Justice League #35

Do any criminals in the DC Universe still rob banks?

I'd like to begin by thanking DC Comics for publishing two issues of Justice League and two issues of Wonder Woman this month because it was really fucking bothering me that they were on issue #34 while everybody else was on #35. Except for all those later generation comic books. Those things are all over the place.

Last issue, Grodd lactated all over Metropolis while battling Superman and Lex Luthor. It looks like Grodd's titty milk is a Level 5 Biohazard (that's if Level 5 is the highest in the imaginary biohazard ranking I just made up).

Somebody needs to judge those who do or else those who do will continue to think that those who don't find comic books written by Scott Lobdell acceptable.

It's rather annoying how often thin-skinned creators lash out at people who criticize their work, especially with this idea that people criticizing their shit are lazy, unimaginative, bitter assholes that can't create art themselves. Okay, so I accept I'm bitter. But I think creators need to realize that people do things that they enjoy. And some people deconstruct comic books in a hyperbolic manner instead of writing comic books because they enjoy critiquing things more than they enjoy creating the types of things they enjoy critiquing. Understand, J.T. Krul? I mean, Scott Lobdell? I mean, Geoff Johns? Yes, you happen to get paid for writing comic books and television shows and believing in Aquaman. But that only works if you're good at what you do (or if you can cultivate a fandom so that they'll buy anything that involves a character they love no matter how long it is written by Scott Lobdell). And even artsy fartsy creators need to be know when they're just jerking off the donkey and calling it a finished script. I will agree that it depends on the level of criticism and the effort put into it as to whether it's worthy of value on its own merit. Somebody posting online with "Geoff Johns sucks!" probably isn't adding anything of value to the comic book community. But if they say "Geoff Johns sucks because he wrote Lex Luthor acknowledging that it's hard for normal human beings to find a way to save the world because they're not heroes. And since he was in the same boat and felt the same way, he found a way to help! He joined the Justice League and became a hero! Wait, how does that help again? Thanks for the advice, asshole!"

Oh wait! He goes on!

That's communist talk!

Just like me, always jumping to conclusions and inserting my own digital narcissistic individuality into the conversation! How silly of me to think I'm a unique snowflake with a perspective that might have something to add!

Okay fine. I admit it! I don't have anything positive to add to our cultural conversation about making the world a better, kinder, gentler, nicer place! I guess I'll just shut up and go back to reading my comic books which aren't all about violence and women in skimpy outfits and narcissistic individualistic writers that can't stand it when somebody points out they're not very good at their job.

Anyway, Lex is saying all of this at a public press conference, so you know it's all lies. So, um, good job, Geoff Johns! This is exactly the type of bullshit Lex wants people to think he believes. It's also the kind of bullshit Bruce Wayne wants people to think he believes as well so that they never question why he's making so much money every time Batman cleans up part of Gotham and the area becomes gentrified. How have no investors not noticed that dangerous areas of Gotham where Bruce Wayne has purchased lots and lots of cheap real estate soon become targeted by Batman for cleanup? Are they not paying attention? If anybody could figure out Bruce Wayne was Batman, it should be the real estate flip floppers!

Bruce Wayne and Lex Luthor have now become partners. And by "partners," I mean two billionaires trying to steal as many ideas from the other billionaire so that they can crush them under their gold plated boot.

It's always a good idea to discuss secret identities and Justice League business out of costume in a huge crowd of people. It's probably not as good an idea for Clark Kent to be seen with Wonder Woman, even if she is in her sunglasses disguise.

Luthor begins to win over the crowd so Bruce Wayne bawls like a baby recounting a story about his parents because God forbid Lex Luthor steal any attention away from Bruce Wayne.

The entire Justice League are hanging out in civilian clothes ready for Bruce's word that he's found some of Lex's dirty diapers. Is that what you call criminal business activity?

For some reason, Aquaman is stationed on the roof. Probably because he brought the trident on a covert stakeout. Or because Cyborg just really wanted to say that Arthur will "dive in" if he's needed.

He won't be needed.

Lex gives Bruce the tour as Bruce desperately finds some evidence to punch Lex in the face.

"Look at all the shit I can use to kill Superman! I mean, um, Zod!"

Lex has a point. Superman keeps an awful lot of dangerous bullshit in his Antarctic Arctic Fortress just because he can. Hell, he doesn't even keep it locked up and safe anymore! Now he's off giving fossil fuel dependent monster plants to his girlfriend! Superman isn't a menace because he may one day turn on the human race. Superman is a menace because he's a careless, irresponsible asshole.

The tour is interrupted by a person named Neutron breaking into LexCorps and trying to kill Lex Luthor. Or he was just a distraction paid by Lex to interrupt the tour before Batman found that super duper illegal something that Lex is obviously hiding from everybody.

There it is! Right there, Batman! Arrest him! Arrest him now!

Justice League #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is far more interesting with Lex Luthor as a member of the team.

Batman Loves Superman #15

Felix Faust did this trick years ago, Satan's Anus.

My moods shift too quickly! I had something gnawing at my brain that I wanted to rant about and then I got distracted by something that I can't even remember distracted me now and I can't remember what I wanted to spew venom at! Also, I'm not mad at anything because I forgot what I wanted to be mad at! It was probably Greg Pak and his stupid Satan's Anus character. Sure, sure. I know he didn't invent Satan's Anus. I think Dante invented that. But Pak didn't invent the character either. He just changed some letters in his name and then set him up in a hole orbiting Earth.

It's also possible I never actually had anything in mind to rant about and I'm just wasting time so I don't have to read this stupid story. I should be more like that character in Memento. I can tattoo my body with "facts" and write other "facts" on Polaroids so that I can constantly manipulate myself into being entertaining. I can just glance at my body and scream, "OH YEAH! FUCKING JOURNALISTS! FUCK THEM RIGHT IN THEIR ASS FACES!"

Jesus Christ. Who knew ears could grow so much of their own hair?! Fucking aging is bullshit.

Here's a picture of Judas hanging out with me because I'm still avoiding reading Batman Loves Superman #15.

This issue begins, just like that last couple, with Satan's Anus having a discussion with Caillou the Chaosbringer. They're playing a trick on Batman and Superman by taking away their memories so that, hopefully, Lois Lane will fuck Batman and Superman will fuck Catwoman.

What kind of a shitty chaos bringer follows rules?!

"All they have to do is want to remember"? That's bullshit, Caillou, and you know it! So Bruce approaching Alfred and asking him how to remember to be Batman again so he can save lives doesn't qualify for wanting to remember? And Superman asking the Toyman for answers to who Superman is supposed to be isn't either? Well, okay. I buy that one. Why ask Toyman?! What the fuck does that asshole know? Although Superman has lost his memory, so why shouldn't he believe just anybody in the DC Universe can tell him who he is?

I think Batman has already remembered but he's just using his amnesia to try to get into Lois Lane's underwear.

He probably doesn't even care about fucking her. He just wants to be able to lord it over Clark Kent.

Batman dresses up Lois Lane in a Batgirl outfit which proves that he definitely still hasn't recovered his memory because if they fuck while she's wearing that, things are going to get weird.

So is this the main reason Greg Pak wrote this story? So Bruce and Lois can fuck while Selina and Clark superfuck? I'm fairly certain this story exists in about five thousand other places online. How come Greg Pak is being paid to write awful fan fiction? I expect middling to decent fan fiction when I read professionally published comic books!

Meanwhile Superman and Catwoman and the Gotham SWAT Team are running around Gotham blowing up robots. Superman doesn't want to remember who he is because he was a pathetic loser before now. Now, he's a guy running around without a shirt watching cops beat the shit out of bad guys. Or possible bad guys. Or, you know, whomever. He hasn't even made a move on Catwoman! I guess Superman's got a bit of a violence kink.

Superman turns into that power hungry madman that everybody constantly expects him to become because it's the most boring thing a writer can write. I suppose Greg Pak heard that whole "Absolute power is next to godliness" or whatever that was on that ceramic thing hanging in my Grandmother's bathroom. Oh! I remember. "Absolute power corrupts absolutely." So trite, boring writers remember somebody once said that (I think it was Hamilton Berger from Perry Mason) and then they snap their fingers and say, "Gee whiz! Superman has absolute power! I bet he'd really be corrupted!" Then they write bullshit nonsense like this where people have to convince Superman not to be absolutely corrupted because hugs or something.

"I think I always remembered better when Batgirl was giving me a blow job!"

No Memory Batman realizes all he has to do to remember is to remember! But what of his love for Lois Lane?! Will he forget that he wanted to put her vagina in his mouth? Yeah, probably. Greg Pak's main plot is to make his characters forget the stories he writes about them. Which is good because most of the stories he writes about them are awful messes.

Why would Batman also be thinking, "Maybe if I kiss him, I can recognize who he is if I've ever kissed him outside of his costume and then publish Batman's identity and win a Pulitzer and be lauded with fame and fortune?"

Batman remembers everything that has ever happened to him plus some other things as well. Like he remembers Batgirl lying in a puddle of blood for some reason. Even in The New 52, I thought Barbara Gordon, not Batgirl, was shot by The Joker? Oh well, Batman remembers things from a perspective outside his own body anyway, so that distracts me from the whole Batgirl thing and weirds me the fuck out. Although, maybe I do remember my own memories as if they're were shot by a camera crew! Let me think about when I lost my virginity. Don't worry, it'll only take a few seconds. Let's see...nope. I don't remember it from an outside angle or with any dignity. Although almost immediately afterward, I did admire myself naked in a bathroom mirror to see if I had actually changed in any significant way, so that's kind of like remembering the experience from an outside perspective! Also, I only remember changing in one way: I was hungry afterward.

Next Superman remembers everything that happened to him! He remembers tragedy and loss and learning about his indestructible blanket. Why didn't either of these guys remember fucking people?! I totally would have remembered that time at that party at Chris Humphrey's house when I was trying to play poker and that girl kept sliding her hand into the hole in my sweats. Although before that, when we were at my cousin's house and we were all outside getting into cars to head to Chris's house, the girl's friend came up to me and got really close and smelled really good and she was so cute and she said, "Do you think my friend's cute?" and I didn't say, "No, I think you're cute." I said, "Uh...sure...um...who's your friend?" And her friend wasn't as cute and didn't smell as good as the first girl. Man! Why didn't I pursue the first girl? Also, I don't remember their names because this was a long time ago and I didn't really interact with them much past that night.

Okay fine. I dated the girl who kept molesting me while I was playing poker and I can't remember her name! I broke up with her on the phone when she said, "Just tell me if you never want to see me again." So I said, "I never want to see you again." And she said something like "You don't know how much you're hurting me" or something but I was already saying "Goodbye" and hanging up the phone. To add some context so that phone call doesn't make me look like an absolute monster, she did have sex with me without my consent! We were sexual but we had not engaged in the act of fornication because (and this will show how young I was at the time) I believed having sex is what made a girl fall in love with you! And I knew I wasn't interested in anything long term, so we mostly just got ourselves really worked up by groping and rubbing and making out. Then she would make some kind of comment about how many calories are in sperm but not do anything about it because she would hint that she wanted me to give her oral pleasure but I really was pretty lost when it came to "hints" and "signals" and "not saying exactly what you fucking want." Plus there was probably a pretty good chance I had already came in my pants and just wasn't interested anymore. Anyway, we fell asleep in my bed one night and I woke up to her on top me. You know, fucking me. Now, I didn't say no! I went with it. I'm just pointing out that it began without my consent!

Okay, fine! That entire story still makes me out to be a bastard. I never said I was a great human being! I was young and enjoying being pursued by whatever few women would pursue me and let me know I was being pursued by them by saying, "I am interested in you." Seriously, I pretty much needed to be hit by a train to know when somebody was interested in me.

Wow. This comic book really must be boring if it's getting me to tell sex stories that aren't flattering to me!

Also, I should apologize for the lack of detail in my sex stories. But what do you think this is? Sexblog Smut Central?

Did...did...did these two fuck each other?

After Batman and Superman remember who they are, they slink off embarrassed about how they acted. Then Satan's Anus takes the caged Caillou Chaosbringer into his nether realm so that they can fuck with Batman and Superman again at a later date. If Greg Pak hasn't been fired before that later date.

Batman Loves Superman #15 Rating: -3 Ranking. I did enjoy Greg Pak and Jae Lee's initial run on this series which is why it is still ranked so high. That story also used memory loss as a plot point but that was before I knew it was Greg Pak's crutch. Ever since that first story, this book has been sliding downhill fast.

Batman and Robin #35

Why is Batman standing in Kalibak's toilet?

So this reporter on 60 Minutes last Sunday was being a real fucking douchebag to a scientist that was just trying to cure hereditary conditions using genome therapy. But she didn't give a shit about that aspect of the story. She kept grilling him about how this technology is going to be used irresponsibly. "When are you going to use it for superficial changes? I know you will! You're a business! You're going to do it. Just tell me when you're going to do it. Tell me when you're going to play God." But he just kept repeating to this asshole that he's only interested in using the technology for the purposes he already explained to her and that while the technology was under his control, it wouldn't be used to produce made to order babies for super controlling parents.

By the way, why attack the scientist? If this technology exists, people are going to use it however they can. Attack the asshole parents that are going to insist on a straight son with no physical handicaps with blond hair and blue eyes and make sure he's over six feet tall and can you program him to love me and want to be the high school quarterback?! Parents try to force their kids to be what they want them to be after they're born; just imagine how many are going to want to pre-program their children to be exact duplicates of themselves? Leave the scientist alone! He's trying to do good shit! And even if he eventually decides to take money from some control freak parents to produce a baby to their exact specifications, so what? This is America, dammit! And last I checked, we're a capitalist country! So don't tell people that they can't make custom babies just because it weirds you out a little bit!

While I'm pissed off at 60 Minutes because it pretends to be above bullshit journalism but it really only deals in feel good human interest stories, how about we all stop accusing science of "playing God." God isn't a thing! Science is science! And science can do whatever scientists can get it to do and guess what? They're never playing God! They're playing scientist! How come nobody ever accuses parents of playing God? How dare you create life! That's God's job, you arrogant bastards!

Why doesn't somebody (a gathering of religious leaders from various religions, perhaps?) just come up with a list once and for all of things science should never be allowed to do because it would be "playing God." I think performing CPR is too much like what Jesus did for that Lazarus guy, so that should be out. Any resuscitation of any kind should be outlawed as "playing God." Once somebody dies, they're gone! Stop resurrecting people, doctors and scientists and part-time lifeguards! I think breeding dogs is too close to "playing God" as well. Stop with the creating new breeds of dogs, you bastards! You're going to bring God's wrath down on our heads! If he had wanted their to be Labradoodles, they would have been on the ark with Noah. Any kind of orgasm should be right out! No way in hell mankind should have the power to make people feel this good! That has to be a godly power.

There are probably a lot more (like mixing peanut butter with chocolate) but I'll be here all day thinking up things we should stop doing. There's just so many of them!

Um, anyway, Batman is currently on Apokolips looking for his dead, gay son. Whoops. Sorry. Lines from Heathers just constantly leak out of my head. Nothing I can do about it.

The lowlies of Apokolips have one, brief moment of joy as Batman murders their parademon captors.

While Batman searches for Godfrey, the man that stole his son's corpse and once told Earth that super heroes were assholes, Alfred finally does a job I've been asking to see for nearly a year! Peter J. Tomasi must have finally heard my complaints.

Even if Damian hadn't been killed, Alfred always knew this would eventually be his job.

Jason Todd, Barbara Gordon, and Tim Drake return because they thought maybe they heard Dick's voice just now? Wasn't that Dick? Also, they were hoping to catch Batman before he left to make sure he understood what they meant by no secrets. Does he know what a secret is? Does he know what the word "no" means? Also, they've decided that they should get to go to Apokolips too. How come Batman's the only one that gets to risk his life around here?

I like to believe that "Batmam" is not a typo. So cheeky, Batgirl!

The Bat Kids enjoy some time with Damian's pets while they think up a way to convince Cyborg to BOOM Tube them to Apokolips. Alfred suggests they use Batman's secret Cyborg weapon against Cyborg (or, being that this is Alfred we're talking about, he's just giving it to the Bat Kids to trade it to Cyborg for safe passage). I would just approach Cyborg and say, "Dude! It'd totes rock to take an awesome trip to Apokolips! Let's YOLO this shit, motherfucker! Teens rock!" And Cyborg will be all, "Oh yeah! That's right! I'm practically just a kid too! I forget being that I'm on this totally grown up league and not that little pissant bullshit Teen Titans group! No offense, Tim!" And Tim would be, "Totally offended, dude! Asshole! Metal dick!" And Cyborg will be all, "Not cool! Hey! Want to play some Yu-Gi-Oh later?" And Tim will be all, "Shut the front door! Hells yeah!" And Cyborg will be all, "Tubular! Cat's pajamas! Groovy! Hip to the lingo, buddy-o?!" And Batgirl will be all, "Shaw! Like, gag me with a spoon, all right?" And Jason Todd will be all, "Pip pip!" And Alfred will be all, "Get the fuck out of the cave and go save your father figure already, you dumb cunts!"

I hope I got the teen speak down! I've been taking an online course called "Scott Lobdell Teaches Older Than Fuck People How To Write Realistic Teenagers." I hope I got my money's worth!

But Alfred won't let the kids leave until they've talked to Batwoman to make sure she's protecting the city and not too busy with her lesbian stuff.

Why isn't Tomasi writing all of the Bat Books?!

Meanwhile on Apokolips, it looks like Darkseid has been out for the count ever since the Justice League kicked his ass five or six or seven years ago. Kalibak is in charge of things which must be why nobody has noticed Highfather getting up to no good looking for the Life Equation over in the universe that kicked Kalibak's dad's ass. Kalibak believes the Chaos Crystals Godfrey brought back to Earth will help restore Darkseid to power. But he doesn't realize that the Jeezly Crow Batman is right around the corner!

I only scanned this picture because Alfred and Batcow have not been in enough comics since they were introduced.

Instead of being honest with Cyborg and making friends with him since they're all about the same age, they decide to trick and betray him, ensuring that he'll never feel comfortable around them again. Fucking white assholes. I hope Cyborg kicks each of their asses in their own titles in the next few months.

Maybe next time, feel bad before frying his brains. And then approach him for his help in a friendly manner with lots and lots of hot dogs and root beer.

The Bat Kids suit up in Robin outfits and then Batgirl finishes molesting Cyborg. He BOOOMS and the kids are off to Apokolips! But before they can leave, Cyborg wakes up and charges into the tube after them! Titus hitches a ride on Cyborg's ankle as well. I had a feeling Titus would make the trip. Poor Alfred Pennyworth Cat and Batcow. They never get to go anywhere.

Currently on Apokolips, Batman has finally battled his way to confront Godfrey.

Hey! I said "pissant" earlier too!

Is it just a coincidence that "pissant" and "puissant" are basically antonyms?

During the confrontation with Godfrey, Batman makes it clear that he hasn't been murdering Godfrey's Justifiers. But he still might have been killing the parademons, right? Didn't the Justice League determine it was okay to kill them? Bah, I suppose even if Batman just incapacitated them, Red Hood is right on his heels probably putting bullets in everything's brains.

When Cyborg and Titus arrive just after the Bat Kids, Cyborg says, "Fuck you, dicks. Now let's go save Batman!" And Batgirl is all, "It was Red Hood's idea! He's a huge racist!"

And then Kalibak fires the newly armed Robin Death Beam, blowing up some planet full of people that have never mattered. Unless Grant Morrison decides to write a story from the doomed planet people's point of view that is full of weirdness and angst and more weirdness and some stuff that seems to make sense but probably doesn't but god forbid anybody admits to not understanding the story and looking like a right arsehole.

Batman and Robin #35 Rating: +1 Ranking! Except Batman and Robin is already my favorite comic book. Except it's not my favorite comic book! It just somehow wound up in the #1 spot! I think my favorite comic book is Swamp Thing. Unless it's Red Lanterns. No wait! It's probably...um, no, that's about it. My real favorites were all cancelled ages ago. I MISS YOU ETRIGAN!

Trinity of Sin #1

Yay! Time for some bad characterizations and pseudo-philosophical bullshit!

As you can tell by the caption above, I'm not exactly hyped about this Trinity of Sin comic book. J.M. DeMatteis had far more misses than hits during his Phantom Stranger run and I don't even remember who was writing Pandora. Was it DeMatteis too? Or Ray Fawkes? Whatever. Unless this comic book comes at these characters from a new angle, I can't be bothered to care about how the Powers That Be are punishing and torturing them for no reason. And none of them are just flipping off God or the Council of Wizards or Whatever Capitalized Name the Manipulator Goes By and just walking the fuck away from it all. Judas did nothing that wasn't expected of him. He has nothing to feel guilty about. Pandora did nothing with any malice or ill will. Punishing curiosity is a dick move, Council of Wizards. And The Question...um, well, I don't know about him. He might be a complete asshole. Right now he's a cypher. Which might be a synonym for asshole.

I do have to give Pandora credit for having the best outfit out of everyone in The New 52. Hell, all three of these Sinners are pretty swank! Although I don't like that The Phantom Stranger is encouraging people to wear capes and fedoras. That might be a decent reason to punish him for eternity.

The issue begins with some light sensitive bacteria Narration Boxing about how he lived through a beautiful age of darkness (some call this "night") only to suddenly have his kin wiped out by an eternity of light (some call this "day"). But eventually, after all but he were wiped out (he must be the 0.01% of bacteria that antibacterial soap can't kill), another unending age of darkness was upon him (again, "night")! But this time, the darkness called out to him! Called his name! "Nimraa," it whispered in that sexy, husky voice darkness always uses, "My servant. It's time." And that was when Nimraa climbed up into somebody careless enough to use a public toilet seat without wiping it down or putting down a toilet cover's anal fissure to destroy the world!

Get out your heavy ponchos! Here comes the pseudo-philosophical bullshit!

From now on whenever I'm at a restaurant, I'm going to ask the server, "Who am I?" I guess they'll realize I'm inquiring about the specials by tone and inflection?

The Question has no idea who he is even though he's been asking "Who am I?" for about two thousand years now. Nobody seems to know the answer. Or they keep answering some other question they think he's actually asking.

I suppose this means The Trinity of Sin is going to run fifty-two issues before revealing the identity of The Question? Or will The Question be The New 52's version of the Preboot Phantom Stranger where he had lots of possible origins but they never really nailed down who he was?

Also, there's no way this series will make it to issue #52!

This issue is called "The Wages of Sin, Part One: Nightfall." I would have called it "Sinchronicity!" (with the exclamation point so the reader knows, right off the bat, that it's going to be exciting). Or maybe I'd call it "Sinesthesia." Oh! I know! "Punishment Not Intended!" That's a pun on "pun not intended" and speaks to the punishments given to people that don't deserve them!

Anyway, The Question just found out that his landlady is actually a landfourarmedbullcreature. And rent is due!

A thousand questions that all happen to be the same question: Who am I?!

I guess this kind of thing kept happening to The Phantom Stranger and Pandora, issue after issue, so it's about time The Question had to deal with other worldly entities masquerading as human beings. I just have one question. Who am I?

Meanwhile The Phantom Stranger and Terrance Thirteen are battling a gigantic green poltergeist in Golden Gate Park. Fucking poltergeists ruin the park for everybody. No wait. I'm thinking of teenagers.

Oh! The Phantom Stranger meant teenager as well!

The Stranger sends this kid to heaven where, according to "You Never Give Me Your Money," all children should go. Then Terrence is stabbed through the chest by a flaming sword wielded by a life-sized He-man action figure. It's a serpent headed woman. I know it's a woman because it has boobs even though a female serpent has no use for boobs. They'd just get in the way while slithering about.

While The Question battles the Landminotaur, and The Phantom Stranger battles Snakewoman, Pandora enjoys a day at the beach in Southern India, thanks to a suggestion from her baby lover, Marcus. He's a baby and her lover, not a lover of babies. Unless he's a bit older than that. However old he currently is, it's too young for Pandora! Anyway, I guess she'll be fighting some kind of dolphin king soon. Or a Monkeyphant!

Darn. I was really hoping for the Monkeyphant.

The Trinity are nearly defeated but Pandora does some kind of hocus pocus and all three of them rise up to defeat the monsters attacking them. And then they all appear in Southern India thinking about maybe teaming up for awhile. Three characters in a book triples the amount of fans willing to torrent this book! I mean, buy this book! Just think of all The Question fans that can't wait to...oh wait. I think most of those are Renee Montoya fans. Oh well, The Phantom Stranger and Pandora can probably account for eight thousand books per month. Hopefully The Question can be mysterious enough to cover the rest and keep them out of cancellation territory for longer than eight issues.

I doubt it though.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jesus died for our sins! He died to prevent suffering! He died because The Stranger betrayed him! Ipso facto addendum: The Phantom Stranger has prevented human suffering! And, well, Pandora gave the world hope. Which, admittedly, The Question hates. And which, admittedly again, probably causes quite a bit of suffering when it dies. So fine. Fuck Pandora.

The Question runs off to pout while The Stranger decides to investigate so that he can rescue Terrance Thirteen's soul. Pandora decides to get into The Phantom Stranger's backseat and jabber incessantly like a raving asshole.

The Damnated Duo follow the mystic clues up into space where they encounter the source of all of their troubles: Quackers the Cosmic Devil Duck.

If I were a cynical person, I'd think this entire comic book had been created to sell action figures.

Trinity of Sin #1 Rating: I guess I'm kind of interested in The Question's background but not enough to continue buying a comic book that will no doubt string the reader along for many, many issues instead of revealing anything about him. And I was interested in The Phantom Stranger but his previous series killed most of my curiosity towards him. But Pandora is cute and dresses nicely and shoots big guns, so I guess I'm still kind of interested in her. But this series doesn't have a lot to offer with its premier issue, so I'm going to rank it down in the forties for now. I do have one question and it isn't any form of "Who am I?" It's how do you pronounce Yvel Guichet's name? Evil Goose shit?

World's End #2

Earth-2 Starfire needs to get laid.

There's a very specific reason why I added the above caption that's filled with subtext and commentary on the way Starfire was portrayed in the beginning of The New 52. I'm sure I'll take some hits about how that's a misogynistic comment about how when women are angry, men have a tendency to say a good dicking will straighten them out. Which, of course, is why I said it! Because it's a thing idiots say. But for intelligent people that understand smart, satirical things, and also have been following The New 52, they'll get the joke. And if they don't, I'll explain it right now so that I don't wind up getting my head torn off by a bunch of women that need to get laid: ...um, whoops. I didn't mean that! I, um, oh shit! Can we start again?! Let's change the subject!

How bored must people be with their daily lives to find baseball exciting? I just watched the last two innings of a World Series game which caused me to think about doing chores I've never even considered before being bored out of my mind by the game. That was just two innings and I couldn't believe how much of my life I was wasting! And baseball fans know exactly what I'm talking about! You know how bored you are watching a baseball game between two teams you don't give a fuck about because none of your fantasy baseball players are on them? That's how boring all baseball is to me! It's like being an atheist. All gods are silly bullshit to me. But people that love their God scoff at my commentary that religion is bullshit. Although they totally understand and agree with me when talking about any other god beside the one they think is real. That's baseball! It's stupid bullshit right up until somebody pisses on your team.

I may not have made complete sense in either of the last two paragraphs I wrote. But that's okay because I have an excuse: I don't give a fuck.

That's it? Only the two choices?

Earth-2 Starfire calls herself K'li. I think that's the Apokolips version of Kaylee. Nearly every little girl on Apokolips is called that or some name that ends in "-en" or "-an" or "-on" or "-yn". Since most Earthlings don't know how to pronounce names with apostrophes in them, little K'li suggests they simply refer to her as War. What a coincidence! Most people refer to the other Starfire as "Whore!"

I don't care if that last statement crosses the boundary into slut shaming! It was a good joke! At least for the men! And the whores!

Meanwhile in other parts of the world that matter quite a bit less than America so who cares about them at all, more Apokoliptian Horsewomen appear from the fire pits! Without horses! So just women!

I know K'li appeared in Geneva and not America. I'm not saying I really care what happens to Germany either! Or, um, France. Bulgaria? Swartzerland!

Swartzerland was just me typing a random name that sort of sounded like Switzerland and not a racist joke. Unless it was a subconscious racist joke that makes absolutely no sense.

I know this isn't a Follow Friday but right now, my favorite person I follow on Twitter is Laura Silverman.

Alan Scott heads off to battle the Apokoliptian that emerged in Brazil, Hawk Cop and Doctor Cocoa Puffs are headed for the invader in London, and Aquawoman heads off to stop the intruder from South Africa that just headed into the ocean. That leaves K'li to battle a spinning robot, two Kryptonians and two Replacement Batmans. The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick dashes off to do some bureaucratic nonsense.

Meanwhile, something enormous is approaching Earth-2 from outside the solar system. Seeing that Darkseid was trying to BOOM Tube Earth to Apokolips and failed, maybe he's decided to make a solar system call. I hope when he arrives he says, "Candygram."

What the hell can that party boy billionaire Oliver Queen do? Get drunk and pass out in his own puke?

Off in Puerto Rico, Mister Miracle helps Mister 8 and Mister Terrific break free from Bedlam's mind control. I don't have the patience to analyze exactly what he does because I'm confused by Big Barda and Fury acting as if they're buddies while looking at Mister Miracle in a cage. When last we really saw Big Barda and Mister Miracle on Earth-2, they were teammates (and more, probably) and they were fighting dinosaurs in Gotham. Now Barda and Fury are associates? It's quite possible I missed something in the transition between the end of the last battle with Apokolips and the beginning of World's End and this new battle with Apokolips. Anyway, I refer you to my excuse for not making sense earlier because it's the same excuse for my not understanding what the hell is going on!

Oh well, according to Futures End, Fury and Mister Miracle will become intimate. Which means Barda and Fury and Scott all share a bond with each other as children of Apokolips who don't exactly feel any allegiance to Darkseid. I think. I guess we'll see what happens to Fury and Barda! Maybe they'll act as spies working with the Horsewomen. Or they'll be prisoners on Amazonia. Or they'll be something else entirely since I don't have time to list all of the possibilities for their futures.

With K'li's power to enslave females, it looks like I've found a new future possibility for them.

World's End #2 Rating: No change. I haven't even hit post on this commentary and I'm losing Followers! How do they know?!

Batman Eternal #28

I have never in my life worn pants this tight.

My days are getting longer and longer. When I'm awake, I don't want to go to sleep. I move from one distraction to another until I just can't keep my eyes open any longer. When I'm sleeping, I don't want to wake up. I crash hard and stay completely out for at least eight hours, sometimes more. But once I do wake up, I just keep rolling over and falling back to sleep because I don't want to drag myself out of bed just to find another distraction. Eventually hunger, thirst, and a straining bladder force me out of bed and I start all over again. I miss my friend.

The sadness is like a low grade fever. I haven't had a runny snot, body hitching, breath coming in gasps cry for a day or two now, and that, in itself, makes me sad. But my eyes are constantly tearing up. I've long ago stopped bothering to wipe tears off of my cheeks. I don't know when I last showered. I don't think I left the house at all yesterday. At least I've experienced loss and mourning so that I am now adequately prepared to properly fake it when my parents die!

Here lies Judas. Oh yeah. For those just tuning in, I'm grieving for a cat. People can suck it.

Okay then! Enough of that shit! Let's see how many dick jokes I can come up with while reading Batman Eternal!

You know, I'm not quite sure why I equate my juvenile humor to dick jokes when I really rarely make any. I guess it's as good a standard as any for immaturity.

Now this first panel? This put a huge smile on my face. Especially after having just read JLA/Hitman.

I'm just thrilled that Noonan's has retained its place in the DC Universe since the reboot. Judging by the pictures on the wall and Hacken with one hand missing (portrayed in an issue of Batman and Two-Face), the entire run of Hitman is probably still canon. Although because of the Reboot, I'm still hoping that the ending was different and Tommy survived somehow. Now somebody just needs to convince Garth Ennis to work for DC again and continue Hitman's story.

Apparently Noonan's is Jason Todd's favorite bar in Gotham. The bartender probably helps him out with his girl troubles and ethical dilemmas. Which might be why Jason Todd's moral compass is so fucked up. You know. Because the bartender is a demon from hell named Baytor.

Jason Todd feels like he needs to do something else before he leaves Gotham. Starfire, having been through this before with Dick Grayson, tells him what to do.

Good thing Starfire has the self-esteem of a warrior space princess or she might begin to wonder what this Batgirl has that she doesn't.

This issue is called "Letting Go" because of course it is. Fuck you, synchronicity.

Currently, Batgirl is scaring the shit out of Commissioner Jason Bard by setting up a falling to his death simulation for him. It's the kind of thing that usually costs five dollars worth of tickets at the yearly fair down by the river. But Batgirl is doing it for free. And if Jason Todd hasn't already fallen in love with her, he will once he sees how ruthless Barbara can be.

Meanwhile, Catwoman shows off what she learned during her pole dancing classes. Enh. I've seen better.

I'm not sure if this is subtle allegory or witty satire. Although I do like that this strip club allows minors and serves popcorn.

Mr. Bonerman has sold tickets to people to come watch Catwoman beaten to death on a stripper's stage. And for those of you thinking that at least the little girl won't see any nudity with her extreme violence, a few panels later we see that naked women are dancing on the other stages. It seems weird to pay lots of money to see Catwoman killed and then to miss the entire show because some naked woman is waving her punani around the room.

For those of you that don't like the slang term "punani," I suggest you read up on its etymology. It's actually quite a lovely compliment.

Too bad for Mr. Bonerman and Dragon Ivantsumbuttsecks, Killer Croc has a vested interest in Jade. And Croc just came up the elevator. He's probably not going to be very happy with Mr. Bonerman exposing his young friend to sex and violence at the same time. One or the other, fine. But both? That's like X Rating territory! Or A Clockwork Orange.

Batman also has a lead that's going to bring him to the most violent, super sexiest show of the decade! With popcorn! He's probably going to be disappointed that Waylon Jones got their first, killed everybody, ate them, ate the popcorn, and impressed Selina far more than Bruce ever could.

Stupid synchronicity is stupid. Also, more Meghan Hetrick, please.

Killer Croc begins teaching thugs how to pole dance while Catwoman uses some of the moves she learned in pole dancing class to break Mr. Bonerman's leg. Although I don't know what kind of pole dancing class she was taking that was tying its students to poles and teaching them how to bust legs from that position. She may have been in a self-defense class with a bunch of other students wondering why she was learning self-defense in her bra and panties.

Over in the Burnside district (unless Barbara hasn't moved yet since she is still wearing her old costume on the cover), Jason Todd breaks into Gordon Barbara Gordon's apartment.

I think that's Alysia. Maybe. It's certainly not Frankie. So this must be her old place.

Back at the violent sex show, Jade is shot and killed (accidentally!) by Dragon Ivantsumbuttsecks. So this wasn't an allegory or satire! It was a morality play! See what happens, kids, when you watch violent and sexual television shows? You fucking die! Unless it was the popcorn that killed her. It's hard to say when a story doesn't just come right out and tell you what it's about.

And over on the rooftops, Jason Bard is learning a lesson about destroying a city. If you run a huge scam to destroy a city for your own ends, you'll wind up with a severely broken leg causing you to have to use a cane in all of your future comic book appearances. It wasn't Babs' fault that he broke his leg. Not entirely. Jason Todd came along and pretended to drop Jason Bard to his death for good, knowing that Barbara would never let it come to that. So she saved Bard but fucked up his leg in the process. It's almost the exact same thing that happened to Gwen Stacy, right?! Fucking DC stealing from Marvel yet again!

Babs, full of adrenaline and not thinking straights, tries to get Jason Todd to make her a woman. A Batwoman! Wait. I didn't mean he'd turn her gay. I meant he'd...never mind! Jason Todd says goodbye and then flounces out of Gotham with a "You said I'll never be Dick Grayson!" Jesus, Jason Todd! You need some lessons in being a warrior space princess. Chill out!

With the death of Jade, Catwoman decides it's time to take her rightful place as ruler of The Gotham Underground (the regular underground and not the stupid Ann Nocenti underground). As the daughter of Rex Calabrese (supposedly?), she's ready to take control of the city and stop the chaos. And not because Batman told her to stop causing chaos. Fuck Batman.

This guy's a dick.

Batman Eternal #28 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why can't Futures End be this entertaining?

Futures End #24

Looks like Futures End Brainiac has collected the Preboot Universe.

Last issue, Ray Palmer ejaculated his getaway ship and the New Stormwatch climbed stickily on board to escape Brainiac World. But his ultimate escape plan relies on Black Adam to watch his back without changing sides or betraying him. It also relies on The Engineer fixing The Carrier which will only happen if The Engineer doesn't betray him and changes sides. Meanwhile, Frankenstein suffers from indigestion and Amethyst can't get the image of The Atom's penis out of her mind.

I've read Futures End #0 so I'm pretty sure this whole escape thing is futile and the New Stormwatch is about to join Team Brainiac whether they like it or not.

Well, they just lost Hawkman! His Nth Metal is now infected with Brainiac Simplex X.

Eventually everybody makes it back to the Carrier in one piece, including thousands of Brainiac drones. I wonder if each drone houses exactly one bit of random trivia? Every time Brainiac learns something new, he gives birth to another drone. That's why he enjoys collecting new species, pub trivia night, and enslaving worlds.

Back on Cadmus Island, Big Barda might be surprised to find Mister Miracle pitching woo with Fury.

They woo pitch differently on Apokolips.

Scott and Fury decide they're going to rid Cadmus Island of Brother Eye's influence. They can probably do it too! Especially if Green Arrow's army lands on the island to help out! And by "Green Arrow's army," I mean Big Barda.

Also, apparently Harley Quinn Annual #1 smells like pot.

Back at Columbia University, Tim Drake's ex, Madison, has been palling around with Jason Rusch's ex, Ronnie Raymond. It's nothing romantic or anything! They just need shoulders to cry on and a sexually non-threatening friend to confide in.

Unless I'm wrong and this is how Ronnie thinks heterosexuals do it.

Meanwhile in Africa, the center doesn't hold and the gyre widens and some horrible beast takes apart Constantine's friends, Tommy and Annika. But Superfarmer arrives before John can be killed because Constantine doesn't often die. Just the people that get close to him.

Speaking of John, I enjoyed his new television show. It went far more into horror than I thought it would and I hope it keeps that aspect of the show at the forefront. I think they told Matt Ryan, the actor who is playing Constantine, to tone down his accent because American audiences are fucking wimps when it comes to understanding any English spoken with a non-American accent. Or it could just be that Ryan has a natural Welsh accent and he's trying to change it up to whatever Constantine's accent actually is. Scouse? Cockney? Chutney?!

One thing's for sure though! Constantine better stay away from Pandora's Skull in that mill's basement! Put on Doctor Fate's mask, sure. But don't touch that stupid skull! Or wait! Maybe he should touch it since he's going to act more like New 52 Constantine being that he's on network television. Maybe if he fucks with the skull, he'll fix the universe and turn into good old Hellblazer Constantine! Then he'll be able to say cunt on network television!

Futures End #24 Rating: No change. Why is DC doing this comic book again? Is it just to get Terry McBatman into regular continuity?! Or is this their failsafe back to the Preboot universe? They'll keep this comic book running right up until the point that they think reverting back to the old universe will earn the company more money than they're currently making. At that point, Brainiac will flip some switch, causing his black hole to invert, spitting out his old Preboot collection and turning The New 52 universe into his new collection, safe and secure in his big black hole.