Green Arrow #40

Why is Felicity even in this scene? I'm already upset that Batman and Lex Luthor are here. At least replace Felicity with Emiko and this cover makes a little bit more sense.

Seattle! American setting!
But the city don't know what the city is getting.
The crème de la crème of the hero world
In a show with everything but Blue Beetle.

Arrows fly--doesn't seem a minute
Since the giant Space Needle had a bat guy in it.
Deranged. Don't you know that when you
Fight at this level there's no ordinary venue.

It's Gotham or Metropolis or Coast City.
Or...or this place!

One night in Seattle and you're soon on mushrooms,
Staring for hours at the EMP.
Lock the door on every public restroom
Unless you're not really there to pee.
I can feel a stranger sidling up to me.

One town's very like another
When you're kicking some thug in the testes, brother.

It's a drag, it's a bore, it's really such a pity
To have a guy with a bow keeping watch on your city.

Whattya mean?
You'd rather have some stinking, crazy man in a bat suit?

Batgirls, Supergirls
There's never been an Arrowgirl on any Seattle street.

That's right! You're talking to a hero
Who's a chauvinist pig. Let me be clear though:
I still let women work beneath me, sunshine.

One night in Seattle makes a bad guy wonder,
"Why did I stay in Gotham for so long?"
One night in Seattle and a bad guy blunders
Into an Arrow Net. It's all so wrong.
How could you be caught by such a fucking dong?

Goddamn. Attack from up above
Gonna knock a guy out with a flying Boxing Glove.
That's no worse than a fucking batarang or an emerald light ring.

Thank God Seattle's criminals don't have super powers or invulnerability.

I don't see you guys complaining
While I fight crime where it's constantly raining.
This time I need help so I had to invite you,
Are the Queen and his bow not enough to excite you.

Then go back to your LexCorps, your Arkhams, your Ann Nocenti titles.

One night in Seattle and your ratings are falling.
Nobody cares about a guy with a bow.
One night in Seattle and the death knell's calling.
Sales keep on hitting a new all time low.
Maybe you'd do better on a TV show.

"One Night in Bangkok" might be the best song ever. Unless the best song ever is actually "Jessie's Girl." Unless it's "Invincible." Yeah, you know what? I think it's "Invincible" by Benatar.

Well that one panel straightens out why Roy Harper would deign to help out Oliver. Now we just need one more panel to clear up why Batman and Lex Luthor give a shit. And I just mean one panel. I'm sure they're both helping out for the same reason and it probably involves stocks.

Felicity is on the front lines of the raid because she needs to hack into King's computer system. So instead of running around trying to hack in from a tablet, she's carrying a laptop open in front of her as she hacks away by pecking at it with one hand and dodging bullets. Shouldn't Batman have stopped this and mentioned that he knows somebody just as good with computers who can actually handle being in a battle like this without needing Diggle for protection? Batman's no help at all. I bet he already lectured everybody about no killing before they even began the mission. And then Katana was all, "Well then why the fuck am I here?!" And Batman was all, "I know, right? Hey! Remember when I ran a super hero team with you on it for some reason? Oh, I remember the reason! I needed a mother figure for Halo!"

Cupid. One dimensional and she uses a bow! I'm so far from interested I'm practically brain dead!

That was the panel that establishes that Cupid is obsessed with Oliver to the point that she sees children as a threat to her sexual relationships. Sorry, her "fantasy sexual relationships."

Naomi has also returned as the new Red Dart. I don't know where Henry Fyff is. I guess he didn't get the invite. Ollie probably thought he'd hamper the mission by stuffing pizza into his face willy nilly. That's what fat characters do in television, movie, and comic book scripts, right? You always have to show how they love to eat because that's totally accurate. Whenever some fat person helps me in the real world, it always takes longer than normal because they're busy shoving doughnut topped pizzas in their mouth and wiping grease on everything.

It's actually not that bad anymore. But I guarantee if you watch a movie or a television show from the eighties and one of the characters is overweight, there will be jokes made about their eating and they will almost always have some kind of food in their hands or all over their shirts or coming out of their face-holes.

Meanwhile Batman is threatening a cop or a lawyer or somebody. He informs the guy that his friends will be sending some evidence indicating John King's guilt in some nefarious activities and when it arrives, this guy needs to press charges. And if he doesn't, Batman will break something. And the room doesn't contain anything breakable! The most unbelievable part of this scene is that Batman calls Green Arrow and Lex Luthor his "friends."

Oh look! She took my advice and ditched the laptop for a tablet! Screw continuity because this makes more sense.

According to the above scan, Felicity must be dead now. Green Arrow can probably survive the blast because he's a super hero and even without invulnerability, they seem to weather explosions fairly well.

Being that I'm reading a comic book and not a biography of Oliver Queen, Green Arrow and Felicity survive being at the center of an explosion. They wind up, through grappling arrow technology, safe and sound on the floor beneath the explosion. Luckily Felicity still has her iPad which she must have shoved down her pants as she was flying through the air. Or maybe this is just her backup pad that she keeps tucked into her bra. Time to put the King in checkmate! Do you think Oliver will use that line when they finally bring him down?

Oliver's ex-girlfriend arrives with King on speaker phone. He tells them they have twenty minutes to bring Felicity's hard drive to him or Mia will die. Does he not know how technology works? First off, her iPad doesn't have a "hard drive." It just kind of is a hard drive with a screen! And twenty minutes? His life is going to be ruined in thirty seconds thanks to email! He's just giving them nineteen and a half extra minutes to kick his ass and save Mia while still ruining his life. Also, Oliver should be saying "Checkmate" in about nineteen and a half minutes!

Oliver battles King and has the upper hand. King is all but defeated when Mia decides to shoot him in the back. She doesn't shoot her father King which is what you'd have expected if you already knew that she just wanted the gun so that she could kill her father. No, she shoots Oliver first which only makes sense if she knows she's in a comic book and she's trying to string the readers along or shock them with Oliver's death. When the gun doesn't have a second bullet in it because King knew better than to completely trust his daughter, she reveals that she knew Oliver wears Kevlar and then Ollie rolls over and shoots King. It all makes perfect sense if you don't actually give a shit about what you're writing, Kreisberg and Sokolowski! Queen had defeated King so why did Mia shoot Oliver if she just wanted her father caught? If she wanted her father dead, why not just shoot him instead of shooting Queen? If King thought his daughter might still betray him, why give her a gun with even one bullet in it? What kind of evil genius is he to assume she's going to betray him but not after she kills Oliver Queen?

Nobody ever says checkmate. How do you write such a shitty story and not tag it with the "Checkmate!" line?! I'm so disappointed in these guys.

Green Arrow #40 Rating: -2 Ranking. Green Arrow's army was a bullshit wasted gimmick and I'm pissed off that they even bothered with it. Arsenal appeared in two panels. He shouldn't have been there in the first place and then he wasn't even utilized. Why the fuck even bring him in? Lex Luthor does nothing but shoot a bolt or two out of his super suit. Batman simply threatens a guy. Katana does nothing. Emiko appears simply to make Cupid jealous so that she can say her one line. This entire finale could have been pulled off with just the usual characters. Diggle could have threatened the district attorney while Felicity and Oliver break into King's offices. Nobody else was needed. It was all fucking bullshit! Who let Kreisberg and Sokolowski near this comic book?! It had a vibe going that was kind of working and now it's CW's Arrow-lite! I'm not surprised though. This is the sixth(?) iteration of Oliver Queen since the Reboot. All of them have been vastly different characters, so why not keep trying new versions of Oliver Queen? What's really stupid about his oscillating personality is that he had a perfectly good one that everybody already identified with him! You know, the chauvinist liberal who was always pissing off Black Canary and Hawkman?! Can we just have that Oliver Queen back in June? Give that one a try! He seemed to work for years!

Green Arrow #39

Has Ollie suddenly forgotten how to use a bow?

Last issue ended on the most original cliffhanger ever devised in comic book history! The bad guy had put a bounty on Green Arrow's head and turned the local authorities against him! Holy shit! Why has nobody ever thought of that before?! And get this twist: the bad guy has everybody thinking he's the good guy and he's helping the city when really he's hurting the city and Green Arrow, who everybody now thinks is hurting the city, is actually trying to help the city! Oh, it's so clever it makes my butt hurt.

What's more, Oliver Queen, once a billionaire, has lost all of his money! Um, again! And now to top off all of his troubles and tribulations, Felicity Smoak is being arrested for trademark infringement due to speaking like a Joss Whedon character without express written consent of the NFL.

And to top off the top off, Oliver's current penis cozy, Zehra, is behind his bankrupture!

Speaking of Oliver Queen Penis Cozies, can just one woman in the Arrow television show keep him out of her vagina? I think his sister Thea is the only vagina he hasn't been in and I'm including his mother because, you know! I have a feeling Oliver is eventually going to find out that Thea isn't a blood relation and they're going to fuck up against the glass window of her apartment as Felicity watches from the street with one lone tear rolling down her cheek.

Oh! I've forgotten to mention the name of the bad guy: King! Get it! It's King against Queen! Ah ha ha ha! Ow! My butt!

"I am the bad guy! Argh! I love being bad! Being good is dumb!"

"I am the good guy! I say clever rejoinders! I wear a good sweater! Being bad is stupid and bad!"

Oliver asks Zehra how she could do this to him and she points out that she's into winners and not losers. Ollie gets the hint and walks out on her before she also calls him a broomhead. The "L" on the forehead with her finger and thumb was harsh enough.

Felicity is arrested and thrown directly into jail because she rolled doubles three times in a row. She's really enjoying her time in prison because she gets to wear an orange jumpsuit that is definitely orange no matter how much Felicity insists that it isn't. And I know orange because I successfully navigated kindergarten. Barely.

Felicity's cellmate is a huge Guns N' Roses fan. She's also Cheetah the Cheetah Lady. How come when Cheetah turned into a Cheetah Goddess, she grew a tail but not four more breasts?

"We are the stupid sheep citizens! We need saving but we'll be ungrateful when we get saved because duh! Duh! Der!"

Diggle thinks the populace is dumb, does he? Well what about how dumb he is!

"Impermeable"! Who does he think he's talking to? Aquaman?

Some guy helps Oliver break into prison to save Felicity. Should I know who he is? Is he that Manhunter guy, Mark Shaw? He did get his New 52 secret origin in Cheetah #1! And he also appeared in the television show Arrow. But he didn't have blond hair in Cheetah #1, so maybe it's just some guy that I'm not supposed to know. Or I'm supposed to know and I just haven't been paying close enough attention. Whoever he is, he knows Green Arrow is Oliver Queen (it seems almost everybody does at this point).

And thus the day is saved and Felicity gets to say one of those awkward double entendre things she loves to say.

Later, Diggle, Ollie, and Felicity go to meet their chess pieces so they can battle King's chess pieces.

I get why Lex and Bruce are here because they're part of the Billionaire Boys Club. And Katana and Emiko are Outsiders, so they have to help out as well. And I guess that's Naomi making her return? Maybe? And I guess Cupid is here because she thinks she loves Green Arrow. But why the fuck would Roy come back? Isn't he still pissed at Oliver for stealing his ideas?!

Green Arrow #39 Rating: No change. It's good to know that in a DC Supermax prison, nobody fucking cares about the prisoners. Don't worry about isolating Cheetah even though she's got the powers of a Cheetah God and dangerous claws and hungers for flesh and is completely angry at everything all of the time. I'm sure a roommate will do her good! And hey, why not let the inmates of a Supermax prison wander around outside of their cells and eat their meals in a cafeteria like normal people because they aren't hardly super dangerous at all! I guess everybody at the Supermax has crown tattoos on their wrists. At least the art is on par with the writing! (That means it's crappy too!)

Green Arrow #38

Another cover with Ollie way up in the sky with his bow cocked.

At the end of last issue, Hal Jordan managed to arrive on Earth just in the nick of time to catch Ollie, Diggle, and Felicity as they were thrown out of John King's Party Blimp. But Hal is attacked by a flying chess piece with shoulder mounted rockets, so he drops everybody and has to catch them again. He caught them with a net last time instead of a gigantic catcher's mitt. This time he catches them with...hands. Just giant green hands. What does Hal suddenly have against gigantic green catcher's mitts?

Here's a short synopsis of Hal Jordan's trip to Earth to save his buddy and his buddy's bodyguard and his buddy's sex kitten:

Notice anything wrong with it? Where's Guy Gardner whining about Earth being off limits to Green Lanterns?!

Arrow asks Hal to "suit him up" and Green Lantern uses his immensely powerful ring to make clothing and a bow and a quiver of arrows for Oliver. Jesus Christ. Can the Guardians just take his ring away from him already? Why does he keep proving Sinestro right that he has no idea how to use the ring? At least he didn't give Oliver a mace. Granted, Oliver now gets to shoot the most powerful arrows he's ever shot before, so I guess that's a plus in the Hal Jordan sort of knows what he's doing column.

So they beat up the guy in the armor just in time for a commercial break.

This is where I'd write a fake commercial if I gave a shit about what I'm doing. Oh wait! Here's an advertisement: The Art of Tacoman and Them Others!

Back from the commercial, some guy named Dr. Cross finds out that Seattle General Hospital has come under the control of a Dr. Steve Reynolds that apparently doesn't like collecting insurance money from patients on indefinite life support. Dr. Reynolds threatens to kill Dr. Cross as well as the terminally ill patients because Dr. Cross does like taking money from insurance companies. Luckily for one of them, Katana arrives to save the day and kill orderlies.

And she's all out of orderlies!

Hal and Oliver wind up at the hospital to help out because...well, I have to admit, I don't know why they end up there. Ollie gets a message from Dr. Cross about the psychotic Dr. Reynolds killing patients but I don't know how Oliver knows Cross. I suppose I haven't been paying close enough attention to some of the comic books I've been reading lately. Just chalk it up to that thing I said about not giving a shit about what I'm doing.

Was Ollie going to pierce that guy's throat with an arrow? Or do these guys practice this routine?

Hal and Ollie save the hospital or something from whatever Reynolds was up to. I don't know what this whole diversion was about. Does Kriesberg know that you can't pad a comic book like you pad a television season? Every fucking story needs to count since they only come out once a month! I don't need this bullshit story where some doctor goes crazy and every orderly in the building decides to back him on his murder plans. Are we suddenly in fucking Gotham? No, no. If this were Gotham, at least Dr. Reynolds would have an interesting personality, a scary mask, and a psychotic pet peeve.

We are characters interacting and growing from experiences!

Hal leaves after helping out at the hospital because he's not supposed to be using his ring on Earth or else he's going to have to have a conversation with Guy Gardner. And he'd like to avoid that if possible. So instead of giving Oliver Simon Baz's number, he just flies away. But first Hal calls Ollie an ass and then Ollie calls Hal an ass and...wait...why the fuck did Hal fly across the galaxy to save Oliver from falling out of a blimp and then point out that he's not allowed on Earth? Was it easier for Ollie to get in contact with Hal Jordan than to contact Stargirl or Animal Man or Martian Manhunter? This comic book is really testing my patience right now! Especially after these two exchanges separated by a mere six pages:

"Ready for another round?" "Always!"

"Ready for another round?" "Can't! Shouldn't be here! Bye!"

Immediately after Green Lantern leaves, the police chief declares Green Arrow a menace and a madman, stating that he attacked John King. King puts a five million dollar bounty on Arrow's head which the police chief passes along because that's responsible policing. I know he's being manipulated by John King but nobody watching the news thinks this is odd that the cops are announcing a hit on somebody on television? I guess people watching local news for actual news aren't really much for thinking for themselves, so I guess it makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that Green Arrow is on the street watching this in a crowd and the sound is blaring out across the neighborhood for some reason. Who would live in that neighborhood? Turn that shit down, motherfuckers!

Anyway, the crowd goes wild and decides that five million dollars is worth throwing a beer can at a dangerous man with a bow and arrow. Why are all the common people in comic books just stupid fucking sheep constantly manipulated by the powers tha...fuck. You know what. Never mind. I just got super depressed thinking about how accurate comic books can sometimes be.

And finally, John King is threatening Oliver's current girlfriend. He wants her to get one of those tattoos of a crown that shows she's owned by King. I guess. Whatever.

Green Arrow #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. Oh Green Arrow! You thought the days of J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti were far behind you, didn't you?! Well how do you feel now that Jeff Lemire abandoned you, hunh? Not feeling too good, are you?! Plots are getting a little ridiculous, characters are acting a little crazy, dialogue is once again feeling forced and unbelievable! Things aren't as bad as they've been, Ollie, but so far this is definitely a huge step down from the Lemire plots.

Green Arrow #37

Must the cover of this comic book always depict Green Arrow ninety feet in the air with his bow cocked?

Last issue, Felicity Smoaks joined Green Arrow's team because she knew his secret identity and pointed out how she was hired to kill him. I bet the real reason Oliver allowed her to join was that he's already fallen in love with her. And by "fallen in love with her," of course I mean "physically attracted to her to the point of distraction that will constantly eat away at his mind until the relationship is finally consummated and then the magic will suddenly have fled from the relationship." And by "magic" I mean "the need to have sex with a person that you have yet to have sex with." All Disney movies end before the relationship can be consummated not because Disney movies are rated "G" but because that's the moment "true love" becomes "That's it?"

This issue begins with the Seattle Police being told by "The King" to stand down and not help Green Arrow battle Merlyn. What could the cops do to help anyway? They're not armed with bows! You don't bring an inferior weapon like a gun to a bow and arrow pony show.

Nice. Make fun of the burn victim's scars, you ableist cunt!

Do you see all of that traffic Merlyn and Mia are running over? Or flying over? Or arrowing over? Well, that shit won't stop Diggle as he drives up to pick up Oliver and chase them down. Two blocks past the bridge, Arrow finds Merlyn and Mia on top of Seattle's monorail (which has really revitalized the city, if you ask me!).

Heh. I mentioned the monorail before actually reading this part where Felicity mentions the monorail. It's just such a fantastic boon for the city and for people that hate walking five blocks!

Green Arrow and Merlyn have begin an exciting battle atop the monorail which will take them to the Great Wheel and hopefully culminate atop the Space Needle! And then Merlyn can fall to his death and land on top of the Experience Music Project Museum where nobody will be able to tell that his corpse wasn't part of the architecture.

As they battle, Merlyn recognizes Oliver even though Oliver is wearing a hood and goggles. But Merlyn's face is so scarred that Oliver probably won't recognize him. Plus Oliver is probably drunk.

Merlyn gets away and Oliver saves Mia who proves that she's going to be a feisty sidekick when she mouths off to him at every opportunity.

Meanwhile, Katana is chasing down The King and beating down priests. I almost didn't recognize Katana due to her coherent dialogue. I am disappointed that she didn't give me some Wikipedia facts about priests or the church though.

Katana: "Maybe now you'll reconsider my question. Whose orders are you following?"
Priest: "I devote my life to him. Not you."
Katana: "Your God won't save you now."
Priest: "Not the Lord. The King."
Katana: "So you must be a member of the Church of England which King Henry VIII, in 1534, declared himself the head of?"
Priest: "No, but even if I was, the Church of England was reunited with Rome in 1555 under Queen Mary I and King Philip!"
Katana: "Yes, but then Queen Elizabeth I rejected the Pope's authority with the Act of Supremacy of 1558!"
Priest: "Which, once again, was turned about some months later with the...."
Katana: *STAB STAB CUT STAB STAB KILL*

Mia's dad turns out to be a guy named John King. I wonder if he has any connection to this King guy everybody is following! What a coincidence! John King just happens to be the third richest man in the country behind Luthor and Wayne. Poor Ollie! He could have been one of the top three if he hadn't lost his business to that guy in Hong Kong. Unless he lost the business to his dad's partner when everybody thought he was dead. Unless he lost his business for one of the other half dozen reasons I can't remember right now and might possibly be making up to make it seem like there were more than two reasons for his losing his business. And what about the Kords? They've got to be in the top five richest assholes in the United States, right?

Wait. Why did Ollie take his hood and goggles off? Do cute blonde girls get a pass on the whole secret identity thing?

John King is also an incredibly bad person who murdered his wife in front of Mia, his daughter. I'm correct in assuming that makes him incredibly bad, right?

Oliver, Diggle, and Felicity wind up at one of King's fundraisers later that night. It's aboard a blimp! Why fight on top of a monorail or a Ferris wheel or the Space Needle when you can fight on top of a blimp. With sharp, pointy arrows!

Hey! "Prodigal" is actually being used in its definitive sense of "wastefully extravagant" here! Probably on accident though since it's also working in its generally accepted usage of "long absent" which is due to the adjective being misapplied to the wrong aspect of the son in that Bible story.

King lets Oliver know immediately that he knows Ollie is Green Arrow. Oliver is not very happy being that John King is not a cute blonde girl. Well, that's what he gets when he recklessly gives away his secret identity to people he's working with and then allows them to leave his organization. I bet Naomi and Henry are selling all of his details to underworld organizations to fund their tropical retirement.

Kreisberg really likes the idea of Green Arrow battling other people that also think they're saving the city. So Oliver isn't just battling thugs to keep the city safe; he's generally battling other powerful people that want to control the city and keep it "safe" in their own way. So in the television show, he's battled Merlyn and Brother Blood. Now in the comic book, he's battling John King who is really just another aspect of his television show rivals.

Everybody just wants to be the one in control.

Oliver, Felicity, and Diggle get thrown off the blimp by King and his peasants. Luckily Oliver called in a favor earlier and Hal Jordan has arrived to save their lives. I guess that's why Ollie looked so calm as they were falling to their deaths. I'm disappointed Hal catches them in a net instead of a catcher's mitt though. Who knew Hal Jordan could receive text messages while in deep space? That's a great provider he's got.

Green Arrow #37 Rating: No change. Are Ollie and Hal about to go on a road trip to discover the real America and its real problems that can't be solved with a simple punch in the mouth?! I think this is the closest we'll get to those days. Well, this and a mention of a mugging on the corner of Adams and O'Neil.

Green Arrow #36

Does Green Arrow always have to be in the act of shooting an arrow on the cover? I get it! He's an archer!

The last issue ended with Felicity Smoak telling Green Arrow that she had been hired to kill him. We know from the television show that she's the best hacker in the entire universe and would never be caught hacking into whatever she's hacking into. So as soon as Diggle says he's found traces of a hacker, we (the readers! Not the Royal 'We'!) know it's all a setup. Felicity obviously just wanted to meet Green Arrow and get his cock all up in her. That's sexy romance literature language for making love. The only other option is that Felicity is a huge badass mercenary death monster and she's about to kill Oliver Queen!

This issue begins with Mia Deardon pickpocketing people on the streets of Seattle. She's the person some person named Mr. King is trying to hunt down. So I guess she's important somehow. Maybe she has diamonds in her stomach. Her friend Trevor calls her "Speedy" so we know where this is going! Right? Maybe you should tell me.

Anyway, Mia's pursued by some business suited thugs but is saved when some guy who knows her mother murders them all. It's practically a coming of age story by Charles Dickens or maybe Edgar Allen Poe.

Oh look! It really is Felicity! Because Oliver points out she talks a lot! Just like on the television show!

Felicity casually mentions that she knows Green Arrow's secret identity because Kreisberg has to get her onto the team as quickly as possible! We've already watched how she joined the team on the television show and we don't want to rehash all of that! Especially since it took so long. And hopefully Kreisberg will avoid the huge mistake he and his writers made on the television show by making Felicity a love interest of Oliver's. Jesus Christ, television writers. Does Oliver need to have a relationship with every woman on the show that he isn't related to? And that might not even be a limit! I bet Thea puts the moves on him at some point since she's only half related to him!

Felicity tells Oliver that only she and some street girl can help Ollie catch whoever hired her to kill him. And that's that! She's on the team! And I don't mind that they trust her so easily since who wants to read three months worth of comic book stories where they dance around that fact that she's inevitably going to be on the team anyway? I'm sure Diggle or Ollie will eventually whisper to the other one, "Are you sure we can trust her?" And the other will say, "What choice do we have?" And that will be the end of that!

Meanwhile the man that wants Ollie dead is playing John Lithgow's character from Dexter.

Mixed with a little bit of the "Brother" Blood character from the television show. I guess Oliver always has to battle other people that have a vision to save the city. But in the wrong way!

Mister King mentions Bethany Snow and Channel 52 News, so I guess that puts Ambush Bug in current continuity! Ha ha! In your face, DC Comics! Now I know he's out there somewhere!

Mister King tells his henchmen to hire some guy that will be able to kill Ollie and Mia and the guy she was saved by, Mack Morgan. Who will the assassin be?! I doubt Deathstroke will be headed over to this comic book for this job. Maybe it'll be that guy Stillborn that tried to kill Deathstroke when Rob Liefeld was "writing" that series.

See? Talks like she's from Sunnydale! Oh, I, um, mentioned that last commentary, didn't I?

Judging by the arrow, the killer must be Merlyn. Notice how nobody is shocked that this guy was assassinated by an arrow? The whole archer schtick is way overdone in Starling City Seattle.

With Felcity's help, Diggle and Green Arrow track down Mia and rescue her from King's men. But just when they think they're going to get away and gather up the evidence to convict King of whatever horrible things he's been up to, King's assassin arrives so that they have to have another think.

Merlyn's face is probably messed up from that time the oil rig exploderated all over Ollie's wild oil rig party.

Green Arrow #36 Rating: No change. I guess Merlyn wound up on an island adjacent to the island that Oliver washed up on where he learned how to use a bow and arrow but just a little bit better than Oliver did. I don't think Seattle should be full of archers. Its heroes should be fire dancers and Burning Man refugees.

Green Arrow #35

Are Naomi and Henry losing their jobs to Felicty now?

This looks like a really exciting comic book that somebody slapped a Green Arrow sticker on the cover of. I want to see Batman and Lex Luthor battle while Felicity figures out how to shut down Flood Control Dam #3.

While watching the television show that believed Green Arrow would be ridiculous if he was known by anything other than just "Arrow," I noticed that one of the ARGUS agents that was trying to leave ARGUS was named Mark Shaw. My first thought was, "Isn't that Manhunter?" So later I looked through my old Who's Who comic books and Manhunter was never known by the name Mark Shaw. At least before 1983. But earlier today, somebody liked my commentary on Cheetah #1 (which has some typos I have never gone back to correct), so I reread it. In that comic book, Mark Shaw shows up! And he's called Manhunter! So my memory seems to find the worst garbage in the world to remember while I can't remember important, life saving information like the name of my sister-in-common-law when I'm talking to her face to face. It's a good thing she assumes I always know her name and she doesn't randomly quiz me about it! Because then I might die from fingernail poisoning.

Kreisberg completely Lobdells the opening to this first issue.

Just because Kreisberg begins this like Lobdell begins all of his comic books with the character introducing themselves to the reader because Lobdell seems to think people only buy comic books that have had their covers ripped off, it doesn't mean it's bad! This is actually a pretty clever in-joke! Green Arrow has spent the first three-quarters of his New 52 life as a complete jerk because he was written by hacks like J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti.

This story arc is called "Kingdom" and the first chapter is called "Foundation." Yes, that's correct! This isn't "part one"; it's "Chapter One!" That makes it more literary! I bet that's how Kreisberg got the job!

Kreisberg: "I have a pitch for a Green Arrow comic book, lover boy!"
Johns: "*mumblemumblemumble*"
Kreisberg: "What was that? Here, let me move my dick."
Johns: "Let's hear your pitch, Big Cock!"
Kreisberg: "Okay! Picture this!" *Kreisberg spreads out his arms, his erect phallus flopping against his own chin* "The story will be broken into...CHAPTERS!"
Johns: "Wha?! That's so...so...literary!"
Kreisberg: "Oh yeah. That'll get all them bitch boys reading Vonnegut and Salinger to give this medium a second chance!"
Johns: "Great idea! Now if Lemire won't suck me off, the book is yours!"

Maybe that's why Jeff Lemire decided to write a crappy "Save the Future!" story in Justice League United! Because he was pissed that he lost Green Arrow to Kreisberg, he decided to completely tank his Justice League United book. That would teach Geoff "Casting Couch" Johns...well, it would teach him something! Something about ethics or morals or economic decisions based on who is willing to suck off whom.

Whenever Green Arrow does this, does he have to restring his bow when he lands? And why is he carrying so many hotdogs? And should I be referring to him as just Arrow now?

Generally when a new writer comes along, the hero's retinue wind up unemployed and out of a job. Diggle is lucky because he was from the show anyway, so he can stay. But Naomi and Fyff are out on their asses (cute and fat, respectively). Looks like Green Arrow needs to hold an interview for an IT person with a cute face that loves to wear horrible dresses and talks like she's from Sunnydale! That would be Felicity, in case you weren't following my train of thought.

Also, The Glades are now a part of Seattle!

The doctor that removes the bullet from Oliver's arm has a pin on his lapel that is a crescent moon. Do you think he might wind up being Doctor Mid-nite?! I hope not!

Oliver Queen is an hour late for a meeting with some rich assholes that want to get Queen Industries back on its feet after it was lost to some Asian ghost monster, or lost to a business partner while Oliver was fucking triplets, or lost to...oh, I can't remember how he lost it! I'm sure it was stupid though!

Neither of these guys would have waited an hour for Oliver Queen.

I figure Bruce only waited because he didn't want Lex dealing with Oliver alone. And Lex only waited because he knew Batman would have to wait with him which meant he could have some thugs robbing banks in Gotham concurrently.

To convince Oliver to throw Queen Enterprises into the pot with Waynetech and Lexcorps, Lex throws out some numbers. He says the merger between his company and Bruce's has produced an economy "greater than ninety-five percent of the national GDP." So they've basically doubled the amount of money being made in America?! With just their two firms? That's capitalism out of control! Who gave these two assholes so much power to sink the world economy? Now the GDP of the United States is twice as large as it was before. What happens if, say, the CEO of one of these merged companies should...I don't know...try to enslave the world and wind up in prison watching all of his stock shares plummet through the basement?!

You know what? I don't even know what I'm talking about! The only thing I remember from my economics class in high school is that Soylent Green is people.

You tell him, Bruce! What kind of an asshole thinks of a city as their own?!

Meanwhile some guy named Mr. King is looking for some woman named Mia Deardon. The name sounds familiar but it must be one of those things my brain has decided wasn't important enough to remember.

And then Felicity Smoak shows up telling Green Arrow that she was hired to kill him. Which probably means she was hired to kill him but she'll point out next issue how she has no intention of going through with it and she was only caught hacking the Queen Foundation account by Dig because she wanted to be caught and now that she has Green Arrow's attention, how does she get on his payroll?

Green Arrow #35 Rating: No change. Of course Kreisberg and Sokolowski would steer the comic book to being more like the television show. I don't mind that since, at least so far, Ollie seems to be the same guy that just recently took his city back in Lemire's run of the comic book. And what long time comic book fan doesn't expect a change in supporting characters whenever a new writer comes onto a book? It's par for the windmill hole with those stupid blades always trying to knock your ball back at you so you have to chase it down before it falls into a pond.

Vibe #2

How does Vibe even get into this position? I thought the main point of his power was it could vibrate Parademons into nonexistence.

Writing a little something every day is a superb way to track the fluctuations in your brain chemistry. The past week or so, I haven't really felt like writing commentary on comic books but I keep at it because I don't know how not to. The thing I dislike most about writing while in this mood is the way my manic thoughts seem dulled. The commentaries just don't pop when my mind isn't throwing five thoughts at me at once. It colors my reactions as well. I've been waiting all year for Morrison's ultimate issue of Action Comics and I was barely able to plod through it, walking away four or five times while reading it. I really just want to crawl into bed and sleep.

Instead, I'm going to read a comic book about one of the worst comic book characters in DC History. And I don't think giving him the power to get a headache when he's near other-dimensional creatures is helping his reputation. Oh! Don't forget his inability to be photographed. I have some family members that might actually pick that power as their answer when asked, "If you could have one super power, what would it be?" My first reaction is immortality but what good would that be without invulnerability! Just ask Koschei the Deathless! The Deathstroke version, not the Russian fairy tale version. Super speed would suck because you would constantly be waiting for everyone or everyone would constantly want you to run their errands. Although I might like the metabolism of a speedster. Flight would be fun but, again, I think I'd pass if invulnerability wasn't thrown in as a freebie. I think the power I'd like is to make my farts smell like cows so that on road trips, I could fart in the car and everybody would roll the windows up.

Last issue, Vibe was tricked into joining Justice League of America and working for that lying prick, Amanda Waller. This issue, Detroit proves that it is indeed an inter-dimensional nexus.

To the surprise of absolutely nobody.

The alien above is merely saying, "Alien Language." No, no. It's Runespeak, sir! Or Old Portugese [sic]! Although the alien isn't claiming to be saying what he's speaking. Perhaps he simply has a speech impediment that causes him to say the same two things over and over. Or those are the only two words in his language. I don't know what dimension this guy is from but he kind of looks like a Parademon in Cthulu Drag.

While this monster is sneaking into our dimension under cover of Detroit, Cisco (Vibe!) is busy showing his costume to his soon-to-be-super-villain brother. Of course Amanda Waller (who is watching everything through his glasses that record all of the action but Cisco doesn't realize are always on because Amanda Waller is a gigantic snoop) can't believe Vibe is already blowing his secret identity. And she has every right to be annoyed! Dante is going to be trouble!

The Shadowy Egghead will probably be trouble as well.

I looked up "Shadowy Egghead" in the Who's Who and there was no entry for him. They must have forgotten him when they sent it to print.

Shadowy Egghead turns out to be Agent Gunn (I think?). He's come by to lecture Vibe about telling people his secret identity. Now Amanda Waller has Dante categorized as a "Probable Incompetent Super Villain Threat That Will Die When He's Used By A More Competent Super Villain To Get At The Justice League Of America." Or "Lazy Bum." Amanda Waller can never be too careful.

Meanwhile the Cthuluian Drag Queen is busy watching news reports about the country of Kahndaq (sounds familiar!) and a terrorist group called The Sons of Adam (Captain Atom's cult?) and the "controversial Stagg Industries Refinery" (Metamorpho's in-laws!). Oh, he also hears the news report say, "A.R.G.U.S." and the Cthuluian Drag Queen freaks the fuck out.

Vibe is supposed to meet the other members of the Justice League of America in the morning, so he heads home to research them online.

Just in case anyone forgot that Hawkman is now more like the Preboot Hawkman than the Tony Daniel/Rob Liefeld colostomy bag from The New 52.

Eventually Vibe gets another headache because the Cthuluian Drag Queen is close to his house. Agent Gunn calls to let him know they've picked up a strange reading as well. The Justice League of America can sense the inter-dimensional beings but they need Vibe to track down their specific location and to send them back where they came from or destroy them. But being a military organization, I don't think they have any current plans for what to do when the creature just wants to talk.

The Note (horizontally flipped): "I REALLY LOVE MY GIRLFREIND MAITE, SHE TRULY IS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME." Well, um, thanks, Alien! I'm sure Vibe will be happy to pass the message along.

Agent Gunn (who I'm willing to believe is the same Gunn from the television show Angel after Amanda Waller resurrected him to give him a government job dealing with monstrous beasts because he had so much experience) kills the monster and lies to Vibe just like a good government agent should. Fuck the truth of things when you can just kill stuff to try and maintain control. He claims the note was a formal declaration of war and Vibe just saved the world. Oh! So you can stop a war by killing the person handing over the declaration? That's good to know! Lots of lives saved! The note is confiscated and given to Amanda Waller.

Even though I just translated the letter, Amanda Waller gives it to the person they have in the Circus that can read it: Gypsy. This is apparently in Gypsy's native tongue. So Old Portugese [sic]/Runespeak/Alien Language is Gypsy's native language? So does that mean she comes from the same place that Peraxxus came from? A lot of people sure do like this language. It's more popular than Interlac. Gypsy says the note is from her father and that Gypsy should return home. But Amanda isn't letting Gypsy go anywhere, so Amanda wants Gypsy to pen a response saying something like, "Having a hell of a time. Wish you were here! But, umm, don't come anywhere near here because it's too much fun!" But since Amanda can't read the thing, what's to stop Gypsy from writing back, "Captured by miserable bitch. Send troops now."

A day later, Vibe is in Washington DC ready to meet his teammates. While he's waiting for the ten o'clock meeting, Vibe is discussing the setup with his brother over the phone.

It's a wonder anybody ever arrives for a Legion of Doom meeting with this kind of thinking.

And then Vibe and the rest of the Justice League of America are introduced to the public as the most free, Godly, democratic, wealthiest but caring, smartest, best, greatest heroes ever created in the entire world! The Americans cheer wildly while the rest of the world rolls their eyes and makes whacking off motions. During the show, Amanda is already setting up plans to make sure Vibe fights with Kid Flash to establish that he's a real hero by fighting another real hero.

Vibe #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book was an enjoyable enough way to pass the time. It held my interest. I was entertained.

Vibe #1

Vibe should be thanked for helping kill the Silver/Bronze Age run of Justice League of America so that Giffen and DeMatteis could bring about the best Justice League of America ever. You heard me, Grant Morrison! Feck off! Keith and J.M. did it better!

I suspect the interior of the comic book will explain why Vibe is such an unlikely hero. Is he perhaps a juvenile delinquent that hates authority? Perhaps he's a brain dead kid in a coma? Maybe he's a NAMBLA member with a love of justice and young boys? Perhaps he's a porn star known as Fingers McBang? It could just be that what the cover is really saying with a sly wink and elbow nudge to the comic book audience is that this is "The Unlikeliest Comic Book." It's almost as if Geoff Johns and Dan Didio and whoever else is in charge at DC are running DC by accepting dares. Nobody has been clamoring for Vibe to star in his own series. I'm almost certain everyone was fine with his body decaying wherever Martian Manhunter shoved it after his death in Justice League of America #258.

After he succeeded at making Aquaman appear to be less lame than he actually is, Geoff Johns decided he needed an even greater challenge. He dug through 25 cent comic boxes at conventions and scoured the internet to find the character most reviled by fans and George Pérez! But I'm sure before even beginning his search, he was aware of who he would pick It had to be a member of the worst incarnation of Justice League of America ever put together. Gypsy. Vixen. Steel. Vibe. The team was basically Martian Manhunter's last hope of keeping the "family" together (although now that I list the names of the characters in that JLA incarnation, they seem the perfect mix of heroes to represent Americans. A gypsy. A vixen. Steel which can be read both as the building blocks of skyscrapers and getting pick-pocketed while visiting those skyscrapers. Martian Manhunter which kind of sounds like a pseudonym for anti-immigrant xenophobes). Geoff Johns probably flipped a coin and Gypsy lost her chance at her own title. At least until another wave or two when Geoff Johns has handed the reins of Vibe over to somebody else and he moves on to his next challenge.

I'm actually interested in a Gypsy comic book. More often than not, my hyperbole tends to betray my actual feelings.

Enough blather. Time to find out why Vibe is such a fucking unlikely hero!

This is Vibe five years ago before he was Vibe and he was just plain old Cisco who must be thirteen years old or so even though he's probably malnourished because he lives in poverty in Detroit which is why he looks eight.

Get it? He's full of potential! Energy! Like a gigantic vibrator!

Immediately after his eldest brother tells him this and his other older brother explains how he's going to be a super villain later (especially since he's already got a cool Super Villain name: Dante!), one of Darkseid's Boom Tubes opens up right on Cisco's face.

A lesser commenter than me might make a "Taste the Painbow" joke right here, but not me. I'm above stupid shit like that. I'm more of the "Darkseid just Boom Tubed straight in that kid's mouth" kind of guy.

It turns out getting Boom Tubed in the face gives you super Vibratory powers. Fuck, why not? Why not make every aspect of this secret origin porn-related? Vibe already sounds like some kind of sexual lubricant.

Cisco's eldest brother, Armando, is killed by a Parademon as he pulls Cisco free. But even more evidence stacks up that Dante is going to be a super villain as he backs away, more concerned with his own life than his brother's. And then the story moves five years into the future to drop it a year behind all of the other comic book titles! Have Johns and Kreisberg forgotten that a year and a half has passed since all of the other comic books began? Or am I supposed to believe that comics don't actually move through time much? Perhaps one year in real time is two months in comic book time?

So five years later, Cisco has not gone to college like Armando told him he should. Instead he's working at a Comic Book Version of Best Buy or Fry's Electronics. That does make him a pretty unlikely hero! As Vibe, is he going to go up to random people on the streets and ask, "Have you been helped?" Dante stops by to visit Cisco and beg for money because Dante is a soccer playing bum that has yet to figure out how to be successful at super villainry. Although as soon as he realizes his Super Villain name should be Purgatorio, he'll jump right in! Oh! Maybe Inferno would be even better!

Currently Dante's way to make money is to borrow it from Cisco's college fund or to talk Cisco into gambling his college fund and then borrowing from the winnings. But I guess there aren't too many games of chance where vibrating helps you cheat. Unless Vibe is so good at controlling his vibrations he can get the roulette ball to drop in any number he wants. He'd probably have better luck jumping the other winners at the casino as they headed to their cars.

More Super Villain Origin stuff.

I don't think Cisco realizes he has powers yet although he shows up as a blur in cameras and film. Am I supposed to believe that Cisco has no friends with camera phones? Or does Cisco and his friends just laugh at how he's always fucking up their photos because he's so jumpy? Someone close to Cisco should have noticed by now since Amanda Waller has! She's now hunting him because Waller apparently runs every super hero organization in the DC Universe.

Agent Dale Gunn of ARGUS drives up in a couple of humvees and a compact car all covered in ARGUS symbols. I'm not sure what the ARGUS symbol is supposed to represent. A backwards looking bloodshot eye [It's actually shown clearer later. It looks like a forward looking bloodshot eye shooting needles out of it!]? Anyway, this Dale Gunn convinces Cisco to hop in his government kidnap wagon with him by mentioning Armando. Well, that was fucking too easy. Stupid kid.

Let this be a lesson, children! Do not get into a car with a stranger! Especially if that stranger mentions he's a member of a Government Agency! Especially if you're a minority! I'd rather take my chances with a serial killer because at least people would believe you when you tell them he tried to kill you! But just try to tell everyone that a Government Agent tried to touch your Hispanic privates! They'll roll their eyes right off their fucking faces.

ARGUS gives Cisco some information that apparently Cisco didn't know as well. They have pictures of a blurry person defending a woman at an ATM. Cisco might not have known that he was exhibiting strange powers when he kicked the thugs asses. Or maybe he did know. He could just be acting coy around the government agents. Whichever might be the case, ARGUS wants his help.

So Apokoliptian farts give Vibe a headache? Is that what I just read?

Inside the house is a Parademon. Agent Gunn says it's the one that killed Armando. But Agent Gunn works for Amanda Waller and Amanda Waller wouldn't tell the truth unless the lie she told was a paradox that actually made the lie true. It's possible Waller had this Parademon set free to get Vibe to learn to use his powers. Or it could be this Parademon truly has been roaming the streets eating homeless people for five years like Agent Gunn says. The Agent also mentions they've "been tracking it since it first came here." So you knew it was eating homeless people and you just let it fucking roam free? Who's the real monster here?

Cisco takes the bait, learns to control his vibratory powers, and kills the Parademon. Actually Cisco just punches it with a Vibro-Jab, but the Parademon is pulled apart because he's knocked in-between his "vibrational dimension" and Earth's. Hopefully that doesn't happen every time Vibe punches somebody since Vibe is caught somewhere between those two dimensions. If he punches an Earthling, will he infect the Earthling with Apokolips Vibrations and tear them apart as well?

Aha. So that's what happened to Detroit.

Vibe agrees to be trained by ARGUS and become a member of the Justice League of America. Of course none of the members of the Justice League of America have any idea what Waller wants them to do because she's a big liar, remember?

Waller should try telling the truth sometime. How effective is lying when everyone knows everything out of your mouth is a lie?

But now the readers know why the Justice League of America exists because of the ending of this comic book! Waller needs a team to defend her and one of her current projects from Darkseid since Waller knows he'll be back.

To rescue his daughter, Upside Down Horseshoe Girl!

My favorite part of this comic book was when it was revealed that inside the Detroit Branch of ARGUS, Amanda Waller has a shitload of metas in captivity because they refused to work with her. And it's not like she put people in cells who simply exhibited superpowers and didn't want to be a part of her League. These are metas that already have names and costumes! And I think a bunch of them are also some of those "creatures" that came from other dimensions. Like some captive from Qward. Or Pariah.

Why did Pariah appear? What great evil is going to befall the DCnU that he would be drawn to it? And then Amanda Waller captured him and put him in a tube, so now how is he going to lead everyone to the evil?!

There's also some guy with a sword by the name of Something-orman. And a woman Cyber-something. And some cereal mascot named Krakkle. And a hand pressed up against the glass of one cell that looks like Plasmus. And the last one that holds a captive waiting for her chance at a monthly title!

Geoff Johns next pet project.

Vibe #1 Rating: Like Threshold, I'll start Vibe off at 26 and let it rise or fall from here on out. So far, I liked it. I don't know how much I like the idea of the superhero Vibe but I thought Cisco was a decent enough character. I'm not sure why he's so unlikely though. He seems like any fair-minded, good-natured person that gets soaked in Boom Tube Juice and ends up with magical powers.