Futures End #38

This commentary is about to get confusing! Just remember that that one is Terry McBatman and the other one is Batman McBatman and that final one is Joker McBatman. Easy peasy!

JokerMcBatman is currently trying to kill Terry McBatman so that Brother Eye's current future can remain the present's definite future and not wink out of existence the way futures never do. Or always do? It's hard to say! I probably shouldn't try to understand it logically and just understand it comic-bookally. So comic-bookally, currently, in the immediate present, only Brother Eye's future where he's taken over everything exists. That's thirty years in the future (according to the five years in the future present that is taking place in Futures End!). And that's the only future that exists right now because everything in the present (future present, not present present!) is working out exactly right for that one specific future to occur and not one of the other ones from the infinite amount of other ones that could possibly wind up existing. Forget about all of those other ones because they don't exist so there are no future people in them worrying about traveling back in time to make sure their timeline comes to fruition. That just gets too complicated and an infinite amount of time travelers would just keep appearing and making trouble for Batman. Only the bad Brother Eye future exists and it will exist until Terry McBatman changes some critical things which will make everything different somehow and, hopefully, better.

But really, who cares? If you're ever in a situation where you love your life and somebody says, "I'm going back in time to change the future!", don't chase them back in time to make sure the future doesn't change. Just say, "Okay! Bye! Have fun!" Since you're currently where you are, things worked out in the past to get you there. Nobody is going back in time to change things. If they do go back in time, you still don't have to worry because they'll just create an offshoot dimension of your dimension. They'll basically remove themselves from your system and create an entirely new system whose future will be different. But you don't have to worry about that because remember that thing about how you exist already? Paradoxes don't happen. Probably! Maybe, just in case, you should send a cyborg after them to kill everything it meets.

Actual backwards time travel has two options. Option one is that everything happens the way it happens and has always happened that way. Which means that the person from the future appeared in the past and whatever they did was just part of their past. They'll always go back in time to fix whatever they want to fix and they never do fix it because they always have the motivation to go back to fix it. This is the way time travel works on Lost and Time Crimes. Option two is that the time traveler is removed from the current timeline and winds up in a new timeline that's an offshoot of the original timeline at the point where the time traveler arrives in the past. Primer is an excellent example of this kind of time travel. Back to the Future could theoretically be this kind of time travel except I think it loses the emotion and urgency if you don't believe that Marty is acting in one timeline alone. It's a good trilogy so I'll endure its shoddy time travel theories because it mostly plays by a consistent set of rules.

But time travel is all just fiction and speculation anyway, so who am I to say there are only two options?! I'm a fucking killjoy! Especially since I didn't really support one of my favorite versions of time travel which is used in Mostly Harmless where the newfangled Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy actually manipulates the time stream on the fly so that if you need a passing ship, it just changes everything in the timeline that needs to be have previously happened to suddenly have a ship flying overhead. That's a bit more like multidimensional capabilities though. Or omnipotence!

Batman McBatman! Meet Joker McBatman!

Joker McBatman takes an exploding brick to the head so that Terry McBatman has a few moments to fill in Batman McBatman on what is going on. Batman McBatman is all, "Yes, yes. I see. That's quite plausible. Only I could possibly have been responsible for the domination of Earth. And only I could possibly save it! To T-Tech!" Then he disappears while everybody's back is turned and they're all, "Wait? What? Where do we go?" Then Batman McBatman has to reappear and be all, "Um, come on. This way."

Terry McBatman remains behind to lead Joker McBatman on a wild goose chase.

Over in Metropolis, Doctor Polaris gets the stuffing beaten out of him by Superman (Psst! It's really Billy Batson!). But Firestorm saves his life because Firestorm still needs him and Ronnie Raymond's corpse if Madison and Jason are ever going to be separate again.

Elsewhere, Grifter is having mommy issues. Most of them have to do with Twofer Lana Lang suddenly claiming to be Fifty Sue's mom. Some of them have to do with penguins.

Don't worry, this issue also deals with some daddy issues too.

it wouldn't be a DC Comic without a daddy issue theme cropping up. And this is one of the most famous cases of daddy issues!

Futures End #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. I didn't like how Terry McBatman and Batman McBatman did not get into any kind of discussion about what the fuck is going on. I suppose Batman McBatman has been spying on him long enough to take him at his word? But still! Batman McBatman just came face to face with his future self stitched onto the back of The Joker's head and all he says is "T-Tech?" and "What is going on here?" What about "How the fuck are you from the future?" and "What are you supposed to change in the past?" and "If I'm partly to blame, why didn't you come see me first?" and "That Plastique has some ass, right? *batwink, batwink, batnudge, batnudge*" and "Why is my future self grafted to the future Joker?" and "I"m not doing anything you tell me to until you explain yourself!" and maybe even a few POWS! and BIFFS! and BOFFS! for good measure.

I didn't like the Firestorm scene because it was mostly Doctor Polaris wanting Stormguard to know that he appreciated his service for the country before Polaris kills him. I did like that Firestorm decided to treat his concerns legitimately even if his debate tactics were horrendous and childlike. Sometimes punching isn't the solution, guys!

I enjoyed the scene with Fifty Sue and her new parents. They're kind of a cute family.

I didn't like that Frankenstein's favorite poet was Milton. Pee-yuke!

Futures End #32

When did Galactus enter this story?

Are we at the big surprise reveal where we find out that there is a Brainiac above the normal Collector of Worlds Brainiac that is a Collector of Universes Brainiac? No? Okay. I guess we'll just read some more filler until then.

Five years in the Futures End future, people still wear puffy jackets and handlebar mustaches. I find that hard to swallow! Shouldn't everybody be wearing invisible skin warming plasticine which shows off every nook and cranny because in five years we'll all be above such bourgeois notions of nakedness, and everyone has stopped tittering relentlessly when they see other people's ding-dongs and doo-dads? That's how I see the future! A relentless onslaught of penises and vaginas passing by and nobody is turned on in the least, thanks to a daily Governmental cocktail composed of lithium, birth control, and diabetic medications. Oh yeah, we're all super fat and unhealthy in five years as well!

See? Fat and unhealthy! And Coke rules with an iron, yet mouth puckeringly sweet, fist.

This is the kind of dialogue that brings a comic book to life and helps the reader to feel they're sneaking a glimpse at a story that could possibly be taking place just on the other side of some wispy veil separating realities. It's not magical dialogue. It's not intellectual dialogue on profound themes. It's just an unimportant side character stating an opinion contrary to Plastique's opinion. I think, too often, a writer will want to put forth their own opinions of the world through the mouths of the characters instead of building characters with their own perspectives, perspectives that often differ with one another. And while some people might focus on the fact that a grown man has never had a slice of pizza, this pizza guy doesn't bat an eye at that and just points out, from his experience, she's giving a newbie the wrong slice. It's really just a throw away moment that many people might skim past while wondering when the action will start. But moments like this are important. Mundane moments with characters actually interacting with one another instead of being mouthpieces for the writer's opinions. This helps me to connect with the story and the characters. Now maybe when Plastique finally faces her demise, I might actually remember her excited face from this scene as she introduces pizza to a new friend, and her interaction with this working guy that makes sense, and I might fucking care a little bit.

Maybe. It's also possible I'll completely forget this scene in the next twenty minutes.

Terry McBatman is lucky she didn't make his face explode.

Judging by the above scene, I don't think Future-Brother-Eye-Infected Plastique was attacking Terry McBatman in Futures End issues zero and one. She was just trying to give him a kiss.

Cole Cash is busy trying to get his Earth-Main-Earth Registration Card so people will stop thinking he's a Twofer. Or so they stop thinking he's Lana Lang's husband. That could get him in trouble with Superman! Except this is Twofer Lana Lang and I don't think Superman gives a shit about Twofer Lana Lang. If only Cole's brother wasn't a gigantic corpse, they could use him as a character witness. Cole's only choice now is to deal with being thought of as the Earth-2 version of himself (even though he's from the Wildstorm Earth already! Right? The one that merged with the Vertigo and the Main Earth!) or spend six months in lockup as he waits for an inquiry into his origins.

My recommendation to Grifter is that he doesn't go to court. He doesn't want his history dredged up because does he really want to be reminded that he starred in the worst comic of the initial batch of New 52 comics?

The whole toilet seat up or down thing is Sexist Comedy 101 that I could rant about for hours. But since this repartee is adorable, I think I can let it slide this time.

Meanwhile, Fifty Sue becomes Mini-Deathstroke With Pigtails. And by "pigtails," I mean "two unbraided bunches of hair on opposite sides of Fifty Sue's head." Pigtails is easier to say.

The guy on the cover turns out to be what Dr. Yamazake has become. He's an incorporeal being with the power to control magnetism. So he built himself the Different-Enough-From-Galactus-To-Not-Be-Sued suit and begins plotting his revenge against The Justice League. Although can he really call it revenge when they've done nothing to him at all and every slight he believes they've committed against him is entirely made up in his own mind? Isn't that something other than revenge?

And finally, Ray Palmer's Stormwatch has arrived back at Earth. Or at least "an Earth." I'm sure it's not the Earth they think it is. I bet it's...PREBOOT EARTH! But before they can investigate it, Hawkman and The Engineer need to fuck.

The Engineer must be infected by a self-hating, low self-esteem causing virus because ick.

Ray Palmer's Stormwatch is intercepted by Father Time and taken aboard The Ant Farm, SHADE headquarters. They want The Engineer to help them defeat Brainiac and Father Time is willing to release every monster in The Zoo to get her. I guess next issue will be Godzilla versus Frankenstein! How come that was never a Universal Picture?

Futures End #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. Terry McBatman had better stop flirting with Plastique and get on with the Case of the Mister Terrific's Murderer (Hint: It will be Terry McBatman!). Mister Terrific is about to release his uSpheres into New York city and then that will be that. Lois Lane will get her hands on one and then she'll sync up her Brother Eye infected phone to her Brainiac infested uSphere and everybody can kiss the world goodbye. Then Lois will be all, "uSphere, find me the most authentic Indian cuisine in the area that delivers at one in the morning." And her uSphere will be all, "UNH UNH UNH TAKE IT, BROTHER EYE! TAKE MY FULL DATA STREAM!" And her phone will be all, "I HOPE YOU'RE USING WPA2 BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO WIND UP WITH A SELF-REPLICATING EXECUTABLE!" And Lois will be, "I'm starving!"

Futures End #27

Lois Lane, you big dumb dumb! Stop doing risky things! Billy Batson isn't in love with you and won't be there to save your ass!

Here's my new Lois Lane web comic idea that I'm sure has never, ever, ever been done before! Ever!

I'll probably never draw another one because you get the idea. She'll continually encounter things that are scoops but not the scoop you'd normally expect Lois to be interested in! Totally hilarious! In the next one, she admires a bulldozer.

This issue begins on the Isle of Can It Get Any More Boringer?! That's the island where Green Arrow trains his army of archers that will be useless against everything. Unless the entire show revolves around him and then arrows are way better than bullets and practically the only thing that ever actually wounds anybody. As opposed to real life where a guy out on the streets shooting arrows might wound one person before he gets his ass maced by some pizza delivery woman just passing by. And especially as opposed to comic books where villains have super powers and should never, ever be brought down by a guy shooting arrows. Ever! My suspension of disbelief can only be bent so far before I scream "Uncle!" And a guy shooting arrows being good enough to join the Justice League? "UNCLE MOTHERFUCKER! UNCLE!"

Although he's still way better than some jerk who can swim well and speaks with fishies.

Speedy needs two quivers because he's not as accurate as Ollie.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane discovers that two people can play that game where you creepily wait for the other person to arrive and then say, "Hello! I've been waiting for you!" And the other person is all, "How the fuck long have you been waiting? You never could have known when I'd be back!" And the first person smiles slowly and puts their dick back in their pants.

This might be my favorite Red Robin moment yet in the entire New 52! I can't stand when people think they can pull weird fucking stalkery shit on you but it's suddenly "call the police time" when you break into their apartment and steal all of their underwear.

Tim tells Lois that Madison left him and Lois says, "Because you were lying to her, right?" Fuck that nonsense! She left because her stupid feelings were hurt because Tim didn't confide in her something that he wanted to leave in his past forever! She's an immature child to feel that her expectations of Tim are more important than Tim's reality. Fuck her! I hope she's currently a Brundlefly!

Tim Drake tells Lois Lane to go parachute into the middle of the ocean and, judging by the cover, she takes his advice! Without Superman around to save her! Or Jimmy Olsen to photograph her bravery! I think her brain was fried from Billy Batson's lightning bolt.

Over on Cadmus Island, Deathstroke tells Grifter that they can't leave the island until he finishes with some unfinished business.

Oh Grifter! Now you're being entertaining? Two years too late to keep your own title alive!

Mister Miracle scouts the island and finds a medical lab where they seem to be grafting Aquawoman onto an OMAC. Or something. Sometimes it's hard to tell what an artist is trying to get across in a scene. Especially if that artist is Tony S. Daniel and he's also the writer. Man, he's horrible at choreographing his own stories so that they make sense!

The Green Arrow Army Featuring Big Barda have finally located Cadmus Island and are moving in to battle the OMACs. And back at the Wounded Duck, Plastique and Terry McBatman are relaxing with some beers and discussing steezes. Which I totally know what they are because I'm down with the hip lingo, daddy-o.

Did Tim hire Alfred to tend bar while he's stalking Lois Lane?

Also, I think I just fell a little bit in love with Plastique.

She should have her own 50s sitcom.

Terry McBatman breaks into Tim's apartment and is immediately caught by The Batman which, I think, is a huge no-no! This has time paradox written all over it! But Plastique saves the day by blowing everybody to smithereens! Yay!

Finally, Lois Lane's pilot and friend Buck allows her to jump out of his plane into the middle of the ocean. What an asshole.

Futures End #27 Rating: +1 Ranking! Plastique is just so dreamy! *SIGH* Stop looking at her, you other readers! Fuck off! She's my crush now! Also, don't tell Tig because she's an evil vampire and she might not like me looking at other comic book women.

Futures End #25

DC should include a pull-out poster that unfolds into the long, pink Preboot background that's been stretching across the cover since Issue #23.

I recently posted a quote from Generation X by Douglas Coupland about how depressing it is when a friend buys a house because they lose something of their personality to their investment of such a profoundly expensive and long-term commitment. That may be true but I find it depressing in another way. When I recently returned from visiting my friend Doom Bunny in Denver (where I stayed with his family in their house), I told the Non-Certified Spouse, "Remind me how depressed I feel now the next time I act excited to go visit Doom Bunny in a year or two." Because I'd forgotten how depressed the trip made me the time previous until a few days into the visit when I began to feel awkward and hopeless. You see, the depression doesn't stem from the points Douglas Coupland made. I don't really see any substantial changes in my friend Doom Bunny now that he has a family and is married and owns a home. No, he was always meant for that because he fit in long before marriage or kids or home ownership. Society has always worked for him. What depresses me is that I can't find that place of comfort and ease and fitting in. Being there simply reminded me that I do not belong in the culture I was born into. I cannot find security and happiness without making some serious trade offs to who I am. Hell, I don't even know if I could attempt to make those trade offs. It takes something that I don't have within me. And it isn't that I don't want to be a cog in the machine. I would love to be a happy little peaceful cog in the machine! It's that my cog simply wasn't made for this machine. And there is no starker reminder that I don't fit in then spending time with somebody who wholeheartedly does (or, at least, seems to).

I wrote something many years ago about how I know the secret to being happy. But knowing the secret and knowing that you are unable to execute that secret is far more depressing than not knowing at all. Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. I would love to fit, and to do what needs to be done without any qualms, to be able to make friends as an adult, to be able to interact with human beings, to take a job and put my head down and collect my benefits and feel secure and, well, to feel...complacent. I've lived forty years on this stinking planet and I have no idea how they all do it. So I guess I'll just keep on bumbling about the labyrinth, trying not to give too many fucks about it, and hiding myself in comic book worlds.

Ugh. I just want to delete the previous two paragraphs. But then I'd have to think up something else to write! Laziness trumps whatever that other emotion I am feeling is!

Currently, the New Stormwatch's old ship, the Carrier, is being overrun with Baby Brainiacs.

What the fuck, Black Adam? You use magic! Stop being so judgmental and/or hypocritical! Also, how is "punching something" modern?!

Everybody is relying on Angie the Engineer to interface with The Carrier and get it started again. Aren't any of them suspicious that The Engineer, who is constantly being taken over by other intelligences, has shaken off Brainiac's control so easily?! She's probably going to download Brainiac right into the Carrier so that the can travel the Bleed and invade Earth next issue! I only say "next issue" as a way of saying he'll be able to reach Earth quickly. But as we have seen, the plot moves so slowly in this comic book that it'll still probably take him a few more months.

Maybe I'm being too suspicious. I don't like being too suspicious! It makes me feel like I'm a regular denizen of the internet that doesn't believe anything simply so that they'll never be fooled by anyone.

I hope they hyperbled into the Pre-Crisis DC Universe!

I think I use too many exclamation points. But how is the reader supposed to know how exciting everything is if I don't use them? The reader might get bored if I just use periods all of the time. See? This paragraph is intensely boring. I'm falling asleep typing it. Oh period. You are so dull!

While fighting robots in space is well deserving of lots and lots of exclamation points, meeting the new Team Seven is worth whatever the opposite of the exclamation point is. The dexclamation point?

I wish a lexicon was a collection of words that mean the opposite of other words.

The new Team 7 (or should it be Team 8?) Ha ha! That looks like a funny face! 8?) Ha ha!

Um, anyway, the new Team 7 is composed of Fifty Sue, Deathstroke, Grifter, King Faraday, and Twofer Lana Lang. That makes it comprised of 40% old Team 7 members! Unless my calculator is lying to me.

Faraday teleports away because he can teleport and because he doesn't want to be a part of Team 7+. Now 50% of the team is comprised of old Team 7 members! I hope I'm impressing everyone with my mathematical abilities.

Fifty Sue wants to take Cadmus Island back from Brother Eye and to do that, she needs one of the team members to sacrifice themselves. I suppose that's going to have to be Twofer Lana Lang since nobody cares about Twofers.

Oh yeah. Superman is fighting the Mighty Morphin' Anger Ranger. It's actually much more exciting than that last sentence made it sound but I thought I should lay off the exclamation points for awhile.

Constantine explains to Superman that Brainiac isn't just a smart robot whose name came to be used as a sarcastic way of calling people stupid. He's actually some kind of God Machine that falls out of the sky to completely obliterate the plot. Constantine also mentions that he exists outside of space and time which must be why he lives in a black hole (as seen in Doomed #2).

Superman battles the Mighty Morphin' Anger Ranger while Constantine babbles on and on about Brainiac. After Superman defeats the robot, Constantine says, "Oh yeah. If you defeat the machine, you'll fail." Whoops! Maybe he should have mentioned that first thing. Constantine surmises that the machine was just a measuring instrument to figure out how strong Superman was so that Brainiac could destroy him when Brainiac (the real, God Machine Brainiac) finally arrives on Earth. Constantine's plan is to chase the Measuring Machine through a cosmic portal to infinity located somewhere in New Jersey. Because if they don't stop it, the Earth is doomed. Probably. I just made that up because isn't that always what happens if comic book characters don't do what needs to be done?

Back at Columbia University, Madison moves a little too quickly for Ronnie Raymond which causes him to flee back to his ex-boyfriend for advice on whom he should speak with about heterosexual problems.

They aren't really friends! They're ex-lovers! That was too exciting a revelation for mere periods.

What actually happened is that Ronnie heard one of those ubiquitous news broadcasts informing everybody that needs to know that a tidal wave was about to hit Samoa. What better opportunity to get some sex with an ex than a natural disaster? Mergetown, USA, here Ronnie comes! And Jason too, probably.

Jason isn't at all happy to see Ronnie. Who would be? They were married way back in The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #0 and then Ronnie started denying his homosexuality and trying to bang cheerleaders. I bet, in his anger, Jason uses him as the first ever non-Justice League Member human teleportation guinea pig!

Sniff, sniff. This moment is practically lifted straight from an Armistead Maupin book.

Professor Toomuchsake has been spying on Jason in the lab and now knows he and Ronnie Raymond are Firestorm. And since Professor Toomuchsake thinks the Justice League is responsible for every death in the world because they haven't given the public their teleportation technology, he now plans on getting revenge against Jason. Which probably means using Jason (and maybe Ronnie as well) as his soon-to-be Brundlefly.

Futures End #25 Rating: No change. I don't care about Jason and Ronnie so the whole last half of this issue was wasted on their love affair. Why can't they just fuck already? And I don't mean merge as Firestorm! They need to forget about being a hero and concentrate on being a couple. What I really wanted to read about was where New Stormwatch went in their carrier! With all of these Preboot images on the last few covers, and then Constantine's revelation that Brainiac exists outside of space and time, I'm really hoping the New Stormwatch takes a trip to any one of the Preboot DC Universes!

Futures End #20

Poor Joker grew back his face only to lose it again thirty years into the future.

This week, Futures End begins boring the pants off of me. And by pants, I mean the British meaning of pants because I'm sitting here in my boxers. I doubt I've ever written anything while wearing pants (the American meaning of the word!). I never wear pants while at home. Sometimes I miss package deliveries because the doorbell rings and I have to run around searching for some pants to put on before heading downstairs to open the door. I suppose I can start answering the door in boxers since that's nearly like wearing shorts except with a greater chance of my penis flopping out. But then I'm sure delivery people have seen worse than my penis! Not that seeing my penis is a bad thing! Those delivery people should be so lucky!

So, the part that bored the pants off me was the part where Red Robin breaks into the offices of The Fast Lane where he's found out by Lois herself who must not be able to afford her own apartment because whey else would she be hiding out in a darkened office? Even if I were to believe that she's been staking out the offices for weeks, absolutely sure that Red Robin was going to break in at some point, I'm not sure I can believe that Red Robin would have fucked up the break in and allowed himself to be caught.

Aha! That's the key word! "Allowed!" It probably took him weeks to break into the offices of The Fast Lane because that's how long it took before he knew Lois was the only person still in the building! If Red Robin was caught, he obviously wanted a meeting with Lois. If there's one thing I've learned reading The New 52, it's that everything always works out exactly as Harvest planned it. Also, for those that may not have heard me the first five thousand times I said it: Harvest is actually vampire Tim Drake from the future. Not this measly five years into the future future! More like the Legion of Super-heroes one thousand years into the future future! But even if Tim isn't Harvest currently, that doesn't mean he doesn't have his "super plans always work out" powers yet.

You idiot! Lois Lane doesn't know the meaning of "off the record!"

Red Robin's story could only have been better if he had been spattered with Bunker's, Beast Boy's, Solstice's, Raven's, Skitters's, Kid Flash's, and Superboy's brains as well as Wonder Girl's. Jeepers Creepers (which I say so as not to offend any Christian readers even though I really meant to say Jesus Christ. I hope I fooled them...and God as well!), Scott Lobdell really managed to make me hate every single character that ever made their way through his stories. I always feel a little bit of glee when another writer, during one of these alternate future stories, kills the characters Lobdell's been writing. It's like they're saying, "These characters deserved better! Might as well kill them because they've been tainted with Lobdell's man musk." I once met Scott Lobdell. His man musk smelled of cheerios that were given penises by a mad scientist and then jerked off by sentient cabbages.

Okay, that last bit was a lie. I didn't sniff Scott when I met him even though he said, "Hello there. Would you like to sniff me?"

Okay, that last part was a lie as well! When I did meet him, he actually just ignored me and kept talking to his buddy that was nearby fucking roosters or something. Then he said, "Now get out of here, kid! I'm busy!" But he wasn't busy at all. I was only one of two people that were getting things signed by him. To be fair, I can't really blame that on him. Gail Simone didn't have a line either and I hear she always has throngs of people hanging around her table. I think maybe the residents of Portland, Oregon just had better things to do that day. Like take pictures with the whore from Serenity or the car from Supernatural!

Lois Lane shows Red Robin the secrets inside of her box. She also tells him that she can't live with a man because if a man were lying to her and didn't tell her, it would be over. So how does that work, exactly? Does the man have to make up something so that Lois feels he's being honest with her? If he doesn't have anything to reveal, does she figure he's lying and break up? How does she know when to break up with somebody?! Also, she's probably talking about Clark.

Thirty five years in the future (that's where Batman Beyond is from), Brother Eye has learned how to time travel by eating Bruce Wayne's brain. Now Brother Eye will send his Terminator back in time to stop Batman's rebel leader from destroying Brother Eye. And I suppose The Joker is Brother Eye's Terminator, right? Unless it will be a half-Joker, half-Batman robot monster.

I know I've mentioned it countless times so this is just a rhetorical device playing on the fact that I've said it so many times but have I ever said how much I hate comic book time travel stories? They're very rarely done well and almost always done exclusively as a shortcut to building a plot. Here's how it works. Create a dystopian version of the future. Send character back in time to warn people about the dystopian future. Heroes believe insane person that probably isn't actually from the future at all and work to prevent the horrible future from coming true. The heroes do the proper things and the horrible future disappears from reality! Unless it never existed in the first place. Anyway, it's just a simple way to get heroes working toward saving the world without really putting much thought into it.

Cadmus Island gets a few pages but I don't think they're worth talking about. Basically Faraday joins Fifty Sue's Anti-Brother Eye team.

Mister Terrific learns from The Key and Coil that they were hired by Bruce Wayne to break into Terrifitech. He was the guy putting up all that Final Job Money! How did I not guess that in Issue #1? Who else in the DC Universe has Final Job Money? Or is it called One Last Job Security Blanket? Anyway, I was probably too distracted by Coil and hoping against hope that it wasn't the asshat that Ann Nocenti wrote about in Katana.

So now the scene is set. Sometime in the last five years, Earth was invaded by Apokoliptian forces from Earth 2. The residents of Earth 2, the Twofers, sought asylum. But since the refugees were all doubles of people still living on Earth, they were feared and not trusted. And some were probably spies and some probably helped Apokolips and all that other stuff. So the war takes place, a lot of heroes did a lot of stuff they weren't proud of, and a lot of them died as well. Afterward, the world was split between people that wanted to help the Twofers to assimilate and those that didn't trust them. Mister Terrific seems to have made quite a name for himself, possibly helped along by the fact that he came over from Earth 2 but was originally from this Earth. Plus he's a genius and all that garbage. Sloan did just as well but was busy making technology for the people that didn't trust the Twofers. He probably has something to do with Cadmus. Anyway, Mister Terrific has also gotten help from Brother Eye and Brainiac. His help leads to the world thirty five years in the future where everybody has been assimilated, something DC loves to use as a plot point. In that future, Mister Terrific regrets what he did. Batman hasn't been seen much but he's just now entered the picture as the man behind The Key's gang trying to steal technology from Mister Terrific. In the future, he was the leader of the rebel army fighting back against Brainiac's robots and assimilated heroes. His last hope was sending Batman Beyond to the past to destroy Brother Eye before it is activated. But he landed too far in the future and now must try to stop Brother Eye from being reactivated since it was disabled during the war. And I guess that's pretty much it! I suppose I could mention that Green Arrow has a rebel group on an island ready to go against Cadmus but then I'd be in danger of boring myself by talking about Green Arrow.

In the last scene, Tim Drake tells Mad Payne that he's really Red Robin and she tells him to go suck dicks.

Futures End #20 Rating: No change. I'm still waiting for something to surprise me! Or for something to not be derivative of Star Trek or The Terminator! Maybe I can be turned around on this comic by somebody fucking somebody else. How about it, Gifazzmiregens? Make some people fuck some other people!

Futures End #13

When Red Robin isn't tending bar, he likes to drive homeless people out of the city.

Have you ever noticed how many goody-two-shoes, be-a-better-person, trite-as-shit posts get reblogged on Tumblr every day? And yet nearly everybody you ever encounter is a selfish asshole with their nose pressed up against their stupid cell phone? Do people believe that appreciating a nice sentiment is just about the same as being a kind person? I really don't know since I can't fucking stand those posts that tell me to smile or pay compliments or do small acts of kindness or whatever. I can also type out things that I think would be nice if people did them. Typing is fucking easy! And you know what's even easier than that? Hitting reblog and then forgetting about the post! Not that I think any of those goddamned posts improve anybody's life at all. People are just addicted to the momentary warm feeling that occurs when they suspect they can live life better, become happier, and feel life can have meaning if only they'd pursue it.

Here's my advice: stop imagining yourself as a different person. If you like the way you are and you've never paid for a stranger's coffee, don't start now just because a stupid fucking quote posted by Joe Hill or reblogged by Neil Gaiman said you should. Somebody else believes in small gestures! Big fucking deal! Here are the things I believe would make somebody happy! Maybe you should try my list too!

The only problem with my list is that it doesn't create the illusion that people are inherently kind and generous. There's a reason for that! Because I don't cotton to lies!

Whoops. I meant to just get right to the review. Sorry about all those extraneous words. Unless extraneous means something other than what I wanted it to mean!

The issue begins with Cal and Mad getting robbed.

I'm fairly certain that necklace had a tracker in it, so Cal will be getting you a "new one" fairly soon.

Following this scene is a scene which reminds everybody that Mister Terrific is worried about the threat of Future Batman. Then there's a scene where Grifter and Fifty Sue sneak about Cadmus to discover that normal people from Earth 2 are being held in secret cells beneath the island. Also I guess it shows Grifter can differentiate normal Earth 2 people from New Earth people with his "They Live" vision.

If I felt these scenes were more important, I'd go into more detail about them. I guess if you wanted to write a term paper about Mister Terrific's scene, you'd begin by discussing personal ethics and morality and whether or not they should be abandoned at times for the greater good. Mister Terrific has recently compromised his beliefs to, as he lies to himself, protect the world. He does acknowledge that the Mindboggler Cyborg scares him but doesn't acknowledge that the terror is the main reason he's begun to ignore his personal ethical philosophy. It's too bad because it's fear which is always the beginning of the end. When people are frightened, they tend to make poor decisions by choosing answers that make them feel safer. Batman knows this which is why he'll never kill. Not because he wants to be better than the bad guys but because he knows that killing The Joker would make him, and the people of Gotham, feel less frightened. Which means killing The Riddler would as well. And The Penguin. And Zsasz.

Hmm, Zsasz actually probably should be killed. The evidence for all of his murders is right there on his body! I wonder if Zsasz will slice his own throat when he's run out of room on his body, the space left over to mark his final kill!

Here's the resolution to that first scene. Lots of pages to tell the reader something they already knew: Cal is Red Robin! Geez, Futures End! We knew that as soon as Lois Lane began her investigation because she's the best investigative journalist ever.

I wonder when the first truly interesting revelation will happen in Futures End? Or when somebody else will die! I want to see super hero corpses already! Green Arrow's death wasn't enough. Fuck, Green Arrow's death was expected!

Here's a revelation: The Key and his team still haven't gotten around to doing their Terrifitech job! And now they've decided they don't want to do it with Terry McBatman so Plastique knocks him unconscious with a paper airplane bomb. In other words, thirteen issues in and The Key's team is still no closer to their robbery than when they started.

I suppose the discussion between Big Barda and Emiko shine a little light on Five Years in the Future New Earth. The war that has been referenced on multiple occasions was with Apokolips. Since the people of Earth 2 are treated with such suspicion and fear, the warriors from Apokolips must have used Earth 2 as a base to invade New Earth. The civilian population of Earth 2 fled to New Earth and were kept in concentration camps until the end of the war. That's when people like Mister Terrific began trying to fight for equality for Earth 2 civilians. Other people like Lois Lane use people's Earth 2 civilian status as ways to threaten their jobs! Cadmus has taken on the job of secretly imprisoning Earth 2 heroes. With their recruitment of Grifter, it looks like they might want to capture normal Earth 2 civilians as well, possibly suspecting a rebellion brewing. Or just because they're those fearful people that trade their ethics away for a feeling of safety.

If she comes peacefully, at least she'll be with Scott. Although why would she come peacefully? She can kick Deathstroke's ass easy.

Futures End #13 Rating: -2 Ranking. This is basically an Elseworlds title where anything can go and yet it continues to bore me, issue after issue. I suppose too many things have been planned for the DC September Extravaganza for the writers of Futures End to just go off the rails. I guess that's the problem. I'm on one of those rides at Disney where you can imagine a lot of fantastic stuff could happen but in reality, you're just puttering along stuck to a predetermined path along a stupid fucking rail.

Futures End #10

The Modern Era of comic books began when The Key stopped wearing his ridiculous fucking costume (not pictured. Should I picture it? Maybe I should picture it after the caption!).

Remember a time when super heroes were often beaten by people dressed like this?

I bet The Key just got angrier and angrier every time he was arrested by a super hero and they'd say, "I'm locking you up and throwing away the key!" Batman alone probably used that one a half dozen times. Another reason he was always angry was because you don't give a guy known as The Key that can open any locks the normal, run-of-the-mill cavity search. Oh no. You've got to get those digits way on up there just to make sure. Is it possible to shove an entire fist up an asshole and then open your hand and feel around? Because that's probably the treatment he got every time he was sent to prison. They probably even had to make sure his dickhole was clean of lockpicks. With a little conditioning, you can get a whole set up there.

Anyway, that's what happened to The Key. He really just thought he'd try his hand at super villainry by dressing up and robbing a few banks. But after the constant punning after being captured and the incessant body searches, he eventually turned pale and white, his hair went gray, and he just plain stopped caring about his appearance. His tormentors turned him into a ghoul that was too angry and traumatized to be whimsical. When he came back in Grant Morrison's Justice League run, those fucking Justice League members deserved everything they got.

This issue begins with masked Superman breaking through a wall because he's forgotten how to open doors. At first I thought Masked Superman might be Power Girl. But she's a prisoner on Cadmus Island, so then I thought maybe Kara. But I never really liked that guess because Kara is way too sleight to pull off Superman. So now, judging on the way the skin tight suit is fitting, I think it might be Booster Gold. He's got that force field that can do most of the work for him, plus his Legion Flight Ring, and any other future tech he may have access to. Plus he hasn't been around since he tried being an old west sheriff.

Superman is trashing a science lab where science happens and threatening the life of Ethan Boyer. Hopefully Lois Lane isn't around recording his on the record death threats! That would be just like an ace investigative journalist!

Oh shit! Spin control! Spin control!

Even when I'm joking, I can't help guessing plot points! I figured Lois was still investigating her stupid numbers that some whacko nutjob sent her in the mail. How could she have gotten back here so quickly? Not only that, why the fuck is she here?! Shouldn't Superman be questioning why she was in this lab? If she knew the lab was abandoned and she came to check it out, why is she grilling Superman about why he has also come to check it out? I guess that's what makes her such a great journalist! She knows she shouldn't be in this building either so she instantly puts the other person on the spot! Or maybe she's actually Ethan Boyer's shapeshifting alien clone! Oh wait. I forgot I was reading DC for a second and not Marvel. It's probably just Lois.

Meanwhile at The Wounded Duck (get it? Red Robin is a lame duck because he's not superheroing anymore? He's so clever!), Coil continues, ten issues on, to point out to The Key that he hasn't officially joined their Terrifitech Raiding Party. Can you waste any more time, asshole?! Either bow out or agree to try the fucking plan already! Why can't The Key just use his brain unlocking, mind control, really fucking stretching the idea of his powers power and force him to agree?

Terry McBatman might know how to convince Coil to join the team though.

Coil is about ready to agree to the plan with Terry McBatman's new information and a floor plan of Terrifitech at his disposal. And instead of letting this guy convince Coil so they can get on with their raid, The Key tries to send him packing. This is why The Key has never been a very successful evil mastermind! Trying to form a team of somewhat confident individuals isn't anything like hiring a bunch of thugs and forcing them to refer to themselves as Key-Men.

When The Key acts up, Terry McBatman Tonga Death Strikes his ass and knocks him out cold.

How does Red Robin know Terry pulled the "deathless" version on The Key? Does the regular version cause the head to explode?

When the bartender mentions he knows Batman, Terry gets jealous and decides to move the meeting of his new gang somewhere else. After they leave, Red Robin catches his girlfriend snooping through his stuff. So he rewards her with some jewelry! It's nice to know somebody cares so much that they'd root through your belongings to try to uncover things about your past that you might want to stay in the past. It's also nice to know that your significant other cares enough to give you a necklace that probably has a tracer in it and maybe even a microphone so he can listen in to all of your conversations. What a great relationship they have!

Meanwhile in space, we learn that Hawkman gets off on being dominated and that a member of Stormwatch other than Hawkman survived the attack by the Cancelator. It's either Apollo or The Engineer since their bodies were missing. I suppose it could also be Midnighter because he probably slowed his breathing and heartbeat down to a level that would allow him to float around in space for weeks before dying.

Back on Cadmus Island, Grifter fills half a page with his Narration Boxes, so nothing much has changed with him in the last five years. He also manages to get his ass beat by an invisible OMAC. Maybe it's Predator OMAC! Did Dark Horse lose their rights to The Predator? Deathstroke's sidekick, Fifty Sue (is that her name because it rhymes with 52? Is she from Earth 50? Is she a boy named Sue?) doesn't know anything about the OMAC that beat Grifter but she'd like to. So now she finally has a reason to keep Grifter alive: as bait for the invisible OMAC.

And finally in Vancouver, British Columbia, Green Arrow's sister outs Big Barda.

She calls herself "Jane Kirby" because she wants to be anonymous, like a Jane Doe, and she's a huge fan of Bruce Kirby.

Futures End #10 Rating: No change. I almost began this final paragraph with a statement about something I didn't yet know and then realized it would just be a statement that people would want to answer, so I decided not to say it. So let me say this instead: when did DC decide that colorists were human enough to get their names on the cover?! That's a bold move, DC! Next they're going to want adequate compensation and health benefits for their pets.

Futures End #5

Want to play a game? How about a game of thermonuclear break-up?

This issue begins with Mister Terrific pitching his T-Balls to the public but rebranding them uSpheres and making them different somehow. I don't care how because I find Mister Terrific incredibly obnoxious. I also find all the people salivating for his newest technology pathetic. He doesn't even explain what the uSpheres do! Unless I'm supposed to take him at his word and truly believe they're backup files for a person's brain. Which is just stupid. I don't want people using what's in my head for their own purposes if I ever get hit by a car! And I don't want my brain downloaded into some other creature to act like me when I'm dead! When my light winks out, I'm outta here! Who wants to be reminded that I died every time you're insulted by something that thinks it's me?! These uSpheres sound awful.

Mister Terrific didn't even need a new product. His fans are so rabid that they would stand before the stage, mouths agape like baby birds while Mister Terrific jerked himself off onto the spectators. Have some iSperm, you zombies! I mean uSperm! I didn't mean to slip out of the allegory!

A super annoying hero!

Grifter has found himself paralyzed and held captive by King Faraday of I-Spy fame. Unless nobody fucking remembers I-Spy. I sure as hell don't! But he's in my Who's Who and that's what it says his code name was! It also says his first appearance was in Danger Trail #1 which sounds awfully exciting! It also says that King Faraday "is an Olympic-level athlete and highly skilled hand-to-hand combatant" and that he's "expert with all forms of firearms and countless other weapons." Countless other weapons! So like the list of pole-arms in Dungeons and Dragons?

Meanwhile on Cadmus Island, a woman named Fury-Squar-rrk is trying to escape. She kills two different OMAC creatures and then gets eye-blasted by a little girl in a dandelion shirt. This is the same little girl with which King Faraday seems to have partnered a paralyzed Grifter. I don't know if she's a new version of Superboy or if she's just another Cadmus Genomorph. She's dressed a bit like Punky Brewster. But since this comic book is weekly, it can answer questions next week. For now, it's time to catch up with Jasonstorm and Ronniestorm.

After weeks of living inside Ronnie Raymond's filthy little skull, Jason Rusch is set free when Ronnie shuts down Firestorm.

No! Not Ronnie's Mom! But I found her dog dick dinners and her intolerance adorable!

Ronnie runs home crying while Jason begins letting people know he isn't dead in a ditch. The first person he talks to is a professor building a teleporter. He mentions how the Justice League have that technology but keep it from the rest of the world. If that's true, they're huge dicks. I always just assumed they got the tech from one of America's not-so-secret black ops groups and it was the United States government that was hoarding the technology. Although I can see Batman not giving away technology secrets. He's a fucking businessman!

Meanwhile in Kansas, John Constantine makes some new friends.

I hope by "Tommy" she means Tommy Monaghan. I know it appeared his entire Preboot comic run had actually already taken place according to that scene in Batman and Two-Face but since this is a weird, probably alternate future, I can dream, right?

The Tommy guy has way more facial hair and bulk than the old Hitman had but he's wearing dark glasses in the dark, so it could be him! In this alternate reality, he may have eaten all of the meals that Amanda Waller seems to have avoided. He actually looks more like Vandal Savage than Hitman but when did Vandal every go by "Tommy"?! The woman's name is Midge and I don't know her. But then I'm not caught up on the last eight years of Hellblazer. And I've pretty much forgotten the years before that! Also maybe she's new!

Constantine was pulled to Kansas by Midge and Tommy to investigate some crop circles. He realizes they're ancient killing fields. He may or may not realize they're in the shape of Firestorm's chest design. Unless they're in the shape of Daemonite landing rockets. I can't answer those questions this week because there will be more comic book next week! I bet none of the questions get answered then either!

Futures End #5 Rating: No change. Still no way to tell if Futures End is good or bad or boring or exciting. It still just feels like it's launching from the dock and it's not quite out past the buoys where it can really start humming along. That's some kind of ship metaphor! But I don't know anything about ships or metaphors, so you can probably ignore it.

Team 7 #8

Single Red Rose. Romantic Lightning. Pandora's Box Exploding From Being Touched. This was a good date!

Last issue I mentioned how confused I was about the creation of Majestic. I thought I'd cleared it all up and decided that Kaizen Gammora had sent Spartan to activate Majestic so that Kaizen would have the chance to kill a God. And then I opened this issue to the first page.

So now John Lynch is taking credit for it?

Maybe Lynch is taking credit for creating Majestic but not activating the meta-gene. Perhaps Team 7 found a way to manipulate and alter the meta-gene so that when it was activated, the resulting super power was tailor made to the person. That would make sense in that Black Canary's codename was "Canary" before she knew she could scream people's brains out. I think her codename was Canary because she was always the first one in a room to smell a fart.

The idea that Team 7 was working in experimental Meta-Gene splicing techniques probably also explains why they were big into cloning the children of active members and/or interns! I don't know. It seemed to make sense when I thought it.

Then again, I don't think my commentaries on Team 7 are a very accurate portrayal of this comic book and what it's doing because I tend to sleep through most of it.

And then something touches Amanda like the fluttering of a moth's wings. Except this moth was the size of Tokyo and the wings fluttered with the impact of a 20 megaton missile.

I have no idea what a megaton is. It sounds like either a lot of tons, or one really super amazing ton that all the really popular and cute chicks have a crush on.

So here comes this tidal wave and it's crashing into buildings and breaking everything and turning over cars and drowning the shit out of everybody and Team 7 grabs their guns and go, "Let's rock!" Or at least that's what I'm assuming they're going to do since the only plan they've worked on over the years is Shoot Lots of Bullets Until We Win plan.

But you did it to yourself! You created Majestic with Spartan! Didn't you? I'M SO FUCKING CONFUSED!

Kaizen Gamorra's palace was not swept away in the tidal wave so Team 7 actually might be able to use their guns to survive. Or at least survive until the building collapses on them and they all drown. John Lynch sends Steve Trevor, Deathstroke, Grifter, and Higgins to pick up the chopper and bring it back to save them all. Why is he sending the best muscle they have to get the helicopter?! Send Amanda Waller and Kurt Lance! They can't do shit! At least he's keeping Black Canary so she can scream at everything and cause the building to collapse even faster.

Commencing Stratagem "Shoot Lots of Bullets Until We Win"!

The plan doesn't work very well because it doesn't have enough holes in it. Unless that saying is different somehow. But I can't see how it is different since the entire point of the plan is to put a lot of holes in Kaizen Gamorra. The magic from Pandora's Box easily deflects the bullets and leaves Team 7 in the situation they always find themselves. You remember the one? The one where their guns don't help them and they have to resort to Plan B: Twiddle Our Thumbs Until Something Else Saves Us?

SAVED BY LOOOOOOOOVE!

Majestic returns from the ocean although I thought he was just going to nap down there for five or six years until he one day decided to come back as Jericho's puppet. I guess he's still got some work to do before his siesta.

Slade Wilson has a theory that John Lynch's monkeys have altered their genes so now none of them are really human. I want a comic book that stars John Lynch's Monkey Gene Manipulators! Is that too much to ask? I know DC is listening to the things I want. I'm like their perfect target audience! A person who thinks Aquaman would be a better super hero if he got a hobby and concentrated on that (but not writing! Because then he would be Grunion Guy and lawyers would have to get involved!) and The Goddamned Batman is Goddamned A-MAY-ZING. I'm also their target demographic because I hate everything that Scott Lobdell writes but I still buy it anyway. STOP DOING THAT, PEOPLE! I only do it because I'm the Jesus Christ of Comic Book Reading! I suffer so you don't have to!

Majestic returns to finish off the Kaizen and pick up Pandora's Box. Apparently the Box only falls for strong people because it's a shallow piece of shit that knows what it likes. So how can I fault it for being shallow if it's only doing what it truly wants to do? This is a conundrum of the sort not seen since that one that goes, "Can God make a rock so heavy that he can exist?"

Everybody tries to convince Majestic not to open Pandora's Skull but fuck them, they aren't all powerful! Majestic can do whatever he wants! Majestic don't give a fuck. He even punches Kurt right in the face, killing him.

No, wait. That can't be right. Kurt has to be alive so Dinah can kill him later. Plus he still needs to father a child with Amanda.

Why does Majestic call Kurt Black Canary's husband? When did they get married?! In his Narration Box retelling of the story, John Lynch has been calling her Dinah Drake. Maybe Majestic can see the future. Or he was making an elementary school joke about how much Black Canary must love Kurt for sticking up for him.

To keep Majestic from opening Pandora's Box (because they all truly believe that Pandora's Box is a real thing and that it somehow still has a bunch of shit in it even though Pandora already opened it and all that's left inside it is hope so who the fuck cares if Majestic opens it! Oh, maybe because Hope will escape and then mankind won't have any hope and everyone will kill themselves?), John Lynch remembers how they were saved by Love earlier against Kaizen. So they all hold hands and Black Canary sings, "All You Need Is Love", right into Majestic's face! It's too much for him to stand! It's also too much for anything to stand. The Palace is completely destroyed and Team 7 is left lying in the rubble with Pandora's Skull.

Majestic and Kurt have disappeared and John Lynch goes nuts, deciding it's his turn to get Pandora's Skull. But Waller kicks him in the face and knocks the Skull back in its Box and gives it to Dinah who take it aboard Trevor's helicopter where Trevor invents a place called The Black Room to keep it safe. And then Amanda Waller shoots John Lynch in the head and retires from secret government organizations forever.

And that's the end of Team 7 for now! Amanda and mortally wounded John Lynch (although he recovers at some point so maybe not so mortally wounded) are left stranded on the remnants of Gamorra. I bet Amanda eventually finds Kurt Lance and the begin the baby making process. I think that has to do with getting coffee or holding hands or something. Majestic probably remains napping under the ocean until Deathstroke #19. And the rest of Team 7 heads home. Maybe on the way, Grifter pushes Trevor out of the helicopter and he lands on Themyscira. And Dinah Drake decides to finally change her last name to Lance to honor her husband whose head she didn't blow off but she still thinks she killed. They weren't married for very long, poor kids.

Team 7 #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm throwing it a bone because it's done and it tells a piece of the origin of Pandora's Skull. At least the origin for how it ended up in A.R.G.U.S.'s Black Room.

Team 7 #7

This may be the dumbest fold-out cover so far. It might be acceptable if Pandora were on the first page and maybe if it said, "Team 7 & Pandora against the rage of Majestic." Maybe.

The big shocker last issue was when Ramos died. Ramos. You know? RAMOS. The pilot? R. A. M. O. S. RAMOS! Sheesh. Maybe you'd remember when Alex Fairchild was killed by his daughter, Caitlin? I wish I had more deaths to point out but that was it. Also, Bronson was transformed into Majestic by the cyber creature Spartan.

The way this issue begins, it proves that I completely didn't understand the previous issue. I thought Spartan was something Team 7's prosthetic research lab had created which got out of control. Maybe that's what happened but maybe not. It seems Gamorra was somehow behind it and Spartan was supposed to target Bronson. But if Gamorra was behind it, why did it activate Bronson's meta-gene and turn him into Majestic when Majestic's first act after the transformation was to destroy Gamorra (as seen in the double splash page on pages 2 and 3 of this issue).

Perhaps Kaizen Gamorra wanted to be attacked by Majestic so he could defeat Majestic and prove himself King of the World?

Or was Spartan the thing created by Lynch to give super powers to all of Team 7? I wonder if I would be following this comic more closely if I was more interested in it? How can I not be completely interested in a team that flies into battle in a giant pink slipper?

The new alive pilot is Steve Trevor.

I guess Team 7 has run out of time on the comic book store shelves, so they decided to shut down Kaizen Gamorra by Issue Seven instead of allowing the island to be the main threat throughout the comic book's run. Plus Lynch states this is the last time Team 7 operated on a unit. Ewww. Oh, wait. Operated "as" a unit.

No, wait wait. I guess he is talking about penises. I think.

The Gamorran soldiers are called Basilisks? So is Basilisk over in Suicide Squad related to Gamorra? Is that why they were supposed to be such a big deal? DC was really trying to give the Wildstorm Universe a chance to shine by making the Daemonites and Basilisk huge threats. Too bad none of the stories they've been in were interesting or well written.

Next Lynch begins discussing fucking puppies and I begin to realize why Team 7 is so horrible. Their leader is an insane zoophile who can't stop referencing penises in his after action battle reports. While Lynch is waxing philosophic about Brazilian waxing kittens, everybody but Dinah Drake is wounded. So Dinah screams in frustration and learns that Bronson wasn't the only person who had a meta-gene activated.

This has got to be the worst depiction of Black Canary I've ever seen. It looks like she's dry heaving after breast enlargement surgery.

According to Lynch's after action reports, during a brief lull in his metaphors for erect penises, he mentions that Gamorra did activate Bronson's gene before Team 7 could even though Team 7 had been planning to do it all along. Why did Gamorra do it? Fuck if I know! I guess that thing about Kaizen Gamorra wanting to kill a God is a good enough excuse.

Eventually using Plan Shoot Everything in the Face and Keep Moving One Foot in Front of the Other, Team 7 reaches the inner sanctum of Kaizen Gamorra's palace where he keeps the bald headed little Oracle children. Hey, I think I remember these guys from a long time ago! These kids decide to show Team 7 a glimpse of the future. I bet it's an empty spot on the comic book shelf among the other comics that begin with "T".

The vision is the cover of this issue: Majestic and Team 7 battling Pandora. And then I realize why Kaizen Gamorra's three eyed skull at the beginning was so familiar. He has Pandora's Box and he seems to have the power to open it. And just as he's about to open it and cause who knows what the fuck to happen, Majestic flies into space, turns about, and speeds down into the Earth causing a massive tidal wave to roll towards the island of Gamorra.

Team 7 #7 Rating: No change. I guess Team 7 has one more issue left? That's my guess anyway. It never held my interest much anyway. Too many characters I didn't care about because there was too little characterization. But most of all, too much Eclipso.