Batman #2

Here we see Batman thinking, "I'm getting too old for this shit."

The Review!
Tom King's Batman is the best Batman because...that's where I would put a bunch of smart reasons that I don't want to come up with. But you know they'd be really smart and super intelligent and way funnier than any reasons given by those guys at the Weird Science blog! Their motto is "We don't know who Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea is but we know we're not as cool!" I think. Their motto might also not revolve around me at all. In fact, if anybody has ever mentioned my blog to them, they probably responded with "What do you want me to eat, asshole?!" Anyway, Batman with no Narration Boxes is the best Batman. If you like Batman with Narration Boxes, you're basically Kevin Smith. And who would want to be Kevin Smith? I mean aside from the success and the loving family and the ability to eat anything you want because hockey jerseys fit people of any size. Did that sound like I was slagging off Kevin Smith? I didn't mean to! I love Kevin Smith! I also love telling kittens at the Humane Society that I'm going to be taking them home and then sneaking out without another word. Oh! I also love San Dimas!

The Commentary!
I am glad that DC Comics has continued to have faith in the success of light-hearted, hilarious books like Batman. I, for one, like to see a crime-fighter with self-control who merely breaks arms, legs, and jaws. A person in authority who does not pin a man to the ground and shoot him in the face because they felt disrespected, or have a huge power trip, or know that no District Attorney is ever going to seriously convict a policeman for murder because they work too closely with the department to get convictions and even the so-called good police officers will close rank if any one of the horrible ones is ever actually brought to justice for murdering somebody (always a black somebody) in cold blood. So it's refreshing to pick up a comical book like Batman and lose myself in the laughter and jokes and misadventures of a caring, empathetic soul!

Last issue, Batman met Gotham and Gotham Girl. Batman refrained from snickering at their names. Although later he had a good laugh telling Alfred about them even if he didn't quite catch what Alfred mumbled about the name Batman as he walked out of the room with the tea tray. This issue begins with Solomon Grundy in town on business. I think he's on a stand-up comedy tour.

"Played the Laugh Factory on Wednesday! Bombed on Thursday! Had therapy on Friday! Beat himself up emotionally on Saturday! Cried all day on Sunday!"

It's nice to begin a comic book with Solomon Grundy already on a rampage because who wants to set up the story surrounding his motivations?! He's just a big dumb zombie comedian! Why waste space on his trials and tribulations when we already know the troubles which comics have to deal with since every other program on Netflix is about comedians? It's best to just begin with Grundy smashing stuff so that the reader can immediately think, "Oh! Bad set, hunh Grundy?"

Gotham and Gotham Girl think the best way to defeat Grundy is to punch him while he's reciting his act. But Batman knows the proper way to stop Grundy is to wait until he's finished and them throw him out of the club.

Wait! Grundy said the whole poem but he forgot about falling in love on Friday!

I bet David Finch was disappointed that Tom King was making Solomon Grundy the enemy. I bet he whined and hedged and tried to convince King to make it the White Rabbit. Or since it's Rebirth, what about a female version of Solomon Grundy who looks hot and sexy and wears almost no clothes?

Batman seems to think sharing the responsibilities of keeping order in Gotham is a good idea. He doesn't tell Gotham and Gotham Girl to beat it any times which is way less times than I thought he would. Instead he lectures Gotham about how he needs to do better and doesn't even bother speaking with Gotham Girl. I bet Bruce Wayne has sex with Gotham Girl later! Or already?

Batman is beginning to feel like the old guy being forced out of a company because he's old and earns too much money and doesn't have any super-powers and did I mention how old he was? He accepts that it's better to have heroes like Gotham and Gotham Girl in Gotham. Mostly because it would be weird if they were in Metropolis. But also because he is just a man. A regular man who shouldn't probably be climbing around on the outside of a plane to save the day. He's best at scaring kids so that they don't go around spraying graffiti on everything. And he's okay at bouncing Solomon Grundy from a club or two. But what if an asteroid full of dinosaurs infected with Cosmic AIDS was crashing down on the city? How would he climb on that to save the day?! The best thing he can do is accept Gotham and Gotham Girl as a new regular feature of the city.

Oh, will he? I think Dick has moved on with his own plans, dude!

Above the Batcave, Bruce Wayne is throwing a gala for the opening of a children's hospital! You know what that means, right? Time to meet Gotham Girl in her civilian garb and bang the stability out of her! Probably while Gotham watches. I meant the city! Because he'll do her on the helipad on top of his company skyscraper! And also Gotham will probably be watching too! The hero!

Meanwhile, a man with PTSD kills himself in Commissioner Gordon's office after saying that the Monster Men are coming. And by PTSD, I mean Post-Therapy of Strange, Doctor. Or something. You get it!

At the gala, Bruce Wayne is rubbing his erection on the thigh of a young woman who thinks they're just dancing when he looks out the window, sees the Bat Signal in the sky, and says, "I have to go! It has nothing to do with that light in the sky! I just have to masturbate now!" Then he rushes off with the young woman saying, "Why do you need to masturbate?! My underpants are currently a swampland!" At least David Finch was given a few panels where he could draw a woman! Or was it a young girl? No, no. I'm pretty sure it was a woman or else Bruce wouldn't have been so sexy to her.

Oh, and remember that part where I said this boock was light-hearted and hilarious and you thought, "Fuck you, you stupid idjit!"? Remember?

Boom! In your stupid face! Hilarity!

Just for a second, let's go back to that Monster Men are Coming bit that I breezed over like I usually breeze over things thinking that everybody is filling the empty spaces of the things I'm not saying with things that I would be saying if I didn't think they were so obvious! Is Tom King going to have a bit of a meta-conversation between his book and the television show, Gotham? Because basically this whole Monster Men thing and Dr. Hugo Strange stuff was the cliffhanger for the last season of Gotham. The other part of the cliffhanger was when was Selina going to poison Alfred for slapping her? So tense!

On the roof of Gotham Central, Commissioner Gordon makes sure Gotham and Gotham Girl feel just how much he dislikes having to work with more freaking heroes. Although he might like how Gotham Girl likes to fly above him while wearing a really short skirt. I wonder if her bum is as cute as Supergirl's?

Batman rushes off to investigate leaving Gordon and the Gothams to awkwardly stand around discussing how Batman isn't there anymore. But he's got their number, apparently, so I'm sure he'll call if he needs somebody who can fly or see through walls or thinking up really boring names for things.

The epilogue proves that Hugo Strange is behind the people doing bad things and then killing themselves. The real surprise is that standing behind Hugo who is behind the bad stuff is Amanda Waller and, presumably, General Lane. And they think they're the ones saving Gotham! So I guess that's the mystery! Who are the monsters?! The Gothams? Grundy and others? Strange? Waller? Batman's sticky penis?

Can I end on that? I can probably end on that, right?

World's End #5

Solomon Grundy sucks at wearing masks.

This issue is called "Emerald Quest." Is that a pun? I would have called it "Ermahgerd Querst" and Alan Scott would be all, "Ermahgerd! Serlermern Gerndah!" And Solomon Grundy would be all, "Ermahgerd!" And I would keep on cracking up and shouting, "Ermahgerd!"

I wonder if Earth-2's version of Amethyst (Ermahtherst!) will show up since we're going on an Emerald Quest. I bet it turns out the Emeralds are really space travelers and their ancestors had to transform into Emeralds to survive and they lost their magical emerald abilities because they remained too long in their gem form and forgot who they were and had lots and lots of half-emerald children who eventually wanted to learn where they came from so they went on their Emerald Quest and never, ever got a movie even though Marv Wolfman practically promised me right to my face ten years ago that the Elfquest movie was going to happen! I guess I'm just lucky he didn't rewrite the script so that all the elves were raped by a villainous space demon rapist.

As Queen Lantern and Solomon Grumpy try to battle, The Green steps between them and insists they fist and make up.

The Green is a tree with bosoms!

Alan Scott doesn't seem perturbed by the sudden appearance of The Green. But then Alan Scott is gay. Also I might not really know what "perturbed" means.

Three pages are wasted on Mera not revealing what she's going to unleash on the world now that she doesn't care what happens to it. She's all, "Dark things live in dark places! Hungry things live in hungry places!" And then she kneels before a face carved into a rock wall where the cave is the mouth with lots of scary teeth around it. That's probably where the scary thing she's going to unleash lives. I bet her secret weapon is Starro!

Boo! Solomon Grumpy works for no man! Or Earth Spirit! Or woman who has crashed through the glass ceiling in her business skirt and power heels!

The Green mentions that other colors rule Earth-2 with her. The White which represents the living atmosphere. The Blue which represents the hopeful ocean. The Red which represents the angry living things. The Yellow which represents the fearsome dandelions. The Indigo which represents the compassionate future children. The Violet which represents Hallmark. And the Orange which represents the selfish orange.

Master Comic Book Reader!

Sure, sure. Starro hasn't appeared yet! But look at that panel! It's a star fucking someone's face! Totally Starro's modus operandi!

Back in London, The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick, Doctor Cocoa Puffs, and Hawk Cop strip Famine naked and hang a mirror in front of her. The plan is to force her to "experience the same fate" to which she has "already doomed so many." That seems an awful lot like fat shaming!

Over on Amazonia (try not to get whiplash as we ping pong back and forth amongst the various plot threads), Sloan reveals that he's been working on a secret spaceship with technology that even Apokolips has never seen. And Mister Terrific has been working on a contraption called a Boom Sphere which can kill gods. When did these guys have time to create such horrible weapons of war? Isn't it the military who is supposed to twist science into imaginative ways of killing the most people in the quickest amount of time? Shouldn't these science guys simply be working on equations and theories?

Okay, Sloan is an Evil Mr. Smarty Pants, so I expect it from him. But Mister Terrific?! No wonder he winds up dooming Earth-The-Main-One.

And finally in the Geneva Firepit, Replacement Batman and his team stumble upon one of Apokolips's secret experiments.

No! Why bring Superman back? Now Val-el is just going to be some second rate chump that refuses to punch stuff. I mean, that's what he is already! But now it'll be obvious even to stupid readers!

World's End #5 Rating: No change. I thought the Horsewomen of Apokolips were going to be truly terrifying and wreak a ton of havoc and introduce Earth-2 to their dogs of war and kill lots and lots of silver age heroes? But they've barely made any kind of impression at all! Do you think Daniel H. Wilson has a plan for this book? Or do you suppose DC just told him that he has to reach a specific end condition within a certain amount of time and he and Marguerite and Mike can just make up whatever shit they want week to week as long as Earth-2 eventually winds up where DC needs it for their ongoing stories? I think Daniel H. Wilson should tell me what his plan is so that I can tell everybody that he knows what he's doing and to trust him. I promise I won't spoil it for anybody else!

Solomon Grundy #1

Now I can't stop thinking of Solomon Frye or Soliel Moon Grundy.

Was there ever a comic book like Brave and the Bold that teamed up Bizarro and Solomon Grundy? I can't imagine nobody has done it. I just have to get my hands on that comic book wherever it is.

Bizarro: "We not go rob bank later!"
Solomon Grundy: "Okay. We sit here."
Bizarro: "Exactly! Let us sit here all day and not go rob bank in a few minutes!"
Solomon Grundy: "Me cook tater tots."
Bizarro: "Yuck! Tater tots sound gross. Me angry you not making them!"
Solomon Grundy: "But me do cook them! Smell! Sniff air! Mmmm! Good!"
Bizarro: "Where you learn to talk? Harvard? Ha ha! Me not funny."
Solomon Grundy: "What we watch now?"
Bizarror: "Me favorite show to miss am Big Brother. Me not miss it enough."
Solomon Grundy: "You fucked up. Me leaving."
Bizarro: "Let door hit ass on way out! Take tater tots with you!
Solomon Grundy: "You big jerk!"
Bizarro: "Thank you! Me mean, fuck you! Wait. What I mean?"

I suppose I should get serious since this Earth 2 version of Solomon Grundy is super fucking serious. He's not longer some undead chump in a stolen suit that took his name from a nursery rhyme. No way! He's the fucking Avatar of the Grey and he's here to rot your fucking face off!

The issue begins with Solomon Grundy escaping prison.

His prison was the moon.

Green Lantern is going to have to think of a better place to store Solomon Grundy next time. He could pick Venus since I doubt Solomon Grundy has a powerful enough leap to reach escape velocity there. Although Green Lantern might have some trouble getting him to Venus since Alan Scott loses power the further he gets away from Earth. I wonder if Green Lantern can make a light rocket that could reach Venus? How long does Alan Scott's constructs last? Only while he's concentrating on them? Do they have a distance from the ring where they become untenable?

Since this is happening on Earth 2, Solomon Grundy had better watch out because the Crime Syndicate hasn't killed all the wonders here. Although Steppenwolf may have. Hmm. Whoops.

As Solomon Grundy wanders about the Midwest draining the life from whatever he finds, he remembers a time before he was the Avatar of the Gray, back when he worked in a slaughterhouse in Slaughter Swamp outside of Gotham City. He worked for a man that was using his power over the poor families in the swamp to rape his employees' wives. And one day, Solomon's wife couldn't bear it anymore.

This probably isn't Solomon Grundy's memory since I suspect that Solomon and Pinney's baby turns out to be the Avatar of the Grey after he's abandoned in the swamp.

Solomon fishes his wife out of the swamp while reciting his Solomon Grundy rhyme. When he gets to the part about dying on Saturday, he slaughters his boss and all of his co-workers. Because why not, right? They're probably just as horrible and ill-tempered as the boss.

Oh come on! I'm sure you're all a bunch of assholes too!

Solomon kills himself and slides into the swamp to die. But then he hears his baby cry and comes around. Because he can't bear seeing his child starve to death when he never comes home? No, no. Probably because he can't resist the sound of such a sweet and succulent little morsel.

In the "NOW" of DC Time, Solomon Grundy finds himself a city and begins rotting as many people as he can in the hopes of attracting the attention of Green Lantern. But not of whichever Wonder controls the Power of the Red, I guess. Would that be the Red Lantern in the Apokoliptian Fire Pit in Rio?

The military try to defeat him and seem successful after he blows to bits. Although the bits rot anything they touch, so that might not be a good idea next time. It would be worse than fields of land mines. Bits of squidgy Solomon Grundy flesh that people and animals might step on and instantaneously rot. Hmm, maybe it's equal to land mines.

After blowing up, Solomon Grundy just reforms from the ground outside of town. This blighter really needs an escort back to the moon in a hurry. He's pretty much unstoppable! But he's not quite as bad as Trigon, really. In fact, he brought a rapist to justice instead of raping an entire universe. So he's practically a good guy!

Solomon Grundy #1 Rating: This issue didn't have a whole lot of substance. It was basically a rhyme set to pictures. The pictures were nice to look at. Except for most of them were filled with death. So that was a downer. But what I really want to know is what happened to the baby?! Where is Baby Solomon?!

Solomon Grundy! (as seen in Earth 2)

PERSONAL DATA
Real Name: Inapplicable [So some other entries do forgo the "Alter Ego" entry. But I'm not sure why his real name is "inapplicable?" Maybe that'll be explained in his history!]
Occupation: Inapplicable [Not even Professional Criminal? Or Would-Be Conqueror? Or Swamp Guardian?]
Marital Status: Inapplicable [Why can't he be single? Am I to presume that nobody would ever have him? Because I happen to know that he was married on Wednesday, you ill-informed Who's Who entry! So he should at least be divorced or separated! Not inapplicable!] Known Relatives: Inapplicable [I'm starting to sense a trend!]
Group Affiliation: Injustice Society of the World [At least it begins with an "in."]
Base of Operations: Slaughter Swamp, outside Gotham City; otherwise Mobile
First Appearance: ALL-AMERICAN COMICS #61
Height: 7'5" Weight: 517 lbs.
Eyes: White Hair: White

HISTORY
In 1894 a man named Cyrus Gold was murdered in Slaughter Swamp outside Gotham City. His remains were never found, but instead lay in a bog for fifty years. During that time bits of rotten wood and leaves accumulated about the skeleton, and gradually formed into a gigantic humanoid creature that somehow achieved a strange form of life.

One Monday night in 1944 this strange creature emerged from the bog in Slaughter Swamp. He confronted two escaped criminals and took their clothes [At least this strange form of life had a sense of modesty. Although I'm curious as to what he looks like naked now, being composed of wood and leaves.]. The next day the creature came upon a hobo camp where he met a criminal gang. When asked his name, the creature replied that he had none but that he had been born on Monday. One criminal remarked he was like the nursery rhyme character Solomon Grundy, who was "born on a Monday".

The creature adopted this name as his own [So he was also "christened on Tuesday". Which means he got married the next day on his next big adventure, correct?!]. (Grundy was "born" with some knowledge--such as how to speak English--but was ignorant of many other things.) Seeing his superhuman nature [and realizing Grundy was now the smartest one of their group], the criminals made Grundy their leader and embarked on a series of robberies in Gotham City.

During the first robbery Grundy clashed with who was to be his greatest enemy, the original Green Lantern (see Green Lantern I). Grundy tried to kill the Emerald Crusader, but the gallant hero survived. Grundy, having learned now how to kill, committed eleven brutal murders [Imagine what he could have accomplished if the first thing he learned was math!]. Green Lantern finally defeated Grundy by hurling him into the path of an oncoming train.

Somehow Grundy survived, and over the succeeding years has repeatedly fought Green Lantern as well as members of the All-Star Squadron, Infinity Inc., the Justice League of America, and the Justice Society of America (see individual listings). For a time Grundy was allied with the Injustice Society of the World (see ISW), but his greatest passion has been his hatred of the original Green Lantern. Grundy has extended this hatred to Green Lantern's children Jade and Obsidian (see Jade, Obsidian).

Although Grundy recently seemed to have been buried by a glacier, he subsequently joined an army of super-villains during the so-called crisis on infinite earths. Solomon Grundy's current whereabouts are unknown.

POWERS & WEAPONS
Solomon Grundy possesses vast superhuman strength. He is virtually impossible to kill. He is immune to bullets, fire, and extreme cold, and can survive indefinitely without food, water, or oxygen.

Solomon Grundy can absorb certain forms of energy, such a magical energy, and manipulate the absorbed energy at will. Radioactivity once gave him telekinetic powers for a brief time [Of course it did.].

Earth 2 #6

Is this a Rotworld crossover?

Last issue, DC was about to be nuked by the so-called Good Guys to destroy the Grundy threat. That seems like a pretty good plan since Grundy just used The Atom's atomic energy to accelerate the decay of the Earth. Oh wait! That makes it seem like a really bad plan. Meanwhile Alan Scott has meditated his way into The Gray to find out how to stop Grundy. If The Avengers movie was released on Earth 2 then maybe Alan Scott will realize he can send the nuke headed toward DC into The Grey and then they can go out for Shawarma. Or as Americans call it "Arby's."

Mr. 8, Terry Sloan, purports to be the smartest man in the world. His decision to feed Grundy more nuclear energy reveals that he's just an idiot with a great public relations campaign. If he actually was the smartest man on Earth 2, he'd come up with a plan other than "wipe out everything with a nuclear missile." That's the kind of answer that unimaginative, unthinking war mongers would come up with because they grew up believing that a fist to the face of your opponent was somehow a winning debate technique. Not that this is the time to debate Grundy! Although the Earth 2 Grundy does seem to have a better grasp on the English language than his Super Friends counterpart, so maybe it would work!

Now I sound like that idiot kid Noah in Action Comics #14 who eventually had his face melted off. Oops! Sorry for the spoiler! That isn't much of a spoiler anyway. And maybe Superman can still save all the people with their faces melted off. Maybe he can fly around Mars really, really fast and reverse time like in Superman the Movie. Or go back in time. Whatever he did so that Lois didn't choke on a mouthful of dirt.

As the time for nuclear annihilation ticks down, the "wonders" begin to fall. Without the Green's Guardian to combat The Grey's Guardian, the "wonders" simply fall one by one to Grundy's Hentai tentacles.

That's just the Green Guardian's body. His spirit is off diddling his dead fiance.

Alan Scott spends way too much time in the arms of his dead, fake, fungus lover deep within The Gray. Does this mean he's going to come out of The Grey and five years will have passed by on Earth 2? Since it's just his spirit that went deep, deep inside his enemy's secret place, I don't think the time dilation effects will kick in. And I think spending that time inside Grundy's Grey Area was the plan all along. He just needed enough time before The Gray itself, like any good villain, revealed the way to stop its plans.

All The Grey did was try to trick Alan Scott with his former lover? Oh! So Alan Scott will have to trick Grundy with his former lover! Um. Ewww. I don't think I want to see that.

Alan Scott returns to his body, grabs Grundy, and flies him high up into Earth's atmosphere. He tells Grundy that he knows how to defeat him and begins putting "Grundy's Lover" plan into action.

Oh man. I really, really don't think I want to see this!

I'm not going to paint a word picture of what Alan Scott does with those missiles he plucked out of the air before they could hit DC. I'm not going to use the word "orifice" or "suppository" or "atomic anal rape." Mostly because none of those apply. Alan Scott throws the missiles into deep space and exiles Grundy to the moon. So I guess "the plan" The Gray revealed to Alan Scott was one of omission and not one of love. Don't try to defeat your opponent. Instead, remove him from the field of battle. That makes more sense than the sexy one I came up with.

Alan Scott also learns that he loses his powers the further he gets away from the Earth. The Earth is his Power Battery. But he doesn't need to recharge. He just needs to keep the cord plugged in. As long as he remains near Earth, he's all-powerful. And that's why when Hawkgirl and The Flash try to set up some sort of "society of justice" with him, he declines. Because their powers are stupid! But then this title isn't called The Justice Society, is it? It's simply Earth 2. At first I figured, "Oh, Scott will come around after a few more story arcs." But really, why should he? Simply because the fans are expecting The Justice Society? Maybe that can happen around issue #75. But for now, I like this set-up. Various members of the original Society are spread out doing their own things across Earth. Atom and Sandman are military men. Hawkgirl is on the run with The Flash. Green Lantern is the protector of the Earth. Wildcat is still boxing. And Mister Terrific is still tied up in Terry Sloan's attic somewhere. Where? Find out next issue!

Earth 2 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm giving it a bump of two ranks simply because it's a far better comic book than a ranking of 29 would suggest. Although that might be a good thing. A quick glance at the ranks and moving this up two forces down other comics seemingly ranked too low as well. And looking up the ranks, I don't see much I'd really change. Which means at least 29 of The New 52 seem to be worth reading. Possibly more but even 29 is far more than I would have guessed, especially since G.I. Combat is next up. Get ready for the martial arts shenanigans of The Haunted Tank!

Earth 2 #4

I'm digging Hawkgirl's new look. Yeah, I fucking said digging!

Earth 2 Issue Four begins like this:

Starman?

My knowledge of the Justice Society is mediocre at best. I can't think of any member that this could possibly represent (except my feeble Starman guess). So far we've seen The Flash, Green Lantern, and Hawkgirl as heroes. Wildcat was shown on a billboard for a boxing event. Mister Terrific has been captured by the smartest man on Earth Two. So who's left? Hawkman. Hourman. The Atom. Doctor Midnite. Starman? Green Arrow? Was there a Justice Society Green Arrow? I must be forgetting a female or two, right? Hawkgirl and Wonder Woman could not have been the only women. Was Fury a member or am I thinking Infinity, Inc. at this point? I suppose I could look up a roster but why spoil the surprises at this point, right?

Of course with the tanks (and winged creatures?! Hawkpeople? Maybe the Hawkpeople are the security forces of Earth Two!) exploding around this mushroom cloud face, I suppose it could be a super villain! But the only villain I can think of is Ultra-humanite. And that, again, might be Infinity, Inc. I guess I'll read on then since I'm out of speculation.

The corpses being walked upon by the armored men after the giant face explosion makes it look like the winged people were possibly Parademons. Perhaps there are still pockets of Apokolips resistance here on Earth. Or maybe this is a flashback although I sincerely doubt that since the narration boxes usually make that clear. The armored crew happen to find a little bit more than the dead parademons.

This apparently did happen five years ago. And his name is Captain Pratt. Still no clue.

Well, duh me in the brainpan. It's The Atom. I don't exactly remember the Justice Society's Atom's powers. He can probably change size which is how the giant hand-print he was found in was caused. Perhaps he got his powers from the atomic blast to wipe out the parademons. And he grew big immediately, smashed the ground while thrashing around from the radioactive change, and then collapsed to his normal form and lost consciousness all in the space of a few seconds.

Meanwhile, Grundy can't help being an asshole. It's where The Atom is currently headed. So I'll probably get an example of his powers in a few pages.

Solomon Grundy! Falls apart on Monday! Heart attack on Tuesday! Stays in bed on Wednesday! Watch the walls on Thursday! In love on Friday! Waits on Saturday. Comes too late on Sunday! That was the end of Solomon Grundy!

The Rot caused by Solomon Grundy is worldwide. He's one powerful Rot Avatar. Speaking of Rot Avatars, I have Animal Man and Swamp Thing up next for the Prelude to Rot World! It sounds like the worst amusement park every invented. Anyway, the worldwide rot reaches The Flash and Hawkgirl and they decide to investigate.

I appreciate how careful Hawkgirl is about just hopping on the back and having him take off. I mean, she does do that! But she's cautious about it as he starts until she realizes his energy field (or whatever) protects her as well.

With The Atom ten minutes out (although I suspect arriving any minute) and Alan Scott flying across the Pacific toward DC, Hawkgirl and Jay arrive in DC first. I think they would have arrived in DC first even if the other guys were just around the block.

Thanks for the pep talk, Flash!

Hawkgirl manages to put up a pretty good fight even though every wound she makes on Grundy regenerates almost immediately. She stays out of his reach by flying about but he has control over the dead branches and ivy which eventually grab hold of her and pull her in. He's choking the life out of her when Green Lantern appears.

Conveniently in all of the wreckage, a nice big HDTV broadcasts some news turned up nice and loud for Jay to hear as he runs about saving people.

Where would comic book writers be without the ever present newscast blaring forth?

While Flash is rescuing civilians, Hawkgirl is weeding the area, and Green Lantern is going mano a mano (although I wish they were going mono a mono) with Grundy, The Atom arrives by plane.

Does this really seem like a good idea?

Oh! I guess it was a good idea!

The above panel is the way to do a splash page. I'm sick of seeing splash pages that aren't any more effective for being large (I'm looking at Tony Daniel!). But this works well to show the Atom's increase in size and to display his sudden landing in the midst of the fight.

It seems Hawkgirl has escaped from some government controlled program because she immediately recognizes The Atom as "Al" and claims she'll never go back alive. The Atom calls her Kendra and, hating to disappoint her, grabs her instead of killing her. While still standing on Grundy's exploded mess (which I'm guessing should reform rather quickly, right?), The Atom tells the others to stand down "by the authority of the World Army Council." My guess is they won't stand down at all!

Earth 2 #4 Rating: +3 Ranking. Okay, maybe this one issue was only good enough to get a +1, very possibly a +2. But I began this comic ranked much lower than it should have been simply because there was an empty spot in my charts from one of the cancelled books. So for the time being, I'll give it a slight boost to what I think it should actually have based on each month's comic. This is a fun comic book.

Earth 2 #3

After glancing at this cover, I did two things: I thought, "Should the caption be, 'Insert flaming joke here'", and then I searched Tumblr for "slut shaming." I don't think either was a good idea.

Oh, Tumblr users. You're so goddamned young. Everybody all puffed up with idealism and equal rights and nonjudgmentalness. It's all well and good. Very good, really. Keep at it. But while you're believing in a nicety nice world where we can all finally fucking get along, keep one thing in mind: don't fucking lose your whimsy or your sense of humor. Laugh at yourselves. Be joyous. Don't flip the fuck out when something funny crosses a line you don't think should be crossed. Some people can be flippant but that doesn't mean they aren't on your side. Being lighthearted doesn't make someone the enemy. Just be careful who you direct your anger at. Because I'm not saying you shouldn't be angry at a whole bunch of shit in this world. Go at it. Tear it down. Change the shit that needs changing. But don't fucking forget to laugh and just be careful what you choose to tear down.

Here's an example: In a college English class one year, the teacher had each student write down one word that described themselves. He then had the males write their words on one side of the chalkboard, and the females write their words on the other side of the chalkboard. In an instant, the teacher had turned this into a gender issue. Intelligent ended up on the male side but so did emotional. He then asked the students which word they would like to take over to their side and the women suggested "intelligent". I couldn't fucking resist the joke, so I said, "Emotional should be on the women's side." And they all got fucking mad at me. Which pleased me to no end that they all got emotional when I suggested emotional should be on their side.

Some people would look at that story as an example of me being sexist. But it's actually a story that portrays my flippancy and my humor. Especially since I knew I'd get lambasted for the joke but couldn't resist. The whole joke was merely for my own amusement. My self-esteem could take the hit if a few people in class who didn't really know me suddenly thought I was a sexist jerk. Why the fuck should I care? The next target of my humor was probably myself anyway. Be yourself and allow others to be themselves too. That's being a true feminist. Except, really, that's being a true humanist. An individualist. It's not like I took my dick out and slapped it across someone's face. Hmm, would that have been funny? Too much?

I wonder if someone from that class still tells that story but portrays me as a gigantic asshole? Probably!

Take that bullshit for what it's worth. Over half the population would still think I'm fucking young, so I'm not some wise motherfucker sitting in a cave in Nepal somewhere. Just a silly bastard who reads comic books and writes vulgar essays. I know that opening statement about Tumblr being so young sounded patronizing. But it wasn't. It was nostalgic. And one of the things I like about Tumblr is that it's a fairly youth driven site. I learn a lot from the up and coming generations. One of the things I've learned is that I've watched a fuckload of the same cartoons as y'all because I never stopped watching them.

So, Alan Scott finds himself all fucked up from the train explosion!

He's blind in the same eye that he was blinded in during 52 when the Zeta-Beam malfunctioned!

Alan Scoot Scott soon finds himself speaking to a giant green flame which is insisting that it is the power and the energy of the Earth.

Oh, James Robinson. You coward. You've effectively neutered Alan Scott by forcing him into a state of mourning for an indeterminate amount of time.

Just like Mercury warned The Flash that some horrible evil was coming and Earth 2 needed protectors, the Green Flame tells Alan Scott that Earth has chosen him to defend the planet against what is coming. But before he can actually become the Green Lantern, the scene shifts to Poland where Jay was meeting up with Hawkwoman.

Without the speech bubbles, I think this would make a nice t-shirt. Maybe just add "Hawaii" in rainbow letters across the bottom.

Oh, excuse me, Hawkgirl. I was trying not to sound patronizing again! They have a nice conversation where Hawkgirl says she was waiting for Jay because fate told her he'd be there and that Jay will believe that answer once he meets the guy. I don't who the guy is. I'd say, "Hawkguy," except I don't believe Hawkman, even on Earth 2, will really have anything convincing to say. But Hawkgirl has been learning about herself and her powers for nearly a year, it sounds like. And she gives Jay a little test to see that he's still really green when it comes to his powers. And then everything around them begins to die.

Back in Hong Kong, Alan Scott accepts the Green Fire's proposal (get it? He just accepted a proposal after giving one to his now dead lover! Oh! I'm sorry! That was unfeeling and rude. I should have said "to Sam" instead of the whole dead lover part!) and becomes Green Lantern. The Green part of his name represents that he's the Earth's champion. He is the environmental protector. But his powers are what the fans expect: green constructs based on his imagination. But there seems to be repercussions to his decision as well.

Can we say "Solomon Grundy"? I think we can.

My first thought after reading the above panels was, "Maybe this will be the form Obsidian takes on Earth 2?" but that was quickly followed by an overwhelming wave of joy and goosebumps as my mind screamed: "SOLOMON GRUNDY!" Boy, I hope you're right, mind. I've had enough bullshit out of you!

Alan Scott chooses the engagement ring he was about to give Sam as the token with which to focus his power. He puts it on his middle finger because Sam must have had bigger hands than Alan did. The energy then leaves Alan Scott to defend the Earth as he sees fit until the greater threat that he was created for eventually arrives. Alan Scott helps the survivors of the train crash and dedicates his fight to Sam.

Meanwhile, in Washington DC, the landscape is dying and rotting tree roots are sprouting up and tearing down the architecture. Grundy's narration even mentions The Rot to Alan's Green which I think is a really nice touch for Earth 2's Red/Green/Rot balance. Grundy tears down the Capitol Building in the hopes that it will lure the Green's new champion to DC. And then Grundy plans on sucking the life from the Man of Green.

Awesome.

Earth Two #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. The entire issue was great but simply for this Reboot of the rivalry between Alan Scott and Solomon Grundy, I'd give this issue a +2 ranking. I wasn't even expecting Grundy until I realized The Grey must be him. I am just out of touch enough with comic books that I wasn't considering the different rivals for certain characters, especially for the Justice Society. But when it all came flowing back to me, I was absolutely stoked. Can I use that word, falling back into my California-raised language? Solomon Grundy has always been one of my favorites because of the Super Friends and Legion of Doom cartoons. I can't exactly pinpoint why it is. It just is. Just like I have no idea why Garrett Morris was my favorite member of SNL growing up and Scatman Crothers was an idol of mine. Not that I'm calling either of them a gigantic walking corpse! I also hung out more with the old men on my block, going on walks and sitting on porches, then I did playing with the other five year olds. Um, anyway, terrific issue!