Nightwing Rebirth #1

Why is Nightwing's ass so tiny?

The Review!
This comic book is about Dick Grayson finally coming out of the closet. It might look like a comic book about Dick Grayson returning to the mantle of Nightwing but the clues say otherwise! Clue #1: Dick Grayson doesn't have sex with any women in the whole book! Clue #2: Midnighter helps Dick get control of the giant pink beast with the dildo on its head living inside of him. It's a metaphor! Clue #3: the final page is Dick walking out of the Bat-closet in his Nightwing uniform. Clue #4: Batman and Dick continuously call the Court of Owls the Parliament of Owls. No wait. That clue doesn't prove anybody is gay. It just proves Tim Seeley is smarter than Scott Snyder. Because a group of owls is a Parliament and not a Court! So it makes more sense. Which is why the elite Owls are in the Parliament of Owls! The Court of Owls are just low level losers in Gotham who suck because Scott Snyder really fucked up that opportunity. Or maybe Scott just didn't want to confuse everybody by having a Parliament of Owls and a Parliament of Trees, since he was writing Swamp Thing and Batman at the same time. None of that is proof that this book is about Dick Grayson coming out of the closet but I figured the evidence was so obvious that I had some room for a digression.

The Commentary!
Nightwing could really us some blue fringe around his calves. I think it would really complete they look. And maybe he shouldn't try so hard with the tousled hair. And those sticks are mighty phallic. And the...oh! I get it. I see what demographic DC is going for.

Nightwing explains where he got his name so that any new readers picking up this comic book due to the obviously gay hero on the front will know where it came from. Dick doesn't want anybody thinking his post-Robin persona was also influenced by Batman! It was one of Superman's Kryptonian urban legends that inspired Dick's new name. He liked the name because it was also a dig at Batman. See, the Nightwing was a legendary creature that was a catalyst for change and a rebuilder. Obviously you only need somebody to rebuild that which has been broken down. In essence, Dick was telling Batman that he was breaking all of the shit with his sourpuss methods and Dick was not going to continue that pattern. Also Dick knew Batman's bat-panties would get into a huge twist when he learned Dick's new persona was inspired by Superman.

Nightwing finishes his introductory monologue by saying "Because I may have lost Nightwing, but I never lost D. I. C. K." Oh yeah. Totes homo rebirth!

Dick is hanging out with Damian at a Gotham arcade as the real story begins. It's full of important moments like learning that an arcade in Gotham has survived for twenty years and Damian's favorite arcade game is called Cheese Viking. The reader doesn't learn yet what Dick is back in Gotham to take care of. That's because he has to have a flashback to all the schoolgirl vagina that was constantly trying to wrap itself around his dick.

Jim and Juan are Dick's buttocks.

In the flashback, the reader learns that Helena is taking up the role of The Huntress to go star in a comic book with Batgirl where they'll probably moon over Dick Grayson every month.

Damian has something wrong with his head or eyes which he pretends is just eye strain from playing Cheese Viking. So obviously Damian has brain cancer and will be dead in a few months.

Dick also has a couple of flashbacks about other people who want to fuck him, like Tony the Tiger and Midnighter. He tells Damian all about how much everybody wants to fuck him. He's all, "Oh yeah. My dick hasn't seen the light of day in months! And not because it's been in my underwear! If you get my meaning. Do you get my meaning? Has Bruce had the sex talk with you yet?"

For his help catching a bunch of God Garden technology and monsters, Midnighter gives Dick a motorcycle handbrake with a balloon attached to it. He tells Dick that it will help the kid, so I guess it cures brain cancer. So Dick sticks the device up Damian's nose and claims he just vacuumed out a bomb stuck there by the Court of Owls. But he does this after Narration Boxing about how "lying, manipulation, and duplicity aren't really his thing...except when they are." So he's definitely lying to Damian about why he stuck a Yamaha handbrake up Damian's nose.

That's when Batman appears and jumps to the conclusion that Dick and Damian are getting fucked up on whip-its. But Dick explains that he's actually just sticking Midnighter's Gaydiation Device up Damian's nose to make him gay. Every gay person is issued one when they're turned gay by other gays. That's totally how that works.

Also the bomb thing might actually be true and Batman knew about it and it was so Dick could be controlled by the Court of Owls. But now it's out and the Court doesn't know any better, so they still think Dick has to be friendly to them. Now if only Dick could remove whatever Batman stuck in Dick's butt so that Dick will stop doing whatever Batman says.

Meanwhile, the Court of Owls has a meeting about their aesthetic. They decide the white masks are too showy and switch them out for black masks. Also they kill Lincoln March because his ego was getting in the way and the Court of Owls is supposed to be cool as neutral cucumbers. It's all about balance and you don't spell balance L-I-N-C-O-L-N! I don't think.

Dick takes up the mantle of Nightwing once again. His main objective is to destroy the Court of Owls from the inside. I hope he completes that task in one issue because I don't know if I'm ready for more Court of Owls stories. Even if they have new masks!

Batman #50

These fucking variant covers have ruined my entire New 52 collection of comic books!

Rating: Remaining steady at 5 of 51 DC Comics. I certainly have problems with some of the crap happening in the current Batman story, "Superheavy" (which is ending now so I'm going to start forgetting the problems immediately), but at least this comic book is telling atypical stories. Not that a Riddler story followed by a Joker story followed by an amnesiac Bruce Wayne are atypical! But Snyder is coming at them in imaginative ways. New 52 Batman has been all about telling big stories about Batman and his most iconic villains (as well as some new ones that became even iconicker than some of his most well-known enemies!). The only problem with this comic book is that it's been too consistently good. By comparison, DC has been serving up a lot of fucking crap every month. It would be nice if the people running DC would look at the Batman title and think, "Hey look! Well-written, thoughtful stories sell! Maybe we should hire more writers who actually have something to say!" Instead they just kept on the same old thought train and said," Hey look! Batman sells well! Let's put Batman in every other fucking book we publish!" Lazy bastards.

• Bruce Wayne has regained his memory via a method that we're just not going to talk about anymore. I've boxed it up and put it in the attic behind the spooky full length mirror with the musty sheet over it. Now we can simply move on and when anybody asks, "What did you think of that story where Batman and the Joker died and then Bruce forgot he was Batman while Alfred gathered the children of Gotham so he could put them all in danger?", we can stab them in the throat and stuff them in a box and put it behind the mirror too.

• People really like to read things that let them say, "Ooh! Meta-textual commentary! Smartsies!" And Scott Snyder likes to fill his Batman comic book with that kind of thing. But you know what is also smart? Writing a story about Batman that's just a fucking story about Batman that says something about Batman and doesn't have to also be a story about how the fans have been desperate for Batman to return. Subtext doesn't have to be meta-textual. John Steinbeck's books are chock full of subtext and not once will you catch him winking slyly at the reader. Well, maybe Chapter Thirteen in East of Eden. But that's it!

• The narration in the previous scan is Jim Gordon speaking to himself and not Bruce. So that's clever, right? Except, you know, he's still talking about the reader! It's just the reader gets to be fucking disappointed all over again! "What?! Jim Gordon still! Fuck this shit! Hurry up and get dressed, Bruce!"

• Bloom vented Gordon's spleen so Gordon needs to calm down or he'll die. In the meantime, The Batman Brigade has entered the fight to stop Bloom.

• Bloom gains control of the Robot Batman's and everything is going to shit and Jim Gordon is going to die and Superman is going to say, "Ha ha! I told somebody so! About something. Or whatever. Metropolis is still standing! I win!"

• And then Batman returns! Sorry! I didn't mean to remind anybody of the movie Batman Returns! Although I'm sure some of you still think of it fondly because you haven't seen it in twenty five years.

• Bruce's Deus Ex Machina was obviously defective because Batman came back with a sense of humor.

• That last caption was a joke. I actually think Batman has a great sense of humor. And not just DC Animated Universe Batman who is one droll motherfucker. Batman is like me! His jokes are mostly just things that make him laugh while everybody else looks around confused or offended.

• Batman allows Alfred Pennyworth to resume his job as Penny One even though Alfred was a total dick and tried to keep Bruce from being truly fulfilled. He may have been happy at the community center and fucking Julie Madison but that's not what Bruce would have chosen if he'd been given the choice. So even though he was happy, Bruce was still in prison. Hopefully Bruce will make Alfred feel bad about it later. Or maybe he'll just hug him for the first time since Martha and Thomas died and Alfred will collapse into a lanky ball of tears.

• Jim Gordon kind of sort of quotes "The Second Coming" before Batman cuffs him to the inside of a helicopter where he'll probably bleed out while Batman saves the day. I suppose Batman expects Jim to fly the helicopter to the hospital to get his spleen stitched up. Or Batman is pissed that Gordon stole his job for so long and he's hoping Jim will pass out and crash the helicopter and die.

• Gordon decides he doesn't mind if he dies because he's embarrassed of his role in Fox's Gotham. At first I thought that show was going to be about one incorruptible man standing up against a city of corruption and making a difference. But apparently it's a story about a totally corruptible man without the will to stick to his beliefs who paves the way for a desperately needed and actually incorruptible hero to save the city.

• Duke's cousin Daryl explains how this whole mess came about because he's actually the genius behind the seeds. He just fucked up and created a monster named Bloom.

• Batman embarrasses himself with a line way, way beneath his level of intelligence.

• Batman's plan is to suddenly have access to a fifty foot tall Batman Robot so that he can kick Bloom's fifty foot tall ass.

• Bloom's philosophy about how gardeners are not necessary and yards should be allowed to grow wild and free mirrors my own. Except I think his is metaphorical while I mean it literally. Fuck gardens and proper lawn care. Give me overgrown bushes, ivy, ankle-high grass! That's the yard I like to lounge in.

• With the help of Bruce and Jim and all the citizens of Gotham who were part of the problem but then decided to remove their seeds, Duke defeats Bloom. I'm not sure if he kills him or not but would that matter? Bloom's body was originally on the way to Potter's Field to be buried anyway! And Duke hasn't been told by Batman not to kill yet! Loophole!

• Jim Gordon gives a speech that's pretty much the same speech Bruce Wayne gave back in the Red Hood story and the same article that Karen Page wrote at the end of Daredevil Season 2. It's the same speech about how the people without powers living day to day are the real heroes that comic books keep trying to pretend they're about when they really couldn't care any less than they do about real people. But I suppose I'm supposed to feel uplifted now so I'll pretend I am.

• Gordon gets his job back just like Batman got his job back! And Duke gets a job offer from Bruce Wayne! I hope it's not as a personal assistant.

• Julie Madison realizes she has to die because she's now one of Bruce's lovers who knows his secret. It never ends well for someone in that category.

Swamp Thing Annual #3

Etrigan! Etrigan! Does whatever an Etri is!

I could also have gone with this:

He's a demon named Etrigan!
He lives in Jason Blood's garbage can!
He's strong to the finish!
Cause he eats the Finnish!
He's a demon named Etrigan!

Although I'm not sure rhyming "finish" with "Finnish" is thrilling poetry.

Somebody just commented on my Turds of Prey #15 commentary saying that it was a little disgusting in the beginning. Then another, mysterious person replied to her reply saying, "True." That's so odd! Nobody ever replies to any of my older posts and then two very different and utterly unique people posted one after the other? And they were in agreement that Grunion Guy's "50 Birds of Grey" fiction (which I now realize might have been better as "50 Shades of Prey!" Or just "50 Birds of Prey," I guess) was a little disgusting. And since being the moderator, I get an email telling me the email of the guest who posted (or their IP Address), it didn't take Batman to realize both comments were from the same person! Which is kind of sad since she really didn't need to back up her opinion with another fake person agreeing with her. I agree with her! That story is a little disgusting! It's also quite disturbing! I don't think Grunion Guy should be allowed to write pornography.

The Jason Todd fans were saved by this Eve's comments because I was about to put them over my knee and pull down their sexy little pants and whoop the hell out of them. I'm pretty sure I hate all Jason Todd fans irrationally! Well, the hatred for very specific fans is quite rational. But I don't mind extending my hatred to all of them and then being labeled irrational! What do I care? Those assholes labeling me will be dead one day and then the joke will be on them! Ha ha!

Now I hope they all die before me or I'm going to have some serious egg on my dead face.

I also realized I jumped the gun with all the Etrigan mentions earlier since he isn't on the cover. But he was the one that was supposed to come for Cappuccino, so I've got all of my fingers crossed.

This Annual begins with rhyming demons attacking the swamp and coming up with every word they can think of that near rhymes with "Cappuccino." It's poetry on the level of an eighth grade romantic who has yet to realize he's really just a douchebag!

Good show, Alec! You can rhyme too!

Why are people so impressed with rhyming? Rhyming is not a talent! If you can't rhyme two words together, you're a fucking idiot. I don't mean if you can't make two words that don't rhyme rhyme! If you could do that, you'd be a magician! I mean if you...oh, what am I explaining myself to idiots and morons?! Fuck off!

Because of that "ita" typo, I'm now reading all of Swamp Thing's dialogue as Mario.

While Cappuccino lays dying because her thousand years of life are nearing an end, she asks Swamp Thing to tell her a story. She wants a funny story because dying is always a time of joy and hilarity. So Swamp Thing tells her the Popcorn Story. I hope it's also a little bit sexy.

It's not sexy at all! Or funny! Unless seeing Swamp Thing as a corn on the cob man is funny. But the story does remind Cappuccino that stories should end and the end of her story is coming up quickly.

The hero! The hero of the story!

Since Charles Soule is writing this book, I imagine Swamp Thing and Etrigan are going to have a long, philosophical discussion about corpse's rights rather than engaging in a twenty page bout of fisticuffs. Although I'm sure a little demon fire will blast a few of Swamp Thing's plant bodies before the issue is over. But I can't escape the feeling that Swamp Thing will talk Etrigan out of the deal rather than beating him back with brute force.

Swamp Thing and Cappuccino come up with a ruse that only Gaurav can bring to fruition. Swamp Thing swaps souls with Cappuccino so that she can fight Etrigan for her freedom.

The original width of this panel was 666 pixels before I resized it.

That's one of my predictions down! Now let's dispense with the fighting and get to the talking!

Even if Soule's encounters have become predictable, it's still a refreshing change from the usual comic book battles where whoever punches the most wins.

Etrigan tries to convince Swamp Thing that Cappuccino is evil so that he'll stop the battle and give her up to Etrigan. But Swamp Thing is more human than plant. Why would he be convinced of something so contrary to what he's seen during the time he's known Cappuccino? Only characters in horribly written comic books or on Parenthood believe what horrible strangers say over what they've experienced directly!

Although, I mean, it is Etrigan! And I did point out how he's the hero of the story earlier! And I'd much rather believe everything Etrigan says over anything that stupid, murdering woman named after a highly caffeinated drink would say! He must be telling the truth this time! He's the greatest character in DC Comics' entire history! I can't not trust him simply because he's a devil and a demon and morally corrupt and a murdering monster.

Either way, I'm still rooting for Etrigan! He's the best! (Get it? I said "rooting"!)

Lies! All lies! Finish her, Etrigan! Kill her!

Cappuccino comes back to swap bodies with Alec. Now that she has a connection with The Green, Swamp Thing places her in the Green with Brother Jonah when she dies. She's safe from Etrigan there. But what about the deal she struck with Etrigan before going back to Alec? What of that?! And will we find out before Charles Soule is forever lost to Marvel Comics? Probably not.

Swamp Thing Annual #3 Rating: It was the best annual ever because it starred Etrigan. Why was this a Swamp Thing annual? Shouldn't it have been a The Demon Annual?

Swamp Thing #18

Sure. Live it up while Cliff Baker gets his heart ripped out. Jerks.

Swamp Thing and Animal Man have been sent back in time to fix the world. Animal Man did his thing over in Animal Man #18 and nothing tragic happened at all no matter what I said in the caption to the cover of this issue. So I'm pretty sure nothing tragic will happen in this one either even with the whole "death do them part" foreshadowment on the cover.

As in Animal Man's case, The Parliament of Decay spits Swamp Thing out in the past with about one second left to save Abby's life.

For a bunch of Parliamentary Corpses claiming to want to restore balance to the world, they cut it awfully close here.

But since The Swamp Thing apparently isn't fucking around this time, I guess one second is all he needs.

This is Page Two. I guess Snyder needs 18 pages to depict Abby fucking The Swamp Thing.

Too bad the fucking never happens. Abby and The Swamp Thing realize that Arcane will simply reform. They need to find a way to destroy him and get the Parliament of Decay to choose a newer, fluffier, less aggressive Avatar. Besides, Future Anton Arcane arrives to try to create his Rotworld again and discovers Past Anton Arcane ripped in half. He eats him and heads off to teach The Parliament of Decay a lesson for helping Swamp Thing and Animal Man.

Apparently the newer, fluffier, less aggressive Avatar next in the queue is Abby herself. She was always meant to be the next Avatar of Decay but she abdicated when Swamp Thing saved her from Sethe. That's when Anton was chosen as the Avatar. So for Abigail to accept her proper role as the Avatar of Decay, she needs to die just like Alec died to become Swamp Thing. So Swamp Thing shrugs his mossy shoulders and says, "Okay!"

It really didn't take that much convincing. This is like page three or something.

After killing Abby, Swamp Thing is killed by Anton. I sense a pattern here! Let me see if I can suss out what will happen next? Someone else needs to kill someone else. But who?!

Oh yeah! Abby takes Anton! At least she doesn't look like Howard Stern's Beetlejuice this time.

The Swamp Thing regrows back in the swamps of Louisiana near his Parliament of Seedlings. But the body of Alec Holland is gone, killed by Anton. Swamp Thing is all plant now and ready to take his place amongst the Parliament. Except this Swamp Thing has a choice. He can take root and finish out his days as a member of the Parliament, or he can continue to roam the world as The Green's Avatar. Before he chooses, he has a visitor bearing gifts.

What happens if they engage in sexual activity now? Will they destroy each other, leaving Maxine the most powerful creature on Earth?

Oh. Why am I always asking questions instead of turning pages!

I guess that's about as far as they can go.

After the romance, Swamp Thing chooses to continue to be the Avatar because legs. He has all the time in the world to end up rooted to one lousy spot in the swamp! As long as they're offering, he's going to hit the road!

Swamp Thing #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm excited about Swamp Thing stories without having to deal with Alec Holland's human side! And we'll probably get a few Abby as the Avatar of Decay one shot stories here and there which should be fun. I really like where this comic is headed now.