World's End #9

I wish Mister Miracle would get some fucking characterization. Stop resting on your Preboot laurels! Who are you in The New 52? What motivates you? Are you fucking both Fury and Barda, you dog?!

Normally I'd use this first paragraph to speculate on the mating habits of the Chupacabra, but I just need to get through another World's End comic book as fast as I can. Besides, everybody already knows about Chupacabra's bedroom style.

Instead of reading this comic, I decided to draw another Pickle Boy Comic. Those are comics written by my assistant Pickle Boy which I draw. They were intended to give him a creative outlet while he crunches numbers at work, and for me to practice drawing.

As you can see, neither of us is very good at his half of the job.

The great thing about this Pickle Boy Comic is that everybody can relate to it.

Meanwhile in World's End where I'm not too sure the writers and artists are terribly better than me and Pickle Boy, the Avatar of the Blue has just been released into the world by Aquawoman.

It's a Great Old One, by the way. So forget about Apokolips. Least of everybody's worries now. Okay, technically figuring out what to wear is probably the least of everybody's worries.

World's End is becoming a game of Magic the Gathering. You have all the colors and then Apokolips is the artifacts. The non-Avatar superheroes are probably just colorless Legendary creatures. And it's at that point of the game where everybody dicked around too long and allowed blue to summon it's monstrously huge creature.

John Constantine and his crew have made it to Chicago and are sitting back watching the whole place break out into a huge riot. Since Barbara is back out from underneath the piece of the moon, I guess Earth 2 #29 happened before this.

I hope she gained invulnerability from the moon radiation!

Beneath Geneva, Replacement Batman and his group stumble upon Kal-el. Lois and Power Girl celebrate while Val-el slinks off into the shadows because that's where suddenly useless and entirely obsolete things should be. But there's a glimmer of hope after Replacement Batman punches Kal-el in the nose and it begins bleeding. Lois says, "Kal, you're really...oh, god, Kal, you're bleeding?!" And then Val-el rushes back to the group and says, "Oh! That's too bad! I'm so sorry about that! You poor thing! Can I get you a hanky? Man, this sucks! So terrible that you've lost your powers. Shoot! Who's going to be the world's savior now? Hunh? Anybody? Can anybody think of anyone that might be strong enough to save the world?"

Remember last issue how Hawkcop turned on The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick and his mother? It was a huge cliffhanger and everybody who read it said, "GASP!" Well, that's resolved when Doctor Cocoa Puffs and his best friend Jiminy Olsen arrive to cast a spell of Don't Be Mad, Bro. I wish the pages taken up by the fake tension would be used for characters interacting so maybe I can find a reason to like some of them. The only character that does anything worthwhile (although trite and cliche) in this scene is The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick's mother/girlfriend when she tries to break Hawkcop's brainwashing by talking about love. Stupid Streak-mom! Hawks and cops don't know what love and kindness are!

Up on Apokolips, the Mister Squad's plan begins to fall apart as the New Gods forget to plant their nuke because they have a score to settle with some guy named Paternus. He has a key that will allow Mister Miracle to open the Heart of Apokolips where he can slip inside for a quick DNA test to find out if Darkseid is his father. And since it was mentioned in Futures End that Barda betrayed Mister Miracle and Fury, Barda has to say something ominous.

World's End #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. There's too much going on in this comic book and none of it feels like it really matters. It's just a bunch of escalating conflicts that will eventually end in the destruction of Earth-2. Plus the cover once again got ahead of itself. Somebody needs to recalibrate the timing of the covers on these weekly comic books!

World's End #4

Is this the scariest image of Death the World's End creators could come up with? A pregnant woman with a mullet?

I don't have a problem with mullets. I think it's about time we all stop shaming people for poor fashion choices and haircuts everybody knows look fucking awful. Let people do what they want! Besides, the only reason people with mullets get ridiculed so much is because mainstream society has designated mullets as one of the few choices a person makes that can be wholeheartedly made fun of. It's disgusting and we should all stop doing it immediately. Or we should allow that it's okay to make fun of anybody for any reason at all.

What I'm actually waiting for is for somebody to come up with a medical diagnosis that causes a person to have to have a mullet so that mullet wearers can have a label just like everybody else. That way when someone makes fun of them, they can pull out their label and reverse shame the shamer! "How dare you?! I have a condition! A condition, you unsympathetic bastard!" Sometimes I think the reason everybody wants to be diagnosed with something is so that they have some kind of defense against assholes. "I have social anxiety, you dick! You're not allowed to make jokes at my expense!"

Fuck labels. You don't need a label to defend yourself. You just need the confidence to be yourself and to shout, "FUCK YOU, YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT!" whenever anybody targets you with the slightest, most innocuous, probably not even meant the way you interpreted it comments! This ability has allowed me to survive amongst a whole host of extroverted monsters constantly trying to get me to participate in their "society." And they rarely ever tell me they have a condition when I start making fun of them!

Extrovert: "Why are you constantly inside on the computer? You should come to my party this weekend!"
Tess: "FUCK YOU, YOU NEEDY BASTARD! 'Daddy! Daddy! Look at me!'"
Extrovert: "What the hell? Are you okay? It's just, you seem to be missing out on life."
Tess: "FUCK YOU! Drinking yourself into a stupor every weekend and fucking a different face every night will be a grand legacy to leave to all of your bastard children!"
Extrovert: "Jesus. Sorry I tried to help. You really could use some fresh air. And maybe a shower."
Tess: "FUCK YOU! I'll shower when I'm good and ready and not sad, you dickhole!"
Extrovert: "Fine! I'm leaving!" (Extrovert leaves)
Tess: "Why doesn't anybody ever want to do anything with me?"

I have no idea what's been going on with Fury, Scott, and Barda's relationship with the people of Earth-2 which, I think, means I'm as confused as the writers. But it seems the writers are finally settling on an alliance between groups.

Back in Geneva, Switzerland (I forgot to look at a map! Luckily, the editors finally told me where Geneva is located. Although they're probably wrong since they don't even know where the Fortress of Solitude is located half of the time), Replacement Batman and his team prepare to enter the Geneva Firepit to look for clues. I never watched much Blue's Clues but I'm confident that the clues they will find will be fire, heat, and third degree burns. Salt and Pepper agree with me.

The scene shifts to Apokolips where my entire day is ruined by what Apokolips (the planet is a person is a throne is a thing? What?) and his sniveling court of snivelers discuss.

No! Not that! Not Scott Lobdell's boring, fucked up versions of the Silver Surfer and Galactus combined with bits of The Watcher.

This Apokoliptian Court needs more intrigue and dances and wigs and John Malkoviches.

Atlantis has fallen to Death so Aquawoman does what the World Army would in a losing situation: she launches the Armageddon Bomb. Or whatever Atlantis's equivalent to a doomsday device is. It's probably the Kraken. Or a giant squid that spins its tentacles really quickly so that it can fly and then spray hallucinogenic ink all over the world causing everyone to think their own flesh is made of delicious, gooey caramel.

And then Solomon Grundy returns to hassle Alan Scott. Because the Apokoliptian invasion wasn't enough! I suppose Grundy being the Avatar of the Grey (not to be confused with the Avatar of the Gray who is the avatar of fungus. Grundy is the Earth-2 Avatar of The Rot), he's going to be attracted to the death and destruction left behind in Pestilence's wake.

Some other things that happen: Dick and Babs decide to begin some kind of crime fighting unit in Chicago; Barda, Fury, and the Three Misters decide to infiltrate Apokolips and kill its living heart; Desaad reappears inside the Fire Pit in Geneva. None of it is terribly funny.

World's End #4 Rating: No change. Why is everything ending? Worlds and futures! At least Batman is eternal so we don't have to worry about him. But I am kind of worried about the pacing on this comic book and how much trouble it is to comment on when each thread of the plot reveals itself one or two pages at a time. I may have to change my style on my commentaries for this book and actually read the entire comic book before writing about it. What a pain in the ass you are, World's End! FUCK YOU!

World's End #3

Meatloaf sure puts on a crazy show.

If you hadn't noticed, Meatloaf is down in the lower left corner rocking out of the UPC label. This sentence should probably be a "do anything for love" joke but I'm not a complete hack. No matter what my mother says.

Last issue, Twofer Starfire (the "War" member of the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips) took control of Tornado Lane, Power Girl, and The Huntress because women are easy to manipulate. Unless her real reason was that men are useless assholes. It's one of those, depending on how big of an asshole you are, or how easy you are to manipulate.

That joke probably needs an explanatory footnote because I don't trust people to understand the complex relationship between the last two sentences. But I'm not going to add a footnote because I don't understand the complex relationship between any of my sentences. I'm not sure I even need most of these sentences.

The title of this issue is "Furies" which is an anagram of "Rufies" which must be why the females are acting so strangely. So now it's four women against Replacement Batman because Val-el is a Pacifist. Is it ironic that "fist" is part of "pacifist"? No? Fuck you.

While little K'li takes over Europe by enslaving Earth-2's wonders, the other Horsewomen use farts.

Big flaming farts! Big gassy farts! Big bubbly farts!

While Earth-2 is casually destroyed by the Apokoliptian Golden Girls, the World Government discusses how they're going to spend their final twenty-three days of life before Apokolips rams Earth-2. Most of them want to spend it torturing Mister Miracle because he's from Apokolips, so fuck him. Others want to blow their nuclear load all over Apokolips. They built the arsenal of nuclear missiles so why not use it before they die, you know? Seems reasonable. Although can ICBMs reach escape velocity? Hee hee. I See BMs.

Meanwhile in Chicago, Twofer Dick Grayson keeps a journal. What's that?! A JOURNAL! Hey kids! You know what time it is?!

Over in London, John Constantine (the real John Constantine! Not that married Twofer asshole that might kind of actually represent the Hellblazer Constantine! The one that can probably say cunt without everybody getting all up in arms about it! Fucking Americans. It's just a bloody word, ya feckin' gits!) is being hunted by the Helmet of Doctor Cocoa Puffs, even though it should be trying to save the world. I guess it wants a more powerful host more than it wants a world not completely destroyed by alien invaders.

The action moves back to Geneva so I guess I'm going to get plot whiplash as the comic spends two pages in each location before moving on. In Geneva, Tornado Lane gets the blue screen of death and she has to reboot. That wipes War's influence from her mind. To break the spell on the other women, she smashes them into the ground as hard as her tornado power will let her. She smashes the guy's into the ground as well because fuck men, amirite? Somehow it works even though Power Girl is knocked silly while at the same time, The Huntress's brains aren't splattered all over Austria. Belgium? Denmark?

I should probably look at a map sometime!

Back in Amazonia, Jimmy falls into a sex trance about his mom.

Yeah, that's it! Rub them mama meals, Jimmy!

While Jimmy ruins his underwear in front of everyone, Khan, Sloan, Terrific, and Dodds agree to release Mister Miracle, Big Barda, and Fury so that they can follow them to Apokolips. At that exact same moment, Big Barda, Fury, and Mister Miracle break out of captivity and ruin everybody's plans.

Some Twofer versions of The Usual Earth are busy trying to figure out Mother Box. One is called Ted and one is called Linda but there's also a Crane and a Holland. Also there are only three scientists, and Ted is not Linda. So Holland might not be Alec Holland and Crane might not be Jonathan Crane. Unless the owl watching them is Holland. Or Linda is the Holland? Or maybe I shouldn't read too much into the names since they're not very smart and they need Jimmy Olsen to help them with Mother Box.

Replacement Batman, The Worlds' Finest Girls, Val-el, and Tornado Lane all decide to venture into the Geneva Fire Pit and shut it down. Although it seems like it's already vomited forth the worst thing it could.

I like how Tornado Lane declares she'll be safe due to her robot body then decides to go with Replacement Batman who, last time I checked, doesn't have a replacement body. Even though I call him Replacement Batman. Maybe if he dies, Great Grandfather Wayne will take over the role.

I know, I know! You don't have to tell me that the World Army is sending them equipment to enter the pit. Although, really, what good is equipment going to do a regular mortal when it was built to protect a guy like Commander Steel? Oh wait. Did Steel have super powers before he went in the pit?!

Queen Lantern and Aquawoman get a few pages at the end of the comic book. It looks like Pestilence got away and Death has taken over Atlantis. Also, London never fell to Meatloaf like the cover suggested.

World's End #3 Rating: No change. The only real problem with these weekly comic books is that they have so many plot threads happening, it gives me vertigo shifting from one thread to the next every one or two pages. Otherwise, I like having a lot going on and being able to revisit the story each week. Why aren't all comic books published this way?! Make the artists work faster and lets go weekly!

World's End #2

Earth-2 Starfire needs to get laid.

There's a very specific reason why I added the above caption that's filled with subtext and commentary on the way Starfire was portrayed in the beginning of The New 52. I'm sure I'll take some hits about how that's a misogynistic comment about how when women are angry, men have a tendency to say a good dicking will straighten them out. Which, of course, is why I said it! Because it's a thing idiots say. But for intelligent people that understand smart, satirical things, and also have been following The New 52, they'll get the joke. And if they don't, I'll explain it right now so that I don't wind up getting my head torn off by a bunch of women that need to get laid: ...um, whoops. I didn't mean that! I, um, oh shit! Can we start again?! Let's change the subject!

How bored must people be with their daily lives to find baseball exciting? I just watched the last two innings of a World Series game which caused me to think about doing chores I've never even considered before being bored out of my mind by the game. That was just two innings and I couldn't believe how much of my life I was wasting! And baseball fans know exactly what I'm talking about! You know how bored you are watching a baseball game between two teams you don't give a fuck about because none of your fantasy baseball players are on them? That's how boring all baseball is to me! It's like being an atheist. All gods are silly bullshit to me. But people that love their God scoff at my commentary that religion is bullshit. Although they totally understand and agree with me when talking about any other god beside the one they think is real. That's baseball! It's stupid bullshit right up until somebody pisses on your team.

I may not have made complete sense in either of the last two paragraphs I wrote. But that's okay because I have an excuse: I don't give a fuck.

That's it? Only the two choices?

Earth-2 Starfire calls herself K'li. I think that's the Apokolips version of Kaylee. Nearly every little girl on Apokolips is called that or some name that ends in "-en" or "-an" or "-on" or "-yn". Since most Earthlings don't know how to pronounce names with apostrophes in them, little K'li suggests they simply refer to her as War. What a coincidence! Most people refer to the other Starfire as "Whore!"

I don't care if that last statement crosses the boundary into slut shaming! It was a good joke! At least for the men! And the whores!

Meanwhile in other parts of the world that matter quite a bit less than America so who cares about them at all, more Apokoliptian Horsewomen appear from the fire pits! Without horses! So just women!

I know K'li appeared in Geneva and not America. I'm not saying I really care what happens to Germany either! Or, um, France. Bulgaria? Swartzerland!

Swartzerland was just me typing a random name that sort of sounded like Switzerland and not a racist joke. Unless it was a subconscious racist joke that makes absolutely no sense.

I know this isn't a Follow Friday but right now, my favorite person I follow on Twitter is Laura Silverman.

Alan Scott heads off to battle the Apokoliptian that emerged in Brazil, Hawk Cop and Doctor Cocoa Puffs are headed for the invader in London, and Aquawoman heads off to stop the intruder from South Africa that just headed into the ocean. That leaves K'li to battle a spinning robot, two Kryptonians and two Replacement Batmans. The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick dashes off to do some bureaucratic nonsense.

Meanwhile, something enormous is approaching Earth-2 from outside the solar system. Seeing that Darkseid was trying to BOOM Tube Earth to Apokolips and failed, maybe he's decided to make a solar system call. I hope when he arrives he says, "Candygram."

What the hell can that party boy billionaire Oliver Queen do? Get drunk and pass out in his own puke?

Off in Puerto Rico, Mister Miracle helps Mister 8 and Mister Terrific break free from Bedlam's mind control. I don't have the patience to analyze exactly what he does because I'm confused by Big Barda and Fury acting as if they're buddies while looking at Mister Miracle in a cage. When last we really saw Big Barda and Mister Miracle on Earth-2, they were teammates (and more, probably) and they were fighting dinosaurs in Gotham. Now Barda and Fury are associates? It's quite possible I missed something in the transition between the end of the last battle with Apokolips and the beginning of World's End and this new battle with Apokolips. Anyway, I refer you to my excuse for not making sense earlier because it's the same excuse for my not understanding what the hell is going on!

Oh well, according to Futures End, Fury and Mister Miracle will become intimate. Which means Barda and Fury and Scott all share a bond with each other as children of Apokolips who don't exactly feel any allegiance to Darkseid. I think. I guess we'll see what happens to Fury and Barda! Maybe they'll act as spies working with the Horsewomen. Or they'll be prisoners on Amazonia. Or they'll be something else entirely since I don't have time to list all of the possibilities for their futures.

With K'li's power to enslave females, it looks like I've found a new future possibility for them.

World's End #2 Rating: No change. I haven't even hit post on this commentary and I'm losing Followers! How do they know?!