, Godiva forms a group for Constant Wedgie Sufferers.

With the help of a woman in loose clothing and conversation bashing males, Godiva's wedgies are cured! The End!

I mean Godiva's problem is cured later! She's still suffering from wedgies at that first meeting depicted above.

Does anybody even care about the General Glory story? No? You all hate him too? Okay, good, because he was killed in this story.

Is there any reason I can't adopt "Heil Hitler, suckers!" as my new catch phrase when I cropdust somebody at a Con?

Justice League Quarterly #5 Rating: --. When I was younger, I loved getting an 80 page comic book! But now I pick one up and sigh. They're too long. They're usually some kind of collection of throwaway stories that don't matter at all to canon or the characters themselves. Often they're full of stories written or drawn by newbies to the company and it shows. And these quarterlies always feel they need to highlight characters that don't get as much attention in the pages of Justice League, or were just side characters in various stories that nobody needed a chance to catch up with. I guess they can be fun and these probably were fun the first time I read them when I was eager to read as much comic book shit as possible. But now I just want to pretend I don't have five more Quarterlies to go! I think I'll space them out so I don't completely burn out and stop reading, writing, thinking, and enjoying stuff for the next few years. It's happened before! Why do you think I barely wrote anything on and off for the last few years? I was burned out and also I got addicted to watching gambling streams on Twitch. I guess that's better than being addicted to gambling itself but thinking about the time I spent watching hurts my soul. Man, just mentioning them makes me want to go check some out! Maybe just for a few minutes!

Scooby Apocalypse #12

This Velman pose makes my butt wet.

The Review!
This month, the Scooby Gang are in Portland! I should probably annotate that with the state (Oregon) because I don't want to piss off all them Maine Portland fans who are all "Ayuh! Yuh reap what yuh sow!" Now I've probably pissed off a whole other set of fans who are furiously typing into the comments section "That was Bangor or Castle Rock you're thinking...excuse me while I push my nerd glasses up higher on my nose in an aggressively intellectual pause...of!" I hate fangenders of every kind! Why are they so mad when I shit all over their favorite thing?! My asshole has opinions that can't be stopped by anything short of Velma's finger! Or two fingers. Maybe three. Mmm. You know what? Let's try four!

Oh. Excuse me. According to the location box, they're in Seattle. I was just confused since the freeway signs indicate they're in Portland.

Shaggy and Fred makes sure to have the "It's so incredibly hard to believe but we're becoming friends!" conversation on page three before all the cynical readers snort and think, "I can't believe they're all becoming friends!" It's been twelve issues of the same argument between Velma and Daphne so I'm just relieved that Keith and J.M. are declaring that that part of the story has been resolved. No more arguing about whose fault the worldwide plague is (because it was Velma's). Now it's time to become the meddling kids we all knew and loved for a few years of our lives before we realized Scrappy Doo was an insufferable bastard.

The Scooby Gang are in Seattle (or on their way? No, no. I think they're supposed to be in Seattle and not just about to drive over the I-5 bridge in Portland no matter what the visual evidence says) to find Rufus, Velma's brother. Supposedly he can help in some way that was explained earlier but I wasn't paying attention because I was typing "NSFW VELMA" into my search window.

Velma's brother is a caricature of some famous person that I just can't put my finger on. Captain Kangaroo, maybe? Rufus has attracted the love and adoration of Seattle's most monstrous and disgusting inhabitants. I feel like that's a clue to the person Rufus is supposed to represent. A demagogue with monstrous followers? That could still be Captain Kangaroo!

Velma and the gang (minus Fred who was forced to sit in the Mystery Machine because he had a broken leg and also because he wouldn't stop hitting on Daphne and we're not to the part of the patriarchal wet dream story where the beautiful woman eventually gives in to the loser protagonist and declares that she also loves him) make it up to Rufus's office, knock on the door, and announce themselves. Rufus is all, "Say hello to my little friend (who is actually kind of big and sort of sawed-off!)"

The Scrappy Doo back-up story takes place in Walnut Creek, California (which means it's probably happening in Oakland). Scrappy meets a one-armed kid named Cliffy and puts a leash on him. Now Scrappy has somebody to talk to that isn't a snarling cybernetic dog-thing.

The Ranking!
No change! If you like Scooby Doo but want to read something that doesn't have the heart or feeling of the original cartoon series but has characters who solve their problems with violence who share the names of characters from the cartoon who solved their problems with logic and deduction, you'll love this comic book! Also if you don't like Scooby Doo but like those things I listed. Actually, your relationship with the original Scooby Doo has no bearing on what you'll think of this comic book since it has no bearing on the cartoon.

Scooby Apocalypse #11

Thanks for reminding me that Kenneth Rocafort's terrible art exists, comic book cover!

Apparently if you have anxiety about having a possible heart attack and feel an impending sense of doom, if you look up symptoms for a heart attack online, you'll find one of them is anxiety with an impending sense of doom! Who knew I've been having a heart attack for three quarters of my entire life!

That was Tess's Health Corner! Where the most likely not too healthy come to distract themselves from their impending thoughts of doom, tightness in the chest, and that incessant pain in their left arm.

The Review!
-1! I prefer Howard Porter's art to Dale Eaglesham's. That's a personal opinion that shouldn't reflect on my usually completely and utterly objective reviews of comic books. But since I was already disappointed in the art, it wasn't long before I was also disappointed in the story. It continues to have nothing to say. I'm not completely surprised by that since Giffen and DeMatteis have learned the secret of collecting easy paychecks. First you write a story with about five or six jokes in it. That's the first issue. In the second issue, you repeat all of the jokes and most of the dialogue and revelations from the first issue but in a different location. See how moving from one place to another makes it seem like the plot has advanced when really the characters haven't grown at all? So far that's been Scooby Apocalypse in a nutshell.

The good thing (I think you're supposed to add good things to critical reviews to make them seem non-biased although if something is utter crap, it seems unreasonable to expect a critic to figure out something nice to say. Nice people who don't think "This fucking sucks!" is a good enough review are ruining the world!) about this issue is it seems to finally put to rest the mistrust felt between different characters. Eleven issues in and the group has finally come together, declaring themselves friends and meddling kid detectives. Maybe now the plot can move forward!

There's also a back-up story that introduces Rufus Dinkley. He's the businessman brother of Velma and he's a huge turd. The good thing about him is he has a lot of money. See how I can say good and bad things, thus proving I'm an excellent reviewer! He's probably been introduced so the reader realizes the Scooby Gang has a goal. Find Rufus and help him! Or, more likely, kick his teeth in.

Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #2

Fathers reunited with imaginary versions of their daughters! Daughters reconciled with homophobic fathers! Ugly ass babies being born! And now a boring fucking wedding?! What the fuck, Convergence?! Where are all the corpses?!

When did Convergence go from Multiversal Thunderdome to Young Romance Comics?! Not that I'm upset, mind you. But before I put my dick in my hand, I want to know if I'll be pleasuring myself to romance or violence! You can't just spring a wedding on me when I'm expecting Hawkpeople to be disemboweling decapitated heads! The most I can hope for is that the wedding takes place on page one and the other twenty-something pages take place in the honeymoon bed and then along the floor and then into the shower and then upside down on the counter in front of the mirror and then hanging off the balcony and then on Koriand'r's face. I just love romance! Especially extended, hard pumping romance!

Last issue, Hawkman was all, "I'm going to bite your face off, Dick!" And Hawkwoman was all, "That's so gro...oh! I heard you wrong. Never mind." And Oracle was all, "Take cover, Hawkfucks! Your gooses are cooked!" And then she laughed at her own joke for five minutes.

The hair is going up! Shit is getting serious!

I made a handy chart when I began writing screenplays for Hollywood years ago that helps me to write women better! It looks like this:

Writing a serious woman? Have her put her hair up!
Writing a sexy woman? Have her take her hair down!
Writing an innocent and naive woman? Give her bangs!
Writing a confident, well-rounded, intelligent woman with a few human flaws and frailties to really give her character depth? Just make her a man!

Nightwing has gone off to battle the Hawks while Oracle stays behind in Gotham pretending to be a coward. But really she's saving the day. And this day is really important because it's the day that all the heroes must fight to the death to save their cities. None of them seem to be obeying the rules though, at least not in the previous Issue Twos that I've read. They're just ignoring the fight and getting on with their lives. That seems reasonable since none of these heroes kill, so how can they participate in a murder contest?

Nightwing's opening gambit is to crash the Batwing on top of their heads.

Hawkwoman's opening move is better: call Nightwing an Earth Monkey! The truth of the statement has got to sting.

Nightwing was actually in a vehicle called the Rocketwing. It's part cocoon and part motorcycle and part trampoline. Just what every acrobat needs! Dick springs out of it like a dick out of a zipper! He goes after Hawkwoman first which makes Oracle really uncomfortable because Hawkwoman has a lot of sexy skin (and other attributes that are even sexier than skin!) showing.

Oracle gets in a helicopter to go slap Hawkwoman into some clothing. Meanwhile she leaves a fully robed figure behind in her clocktower computer lair slash apartment slash rave-space. As she flies to the battle, Nightwing continues to surprise the Hawks with his skill and his good cheer and his optimism and his finely honed glutes. The eczema sticks he fights with aren't very interesting. Even if they were spelled correctly.

Is "peacock" a joke about Dick's name?

The robed figure is Black Canary. She was in a robe because fishnets get cold on planets out of space and time. Also she was hiding from the flying, spying, listening bacon making machines. Oracle called her in so she could scream into the Absorbascons and cause the Hawks to go deaf. Then they'd lose their balance and fly into walls and vomit all over themselves. What a hilarious prank!

Some people would have typed "what an hilarious prank" but those people are pretentious jerkos!

Black Canary screams and the Hawks are all, "Eek! Ouch! No fair!"

Watch it, Hawkwoman! She means business! Notice her hair is up?

Hawkwoman smashes Oracle's helicopter with her mace. Instead of making a small dent, it destroys the fucking aircraft because her mace is electrified. It's also probably made out of Nth Metal. That'll teach Babs to make helicopters out of anything but inertrite. Babs crashes, crawls out of the wreckage, and climbs into her wheelchair. Hawkwoman, being ableist as fuck and gross and icky too, begins to walk away figuring that a crippled woman that just barely survived a helicopter crash has been defeated. But Babs pulls out her excretion sticks and calls Hawkwoman "Buzzard Girl." Yeesh. Have some respect! At least call her Buzzard Woman.

The name calling causes Oracle to get punched in the face really, really hard.

Of course she underestimates Babs! Her hair is down! Who wouldn't think they could easily defeat a sexy woman in a wheelchair?

Nightwing has defeated Hawkman and Black Canary, monitoring Oracle's computer program, hacks the Brainiac bots so they can destroy the bacon-making machines. The Hawks are defeated. Instead of killing the Hawks like the rules clearly state, Oracle invites them to live in Gotham. Does she also invite all of the other citizens of Flashpoint Gotham? Are they simply condemned to die? Maybe I should turn the page to find out instead of assuming the worst.

Nope. No offer of salvation. They're all doomed to die! Except we all know, every DC reader in the world, that all of the cities will be saved! Even the bad ones full of bad people who are totally bad.

At the wedding, Dick mentions an earthquake. That was also mentioned in Convergence: Superman #2! It must be Skartaris collapsing on top of Telos and freeing everybody from Brainiac's control. What happens to all the cities on this planet after that? I guess that's DC Editorial's decision!

Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #2 Rating: I see what's going on now! The writers on Convergence were told to write a story bringing back characters from past DC Timelines. But they weren't just supposed to bring them back as they were! They were supposed to make some kind of big change to them to make their returns more meaningful! So in The Titans, Roy Harper got Lian Harper back from the dead. In Superman, Clark and Lois had little Jonathan Samuel Kent. In The Question, Renee Montoya was to get back with Batwoman or have her father die or redeem Two-face or all of those. And in this one, Babs and Dick were married. So instead of all of these Convergence issues ending with some heroes and cities meeting their dooms, they're just making a huge change to these old characters. The actual Multiversal Thunderdome part of it kind of disappears in each Issue #2 as the main threat is taken care of behind the scenes in the Convergence Weekly book.

Divergence: Midnighter
"Spinning out of Grayson comes a solo series starring the man who can predict your every move ... but no one will be able to predict what he'll do next!"

Why should anybody be able to predict what Midnighter will do next? Those two statements really have nothing to do with each other except that they both have the word "predict" in them. Get rid of the fucking "but!" Hee hee. Fucking butt.

The Sneak Peek begins with a surprise scene that nobody could have predicted!

Midnighter wears Batman underwear?! I mean, Midnighter and Apollo aren't together?! I couldn't figure out which was more shocking so I went with both but put them in "most shocking to me" order.

This is more proof that DC Comics is afraid of female sexuality. They don't care about gay sexuality as long as it's between two men because this comic still has a Teen Rating. But if this were Batwoman? Or Catwoman? Teen Plus, baby! Maybe it's mostly because they're old fashioned and still believe that the majority of comic book readers are heterosexual males. So male readers (unless they're gay!) won't be titillated by this and thus it doesn't need a Teen Plus Rating. But if a heterosexual male were to read Batwoman kissing Renee on the lips and then down the neck and then along the breasts and then on her erect nipples and then on her underboob and then on her...I just lost interest in continuing that sentence for some reason. You get the idea!

Midnighter rushes out of bed to go murder some Warrior-style gang members who have already killed four people.

I was just speaking of pantloads earlier when I lost interest in my sentence!

The gang members have a gun that turns people into demons. But Midnighter notices that the bullets are "body-snatcher bullets" which transmit information allowing aliens to beam down into the bodies of the victims. Midnighter kills one because it beamed into one of the gang members. But one of the shots of the gun went wild and hit a little girl standing nearby. That alien he just threatens while mentioning some of the classic work he's done as a member of Stormwatch (unless he's never been a member! What's the status on Stormwatch since the Crayola Timelords?! I forget!). The alien flees and Midnighter walks off through the fire and blood and general destruction caused when he saved everybody's lives. The end!

I'm sure Apollo will wind up being a frequent guest star, right? Right?!